Thursday, July 30, 2009

Thursday Pooh

"Reprinted from "Contrary by Popular Belief" by Joey Green (Broadway Books), with permission. Copyright 2005 by Joey Green. For a copy of the book, go to this Amazon link.

"Let us begin by committing ourselves to the truth; to see it like it is and tell it like it is; to find the truth, to speak the truth, and to live the truth." -Richard M. Nixon*

*Nomination acceptance speech at the Republican Convention, August 8, 1968

Last week I introduced this feature, the emphasis of which will be to explore the untruths of history and science. In the first installment you learned that George Washington was not the first President of the United States of America. You also were informed that the song "As Time Goes By" was not written for the film Casablanca .

So sit back and scroll down to find out just what else you've been taught in school that was an out and out lie!

Ah, the sandwich - That culinary delight that has been served to us for most of our lives !

{ The Earl of Sandwich did not invent the sandwich. }

History's first recorded sandwich is the Hillel sandwich, invented by Rabbi Hillel sometime between 70 B.C.E and 10 C.E. His sandwich, was eaten during Passover seders. It consisted of charosets, which was a combination of fruits, nuts, honey, and bitter herbs between two pieces of unleavened bread called matzah.

As early as the Middle Ages, Arabs have eaten meat stuffed inside a pocket of pita bread. Medieval Eurpoean peasants ate bread and cheese lunches in the fields.

John Montagu, the fourth Earl of Sandwich (1718-1792), did eat sliced meats and cheeses between two pieces of bread so that he could keep one hand free while playing cards at the gambling table. This gave the sandwich its name, but not its origin.

{ Leap Year does not occur every four years! }

February 29 is added to the calendar year only when the number of the year is divisible by 4. This is the normal rule of thumb, except in centenary years not divisible by 400.

For instance, the year 2000 was a leap year, but the year 2100, while divisible by 4, will not be a leap year because it is not divisible by 400.

{ The Black Hills of South Dakota are not hills. }

( Pictured: Mt. Rushmore is located in the Black Hills. )

Hills rise less than 1,000 feet from the surrounding area, while mountains rise above that height. The Black Hills rise from 2,000 to 4,000 feet. Several peaks exceed 6,000 feet. The highest hill, Harney Peak, reaches 7,242 feet, which is higher than any peak in both the Appalachian and Ozark mountains.

The Sioux Indians named the mountains Paha Sapa ("hills of black") because from the plains, the pine trees covering the mountains appear black. Of course, the Sioux had no idea that geologists strictly distinguished between hills and mountains.

{ The Battle of Waterloo was not fought at Waterloo. }

In June 1815, Britain's Duke of Wellington led troops into battle against Napoleon Bonaparte and his troops in a small valley four miles south of Waterloo in Belgium. The battle took place between the villages of Plancenoit and Mont St. Jean.

The battle became known as Waterloo because Wellington slept in Waterloo the night before, and also because that after the battle he returned to Waterloo to write home with the news of the victory.

{ "Judy, Judy, Judy!" }

Cary Grant never said these words in any movie. In the 1939 film Only Angels Have Wings, he says, "Hello, Judy," "Come on, Judy," and "Now, Judy," but he never says "Judy, Judy, Judy." In the 1938 movie Bringing Up Baby, he does say, "Susan, Susan, Susan."

There you have it, that's just five examples of the POOH that has been shoveled upon us through the years. Come back next Thursday for some more jaw-dropping facts calculated to boggle your mind and to dispel the POOH that may have had you misinformed for all of these years.

(The above POOH was "borrowed" from the Random House publication "Contrary to Popular Belief" by Joey Green.)


Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Kids and Sex

Sex Codes

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

Little Johnny is in Love

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day,she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With YOU!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"

How Do You Decide Who To Marry (According to Kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kirsten, age 10

What is the Right Age To Get Married?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6

How Can A Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8

What Do Your Think Your Mom and Dad Have In Common?

Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8

What Do Most People Do On A Date?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10

What Would You Do On A First Date That Was Turning Sour?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
- Craig, age 9

When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?

When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them & have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8

Is It Better To Be Single or Married?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9

How Would The World Be Different If People Didn't Get Married?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8

How Would You Make a Marriage Work?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.

- Ricky, age 10

Kids' Homework

Why parents should always check their children's homework before they hand it in:

(See the picture above. :-))

A first grade girl handed in the drawing, enclosed here, for a homework assignment.

After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:

Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be very clear on my child's illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This photo is of me selling a shovel.

Mrs. Harrington


Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Canary Fights

Canary Fighting Raid

CNN) -- Police seized approximately 150 birds and arrested 19 people in a Connecticut home Sunday in an investigation of alleged finch and canary fighting, the Shelton Police Department said. Police seized cash, canaries, finches and bird cages from a home in Shelton, Connecticut.

In addition to the 150 birds -- mainly saffron finches -- police seized their cages and $8,000 in cash from a home in Shelton, said police Sgt. Robert Kozlowsky.

The 19 people, all originally from Brazil, are being charged with animal cruelty and illegal gambling, Kozlowsky said. The homeowner, Jurames Goulart, 42, was additionally charged with interfering with officers.

Shelton Police say they've never seen or heard of this kind of bird fighting before.

"This is new to us," Kozlowsky told CNN. "Finches are much easier to keep under the radar than roosters because they make less noise and they wouldn't arouse suspicions if someone had a lot of them."

Kozlowsky said police obtained a search warrant after a monthlong investigation and raided the home after receiving tips that an illegal fight was scheduled to take place.

Wayne Kasacek of the Connecticut Department of Agriculture, which helped remove the birds, said that at least four of the finches have eye injuries.

Saffron finches are canary-size birds native to South America.


In the photograph at the right, Charles Atlas Canary, III, can be seen with disheveled tail feathers and wearing a cast on his broken leg. The injuries were the result of a recent steel cage fight which was televised as a pay-for-view event in Brazil.

