Rear Ended

Today I was rear ended in the rear end by a rear end while taking a pee!

Okay, I'll admit that with that sentence I've taken some poetic phonetic license.

The opening statement and image would seem to imply that I was involved in a traffic accident, and that, while I was taking a leak.

Well ... not exactly.

I wasn't on a street when I was rear ended. I wasn't driving my truck when I was rear ended. I wasn't parked when I was rear ended.

I was "driving" a shopping cart through a busy thoroughfare that was actually the aisles of a supermarket.

I had stopped in front of a pyramid-stacked display of a certain kind of canned vegetables. One can of that particular vegetable was on my shopping list. At the same moment that I reached out to take one ...

I was suddenly bumped in the rear end. The force of the bump pushed me with an extended arm forward ... into the neatly stacked pyramid.

Can you say avalanche? Dozens of cans toppled, almost like a landslide, onto and off the table. The clatter of the cascading tin cans echoed as they hit the floor and rolled all over the central aisle.

I managed to turn around to see who or what had rear ended me. I had been rear ended in my own rear end by a rear end much, much larger than mine. I had been rear ended by the rear end of a woman with a very large rear end! She had stooped over, rear end in the air, instead of kneeling, to retrieve something from a bottom shelf.

The eyes of several customers and of the girls behind the cash registers were all looking in my direction. They were looking me, the cans rolling around on the floor and the remains of the collapsed display.

Suddenly "Rear End" wheeled her cart around me and shook her head. Then she said, "Why do people always try to take cans from the bottom of a stack?" She then disappeared into the next aisle.

I stood there, the center of attention, holding a single can of peas. It wasn't quite like the feeling one gets from a dream where they are naked in a crowded room, but it was a close second.

Uncomfortable and self-conscious of what had happened, I gathered up the rest of the items on my list and headed for the nearest register. I couldn't have gotten out of that store fast enough. (But, why? I didn't do anything wrong. Did I?)

Then there was a loud crash at the next register. She, with the devastating derriere, had tried to pass between a magazine rack and a display of Tic-Tacs. Something had to give. It was a matter of the classic scientific question: "What happens when an irresistible force meets an immovable object?"

Behind her stood the next victim. The poor guy, in the wrong place at the wrong time, just happened to have moved into the line behind Boulder Buttocks. She was glaring at him and in front of everyone, indicting him.

So it was, that I was rear ended in the rear end by a rear end while taking a pee ... er, a can of peas!

This is in no way intended to slight those people who are rather larger in certain areas of their bodies than most of us. However, there are those who should be equipped 'back-up beepers.'

№ 1951

Back in the Saddle

The Masters
...And Tiger is back in the saddle again!

What do you supposed Tiger Woods' wife thought about his return to the PGA Tour?

Four married guys, one of whom being Tiger Woods, go golfing. While playing the 4th hole, the following conversation took place:

1st Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

2nd Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife I will build a new deck for the pool."

3rd Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife I will remodel the kitchen for her.

They continued to play the hole when they realized that Tiger hadn't said anything. So they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Tiger: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. and when it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'golf course or intercourse?' And she said, 'Wear your sweater'".

Tiger Woods' Customized Tees -->

What Do Golfers Talk About Over Drinks?
Tiger Woods and two other men are in a bar, all very drunk, and talking to each other, bragging about their families.

The first guy says, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."

The second guy says, "That's nothin'. I have ten sons. One more and I'll have a football team."

Tiger guy, the drunkest of them all replies "You guys haven't found true happiness. I have seventeen mistresses. One more and I'll have a golf course."

She Should've Known
Tiger was getting married, and was standing by his bride at the church.

Standing by him is his golf clubs and bag.

His bride whispers: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

And Tiger said "This is not going to take all day is it?"

The Lamaze Class
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet. Finally, Tiger Woods in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

.. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

№ 1950

A Bloated Easter

Bloated ... So bloated ...

Lasagna & meatballs, ham, potatoes,
squash, green beans and dessert ...

What the heck, it was an Easter feast
at my daughter's home!

Opening day night baseball at
Fenway Park!

Red Sox 9, Yankees 7!

So bloated and so tired.

Off to bed!
№ 1949

Butterfly Dreams (10)

(A sequel to The Strange Story of Mr. Black and Ms Gray.)

They had died when helping thwart a plan to undermine the government of the United States. Now Ben and Susan have returned from the dead and they must bring that government down. Standing in their way are Michael Black and Michelle Gray, the bodies of whom they now occupy.

