My feelings, beliefs, and/or ideas about just about anything. These may not agree with you, and that is okay. Nothing I say or imply is meant to offend. Allow me to hammer home my points. Satire is my cause and humor is my sword and pen.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Old Man Liver
Because I work with the elderly, the subject of aging comes up often. Such conversations are generally prefaced with "Do you remember.." Unless that which I am asked to recall, occurred before the Korean War, I usually do remember.
Today Mrs. W. shared with me an e-mail she had received from a friend. Her friend's grand daughter had asked her how she felt about being old. The lady was taken aback by the question and decided to give the little girl the answer after she had time to think about it.
I wondered how I would answer that question if it were posed to me. How would you answer?
....I didn't have much time to dwell on it as Mrs. W. began to read her friend's answer to the question. I was impressed by how eloquently the woman had replied. (She gave me a copy and some excerpts follow.)
I know I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, or my loving family for less gray hair, less wrinkles or a better figure. I have become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or not making my bed, or for buying that useless ornament that I didn't need because it was so cute.
....I am entitled to be messy, to be extravagant, to smell the flowers. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon before they understood the great freedom that can come with aging.
....Whose business is it if I choose once in awhile to read ,or play on the computer, or watch TV until 4 am and then sleep until almost noon? I know I am sometimes forgetful. But then again, some of life is just as well forgotten, and I eventually remember the important things.
....Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or watch a child suffer, or a beloved pet get hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is sterile and will never understand being imperfect.
....I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turn white and to have my youthful laughs to be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
....As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself as I used to do. I have even earned the right to be wrong.
....So to answer your question, I like being older. I am not going to live forever, but while i am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. I shall eat dessert every single day (if I want).
....So today I wish you more years of growing older and enjoying life.
I don't know if the woman's granddaughter understood the answer, but I hope a copy of that e-mail is saved and given to her years from now.
....When I got home from work and sat down at the computer, I remembered an e-mail I had received from my brother-in-law awhile back. It too had dealt with a youngster trying to understand the life of elders. It is sure to strike a cord with a lot of readers.
....I took the liberty to add some Maxine toons; she has become the patron saint to those of us who are Baby Boomers and older.
"Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"
...."We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow."
...."C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"
...."It was a place called 'at home,'" I explained. "Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."
....By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis , set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the count ry or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.
....My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).
....We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.
....I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.
....We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine."
....I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
....Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
....Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.
....If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
....Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?
MEMORIES from a friend:
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons.
....Man, I am old. How many do you remember?
....Head lights dimmer switches on the floor. Ignition switches on the dashboard. Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall. Real ice boxes. Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards. Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner. Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you remember (not the ones you were told about) - Ratings at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19 Blue flashbulb
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!
How'd you do? For the record, I scored a perfect 25!
I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life. Don't forget to pass this along!! Especially to all your really OLD friends....
...God grant me...
The senility to forget the people I never liked
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do
And the eyesight to tell the difference.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Elephants Never Forget
What GOOGLE™ gives, GOOGLE™ taketh away!
Hey Blogroll buddies, are you aware that your URLs don't exist? That's what GOOGLE™ was telling me. Who am I to question GOOGLE™?
Let's see, I still cannot add anymore pictures or URLs to my sidebar. Lest I make an "ass of you and me," I will not assume that the problem is being worked on by the Blogger™ Gods. I will take a leap of faith, however, that there are others who are experiencing this same problem.
Eventually, everyone will be using the new Beta Blogger. Presumably all the bugs will be worked out by then. I guess that makes those of who have already taken the plunge, sacrificial lambs!
On the subject of non-existent Blogs: from another computer I tried to visit my site and was promptly "told" that that URL could not be found. It's alarming to say the least, to discover that your hard work was for naught.
I have a theory about what is happening. No, it's not UFOs, Big Foot, or the Loch Ness Monster. It has nothing to do with global warming or holes in the Ozone Layer. No terrorist group is responsible.
We need look no farther than 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. That's right, it starts at the top! Unless you have been on a deserted isle or in a coma, you must be aware that there are many political jobs up for grabs between now and November of 2008. Whether it be the local yokels running for mayorial seats or governorships, or the rich elite with their own agendas vying for the Senate or Congress, the countless political signs and rhetoric will be soon littering and polluting our senses.
