Sunday, February 28, 2010

Fun With Pix

<-- Guess Who?

Which kid in this picture has just seen something he's never seen before?


Sometimes it's better just to let a picture speak for itself rather than say something out of line!

My Sex Education class was given by a fat 50-ish nurse.

<-- Busing Debate

I don't know about you,
but I don't think
I want this driver
taking MY kid to school!

No Pap for Me! -->

This young lad is
destined to become
a life-long Hooter's diner.

<-- Mood Spoiler

Guess who's sleeping on the couch?

True or False: The man is a redneck.

№ 1923

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Innocence Lost


The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they lie spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, he yells at her, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!"

Death of a Virgin

Two sisters lived together, and one became quite ill. Her doctor told her she had but a short time to live.

She spoke to her sister and said, “Jennie, when I die and you put up a gravestone, I want you to inscribe it just the way I tell you. I want them to put my name on it and underneath: BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.”

She died shortly thereafter, and Jennie went to the maker of the tombstone and explained what inscription she wanted. The gravestone maker told her that there were simply too many words to be put on the headstone.

Jennie complained that those were her sister’s dying request. The gravestone maker assured her that he would do his best.

After a month the gravestone maker called Jennie and told her the stone was ready, and that he had complied with her dead sister’s wishes as best he could.

Jennie looked at the tombstone and across the top was her sister’s name just as she asked, and underneath was printed:

Virgin Mermaid

Three fellows walking along the beach noticed a mermaid sitting on a rock swishing her tail in the foam. The first man waded out to her and said, "Hello mermaid! Have you ever been kissed?"

She replied, "No sir!"

So he kissed her quite thoroughly and asked, "Did you like that?"

"Oh, indeed I did, sir!" she replied

The second man went out to her and asked,"Mermaid, have you ever had your breasts fondled?"

"No sir," she replied. So he set to fondling and caressing them and then asked, "How did you like that?"

She replied," It was most pleasurable, sir."

The third fellow approached and asked," Mermaid, have you ever been f**ked?"

"No sir," she replied.

He said, "Well you have been now, the tide's gone out!"

First Time (1)

The sky was dark, the moon was high

All alone just she and I.

Her hair was soft, her eyes were blue

I knew just what she wanted to do.

Her skin so soft, her legs so fine

I ran my fingers down her spine.

I didn’t know how, but I tried my best

I started by placing my hands on her breast.

I remember my fear my fast beating heart

But slowly she spread her legs apart

And when I did it I felt no shame.

All at once the white stuff came!

At last it’s finished, it’s all over now

My first time ever at milking a cow….

First Time (2)

Clem drove his pickup alongside the road and showed his buddy Jed where he'd first had sex. "It was right down there by that there tree. I remember it plain as day. It was a warm summer day... We were madly in love... We made our way down to that the tree and made love for hours," explained Clem.

"That sounds amazing," exclaimed Jed.

"Yep, it was goin' real well until I looked up and saw her momma standing right there watching us..."

"Damn, what did her momma say when she saw you puttin' it to her daughter?"


Another First

In an NYC Restaurant a waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.

She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"

One of the Japanese men replies, "We are all berry hungry."

The waitress says, "So how is whacking off in this restaurant going to help that situation?"

One of the other businessmen replies, "Because menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED."

A Riddle

What do you call a 400-pound woman who likes sex with both men and women?
A Bisexual Built For Two

Friday, February 26, 2010

Butterfly Dreams (5)

(A sequel to The Strange Story of Mr. Black and Ms Gray.)

They had died when helping thwart a plan to undermine the government of the United States. Now Ben and Susan have returned from the dead and they must bring that government down. Standing in their way are Michael Black and Michelle Gray, the bodies of whom they now occupy.
-(The Story begins HERE)-
Exhumation Point

As appalling as the thought of exhuming the bodies of Benjamin Bering and Susan Parsons was, the three of us nodded in silent acquiescence. It was obvious to David that the decision was a painful one for Michelle and myself as he watched us embrace.

We needed not to have looked any further than the haunting images on the computer screen to have arrived at that decision. Although he was aware of our secret, David could not fully imagine the turmoil raging within our minds.

Our traumatic awakening the year before in bodies other than our own had continued to resonate within us to the present day. We had experienced the throes of death, had felt our lives slipping away and had lapsed into dark nothingness. We were clinically dead. Then there were the blinding lights of rebirth.
For two weeks we had been isolated in separate small sterile rooms. Immobilized in our beds by straps about our bodies, we were only aware of the tubes and wires that were keeping us alive and monitoring our vital signs. That there was an outside world was apparent only when the masked faces of doctors and nurses were hovering over us.