When asked of his injuries, Charles claimed that they were minor injuries. Said Charlie, "Mere flesh wounds."

One reported asked, "How was it you were injured?"

"It was freak accident - I slipped. My f**king opponent was afraid of me and shit himself right in the ring. I stepped right in his guano pile and fell ass over teakettle," Charlie snapped. "I don't know what the dude had for dinner before our bout, but it must've gone right through him!"

Pressed by reporters as to why he would allow himself to be forced into such a violent and brutal sport as bird fighting, the fighting canary took umbrage at their questions and smashed one photographer's equipment.

"Hey!" shouted the yellow bird, "We're not forced into fighting. It's a job and a well paying job too!"

"Is it because of the state of the economy," asked another reporter, "that you choose to fight."

"Hellllll-o! Do you know how expensive canary seeds and sesame seeds are nowadays? Look, I've got six unhatched nestlings at home and another half dozen one-year-olds still living at home mooching off of me and the old lady. Seven of them want to take singing lessons. I don't suppose you know how much singing coaches get per hour, do you?"

Talking With the Champ

In a separate interview at his Hollywood mansion, Tweety Bird the reigning World Champion canary fighter and former Warner Brothers star, expressed disdain for the recent police raids.

"It was disgusting to see the powice carry off my fwiends in their cages. I tot I taw powice bwutality!" he charged. Viewing a video taping of the raid he added, "I did! I did taw powice bwutality."

Standing next to his best-selling poster and championship trophies, the undefeated (53-0) bird said, "Wook, fighting other canaries and finches can be the only way for us birds to get ahead and to get out of the ghetto pet shops."

When asked why he no longer toured the canary fighting circuits, he replied, "I've been wucky. I got a contwact to fight in exhibition matches. I fight puddy tats now. It's a wucwative deal that pays a wot. ...And I wuv to make the puddy tats fall down and go BOOM!"

Sylvester Speaks Up

Tracked down in a Hollywood back lot alley scrummaging through trash cans for something to eat, Sylvester the Cat was hesitant to discuss long time nemesis Tweety Bird.

"To quote my friend Daffy Duck, Thufferin' Thucotash! I think that muscle bound bird is on f**king steroids! Look at how big his head is in relation to the rest of his body. I'll bet he has shrunken testicles too! And I think that old bitch Granny is his supplier!"

He looked around to make sure no one was eavesdropping, especially Tweety, and said, "I for one, think the cops are doing the right thing. It's barbaric for birds to be fighting. I say all those birds should be let loose. Open their cages and let them fly free."

Asked a reporter, "Wouldn't that make all those birds flying around easy prey for you and your feline friends?"

"Sure. Sure it would. We cats have to eat, don't we? We have families to feed too! I figure I can eat enough of them feathered feasts to gain my strength again. With a full belly I'll find that asshole Tweety and kick his yellow ass all over these back alleys."

When informed that Tweety was seen walking in his direction Sylvester began to tremble. He told us the interview was over. He had something else to do. He tripped over the trash barrel and scrambled to his feet.

He took off running when he heard the tiny voice, "I tot I taw a puddy tat. I did! I did taw a puddy tat! He gonna fall down and go BOOM!"


Sunday, July 26, 2009

Corn In My Stool

In growing numbers we Baby Boomers are becoming today's senior citizens. Tapped from my archives of four years ago, I thought it was time to revisit the idea that the songs we grew up with should be aging with us. They say our music is the soundtrack of our lives.

With that thought in mind I came up with some possible changes to our beloved recordings they now call "Golden Oldies." Our music should grow old with us and reflect that aging.

Feel free to sing along.

Herman's Hermits -- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
The Bee Gees -- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?
Bobby Darin -- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Hot Flash
Ringo Starr -- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends
Roberta Flack -- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash -- I Can't See Clearly Now
Paul Simon -- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores -- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
Marvin Gaye -- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts
Procol Harem -- A Whiter Shade of Hair

Leo Sayer -- You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations -- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
Abba -- Denture Queen
Tony Orlando -- Knock 3 Times on the Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
Helen Reddy -- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore -- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To
Willie Nelson -- On the Commode Again
James Brown - Papas Got a Brand New Colostomy Bag
The Supremes - Falling In and Out of Bed
Shangri-las - Walkers in the Sand

Leslie Gore - It's My Potty (and I'll Try If I Want To)
David Houston - Almost Constipated
Dave Clark 5 - Catscan Us If You Can
Bob Dylan - Like A Kidney Stone
Supremes - Nothing But Heartburn

Lenny Welch - Since I Fell On You
Amboy Dukes - Gerney To the Center of the Ward
O.C. Smith- Little Green Tablets
The Tokens - The Loins Seep Tonight
Ray Charles - Take These IVs From My Arm

Tommy James - Moaning, Moaning
Glen Campbell - By The Time I Get To Pee
Hermans Hermits - There's a Kind of Mush (All Over My Shirt)
BJ Thomas - Slipped on a Peeling
Neil Sedaka - Breaking Up Pills Is Hard To Do

Lonnie Donegan - Do Your Dentures Lose Their Flavor In the Cup Overnight?
Rolf Harris - Tie Me Johnnie Strings Down Sport
Bing Crosby - (I'm Dreaming of a) Dry Mattress
Del Shannon - What Kind of Stool (Is in the Bed Pan?)
Freddie Cannon - Where the Traction Is

For your pleasure and a chance to sing along, here is one more with the complete lyrics:

Corn In My Stool
(To the tune of Born To Be Wild by Steppenwolf)

Get your bowels a movin'
Head on out to the bathroom,
Lookin' for some relief
And whatever comes out soon.
Yeah, darlin' go make it happen
Take the tissue in a love embrace
Fire all your guns at once
And explode all over the place.
It's like smoke and lightning
Heavy fartin' thunder
Tryin' to stay upwind
From that feelin' down under.
Yeah, darlin' go make it happen
Take the tissue in a love embrace
Fire all your guns at once
And explode all over the place.
Like prune juice was mild
Yes, there's corn, corn in my stool
We can crap so high
And wish we could die.
Corn in my stool
Corn in my stool.