It won't be long before Dubya himself is out there touting the virtues of some clone of himself to take his place. Instead of trying to clean up the mess he has made of the world, he'll be out there sweeping it under the rug. While he was concentrating on imaginary WMDs, he paid little attention to the developing nuclear capabilities of Korea and Iran.
Of course, he paid no attention to them largely in part because he could not even pronounce nuclear. As far as he was concerned, the war on terrorism began and will end in Iraq and Afghanistan. We got Sadam, thus Iran is no longer a major problem. He fails to see that one day "another" Sadam will rise to power. He should know, after all we got rid of one Bush only to get stuck with another.
What has all this got to do with the recent GOOGLE™ gliches, you ask? Well, because of the "War on Terror" we are being watched. Our telephone calls, our e-mail, and even our Blogs are being monitored.
I live in constant fear everyday. Surely someday AARP, the BSA, the NAACP, the NFL, or some other powerful group is going to come down hard on me for some of the content of my Blogs. I even shudder that some insignificant organizations like the Secret Service, the FBI or even the CIA may even be reading my Blogs.
So heavy is the traffic caused by their prying eyes, that the servors of the Internet every where are getting over-taxed. Ah, the Republican party is smug, but also desperate. Screw the little fleas out there and their Blogs! Long live The Party!
Have you ever wondered about that sometimes enigmatic grin that curls Dubya's lip? It sort of reminds me of that shit-eating grin on the face of the Mona Lisa. He's looking at us common folks as an elephant would regard a flea on its testicles! Why does an elephant lick its balls?
....Two answers: 1) because he can; and 2) because he can't make a fist!
There's something else an elephant can do, and it's a trait shared by the President and his constituents. Do you want to know the secret of Dubya's sneaky grin? Guys, if you could this, you'd have a grin on your face too!
Are you sure you really want to know?
Are you sure you want to know?
Are you prepared to see what Bush and his Republican pals can do ....
It's not too late. You can stop here now.
How does one keep a smug look on their face?
An elephant never forgets!
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Fitness Protection Program
I think I've been in the Fitness Protection Program far too long. Man, am I ever out of shape! The coffee mug arm curls just aren't getting it done. I'm going to have to reconsider that brisk morning walk from the back porch to my truck. I have a regular regimen of Glad bag hauling, but what good is all that weight lifting doing me?
Oh, I've even tried jogging too. Every morning, I spend at least a half an hour trying to remember my schedule for the day. Sometimes I even increase the reps by trying to recall the previous day. It doesn't even work up a sweat.
Have you ever noticed the similarity between "exercise" and "exorcise?" They have the same amount of letters. They sound the same. Oddly, their definitions are practically the same. One is simply the product of the other. It's true!
Remember that scene from The Exorcist when the priest watched as Linda Blair's head was spinning around on her neck? There was no act of exorcism happening. It was exercism! You see, the priest was in reality her personal trainer. He was coaching her as she performed a head and neck exercise. Several reps of that routine exorcises stiff and sore muscles.
Today I had a new client, an elderly 73-year-old woman, on my schedule. Much to my chagrin, she lived on the third floor of an apartment building with no elevator. (As this is only the year 2006, there was no teleportation system either.) This meant that I had to traverse three flights of stairs. A workout empty-handed to be sure, but lugging a vacuum cleaner, a mop, and a bucket of cleaning supplies, it proved to be a daunting climb.
I have always been a firm believer of moderation. So I stopped at each half flight landing to preserve my energy. When I arrived at her door, I was sweating and panting. No wonder, I had just scaled the Matterhorn!
....And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good. And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."
....And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth."
....And so God created Man in his own image; male and female did He create.
....And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
....And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
....And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
....And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?" And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.
....And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.
....And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
....And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
....And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
....And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
....And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
....And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.
....And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
....And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
....And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.
....And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. ....And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
....And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.
....Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.
....And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another ten pounds.
....And God created the life-giving tofu.
....And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"
....And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did.
....And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor.
