Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Southern Fried Lard

The Best Humor is...


My cousin Clem is so dumb...
How dumb is he?
He's so dumb that he took a pair of scissors to a pile of cash, snipped it up to pieces and then glued the whole mess onto a poster board.
Now why would he go and do a dumb thing like that?
Well, I asked him that very same question. He replied "My father said I should save my money and use it for collage!"

I don't reckon you happen to knows the difference between a Yankee Zoo and a Southern Zoo?
I reckon I don't. What is the difference?
Well, son, it's like this: A Yankee Zoo puts a sign on the cages that tells you the name of the animal and the scientific name. The Southern Zoo uses signs too, only their signs give the name of the animal and a recipe for cookin' the critters.


The Redneck Love Poem

Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like corn silk a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,
You spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,
We go together like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day
From the cooler at Kroger. That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
More useful than diamonds......IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!


A Redneck Hunting Trip

At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.

"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"

"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.

"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"


My Own Grandpa

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter who,
of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
who kept them on the run.

And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife, she's my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
the strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa.

Now y'all remember when passing on this stuff ...
That a Yankee fairy tale begins with: Once Upon A Time..
And a Redneck fairy tale begins with: Y'all Ain't Gonna Believe This...

No.1063

Monday, July 30, 2007

The Geek Shall Internet the Earth

(The following is not an original work, but was taken from an article titled "A Totally Honest Message From Bill Gates," which appeared in Mad Magazine and was written by Mike Snider.)


Ever since a federal judge ruled that the Microsoft monopoly must be broken up into itty-bitty pieces, Bill Gates has taken his case to the airwaves in a series of pathetic, whiny image ads in which he portrays himself as a cuddly, well-intentioned innovator (as opposed to the vicious, back-stabbing, cutthroat robber baron we know he really is)! But if the chairman of Microsoft REALLY wants to improve his image, he come clean in ...
A TOTALLY HONEST MESSAGE FROM BILL GATES
"Citizens of the world: I am Bill Gates, founder of Microsoft, and the Richest Man in the World! By Far!

Normally, I don't lower myself to talk to the public -- I dunno, I guess it's out of some justifiable feeling of superiority! But I'm making an exception now, because the U.S. Government, which is only slightly richer than me, is trying to do something very bad for you, the consumer, and, more importantly, for me! It's trying to break up Microsoft!

Incidentally, when I say I'm the "Richest Man in the World" I mean the "The Richest Man Ever in History." Just so we're clear on that!

Anyway, right now you're probably saying to yourself:
'Whoa! This guy's pretty damn sincere! I ought to be paying attention to what he says, instead of writing him off as a whining, desperate zillionaire who will do anything to protect his obscene cash flow!'
...'Who cares if all those rumors I've heard for two weeks without showering and attends board meetings smelling like a garbage dump are true? He really cares about me!'
...How can the breakup of Microsoft possibly be bad for me personally?'
Well, to anyone who knows the facts, it's obvious that breaking up Microsoft would be horrible for consumers!

See, every application we've ever put out contains millions of lines of "source code," that indecipherable mumbo-jumbo that only the computer -- and we here at Microsoft -- understand! Most of that source code is there just to get the PC to do what it's supposed to! But a tiny little bit of it is designed to do some extremely interesting things inside your computer, such as:
Translate every Microsoft Word document from English to Swahili, or Ancient Sanskrit, or those "Wingding" characters nobody knows what the hell are for! Sign up you and all the people in your Microsoft Outlook Address Book for a non-cancelable three-year subscription to the Microsoft Network! Make your Microsoft Excel program at work siphon off one dollar from everybody else's account into a file called "My-Embzzle$" and then transmit a copy of that file to your boss!
Pretty scary, eh? Did those wild-eyed anarchists at the Justice Department even consider these possible consequences to the consumer when they came up with the radical notion of a break up? I think not!

Of course, I'm not saying those things would automatically happen-- first we'd have to send out the prearranged signal to your PC from our corporate headquarters - but why take the chance?

Please don't get me wrong -- these aren't threats! "Threats" are wrong; threats are counterproductive; threats are liable to get the government even more pissed off at me than they already are! Let's just call them a "technical forecast," from an "informed industry source"!

But you have the power to make sure those things never occur! All you have to do is write, fax, or e-mail -- using Microsoft Outlook, of course -- your Congressman, Senator, Governor, Mayor, dogcatcher -- whatever!-- and tell them what a silly, silly, silly idea breaking up Microsoft is! --Oh, and also remind them that we know how to remote-access everything on THEIR hardrives, too!

