Thursday, November 26, 2009

Saying Thanks

God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say 'thank you'?- William A. Ward

Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful.-Buddha

If the only prayer you ever say in your whole life is 'thank you', that would suffice. ~ Meister Eckhart

When asked if my cup is half-full or half-empty my only response is that I am thankful I have a cup. ~ Sam Lefkowitz

I came from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. ~ Erma Bombeck

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.~ Erma Bombeck

On Thanksgiving Day, all over America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment - halftime. ~ Author Unknown

Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants. ~ Kevin James

You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out. ~ Jay Leno

I love Thanksgiving's the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger


Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Gobbles and Giggles

To each and every one,
I wish you and yours a
Happy Thanksgiving.


Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Pappy Says ...

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I bought my wife a new car.
She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."
I asked her , "Where's the car?"
She replied, "In the lake."

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

After a quarrel, my wife said to me, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
I replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

When my credit card was stolen I decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than my wife did.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

Popeye asked me, "Pappy, how much does it cost to get married?"
I replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Popeye: Is it true, Pappy, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Pappy: That happens in every country, son.

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

Popeye: Pappy! I've found a woman just like mother.
Pappy: So what do you want? sympathy?

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

I complained to a friend, "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman - and then, BAM!, it was all gone!"
"What happened?" he asked me.
"My wife found out..."

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father,
I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

I once met a genie. The genie tells me I can ask for whatever I want, but my mother-in-law gets double of what I get.
Thinking for a minute I said, "Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelery.

How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get your laundry done free.

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

My wife told me I should be more affectionate.
So I went out and got myself two girlfriends.


Sunday, November 22, 2009

Name That Theme

For a lazy Sunday -
Here's some memory joggers to take you down Nostalgia Ave.

This one is a little more taxing -
the answers are not included in the video.

So as not to tax you too much,
I have provided the answers below the video.

1. Cheers,
2. Gilligan's Island,
3. The Simpsons,
4. Bewitched,
5. I Dream of Jeannie,
6. I Love Lucy,
7. Laverne & Shirley,
8. Leave it to Beaver,
9. The Mary Tyler Moore Show,
10. The Flintstones,
11. Taxi,
12. Roseanne,
13. The Andy Griffith Show,
14. The Bob Newhart Show,
15. The Dick Van Dyke Show,
16. The Golden Girls,
17. The A-Team,
18. The Munsters,
19. Bonanza,
20. The Dukes of Hazzards

You knew all of them?
Or did it drive you nuts because you couldn't think of them?

Perhaps it drove you over the edge like this guy?


Saturday, November 21, 2009

Cletis Clyde: Talkin' Turkey

Howdee do, folks. Cletis Clyde here. I jest installed my brand-spankin' new weather predictin' thing-a-mabob out yonder in the back yard. The feller down at the hardware store tol' me it was state-of-the-art, but he wuzn't sure which state the art wuz done in.

Ya know, I'm a-thinkin' he might a hornswoggled me outta $4.95, plus tax. The way I sees it, that danged thing ain't gonna be predictin' no weather until after what weather they's a gonna be happens.

I'm a-fixin' to march right back down there and demand a refund. They's better things to spend my hard-earned unemployed money on. Hell, I can buys me some Carlings or Pabsts, d'pends on which one is on sale, and get drunk. Then I won't be payin' no never mind to what the weather is. Yup, that's what I'm a-gonna do. I'll show that feller that he's gonna hafta get up awful late in the afternoon to pull a fast one over my eyeballs!

Tarnation! Would ya lookie yonder. The sun's done settin' and it ain't even four thirty yet! Have I ever tol' y'all jest how much I hate it when they decide to turn the clocks back fer daylight stealin' time? It ain't fair, 'specially to us ordinary folks. When I roll outta bed 'round two o'clock they's only about two or three hours of daylight left. Damned iffin' the whole day ain't been wasted!

Can y'all believe it? Next week is Thanksgivin' Day. It sure 'nuff snuck up on me this here year. I wuz a sittin' on the porch swing the udder day a thinkin' 'bout Thanksgivin' and how it come to be a holiday in the firs' place. I come to the 'clusion that the story what's in the histry books jest cain't be true.