Then one day the straps were removed and the tubes and wires were disconnected from our bodies. What followed was several days of intensive but painful therapy and exercise. Although we had been declared healthy, the doctors had offered no explanation as to why we were having such difficulty getting our limbs to respond. It was if our minds and bodies were not synchronized.

Through it all, we had been keenly aware of one another. I could sense that Susan was somewhere nearby. She could sense Ben's presence. Yet, we were not prepared for the day we were reunited, for the moment we came face to face.

Michael and Michelle, their bodies rejecting the alien minds within them, were dying. Their minds, in the body of the other, were deteriorating to the point that would soon reduce them to vegetated states until their brains would finally cease to function. They had sacrificed themselves, bequeathing their bodies to us so that we might live.
There, on the computer monitor our former bodies were very much alive. They had somehow returned from the dead and had abducted Rosie Gates.

David cleared his throat and said, "Do you think that Michael and Michelle are still alive and in ... your bodies?"

"What?" I answered with a blank stare in his direction.

"I mean," he stammered, "did someone figure out a way to save them and then ... ah ... reanimate the corpses?" He paused while we exchanged glances and added, "Or have some other minds been transferred into the bodies?"

"Let's not jump to conclusions," Michelle said. "It's possible that they have cosmetically altered those two to look like us ... like Ben and Susan."

David's fingers dancing on the keyboard he said, "I think someone wanted you to see this tape." After freezing the looping video he zoomed in on the faces of the three figures. "See? Both the man and the woman are deliberately looking up at the camera. They made no attempt to disguise themselves."

"Yes," I nodded and grimaced, "Someone must know who we are."

David pushed himself away from the computer and handed a disc to Michelle. "I burned a copy of the video for you. I think I'd better get over to the off-site and run a complete diagnostic on the network." He shrugged and opined, "Maybe someone has tried to hack into the system."

For several minutes after David closed the door behind him, we stood staring at the computer screen. We were gazing into what were once our own eyes, wondering whose souls were behind them.

Our ubiquitous someone had gone to great lengths to get our attention. The series of scattered accidents on the city's major arteries had been a statement to accentuate the strength of their organization. Rosie's abduction boasted of their ability to strike at us where we were most vulnerable. Then, there was the appearance of the deceased Ben Bering and Susan Parsons!

"Ben," Michelle whispered into my ear, "I just have to be me for a few moments while we are alone. I don't know, maybe I just need to remind myself ... who I am ... who we are ... that I'm Susan and that you are Ben."

I kissed her on the forehead and responded, "My darling Susan, I have the same need."

Our tender moment was interrupted by the telephone. Michelle glanced at the digital display and sighed, "It's Brock O'Day."

Placing the call on speaker I said, "Sergeant, I assume your investigation has turned up something."

His voice boomed from the speaker, "You can spare the formalities, Michael. I'm alone."

"Sorry," I said. "It's just that with the delicate nature of all of this ..."

"Tell me about it!" he barked. "Look, I'm having a background check run on the deceased, but I did learn something that might interest you."

"...And that is?" Michelle quipped.

"Today was her first day at the nursing home. She was hired only yesterday."

"That is interesting," Michelle mused.

"You think that's interesting?" he snapped with undertones of anger. "She was hired on the strength of a glowing reference by someone near and dear."

"Uh oh," I uttered. "I don't think I want to hear this."

"Let's just say that it looks like I'll be having a heated discussion at the dinner table tonight," he growled.

"Brock, good luck with your domestic interrogation of your wife Faye", I said. "In the meantime, Michelle and I have to plan some discreet arrangements with the cemetery regarding a certain pair of graves."

( To be continued 3/5 with ...

They Walk Among Us )


Thursday, February 25, 2010

If the 10 Commandments Were Given Today...

According to the Bible, God gave to Moses two stone tablets with the Ten Commandments inscribed upon them. Those commandments were:

I. Thou shalt have no other gods before Me..."

II. "Thou shalt not make unto God any graven image."

III. "Thou shalt not take the name of God in a vain."

IV. "Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy."

V. "Honor thy father and mother..."

VI. "Thou shalt not kill."

VII. "Thou shalt not commit adultery."

VIII. "Thou shalt not steal."

IX. "Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor."

X. "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife."

Nowhere in the Bible is there a transcript of the conversation between God and Moses while a copy of the Commandments were being burned.