-(The Story begins HERE)-

Butterflies Are Not Free
The military and the Feds had taken the proverbial stick to the hornets' nest. The mayhem they'd stirred up was so widespread that it had to have been meticulously orchestrated.

The series of events of the day had been calculated to appear unrelated to the public in general. To a select few however, the randomized acts had been intended as a reminder that they were still out there and very much in business. That message had been received loud and clear!

I had managed to pull about a half car length ahead of the HumVee but it was fast closing the distance. Its camouflaged bulk again bearing down on us I shouted to Professor Jordan, "Brace yourself!"

The force of the impact jolted us forward into an intersection. From the corner of my eye I noticed that the red traffic light of the crossing street was just about to change to green. I turned the wheel hard to my left and on crying tires careened between two oncoming vehicles which had yet cleared the intersection.

Feet pressed against brake pedals and heavy hands upon horns, several drivers declared their anger over my reckless maneuver. Nonplussed, I continued through the junction of the two busy streets and slowed down only after I had driven a little over a block away from our tormentors.

Pulling over to the curb I loosened my seat belt and turned to view what was happening behind us. The HumVee was idling at the red light. It's driver, wearing dark sunglasses, was holding aloft an angry fist with an extended finger. When the light changed the vehicle's engine roared and they lurched straight ahead.

I pressed the back of my neck against the headrest and released sigh of relief, "They went the other way. They're not following us."

Visibly shaken, the professor muttered, "I have come to the conclusion, Mr. Black, that it is not safe to be in your company."

"Professor," I countered, "Obviously it's not safe on the streets of Boston for either one of us." I shifted into drive and added, "With our tailgating friends gone, I'm taking us to my original destination."

His eyes widened in terror as he cried, "Oh my God!"

I turned to see the HumVee coming at us from the opposite direction. They had not given up their attack. The bastards, I thought, they had taken the next street and had circled around the block.

Assessing our predicament, I reacted by turning the steering wheel to the left and pounding the accelerator to the floor. The car lurched from the violent contact as the front wheel bounded over the curb and onto the sidewalk. Sparks leapt from the bumper as it brushed against the brick facade of a building. An aluminum trash receptacle in our path took flight, its trajectory sending it crashing onto the street ahead of us.

I chanced a quick glance at the rear view mirror. Closing fast, the driver of the HumVee ignored the narrow passage between parked cars. A shower of plastic and glass that had been side view mirrors rained in the wake of the oncoming behemoth.

Too late I saw the trash can looming in my path. Already crumpled from the previous encounter it slid beneath the car and became wedged there. In a trice I lost control of steering; no doubt a tie rod had been broken. I swerved to the right out of control onto the sidewalk headlong into a telephone pole.

In a daze I struggled to push aside the airbag that had been deployed by the force of the crash. I reached out to the passenger seat to see if Professor Jordan had been injured. Suddenly I was thrust forward as the car was pitched and rocked by a collision from behind.

I rubbed my neck and twisted my head to peer into the mirror. Resting on the trunk was one of the HumVee's large tires. The vehicle had not only slammed into the rear end, but had driven up onto the back of the car.

From the corner of my eye I could see that the passenger seat was empty and door was standing open. Professor Jordan was gone. I feared that he might have been thrown from the car from the force of either one of the violent collisions.

I caught movement to my left in the mirror on the door. Two khaki-clad soldiers bearing assault rifles were approaching. A third moved into position by the open passenger door.

"Sergeant," the man shouted in the direction of the HumVee, "the old man isn't in the car."

Next to me one of the men said, "He couldn't have gotten far. Go look for him."

"Belay that!" bellowed a voice from somewhere behind. "We'll pick him up later."

"Yes sir, Colonel Wingate," snapped the sergeant. "What about, Black?"

His stern authoritative voice resonated within my head. "Operation Butterfly Blue is a go, sergeant. As for Mr. Black here ... I think we should put him out his misery. Have one of your men fetch the Butterfly Nectar."

I strained to turn my head in the officer's direction. I tried to speak but the shoulder strap was pressed against my throat making it difficult to even swallow.

Though I couldn't see his face he addressed me, "Mr. Black, you and your people have been a thorn in my side long enough. I don't appreciate you chasing my butterflies. Put this in your pipe and smoke it ... butterflies are not free!"

