Will Rogers Never Met Ted Kennedy

"What a nightmare I had last night. I dreamt that I was a Washington party and I had to choose between Dick Cheney taking me on a hunting trip or Ted Kennedy driving me home." - Jay Leno

Edward "Shamu" Kennedy was rushed to the Mass General Hospital this past weekend after suffering from a seizure. After tests were conducted it was determined that he had a malignant glioma of the brain. It is the deadliest of brain cancers from which few have survived for more than three years.

I don't wish any suffering upon the portly Senator from Massachusetts, but I cannot understand the almost godlike esteem given the man. I can see why there was concern about the news of the cancer. I felt the same way. I don't how the news of him being rushed to the hospital was received across the country, but it was down right pathetic here in Massachusetts. It was this and not the public's reaction to the news of his cancer that bothered me.

Nearly all of the local stations' programs were interrupted for the non-stop all day coverage of his admittance into the hospital. I had only seen that kind of reaction to a news story during the Sept. 11 attacks on the WTC and Pentagon.

If I hadn't known better, I would have thought a great man or a member of a royal family had died! ... But it was ONLY a Senator. ...It was ONLY Ted Kennedy. To make matters worse he'd collapsed while preparing food for himself.

The reporters were praising his accomplishments as a U.S. Senator. They were quick to cite all the bills that bore his finger prints - and they were notable bills. I noticed however, they made no mention of the bills bearing his foot prints - those he'd voted against because they served the interests of the common folk and not him. In number those he gave the thumbs down to were more numerous than those he supported.

Most recent of these are the measures to erect wind mills out in the ocean to help generate electricity and to ease the burden on oil. Why would he vote against such measures? Why, it would mess up his view of the ocean from his back porch at his palatial estate. He would be able to see them, never mind that they would be just specks on the horizon. Imagine the poor old bastard sitting there trying to enjoy his fresh lobster washed down with his 10 am cocktails and having to look at those eyesores!

How about that $8 million book deal?
The editor-in-chief of "Twelve," which will publish Teddie's memoirs, said of the Senator, "Mr. Kennedy is 'walking, talking history'.."
(Gives new meaning to "Money talks and bullshit walks," doesn't it?)

The Working Title:
Other possible titles include: "A Bridge Too Far" - "Driving Miss Kopechne" - "Splash" - "Wrong Turn" - "Bridge Over Troubled Waters" - "Driveby Drowning" - "Guide to the Bars of New England and Washington, D.C." - "Tryst and Shout" -

You can bet that Teddy’s “autobiography” will either ignore or gloss over his extramarital affairs, Mary Jo’s murder, his drunkenness, his cheating in college, and how Mary Jo’s death led to his father’s death. To do so would require a level of honesty and character forever out of his reach.

Random Closing Thoughts
From the movie Animal House, I can imagine that Dean Vernon Wormer was not speaking to Flounder, but to (Shamu) Ted, when he said, "...Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life." (Except if you happened to be a Kennedy.)

If you or I had been behind the wheel of that car in Chappaquiddick and had acted in the same manner, we'd still be in jail to this very day!

All he got was a slap on the wrist and forfeiture of his drivers license for a year!

Did old man Joseph P. see his chance for a Presidential son dashed again and thus lost his will to live?

How kinder to history it might have been had Rose Kennedy been sterile!

Is it any wonder that Joan was an alcoholic?

His deeds and antics are history. Why do we need his autobiography anyway?

Could someone please find Robert Byrd's walker and point in him the direction of the nursing home?

No.1359

Ass-imilate These

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where...

:) - means a smile

:( - is a frown

Sometimes these are represented by

- :-)

- :-(


Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(_Y_) a plumber's ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_0_) an ass that's really been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_<>_) patient's ass at Proctologist appointment

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) money coming out of ass

(_?_) dumb ass

(_Q_) ass with a Klingon


Then there are BOOBICONS.

(o)(o) perfect breasts

( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts

(*)(*) high nipple breasts

(@)(@) big nipple breasts

oo A cups

{ O }{ O } D cups

()() cold breasts

(o)(O) lopsided breasts

(Q)(O) pierced breasts

(p)(p) hanging tassels breasts

(:o)(o) bitten by a vampire breasts

\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts

( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts

<><> electric shock breasts

|o||o| android breasts

(/)(o) scratched breasts (ouch)

(%)(o) extra nipple breasts (like Chandler)

($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts

(^o)(o) zit on your breast

( o Y o ) poses for SCORE magazine breasts

( ~ )( o ) pinched nipple breast

/o\/o\ Madonna's breasts

Gals if you want Peni-cons they are for sale
HERE:


No.1358

The Bare Necessities

Tonight was a late night at work. Still a little tired from the baseball game last night, the noggin seems to be a little short of ideas. So here's a few jokes and toons on the subject of nudity - the barest of necessities.

A Bird In Hand
There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on a beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.

The girl came up toward him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?"

Thinking quickly, the guy replied. "A bird."

The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he awoke, he was in tremendous pain and ended up in hospital. The police asked him what happend.

The guy says, "I dont know. I was lying on the beach, and this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off and the next thing I know I'm here"

The police went to the beach found the little girl and asked her "What did you do to that man?"