So it came to pass that we have reached the state of physical fitness and happiness in which we find ourselves today. You might say it is of Biblical proportions that we have survived at all.
As I hang my cap on the handle of the exercise/exorcise bike and neatly drape my jacket on the handles of the tread mill, I can see that I really should try to get myself in shape. An over-sized mug of coffee is good for a dozen arm curls with the left hand and six glazed donuts should work for the right side.
Monday, August 28, 2006
Truth in Advertising
Let the buyer beware! What you see is what you get. If it tastes like chicken, it's probably fish! The check's in the mail.
"As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it." - Dick Cavett
Let the Blogger beware! Promises were made ....
After I have been touting the virtues of the new Beta Blogger's features, the two I liked the most are not functioning.
....I wanted to add some elements to my sidebar using pictures and URLs, but since Saturday evening these two features have been unavailable.
Cave cibum, valde malus est!
Beware the food, it is very bad! A certain burger chain advertises that it's burgers contain 100% beef. This is true - the beef in them are all beef. The soy by-products are 100% soy too! Ever notice that they no longer say "all beef" patties? They got bagged!
....Now if only someone would bitch-slap them for their food not even remotely resembling the pictures on the menu boards. I knew they had burger flippers, fryalator technicians, and salad washers, but burger squashers too?
Nihil sub sole novum!
There's nothing new under the sun!
Sic friatur crustum dulce!
That's the way the cookie crumbles!
Non gradus anus rodentum!
It's not worth a rat's ass!
Nunc est bibendum!
It's time for a drink!
This Latin lesson has been brought to you by makers of the Big Mac, Beta Blogger, and the nearest cold beer you can find!
Sunday, August 27, 2006
If a Degree Falls In a Forest...
...Does it make a sound?
Okay ... Now that I've graduated to Beta Blogger, what now? This Diploma and a dollar bill won't even get me a cup of coffee.
Well, it does cover the hole in the plaster wall, formed as a result of a not-so-irresistible force, my fist, meeting a very immovable wall; that experiment a by-product of the transition to a new and improved Blogger.
Now I can hold my head high, despite the concussion suffered when making an even larger hole in another spot on the wall. Injured hand and head aside, I have survived the ordeal. Truth be told, the process was actually ... easy!
There were some bumps in the road, but none that weren't easily overcome. I was and am very impressed with the ease of working with the Sidebar now. I used to dread adding new site links and Blogs to my Blogroll. Don't you just hate having to worry about all those misplaced or omitted key board characters? A missing colon, back slash, or quotation mark made adding URLs a chore, all the while my coffee was turning cold.
Look at it this way, if that Mike, Hale, Pointmeister, or what ever persona du jour he's using can do it - so can you!
If you find yourself in a bind, no matter how hopeless it seems, just hang in there! When in doubt - SAVE!
For me, Beta Blogger is sort of like a new toy. You will probably see something different on this site nearly every day for awhile. My previous sidebar was dull and boring, hardly worth more than a glance by visitors. With just a simple click and drag, I can rearrange it at will. I can as easily add images and text anywhere on the sidebar as I can remove them - all without plowing through some cumbersome HTML codes.
However, I have found a desire for the ability to use raw HTML coding, which is currently not available. On this particular template, I don't like some of the fonts used. I didn't find the 'day and date' to my liking. It's too large and takes away from the title of the post, hence I changed the color to a very pale green. The titles of my sidebar elements also are too large and only in lower case letters. These will be changed post-haste when HTML access is available.
I realize this is probably boring to most of you, so I'll just let my layout speak for itself.
Now for something special for a special Blogger friend, Jules, who wants to know "Where's the pictures, and I don't mean cartoons?" I sometimes forget that there is a certain segment of the Blogosphere that relishes juicy adult material. What can be more juicy than this pair?
Did you know that another special Blogger is about to become a radio star? She who impressed us with a wonderful 24-hour stint on the recent Blogathon, she who can bitch with the best of them, is about to hit the air waves. Go knock on Monty's door for the details. (You can see how good of a kisser she is!)
I think Monty Unexpurgated (How's that for a title, Monty?) will be a treat for all listeners. Reckon that now that she's hit the big time, she'll remember from where she came? Will she give out autographs? I wonder if she'll sign my BVDs?