Think 'bout it. These Pilgims, they's all dressed up in their Sunday-best clothes and they get off a boat at Plymouth Rock? Right off, that part oughta have ya scratchin' yer noggins. They didn't have cars back then, so how in the hell wuz they gonna name that rock after one?

Still ain't convinced that story ain't nothin' but a crock what wuz made up so's state and fed'ral workers can get a-nudder day off wiff pay? Are you really inclined to believe that those Injuns a-wearin' nuffin' but moccasins and loin cloths jest up and walked right outta the woods and greeted these Quackers who was a-wearin' hats and shoes with buckles on them?

Hell no! Them natives woulda been a-hidin' in the bushes and a-whisperin' amongst their friends, "Aw, shit! There goes the neighborhood!" What finally brung them out in the open, y'all ask? They jest kept a-watching them until they wuz good and ready to make contack. Ya see, they wuz a watchin' them Pilgrim gals a-takin' baths down by the river. Jest like men today, them braves weren't very long a-fore they's starting to get cardinal ideas - iffin ya gets my drift.

It's prolly true what them histry books say 'bout them Injuns bein' right neighborly and teachin' this country's firs' boat people how to plant corn and stuff. Them Injuns knew all about reapin' and sowin' and plantin' seeds, coz they lived off the land. They weren't as s'fistocated as that tribe what lived out in Ohio what called themselves the Cleveland Indians.

But don't be so indignorant to think that them Injuns wuzn't doin' a lot of their own reapin' and sowin' and plantin' of their own seeds. Now whilst Miles Standish and John Alden was a-fightin' over Priscilla Mullens, they wuzn't payin' much 'tention jest what she wuz up to. Well, I 'spect she wuz busy learnin' from one of them braves all about plantin' and such. A-fore one them Pilgrim fellers had the chance, I'm purty sure that Injun was a'ready making sure her garden wuz fertilized.

Well, Alden ended up winnin' Priscilla fer his wife when he gave her one of them makeup things wiff a mirror and stuff to put on her face. Yup, you done guessed right. It was the Mayflower Compact. They sure did a lot of reapin' and sowin' and plantin' too, cause they had ten younguns. Accordin' to histry, that woman was born in Surrey County in the south of England. Y'all ain't gonna believe the name of the town she wuz born in. I ain't lying, the town wuz named Dorking! I figgers that wuz why she wuz so good at reapin' and sowin' and plantin'.

They's anudder thing I think is phony 'bout that first Thanksgivin'. Where in the hell did they come up with all them vittles they had? Yeah, they wuz wild turkeys in the woods and they did manage to plant some corn, but what 'bout the rest of that spread? Mash taters, cranberry sauce and apple pies? Come on folks, smarten up! There wuzn't anywhere near where theys coulda went shoppin' at a Winn-Dixie or a Krogers or even a Piggly Wiggly. They wuzn't even a convenience store in them parts.

I guess it don't matter nohow what's true and what's not true about Thanksgivin' Day. All I knows is that I'm gonna eat till I gotta loosen my belt and watch me some football games. Who knows, after she's done cleanin' up, and iffin' I'm lucky, maybe the ol' lady'll let me do some plantin' of my own!

Well, a-fore I run off to the hardware store to get my money back fer that weather thingy, they's somethin' I wanna tell you 'bout. It's 'bout what happened to me the udder day down at the fillin' station when I wuz a-gettin' gas fer my weed-eater.

I wuz a mindin' my own bizness when this purty gal pulled up in a fancy red car. Well, she commenced to open the hood and then wuz a-lookin' inside at the enjun like she wuz a-tryin' to see why her motor wuzn't runnin' proper like. She wuz a-wearin' cut-off shorts so tight they must-a been spray-painted on her! Lookin' at that sure enuff got my motor a-runnin', iffin ya get my drift.

Well I had jest worked up enuff gumption to mosey on over there to see iffin I could do somethin' 'bout both our motors. A-fore I got there, this guy pulled up in a truck and asked me fer d'rections to the Interstate.

I spied his plate and seen that he wuz from Tennessee. So I asked him where he wuz a-headin'. He tol' me he was goin' to Pennsylvania for some homemade apple pie. I said to him that that would make fer some good words to put in a song. He said that someone had a'ready done a song like that. Tarnation, I thought. Jest like that someone up and stole my idea.