If the 10 Commandments were given out today, it would be different. CNN and MSNBC would have reporters and cameras on the scene to record it all.

Quotes of Moses Upon Reading the Laws
"Well, yes, I do have an Egyptian accent, but that's because I was born and raised there."

"These tablets are pretty heavy. Couldn't you have faxed them or something?"

"Any chance these are available in paperback?"

"Thou shalt not kill? Thou shalt not steal? But how we will govern ourselves?"

"Hmmm ... We're going to need a Supreme Court to interpret them."

"I'll run it by the others, but it won't be easy to market."

"Surely these aren't intended to apply to politicians too?"

"How long do we have to get in compliance?"

"Nothing about smoking?"

"It's going to take time to get these through the legal department."

"Is this one of David Letterman's Top 10 Lists?"

"Can we make the Sabbath on Saturday so we can play golf on Sundays?"

"Well, okay, but I'll have to hire some enforcers."

"If I'm going to sell this, we'll need some special effects. Can you come up with some thunder and lightning?"

"I'll have to run these by the Rules Committee."

"We were really hoping for something less mean-spirited."

"You're setting me up, aren't you? Am I on Candid Camera or Fear Factor?"

"If I'm not to covet my neighbor's wife, she's going to have to draw the bedroom shades at night!"

"You don't suppose we could become Catholics instead?"

"Say, if you're so omnipresent, why do I have keep climbing up this f**king mountain?"

"And another thing, why did you let us wander in the desert for forty years? If you're so omniscient, you could've shown us a shortcut."

When he descended from the mount bearing the stone tablets, the first thing Moses said to his followers:
"Thou shalt not shoot the messenger."

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Paperback Cover Model

When you wish upon a star ... Makes no difference who you are ...
- Cliff Edwards as Jiminy Cricket

So I thought I might look into a career as a male model. You know, just to make a few extra bucks to supplement my income. I figure six figures would just about do it.

My first interview didn't go so well. Those people at Playgirl turned me down. The woman editor said I didn't measure up. I'm still wondering exactly what she meant by that.

Cosmopolitan said they were in negotiations with Andy Dick and weren't looking for any other male models at that time.

I was disappointed and I was mad. How mad was I? I was madder than a midget with a yo-yo. I was madder than an albino hitchhiking in a blizzard.

So much for spreads and centerfolds!

Perhaps, I thought, I'd have a shot as a cover model. I didn't have much luck there either, especially when Mad Magazine said they already had one Alfred E. Neuman. What in the hell was that supposed to mean?

Then someone suggested I could do covers for those romance novels. Hmmm ... I thought. Models on paperback novels, especially the romance ones, get to pose with beautiful women!

Count me in!

I wondered why they put so much white powder and makeup on me. Then I saw the finished photograph that would be used for a paperback cover. They did some touching-up of the pic - on the girl's image, but not mine.

When I saw the picture again the lettering for the novel had been superimposed on the image. A vampire? I looked like a cross between myself and Casper the Friendly Ghost!

My agent added insult to injury and said, "You have a face that's perfect for radio!"

Then I shrugged and lamented, "Truthfully, it's the kind of face made for blogging!"

You can put your face on the cover of a romance novel too! You can also edit the title, author and review quotation. To give it a try, visit Romance Novel Yourself.


Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Twisted Olympics

I've long wondered why "Curling" is called a sport, and why it is included as a Winter Olympic event.

Of course, I've often felt the same about Figure Skating! It's entertaining, and for some pretty, but it's a skill event and NOT a sport.

Now, I'm forced to ask, why is "Ice Dancing" a Winter Olympic Games event? It most certainly is NOT a sport! ... And what was with those silly costumes? I thought they were having a rodeo in the skating arena!

What ever happened to "Barrel Jumping"?

Why not have "Synchronized Swimming" in holes cut into the ice?

What's with this "Biathalon" thing? In those Eurpoean countries, do they actually go skiing with a gun? Is it protection from a bunny rabbit they might run into while on the ski trail? I mean, if it's going to attack you, why not bash it with your ski poles?

I have an idea. Why not have skiers race on the trail, and instead of shooting at targets, they lie on the ground and make snow angels? They could combine their time with the artistry of their angel impressions in the snow to determine the medal winners.
Olympic Parent

It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.

