Fetching Shower

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My wife awoke me Sunday morning because it was a big day.

...."After your coffee," she said, "You need to get out of those clothes, take a shower and get ready for Gretchen's shower."

As I was finishing my coffee I could hear the shower running. Dressed in my flip-flops and a grin, I went into the bathroom. I could see her through the semi-transparent shower curtain. I was thinking of just the two of us in the shower. Close to each other. Lathering each other.

It just so happens that for moments like that, man comes equipped with a handy built-in soap-on-a-rope holder. Fetching showers are fun! Under the shower spray we cheerfully go about fetching this, fetching that, or fetching one of those.

The conversation is light, sensual in nature and about he subject(s) at hand. "Why, yes. I am glad to see you. All of you. Why do you ask?" Hmm, talk about grabbing the bull by the horn! It's kind of hard to do your own thing without bumping into each others' things. But then again - who was being careful? I made a mental note to myself to remember to give the hostess a generous tip!

Suddenly the lathering and fetching came to an end! She protested, "No. No, not a fetching shower!" She was adamant and added, "We have to get ready for a wedding shower. Gretchen's shower!"

It was the antithesis of an epiphany. Not only were my spirits dashed, they came crashing down! The final blow - the soap-on-a-rope falling onto the floor. The holder was pointing to where it fell.

Sometimes we hear what we want to hear.

No.300

What's On The Hoss Channel?

The latest buzz around the blogosphere is the new cable offering, Old Hoss Channel. It's much ballyhooed launch date is fast approaching. The brains behind the new channel has hinted at the possible programming we may see, but he has not offered any concrete schedule.
....The Pointmeister has called in some favors, and here for the first time anywhere is a synopsis of the programs that will be aired opening night.

6PM- Bullshit The Nation: A provocative slant on American politics. A frank and honest question and answer hour as the host, Old Hoss himself, pulls no punches as he interviews in depth prominent political personalities.



7PM- The Secret Life of the Dung Beetle: What do these janitors of the desert do after work? An intriguing look at these marvelous creatures, as the Old Hoss cameras follow them after a day of harvesting dung. Old Hoss gives the straight poop on this little known aspect of Mother Nature. He could not keep his promise that there would be no bullshit in this soon-to-be classic.


8PM- Nude Beaches of America: Old Hoss follows those who worship the sun wearing only a tan. Closeup interviews with several nudists as they frolic unashamed. Will Old Hoss bare it all and cavort with the natives at Horsetail Beach? One question on the mind of the viewers will be answered: With all that nudity, is there ever any hanky-panky? It must be hard to avoid getting a little excited.


9PM- Evolution: Where Do We Go From Here: Through the eons life has adapted to its ever changing environment. Life began in the sea, until that dramatic moment in time that a daring creature crawled onto land for the first time. Through the millennia life has taken on many shapes and sizes. Old Hoss gives us an unabashed look at where we came from and where we are headed. Will we crawl back into the sea that gave us birth? Or does evolution have another grand design that will take us to a higher plane of existence? Or have we already reached the zenith of our development? Old Hoss discusses the possibility that perhaps man is on the threshold of taking a step aside as another creature rises to the top? Could insects rule the world next? Could a common grub one day become President?

10PM- Michael Jackson: His Latest Operation: In an exclusive interview Jacko explains why he finally took that final step to complete his own personal evolution. His opening remark to Old Hoss makes this scathing one-on-one program must-see-TV! Jackson: Do you think I'm showing too much cleavage? Old Hoss: I didn't notice. When asked if he would be changing his name, Jackson said, "Yes. I was also fond of Bambi." Mark your calendars, this is one interview that Larry King and Barbara Walters wanted. You don't want to miss this one.

11PM- New Terrorism Statue: Controversy: Be among the first to witness the unveiling of this controversial statue dedicated to America's fight against terrorism. See an angry Osama bin Laden tell of his torture while posing for the statue. It was not what he expected when he asked his captors to set up an appointment at the Proctology Institute. One can almost feel sorry for him as he relates of his inability to sit for a week. Nah!! Old Hoss had to ask, "Why'd they use such a skinny flagpole?" An anonymous General reports that the model for the statue was to have originally been Sadam Hussein, but it was discovered that he actually enjoyed the session. "Now we couldn't have a smiling statue, could we?" said the General.
...."That's one kick-ass statue," says Old Hoss. "It is rumored that Preparation H paid a hefty $1,000,000 to sponsor the statue," he adds. Old Hoss relates the story of how our forces once had Osama captured. After getting flag-f**ked, the U.S. troops were ordered to let him go. Old Hoss tells us that ever since, Osama has remained hidden in his cave in Afghanistan. "That's one A-rab that's not only afraid to show his face, but is more afraid to show his ass!"

This has been an exclusive preview of the up-coming The Old Hoss Channel. Watch your TV listings for further details.
-The Pointmeister

No.299

Subterfuge

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There have been no shadowy figures lurking in the alleyways. No addresses have been under surveillance. There has been no wire-tapping. No one's phone has been bugged. There have been no cars following other cars. There has been little chance that any actions could cause an international incident or affect national security.
....That doesn't mean that there hasn't been a veil of secrecy encompassing the last several weeks. The measures taken to maintain that secrecy, however, would be envied by both the CIA and the FBI. But it has been an unorthodox "overt covertness" that has been utilized most effectively. The results of all those efforts will come to fruition tomorrow, Sunday afternoon.
....It hasn't been easy. It's never easy to keep a shower secret from a bride-to-be. I'm sure many of you, especially mothers, can concur on that. Oh, our daughter knows something is up. She knows there will be a shower, but she just doesn't know when or where.
....In an incident that has become known as the "When Pigs Fly Affair," post no.224 in the July archives, my daughter learned that the Wedding Shower was in the planning stages. A disgruntled Maid of Honor, documented in The Honey-Doings series in June and July, soon became a discharged Maid of Dishonor.
....That's all behind us now. Except for a few last minute details, the shower goes off tomorrow at 2pm. Did I just say a few last minute details? "Few" is in the eye of the reader. But to the "few-detail-doers," a few can be a lot! Let's see, this afternoon while my wife is baking, making an English Trifle, and generally organizing everything that has to be done, I will be on the other side of town to pick up a finger-sandwich platter and salad at a deli-shop, picking up fresh strawberries from a produce store on another side of town, and finally getting to my barber shop to have my ears lowered on still another side of town. Now, those are the last minute details for today.
....Tomorrow morning will be reserved for the last of the few remaining details. I have to load seven boxes, each holding what will be placed on each of the seven tables, such as centerpieces, plastic-ware, cups, napkins, etc. Next, I have to pick up the food being supplied by a restaurant between 11:30-11:45am. Then I am charged with dropping off that stuff at the hall, which will not be available until noon. If all is well, members of the wedding party and others will be there to start setting up everything. I then have to drive a couple of towns over to pick up an order of balloons. I understand that there will be seven helium-filled balloons of Winnie the Pooh and Tigger, each of which will be about 24 inches tall. I am concerned how I am going to accomplish this feat, because I have a small truck with a small cab. Driving might be difficult at best unless I can figure out how to keep them from drifting in my field of vision. I'll figure out something.
....I imagine that when I arrive back at the hall with the balloons, the place will be a beehive of active but frantic disorganized organization! The tensions and anguish hopefully will be abated by the time the 2pm deadline arrives. Everyone should be relaxed by the time the guests of honor get there. Hopefully.