This post is with the sincerest apologies to ASCAP and anyone who wasted their time reading this post. (Schlep Schlidin' Away)


Saturday, July 25, 2009

Oreo Pschology

This is something I've been sitting on for a while for one of those days when the old noggin can't seem to come up with any post ideas. Today is one of those days!

Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos.

1. The whole thing all at once.

2. One bite at a time.

3. Slow and methodical nibbles, examining the results of each bite afterwards.

4. In little feverish nibbles.

5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee, etc.).

6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.

10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreos.

Your Personality:
1. The whole thing
This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree, with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children.
2. One bite at a time.
You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's okay, not to worry, you're normal.
3. Slow and Methodical.
You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with everything you do to the point of being anal-retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going the speed limit.
4. Feverish Nibbles.
Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.
5. Dunked.
Every one likes you because you are always upbeat. You like to sugarcoat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity toward narcotic addiction.
6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie.
You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie.
You are good at business and take risks that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's okay, you don't care, you got yours.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
You enjoy pain.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them
Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help -- immediately.
10. I don't have a favorite way; I don't like Oreo cookies.
You probably come from a rich family and like to wear nice things and go to upscale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prima donna. There's just no pleasing you.

№ 1747

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Writing About a Bunch of Pooh

Most people would be surprised just how much of our written history is nothing but a bunch of ... well ... POOH!

Also, there are a lot of so-called scientific facts that we have accepted over the years that are also a bunch of ... POOH!

I have decided to devote a few of the upcoming Thursdays to uncovering and debunking some of the history we have been taught.

I'll also set the record straight on some of those scientific faux pas' we've been spoon-fed over the years.

So be careful where you step and you may want to get some nose plugs because some of these are gonna be real stinkers!

George Washington Was Not the First U.S. President

The United States was established on July 4, 1776. George Washington was inaugurated president thirteen years later, on April 30, 1789. During the intervening years, the Second Continental Congress in Philadelphia drew up the Articles of Confederation (the first American constitution). In 1781, Maryland representative John Hanson was elected the first president of the Congress of the Confederation. His official title was "president of the United States in Congress Assembled."

After Hanson, seven other men served as president: Elias Boudinot, Thomas Mifflin, Richard Henry Lee, John Hancock, Nathaniel Gorham, Arthur St. CLair, and Cyrus Griffin. In 1787, Congress held a constitutional convention. The delegates wrote the current constitution, ratified by the states in 1788.

The following year, the ratifying states elected George Washington our nation's ninth president. He has been considered our first president ever since - under the technicality that he was the first under the new Constitution.

"As Time Goes By" Was Not Written for Casablanca

"As Time Goes By" (music by Herman Hupfeld, lyrics by Irving Kahal) was originally sung in the 1931 Broadway stage show Everybody's Welcome, and Rudy Vallee recorded the song later that year.

Casablanca premiered eleven years later in 1942. The popularity of the movie prompted RCA to re-release the Rudy Vallee recording.

There you have it, that's just two examples of the POOH that has been shoveled upon us through the years. Come back next Thursday for some more jaw-dropping facts calculated to boggle your mind and to dispel the POOH that may have had you misinformed for all of these years.

(The above POOH was "borrowed" from the Random House publication "Contrary to Popular Belief" by Joey Green.)


Wednesday, July 22, 2009

We Were There


Walter Leland Cronkite, Jr.
(November 4, 1916 – July 17, 2009)

was an American broadcast journalist, best known as anchorman for the CBS Evening News for 19 years (1962–81). During the heyday of CBS News in the 1960s and 1970s, he was often cited in viewer opinion polls as "the most trusted man in America" because of his professional experience and kindly demeanor. Although he reported many events from 1937-1981, including bombing in World War II, the Nuremberg trials, combat in the Vietnam War, the death of JFK, Watergate, and the Iran Hostage Crisis, he was known for extensive TV coverage of the U.S. space program, from Project Mercury to the Moon landings (with co-host Wally Shirra), to the Space Shuttle. He was the only non-NASA recipient of a Moon-rock award. Also, the Beatles' first American TV broadcast was with Walter Cronkite.

I, like millions of Americans, was gathered with my family and was riveted to my home TV set when Cronkite gave his tear-laden report that President John F. Kennedy had died. It was one of those moments in our lives that we remember where we were, who we were with, and what we were doing when we first learned that JFK had been assassinated.

I was in my tenth grade World History Class when senior Eddie Owens barged in on Mr. Ryan's lesson with the horrible news. Our teacher closed up his book, walked out of the classroom and never returned for the rest of the session leaving a room full of students to try to fathom what we had just heard.

The whole world watched and listened when Cronkite informed us that the Eagle had landed in the Sea of Tranquility on the moon. His commentary was the backdrop as Neil Armstrong made his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" quote.

I gained the utmost for respect for Walter Cronkite a few years ago. He was being paid to speak up against the proposed construction of a Wind Mill Farm in the New England waters off the island of Nantucket. While these wind mills would have been visible as tiny objects on the horizon, the wealthy residents there, included Senator Edward Kennedy, were afraid their sea side views would be ruined. Of course they argued with contrived stories of the damage and harm the structures would have upon the rich sea life in those waters. With Cronkite as their advocate and speaking in their behalf, the idea of these instruments of alternate energy suffered a big setback.

Shortly after these public service ads began, Cronkite walked away from the contract. He later admitted that he'd known nothing about the negative or positive benefits of wind mill power. He said he hadn't done on his homework on the subject and agreed to do the public service ads against their construction.