A reflection in the mirror, I saw his hands manipulating a syringe. A bluish liquid was being drawn from a small bottle. There was a sharp sting as the needle pierced my neck.

( To be continued with ...

Nets of Wonder )
№ 1948

Farm Kid in the Army

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. I'm writing this big so you can Pa can read this without looking for your glasses.

Tell brother Walt and brother Elmer the army beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine somethings. No hogs to slop, feed to pich, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. Tell Walt you can always sit by two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.

I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry up and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

Happy April Fool's Day!

№ 1947

With 'Em or Without 'Em

I'm just a typical male, your everyday Average Joe. If I had a dollar bill for every time I've tried to figure out women and failed, I'd be a wealthy man.

Then again, if I had all that dough some dame would've convinced to me to have spent it on her. I guess that brings me back to square one.

I can't figure them out. For example, take this lady:

~~Peeping Tom~~
"My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have killed him if we hadn't stopped her," said George.

"He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?" replied his friend.

"No, that's not what made her the maddest," the husband chuckled.

"It's not?" asked the friend.

"No, she got mad when he reached in the window and closed the curtains!"

Then there was this gal:

~~Kiting~~
A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. However, every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing back down.

This goes on for a while, when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells," You need more tail."

The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I'll never understand your mother. Yesterday, I told her I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite!"

Women ! Who can figure 'em out ?

~~The Gift~~
Like the time that the kids were grown up and gone, my ex-wife once said to me that she needed more "outside interests".

One day, I thought I'd surprise her and presented her with a brand new fancy lawn mower on her birthday.

She about hit the roof and went into a fit!

I've come to he conclusion that the only way you use the words 'women' and 'figure' in the same sentence is when you are referring to the shapes of their bodies!

Consider my next door neighbors:

~~Lost in Translation~~
The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

~ (Borrowed from Phils Phun . )
----------------------------

I think part of the problem is that half the time men don't understand what women are saying. Case in point, read what happened to this poor guy:

~~Road Courtesy~~
A woman was driving on the road and a man was driving in the opposite direction on that same road.

When they passed each other, the woman rolled down her window and shouted, "PIG!"

Immediately the man shouted back, "BITCH !"

The man laughed because he was happy to have reacted so quickly to the shouting woman, and took the turn in the road with high speed.

The man was killed by a pig smashing into his windshield.

I blame my problems of not understanding women on my mother. It was all because one incident:

Open Wide
I was just a little boy when I went shopping with my mother and was waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for her to come out. While waiting, I got bored, and just when she came walking out, she saw me sliding my hand up a mannequin's skirt.

"Get your hand out of there!" she shouted. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

I quickly snatched my hand away and thanked my lucky stars I didn't get bitten.

For the next ten years, I grew up believing all women had teeth between their legs. When I was 16, I had my first girlfriend. One night, while her parents were out of town, she invited me over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she said, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she said, pointing to her crotch.

"HELL NO," I cried, "you got teeth down there!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responded, "there's no such thing as teeth down there!"

"Yes, there are," I countered, "my Mom told me so."

"No, there aren't," she insisted. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulled down her pants and gave him a little peek.

"No, I'm sorry," I said. "My Mom already told me that all women have teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cried. She whipped off her panties, threw her legs behind her head and said, "LOOK, I DON"T have any teeth down there."

I took a good long look and replied," Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"

Needless to say, the relationship with that gal didn't last too long.

I guess if I had to put it in simple terms it would be something like this:

To be happy with a man, a woman must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, a man should love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

№ 1946

A Breath of Hot Air

(I received the following Obama gag in an e-mail from my brother Rick:)

In the washroom in the airport I saw this handwritten sign
posted over one of those hot air hand dryers:

"Please push button and listen for
a short message from the President!"



There's nothing like "hot air" and the smell of
fresh crap to give you that true Obama presence!!!!

An Observation
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

Tooting Her Own Horn
A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession: "Today I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Goodwim came to me and told me that I had the gates to Heaven here between my legs. Then he said that he had the key to Heaven, and he put it in the gates."

"BASTARD!" cried the Mother Superior. "For years he told me it was Gabriel's trumpet and I have been blowing it."

Those Long Nights
There was this Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and then the next morning found out that she was six months pregnant.

It's Good For What Ails You
A man wakes up in the middle of the night and rolls over and shoves an aspirin down his wife's throat. All of a sudden she wakes up and yells, "What in the hell are you doing?"

"Just giving you an aspirin for your headache," the man answered.