The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."

The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."

Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a loser who prefers to lay on the couch all day and watch TV, while Mom goes off to work to support us."

The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the schoolyard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true what he had said about his father.

He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad is an Ice Dancer for Team USA, and I was just too embarrassed to say so."
Why not have a Snowman building event? The contestants could be judged on the height and the circumferences of the head, chest and lower torsos.

That Biathalon thing ... Instead of stopping to shoot guns at a stationary target, why not have the Olympians try to knock a hat off someone with snowballs?

While on the subject of snowballs ... why not have a winterized version of "Dodge Ball", where teams try to hit each other with snowballs until only one player is left.

A great idea for Winter Olympic team competition could be contested by contractors building igloos!

Ski Jumping is interesting to watch. But why not have an event where the jumpers ski off the edge of a high cliff wearing a parachute. The jumpers could be awarded medals based on how close they come to landing in a three-foot circle below the cliff.

Here's an interesting Winter Olympic event: "Nude Cross Country Skiing." The contestants, wearing nothing but their boots and skis race over a course to be the the first to build a fire at the finish line to warm themselves and thus keep from freezing to death.

"Heads-of-State Pairs Skating"

... The thrill of victory ... the agony of defeat ...


Monday, February 22, 2010

Avatar: A Must See

WOW !!

I'm not a movie critic, but I know what I like. And I liked this movie!

James Cameron has done it again!

A belated birthday present from my daughter and son-in-law, they took me to see this film on Sunday afternoon at an iMax theater.

It's one thing to see a movie on a 70 x 50 foot screen, but it's quite another to see it in 3D! With so many incredible visual and special effects, it is no surprise that Avatar has received several Academy Award nominations.

If you are not a fan of science fiction, this movie may not be your cup of tea. If you don't like mind-blowing special effects, this movie is not for you. Then again, even if you don't care for science fiction or special effects, you still might enjoy the film.

The main character's mind is transferred into an 'avatar', one of the alien beings on a moon named Pandora. I thought this was interesting as it was suggestive of a similar technology I have featured in my short story, The Strange Story of Mr. Black and Miss Gray, as well as its current sequel which is being posted on this site every Friday, Butterfly Dreams.

I have not enjoyed a movie this much with this much edge-of-your-seat action since Raiders of the Lost Ark.

WOW !!

While the movie was also filmed in the standard 2D format, if there is an iMax theater near you, that's the way to go. This is best 3D imagery I've ever seen on screen - it's almost like looking into a View Master.

For the ladies - it's also a love story!

The scenes with the "floating" mountains are awesome. It was easy to feel a sense of vertigo.

Did I happen to mention that I liked this movie?


Friday, February 19, 2010

Butterfly Dreams (4)

(A sequel to The Strange Story of Mr. Black and Ms Gray.)

They had died when helping thwart a plan to undermine the government of the United States. Now Ben and Susan have returned from the dead and they must bring that government down. Standing in their way are Michael Black and Michelle Gray, the bodies of whom they now occupy.
-(The Story begins HERE)-
The Mind of the Matter

Within an hour the hallways of the nursing home were alive with the frenetic activity of uniformed and plain-clothed officers from the surrounding precincts. Sergeant Brock O'Day was in his element as he interacted with his fellow officers of the law.

Elsewhere the State Police and Highway Department were busy trying to clean up the series of accidents that had strangled rush hour traffic on the Southeast Express into and out of Boston. That those accidents were in any way connected to the murder of a nurse and the abduction of a patient at the nursing home was a thought shared by only Michelle and myself.

While the welfare of Rosie Gates was foremost on our minds, it was understandable that we would be focusing our attention on her abductors as well. As far as the world was concerned, Benjamin Bering and Susan Parsons were dead. Yet, their images captured by a security camera, they could be seen shepherding Rosie from her room and into a hallway.

We had taken up temporary residence in the visitor's lounge which was located on the south wing of the nursing home. Removed from the police activity we were both lost within our own thoughts. I was staring at a cup of coffee from a vending machine contemplating whether or not I dared to take another sip of the bitter contents. Michelle, her arms folded across her chest stood looking out a large window overlooking the parking lot.

David shuffled into the lounge and with trepidation addressed us, "The two of you, you're really you, aren't you? That wasn't you on the tape. You know what I mean. Oh hell," he sputtered, "I don't know what I mean."