When he pulled off in his truck I remembered that gal wiff them tight shorts on. Danged if I didn't turn around and she wuzn't a-drivin' off too. Well, I guess they wuz a lesson to be learned there. You fellas out there, I'm gonna leave you wiff some sound advice.
When you see tight shorts on a purty butt, pay no 'tention to the ass what asks fer d'rections.
Well, I hope y'all have a happy Thanksgiving. So r'member, pay more 'tention to the turkeys what's served to you and less 'tention to what udder turkeys be sittin' 'round the table.


Thursday, November 19, 2009

The Holy Babble - the Kids' Edition

A few summers ago I picked up a few books at a yard sale for the bargain price of 25 cents apiece. I dusted off the jacket of one of them this evening. It was a book by the actor-comedian, Dick Van Dyke. The 1970 Doubleday publication is titled Faith, Hope and Hilarity - The Child's View of Religion.

The book is a collection of anecdotes of children and their perspective on religion and the teachings of the Good Book. I skipped through the book and selected a few passages to post here. I paraphrased them so that I would remain at least on the outer fringes of plagiarism.

° ° ° ° ° ° ° °
On his first day at Bible School one little boy opened his lesson book on the Creation. Seeing the image at the left he called out, "Hey, guys! This is going to be good. Here's Tarzan and Jane!"

° ° ° ° ° ° ° °
A little girl visiting her grandmother happened to be thumbing through a large and old family Bible. She found a dried pressed leaf which crumbled at her touch. "Look, grandma! Do you think this old leaf belonged to Eve?"

° ° ° ° ° ° ° °
According to the Book of Genesis, after God had fashioned the heavens and the earth, He created man in His own image and put him in the Garden of Eden. Realizing that Adam needed a mate, He took a rib from his side while he slept and made from it a woman named Eve.

When he heard the story in Sunday School, it made a strong impression on one imaginative little boy. Later that day, the boy was running too hard and felt a pain in his side.

"Oh, gee," he said to his mother, "I think I'm going to have a wife."

° ° ° ° ° ° ° °
The story of Noah's Ark is one that is sure to evoke some interesting reactions in young children. This was obvious in an exchange from two boys after hearing the story at Sunday School.

Said one, "Do you suppose Noah did a lot of fishing on his Ark?"

His friend replied, "How could he, with only two worms?"

° ° ° ° ° ° ° °
A teacher asked her class to make a drawing that illustrated their favorite Bible story. One boy drew an animal and colored it green, red and purple.

"What is it?" his teacher asked him.

"It's Joseph's goat of many colors."

° ° ° ° ° ° ° °
A family was on the way home after a Christmas pageant. Wondering how the children remembered of the play, the father asked, "Who was that baby in the manger?"

"Wayne!" answered his four-year-old daughter.

"Who?" he asked.

"Oh, Daddy," said the girl with expressed impatience, "Didn't you ever listen to us sing, 'A Wayne In A Manger'?"

° ° ° ° ° ° ° °
One little girl asked her Sunday School teacher, "Why did Jesus wear long hair?"

Before the teacher could think of an answer, another little girl piped up, "Only His hairdresser knows!"

№ 1844

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

The World According to Larry

There's one good thing about having been blogging for almost five years and having put up nearly 2000 posts on six different blogs - you can cull from a plethora of stuff, reprint one of them and call it a CLASSIC.

Larry the Cable Guy

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Who's On Mac?

There's one good thing about having been blogging for almost five years and having put up nearly 2000 posts on six different blogs - you can cull from a plethora of stuff, reprint one of them and call it a CLASSIC.

You'll love this one, even if you didn't know who Abbott and Costello were! You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers and all the onerous jargon associated with them, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, "Who's On First?" might have turned out something like this:


ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
COSTELLO: For my office?
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left.It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

(A few days later...)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".

This is not original, but it's something I wish I'd written. I don't know where it originated, it was received in an e-mail back in November of '06.


Thursday, November 12, 2009

Goodbye Normal Jeans

I Guess It Was Going To Happen Sooner or Later -

Denim Bikini Pants!

Who Says Older Women Can't Think Outside the Box ...

... Er, Outside the Bra

In This Day of Miniaturization ...

Leave It to Japan to Come up With the Minimal Swimsuit !

Early Bikinis ... Circa 100,000 B.C.

Even the Invisible Woman Needs a Swimsuit?


Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I'm a Veteran and Proud of It !

"Oh say does that star-spangled banner yet wave ..."

Say, what happened to all of those flags anyway? I'm talking about those flags that in the immediate aftermath of Sept. 11, 2001, could be seen prominently displayed almost everywhere you looked.

Has patriotism become outdated? Is it out of vogue to pay tribute to those who have fallen to keep us free?

Veterans Day, 11/11/2009:

I looked for flags today. I was dismayed when I realized my search was virtually a scavenger hunt. Oh, I saw some U.S. flags. They could be seen on poles above schools, city halls, post offices and other government buildings, but scarce were those displayed at private homes.

I'm won't extol the virtues of being patriotic; freedom assures all of us the right to express patriotism in our own ways, whether within our hearts or by wearing it on our sleeves.

I've posted the following quotes because they express what it means to be patriotic far more eloquently that I can ever hope to:
Off with your hat, as the flag goes by!
And let the heart have its say;
you're man enough for a tear in your eye
that you will not wipe away.
~Henry Cuyler Bunner

If our country is worth dying for in time of war let us resolve that it is truly worth living for in time of peace.
~Hamilton Fish

And I'm proud to be an American,
where at least I know I'm free.
And I won't forget the men who died,
who gave that right to me.
~Lee Greenwood

If you are ashamed to stand by your colors, you had better seek another flag.
~Author Unknown

Where liberty dwells, there is my country.
~Benjamin Franklin

Liberty and Union, now and forever, one and inseparable!
~Daniel Webster
I'd like to think that the following quote by Samuel Langhorn Clemens is not an accurate view. Alas, I fear it might be true:
In the beginning of a change, the patriot is a scarce man, brave, hated, and scorned. When his cause succeeds however, the timid join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot.
~ Mark Twain
It seems like a distance memory, but once upon a time the kids in a classroom would stand, face the American flag, place their hand over their hearts and recite the following:
If it were in my power, this practice would be reprised forthwith!

"...O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave."


Tuesday, November 10, 2009

You Say To-mah-to ...

"What would you like on your sandwich, ma'am?" the man behind the counter asked the woman.

"A slice of to-mah-to," she replied to him.
I was next in line at the sandwich counter of the deli as the above exchange took place. Like the man preparing her order, I raised my eyebrows in reaction to the haughty manner of her enunciation.

I've heard 'tomato' pronounced as 'to-mah-to' before, and it came as no surprise to hear it from a lady who spoke with her nose in the air. It was her deliberate use of the long 'A' (rhyming it with 'day') to begin her reply that caught my attention.
( In response to the man, most of our replies would have sounded like, "Uh slice of tomato." )
When referring to the letter 'A' itself, it is pronounced with a hard or long emphasis. But when used as an article in speech, it is generally voiced as "uh."
"Make sure the to-mah-to is fresh," she added waving her finger at him.
With that statement, the word 'the' was expressed with a long 'e' to sound like 'thee.' Of course, most of us would have verbalized 'the' as 'thuh.' ( Hmmm ... curious that 'a' and 'the' would rhyme, isn't it? )

According to the lexicographer, Mr. Noah Webster, when referring to the letter a or A, it is correctly pronounced long. However, when used as an article, it is pronounced as 'uh' as indicated by an upside down 'e.' ( Give the lady one demerit for her verbal faux pas. )

On the matter of the word 'the', Webster lists first 'thuh' as the preferred pronunciation, but also mentions 'the' with a long 'e' as also acceptable, although archaic.
Either one is correct. Neither one is wrong.
I suspect that this lady would have taken exception to my vocalization of those two words.
I say 'ee-ther' and 'nee-ther'.

No doubt she would have said 'eye-ther' and 'nigh-ther'.
Now, even though she spoke in a blue-blood haughty manner, and had a typical Bostonian accent, her next request caught me by surprise.
"Could you wrap that in al-u-min-i-um ?"
Wait a minute, I thought. This woman wasn't British. Why was she pronouncing 'aluminum' like those people across the pond. I thought only the British added the non-existent syllable to that word!

I can only assume that this woman was trying to put on an air of sophistication by displaying a holier-than-thou attitude. ( Should 'thou" be pronounced as 'thoo'? )

In the end I was about to dismiss her act, after all what harm was she doing anyway? I was about to ... until she was paying for the sandwich ...
"That'll be $3.07, ma'am," the counterman announced.
She handed the man three one-dollar bills and inexplicably counted out seven pennies from the plastic tray next to the register.