"But I ain't got a headache," she yelled back.

"Good then, let's have sex!" beamed the man.

All of a sudden, the wife smacked her husband. The husband was totally dumbfounded and asked, "What was that for?"

His wife said, "Because, you are an awful lover".

A couple of minutes later, the husband smacked his wife. This time, the wife was confused and asked, "And may I ask what that was all about?"

The husband said, " Simple, that's for knowing the difference."

A Tenderfoot in the Old West
Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stage coaches and the like were popular, there were three people in a stage coach one day: a true red blooded born and raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well endowed Texas lady.

The city slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job."

The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city slicker on the spot.

The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!"

Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of a woman in Texas!"

Little Rascals: One Day In School
Many readers will remember the Little Rascals (also called Our Gang). The old comedy shorts are still alive and well in reruns. Like kids today, they too had to attend school. In their classroom you might expect to find Spanky, Alfalfa, Darla and Buckwheat among others.

While attending a spelling session in school one day, The teacher asked if anyone could spell the word DUMB?

Darla raised her hand and says "I can, I can."

The teacher replied, "OK, go ahead Darla..."

Darla answered, "D-U-M-B."

The teacher remarked, "Very good,and can you use that word in a sentence?"

Darla replied, "Sure, Buckwheat is very DUMB."

The teacher noted, "OK, well can anyone spell the word STUPID?"

Again, Darla raised her hand, and the teacher called on her, "OK, go ahead Darla."

Darla replied, "S-T-U-P-I-D."

The teacher replied "Very good, and can you use that word in a sentence?"

Darla stated, "Sure, Buckwheat is very STUPID."

The teacher replied, "OK, well let's continue. Can anyone spell the word DICTATE?" No one raised their hand, so the teacher pointed to Buckwheat and asked if he could spell the word DICTATE?

Buckwheat replied, "Sure, D-I-C-T-A-T-E."

The teacher replied, "Very good, Buckwheat. Can you use that word in a sentence?"

Buckwheat beamed proudly, "Sure I can. I may be DUMB and I may be STUPID, but Darla say my DICTATE good."

№ 1945

Square Ad libs

Here is a classic from Verbical Tendencies originally posted by Serena Joy .

If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eye. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous!

Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo! "What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh

№ 1944

Butterfly Dreams (9)

(A sequel to The Strange Story of Mr. Black and Ms Gray.)

They had died when helping thwart a plan to undermine the government of the United States. Now Ben and Susan have returned from the dead and they must bring that government down. Standing in their way are Michael Black and Michelle Gray, the bodies of whom they now occupy.

-(The Story begins HERE)-

Jordan's Endgame
I watched as he struggled to slip into the passenger seat. His manner pensive, he waved his hand to signal for me to drive. As we weaved through the garage floors and finally out onto the street his eyes remained fixed on the hood ornament of the car.

His lower lip barely visible beneath an overgrown gray moustache he spoke at last, "I have no doubt that I am being followed. I trust you know of someplace secure?"

"Secure, maybe," I answered. "Safe, definitely."

He cleared his throat and spoke with slow deliberation, "When I arrived at my office this morning I found that it had been trashed." He paused until he was certain he had my attention before continuing, "The desk drawers and filing cabinets had been rifled. My keys to the labs were missing."

Keeping with the Michael Black persona I said, "I see. Do you think they were after any records left behind of our research? They took everything, didn't they?"

He shook his head, "Not everything. They left something behind. They left us ..."

I glanced at him, "By us, I assume you mean Michelle and myself ... and you."

"Except we know something they don't know, don't we?" he said with a smirk.

"Professor, I'm not following ..."

He waved his hand in my direction, "You're secret is safe with me, Mr. Bering."

Stunned by his declaration, I veered onto a parking lot and slammed on the brakes. Throwing the shift into park I peered into his eyes, "How?"

He ran a finger across his moustache and replied, "I knew that once a mind has been transferred, it can never be returned to its original body. I knew that the two of you weren't Michael and Michelle. When I heard about the deaths of Benjamin Bering and Susan Parsons ... well, I simply put two and two together."

"I see," I grunted, "Then you knew that Michael's and Michelle's minds had been transferred into the other?"

He lowered his head and stared at his hands folded in his lap. "I'm afraid I was responsible for that." Sensing that I was staring at him he added, "It was an accident."