After a pause the little girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me. So, I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

Parents and Son on a Nude Beach
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later, he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." Once again the son goes back to play.

A short time later, he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

A Call to Fire Department:
Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window!"

"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."

"No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"


Got Milk?
To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment to work on his tan. Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude but fell asleep and burned his penis.

Not wanting to miss out on his date with the hot blonde, he applied some ointment to his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up at his apartment and after dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt. After several minutes of extreme discomfort, he asked to be excused.

A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain. So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk. He experienced immediate relief.

The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his shaft fully immersed in the glass of milk. With a look of understanding the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you load those things!"

Shooting From the Hip
A guy starts talking to two blondes in a bar. They turn out to be Siamese twins, connected at the hip, and they wind up back at his apartment.

He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He thinks the first one might get bored watching, so he asks her what she'd like to do.

She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone!"

So she plays it while he makes love to her sister.

A few weeks later, the girls are walking past his apartment building. One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy."

The other girl says, "Gee ... do you think he'll remember us?"

But Was It Good?

As a newlywed couple was checking into the hotel for their
honeymoon, another couple at the desk offered to show them around the
town that night. Thanking them for the kind offer, the bridegroom
explained that it was their wedding night and that they'd prefer to
take a rain check.

When the second couple came down to breakfast the next morning
they were astonished to catch sight of the groom in the hotel bar
apparently drowning his sorrows. "Why you should be the happiest
man in the world today," they said coming over to him.

"Yesterday I was," said the man mournfully. "But this morning, without
realizing it, I put three ten dollar bills on the pillow and got up
to get dressed."

"Hey, cheer up, she probably didn't even notice."

"That's the problem," the groom went on. "Without even thinking,
she gave me five dollars change!"

No.1357

I Hit You Not!

When I was invited to last night's Red Sox game, at first I was hesitant. The weather reports had called for a high temperature of 47 with off-shore winds of 30-50 mph. My internal thermostat told me that was cold to be watching a night baseball game.

Even though I haven't attended a baseball game in quite a while, the fact that the Red Sox were hosting Kansas City wasn't exactly tantalizing. My friend was persistent and I agreed to go with him.

Besides, I remembered the last time I had turned down free tickets to a Red Sox game. On that night, which was foggy, cold and damp, Roger Clemens set a major league record by striking out 20 Seattle Mariners.

Jon Lester, 24, the Red Sox' highly-regarded young left-handed pitcher was the scheduled starter against the visiting KC Royals. The only two base runners through the first two innings reached base on a walk issued by Lester, and that runner was erased on a fielder's choice off the bat of the next hitter.

With the help of a KC error, the Red Sox put up five runs in the bottom of the third. In the top of the fourth with two outs, the Sox' rookie sensation, Jacoby Ellsbury, made a web-gem diving catch of a fast sinking ball in short center field. We could not have known at the time how significant that spectacular catch would turn out to be. The ball caught by Ellsbury would be the closest the KC team would come to having another base runner until the ninth inning. That runner reached by way of a walk.

With two out in the ninth inning, his ninth strike out of the game clinched it. Jon Lester had pitched a no-hitter!

I know a certain lady on my Blogroll, Rebecca, who is a big fan of the Sox' starting catcher will be happy to hear of this game. For the record, Red Sox catcher Jason Varitek became the first catcher in major league baseball history to have caught four no-hitters! In addition to Lester's gem, he was behind the plate for no-no's hurled by Derek Lowe, Hideki Nomo, and the one last year thrown by Clay Buckholz.

THE LINE SCORE

	Final		1		2		3		4		5		6		7		8		9		R		H		E
	Kansas City	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	1
	Boston	0	0	5	0	0	2	0	0	X	7	5	1
WP: J. Lester (3-2) LP: L. Hochevar (3-3)

His no-hitter is just another chapter in the feel-good story of this young pitcher.

On August 27, 2006, Lester was scratched from his scheduled start against the Oakland Athletics due to a sore back. The following day he was placed on the 15 day disabled list (retroactive to August 24, 2006), and was sent back to Boston for testing. At the time, Lester's back problems were thought to be the result of a car crash he was involved in on August 18, 2006.

On August 31 it was reported that Lester had been diagnosed with enlarged lymph nodes and was being tested for a variety of ailments, including forms of cancer. On September 1, doctors at Massachusetts General Hospital confirmed that Lester had a treatable form of anaplastic large cell lymphoma.

On December 5, 2006, ESPN.com reported that Lester's latest CT Scan showed no signs of the disease, which appeared to be in remission. Lester attended spring training in 2007, and on March 5, 2007, he made his first appearance in a game. He retired all 3 batters he faced, with a total of 8 pitches.

He started the 2007 season for the class A Greenville Drive. Lester then started for AAA Pawtucket Red Sox in late April 2007. As of June 11, Lester was removed from the disabled list, and sent to Pawtucket for further rehab outings. Lester made his first 2007 start for the Boston Red Sox on July 23 against the Cleveland Indians at Jacobs Field in Cleveland, pitching 6 innings, allowing 2 runs on 5 hits and struck out 6, picking up the win.