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Not Another Pluto Post?
What's all this fuss about Pluto, anyway? I mean, I could've told you that Pluto is not a planet.
Pluto is a star !!
Wearing white gloves, red shorts and sporting yellow shoes, an anonymous source close to Disney's top dog star said, "I think the whole thing is Goofy."
"Pluto has never been interested in astronomy before, other than maybe an occasional howl at the moon. Hyuk! Hyuk!" said another source.
With Pluto being relegated to the status of a dwarf planet, the Seven Dwarfs have stepped forward in support of Mickey Mouse's pet. Snow White, speaking in behalf of her diminutive team of miners was quoted as saying, "Although we think it's Dopey that Pluto has been downgraded to a dwarf planet, which has made some people Grumpy and others just Sleepy, we are not Bashful in saying we would be Happy if Disney's Pluto would join us as the eighth dwarf." As the dwarfs nodded in approval she finished her press conference by adding, "We think this is just what the Doc ordered and is nothing to get all Sneezy over."
One amateur astronomer on hand claimed that the discovery of the ninth planet, Pluto in 1930, did not happen the way it has been recorded. Clyde W. Tombaugh saw Disney's Pluto before he discovered the distant planet. The cartoon fresh on his mind, he named his discovery after the featured canine, not the other way around. When reminded that the planet was discovered in 1930, one year before Pluto appeared in the cartoon, the man said Mr. Tombaugh must have seen a sneak preview.
The worlds of Astronomy and Entertainment were not the only arenas making news with references to the films of Disney. In Washington, D.C., another classic Disney film came under fire. Claiming "I'm the only king," George W. Bush has called for a ban of the films and the stage play based on the "Lion King."The Man Who Would Be King said, "There can only be one king. This is not a Pluto-cracy." When told the real meaning of a Plutocracy, Dubya replied, "Shh ... Someone might hear you."
"Further more," Dubya added, "I want to pass a bill that would ban Winnie the Pooh from our society." Upon being asked to elaborate he said, "What's wrong with you? I am trying to protect the honor of my valuable staff. It is obvious that the Pooh Bear is an insidious caricature of our Vice President, Dick Cheney."
When one reporter stated that he thought Cheney more closely resembled Elmer Fudd, the President smiled and said, "So do I. That's a compliment. They are both feared hunters." With an ear-to-ear grin he added, "Elmer is the ultimate political character out there. He looks like Cheney and talks like me."
If all those scientific minds had realized the can of worms they were going to open, maybe they would left well enough alone. The fallout from reclassifying Pluto's stature in the Solar System has had far-reaching ramifications.
All I can is:
Keep your pants on before they start messing with Uranus!
Friday, August 25, 2006
Cranston, Rhode Island native Sarah DiMuro, 29, is a virgin and she would very much like to be "Touched For The Very First Time" before she turns 30, preferably by a Red Sox fan.
....So in a quest to lose her virginity, she is asking the editors of Jane magazine to line her up with some action. ((Has she ever heard of a bar or a night club?))
“When I was growing up I was kind of geeky. I had braces and acne and liked to do things like watch old movies and study,” Sarah told the Track. “My parents were my best friends.”
....Sarah went to the posh all-girls Lincoln School in Providence, graduated from all-girls Smith College in Northampton and lives in an all-girls residence in New York City where men aren’t allowed past the so-called “courting parlor.” ((Come on, where there's a will, there's a way!))
....“The rent is incredibly cheap,” said Sarah, a personal assistant at a gourmet baking company who moonlights as a stand-up comedian. ((Still waiting for HBO to come calling? After all, they picked Rosanne Barr once.))
...."I kind of missed the boat,” she said. Sarah didn’t kiss a boy until she was 23 and she won’t discuss her alma mater’s rep for being the kind of school where a gal in her shoes might feel right at home. “What happens at Smith stays at Smith,” she joked.
((Hmm, girls will be girls?))