"Michael .. ah, in Michelle's body .. never mentioned that you knew what had happened to them. If I remember correctly, the only mention of you, Professor Jordan, was when you delivered the news that their research was being shut down."

"Shut down?" he growled. "It was stolen from us ... er them."

His near slip of the tongue had my attention. Professor Jordan had been the head of the science department at Northeastern University. The research in which Michael and Michelle had been working had been under his auspices. Somehow, we had overlooked just how much he must have known about their experiments.

Had he not said moments before that he was responsible for their minds being swapped? Why then, had not tried to help them? Despite his claim, perhaps it had been an accident after all!

I was about pursue the fact when something struck the windshield, its force causing spider-webbed cracks to appear in the glass. Had it not been for the bullet-proof glass, Jordan would have surely been killed by a shot to the head.

"Sniper!" I yelped and threw the car into gear. With tires screeching in protest on the pavement of the lot I careened out into the busy street. Barely missing a collision with a UPS carrier, I righted the vehicle without touching the brakes.

Ignoring the angry horns of two cars as I swerved in front of them, I swung onto Washington Street in the direction of the Financial District. Slowed down by the traffic on the busy street, I loosened my knuckle-white grip on the steering wheel and exhaled slowly.

Visibly shaken the professor muttered, "They ... they tried to kill me!"

I glanced at my distressed passenger and queried, "Why would they want you dead? Why now?"

"I ... I don't know," he whispered. His demeanor could not hide the fact that he was holding back something. I thought that perhaps he wasn't certain that I was someone he could trust. It was imperative that I gained that trust. Directly or indirectly, and whether he wanted it or not, he was embroiled in not only the current events but those of a year ago also.

Idling at a red light I quipped, "There are five people among the missing right now and there has been attempt on your life ... and you know nothing?" He shook his head but I pressed on, "Then tell me, why did you go see Stu Jankowski?"

He said nothing as his fingers fumbled for something in his shirt pocket. He removed a small piece of crumpled paper and held it aloft. "This morning I found this on the floor at my apartment. Someone must've slid it under the door."

I groaned in anguish as I gazed upon the image on the paper of an all too familiar symbol. "A butterfly. A god damned blue butterfly!"

"Yes, one of those cursed butterflies," he nodded weakly. "I was afraid she was in terrible danger. I thought Mr. Jankowski might be able to offer some ... discreet assistance."

"She?" I asked. While awaiting his response, the light turned green and I drove through the intersection.

He raised a hand to the back of his head and rubbed his neck. "My daughter."

Taken aback, I stared at the old man for a moment before speaking, "Your daughter? But, Rosie's father was General Gates."

"Rosie? Oh,no ... not Rosie. Her step-sister is my daughter!" he exclaimed. He grabbed my arm and pleaded, "Please, she must not know this ... ever."

We were lurched forward by a sudden violent crash from behind. "What the ...?" I snapped. In the rear view mirror I could make out the looming grill of a military Humvee.

( To be continued 4/2 with ...

Butterflies Are Not Free )№ 1943

A Funny Thing Happened ...

on the way to the computer room ...

I had just had some supper and was carrying a freshly-poured cup of hot coffee on my way to the front of the house to the small computer room.

As I was passing through the living room, Smokey our cat decided to attack my shoe laces. His siege on my foot placed right into my path.

There was a sudden "yowwrrr" as my foot and his body collided. The cat dashed off even as I tried to maintain my balance and not fall, all the time trying to hold onto the cup of hot coffee without spilling it.

I ended up spinning around and falling backward and in an upright sitting position in my reclining chair. I landed on the switch which activated the motor and it began tilting the chair back.

Miraculously, the cup of coffee was still in my hand and except for a few drops running down the side of the cup and onto my hand, not a drop had been spilled on me, the chair or the floor.

I was returning the chair to the upright position when the cat decided that underneath the elevated footrest of the chair was a good place to take shelter. Except, I hadn't seen it go there.

With the chair upright and my feet on the floor I was about to set the cup of coffee on the end table next to me. There was a sudden "yowwrrr," not from the cat, but from my own vocal chords. Smokey, apparently still thinking we were playing, had reached his paw out from beneath the chair and had dug his claws into my ankle!

I jumped up, cup still in hand. Somehow, once again I managed to hold onto the cup without spilling it. Finally, I placed the cup on the table and moved to the center of the room and watched his paws groping blindly from beneath the chair.