He realized he'd been wrong. Not only only would the Wind Mill Farm be beneficial as alternative sources of of power, but they would also cut down on the use of fossil fuels. He paid for his own ads to say he'd been wrong and that he supported their construction. For the common New Englander he solidified his claim to the sobriquet "The most trusted man in America."

I have fonder memories of Cronkite because of a TV series which ran from 1953 to 1957, You Are There. The series was a wonderful retelling of the famous events in history that we were learning in our school classrooms. One week we might have watched Christopher Columbus discover America, or the trial of Joan of Arc, the signing of the Constitution, or Custer's Last Stand.

Cronkite from his CBS desk in New York would give a description of what was about to happen and the an announcer would give the date and the event followed a bold "You Are There." Cronkite would then return to describe the event and its characters more in detail, before throwing it to the event, saying, "All things are as they were then, except... You Are There."

At the end of the program, after Cronkite summarizes what happened in the preceding event, he reminded viewers, "What sort of day was it? A day like all days, filled with those events that alter and illuminate our times... and you were there."

Before he retired America tuned in to his news reports. When he was on the air ... "We Were There."


Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Toilet Humor

During my stay in in the hospital recently and also in my current convalescence at home, I have been taking two prescribed pills which have a direct impact on my use of the facilities.

The iron pills designed to build up my blood count and anemia, also tend to cause some constipation. The water pills, a diuretic, forces my kidneys to drain the excess body water that had built up in me as edema.

One is keeping me away from the toilet and the other causing me to wear a path in the carpeting with my frequent dashes to the john!

You might say I've been MOVED to use toilet humor as a theme for this post today.

No Toilet Paper

Two men are occupying booths in a public toilet, when one calls to the other, "There is no toilet paper over here, do you have any over there?"

The second man replies, "No, sorry, I don't seem to have any, either."

The first man then asks, "Well, do you have a magazine or newspaper?"

The second man says, "No, sorry!"

The first man goes silent for a few moments, then inquires, "Do you have change for a twenty?"

Some Random Toilet Quality Graffiti

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
* Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
* Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

Beauty is only a light switch away.
* Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
* Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
* Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.

God made pot. Man made beer. Whom do you trust?
* The Irish Times, Washington, DC

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
* The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her.
* Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
* Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!
* Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.

God is dead. -Nietzsche; Nietzsche is dead. -God
* The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, DC

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
* Revolution Books. New York, New York

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
* Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.


These three women were sitting around one night talking about their boyfriends when they decided they would give their men nicknames based on kinds of soda.

The first woman said: "I'm gonna call Tom 'Mountain Dew' because he is as strong as a mountain and always wants to do it!"

The second woman said: "I'm gonna call Bruce '7-Up' because he has seven inches and it is always up!"

The third woman said: "I'm gonna call my man 'Jack Daniels'.

The other two women responded: "'Jack Daniels'? But that's a hard liquor."

The third woman replied: "THAT'S MY LEROY!"

Flush-able Thoughts
  1. What two words will clear out a men's restroom? Nice Dick!
  2. Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
  3. Excuses are like asses everyone's got em and they all stink.
  4. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
  5. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a
    peeing section in a swimming pool?
  6. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea.. does that mean that
    one enjoys it?
  7. Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
  8. Why is pea soup more special than mashed potatoes?
    Because anyone can mash potatoes.
  9. What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
    A sex-change operation
  10. How do men sort their laundry?
    "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"
  11. Why is a man's pee yellow and their sperm is white?
    So they can tell if their Coming or Going.

Makes Scents To me

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish downtown Toronto building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Channel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says...Broccoli 49 cents a pound."

Strict Nursing Home

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" They ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart.

The Elevator Ride

An elderly man is in an elevator, returning home from a shopping errand. Unable to control himself, he breaks wind! Frantic that someone might get on the elevator before he reaches his floor, and that they will know he was the perpetrator of the unpleasant odor, he pulled out a can of pine-scented air freshener. He hastily fumigated the car, and not a moment too soon.

Another man enters the elevator and pushes his floor button. "There sure is a funny smell in this elevator," he says to the man.

"I'll say," the other man answers, "It smells like someone took a crap in a pine tree."

Cutting To The Chase

A woman, the wife of the man in the elevator, was sitting at a table in a posh restaurant with three friends. With the waiter standing nearby, the ladies were about to place their orders. To her horror, she uncontrollably passed wind. Fortunately it was of the silent variety.

Not wanting to be embarrassed should anyone suspect her of the act, she had a brilliant idea. To the waiting man she snapped, "Waiter, stop that!"

To which the waiter replied without flinching, "Certainly, madam. Which way did it go?"


Sunday, July 19, 2009

More Betterer

Forgive the grammatical faux pas of the title I assigned to this post, but it reflects how I feel. With each passing day I am feeling more and more betterer!

The supper last evening was a foray in gastronomical hell. My wife and I found that a meal without salt is awful - especially since we were both used to using salt freely on and in our foods.

Jean had decided to go on the salt-free diet herself knowing that someday she too might be forced into it. At the supper table she said to me, "If this meal is any indication of what it's going to be like - you're on your own, kid!"

I knew she didn't want to be put in the position to prepare two separate meals, one for herself and one for me. However, she had just about set her mind to that possibility.

On Saturday my daughter Gretchen accompanied me on a shopping expedition. Our first stop was at a drug store specializing in health products and aids. There I purchased a couple of men's hand-held urinals, a bathroom scale, a prescription pill sorter, and a package of protective inserts.
The water pills, especially within the first three or four hours of being taken, force "uncontrollable" urination. The urinals will help prevent accidents while trying to get to the nearest bathroom at home. The inserts are for those times when I am unable to get to a bathroom. Carrying around one of those urinals and putting them to use in public would not be kosher. Also they are designed to absorb and to prevent those embarrassing tattle-tale wet spots on the front of one's pants.
From the drugstore we went to the supermarket. I won't need to tell you readers just how many of the products we consume contain sodium. All one need do is to read the packaging for the nutritional values and ingredients. It's actually quite alarming how much sodium can be found in even the most common products, even those considered staples.