....Sarah has signed a legal document attesting to her chaste condition and, in return, the Jane gals have vowed to get her deflowered. They’ve posted a video on their Web site asking men - or friends of eligible men - to nominate candidates to help rid Sarah of her virginity. ((By the way, what's wrong with e-Bay, Craigs List or Overstock.com?))
....The applicants will be screened by the Jane staff and each week pictures of three guys will be posted. Then readers will pick one of the three for Sarah to date. Both Sarah and her escort will blog about their adventures and the fun continues until she meets Mr. Right.
....Things haven’t exactly gotten off to a fast start. Sarah’s first date was with a guy named Lucky and, well, she didn’t get Lucky. “We really didn’t have anything in common and I wasn’t attracted to him at all,” she said. ((Am I missing something here? I thought she was looking to get laid! You know, "Wham bam, thank you ma'am."))
So what kind of guy is Sarah looking for? ((Besides a Red Sox fan?))
....“I want what every girl wants,” she said. “Someone who is smart and funny and I’d like him to be educated, because I am. And I would like it if the guy was a Red Sox fan.” ((Let's see if I've got this right: Her first roll in the hay must be with a man who is smart and funny, educated and a Red Sox fan. Curious, that's on my resume'.))
....Sarah said her parents are completely behind her decision to go public with her need for a guy. ((Sure, they want grand children before they die.)) And she looks at the whole search as a way to meet men she otherwise would never encounter. ((Girl, you need to get out more often.))
....“I’m not saying it’s a sure thing, I want to make that clear,” she said. “This is an experiment. It’s fun and already I’m dating more than I ever have.” ((Who's fault is that?))
....Check out the Virgin Chronicles at www.janemag.com/virgin. BTW, Sarah turns 30 Nov. 7 and if nothing changes, in 10 years she’ll be a 40-Year-Old Virgin! ((I see Gayle and Laura can count.))
....((I just noticed that "young, tall dark and handsome" were not mentioned in her criteria! By Jove, I'm still in the running!))
The line forms here, guys! (The links above will take you to a blog that chronicles her dates, and allow you to vote on the men she dates, if you are so inclined.)
Thursday, August 24, 2006
We are all "Sexperts."
If I were to write a book about sex, I'd give it the title "Great Sexpectaions." What would you call your book?
What do I know about sex?
- It has its ups and downs.
- You have to first get clean to get dirty.
- Begging is a form of foreplay.
- You get dressed up just to get undressed.
- Sex is like a business meeting wherein a man makes a stiff proposition and if the woman has an opening, they get something straight between themselves.
- Ten toes up and ten toes down - if that isn't sex, I don't know what is.
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy. - Henry Kissinger
I only like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign. - Mae West
Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast. - Woody Allen
Any woman who thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming about 10 inches too high. - Adrienne E. Gusoff
It's hard to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty. - George Burns
Macho does not prove mucho. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. - Billy Crystal
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. - Joan Rivers
Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. - Fred Allen
I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas? - Jean Kerr
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Seeing What Will Stick
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Change Is Good?
Monday, August 21, 2006
Gone, Baby, Gone
In and around Boston, particularly in Dorchester, some scenes for a new movie have been recently shot.
Those of you familiar with the works of Dennis Lehane will recognize that the title of this Blog shares the name of his recent best seller. Lehane is also the author of Mystic River , which earned an Oscar for actor/director Clint Eastwood.
Whether Ben Affleck's directorial debut can earn him the same honors as Eastwood remains to be seen. Casting his brother Casey, however, as one of two working class detectives who are hired to find a missing child, might be another bad decision on Ben's part. (Can you say Gigli?)
....Casey needs to show a lot more talent than what he exhibited in those PETA commercials. If looking and sounding stupid qualifies one as an actor, then and only then will Casey pull off this role. (Nepotism should be outlawed.)
....I am no film critic, and will not attempt to review a movie that is in only its early stages of development. So enough about the film, already.
This post is about the props which were used in those scenes that have been filmed so far. Some of those props can now be found in my house! That's right, we are the proud owners of some honest-to-goodness movie memorabilia.
....Last weekend my wife spotted a notice on Craigs List. At an ice skating rink, which is closed for the season, they were giving away on a first-come basis, props that had been used in the filming of Gone, Baby, Gone. All you had to do was to show up and haul the stuff away.