Lester was the winning pitcher in the final game of the 2007 World Series which saw the Boston Red Sox sweep the Colorado Rockies in four games.

To honor Lester's comeback from lymphoma, Boston Baseball Writers' Association of America honored him with the 2007 Tony Conigliaro Award.

Though it was cold, I had witnessed my first live no hitter. The sell-out crowd and the energy of those fans and the electricity of a possible historic evening of baseball made me all but forget that it was cold out there last night.

...And to think that I almost turned down the ticket!

The Hits Keep On Coming
There may not have been any hits for the Kansas City baseball team last night, but this site, "It Occurred To Me", keeps on piling them up with ...
as of 11:30 pm last night.

It's certainly not as impressive as Jon Lester's accomplishment, but it's gratifying to me just the same. A tip of the hat and a hearty "thank you" to everyone who honors my Blog with their visits.

No.1356

Echoes of Eddie -21

Can a dead man reach out from the grave to exact revenge against those responsible for his death? Welcome to the twenty-first installment of a story that explores that possibility. If you've not done so, read the story from the beginning HERE.

Steve sat in the car drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. Staring blankly at the hospital's facade he was fighting another surge of memories. He and Eddie were almost nose to nose in a heated argument. Their words resonated in his head.

"Eddie, you can't go up there. You need to stay away," he pleaded to his best friend. "She won't risk her standing with her friends."

"She will if I bring it out in the open," Eddie retorted in defiance. "I love her. We've been having sex. She's in love with me. She said so!" He clinched his fists and continued, "When the others find out ... then they'll have to accept me."

"Come on, Eddie. Think about it. Why has she been keeping your relationship a secret all this time?" Steve countered. "You and I are nerds, geeks. They'll never accept you. You know it, I know it and Tiffany knows it."

He turned his eyes from the hospital and took a deep breath. He had been unable to sway Eddie's resolve that night. He'd ended up doing the only other thing he could have done, he'd gone to the quarry with him.

It had been no secret that their high school's elite students would be meeting that night at the quarry to plan for the annual Holiday Pageant. The theme, the music and the decorations would be in the hands of a Prom Queen, a star quarterback, two cheerleaders, a track star, a basketball star, a class president and a classical pianist. The most popular and most affluent students in the senior class were there. The group consisted of Freddy, Tommy Joe, Mindy, Jennifer, Jeffery, Brad, Hunter and Tiffany . They had been sitting in a circle on blankets placed upon the frozen ground.

Steve tried to swallow but a lump caught in his throat. Ten years later they were to have all met once again at the quarry. He shook his head in disbelief at the realization that only Hunter and Tiffany were still alive out of that group. Then there were the two uninvited interlopers - he and Eddie - and only he remained of that pair.

It was Hunter who had jumped to his feet and shouted, "What in the hell are two geeks doing here? This is a private meeting and you two were not invited."

Steve shuddered as he remembered Eddie standing before him and boldly announcing, "Tiffany and I are in love with each other!" He then walked past Hunter and said to a horrified Tiffany, "Right, Tiff?"

What happened next had been a blur in Steve's mind for the past ten years, until that moment. The events began to play in his mind's eye with sharp clarity. Everything had happened so fast! First, Hunter had grabbed Eddie by the arm and had raised a fist to strike the impudent party crasher. Then there was the stream of expletives spouting from Tiffany's mouth. Without warning, it had been not Hunter, but the fist of Tiffany that had struck Eddie's face, sending him in one direction and his glasses another.

Then he'd rushed in to try to help Eddie. In an involuntary motion Steve rubbed his left side. Ten years ago Hunter had nearly buried his fist in Steve's ribcage as he'd tried to protect Eddie. As he'd bent forward in pain, his assailant had continued the attack by bringing up his knee into his throat. As he squirmed on the ground gasping for his breath someone's foot slammed into the side of his head.

Struggling to remain conscious, he'd helplessly watched as Eddie groped the ground trying to find his glasses. He could hear Tiffany's voice as she yelled down at Eddie, "In love with you? What are you trying to do to me, you little shit?" Then she kicked Eddie in the face. Steve saw her smash the heel of her shoe down onto Eddie's glasses. He could hear the lens shatter. By that time other sets of legs, male and female joined in on what had become a frenzy. Tiffany in the meantime had picked up the broken spectacles and was taunting Eddie. "You want your glasses, nerd boy?" Then she hurled them in the direction of the quarry rim.

His vision blurred from the blood oozing from a cut on his forehead, Steve had called out for them to stop the mayhem. Whether or not it had been his pleas he didn't know, but the violence had finally come to an end. It was as if only then had they realized they were committing brutal acts.

Then there was that blood curdling scream! Steve and the others had turned at the very moment Eddie had slipped over the edge into the quarry. Tiffany was standing by the edge crying in utter hysteria. They all had rushed to her side and stood there in shock. Steve, weakened by the beatings had been the last to reach the edge of the quarry. The sun had long been set and it was dark - too dark to see into the depths of the quarry. It wouldn't be until the next morning that his body would be found on the rocks fifty feet below the quarry rim.