The first thing on my list was "salt alternatives," and I grabbed a containers of "Nu Salt" and "No Salt." God bless the inventors of salt substitutes that actually taste like salt!

Other items that met the criteria of the diet on which I'd been placed were greedily tossed into the shopping cart. These items included "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter," low sodium cheddar cheese, Egg beaters, 2% milk, a loaf of 100% Wheat bread, a jar of both sliced pears and peaches in their juices, bananas, some Mt. Ranier cherries, fresh strawberries, a bunch of red seedless grapes, etc.

Sunday morning breakfast consisted of Egg Beaters with two slices of the cheese made into an omelet, 2 slices of wheat bread topped with the butter substitute a cup of diced strawberries with a sprinkling of sugar and a 1/4 cup of 2% milk. It was washed down with bottled water followed by a cup of coffee.
To be perfectly honest - it was a delicious and satisfying breakfast.
This time around our supper was gastronomical heaven! The salt substitutes made all of the difference in the world. The meatloaf (made with lean beef of course), the mashed potatoes, fresh green beans and the gravy all tasted great! A cup of sliced peaches rounded off the meal quite nicely.

My wife retracted her comment of the previous evening and said, "I can get used to this."

I winked and replied, "Me too!"
You know, I think I'm going to do okay with the new diet and changes in our lifestyles.
I'm happy to report that the edema is continuing to improve and to recede within my body. Also the mysterious rash has all but disappeared altogether except in the left arm where it had first appeared. It's appearance is lighter in color and looks as if it will also diminish. I am still experiencing some dry and flaking skin, but the prescribed cream keeps it in check.

I am most happy with the steady loss of weight which the edema had elevated to frightening levels. Two weeks ago, I reported to the hospital at 214 pounds! Last week while admitted the weight had slipped down to 208 pounds. Yesterday evening, using the bathroom scale I'd purchased, I was greeted with a reading of 200 pounds. Lo and behold, this afternoon, I tipped the scales at 198 pounds!
The only other issue of major concern is that the rash and the areas where it had resided on my body seem to be photosensitive! It would appear that at present I have developed an intolerance for bright intense sun exposure. I've already experienced a moment where I thought I was going to pass out while out in the sun.

During my visit on Friday with the dermatologist he advised me not to use sunscreens but to stay out of the direct sun as much as possible. He took a small biopsy sample from the area of my collar bone where some of the rash was still visible. He will run some tests on the sample and hopes to have some positive results on my return appointment this coming Thursday at 10:30 am. He will remove the stitches then also.
There you have it, my updated status as I know it to be.


Saturday, July 18, 2009

The Lease Is Extended - I'll Live !

They say that when you're living the fast life, sooner or later it'll catch up to you.

I've found that living for fast food, will most definitely catch up to you also !
Tonight my wife prepared our first meal, a supper, using the guidelines stipulated by the doctor-ordered diet upon which I've been placed. She's decided that it would be a good idea for her to start watching what she eats too.

I'd never realized just how much for granted I've been taking salt over the years. It was quite literally a shock to the system to eat an entire meal without salt! It's going to take a lot of getting used to, to say the least!
I'm getting ahead of myself ....

I was released from the hospital on Thursday afternoon and sent home with a sack of prescribed medicines, [sic] drugs.
Lisinopril 20 mg -( 1 a day ) to control high blood pressure
Cephalexin 500 mg - (4 a day) antibiotic for infection
Ferrous So4 325 mg - (3 a day ) iron supplement for anemia
Furosemide 40 mg - (1 a day) fluid removal and blood pressure
Non-oral meds
Ammonium Lactate lotion - (2 a day) apply to dry irritated skin
Then there was a brief consultation with the hospital nutritionist who lowered the boom on me: a two-page diet plan that literally turned my world upside down! Of course, if the title of this post is to mean anything I'll have to follow it as religiously as possible.
I. Diet: You have been prescribed a Cardiac Diet.

We would like you to eat foods low in sodium (salt), fat and cholesterol. You should have lean meats, low fat dairy products, low sodium soups, low fat salad dressings. You should avoid eating processed meats (bacon, ham and sausage), convenience foods, regular soups, fried foods, whole milk, butter, table salt, rich desserts.

II. Diet: You have been prescribed a 2 Gram Sodium Controlled Diet.

We would like you to eat foods that are low in sodium (salt). This may help you control your blood pressure and avoid large amounts of fluid weight gain. You should eat more fresh meat, chicken, fish, fruit and vegetables, plain rice and potatoes. Avoid adding salt to foods. You should NOT eat processed foods like cold cuts, hot dogs, and frozen dinners. Buy low salt cheese, reduced salt canned soups, unsalted crackers, and no no salt added canned vegetables. Limit pickles and condiments like soy sauce and steak sauce.

III. Diet: You have been prescribed a High Fiber diet.

A high fiber diet may protect you from certain caners, heart disease or constipation. We would like you to gradually add foods to your diet that are high in fiber. Foods such as: whole grains, breads, cereals, vegetables, oat/wheat bran, dried beans, legumes, and fruits are good choices.

Drink plenty of fluid (6-8 cups per day.)
In Clement Moore's "A Visit From St. Nicholas," the children were asleep while visions of sugar plums danced in their heads!

I'm not asleep, but visions of hot dogs, sausage links, eggs, and sticks of butter with sprouted wings can be seen circling above my head just out of reach before they fly through the window into the evening air.
My Blue Cheese salad dressing - gone! Fish and Chips (fried) - bye-bye! Southern style fried chicken - no more! Encore frozen Salisbury Steaks - history!
I think you get the picture.