....As fast as you can say "I'm of to a skating rink for some free stuff," my wife and daughter were on the road. Sitting in my Lazy Boy watching a baseball game, I was still scratching my head in puzzlement when they had arrived at the scene. The skating rink was in the next town over from our town.
When they had returned with their booty, it took the three of us three trips each to bring it all into the house. I tell you, it was like Christmas as they tore through the bags and boxes to show of their treasures. All the while my wife was bemoaning the fact that she hadn't been on the computer earlier that morning. She claimed that the "Flea Market" people had gotten all the good stuff.
....I laughed as she described the mayhem that was happening at that rink. She said it was just like being in a Filene's Bargain Basement during an 80% off clearance sale. People were literally kicking and gouging one another to get at the many objects up for grabs.
The inventory they brought home included: two bronze table lamps* with matching shades; a large sofa cover; nine windows worth of curtains and drapes; two full-size bed spreads; two comforters which matched a set of the drapes; two sets of sheets and pillow cases still in the packages; a sugar bowl and creamer with matching salt and pepper shakers; two table cloths; two sets of place mats and a matching table runner; and quite a few more items that I cannot remember at the moment.
I don't know when the movie is scheduled for release, but I doubt that we'll be seeing it in the theater. However, I will rent the DVD a few months later. It will be interesting and kind of cool to watch the movie and try to spot our lamps, sofa cover, and curtain and drapes that will be present in our living room.
....Who knows? Maybe some of this stuff will be worth something someday. Of course, that will depend on the success of the movie both at the box office and in the opinions of the critics. Oscar consideration would be nice, wouldn't it?
Hey Ben! Replace Casey!
* (By the way, both of the lamps had broken switches. I replaced them with new three-way switches. Hmm, I wonder if they were working and used in the movie?)
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Like Two Peas In An iPod
My brand new iPod was stolen! Can you believe it?
It took me forever to download some classic super hits. Now they are lost! There were other classics on there besides those shown in the image. There were: "Does Your Chewing Gum Lose It's Flavor"; "Mule Skinner Blues"; "Purple People Eater"; "Wolverton Mountain"; "Yummy,Yummy, Yummy"; "The Jolly Green Giant"; "Beep Beep"; and 22 others. I'll have to start over when I get a new iPod.
Of course that means I will have to find some other means to entertain myself in the meantime. I was going to read my e-mail, but by the time I had eliminated the spam there was no mail to read.
Then I remembered the new Director's Cut DVD of "The Toy Story." It is complete with deleted scenes that included another toy character. This character was left on the editing room floor when it was decided to make this movie a children's film. Trust me, this character steals the show.
....Imagine the look on your kids' eyes if they would have found a Dilly-Doe action figure in their Happy Meals!
After watching the movie, I found myself in need of something else to provide me with some entertainment. I quickly dismissed the book of Sudoku puzzles, as I find them them as boring as Word Searches. I suppose I could have cuddled with a good book like War and Peace, Ulysses, or The Unabridged Webster's Dictionary of the English Language , but I wanted something that would kill more than an hour.
Ah yes. I had just received my first issue of Flyboy. Finally there is an adult magazine that mixes skin and Sci-Fi. It is done with taste.
What kind of man reads Flyboy? While there are some stunning pictorials, I'm the kind of man who actually reads the articles. (Really, it's true!) The centerfold of Princess Leia gives us a side of Luke Skywalker's sister that we never saw in the Star Wars™ trilogy. As I was reading the excellent stories, I was stunned by how she was wearing the hair on another part of her body.
...."Wookie Nookie" was a great article about Chewbacca on the subject of his species' mating rituals. The clothing she was wearing in the films gave no justice to Leia's body! When I finish reading all the articles, I just might go back and check out the pictures later.
What else could I do to entertain myself?
I suppose I could sit down and post a Blog for Sunday, 8/20/06. I wonder if I can think of something to write?
Saturday, August 19, 2006
No Blog Is An Island
You can start your own message if you don't wish to add to an existing one. It may take a while before a bottle washes up on the beach. The site explains it as the "tidal conditions" of the Internet. I found it easier to leave the site open in the background and check it periodically. Sure enough, a bottle will be there waiting.