Steve let his forehead rest upon the steering wheel as if the act would absolve him in some small way from the guilt that had been tormenting him for so long. Had it been the guilt or the fear of restitution that had brought him to agree to their pact, a vow of silence? So it was that ten teenagers had gone to the quarry that night. So it was that only nine would leave there. It had been agreed that none of them had been there that night! None of them had seen Eddie since the previous day! So it was that they had agreed that none of them would ever mention the events of that night.


Dobbs stood before the disturbed grave. He shook his head in anger as he looked down upon the partially buried man. "It's a shame what has happened you, Hunter, but you just cannot go around digging up bodies," he bent over and picked up the spade. "No way was I going to let you disturb my son Eddie's grave."

He looked around in all directions. There was a look of concern on his hardened face. "This is not good...," he thought, "... Not good at all."

He glanced at his watch and whispered to himself, "It's almost six o'clock."


As they drove away from the back entrance of the hospital Catherine felt very uncomfortable. Marjorie was sitting shoulder to shoulder next to David in the front seat. Although they had talked only recently on the telephone a couple of times, before that moment when she'd climbed into the back seat of his car, she had not seen her baby brother since the night she'd helped to arrange his "death."


Catherine had come and gone. Steven had come and gone. There was someone or something still there in the room with her. She could feel the cold presence. She sensed that it was trying to communicate with her.

The attending nurse on duty thought she heard something from within Mildred Cooper's room. She hurried to the room down the hall from her station. Was she coming out of her coma? She shivered when she stepped inside. The room was cold. She was about to check the thermostat when she heard a weak voice.

The nurse moved closer to the bed and saw that Mrs. Cooper's lips were moving. She bent forward and turned her ear close to the woman's face.

"You ... must tell him ... tell Steven ..." her labored words were barely a whisper. "Tell Steven ... Eddie forgives him."

For the nurse everything seemed to happen at the same instant. The woman's body tensed. The machinery monitoring her heart began to flat line. The room temperature returned to normal.

(to be continued... Echoes of Eddie -22)

No.1355

The Unkindest Cuts of All

Good For What Ails you?
Today was a day that I attempted to make my lawn the greener gas on the other side of the fence! "Attempted" is the operative work to describe my efforts however.

After four weeks of not being able to give my yard its first attention for the year, I got my chance today. Last weekend was reserved to celebrate Mother's Day and our anniversary. The previous three weekends were reserved for another Mother, namely Mother Nature, in which she decided to let loose with heavy rains and cold temps.

As it turns out, I would have had better luck if I owned one of these "high-tech" mowers. I would have gotten some exercise for the legs too.

Instead, there was more exercise devoted to my shoulders and my back. It was only after I had cut back the shrubs and trimmed the hedges did I learn that I could've used the aforementioned mower. The lawn mower wouldn't start! It was turning over but it would not run! Pulling repeatedly on the starting lanyard resulted in the unwanted exercise [sic] to my back and shoulders.

In the end, I had to resort to using a weed-whacker on the whole yard front and back. Without my lawn mower, which also mulches when it is running, I had to rake all the trimmings of grass and cuttings from the shrubs and hedges.

By the time my work was completed, the original two hours I had planned for the chore had become a total of five hours!

They used to say that if you read it in the newspaper, it had to be true. (The Sun, The Globe, and The National Enquirer are newspapers, aren't they?) By that reckoning, the suggested use of WD-40 should have the obvious choice for me to use as topical treatment for my aching back and shoulders.

That part about it being true if it was in the papers - that might have been true once upon a time. I left the WD-40 on the work bench. Ben-Gay doesn't belong on my bench and WD-40 won't be found in my medicine cabinet in the near future.

If someone wants to try WD-40's medicinal qualities, let me know how it works. If I read it a blog, will that make it true?

No.1354

Captivating Captions

Study
these
two
pictures
closely.

Which
blonde
will
be
single
in
the
morning?





HYBRID TRANSPORTATION
When asked during an oral exam to discuss the origins of hybrid forms of transportation, the blonde cheerleader answered, "The Romans were the first to develop hybrid vehicles.

"How did you come to that conclusion?" asked the Economics teacher.

"Well duh, they hitched a centaur to their chariots."

HMO MEDICAL PLANS
The blonde was then asked to discuss the problems with HMOs.

She said, "It was because of an HMO that Frankenstein had so many health issues. Like they had to bolts in his neck to keep him charged."

The teacher was aghast and replied, "That was fiction. They didn't have health plans in those days."

Confidently the blonde said, "My point exactly."

A couple at a high school reunion was gawking at a drunken woman swigging her drink alone at a nearby table. "Do you know her?" the wife asked.

"Yes," the husband sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and i hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" said the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"


"I have to be very careful not to get get pregnant," a woman told her friend.

"I don't understand," said the friend. "I thought your husband had a vasectomy."

The woman answered, "Precisely."


A blonde was talking to her mother about her upcoming wedding. "Mom, I want you to teach me how I can keep my new husband happy."

The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people honor and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing ----."

"I know how to f**k, Mom, " the girl interrupted. "I'm asking you for your lasagna recipe."

