Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Screw Convention

Hello I'm Tom Brokejaw reporting from the Honey-Do Workshop, home of the 2008 Slot Head Screw Convention. Tonight the Slot Head Party will elect its candidate to run against the Phillips Head candidate for the right to screw our nation.

There is excitement at the National Slot Head Convention as the musical group Screw Cheer sings the last line to their "fastenating" hit:
There ain't no cure for the summertime screws...
The Speaker of the Shed is about to take the podium to address drillegates on hand. There are literally thousands of shiny brass slotted screws gathered for this big event. Let us listen as Senator Chip Screwsdale speaks.

"Flatheads and Roundheads, follow me by reciting our national motto."
"Screw unto others before they screw unto you."
"As you know our party has long been divided into two factions, the right and left wing nuts. I say if we want a successful run for the White House Depot, we must be unified. We must rally around our candidate and wage a nuts and bolts campaign all the way until the voters select the right screw.

I say, let's show the public that if they want to be screwed, we are the ones best equipped to screw them! We cannot screw one way either. We will screw them both ways - in and out - every which way but loose!"

cartoon archive at funnytimes.comBrokejaw:Senator Screwsdale has whipped up the drillegates into a screw frenzy. Our news crew must be careful not to turn our backs to this screw-crazed crowd or to bend over, otherwise we ourselves might be screwed.
We've had eight years of the lame duck Phillips Head President and many Americans feel it is time for a change. Both parties know that John Q. Publics' asses are soft pine and are susceptible to some new screwing.

The Phillips Head Party has been attacking the Slot Head Party's lack of screwing experience. They claim the Phillips Party would not be able to stand up or to bore into the hard issues such as oak or mahogany. They contend that the Slot Head Party candidates have only had limited experience screwing balsa and that their entries result in premature and weak fastenings.

So America in November you must decide who you want to screw you. You must ask yourself who will screw you the most. Who will most likely screw America? Who will screw justice?

Either way, you're going be screwed. Like the cartoon, it won't be the first time!

Srewby Dooby Doo...


Monday, September 29, 2008

What Rece$$ion ?


Sunday, September 28, 2008

Thoughts of Randomness


The New Neighbor

Puppy Love

This afternoon as I was morphing into a couch potato before some football on TV, my mind was drifting aimlessly. Not unlike the images on the screen at the mercy of the remote in my hand, my thoughts moved from one subject to another. I began to jot them down on a sheet of paper.

Somehow by surfing between the football games, CNN, the Weather Channel, TV Land, Sci-Fi, etc., I found that I had filled the sheet front and back with a plethora of unrelated Thoughts of Randomness. With a few printed images from a book I once received as a gift added to those thoughts, I had material for today's post.

I had already posted the regular two samples of my Poodle Doodles comic strip above. I'm afraid that's where the creativity ends today.

A good friend knows how you take your coffee. A great friend adds booze.

Carson Kressley was seen in Bar Harbor, Maine. He heard Kyle was coming and was expecting a big blow.

If something's unladylike or fattening, it's probably a lot of fun.

When I told my wife I needed more space, she locked me outside.

Stress Cure:
Take two cookies and call in sick.

Go to heaven for the climate, hell for the company. -Mark Twain

Never trust a psychic who has caller ID!

Do professional fishermen take a week off to go accounting?

Love is Blind.

That's why
we have

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Bigamy loves company.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!' ... till you find a rock.

To all you virgins, thanks for nothing!


Saturday, September 27, 2008

A Cool Hand Remembered

Paul Newman, 1925-2008


The Water Dish

Meet Claude

One Cool Hombre

If he wasn't one of my favorite actors, he was certainly near the top of the list. Frank Sinatra not withstanding, Paul Newman's were the most well known blue eyes to ever grace the silver screen.

"What we have here is a failure to communicate!"

Strother Martin's famous line from the 1967 film Cool Hand Luke, evokes images of but one of Newman's most memorable roles, that of convict Luke Jackson. To this day, I've never been able to look at a hard-boiled egg in the same way.

Cool and calculating, Newman's conman Henry Gondorf teams up with Johnny Hooker (Robert Redford) to pull off The Sting on gang leader Doyle Lonnegan (Robert Shaw) in the 1973 Oscar winning Best Picture of the Year. I can't listen to the soundtrack featuring Scott Joplin's "The Entertainer" without trying to whistle along.

One of my all time favorite black & white movies was The Hustler, 1961. Cocky "Fast" Eddie Felsen shoots some high-stakes pool against the legendary Minnesota Fats, masterfully played by Jackie Gleason. Nominated nine times, Newman would win his only Best Actor Award in 1986 when he reprised his role as Eddie Felsen opposite Tom Cruise in The Color of Money. For MY money, The Hustler was the better of the two movies.