This morning, I had a 10am appointment with the Dermatologist. The rash that had developed after the outset of the edema (fluid retention) appears to be clearing up. The rash itself has been a complete mystery to the doctors. They have been unable to explain its presence or what caused it. They are stumped as to why it "jumped" over the white untanned skin on my wrist where I'd been wearing a watch. They cannot figure why it was appearing on my lower legs and next on my abdomen skipping altogether my thighs. The next day it then be on the thighs. One day it was on my neck and formed rings around my eyes - two days later, it was gone from those spots. The rash never appeared on my back and it never showed up on any part of my skin that was covered by my underwear!

This really has them scratching their heads: not once did the rash ever itch!

I have a appointment for next Thursday with the dermatologist for him to see what has or will not happen during a six-day span.

As for the edema, the doctors are also baffled over that case too. They are unable to explain why I "blew" up and why such a large area of my body was affected in a matter of only three days! The water pills have been doing the trick and the swelling has been subsiding quite rapidly. It is almost completely gone now! Of course, in order for the water pills to work their magic, the fluid is drained through the kidneys. Trips to the bathroom to urinate are quite frequent especially within the first hour of taking the pills.

Yes, the lease has been extended.

Lessons learned: eat properly and when something doesn't look or feel right - get thine ass to the doctor!



Thursday, July 16, 2009

I'M HOME ! !

Was released today - got home at about 6PM.

By the time I called my brother and sisters, friends here in Home area - It was 11:00 PM .

I'm going to bed - it's been a long day.

As for my health - for now -Everything is optimistic.

I will detail everything as soon as I am up to it.

I have out-patient appointment tomorrow (Friday) with Dermatology team and it may or may not be a long day.

Thanks for your prayers and well wishes. I will respond to those comments soon on those posts.


Wednesday, July 15, 2009

I'm Hospitalized

Sorry for not pulling the punches.

I'm just telling it like it is!

My post Go Shit In Your Hat gave you a status of my recent health woes with a few cartoons thrown in for comic relief.

Since that post and on this past Monday I was admitted to the VA's West Roxbury Hospital. It's been a roller coaster ride to say the least.

They are still not sure what is causing the water retention (edema). If that wasn't bad enough a nearly whole body encompassing rash has pervaded over me. The cause? - They haven't been able to figure that out either!

They have, however, ruled out the rash is a result of an allergic reaction to any of the meds they been giving me. I have lost six pounds since I was admitted on Monday- but that still puts me at an alarming 208 pounds! They ramped up the Lasex intravenious - so that weight should be going down quicker soon.

My overall health is good. I'm in no appreciable pain. The rash is not itchy at all (another mystery).

Beyond that, there really is much that I can add. Now that I know i have Internet access, I'll try to keep everyone up to snuff via a brief post like this one.

Also, I see no reason that that the next chapter of "The Quill and the Quire" cannot and will not be posted for Friday's scheduled post.

Wish me luck and pray hard to get me home sooner!


Sunday, July 12, 2009

Go Shit In Your Hat !

Go shit in your hat!

Depending on who says it to you, it could be taken as a subtle way of saying "F**K OFF!"

But when a nurse said it to me, it meant "Come back Monday with three stool samples."

I suppose I could have been a smart ass and said something like, "Milking stool, bar stool or a kitchen stool?"

But I didn't. To be serious, I had to give a shit!

It seems to have been my lot the past two years to be coming up with leg problems. Two bouts of cellulitis was enough, thank you very much!

I'm afraid it's something different this time, however.

A few months ago I began experiencing swollen feet and ankles when I was getting home from work. Getting off my feet and soaking them was doing the trick for a few weeks. Not long after that my legs were achy before the end of the work day.

When I began having tired and sore legs I noticed I was especially struggling to climb stairs. Next, bending and stooping was becoming an effort. For that I was told to wear those over-the-knee support stockings. For a month or so, they did the trick as far as controlling the fatigue and soreness in the legs.

There was another red flag that should have caused me more alarm. Since September of 2008, until a couple of weeks ago, I have gained considerable weight. (Between 165-170 pounds in September to a current 204 pounds!)

You're probably thinking at this point, why hadn't I got off my ass and sought some medical attention?
Unfortunately, at the end of last year, 12/31/08, my work status was changed from full time to part-time. This was based largely on available State and Federal funds. It is tragic, but the state of the economy even has an impact on the services provided our elderly citizens.

Six of my long-time regular elderly clients either died, or were hospitalized, or placed in nursing homes. Because of the economic cutbacks, no new elder clients were accepted into the system. As such, there were no clients and hours available to fill my schedule.

As it was, my boss was generous and kept my status at full-time for three months. At the start of the new calendar year however, there was no choice but to make the change. The result of this was dramatic.

The loss of paid holidays, sick pay and paid vacations were a bitter pill to swallow after fourteen years of dedicated employment. The bitterest pill however, was being dropped from the company health insurance plan!

Oh, I had the option to remain on the company plan - at an out-of-pocket cost of $500 a month! At part time hours, it was too prohibitive. I couldn't afford to shell out that much and yet maintain my monthly expenses, let alone eat!
To make matters worse, last year the State of Massachusetts passed a law that every citizen must be enrolled in a health plan. Any citizen NOT having health insurance would be penalized when filing their state taxes. Part of the law stipulated that Insurers had to make available affordable health insurance for everyone.

As is usually the case when lawmakers pass laws, there are the inevitable loopholes and caveats hidden in the language of the bills by the time they are enacted. (Yes, somebody along the way had their palms greased.)

In my case, I was only too willing to apply for one of these affordable health plans. Hey, you have to have health insurance! Right? And they have to make it available to me! Right?

I ran headlong into a Catch-22 ! When filling out the enrollment paperwork of one Insurer, I was asked to state my income and that of my spouse! I was summarily denied enrollment because our combined income exceeded the maximum amount allowed for their "affordable" plan.

"Whoa! Wait a minute! Time out!" I protested. My wife has her own health insurance through her employer! (Her employer has employee insurance but no family insurance.) I was applying for myself, not her.