Gretchen, my daughter, and Scott, her fiance', by the way think they are coming to a birthday party being held by her mother-in-law for her sister. Coincidently, there actually is a birthday party for the sister of the mother-in-law, who just happens to live next door to the hall. Of course, both of them think that we also have been invited to the party, and as such the presence of our vehicles will raise no flags. Are you following all of this?
....There is another interesting coincidence in that the names of the streets that we live on, the street where the hall is located, as well as the house of the aforementioned mother-in-law are the same - Preston Street. The only difference is that we live in a different city. Part of the ongoing subterfuge has been the use of Preston St. as a code word in conversations that Gretchen might hear.
....All of the seven boxes, as well as some gifts, have been "hidden" on the porch in trash bags. The stuff on the porch, when she asked about it, was explained as old clothing and articles that I would be taking to the Salvation Army and Goodwill locations in behalf of my clients. The free use of Preston Street in conversation and the trash bags are just a couple of the "overt covertness" activities we have been employing. Hidden, but yet right out in the open. Tomorrow at 2pm we will learn just how covert all of our openness has been.
....A posting of the celebration and how it went will be forthcoming.

(Gulp! I just had a terrible thought! Wouldn't it be just awful if my daughter decided to sit down and visit my site between now and tomorrow afternoon?)

No.298

No Stone Unturned

You know, when I think of a rolling stone, the first thing that comes to mind is not of Mick, Keith, Ron and Charlie, and it is not of Bob Dylan's song either.

No, the first image I see is that of Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford) running from that giant rolling stone in the opening sequence of The Raiders of the Lost Ark. (The little black & white to the right seems fitting too.)

As the old adage goes, "A rolling stone gathers no moss," but The Rolling Stones have been amassing a lot green for four decades. Ron Woods, Charlie Watts, Keith Richards and of course, Mick Jagger, will be invading Fenway Park this weekend.

The Red Sox are the lucky ones, for they got out of town before these iconic bad boys of rock even arrived in Boston. In the shadow of the Green Monster work is well underway to construct the sound stage that will be used for the two scheduled concerts. In left field where Manny Ramirez roams, an eighty-two foot stage will dwarf the famous wall.

While the Red Sox are on the left coast playing the Angels, Friendly Fenway will be packed just the same. This is the third consecutive year that a concert has been staged there. Two years ago Bruce Springsteen rocked the old park. Last year the bizarre world of Parrot Heads took over, as Jimmy Buffet looked for his lost shaker of salt.

It seems to me that those who shell out the mega-bucks to attend the concert, will actually be getting two shows for the price of one. First and most obvious will be the Stones' belting out some of their hits. But perhaps the most interesting sights will be the paramedics swarming around the stage. Some will be ready with the wheel chairs and the walkers. Others will be standing by the numerous oxygen tanks and defribilators. Still others will be attending to the IV tubes.

Not exactly mother's little helpers are they?

No.297

Old Hoss Channel

Did anyone else out there know that old dinosaur has been holding out on us?

Apparently in another attempt to garner his pile, the venerable one has a cable channel! Could it be that the fame generated by that newspaper article has already opened a few doors for him?

The proof is in the pudding. Check out my recent post, No.294, "You Know.." Near the end of that posting there is a cartoon of a man using his remote to change channels on his TV. Watch the pictures of the TV screen that pop-up.

Did you see it? There it is that distinctive snake image. Who'd have thunk it?

Well, I do know one thing. I'm calling up my cable company to ask them to get "The Old Hoss Channel." I imagine it will probably be a premium channel. There go some more dead Presidents leaving my pocket to take up residence in Comcast's coffers.

No.296

Never Too Old

It's not always the mind that goes first.

It's not always the libido that goes.

It's not always the heart that goes.

Sometimes it's the hearing that goes first!

Celebrity Quotes on Relationships

"I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me." - Elaine Boosler

"A girl can wait for the right man, but in the meantime that doesn't mean she can't have a wonderful time with the wrong ones." - Cher

"I'm opposed to divorce. Why leave the nut you got for one you don't know." - Loretta Lynn

Heaven Is For Patriots

Osama bin Laden went to Heaven and was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped to conceive!"

....Patrick Henry then approached and punched Osama in the nose. James Madison appeared and kicked him in the shin. An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with a cane. The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and 66 early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

....Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared.

...."This is not what you promised me," Osama said to the angel.

...."Come on, Osama," the angel replied. "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven."

No.295

You Know...

You know it's time to change the water in the fish bowl when you cannot see the fish.

You know the insurance company your office chose might be a fly-by-night outfit when they send you to the airport for X-rays.

You know it's time to quit playing rightfield for your softball team when the catcher catches the the fly ball you were attempting to grab.

You know you aren't getting that modeling job when you discover your bra is on backward and nobody even noticed.

You know wife is mad at you when she substitutes Preparation H for your Viagra.

You know your wife is still mad at you when you find a cleaver and an icepick instead of a fork and knife beside your supper plate.