Perhaps his most lovable character was that of Reggie Dunlop, an aging down on his luck semi-professional hockey player in 1977's Slap Shot. While some would cite the TV and big screen films about the U.S. Olympic hockey team's upset of the Russians at Lake Placid, to me Slap Shot is best hockey movie of all time. The Hanson brothers may have stolen the show, but Reggie's character as the perpetual loser was the heart of the film.
Old time hockey and Eddie Shore may have taken a back seat to the mayhem of the Charlestown Chief's brand of hockey, but Ned Braden (Michael Ontkean) had his own idea of how to fire up the crowd when he performed a strip tease on ice and skated off with the trophy clad in only his skates and his jock strap.

Newman said of all of his films, he had the most fun making Slap Shot, and Reggie Dunlop was his favorite character.

The above films are only a handful of nearly sixty films in which Newman appeared. To name a few more, there was Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, The Young Philadephians, Exodus, Sweet Bird of Youth, Hud, Harper, The Secret War of Henry Frigg, The Towering Inferno, The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean, The Left-Handed Gun, Fort Apache the Bronx, Hombre and Road to Perdition.

I think if I had to choose one character to be considered for his best role, I have to go with Frank Galvin from 1982's The Verdict. Based on a true story, an alcoholic ambulance-chasing lawyer takes on the Arch Diocese of Boston and wins a landmark decision.

Because "raindrops were falling on my head" today, I would be remiss if I didn't put down a few words for the 1969 classic, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Newman teamed up for the first time with his old friend Robert Redford and Katherine Ross in this movie about the two notorious outlaws.

Paul Newman, you were one cool actor. Rest in peace.


Friday, September 26, 2008

What Politics Is

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father,"Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
There you have it. Out of the mouths of babes - politics defined.
Jeepers, Creepers, Where'd You Get Those Peepers?

Lara Decanps, who works at Artsee Eyewear in New York, said women are asking, "Where did she get those glasses? They look so good on her. I want to find them."

While Palin's not the first famous woman to sport eyeglasses -- think Sally Jesse Raphael, Tina Fey and Velma from Scooby Doo -- insiders in the optical business say it's been a while since anyone has given their industry such a shot in the arm.

The frames, which cost about $375 without lenses, are even part of the buzz at New York's Bryant Park Fashion Week. "Like Jackie Kennedy wore with the pillbox hat, her glasses will be a revolutionary thing to wear," said one designer.

Beyond aesthetics, Palin has practical reasons for wearing the glasses -- like focusing in on her prey while out hunting moose in Alaska ... and maybe even those political animals in Washington. - ABC News

If Obama sticks his foot in his mouth,
Biden is there to chew it for him.

Separated At Birth?


Thursday, September 25, 2008

Politicians and Professionals


Not Sure For Whom To Vote ?

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it ‘Barack Obama’.

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you: ‘Do you really want to get rid of ‘Barack Obama’?

6. Firmly Click ‘Yes.’

7. Repeat, using the file name ‘John McCain’.

8. Feel Better?

GOOD! - Tomorrow we’ll do Nancy Pelosi.

National Symbol

Until recently I had always thought that "F.D.I.C." stood for "Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation."

In light of the recent bank collapses, I learned that the letters actually equate to:
"F**king D**kheads In Charge."

It Says So In the Good Book

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel. He got to his room and opened up the Gideon’s Bible to page 1, then called the front desk and asked the hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.

After a while he started making passes, she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.

“It’s OK,” he replied, “it’s written in the Bible.”

So after a wild night of sex, the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it’s okay to have wild, passionate sex.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone had written in pencil: “The hat check girl puts out!”

For a Reasonable Fee

The madam opened the brothel door in Cleveland and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. 'May I help you sir?' she asked.

'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'

The man replied, 'Columbus.'

'Really', she said. 'I have family in Columbus.'

'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Doctorin' Ain't So Hard

A doctor in Duluth, Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting so he approached his assistant. "Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic." "I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients."

"Yes, sir!" answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Ole, how was your day?"

Ole told him that he took care of three patients.

"The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Bravo, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says Ole.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!"

"Tunderin Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."


Wednesday, September 24, 2008

You and Meme on the Roof Top

I wasn't distracted. I just had something else on my mind.

I don't usually do memes. I wasn't tagged for this one, but when I read the responses Lime gave to it, I decided to give it a go.

Finish the sentence with the first thought that comes to your mind.

I know....nothingk!*
I believe...there's some good in everyone.
I fought....the law and the law won.*
I am angered...by the current state of the economy..
I love...chocolate cake.
I need...to be loved.
I take...no prisoners.
I hear...ya.
I drink...only non-alcoholic drinks since 1992.
I hate...doing memes. (Even though I made an exception for this one.)
I use...to trust everyone.
I want...some chocolate cake.
I like...drawing attention to myself.
I feel...with my hands and fingers.*
I wear...a baseball cap everywhere I go.
I left...my heart in San Francisco.*
I do...unto others as I would have them do unto me.
I hope...this is the last meme to which I respond.
I dream....of Jeannie.*
I drive...a '98 GMC Sonoma pickup.
I listen...to oldies music.
I type...using the hunt and peck method.*
I think...therefore I am.*
I wish...I could meet the people on my blogroll.
I am...tired.
I regret...that I never finished college.
I care...what others think of me.
I should...have known better.
I said...NO!
I wonder.... Who wrote The Book of Love?*
I changed...my mind.
I cry...at the end of "Old Yeller." (At least my eyes get watery.)
I lose...track of time when I am online.
I leave...no stone unturned.
*With these responses, it appears that Lime and I think alike.