A FINAL LOOK AT HILLARY"S CLEAVAGE

A WORD FROM THE SPONSOR
This Blog has been begrudgingly brought to you by: SUBWAY


No.1353

Salt Water Daffy

I got home early from work today. That hasn't been happening too often lately. Since there were no Red Sox or Celtics games on TV tonight, I thought I'd take advantage of the situation and get a head start on a post. If all went well, I figured I'd have more time to catch up on visiting some of the blogs from blogroll also.

Alas, the best of men and mice planning on getting laid the best laid plans of mice and men ....

It seems that Blogger was having some problems - which translate into problems for those of us who blog.

-> I could not open the comments pages to read comments left here and I could not leave comments at other blogs

->I could not open the post manager and thus could not compose or post.

So I read some blogs and surfed the web to troll for some material. Finally, Blogger's problems were fixed at 11 pm Eastern time. So much for a productive evening of blogging!

Since it was a little too late to try to post something creative, I culled through my files and found a few jokes about sailors. Being an ex-sailor (4 years in the Navy) I was saving these until I had a chance to use them. Well, Blogger forced my hand.

Popeye & the Pope
Most everyone has heard this one before:

Did hear what happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?

Popeye beat the crap out of him!


A Knotty Joke
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, "How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back!"

The Sailor and The Chicken

A sailor who has been at sea for several months comes into port and heads for a brothel. He tells the man at the desk he'd like a woman, but he doesn't have much money.

The man tells him a girl will cost him $40 and a show is $20. The sailor is desperate as he only has $5, having lost most of his money in cards games aboard ship. "You've got to help me out! I've been at sea for months and I really need a woman. You've got to do somethning for me. Please!"

The man thinks for a moment, takes the money, and directs the sailor to one of the upstairs rooms. Once inside the room the sailor looks around but the only thing he sees is a chicken. Desperate for some action, he resigns himself to f**k the chicken and quickly leaves.

Two weeks later, he returns, this time having won a few bucks on ship. "What do you have for $20," he asks.

The man directs him upstairs once again to a different room. Opening the door, the room is packed with men shoulder to shoulder all watching lesbians through a one-way mirror on the wall. The sailor's eyes light up as he watches and remarking to a man standing next to him, "This is great."

The man replies, "If you think this is great, you should have been here 2 weeks ago. There was a guy f**king a chicken!"


Rednecks' Love Lesson
Two country bumpkins get married and go to the city for their honeymoon. They go into their hotel room for the night and get in bed, and neither of them knows what to do now.

They look out the window and see some sailors outside. "I'll bet they can help us!" says the husband, and runs downstairs.

A sailor comes up back with him. He takes a piece of chalk and draws a circle on the floor several feet away from the bed. "Now I want you to watch me carefully, but no matter what I do, do not step out of the circle," says the sailor.

The husband is standing in the circle while the sailor proceeds to make wild passionate love to the wife for a few hours.

The sailor stands up afterwards and sees that the husband is giggling. "What's so funny?!" asks the sailor. The husband answers, "I stepped out of the circle three times, and you didn't even notice!"

No.1352

Appalachian Daily News

Appalachian Daily News and Gossip
Scouring the Hills and Hollers For Y'all
----------------------------------------
Redneck Police Blotter, 5/14

Trailer Park Call Girl Arrested, Released
-Toad Creek

Bertha Butts, 39DD-24-36, of No. 413 Skeeter Park Trailer Court was arrested and charged with prostitution yesterday. After being interrogated, and strip-searched by the police officers, the fire department, and members of the city council, Ms Butts was released on her own recognizance.

Sheriff Billy Bob Boggs said in a statement that there wasn't enough evidence to hold the woman. "Well, it's like this," said Boggs, "Even though we found several hundred dollars in a cash box in her desk, Bertha was not charging her customers money for the sex she was having with her clients."

When asked to explain the Sheriff said, "It appears Bertha Butts was having sex with all kinds of gentleman callers for free. It turns out she was selling paper bags for $50 a pop."

This reporter confirms that there is no law against selling paper bags in Toad Creek.

The Slogan's Gotta Go
-Possum Gulch

A local Realty company has been ordered to cease and desist its operations until it not only stops using its current advertising slogan, but also changes the name of its operations.

A spokesperson for MILF Realtors, who identified herself as Bambi Baker said, "Don't the Possum Gulch people know that we are only exercising our right to free enterprise?"

When asked about their company's success, the owner Anita Mann said, "Most of the menfolk of Possum Gulch have put their homes up for sale through us. Presently though, we ain't been selling too many houses, but our clients are happy."

How Does Your Garden Grow?
-Pokeberry Hill

Mary Lipshitz thought she was doing the right thing. The Pokeberry Hill police thought otherwise.

She caused quite a stir in the town center when she stripped down and began to pour water over herself at a botanical display. When asked why she was performing this act of exposure, she pointed at a sign next to display of flora.The sign reads: Be a good neighbor. Water the flowers, shrubs and bushes here.

Local Swimming Pool Closed
-Coon Holler

On the hottest day of the year so far, the public swimming pool in Coon Holler was forced to shut down.

Wendy Biggins, a senior at the local high school, and two friends decided to go swimming topless at the crowded pool. It seems that Biggins' attempt at a cannonball turned out to be a rather large "flop." As a result of her leap nearly all of the water in the pool ended upon Main Street.