For the moment he was trapped behind the foot rest of the chair. It was lucky that he had not gotten hurt by the mechanisms of the chair when the motor was running. It was also lucky that none of the coffee had been spilled.

"Bad boy!" I said to him. "You stay there for a while. It'll keep you out of trouble until I have my coffee."

Then I remembered that when I got home from work I hadn't had a clue as to what I was going to post tonight. I looked at the cup of coffee on the table and the gray paws digging at the floor and foot rest of the chair ...

Inspired by the incident I thought, what the heck. It was something, an anecdotal something to write about. So I fired up the computer in the next room and while the start-up programs were running I retrieved the cup of coffee.

There I sat, a maestro at the keyboard ... Okay, so it's not a symphony or a sonata produced by my fingertips. I happened to have the two black & white cartoons above in my files and I decided to craft the narrative around them.

Of course, there was still the matter of poor Smokey trapped under the recliner. I finished my coffee and placed the empty cup on the TV tray-table next to my chair. I pushed the button on the chair control and watched him dart to freedom.

He began to race around the room; into the window, onto the back of the chair, behind the couch. "Crazy cat," I said aloud.

I looked under the still-elevated footrest and wouldn't you know it, there lie one of his new toys - a catnip laced toy! He'd gotten as high as a kite while under there. He zipped through my legs and into the computer room. Then I a heard a crash!

The TV tray-table was tipped over and there was a large puddle of water on the hardwood floor. The empty coffee cup had landed in his plastic bowl of water. After grabbing a towel, some paper towels and a sponge mop, I cleaned up the mess and righted the table.

I put everything away and then refilled his water dish. Then I wondered, "Now, where is that little bugger?"

He was in the living room, stretched out on the back of the sofa. He looked at me as if to say, "What?"

When I was just about finished putting the details of the Smokey's misadventure on screen, I decided to check on him. He was still there on the back of the sofa, perhaps sleeping off the effects of the catnip.

Before I closed off this entry and before publishing it, I took a break to watch the final quarter of the Boston Celtics' game vs the Denver Nuggets. A few minutes later he moved from the back of the sofa and crawled onto my lap. He looked up at me as if to say, "That was fun. We should do it again sometime."

As he curled up in my lap purring away, I was reminded of the fact that "we don't own cats - they own us."

№ 1942

Gone To Hellth

A little known fact behind one of history's memorable moments:

During a power outage, Benjamin Franklin took desperate measures to post the latest entry to his "Poor Richard's Almanac" web site.

Speaking of power outages:

~~~Capital Punishment~~~
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to a call of woman in labor.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Her mother pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!"

~~~Health Plans~~~
Two guys have 9 a.m. appointments at a vasectomy clinic. A young nurse preps them for surgery. She tells the first guy to take off his clothes and sit on an exam table. Then, she takes his manhood in her hands and masturbates him. She tells him that it is standard procedure to make sure there are no blockages.

Once done, the nurse tells him to sit down and repeats her instructions to the second guy. When he is on the exam table, the nurse performs oral sex on him. Upon seeing this, the first guy says, "That's not fair. Why does he get oral sex?"

The nurse says, "Sorry, that's the difference between Blue Cross and an HMO."

I was surfing around trying to find a joke about Obama's Health Care bill. Except for his own not so funny reference to "Thelma and Louise," I didn't have much luck.

Then I realized - Obama's Health Care bill IS the joke!

You know, it's just another suppository he has given to the American people!

~~~National Health Care~~~
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower, and spinach, with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Haagen Das Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, "You want hot fudge with that?"

Man relied, "Yes!"

And Woman said, "I'll have one too ...with sprinkles."

And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green garden salad." And Satan presented crumbled Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and the 99 cent double cheeseburger. Then Satan said, "You want fries with that?"

And Man replied, "Yes! And super size ' em!"

And Satan said, "'It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then Satan chuckled and created the National Health Care.

Finally, a few jokes about - (what else?) - healthy sex.

~~~Money's Worth~~~
A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stonewall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me poot ma hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her leg. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Angus blurted out: "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

~~~Something Different~~~
After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested that they vary their positions.

"For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheel barrel. Lift her legs from behind and off you go."

The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.

"Well, okay," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions - First, if it hurts, you will stop right away. And second," she continued, "you have to promise we won't go past my mother's house."

Lastly, here's one I "lifted from Jack and Blue at How Now Blue Cow :

~~~Morning Delight~~~
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen, table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

№ 1941

Tiger's Sextionary

Tiger Woods' Return
The world will be watching Tiger Woods tee off for the first time since his scandalous affairs.