You know you must be getting old when you sort the junk mail and throw away the Victoria's Secret catalog, but keep the one from the Burpee Seed Company.

You know that technology is leaving you behind when it takes both you and your wife to set up the computer.

You know that when your wife answers a call from an old high school girl friend, it's doubtful that the dog chose that exact moment to chew through the telephone cord.

You know your wardrobe needs to be updated when your kids want to borrow your favorite suit jacket as part of their Halloween costumes.










You know your marriage has
lost its spark when your only competition for
your husband is on-line Klondike Solitaire!

You know you have shared too much of your husband's interests when you can name the offensive linemen for the Detroit Lions.

You know you have shared too much of your wife's interests when you can name the kinds of stitches she's using when she knits or crochets.

You know you are out of shape when you realize that the only exercise you get is changing channels on your TV set with the remote.



You know you are spending way too much time on the internet if you are actually reading his blog.


You know that you know that you actually enjoy reading this blog.


No.294

Karaoke, Carols and Karma

Overture, curtains, lights,
This is it, the night of nights,
No more rehearsing and nursing a part,
We know every part by heart.

Overture, curtains, lights,
This is it, you'll hit the heights
And oh what heights we'll hit
On with the show, this is it.

Tonight what heights we'll hit
On with the show, this it.


Thanks to John, I was inspired for something to write about tonight. I think there is a little bit of an entertainer in all of us. Of course, what is entertaining to the performer is not necessarily so to the audience. There are many forms of entertainment, and certainly blogging can be entertaining. At least when I choose to, or attempt to entertain with my blogging, only cyber tomatoes can be thrown at me.

The above cartoon, as it turns out apropos, was found while I was on an I.P. cruise on the net. Image Pilfering, as I refer to it, not only provides me with an excuse to surf, but also enhances my postings by offsetting the less than stellar verbiage. Thus, if my posts fail to evoke amusement on the part of the readers, I can always blame the GIF (Get Images Free) and the site where I lifted them.

When his children were younger John used to sing his "oldies" songs to them when they went on trips. Of course they didn't know the songs, and the fact that they enjoyed his renditions is as much a tribute to his operatic voice as to the staying power of the songs themselves. The music of the 60s was noted for a plethora of one-hit-wonders. As it turns out, I too used to sing my favorite tunes to my daughter.

As for myself, I cannot carry a tune in a lead bucket. People like me are said to be tone deaf or having a tin ear. I had a Rin Tin Tin ear, because when I attempted to sing, the dogs in the neighborhood would soon provide accompaniment. "Ladies and Gentlemen, live and on stage from the backwoods and boondocks of West Virginia, here is Mike with his backup singers The Beagles." Thank you, thank you very much. Don't applaud - throw money!

The owner of a bar in the Financial District of downtown Boston, once said of me after I had taken the stage on Karaoke Night, "I'd want that man in a fox hole with me." George got as many laughs as I had. He later bought me a drink and said to me that he admired my courage for getting up there. My rousing version of Tommy James and the Shondelles' I Think We're Alone Now did not exactly merit a recording contract. My next sojourn on the stage was better received. Apparently Tommy Roe's Sweet Pea fit my voice range better, because a girl across the bar sent me a drink. She later even put in a request for me to sing Peggy Sue, the Buddy Holly hit.

The following Wednesday night when I dropped into the place, George greeted me with a pair of replica WWII infantry helmets. For about ten minutes the two of sat at the bar looking like G.I. Joes on furlough. To my surprise, both of us still wearing the helmets, he coaxed me into joining him on the stage for a duet of Barry Saddler's The Green Beret. I was hooked from that point on, I became a Karaoke junkie. Eventually and after much practice in the shower, I was able to offer a decent rendition of Then You Can Tell Me Goodbye by The Casinos. It seems funny to me now that that song became my "signature" song on the Karaoke circuit.

All of that is behind me now, and I no longer drink and haven't in ten years. One thing I did vow was that I would never listen to a tape of myself. For some reason, not unbeknownst to me, I did not want to hear me sing a single note, let alone an entire song. To this day, I never did.

Should the day ever come, that for whatever reason, you should be in need of someone to be in a fox hole with you, I'm your man. I'm there.

No.293

Blogger Computer Toons

Half asleep, or is it half awake? Standing before the
computer, Mike pondered what he could write about
today, while he waited for his "high-speed" line to
connect him to his Web Site. The piping hot coffee was
downloading faster than his Web Page was uploading. He
decided that he might as well get dressed while the drive
worked as fast as the speed of light.




Unfortunately, the second cup of Joe tasted like crap!














Revived by the miracle of a hot shower and a fresh pot of coffee, his fingers began to dance upon the keyboard.















Then it happened! The servor crashed! Everything he had been working on was lost. He would have to start over.





















Thinking he had at last recovered everything, he waited for the computer to confirm. He did not like the message that appeared on his screen!















It was time for another cup of Columbian Mud!









That was the day that Mike decided he needed to upgrade his system

.


Little did he know that his new system was powered by lightning! He had unwittingly awakened Frankenputer.





Legend has it that the monster was actually gentle as a kitten and the too began to blog successfully happily thereafter.

No.292

Old-Fashioned Gold Digger

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Just an old-fashioned love song playin' on the radio

And wrapped around the music is the sound

Of someone promising they'll never go

.

What do think of public service speeches for a fee? If that person really cared about the people they are speaking to, why wouldn't they offer to do it for free? If the person at the podium once had the same problem as those in the audience, does it make them the ideal speaker?

.

You swear you've heard it before

As it slowly rambles on

No need in bringin' `em back,`

Cause they're never really gone

.

Does the fact that the speaker was a dumb gullible blonde bimbo, qualify her to offer advice to help other women to bounce back from their hardships? Because she has been there and done that?

.

Just an old-fashioned love song

One I'm sure they wrote for you and me

Just an old-fashioned love song

Comin' down in 3-part harmony

.

Her purpose maybe could be considered noteworthy if the audience were also gullible blonde bimbos. Did all those women in her audiences get involved with a married man also? "Oh, I didn't know he was married. He didn't tell me he was married." Duh! "He wasn't wearing a wedding band!" Of course not!

.

To weave our dreams upon and listen to each evening

When the lights are low

To underscore our love affair

With tenderness and feeling that we've come to know

.