I decided not to dismiss her act! Not only was she a phony and putting on airs, but she was cheap too!

Lady, you say to-mah-to, I say ... phooey!


Thursday, November 05, 2009

Dyslexic Man Walks Into A Bra ...

Smells Good

Every day a male co-worker walked up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, took a big breath of air and told her that her hair smelled nice.

After a week of it, she couldn’t stand it anymore and complained to a supervisor in the personnel department stating her wish to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor, puzzled by her decision, asked, “What’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”

“It’s Raymond, the midget.”


A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by St. Peter. There were a few people waiting before her, so she strikes up a conversation with the cock-bearing saint. They were deep in discussion when suddenly she hears a blood-curdling scream.

“What was that?” she asked.

“Oh, don’t worry about that,” said St. Peter. “It’s just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo.”

A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, more terrible than the previous one.

“What was that?” she asked again.

“Oh, don’t worry,” again said St. Peter soothingly. “It’s just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings.”

Upon hearing this, the lady starts to back away.

“Where are you going?” inquired St. Peter.

“I think I’ll go downstairs,” answers the lady.

“But you can’t go there. You’ll be raped and sodomized!”

“It’s okay,” she notes. “I’ve already got the holes for that.”

Jill's Legs

So this new bar opens and the owner can't think of a name. So he decides to name the bar after the 3rd person who walks in. It takes doesn't take long and soon the 3rd customer walks in.

The owner jumps up and walks over to the girl and says, "You're the 3rd person to enter my bar and I'm going to name it after you."

"Okay," she says, "My name is Jill."

The owner looks her over and says, "I like your legs too, so I'm going to name the bar 'Jill's Legs'"

The next day a bum is sitting outside the bar and a cop asks him what he's doing.

He answers, "Waiting for Jill's Legs to open so I can get a drink!"

For the Love of a Woman

This man walks in a bar and says to the bartender, "Hey Joe, how about fixing me up with 8 shots of whiskey and 8 bottles of beer?"

Joe says, "Well hell, what's the matter?"

The Man says, "Well, my son has just come home from college and I found out he's gay."

Joe says, "Man that's terrible," and gives the man his whiskey and beer.

Two weeks go by and the same man goes to the bar... He walks in and says, "Hey Joe, how about fixing me up with 8 shots of whiskey and 8 bottles of beer?"

Joe says, "Well hell, what's the matter this time?"

The man says, "Well my other boy just come home from college and I found out that HE'S gay."

Joe says, "Man, that's a damn shame," and fixes him up with the beer and whiskey.

Three weeks go by and the man comes bursting through the doors and says, "Joe, I want you to fix me up with every f*cking drink you got in the house!"

Joe says, "Geez, doesn't anyone in your family love women?"

The man says, "Yeah, I just found out my wife does..."

Cleanliness is next to Godliness

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar:
| Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 |

| Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 |

| Hand Job: $10.00 |
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"


Wednesday, November 04, 2009

The Name of the Toon

Hey You Guys!

The world of comics and cartoons has been turned upside down!

Toonville, USA will never be the same. The residents of Toonville will never be the same.

Harvey Toon here, reporting on the growing controversy that has cartoon folks everywhere in an uproar. Here in Toonville, not only are the Tooners discussing the news at the water coolers, but the water coolers are voicing their opinions also.

Not since the scandalous marriage of the voluptuous (wolf whistle) Jessica to Roger Rabbit and their shocking bedroom video, have the denizens of this toon burg found themselves the center of so much media attention.

I have in my hands the magazine which contains the photographs that has the town abuzz. I am going to interview some well known cartoon characters on the street. I'll show them the photos and get their reaction. Across the street is a crowd of toon stars milling about. Let's see what they have to say.

Harvey Toon: Fellow Toons, just what do you think of these photos?

Fred Flintstone: Yabba-Dabba-Doo!

Snagglepuss: Heavens to Murgatroid. E-e-e-e-ven!

Popeye: Well, blow me down!

Shaggy: Yoiks!

Daffy Duck: Thufferin' thucotash!

Fat Albert: Hey-Hey-Hey!