I lifted a finger to my lips and whispered, "David, I think you'll you agree that we should discuss that ... ah ... delicate matter in a more private setting ... later."

Nodding in agreement he collapsed into one of the plush armchairs and began to play around with his PDA. He looked up and said, "I overheard some of the cops talking. There are no distinguishable fingerprints, there are no witnesses, and the Feds took the security tape. Their investigation is going nowhere."

Michelle turned to him and said, "I was unable to save your transmission on my laptop. I don't suppose you ..."

He winked and patted his chest. "Yes, I was able to copy it onto a disc."

I patted him on the shoulder and said, "Good man. For now, I think we should keep that fact to ourselves."

"Keep what to yourselves?" Brock O'Day's voice boomed from the doorway.

"Uh ... nothing concrete, Brock. It was just a theory we were discussing. That's all," I replied.

Obviously having suspected our prescience regarding the events of the day Brock asserted, "You suspected this, didn't you? You knew ... all of this was going to happen."

"Sergeant," Michelle interjected, "We knew, we all knew they would be back."

"We didn't foresee," I chimed in, "that they would come after Rosie."

He studied our faces for a moment, perhaps to read if there were any signs of deceit, before speaking. "By they, I presume you didn't foresee Ben and Susan coming back from the dead."

"That's what I meant about keeping certain facts to ourselves." I waved my arm indicating those present and added, "The four of us are the only ones to have seen that video footage. That tape is now in the hands of the Feds."

He nodded in resignation, "You're right, of course. I would look rather foolish if I submitted a report stating that the kidnappers were ... uh ... ghosts!"

He slipped passed me and made his way to the vending machine. As he fumbled in his pocket for change I held the cup in my hand aloft and warned, "I wouldn't if I were you ... unless to happen to have a craving for motor oil."

Michelle approached him and whispered, "Brock, can I ask a favor of you?"

He eyed her suspiciously before replying, "Should I be afraid to ask what that favor might be?"

A sheepish grin formed on her lips, "Well, I was wondering if that, with your connections, that you might be able to obtain a copy of the impending autopsy report of the victim in the basement."

"Yeah, but besides the cause and time of death, why would you want to see a copy?" he asked.

"I see where Michelle's going with this," I interjected. "It would be interesting to know if the coroner finds any unusual ... uh ... markings on the body of the deceased."

He gasped, "My God! You're talking about a god damned butterfly tattoo!"

Two hours later in the private confines of our downtown apartment, Michelle and I hovered over David's back as he loaded a disc into the computer. In a matter of moments we were staring at the captured images of three figures as they moved through the hallway of the nursing home.

"I can't believe it," Michelle exclaimed. "She's not being dragged. They're holding onto her arms, but she's walking under her own power."

"I was thinking the same thing. For someone who was supposed to be paralyzed from the neck down, she certainly is displaying significant mobility," David said.

I took a deep breath and exhaled with a low whistle, "There was nothing wrong with her mind, but was it strong enough to overcome paralysis? Hmmm ... the mind of the matter ..."

"You're right, Michael," my wife mused. "I think it's safe to say that there was more than one mind at work here."

"That man and woman look like us, or rather, look like our former bodies," I said in resignation to David. "You are part of only a handful who know that we are Ben Bering and Susan Parsons."

Realizing the scope of the recent events his eyes widened and he stammered, "...And ... and Rosie is one of those who know... and they took her! The Feds now have her."

"David, let's not jump to conclusions," Michelle asserted calmly. "We don't know that it was the Feds who took Rosie."

"What?" he said in confusion. "They took the security tapes. Isn't it obvious to you that they were removing the evidence of their involvement?"

I cleared my throat and interjected, "Or, they are as much baffled by what occurred at the nursing home as we are!"

To keep his arms from flailing about he jammed his hands into his pants pockets. It was obvious in his silence that his mind was wrestling with my supposition that there were other players involved.

"There's something else for us to think about," Michelle said. "We saw Ben's and Susan's bodies lying at rest in the funeral home. We saw them being interred at the cemetery. We were there."

On cue I completed her thoughts, "From the funeral home, to the cemetery and into the ground, those coffins were sealed. I'm afraid we have to asks ourselves ... just who or what were in those caskets?"

( To be continued Friday 2/26 with ...

Exhumation Point! )


Thursday, February 18, 2010

The Maxims of Maxine


(Or You Can't Go Wrong Posting the Wit of Maxine)

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26..Ham and eggs.A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on. Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few.


Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I Don't Feel Any Older

Three score and two years ago ...

Monday ~Sigh~ another birthday!

... so many candles, the smoke detector went off ... a neighbor called the fire department ... a bunch of kids showed up with marshmallows on sticks ...

Just kidding, none of that happened. There were no special festivities. Essentially it was just another day.

Actually any celebration was put on hold until next Sunday. My daughter and son-in-law want to celebrate my birthday then at their house. Knowing that I've been wanting to see that James Cameron movie, Avatar, they're taking me to see it in 3-D at a nearby iMax theater.

After the movie, we'll return to their home for pizza followed by the lighting of the cake. (One if by land and two if by sea ... or is it the other way around?)

After the big five-oh, I stopped being excited about my birthdays. It was at that point that I knew that I probably had more behind me than ahead of me.

A stimulus gift from the government like the one in the cartoon at the left would have been a nice present.

Of course, I'd have to worry about lighting the candle!


When I was born, Harry S. Truman was the President.

Gasoline was 16 cents a gallon. A loaf of bread was 14 cents. A new car would set you back $1250.00 and a new house was $7700.00!

The board game Scrabble was introduced. Israel became an independent state. Mahatma Gandhi was assassinated. NASCAR held its first modified stock car race at Daytona Beach.

Also born that year and "younger" than me: Prince Charles, Al Gore, Samuel L. Jackson, Alice Cooper, Andrew Lloyd Webber, Ozzy Osborne, James Taylor, Olivia Newton-John, and Donna Summer, just to name a few.

~Sigh~ Putting that list together certainly didn't make me feel any younger!

Truthfully, I don't really feel old as in over-the-hill. ... Then I remember that in three years I will be facing retirement! I plan on it being a long and healthy retirement.

I also plan on continuing to maintain this Blog for a long time to come. So continue to read along and grow older with me.


Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Hi -'Ho' Silver

Here's an old joke freshened up with some illustrations. (Thanks Jack.)

The Lone Ranger's Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger!"

"In honor of the Harvest Festival,
YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests."
"What is your FIRST request ???'

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with
a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches,
the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse,
But I will still kill you in two days.
"What is your SECOND request ???"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
to his horse. Silver is brought to him,
and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears
over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,
Silver again returns, this time with a
voluptuous brunette, more attractive
than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief
is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,
But I will still kill you tomorrow.
What is your LAST request ???

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone,
the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
Looks him square in the eye and says,
"Listen Very Carefully ...

FOR ... THE ... LAST... TIME ...


№ 1913

Monday, February 15, 2010

PETA Terrorists

PETA is at it again! Having failed to have Punxsatawney Phil replaced with an animatronic groundhog, they've set their sights on Mickey Dee's. Apparently the sale Chicken McNuggets at McDonald's has gotten them riled. Does this mean that Col. Sanders' Kentucky Fried Chicken gets a reprieve?

In the past they've attacked everything from the circus, zoos and aquariums, the fur industry. If they had their way ALL products from animals would be banned from human consumption.

Just what is PETA, and what does it stand for anyway?

PITA (Pain In The Ass) - oops!

PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) is organizing more and more protests and each protest seems to outdo the last.

PETA (People Eating Tasty Animals) seems to be willing to give up everything for their animal cause.

PETA (Previously Employed Total Airheads): Do they really care about animals or do they care more about having a "cause" and being part of something?

PETA (Plenty of Exposed Tits and Ass): It's nice when beautiful girls show off their bodies, but does it really help animals?

PETA (Playboy Exists Take Advantage): Many of the nude/semi-nude women employed by PETA are Playboy models. Would this be considered protecting bunnies ?

PETA (Princesses Exposing Their Anatomy) Aren't they simply exploiting women to spread their message? Why aren't feminist groups attacking them?

PETA’s president has said that “even if animal research resulted in a cure for AIDS, we would be against it.” PETA has repeatedly attacked research foundations like the March of Dimes, the Pediatric AIDS Foundation, and the American Cancer Society, solely because they support animal-based research aimed at curing life-threatening diseases and birth defects. PETA helped to start and manage a quasi-medical front group, the misnamed Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine, to attack medical research head-on.

~ ~ PETA has decided NOT to release a video that would have incriminated Goldilocks for abusing bears. Allegedly the footage shows the girl stealing their food and using their bedding. They will not pursue the matter as the video camera had been illegally placed in the bears house and without their permission.