Of course, plenty of men play these games. But they are like big-game hunters, they know what they are looking for and the habits of their prey. (He wasn't wearing a wedding ring?) You are exactly the kind of bimbo he is after!

.

You swear you've heard it before

As it slowly rambles on and on and

No need in bringin' `em back,

`Cause they're never really gone

.

Have you checked up on Amber Frey lately? Talk about a gold digger! It seems the girl has become an expert of sorts. She is on the circuit of motivational speakers now. (Move over Suze.) Her speeches are going to help the women, victims like herself, to bounce back from their rough times.

.

Just an old-fashioned love song

Comin' down in 3-part harmony

Just an old-fashioned love song

One I'm sure they wrote for you and me

.

From gullible mistress to a murder trial witness to a self-help guru - only in America, the land of opportunity, could the Amber Freys of the world heal themselves and venture out on a crusade to save her sisters.

.

Just an old-fashioned love song

Comin' down in 3-part harmony

.

For a nominal fee of $19.99, Amber will offer her voice of experience. The sad thing in all of this, women are actually forking over their cash! Twenty bucks a pop! Didn't she make a sweet enough deal on the book? Or is this a gimmick to boost book sales?

.

Just an old-fashioned love song

One I'm sure they wrote for you and me

.

Her paramour was no prize for sure, but she isn't wasn't exactly a pillar of integrity herself. I think that instead of receiving a check, she is dire need of a reality check!

.

To weave our dreams upon and listening to a song . .

.

No.291

Unarmed Robbery

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I decided to check my lottery numbers this morning. What a strange combination of numbers I thought as I scanned the posted numbers: 271, 278, and 285. I was about to throw away my losing tickets when I realized that those weren't lottery numbers!

I was looking at the updated Bush Index. Those numbers were the latest prices per gallon of gasoline! With a barrel of crude oil surging toward $70, the national average for a gallon of regular unleaded gasoline is $3.63!

I was at one of those get-off-your-ass-and-pump-your-own-while-I-sit-in-here-on-mine-and-collect-your-money combination mini-mart and gas stations run by Ahab, who gets his gas from a brother who is married to the daughter of a used camel salesman, who as it happens owns several of those get-off-your-ass-and-pump-your-own-while-I-sit-in-here-on-mine-and-collect-your-money combination mini-mart and gas stations.

I had stopped there to get a can of Coke Classic, a Ring Ding, and the morning edition of the Boston Herald newspaper. A man must have himself a substantial breakfast at least twice a day. It was after I'd checked the lottery numbers that I officially could toss out my losing lottery slips.

The headlines on the front echoed the signs outside. GAS IS SKY HIGH said the headline. Well, it didn't really say it, headlines cannot talk. The first paragraph confirmed what I had already known. Gasoline prices will continue to rise, and economic experts predict it may will top $5 a gallon! A lot of people picked the wrong time to buy Hummers, SUVs, and anything with more than one cylinder for that matter. When it costs me $30 to mow my lawn, I'm buying a billy-goat!

Leading the charge to post the new higher prices are, of course, those get-off-your-ass-and-pump-your-own-while-I-sit-in-here-on-mine-and-collect-your-money combination mini-mart and gas stations. As I was driving away, I saw a man carrying a 5-gallon gas can walking in the direction of that station. (Bet you thought I was going to type in all that hyphenated stuff again, didn't you?) The poor devil must have run out of gas, I thought. He'd be lucky if five gallons would give him enough to drive to the next one of those get-off-your-ass-and-pump-your-own-while-I-sit-in-here-on-mine-and-collect-your-money combination mini-mart and gas stations.

Here's some food for thought for you to chew on: Do people realize that they are paying about $80 a gallon for a Grande Coffee Frappacino ? Could it be that Starbucks is the holding company for these gas stations? (Just poking some fun at_________. Fill in the blank.)

No.290

Menefreghista

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Today I've found myself in a cantankerous rather than creative mood. No particular reason. I hadn't been in a cantankerous mood in such a long time, I thought I'd try it today. Just like riding a bicycle - with the seat missing! I've gotta get off my sore arse and buy a seat for that bike. But then again, what fun would it be to get cantankerous? The more I think of it, I don't particularly like riding that bike. I was pedaling for twenty minutes and the scenery was so boring! I swear , it felt like I was the same corner of the room that I started out in. I never did catch up to that dry sink across the room. I guess I am out of shape even though I didn't even break out in to a sweat.

I even broke out that GIF of the biker again. I guess I was too cantankerous to surf for some other image to plunder. I think someone should tell him that it isn't wise to ride a bike when you are drunk! If you're gonna get drunk, take the car! That bike doesn't have air bags or seat belts. Ever hit a pothole on one of those? If your in the mood to sing like Frankie of the 4 Seasons, then by all means a couple of potholes will have you doing a perfect rendition of Big Girls Don't Cry, especially if you have no seat.

I did a little sneaking around the blogosphere today to see what I could plagiarize. Old Hoss might have finally hit upon the schtick that'll earn him that long awaited pile. He thinks it'd be a good idea to start a camp for the kiddies up in the Cascades. He would teach 'em to cook fried eggs. But he forgot one thing, it wouldn't be much of a camp if they didn't at least learn how to short-sheet. That's camping 101, Hoss.

Scnoodlepooh continues to post some pics of the pets. She has one of the best looking blogs around. Well, I think it was her. Hard to tell with those Foster Grants on. We finally got some relief from the heat today. We had a nasty bout of thunder and lightning this afternoon. And did we ever get some long over due rain. If Peg had been around here, her menagerie would have grown expotentially, because it sure did rain cats and dogs! Yeah, I recycled that pic of the tree in the rain again.

When the going gets rough, the rough get going. Take
Aral for instance, carpal tunnel wrists and a team made up of half lesbians and half straights. Make that half of the team is one and half is the other. Beyond that she paints and blogs too!

I learned a little about his adventures with e-mail, gmail, hotmail and webmail.
John surmised in the end you get what you pay for!

I found a site today that truely depicts a person with way too much time on her hands. Check out
Miss McDonald. Her visitors and their comments are worth the price of the ticket alone.

I thought the picture above and to the right was great! My daughter sent it to me attached to an e-mail.