Said Jerry Mander, the lifeguard on duty, "Shucks, I thought she was in trouble. I rushed over to give her mouth to mouth and the hindlick maneuver. Then I tried pounding on her chest and danged if she didn't fight me the whole time. I told that my rubbin' on her chest was to save her life, but she slapped me instead!"

Couple Sets Fire in Busy Eatery
-Chigger Junction

It seems the folks in Chigger Junction don't take too kindly to people playin' with fire around natural gas. All Tom and Nancy Snodgrass intended to do was to toast some marshmallows for dessert after their meal of crawl-dabbers.

In front of some horrified diners Nancy removed most of her clothing and leaned over the table with her backside in the air. Then while husband Tom was affixin' some marshmallows onto a stick his wife commenced to emit flatulent gases and then set them on fire with a bic lighter.

"She had to repeat the process three or four or five times before he got them marshmallows toasted just right," said the waiter in charge of their table.

Floored By Sign
-The Sticks

D.J. Flooring was cited for displaying a pornographic sign outside their downtown office. Owner and proprietor of the flooring outfit, D.J. Dickers, denied the charges claiming the sign was clean.

Before a gathering crowd of gawkers, hizzoner Mayor Jakes told the man to place his hands on his sign, specifically over the head of the depicted woman and her hand holding the glass.

To his surprise, D.J. had to agree his sign was not appropriate to be displayed in clear view of the public and immediately removed it.

Bertha Butts In News Again
-Toad Creek

Ms. Butts made headlines in Toad Creek for the second day in a row. Butts, a former "free" call girl who made money sellin' paper bags, has decided to go straight and to live a more normal lifestyle.

Today she began a new job working for a local accounting firm. She has proven to be quite an attraction at the firm.

"Well, she can't type a lick but she's good to look at from the shoulders down," said company President Ben Dover. "When customers come in and she's wearin' one of her bags, they all want her to handle their taxes."

Bertha was quoted as saying, "I'm having some trouble seeing the computer keyboard, but all the men around here are all more than willing to offer me a hand or two."

No.1351

Sticker Shock, Sucker

The price increase will help the U.S. Post Office to maintain the high level of performance and efficiency we've grown accustomed to .....

Just today I swapped mail with my neighbor ... I gave him his mail from my mailbox, and he gave my mail that had been delivered to his address.

One piece of mail I received was my electric bill that I had mailed last week. It had been returned and according to the stamped rejection on it ... it had insufficient postage! When I dropped it in the mailbox I had used a Forever Stamp! It would appear that the performance of the efficient mail sorter at the P.O. is exactly at the level I've grown accustomed to ...

Despite the fact that my street (Preston) is on the other side of town from Prescott Street, I received that person's TV Guide.

In all fairness to the Post Office, my mail, my neighbor's mail, my Electric Bill and the other person's TV Guide were all postmarked prior to the 1-cent increase to 42 cents. The extra penny apparently had yet to factor into the P.O.'s operations!

Why pick on the Postal Service and not poke fun at it too with some jokes?

I Want This Mailbox!
A woman took a package to the post office to mail and was told it would cost $2.40 for fast delivery or $1.30 for slower service.
"There is no hurry," she told the clerk, "just so the package is delivered in my lifetime."
The postmaster glanced at her and said, "That will be $2.40, please."

`````````````````````
A lady bought a stamp at the post office and asked the clerk, "Shall I stick it on myself?"
The clerk replied, "It'll get there faster if you stick it on the envelope."

`````````````````````

Trust me, they get better.

The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment.
Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to uzis.

`````````````````````
The neighborhood postman was retiring after 30 years. On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him something in the mail box in honor of his retirement. Some left money, some left small gifts, and some met him at the door and invited him in for a drink.

As he was putting the mail in the mailbox of the last house, the door opened, and the woman of the house stood there in beautiful lingerie. She invited him inside and lead him upstairs where she made mad passionate love to him. After their lovemaking she lead him downstairs where she prepared an exquisite dinner for him.

He found a dollar bill under his plate as he ate and asked her about it. She explained, "When I called my husband to ask him what we should give you for your retirement, he said, 'screw him, give him a dollar.' Dinner was my idea."

`````````````````````
A guy goes to the Post Office to interview for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"

The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."

"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?"

The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."

"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we'll get you started."

The guy says, "If the working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come in at 10?"

"Well, here at the post office, we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. Don't need you here for that!"

`````````````````````
There is a woman in a hospital giving birth. Although she has been in labor for a few hours, the doctor can see this it's going to be a very painful delivery. So he asked the wife, "We have a new experimental technology that we would like to test on you, it takes some of the pain from the wife, and gives it to the father. Would you like to try it?

Of course the couple says yes.

So the doctor sets up the machine and gives the father-to-be one quarter of the wife's pain. The husband feels nothing. So they increase the pain to 50% each. Still the husband feels no pain at all.

Finally the husband is receiving all the wife's pain and neither of them feel a thing.

When the get home, they see the mailman lying on their lawn, moaning in pain, nearly dead.

`````````````````````
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route.

As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?"

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up seven times...."