Tweety Bird: I tot I taw a puddy!

Bill Clinton: I never had sexual relations with that woman. Say, you don't happen to have her phone number do you?

Whoa! How did he get in here? Give me back that magazine, Bill! Go buy your own copy!

There you go folks. You can tell from the reactions of the some of well known male celluloid stars just how shocking the photos in question are. On the other hand, the women of Toonville have refused to comment and would not grant me an interview.

I find it interesting that in this day and age that so many people are offended by nudity. Many celebrities have removed their clothes and bared it all on the silver screen. Why is then that when they pose nude in a magazine, it is considered offensive by their peers?

Hey You Guys!

Marge Simpson has posed for a centerfold in Playboy Magazine!

Hey, here comes her husband, Homer. Let's see what he has to say about his wife's photos that leave so little to the imagination.

Harvey Toon: Homer. Homer Simpson, what do think of these nude pics of your wife?

Homer Simpson: Doh! So round and firm!

Harvey Toon: I can see you like your wife's provocative pose.

Homer Simpson: Mmmm ... Can't you see my mouth watering? I love them in my mouth.

Harvey Toon: Yes, she does have nice boobs.

Homer Simpson: Boobs? I'm talking about the donuts!

Harvey Toon: Doh!


Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, But Blogs Will Never Harm Me

Don't act stupid. That's what politicians are for!

Nobody notices what I do, until I don't do it.

What if I don't WANT to press '1' for English?

I don't need sex.
The government screws
me everyday!

If I agreed with you, then we'd both be wrong.

Alcohol is the answer. I just can't remember the question!

Teamwork means never having to take all the blame.

I don't mind going to work. It's that 8-hour wait to go home that sucks.

I'd Rather Be A Smart Ass Than A Dumb Shit!

Some people say I have a bad attitude. I say, SCREW them!

For my next trick, I will need a condom and a volunteer.

I'd tell you to go HELL, but I work there and I don't want to see you everyday.

Years ago, I stumbled onto the great taste of beer. I've been stumbling ever since.
I'm in my own little world, but it's okay. They know me here.
I try to keep the coffee buzz going until the alcohol buzz kicks in.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

I follow my dreams ... Except the one where I'm naked in church.

A penny for your thoughts - A dollar if you flash me!

Believe it or not, I'm the NORMAL one in my family.


Sunday, November 01, 2009

Sermons On Mount (ing)


A small church down in Texas had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. As a result she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They decided that something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached the organist very discreetly and told her to mash up some green, unripe persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts. The breasts would then shrink temporarily in size, the ladies told her, but they warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk proper for a while'.

The organist agreed to try it, so on Saturday evening she rubbed her ample breasts with mashed persimmons.

On Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said...
“Due to thircumsthanthes bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday.”
-Stolen from Peter.
It's My Job

A famous cardiologist died, and everyone was gathered at his funeral. His coffin was displayed in front of a huge model heart.

When the minister finished his sermon and everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment, one of the mourners started laughing.

The guy next to him asked, "Why are you laughing?"

The mourner said, "Well, I was just thinking about my own funeral."

The man asked, "Well, what's so funny about that?"

And the mourner said, "I'm a gynecologist."


Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television.

The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."

Row, Row Your Boat

The Rotary Club asked a minister to come and talk to them about sex. The minister had never talked about sex before an audience and he was embarrassed, so he told his wife he was going to talk about boating.

A couple days later, a Rotarian bumped into the minister's wife and he said, "Your husband gave a wonderful talk at the Rotary Club."

She said, "You know, I'm really surprised. He's only done it twice. The first time, he got seasick. The second time, his hat blew off."

No Room at the Inn

A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews.

The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."

The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies."

The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion."

The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test.How was Jesus born?"

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem."

"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."

"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"

Economy & the Church

A minister was asked by a politician,"Name something the government can do to help the church."

The minister replied, "Quit making one dollar bills."

Tooting His Horn

A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession:

"Today I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Goodwin came to me and told me that I had the gates to Heaven here between my legs. Then he said that he had the key to Heaven, and he put it in the gates."

"BASTARD!" cried the Mother Superior. "For years he told me it was Gabriel's trumpet and I have been blowing it."

No Shirt, No Service

Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering.

The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head.

The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."

"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.

"Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church!" he insists.