I finally posted the next installment of my not-so-short short story. The plot sickens, er thickens. I've been in a little, no a lot, of a crossroad with the story. Writing in installments has had its traps for me. I have to keep going back to what has been posted to make sure that the elements of the plot are not askew. The action will be picking up starting in the next posting, The Firth of Fourth. Catchy title, eh?

For laughs, over at Yahell (Yahoo) I opened up another blog site. For the most part Footloose And Fantasy Free will be devoted to my passion for Fantasy Football. The season will be starting soon. Indeed, pre-season exhibition games are being played already. I will post other things there as well, mainly stuff that I don't wish to post here for any number of reasons. Material more of an adult nature will go over there. I'll keep this site as close to clean as I can. Don't get me wrong, it is not and will not be an adult site - no porn - maybe off-color material - but no porn.

I am now feeling less cantankerous. The title of this post, by the way can be used instead of cantankerous. It is an Italian word which roughly means "he who doesn't give a shit!" It can be used as meaning a devil may care attitude. When talking of governments, we often hear the term lais' sez faire , wherein they let the people act without interference. I guess you could say such a government is being cantankerous in a menefreghista way.

No.289

Easy To Be Hard

.

You need only to pick up a newspaper. You need only to watch the news on TV. You need only to listen to the news on the radio....

....Angry father in argument over the TV remote, walks out and sets house on fire. His wife and three kids die in the fire.

How can people be so heartless
How can people be so cruel
Easy to be hard, easy to be cold

13-year-old teen kills Grandmother over curfew. Brother say his sister wanted stay out until midnight, but his Grandmother told her to be in by eleven. The girl then struck the 82-year-old woman several times with a fireplace poker.

How can people have no feelings
How can they ignore their friends
Easy to be proud, easy to say no

Mourning father of son killed in Afghan by roadside bombing, forces another car off the road. He pulls out a pistol and shoots and kills a 33-year-old mother of three. His reason? The woman's car had a bumper sticker that said "Vote Bush."

Especially people who care about strangers
Who care about evil and social injustice
Do you only care about bleeding crowd
How about a needing friend, I need a friend

When informed by his 18-year-old mistress that she was pregnant with his child, a 40-year-old off-duty police officer runs the woman down in deserted parking lot.

How can people be so heartless
You know I'm hung up on you
Easy to be proud, easy to say no

Man shoots convenience store clerk who refuses to accept $100 bill for the purchase of a 75 cent can of cola.

Especially people who care about strangers
Who care about evil and social injustice
Do you only care about bleeding crowd
How about a needing friend, we all need a friend

13-year-old girl stabs a 15-year-old boy because he refused her offer to perform oral sex on him. She had just performed the act on three other boys. The girl claimed she had to have oral sex with ten boys that day before she would be accepted into a friendship group with classmates.

How can people be so heartless
How can people be so cruel
Easy to be proud, easy to say no
Easy to be cold, easy to say no

A 17-year-old basketball player ties up his teacher, 31, with duct tape and then sodomizes her in front of class because she was going to fail him. Failing the class would have made him ineligible for the team. He told the teacher that if she flunked him, she would get more of the same until she passed him.

Come, on, easy to give in, easy to say no
Easy to be cold, easy to say no

Much too easy to say no

This is probably a sad and disturbing way to incorporate a very good Three Dog Night song into a posting, but the above snippets all appeared in recent newspaper on the same day, and the words to the song somehow seemed to be appropriate. It's a maddening sick world. Any song I chose would be tainted by the news nowadays.

No.287

Flies Off The Wall

Ain't science wonderful!?

Imagine being able to party all night long without getting drunk! Imagine waking up after a night of partying without a hangover!

Don't laugh, it might not be so far-fetched. It could happen someday, and you can thank the common fruit fly! Nick-named the "hangover gene," researchers have discovered the gene in an unusual study of drunken fruit flies. The gene helps build a tolerance to booze. The scientists suspect that similar version functions in humans as well.

In the journal, Nature, scientists reported the have uncorked a new understanding of alcoholic dependence. Because of the gene, greater amounts of alcohol are needed before intoxication can take effect. Apparently the gene also aids in building up an intolerance to alcohol.

Henrike Scholz, a behavioral geneticist at the University of California at San Francisco as well as the University of Wurzburg in germany, headed up the study. "The first beer makes you really drunk," he said. "The next time in the same pub with your friends, you might drink two beers to achieve the same effect."

The hangover gene, which is also involved in responding to stress, appears to start ramping up tolerance after the initial exposure to alcohol, the researchers found. They suspect t hat a mutant form of the gene might explain how those with a low tolerance can generally feel tipsy after just one drink, while others can consume more.

And just how did those fruit flies get drunk enough to be studied? (Maybe they extended happy hour?) The scientists pumped ethanol vapor into their cages. They then gauged how straight they flew.

When they weren't looking, I slipped into their lab. With the aid of a magnifying glass I studied those little buggers. It was like a busy freeway in their cages. I noticed curious activity in one cage in particular. A fruit fly officer on a motorcycle had pulled over a couple of speeders. I thought it was a bit curious that scientists could simply look into the cages and to be able to confirm that they were drunk. They had to have a few flies on the payroll. Yup, the cop flies were on the take.

Sure enough, there was the cop fly administering a breathalizer test on one of the speeders on the spot. My questions were answered. The cops were supplying the results of the breathalizer tests to the scientists! Of course there was way that the flies are going to get any credit for their assistance. Then again, what could a fruit fly hope to do with a Nobel Prize anyway?

Ain't science wonderful?

No.286

It Wasn't Just A Movie?

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-Associated Press:
Researchers at the University of Maryland in Baltimore are dishing up the perfect conundrum for vegetarians - meat grown in a laboratory dish, not on the hoof. The researchers say that the technology exists now to produce processed meats such as burgers and sausages, starting with cells taken from cows, chickens, pigs or fish. It would be years, however, before laboratory-raised meat hits the stores.

Growing meat in labs would obviously reduce the need for actual animals, as well as reduce farm-related environmental ills. Such cultured meat could also be tailored to be healthier.