However, they will pursue charges against Mother Goose for the cruel treatment of Humpty Dumpty which resulted in the ovate characters demise.

They have also been in discussions with the lawyers of the Big Bad Wolf. It is believed they will seek punishment to the fullest extent of the law against Little Red Riding Hood.

What are some possible future causes for PETA? Who do they attack next?

Are Keebler and Nabisco about to placed under siege because of their Animal Crackers? Does Pepperidge Farms have need for concern because of their Goldfish crackers?

Perhaps Elmer Fudd should seek counsel, lest he be charged for his abusive hunting practices involving Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck.

Shame on those who sleep on goose or eider down feather pillows! Do they realize how many geese and eider ducks are running around bare ass and freezing to death?

A word of warning: During the next Christmas holiday, don't let PETA catch you giving such gifts as partridges, turtle doves, french hens and calling birds. That goes for the geese and the swans also! Don't let those maids milk any cows either!

You might also want to be careful during Easter with your consumption of those Peeps!

PETA (Please Eradicate These Assholes)


Saturday, February 13, 2010

For Lovers Only

Happy Valentine's Day to all!


One day this girl was talking to her friend and she said to her, “My boyfriend bought me flowers for Valentines Day this year, so I guess I’ll have to put my legs in the air for him.” To which her friend replied, “Why? Don’t you have a vase?”

Charlie's Gift

As Valentines day was approaching, Charlie decided to buy a special gift for his new girlfriend, Ruth. The couple had not been dating for very long, and so Charlie wanted to make sure the gift was just right. Ruth was always complaining about having cold hands, and so Charlie - after careful consideration - decided a good gift would be a nice pair of gloves.

Charlie took his sister with him to buy the gift - he wanted a woman’s opinion. they found a nice pair of gloves at the store, and Charlie’’s sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time. Unfortunately, the sales clerk got the two items mixed up.

Charlie mailed his Valentine’’s Day gift to Ruth, accompanied by the following note:
I chose this Valentines Day gift as I noticed that you often don”t wear any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.

These are a lovely color. The lady at the store where I bought them showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks, and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely.

I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I”ll be kissing them in the future. I hope you”ll wear them Friday night for me.


Valentines Pic Quiz

They're going to a club. Which one gets hit on first?

Did Barbie like Ken's Valentine gift? -->

Looking For A Valentine? Here's Some Pick-up Lines

I may not be Fred Flintstone but I can sure make your bed rock!

I’ve heard sex is a killer. Want to die happy?

Excuse me, but I’m new in town, can I have directions to your place?

I’m a thief, and I’m here to steal your heart.

I wish I were a tear so I could start in your eyes, live on your face, and die on your lips.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.

Do you have a map? Because I keep getting lost in your eyes.

I think I need to call heaven because they’ve lost one of their angels.

Is your name Gillette? Because you’re the best a man can get!

Do you believe in the hereafter? Well, then I guess you know what I’m here after.

Do you have a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants.

The body is made up of 90% water and I’m thirsty.

Baby you must be tired because you’ve been running through my mind all night!

Are you an overdue book? Because you’ve got FINE written all over you!

How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice- can I get your number?

I have Skittles in my mouth, wanna taste the rainbow?

That’s a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?

If I had a garden I’d put your tulips and my tulips together.

If you were a new sandwich at McDonalds, you’d be called McGorgeous.

All those curves! And me with no brakes!

Excuse me for interrupting and I’m not trying to make a pass, but you must be leaving the country if you’re packing that much ass.

You might as well sleep with me because I’m going to tell everyone we did anyway!

I would say God bless you but it looks like he already did.

It’s a good thing I have my library card, because I’m checking you out.

Damn, I’m glad I’m not blind!

If I followed you home, would you keep me?

If I told you you had a gorgeous body, would you hold it against me?

You look like my second wife! And I’ve only been married once!

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

Do you believe in love at first site, or should I walk past you again?

If you were Sprite, I’d obey my thirst!

Excuse me can I borrow a quarter, it is an emergency. My mom told me to giver her a call the first time I fell in love.

I lost my number, can I have yours?

Let’s make like fabric softner and snuggle.

Do you like bananas or blueberries? Why? I wanna know what kind of pancakes to make in the morning.

Funny Valentine's Day Quotes

"If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?"

"Falling in love is so hard on the knees."

"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties."
-Jules Renard

"Love is a grave mental disease."