Officials of the PGA will be chomping at the bits as the upcoming 2010 Masters Tournament gets underway at the Augusta National golf course. Live coverage of the event will begin April 8 and will run through the 11th. They are expecting record viewer interest this year. Viewership will not be limited to those who are predisposed with an interest in the sport of golf, quite the contrary, people who never watch golf are expected to tune in in droves.

You can bet that Elin, Woods' wife, will not be watching. She certainly will not be attending the event. It's a shame that the TV network did not follow in the footsteps of Woods' former endorsers and refuse to televise the event. Alas, money is money, and BIG money rules!

I overheard two women talking about the Masters. They were going to watch because they wanted to see if any of Tiger's former mistresses will be in the galleries and if they will interviewed. I hate to see them disappointed, but the straight-laced officials at Augusta National would not even let those women within a mile of the place. Any one in the gallery who decides to heckle Woods will be promptly removed. People with signs will similarly be escorted off the premises.

As if Tiger's troubles weren't bad enough, another piece of damning information is about to be revealed to the world. It seems that in addition to his famous personal Black Book, he even carried a dictionary around with him. However, calling it a dictionary is a misnomer. Myself, I would label it a Sextionary. Its cover bears the title "Kama Sextra."

Not only is it a dictionary of sex-related terminology, but all of the entries are made-up words containing the letters s-e-x. It would appear that he liked to create his own lexicography to describe his sexual experiences and encounters. Since it's old news that he has had a lot of experiences and a lot of encounters, it should not come as a surprise just how large of a vocabulary he possessed.

I have to admit that my spell-checker not only went crazy while I was typing in some of the excerpts, but it threatened to go on strike!

Tiger's Sextionary
dysexic - calling Marie Mary while doing it

sexaggerate - to stretch the truth about the sex to friends
sexalt - to praise sex partner, whether true or not
sexam - check up after sex to be safe
Sexcalibur - what I call mine
sexcavate - to really dig in

sexcel - to give or get great sex
sexcentric - prone to strange sex practices
sexcess - a lot of sex
sexchange rate - the going price
sexcise - tax on sex, especially in Nevada

sexclusion - deleted a name from Black Book
sexcommunicated - told by a girl she doesn't want to see me again
sex crime - being shut off, denied sex
sexcrutiating - discomfort felt in car, on table, on floor
sexcursion - out cruising for babes

sexcuse - made up reason for inability to perform
sexecute - to perform
sexercise - a workout, especially push ups
sexertion - energy spent performing
sexhaustion - spent, tired or sleepy after sex

sexhibit - to display what I've got and what they'll want
sexile - banished from the bedroom
sexistence - living for sex
sexit - to pull out
Sexodus - time to leave, go home

sexogamy - having many sexual partners (yeah!)
sexonerate - to make up for previous poor performance
sexorbitant - having too much sex (Hah!)
sexorcism - what they tried to do to me at that clinic
sexotica - xxx porn movies

sexpectations - looking forward to having sex
sexpense - cash outlay to have sex
sexperiment - try different things
sexpertise - skill in the sack
sexplanation - story to tell wife why you were late

sexpletives - dirty words used during the act
sexploration - feeling, touching a woman's body, foreplay
sexplosion - release, climax
sexport - a call girl sent to meet you
sexpurgated - removed name from Black Book

sex-rays - undressing woman with my eyes
sexretary - she does more than answer phones and take dictation
sextortion - to threaten to tell using pictures, videos
sextraterrestrial - having sex with the green woman on Star Trek
sextravagance - spending money on woman before she'll have sex

sextreme - wild, wild sex
sextrovert - one who is outwardly open about sex
sexty-nine - sex with three or more women
sexude - to climax
sexurbs - places outside of city to find sex

trisexual - willing to try anything

Yes, his golf bag is packed and he's ready to putter.

№ 1940

Nutrition Bitchin'

Keep your nutrition bitchin' out of our kitchen!*
* I borrowed the opening line from the host of a local dining and restaurant review program, The Phantom Gourmet .

Check out this catchy headline:

Obama Picks Hamburg to Head FDA

President Obama named his pick for Food and Drug Administration (FDA) Commissioner: Food safety and bioterrorism expert Dr. Margaret Hamburg.

Disclosure of nutritional information must be done in a context that allows consumers to make an informed dining decision. Consumers understand that calories are just part of the information necessary to make smart food choices.