British biologist, Brian J. Ford said, "Public acceptance of meat substitutes such as quorn, a cultured fungus, shows that the time for cultured tissue is near. Techniques for engineering muscle cells have been developed for medical use. Thus researchers are looking into growing edible muscle cells. While early products would probably resemble nuggets, the technology to produce something like a steak, pork chop or chicken breast is still quite away off."

Funny, but I cannot seem to shake the image of Charlton Heston lying on top of that truck carrying the dead into the plant to be processed into the world's food supply -- Soyent Green!

No.285

Ablogalypse Now

.
" I love the smell of gasoline in the morning," said Mac the gas station owner as he pumped the gas. His quip did not find an amused ear. Mac has been pumping my gas for years.
...."You sure you aren't pumping something else, like apple cider into my tank, Mac?" I asked trying to counter his line.
....He laughed and was quick with a comeback, "Drink a gallon of that stuff and you know what you'll get?" he asked me dead-pan serious.
...."Cider?" I answered.
...."Gas, man!" he replied. "You know, runs!"
....(Groan!)
....I left the gas station $31.00 short of enough to buy lunch. Mac was okay. He had to pay more for his gas from the distributor, thus he had to charge more at the pump. I didn't begrudge him that, but did he have to be so damned cheerful about it?

My next stop was at an ATM. The bank calls it an Automatic Teller Machine. I call it Access To Money. When I completed my withdrawal, I was only too aware if that last check I'd written for the phone bill cleared before Friday, I would be $40 short of a $5 balance.
....Even as I was driving away, I could have sworn I had heard a voice came from the ATM chiming, "I just love the smell of over-draft charges!"

I stopped at Pete's Charcoal Pit for a burger and some fries. Now, Pete has been serving super-sized fries long before Mickie Dees ever thought of it. His serving is still larger than their's - and he uses steak fries!
I wonder, does every large city have a greasy spoon-type of restaurant named The Charcoal Pit?
....By the way, in case you ever stop at Pete's, you have to specify them to drain or not to drain the grease when you place your order. I got mine drained. The doctor across the street, pushed up his window and yelled, "I just love the sound of arteries clogging!"
....Pete said to me, "Sorry, I over-cooked your burger. Want me to put on another for ya?"
....I shook my head and replied, "That's okay. I just love the smell of charred beef."

We are in our fifth or sixth week, I've lost count, of hot, humid oppressive weather. It's not new math by any means, but it sure equates to money at home and on the road when your A/C is running almost non-stop. Let's see, hot humid weather + a/c running X the amount of gas burnt = the need for more gas. My pocket - dollars for gas = more money for Mac to run his a/c.
....I just love the sight of my fuel gauge dropping!

One of my clients had me go grocery shopping for him today. The list included his usual items: Milk of Magnesia, Polident, Jello in a six-pack, pudding in a four pack, two rolls of toilet paper, a couple of lottery tickets, a newspaper, bananas, a half-gallon of orange juice with calcium and no pulp, a jar of honey, and some unsalted peanuts. "And, oh by the way, could I make a couple of extra stops?" he asked.
....I just love getting in and out of heat to a/c, and vice versa.
...."Sure," I said. "What do you need?"
...."Two whoppers from Burger King," he said.
....That wasn't so bad, I thought. They have a drive-up. I wouldn't have to leave my truck. "What's the other stop," I asked.
...."It's right around the corner. You drive right by it." He was waiting for me to finish writing down the BK order. "I've been craving calamari for several days now. Could you pick up 2 pounds for me? And make sure it's fresh. I don't want frozen."
....On a hot day, I just love the smell of squid in the cab of my truck!

Another client, who was next on my schedule, happens to like the heat. Good for them, bad for me. You see, they do not own or want to own an air conditioner. They don't even have any fans! Like I said, bad for me.
....The perspiration flowed copiously while I was there. I cleaned the surfaces in the kitchen and swept and mopped the floor. I cleaned the bathroom. Finally I vacuumed the carpets. If it wasn't bad enough, I used about a third of a roll of paper towels in attempt to keep my forehead, neck and chest dry. The paper towels were losing. The sweat was winning.
....The paper towels might have staged a rally, but the house brought in a ringer. The family dog, which looks like a poodle-porcupine mix, had number-one'd and number-two'ed in three different places. Was any of it on the tile floor in the bathroom? Was any of it on the linoleum in the kitchen? Was any of it on the newspaper in the spare room? No. No. And no. Was it all on the carpets? A resounding yes!
....I just love the smell of doggie doo on a hot day!

The sweat had been so "generous" over my upper body that my tee-shirt had virtually become see-through. Had I been a woman, that might have been a problem. Had a woman been walking around with a transparent tee-shirt, I think it safe to say that a few heads might have been turned. My chest, however, seen through a wet tee-shirt did not beckon any scouts looking for recruits for The Chipendales.
....Although, I could have sworn one man winked at me. I just love it when a man winks at me --- NOT!!!

No.284

Listing To Starboard

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I must be just about one of the few bloggers who has not compiled a "List Of Things About Me." I suppose it is time for me to correct that oversight. It seems to be an easy enough undertaking. We shall see...