The same scenario played out when I applied at a half dozen other Insurers with so-called affordable health plans available for every citizen of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts.

In their own not so subtle ways the Insurance companies said to me, "Go shit in your hat!"

Oh yes, as for the question as to why I hadn't gotten off my ass and sought medical attention .....

Knowing that any and all medical treatment would be 100% out of my pocket, I kept putting off seeing a doctor ...

I forgot to mention that since I'd lost my health insurance - I was also dropped by my Primary Care Physician! It seems that the new Massachusetts law also gave the state's doctors the right to refuse patients without medical insurance. (Like I said above, a lot of somebodies along the way had their palms greased.) Yep, even my doctor of 15 years told me, "Go shit in your hat!"

Then I woke up and smelled the coffee!

Why did I devote four years of my life to the United States Navy and earn Veterans' benefits and not take advantage of them, especially the medical and hospitalization benefits?

Unable to find my Discharge Papers (DD-214), I googled the Veteran sites and was able to request a copy of that valuable and very necessary form. Finally, I got to see a doctor this past Thursday, 7/10.

By this time my condition had grown well beyond swollen ankles and legs. Tired and sore legs were the least of my worries. I guess the first doctor I saw said it best, "You should have been in here two months ago!"

The swelling had traveled up my legs - above the knees - well up my thighs - and into my stomach! Even my left arm was swollen almost to my shoulder and I couldn't bend it to touch my head. At this point, I couldn't bend my legs all the way either.

The doctors and nurses initial diagnoses were one that I assumed already. I was suffering from from a serious case of (edema) water retention! That was further evidenced by flaking dry skin and spots of water blisters on my shins.

It came as no surprise that I was put through a whole gamut of tests. These began with an EKG. That was immediately followed by a series of X-rays. Next was that dreaded command to drop my drawers, bend forward and spread them. Of course there was the obligatory offering of an urinalysis sample in the cup. Next, there was a battery of blood tests ordered up. Twelve separate vials were drawn for these tests, even though they had a hard time getting the veins to be cooperative due to the swelling in my arms.

I don't think I need to state that I was becoming very concerned about my fate with all of this taking place at such a hurried and urgent pace. I had visions of being held overnight with wires and tubes connected to me. Did I say I was concerned? Hell, I was afraid!
I'd be remiss not to mention my son-in-law, Scott. He drove me to the Veterans Hospital and stayed with me the whole day. They apparently thought he was my son, for they seemed to confide in him more so than with me. In any event, he was much appreciated company for those times I was in the waiting room and not being seen. We were able to have lunch together in the canteen.
In the end when all the blood work had been run, processed and read for results, the news was MUCH better than I had been dreading. Especially the part where I would be going home and wasn't going to be admitted.

My heart and lungs were good. My cholesterol counts were good. My potassium levels were okay. My blood sugar was okay. These were good news to me considering that I had not had a good medical exam in a long, long time.

I knew I wasn't going to walk away clean though! I was anemic, the iron count being very low. I had high blood pressure, 167 over 79.

I was given prescriptions for Iron pills, three to be taken every day. I was also given water/blood pressure pills to be taken once a day. From the supply I was issued, I'm going to be on those for a while!

I was told to come back on Monday, 7/13, at 10:30 AM, for more tests. They may have diagnosed edema, but they still had to discover what was causing it!

So it was as we were about to leave, that the nurse called out to me. She handed to me a large paper bag. ....And she told me in so many words to, "Go shit in my hat!"


Wednesday, July 08, 2009

A Few Yucks to Nibble On

Honeymoon Spaghetti
Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon performing oral sex on his new bride.

The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams, "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!"

The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?"

Gary yells, "There’s a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the hell out of here!" The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away.

Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers, "What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair."

Gary says, "Yeah? Well, how long do you think I’d have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?"

And the Number is...

Two guys went to a petrol pump that was holding a contest: A chance to win free sex when you filled your tank with pertol. They pumped their petrol and proceed to pay the attendant and asked about the contest.

"I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," the attendant said. "if you guess right, you win free sex."

"okea," agreed one of the guys and said, "I guess seven."

"Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.

The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number.

"Two", said the second guy.

"Sorry. it's three," said the attendant, "Come back and try again."

As they walked out to their car, one of them said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."

"NO WAY!" said his buddy, "my wife won twice last week."

Forgot Teeth

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth." The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.

The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair...try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."

The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth...try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his address.

After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I’ve been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied, "I’m not a dentist. I’m the local undertaker."

A Romantic Dinner

Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads.

He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife's cup and said, "Sugar, sugar?" Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.

Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, honey?"

Again Joe thought this was good stuff.

Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife's eyes and said, "Ham, pig?"

Air Conditioning
A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he’d asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and never once getting angry. So finally, a second customer asked why didn’t they just throw out the pest.

"Oh I don’t care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don’t even have an air conditioner."

Two friends went to a diner for some lunch. One of them ordered a hamburger.
The cook grabbed a handful of meat, slapped it against his bare belly, and flattened it into a burger, which he then cooked on the grill.
"Did you see that?" he asked his friend.
His friend nodded and said:
"You should see how he makes doughnuts."


A Hindu priest, rabbi and a lawyer were driving down the road, when the car breaks down. Fortunately finding a farmhouse nearby, the farmer informed them that he had only one spare room, and that it had only two twin beds.

They were welcome to it, but one of them had to sleep in the barn. After much discussion, the Hindu volunteered to go to the barn. A few moments later, a knock on the bedroom door, and the Hindu explained that there was a cow in the barn, and cows are sacred and he could not possibly sleep in the barn with a cow.

Annoyed, the rabbi volunteered. A few moments later, a knock on the door. The rabbi explained that there was a pig in the barn and that he, being very orthodox, could not possibly spend the evening in the barn with the origin of pork.

Finally the lawyer said that he would go to the barn. A few moments later there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig!

№ 1733

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Hyper Hypocrisy

Oh, the hypocrisy !