I'll close with the following funny truism that I lifted from Phils Phun :

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's performance.

In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries.

After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"


Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Flights of Fantasy

Hey! I just wrote some English subtitles to a foreign film clip!* It's of a woman giving a weather report. For some strange reason, I felt compelled to have her talk about herself instead. Check it out by clicking on this link:

ClipCaption Movie

Posted using ShareThis

*You can add subtitles to your own film clip via The Generator Blog .

◊ ◊ ◊

Here's a funny piece I received via e-mail from my brother-in-law, Don.


U.S.Navy releases Al Qaeda Terrorist -

I can't believe it!

The US Navy today announced that it has released a senior Al Qaeda terrorist after questioning him extensively for 27 days while being held prisoner aboard a US aircraft carrier in the Arabian Sea ...

In a humanitarian gesture, the terrorist was given $50 US and a white 1962 Ford Fairlane automobile upon being released from custody.

The attached photo shows the terrorist on his way home just after being released by the Navy.

[] GO NAVY!!! []


Did anyone tell him that there are NO virgins in Davy Jones' Locker?

I would've thought the band would have been playing

"Anchors Aweigh"....

But instead there was a rousing rendition of

"Octopuses Garden."

◊ ◊ ◊

Do you know where you stand with our troubled economy?

I know where I am standing!
(Hint: Sans paddle.)


Monday, September 22, 2008

A Blog With Lipstick Is Still A Blog

With first of the debates between McCain and Obama looming large, I am wondering what topics will create the most heated exchanges.
Moderator: Senator Obama, what do think of the debate process?
Sen Obama: The secret of good fishing is debate you put on dahook.

Moderator: What do think are the most important issues?
Sen Obama: That's a tough one, but I'd have to say it's a tossup between the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue and the Playboy Playmate Review issue.

Moderator: Governor Palin, what do you say are the most important issues?
Gov Palin: I'm partial to Field & Stream myself.

Joe Biden: Governor Palin, what does Field & Stream put in their centerfolds, moose?
Moderator: Senator Biden, you weren't called on to speak yet.
Gov Palin: I'm sure the Senator from Delaware wouldn't know a moose if he saw one.
Moderator: Okay. I'm sure the American public would like to hear your response, Mr. Biden.
Joe Biden: I do know that the difference between and a moose and an Alaskan housewife is the plaid jacket ... and lipstick!

Moderator: Senator McCain, I'm sure the American voters are concerned about your apparent confusion over the number of residences you own. Would you care to comment on that?
Sen McCain: It's quite simple really. I was putting the cart before the mule. I was counting the White House as home, rather prematurely, of course.

Moderator: Governor Palin, what would you do to clean up the mess in our government?
Gov Palin: Cleaning up messes is my specialty. Just the other day I had to clean our refrigerator at home.
Moderator: How do you equate cleaning a refrigerator to the state of our nation's government?
Gov Palin: I was using that as a metaphor. You see, our refrigerator was such a mess that the sour cream had gone good!

Moderator: Another topic of great interest to the voters is the concern for the protection of our financial institutions. They fear their stocks, mutual funds, and 401-Ks are in jeopardy.

Joe Biden: Governor Palin can put on all the lipstick she wants, but if you put lipstick on a buzzard, it's still a buzzard!

Hillary Clinton: Who are you calling a buzzard?

Yes, the Presidential and Vice Presidential debates for 2008 will be interesting. They promise to be the highest rated and most watched debates in history. Or not.


Sunday, September 21, 2008

Par For the Course


The Diet - Part 1

The Diet - Part 2

The Diet - Part 3

The Caddy

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I don't remember."

When Things Go Wrong ... Blame Murphy

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch and/or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop
Any tool, when dropped, will roll or slide to the least accessible corner.

Law of probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Law of Variation
If you change traffic lanes or lines at the store, the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
(My brother-in-law has proved this many times.)

Wilson's Law
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Law of the Telephone
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of Hot Coffee
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, you will be inspired (by youself or, more likely, your boss) to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Law of Window Cleaning
It's on the other side.

Law of Fixing or Replacement
If it jams...force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

Theorem of Making Things Fit
If it doesn't fit, use a hammer.
If it still doesn't fit, use a sledge hammer.

The Dimensions Dilemna
Dimensions will always be expressed in the least useable terms. For example, velocity will be expressed in furlongs/fortnight.

Law of Universal Fit
Interchangeable parts won't (or don't?).

Law of Anxious Unpacking
The assembly and operation manual will be discarded with the packing material. The garbage truck will have it picked up five minutes before the mad dash to the rubbish can.

Axiom: The Carpenter's Rule "Measure Twice, Cut Once" Doesn't Apply to Electricians
Any wire cut to the exact measured length will be too short.

God in action.
Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.

The Axiom of Near vs Far
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.