• 5 snacks I like to munch on: (1) Pop Secret Homestyle Microwave Popcorn, (2) Cheet-os, (3) Moon Pies - chocolate, (4) Cheez-its, and (5) Red seedless grapes
• 5 bands I know the lyrics to most of their songs: (1) Grass Roots, (2) Credence Clearwater Revival, (3) The Guess Who, (4) Tommy James & the Shondelles, and (5) The Beatles
• 5 things I like to do: (1) writing/blogging, (2) drawing, painting and wood crafting, (3) watching football (soon!), (4) word games and puzzles, and (5) go antique hunting
• 5 bad habits: (1) Smoking, (2) Procrastination, (3) Snacking instead of having a good meal, (4) Stopped drawing and painting, and wood crafting, and (5) Frivolous spending
• 5 locations I liked to runaway to: (1) Tahiti, (2) New Zealand, (3) Australia, (4) Barcelona, Spain, and (5) Edinburgh, Scotland
• 5 things I wouldn't get caught dead wearing: (1) thong bathing-suit, (2) spandex, (3) any T-shirt, cap promoting a consumer product, (4) flip-flops outside the house, and (5) Capri pants
• 5 things I miss from my youth: (1) my parents, (2) my grandparents' farm, (3) drive-in restaurants and movies, (4) pick-up ball games, and (5) skinny dipping
• 5 things I'd do with $100 million: (1) make sure immediate family and my siblings are taken care of, (2) retire, (3) be a philanthropist to charities, especially those for children, (4) new vehicles for family, and (5) a summer home far, far away from winter
• 5 TV shows I like (current): (1)_____, (2)_____, (3)______, (4)______, and (5)_______! (There are none whatsoever)
• 5 TV shows I like (all time): (1) Star Trek: Generations, (2) Cheers, (3) Taxi, (4) Barney Miller, and (5) All In The Family
• 5 TV shows I dislike: (1) Rosanne, (2) Everybody Loves Raymond, (3) Seinfeld, (4) Drew Carey, and (5) any so-called reality program (pick one)
• 5 Movies I like: (1) Jurassic Park, (2) Once Upon A Time In The West, (3) The Party, (4) Airplane, and (5) The Natural
• 5 Movies I disliked: (1) The Godfather, (2) Pulp Fiction, (3) Austin Powers, (4) Barry Lyndon, and (5) any remake (pick one)
• 5 Famous people I'd like to meet (living): (1) Stephen Hawking, (2) Arthur C. Clarke, (3) Stephen Spielberg, (4) Chuck Yeager, and (5) Condoleesa Rice
• 5 Famous people I'd liked to have met (deceased): (1) Jules Verne, (2) Will Rogers, Sr., (3) Mark Twain, (4) Ernest Hemingway, and (5) Ernie Pyle

Well, for now that will have to due. Cannot think of any other categories right now. I'll review others' lists and add them later on.

No.283

Color Me Confused

....
Did I get off the bus at the wrong stop? Did I miss my flight? Maybe I should have taken that right at Albuquerque after all! Then again I just might be the poster child for Irving's "Rip Van Winkle." It seems that lately I've experiencing life like Brendan Fraser's character in " Blast From The Past."
....It's as if I went to bed one night in one world, but woke up in another. I think Rod Serling has been inspired to write the script for my posting today. You know, sometimes it does seem like that sign post up ahead says "Twilight Zone."

What seems to be his major malfunction, you might be asking? Well, truth be told, it is a far cry from a major crisis that inflicts me. Indeed, it is no crisis at all! Then, what the heck am I spouting off about, you ask?

It can probably be summarily explained as that of the middle-aged doldrums, a mere case of being behind the times. Ah, so that's the rub isn't it? What is it now, you ask? Technology? Moral values? The cost of living, or the prohibitive cost of dying?

No, it's nothing as significant as those. It is certainly something that can be dealt with by going with the flow. I have just been trying to put my finger on which phase of the moon, which decade, or which man was in the White House that these things changed, no evolved.
....As some of you well know, my only daughter will be getting married in October of this year. Don't say it, I know that daughters get married all the time. Though she is special to me, and why wouldn't she be, I know that she is one of many daughters getting married every day all over the globe. It was inevitable that she'd leave home someday.

Tell me, just when did happen that wedding showers became formal affairs? When did they start renting halls for showers? Other than those in the bridal party, since when do non-family attend wedding showers? Have I been caught up in some time time vortex or something? (I could ask the same questions regarding proms too. Our proms were held in the gyms or in the auditoriums of our schools. But hotels and function halls?) I'm talking about people who are invited to the wedding, such as her boss' wife, whom she has never met attending her shower. I'm talking about the wife of the security guard at her office complex coming to the shower. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against bosses, their wives, security guards and their wives, and I do not begrudge them the right, but why would they want to come? It isn't mandatory or necessary, so why would they want to come?
....My wife submitted to me, I don't know why, the menu for this up-coming shower. For my approval? Let's see there is pot roast, scalloped potatoes, and green beans with rolls and butter. There will also be hors d'oeuvres, of course. Sure, why not? As would be suspected, except by me, there will be dessert and coffee.
....Oh yeah, how could I forget another unexpected ingredient? Me! I'm to be there too? By the way, the husbands of the wedding party and husbands of the other wives will be there too - at a wedding shower! So when I said to my wife, "Oh! It's a Jack and Jill shower. Why didn't you say so in the first place?" She responded emphatically, "No. This was nothing like a Jack and Jill shower!!" (I decided not ask what the difference might be.)
....Color me confused. Color me behind the times. Color me? Hell, throw a whole bucket of paint on me! Am I wrong, people? Is this really the way it is for all showers nowadays? Is everyone else ahead of the curve while I have stalled in the driveway?
....What ever happened to living rooms and dining rooms? What ever happened to finger sandwiches and chip and dip? Why aren't the men gathered together elsewhere, watching the ball game and staying out of the way?

Our wedding shower, as much of a surprise to my wife-to-be as it was to those in attendance, was in the basement. With table cloths covering the plywood atop a pool table, there was indeed a spread. There were four fondu pots going, (fondu was the rage then) there were five different kinds of finger sandwiches, chip and dip with homemade onion dip, and a large bowl of vodka laced with orange juice, cranberry juice and grape juice - what we called back then, punch!
....I was there, after all I was the groom-to-be, and it had been my job to keep her away from her own house until the specified hour. I was the only male there. Her father had bailed out to go clamming, leaving me in the midst of my fiancee, two of her cousins, her three aunts, two nieces, her godmother, her two sisters-in-law, four friends, and of course I dare not to forget my future mother-in-law.
....We received some nice gifts, among which were 2 bread boxes, 3 toasters, 2 blenders, 2 clock radios, (analog) some towels for the bath and kitchen, bed linen, a tire with a note 3 more were coming for her car, and finally a white satin three piece wedding night set. (I was only allowed to the see the gown. The other two pieces would not be seen until the wedding night.)
....I'm sure you really weren't interested in our wedding shower gifts anyway. I mentioned them because of the duplicates, which over the years came in handy as replacements. I must admit that my daughter's shower will be better as far as gifts are concerned. Registries! My daughter won't be getting 3 toasters, that's for sure!

Just as I am beginning to get acclimated to the concept of the modern shower, I was knocked off my feet when I brought in the mail recently.

It was an invitation to a ...Are you ready for this? ...A divorce shower!!!