No.1350

May the Dorks Be With You

DENVER — Never-before-seen video of “space aliens” convinced Jeff Peckman they exist. He says that alien video will be revealed to the public in a few weeks. (Apparently the Special Effects department is running behind schedule.)

“These happen to be the little gray ones, about four feet tall,” he said. (Whatever happened to the little green ones?)

Peckman, who is proposing the creation of an Extraterrestrial Affairs Commission in Denver, believed to be the first of its kind. (I find that rather shocking.)

“You could see them blink as they looked in a window and panned a room,” Peckman, 54, said. (Blink or wink? Maybe they thought you were cute. Wink-wink, nudge-nudge, know what I mean-know what I mean?)

“After seeing that, it was very clear that it’s not rumor, it’s not speculation, but these extraterrestrials do exist.” (God didn't make little green aliens ... and it doesn't rain on Andromeda in the summertime.)

He spent several minutes talking about UFOs landing in Los Angeles and how the federal government has tried to conceal their existence. (He was only allowed his obligatory fifteen minutes.)

Peckman completed one of the first steps of the initiative process Thursday by meeting with city officials for a “review and comment” hearing. (Who's going to get the contract for the tie-in products?)

Peckman is sponsoring an initiative that would require the city to create an ET Commission tasked with “dealing with issues related to the presence of extraterrestrial beings on Earth.” (Will the problem of illegal aliens ever be solved?)

Peckman said he wants to get the initiative on the fall ballot. Peckman said he is “absolutely committed.” (He should be - absolutely committed.)

If Peckman has his way, Denver voters will have a chance to say whether they, too, believe that there is intelligent life outside Earth and whether the city should prepare for close encounters of the alien kind. (The real question should be whether or not there is any intelligent life on earth.)

“If it doesn’t get on the ballot in November, we’re OK with that because it would give us a longer period to educate the public about the issues that are part of this reality,” he said. (Not to mention that it would also give the production unit more time to start working on the sequel.)

-Above (except for italicized asides) is from a Scripps Howard wire service release.

-Following (except for italicized asides) is from The Rocky Mountain News.

Peckman, 54, who is single and lives with his parents, has submitted to the city a draft of the proposed ordinance, which would require the creation of an Extraterrestrial Affairs Commission. (Perhaps they have been letting him watch too much television.)

"I certainly believe that they visit somewhat frequently," he said. "I don't know that they're walking around the streets - others might disagree with that. But they do seem to have made their presence known all over the world to a lot of people." (All this time I thought they were Jehova's Witnesses.)

Peckman hopes to collect enough signatures - he needs about 4,000 - to get the proposed initiative on the November ballot. (Hmmm, just in time for the book signing?)

"It is important because if you're driving down the highway and you saw a crash of a small spaceship and a car or a bus full of kids, you really wouldn't know what to do," Peckman said Thursday. (Cite the aliens for reckless flying?) (I see cars and buses full of children all the time - and not once have they said to me, "Take me to your leader!")

"Do you wait for the hazardous materials experts to show up because of potential contaminants from another solar system? What do you do? People really don't know." (Every time I've encountered five-alarm chili, not once has a Haz-Mat team shown up.)

Peckman said the proposed initiative is "a shortcut to disclosure of the knowledge of extraterrestrial beings on Earth and interacting with people on Earth." He said he has never seen an space alien, but that he has seen evidence proving that they exist. (I'm sold. Everyone knows that video cannot be faked or altered.)

It's a shame I don't live in Denver and had a chance to sit in on that ET Commission. I have a few questions I'd like to hear Mr. Peckman address.

“When did they take you off your medication?”

"How are we supposed to deal with extraterrestrial aliens when we can't stop earth-bound aliens from crossing the border from Mexico?"

"Will our product manuals now include instructions in Vulcan, Klingon and Andorian too?"

"Since we do not yet have a Federation of Planets, a Star Fleet Command, or Starship captains like James Tiberius Kirk, just how will our society deal with the inevitable inter-extraterrestrial relationships?"

"Why should be forming this commission anyway? Isn't the problem of illegal space aliens already being handled by The Men in Black?"

"Will these aliens also be eligible for existing benefits such as unemployment, welfare and social security without having paid into them?"

"Did I already ask when they took you off your medication?"

"Which made you cry more, when they shot Old Yeller or when Darth Vader died?"

As for me, I believe there is intelligent life out there somewhere. I would find it disturbing to learn that humans are the only intelligent beings in the universe.

I suppose it is possible that beings from space may have visited our planet at one time or another. More than likely if they had been here, they would have sent a message back to the home world: "Cancel the invasion. Peckman is on to us!"

No.1349

Echoes of Eddie -20

Can a dead man reach out from the grave to exact revenge against those responsible for his death? Welcome to the twentieth installment of a story that explores that possibility. If you've not done so, read the story from the beginning HERE.

Dobbs was wearing a mask of guilt. No matter how hard he tried to convince himself that he was in no way responsible for the deaths of those young men and women, he felt he was not altogether blameless. How could he have known that the story he'd fabricated about a floating blue light would have manifested itself in such a way that nearly everyone in Soddy-Daisy were claiming to have seen it?