Consumers should know about a broad range of nutrition information, including sodium, fat, cholesterol, carbohydrates and protein as well as calories.

While it is difficult to challenge the contents of the above italicized paragraphs, it falls short of discussing the impact Hamburg (pardon the pun) could have on the food industry as a whole.

Legislators, no doubt to be influenced by the new head of the FDA, will be tackling more than nutrition of the food being served in our school systems. Their sights will also be targeting the restaurant industry, especially those franchised establishments.

Disclosure is the operative word. I've read that our government legislators want restaurants, all restaurants, to provide a list of all of the ingredients on all of their menu selections. Such lists would also have to include dyes and colorings added to foods. (I've never read anywhere that Blue Dye № 1, Yellow № 5, etc., have ever been mentioned as being harmful to anyone's health.)

Their potential laws would require that such information would have to displayed on those menu boards over the heads of the fast food workers and on their signage in the lines to the drive-up windows. The sit-down-and-be-served eateries would be required by law to include the list of ingredients on their menus.

I'm not suggesting that this would be a bad thing, but there would be a trickle-down effect. The fine restaurants, as well as the fast-food franchises would have to bear the expense of updating their menus. One doesn't have to a rocket scientist to know that the cost of such an endeavor would be eventually passed on to the customer in the form of higher prices.

Invariably, legislation equals consumer burden.

<-- Having polished off two Big Macs, a large soda and super-sized french fries, Jesse Michelin, son of the Michelin Tire Man, asks the person seated across from him, "Are you going to eat the rest of those fries?"

I'm sorry, but this not where legislation should be aimed. It's not the food or its ingredients. No one is holding a gun to this kid's head and forcing him to eat it! This is a domestic issue. When are the parents going to be held responsible? (I'd say that little brother is heading in the same direction.)

Posting the ingredients on a menu board is going to prevent obesity? Hell no!

I feel a song parody coming on ... a gastronomical anthem ...

You won't hear this version by Julie Andrews in "The Sound of Music."

My Favorite Things
Fat droppings in gravy made by my mother
Golden hot biscuits topped with melting butter
Brown greasy marinade on my buffalo wings
These are a few of my favorite things

Double deck hamburgers and crispy french fries
Large shakes and sodas that come in super-size
Glazed donuts and batter-coated onion rings
These are a few of my favorite things

Some fried chicken and mashed potatoes piled high
A slice of chocolate cake and a piece of apple pie
Steaks smothered in mushrooms and blue cheese dressings
These are a few of my favorite things

When the chili burns
When the sauce stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad.

Pepperoni and cheese on the pizzas they're makin'
Fried eggs over easy and plenty of fatty bacon
And hot dogs tied together on strings
These are a few of my favorite things

Fat droppings in gravy made by my mother
Golden hot biscuits topped with melting butter
Brown greasy marinade on my buffalo wings
These are a few of my favorite things

When the chili burns
When the sauce stings
I'm never feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite foods
And then I am feeling so good.

I'm sure that in this era of "Super Sizing," a suggestion of smaller portions would be entirely out of the question.

In a lot of schools across the country, the snack and soda vending machines have been removed in attempt to get the students to purchase nutritious and healthy cafeteria meals. Have you ever been to a Burger King, Taco Bell, McDonalds, Wendys, KFC, etc., after school lets out? Yep! Loaded with hungry school kids spending their lunch money!

There is no escaping the facts, no matter what the ingredients, no matter the nutritional content, fast food tastes good! So what will the fast food franchisees, those restaurateurs of fine cuisine have to say to the legislators?

Keep your nutrition bitchin' out of our kitchen!
Oh, by the way, three of McDonalds' healthy salad specialties have more calories than their Big Mac sandwich! (They may have contain less fats, but are they really healthier than the burgers?)

Personally I don't eat at the fast food franchises that often, maybe once a week. A second visit is rare. I figure I'm in no serious health danger for those rare visits. I'm on the road all week and those places are convenient. Yes, the food tastes pretty good too.

For the record, movie theater popcorn has never been the same since the movie houses were forced to change the oils and butter they use! Healthier perhaps, but it doesn't taste as good as it did in the old days!

When it comes to health and obesity, maybe some simple math will cause some people to think before they inhale that large submarine sandwich:

Fat Math





In closing, riddle me this: When eating fast foods, WTF is with the DIET cola?

№ 1939