(Cues up 3 Dog Night: I seen so many things I ain't seen before. Don't know what it is, I don't wanna see no more... Mama told me not to come ... Mama told me not to come...

No.282

Sexual Resolution

....The openness of sex in today's world has become a heated debate for many. Where once the practice of sex and discussion of it were kept behind closed doors, it has now become an open forum. You don't have to go far to hear about sex. Whether it is in the news, in TV programs, movies, or music, sex often has center stage.
....We are all familiar with the terms heterosexual, homosexual and bisexual. Those three have been the standards by which we have classified. However, over the years there has been a growing list of persuasions which won't fit into those categories. Perceived as fetishes and perversions by many, they are going to be popping up in the mainstream soon enough.
....The Pointmeister has taken it upon himself to delve into his infinite resources so that you the bloggers and blog readers can be brought up to date. With the following lists of sexual persuasions, perhaps you can find some resolution to the Sexual Revolution.

Normal Preferences

• Autosexual - prefers sex in back seat of cars
• Hyposexual - prefers to be on the bottom
• Monosexual - prefers sex with one partner, monogamous
• Retrosexual - prefers rear entry (doggy style)
• Solosexual - prefers sex alone, no partner
• Supersexual - prefers to be on top

Kinky (Out of the Ordinary)

• Aerosexual - is a member of the Mile-High Club
• Alphasexual - has sex with first person they meet
• Aquasexual - prefers sex in bathtubs or pools
• Carpesexual - siezes the moment to have sex
• Combosexual - has sex with one male and one female (threesome)
• Countersexual - prefers sex on kitchen counters, tabletops
• Ectosexual - prefers sex outdoors
• Heliosexual - likes sex in tanning booths
• Omegasexual - has sex with the last person they meet
• Omnisexual - will have sex anywhere, everywhere
• Patiosexual - has sex on porches, verandas on lawn furniture
• Pseudosexual - both partners have sex with clothes on (dry sex)
• Stereosexual - has sex wearing headphones listening to heavy metal
• Trisexual - has sex with two partners of opposite gender
• Trysexual - will try anything

Abnormal Preferences

• Antisexual - does not like sex
• Buysexual - pays for sex
• Cybersexual - has computer sex, usually via cams
• Enigmasexual - never knows names of partners
• Hypersexual - has overactive sex life
• Jumbosexual - prefers sex with overweight partners
• Moolahsexual - performs sex for money
• Multisexual - has many partners
• Rotosexual - prefers sex with plumbers, gets excited seeing butt cracks
• Triskadekasexual - prefers sex thirteen times a week
• Whosexual - has sex then asks for name of partner
• Videosexual - records self having sex

Weird Preferences

• Arachnisexual - has sex wearing Spiderman suit
• Archeosexual - likes sex at ruin sites
• Astrosexual - prefers sex on astro-turf
• Biosexual - uses anatomy pictures as foreplay
• Carnisexual - prefers sex with carnival workers
• Histrisexual - has partner dress up as historical figures
• Lottosexual - draws name from a hat and has sex with winner
• Paleosexual - likes sex dressed as Barney
• Pogosexual - partners bounce on pogo sticks nude - foreplay
• Pyrosexual - prefers sex in front of fireplace, campfire
• Radiosexual - likes sex near nuclear power plants
• Rectosexual - has sex only on the right side of bed
• Twistasexual - playes Twister in the nude as foreplay

Sick/Demented Preferences

• Agrisexual - has sex using vegetables and fruits
• Bonzosexual - gets sexually aroused watching Ronald Reagan films
• Bozosexual - prefers sex partners to wear clown suits
• Carnosexual - has sex while eating raw meat
• Electrosexual - likes sex with live electrodes attached to various body parts
• Equusexual - likes saddles on back while partner rides using a crop
• Harisexual - likes sex with Hari Krishnas in airports
• Hari-Karisexual - has sex with Hari Krishna then evicerates self
• Harposexual - prefers sex with mutes, will settle for mimes
• Idiosexual - prefers sex with idiots
• Jackosexual - likes sex with little boys, a pedophile
• Judosexual - uses martial arts during sex, seldom has repeat partner
• Pachysexual - wears elephant underwear and likes to swing his trunk
• Psychosexual - craves sex with crazy people, dream date would be Norman Bates
• Quasisexual - prefers sex with humpbacks

There are many more strange sexual preferences out there, The Pointmeister has only scratched the surface. He has given you a good starter list to prepare you for the day these become commonplace. What ever happened to whipped cream? If you should decide to dabble in any of the above, other than those considered normal, Point doesn't want to know. His advice is that you keep it behind closed doors.

No.281

Tuxedo Juxtaposition

We went for a tuxedo fitting yesterday. Scott the groom, and I the father of the bride, went under the chalk this afternoon. It was a simple thing. We didn't even break into a sweat. There was more effort put into the ride to Mr. Tuxit2You. More time was spent waiting for the three groups ahead of us. I had never been fitted for a suit by a woman before. I might add that I had no problem with it either. I might also add that I have never been fitted by an 18-year-old girl either, until yesterday that is.

It was a tad discerning to have the girl kneeling before me to measure my inseam. Scott seemed to be a little thrown off balance by the whole thing too. His girl was wearing a lot of cleavage when she was standing, never mind kneeling. Nonetheless, there we were, side by side. In juxtaposition to the other, we were standing in front of kneeling females measuring us!

Now don't get me wrong, there were no improprities, imagined or otherwise. I was just wondering what it may have looked like from the main entrance. We were behind saloon doors which were about twenty-four inches from the floor. An observer probably would have been curious about the two sets of men's legs visible from the knees down, and the two kneeling females visible to their midriffs.

When they were finished with us, we went to the front desk to settle the debt we had just incurred. I paid half, $60, the balance to be paid upon pickup two days before the wedding. Scott, as the groom had only to pay $25 for the accessories the bride had chosen. As we were leaving, I just had to look back in the direction of those saloon doors. Sure enough, just as I had imagined when we were behind the doors, the scene was as comical and as suggestive as a viewer allowed it to be.

You know, it would have been no different had there been men taking those measurements. Male or female, the picture it conjured needed little imagination. It would be easy to taken as sexist, but it was something you just had to see with your own eyes to appreciate.

No.279