It was maddening. Both Agnes and Mildred had been claiming they'd even been in contact with Eddie. It must have been too much for poor Mildred Nolan, for she had grown ill before finally lapsing into a coma.

According to Agnes she had on more than one occasion spoken to Eddie's spirit. She claimed that "Eddie" was upset and had complained because he had not been buried in his favorite suit. He had told her that he hated the black suit they had put on his body. To Dobbs he'd found her most recent claims to be perplexing. She'd told him how Steven had found Eddie's glasses near the bridge, but then they had disappeared. They were missing from Eddie's desk where she'd put them.

It was becoming more and more apparent to him that the sins of the past had come back to haunt the Cooper and Nolan families. Then there was he. Smack in the middle of all those sins was he, Samuel Nolan.

He looked into the lot and stared for a moment at the car he had just towed there. He shook his head in silent remorse. He could see the blood on the windshield and he could not shake the image of the car's blood-soaked interior. He pulled the gate doors together and inserted the padlock into the links of the heavy chain.

A sense of urgency came over him once he was in his car speeding toward the site of the old quarry ... and the cemetery. Hopefully, he thought, the rocky ground was making Hunter Jameson's chore difficult. He pressed his foot heavier onto the accelerator. He could not allow that grave to be opened.


Steve lifted his head from the silent prayer he'd been saying for his mother. He looked upon her peaceful form. With a finger he wiped away a tear from the corner of his eye. He leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead.

"I love you, Mom," he whispered.

Catherine stood up from the hallway seat when Steve emerged from their mother's hospital room. She had stepped outside to allow her brother a private visit with her. They hugged briefly.

Steve had offered to give her a lift home, but she had turned down him down stating that she was going to stay with their mother a while longer. It was a white lie, but she didn't want him know that she was going to be picked up by Marjorie and her date. Also, she couldn't risk Steve knowing who would be with Marjorie. More importantly, Steve couldn't know that they too were going to be at the quarry at six o'clock.

She waited until he had boarded the elevator before she put on her coat. She looked into the room and whispered to her unresponsive mother, "Love you, Mom. See you later."


Hunter slammed the spade onto the ground in disgust. For the last hour, with every thrust of the shovel into the grave he had struck nothing but large stones. He was perspiring profusely and every muscle in his body was aching. Not accustomed to physical labor, large blisters had formed on his callous-free hands. He had, however, managed to excavate to the point that he was shoulder deep into the grave.

He glanced at his watch to see that it was 5:15. Their meeting had been set for six. He took a deep breath and reached for the pick axe. He figured he had forty-five minutes to finish the task at hand before the gang ... what was left of them ... would show up over at the quarry.

He was about to swing the heavy tool over his head when he thought heard something above him. He paused and held his breath, listening. He shrugged his shoulders and readied the pick ax again. There was another sound somewhere beyond the rim of the grave. "Hello? Who's there?" he shouted.

There was a shuffling of heavy feet upon the ground beyond his line of sight. He froze when a voice spoke out, "Hey buddy. Need some help?"


The time was growing short she thought. Soon all of the principals would be together in one place for the first time in ten years. There were ten of them who had gathered at the quarry the night her brother had fallen to his death. There were ten of them who had made their unholy pact that night. They had all pledged a vow of silence about what had really happened. Even Steve, as much a victim as Eddie had been, had agreed to go along. So it was that they'd all established alibis that had placed themselves somewhere else.

Unknown to them, those ten weren't the only ones to witness what had happened that night. She had been there, as had Catherine. She had learned later that two others had also been present from another vantage point.

She and Catherine had once sat and talked with one another. They had both lamented over the deaths of their respective brothers. Then one day, from the sad tales they'd exchanged about their shared losses, they'd each learned that they had far more in common. They were related. They were sisters!

"Are you all right, Marjorie?" he said from behind the wheel. "You're awfully quiet."

Her thoughts broken she looked over at him and smiled, "Yes, I'm fine. I was just wondering what's going to happen tonight."

He nodded and said, "Well, it's all going to depend on how everyone concerned can handle the truth. It won't be easy for those who are going to learn that their whole lives have been lies."

She shifted in the seat feeling uncomfortable being confined by the restraints of the seat and shoulder belts. "I'm glad I know the truth," she said, "I don't think I can deal with anymore new truths about my own life."

His demeanor was stoic as he saw the turnoff just ahead. In a way he felt sorry for her. It was regrettable, but necessary that he had been leading her on and withholding certain facts. She was in love with him and lately she'd been pressing him for their relationship to move on to one more physical and intimate. There was yet one more truth for her to learn, a truth that would hurt her. He could not sleep with her - not with his sister.

She sighed and took hold of his hand, "I'm so glad we found each other, David."


"Who in the hell are you?" Hunter shouted again to whomever was up there. It was past dusk and in the near darkness he could only barely make out a human shape standing above him. The formed appeared almost gossamer, blue tinged.

"Let me help, won't you?" the voice said.

He didn't see the large stone falling toward him. He fell backward from the impact of it against his forehead. The back of his head then struck another large stone partially buried within the depths of the grave. He tried to speak, to cry out but could not. To his silent horror cascading sheets of earth began to fall onto him.

(to be continued... Echoes of Eddie -21.

No.1348