You can also "send" a message in a bottle to friends and family through your e-mail. The recipient's mail will include a hyper-link that will connect them to their own personal message.
A word of caution: This site can become addictive. (Just ask my wife and daughter, both of whom are hooked.)
The Wet Suit
A guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."
....Then, out of the surf comes a gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
...."Ten years!", he says.
....She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
....Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
....He replies, "Ten years!"
....She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
....He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
....Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she asks him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"
....And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"
Boy on a Desert Island
A boy is marooned on a desert island, and survives for another 10 or 15 years, when one day a young woman shows up, also apparently marooned. She asks him, "So, what do you do around here?" He replies something like, "Oh, pick coconuts, do a little fishing, and dig for clams." She asks, "What about sex?" Since he was marooned as a little boy, he has no idea. "Sex? What's that?" So she proceeds to demonstrate. "So, what do you think?" she queries. "Well, it felt real good, but look what you did to my clamdigger!"
There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island. There were only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women. After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.
....It was very tragic, but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course. Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing.
...........they buried her.
Friday, August 18, 2006
Today, I have handed over the reins of this Blog to a special guest for an exclusive press conference.
Sometimes it doesn't take much, whether it be rumor, an overheard conversation, or in this case a line in a Blog, for a story to take on a life of its own. When an innocent statement threatens to or debunks scientific and proven fact, someone has to step forth to preserve the integrity of knowledge.
Hello. My name is Leonard Lemming. I have been charged by my fellow Lemmings to defend our honor. I assure you that my brethern are behind me one hundred percent. I speak for my people.
Let me begin by stating that Lemmings everywhere hold no ill feelings for the unfortunate Blogger whose statement has fueled this maelstrom of controversy. Miss Monty was simply reacting to a program that had aired recently on that PETA-supported cable channel, The Animal Planet.
While I applaud the The Animal Planet's efforts over the years to educate you humans about life in the animal world, they do on occasion take certain liberties when it comes to the facts. I realize however, that the sometimes misguided and often wrong, activist group, PETA, pumps a lot a money into their causes du jour.
Lemmings are a proud species. Our species has survived for eons on our own merits and have done so without interference from our human neighbors on this planet. Yet, some of you have taken it upon yourselves to question our time-honored rituals.
Before I address our rituals, please permit me to call in question mankind's rituals that we cannot understand. Shall I begin with your propensity to wage war? Not only do humans kill off each other by the hundreds and thousands, but you have even made bombs that can annihilate entire cities.
....What's up with you humans who drink alcohol and then get behind the wheel of your vehicles? Why do you watch "reality" TV programs? Why do you continually put morons and assholes into office? Why do you blog?
Some of you run with the bulls in Pamplona, Spain. Some of you take part in diving competitions from the cliffs in Acapulco. You even have places you call "Lover's Leaps." I ask you, does this make sense?
You have the audacity to question our rituals? We were proud that Disney made that film years ago about our sport. Of course, they missed the point altogether, calling it a strange and tragic behavior. We are not the dumb animals that the film suggested.
....We invented cliff diving! Unfortunately, we do make mistakes sometimes. After all, we're only mammalian. Some Lemming is supposed to check the tides on the day of our events. You don't honestly think that we choose to dive onto rocks, do you? This is not unlike when one of your kind dives into an empty swimming pool.
We are no more suicidal than that fool who splattered on the concrete in that empty pool. If the Animal Planet producers had been paying attention more closely, they would have seen that our cliff diving competitions are very organized and choreographed. They failed to take into consideration that in the animal world, the rule of thumb is "the survival of the fittest." As such, our elderly, the sickly, and those who supported George W. Bush among us, always lead the event. They are the first to launch themselves from the cliffs. If they perchance do not survive, their bodies serve as padding to cushion the fall of those who follow.
Suicidal? Nothing could be farther from the truth. There is a method to what you might call our madness. You see, if humans thought that it were not true that we dive from cliffs, then we would be considered nothing but cute little rodents. What do humans do with cute little animals? They take them into captivity and sell them as pets!