It wasn't so long ago that everyone one (including African-Americans) wanted to hang him by the short hairs!

Today, one would have thought that he was the second coming of Jesus Christ!

It wasn't so long ago that there were "burn MJ CDs" block parties sponsored by radio stations!

Posters were torn off bedroom walls and thrown out to the trash along with other memorabilia depicting the former "King of Pop" who had fallen from grace.

Today CDs, posters, dolls, etc., - anything Michael is hard to find except on auction sites where some are trying to profit from his passing.

Not so long ago, Jackson's most prevalent Internet exposure was largely comprised of "Wacko Jacko" jokes. (I posted some of them myself!)

Today one can find a limitless bounty of web pages paying homage to him. If you turned on your TV sets today, you were hard pressed to find networks NOT preempting their regular programming to hop on the band wagon.

How soon they forget!

There are fewer crimes that are more reviled than child molestation.

How quick they are to forgive!

(Who pays millions of dollars to an accusing child's parents to settle out of court if they are innocent of the charges?)


I would be remiss not to admit that Michael Jackson was a very talented performer. His success and popularity speak for themselves.

Based upon sales, popularity and the influence on performers after him, I'd have to say that Jackson stands on a third pedestal right next to Elvis Presley and The Beatles.

Today the Rev. Al Sharpton said probably the stupidest thing that has ever came out of his seldom shut mouth. (Not that it's unusual for him to say things stupid!)

I'm paraphrasing this: He said that Michael Jackson paved the way - that if not for him, Barack Obama would have never been elected President!

What? What? WHAT?

Unless I'm mistaken, I thought as a trail blazer for the advancement of equal rights, that honor had been bestowed upon the Rev. Martin Luther King! They even gave a him legal holiday!

What little I got to see of the MJ coverage on TV today, I was sickened by it all.

The hypocrisy of them all!


Saturday, July 04, 2009

Happy 4th of July

The Heart of the Matter

Mrs Whyte, his teacher advises the class that each school day starts with the *"Pledge of Allegiance" and instructs them to put their right hand over their heart and repeat after her.

As Mrs Whyte starts the recitation she looks around the room, 'I pledge allegiance to the flag........', when her eyes are drawn to Andy who has his hand over the right cheek of his bottom.

Andy, I cannot continue till you put your hand over your heart,' she demands.

Andy looks up and replies, 'It is over my heart.'

After several more attempts to get Andy to put his hand over his heart, Mrs Whyte enquires, 'Why do you think that is your heart, Andy?'

'Well Miss,' answers Andy, 'because every time my Grandma comes to visit she pats me there and says, "Bless your little heart," and my Grandma never lies.'

One, Two, Free

The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery school teacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. 'We live in a great country,' she announced. 'One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free.'

Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, 'I'm not free. I'm four.'

If your protest group is going to burn an American flag,
Might I suggest that you don't let the villiage idiot light it ?

How Many States Can You Name?

Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, 'Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.

There Are Better Ways To Surprise Your Wife

One of Many Legacies of George W.'s Preidency

An American soldier is dying in a battlefield hospital in Afganistan.

Soldier : How I wish I could kiss the American flag before I die.

Nurse (Extremely touched by the soldier's patriotism) : I have a tattoo of the American flag on my bottom. You may kiss it if you don't mind.

Soldier : Of course I wouldn't mind. Thank you for fulfilling my last wish.

The nurse took off her panties and the dying soldier kissed the flag.

Soldier : Thank you, nurse. Would you be so kind as to turn around so that I could kiss Bush too?

A Happy 4th of July to every one who stops by!


Friday, July 03, 2009

Remember When (Not For the Youngsters)

Do You Remember When?

How many of these do you remember?

All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?

It took five minutes for the TV warm up?

Nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school?

Nobody owned a purebred dog?

When a quarter was a decent allowance?

You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?

Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces?

All your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done every day and wore high heels?

You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, all for free, every time? And you didn't pay for air? And, you got trading stamps to boot?

Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box?

It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents?

They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed... and they did

When a 57 Chevy was everyone's dream cruise, peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady?

No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?

Lying on your back in the grass with your friends and saying things like, "That cloud looks like a..."

Playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game?

Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?

And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace, and share it with the children of today?

When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home? Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.

Maybe you remember Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, Laurel and Hardy, Howdy Dowdy and the Peanut Gallery, the Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Bell, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk.

As well as summers filled with bike rides, baseball games, Hula Hoops, bowling and visits to the pool, and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar. Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that"?

I am sharing this with you today because it ended with a double dog dare to pass it on. To remember what a double dog dare is, read on. And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between old enough to know better and too young to care.

Candy cigarettes
Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside
Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum
Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
Newsreels before the movie
P.F. Fliers
and the best candy ever - Dots; those drops of sugar stuck to a long strip of paper

Telephone numbers with a word prefix...(Raymond 4-601)
Party lines
Howdy Dowdy
45 RPM records
Green Stamps

Metal ice cubes trays with levers
Mimeograph paper
Beanie and Cecil
Roller-skate keys
Cork pop guns
Drive ins

Washtub wringers
The Fuller Brush Man
Reel-To-Reel tape recorders
Erector Sets
The Fort Apache Play Set
Lincoln Logs
15 cent McDonald hamburgers
5 cent White Castle burgers

5 cent packs of baseball cards - with that awful pink slab of "bubble gum"
Penny candy

25 cent a gallon gasoline
Jiffy Pop popcorn

Do you remember a time when...

Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-moe"
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do Over!"
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening
It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends"

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties"
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot
A foot of snow was a dream come true

Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures
"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense
Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles

The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team
War was a card game
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon

If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!!!!

Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grown-up" life... I double-dog-dare-ya!

This message brought to you by an old guy. If you aren't familiar with most of the above, try Googling the unfamiliar terms - that should be interesting! Or you might be able to learn something from someone over 50.