....Believe me, we do not want to become pets! That is why I have agreed to address you in this decorum. As long as you humans are kept apprised of those facts, our species will not have to worry about being subjected to slavery.
Yes Monty, there are cliff diving Lemmings.
I wish to thank this Blogger for allowing me to get my message out there to his readers. I also would like to extend my gratitude to each and everyone of you for giving me audience.
Thank you, Leonard Lemming for that inspirational post. I'm sure that it will go a long way in educating my fellow humans about the Lemmings species.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Screwing Up The Oldies
Due in no small part to the success of the One Hit Wonders concert on August the 1st at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Pointmeister Records™ has put together a new collection of celebrity recordings.
Warning: These songs are not for fans of good music. Mono-syllabic voices may cause headaches. Nose-bleed may occur if someone throws this disc and strikes you with it. Not intended for use as a Frisbee™. Do not use as a trivet, as hot pots and pans may cause it to warp, further distorting the music. Playing this record at a party may cause mass exodus of Rap fans.
CELEBRITY DUMB DUETS: SCREWING UP THE OLDIES© is currently only available in the nostalgic 78 RPM format. (Pointmeister Records™ might be a fly-by-night outfit, but we aren't about to get stuck with a bunch of expensive CDs that nobody will buy.)
Trust us, this is music that you can really sink your teeth into. (Caution should be exercised as these records will break.) Your favorite and not so-favorite celebrities have agreed under protest to team up for this compilation of some of the most beloved hits of all times. (Well, they used to be.)
You'll hear Barbara Walters and Elmer Fudd harmonizing to the beautiful lyrics of "Bwidge Ovah Twoubled Watahs." (Jumping off a bridge just might get this song out of your head.)
Tears will come to your eyes when you hear "You Don't Bring Me Flowers Anymore" as the duet of Fran Drescher and Fozzie Bear sing their hearts out. (...Before you have a chance to rip them out.)
James Earl Jones teams up with Rosanne Barr for a stirring rendition of Meat Loaf's "Paradise By The Dashboard Lights."
(You can almost feel the goosebumps as they reach that cresendo at the song's end.)
You will want to tap your feet and snap your fingers as Arnold Schwarzeneggar and Edith Bunker team up for a rousing version of "Don't Go Breaking My Heart." (You might want to break a few things too, including this record.)
The Righteous Brothers who? You might not ask that question, but you'll certainly have a few others when you hear Arnold Horshak and Archie Bunker belt out the ultimate break-up song, "You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling." (Your significant other might be thinking break-up if you play this song too often.)
Remember our President who liked to turn over a page? Well pass out the cigars, Bill Clinton is reunited with America's favorite
The unlikely duo of Henry Kissinger and Charo will surprise you. (What were they smoking?) You'll never again hear "Islands In The Stream" sound like this. (Thank goodness.)
Two of America's favorite pigs, Miss Piggy and Teddy Kennedy will take us "Up Where We belong." (To the Mental Institution?)
Also included: "I've Had The Time Of My Life" - Cliff Clavin & Zsa Zsa Gabor / "Ain't Nothing Like The Real Thing" - Danny DeVito & Big Bird / "Tonight I Celebrate My Love For You" - Larry the Cable Guy & Martha Stewart / "Summer Nights" - George Forman & sons George, George, George,George and George.
You won't believe what you're hearing when you place this record on your record player and listen to these twelve hits. (We didn't, and neither will your neighbors.)Why Buy This Record? You're sure to be the only person on your block to own a copy. It will make an excellent gift if you are tired of giving out Chia Pets™. It makes an excellent target for skeet shooting. If you're mad at someone, throwing this record at them is sure to cause injury. Playing this record at a party may cause mass exodus of Rap fans.
Priced at $199.95, plus an exorbiant S&H charge, this one of a kind collection is a steal at any price. For an additional $29.95 we will include our state-of-the-art ear plugs. Send no money now. Simply provide us with the account number of a major credit card, your Social Security number and your checking account number, and we will bill you when you least expect it.
The previous commercial's claims do not necessarily reflect the views of this Blog or any of its readers. (If it has any readers left.)