In conclusion, let me say: May the Blue Screen of Death never visit your Windows-based PC, or at least no more than it does now -- which it won't, if you do exactly as I say!

With all my best-simulated-non-threatening "warmth," this is Bill Gates, the Richest Man in the Known Universe!"

No.1062

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Put Me In, Coach, I'm Ready To Play

Baseball vs. Softball

Ah, if it's summer it's time for baseball and softball. You watch one while drinking beer, and drink beer you playing the other! The two sports are played with similiar rules and equipment, but there are some other "subtle" differences:

If you see the pitcher warming up with a catcher in the bullpen ... It's Baseball.

If you see the pitcher warming up with a babe in his Chevy Blazer ... It's Softball.

If the pitcher's Earned Run Average is 3.5 ... It's Baseball.
If the pitcher's Blood Alcohol Level is 3.5 ...It's Softball.

If a buxom girl runs onto the field to kiss one of the players ...It's Baseball.
If a buxom girl runs onto the field to play shortstop ... It's Softball.

If the manager is an older gentleman with a pot belly ... It's Baseball.
If the entire team is made up of older gentlemen with pot bellies ... It's Softball.

If the best seat in the house is the owner of the team's luxury box ... It's Baseball.
If the best seat in the house is the owner of Winnebago's lounge chairs he put on the roof ... It's Softball.

If after the game a crew must convert the field to football stadium ... It's Baseball.
If after the game a guy must convert the field to a flea market ...It's Softball.

If the third base coach signals the runner to go home ... It's Baseball.
If the third base coach signals his wife to bring him another beer ...It's Softball.


Some Differences in Terminology

Home Run - Baseball : A fair ball hit out of the park which allows batter and any runner on base to score.
Home Run - Softball : A trip to the nearest establishment that sells beer.

Grand Slam - Baseball : A home run with the bases loaded.
Grand Slam - Softball : Three eggs, bacon, toast, pancakes, and a bottomless cup of coffee at Dennys.

Battery - Baseball : Term used for the tandem of pitcher and catcher of a team.
Battery - Softball : Power source of a vehicle from which a cable is connected to the coolers to keep beer cold.

Web Gem - Baseball : A spectacular fielding play that is shown repeatedly on ESPN after the game.
Web Gem - Softball : A spectacular fielding play with a glove on one hand and a beer in the other without spilling a drop.

Bench Clearing Incident - Baseball : When all the players run onto the field in defense of a team mate if he was, for example, beaned by the pitcher.
Bench Clearing Incident - Softball : When all the players run onto the field to escape a team mate's reaction to the combination of beers and five-alarm chili.

Bench Clearing Brawl - Baseball : A fight, also called a brouhaha, that results from a bench clearing incident.
Bench Clearing Brawl - Softball : A fight that results from some member of the opposing team getting into the other team's beer cache.

Reading the Scoreboard

Baseball - Most everyone is familiar with scoring and can read a scoreboard. In a typical game situation: it may be the bottom of the fifth inning, with two outs, a runner on base, and the pitch count is three balls and two strikes.

Softball - Reading this scoreboard is ... well, a little different given the previous scenario. *Bottom the fifth - an empty Jack Daniels bottle. *Two out - when the girlfriend of an opposing player lifts her tee-shirt and flashes her breasts to distract the other team. * One On - someone else is using the toilet. *Count - how many beers each player has consumed to that point.

Centerfield - John Fogerty

Got me a beat-up glove, a homemade bat, and a brand-new pair of shoes,
You know I think it's time to give this game a ride,
Just to hit the ball and touch 'em all, a moment in the sun,
It's gone and can tell that one goodbye.

Oh, put me in, coach, I'm ready to play today,
Put me in, coach, I'm ready to play today,
Look at me, I can be centerfield.


No.1061

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Wild About Harry


Rowling's work is so familiar that we've forgotten how radical it really is. Look at her literary forebears. In The Lord of the Rings, J.R.R. Tolkien fused his ardent Catholicism with a deep, nostalgic love for the unspoiled English landscape. C.S. Lewis was a devout Anglican whose Chronicles of Narnia forms an extended argument for Christian faith. Now look at Rowling's books. What's missing? If you want to know who dies in Harry Potter, the answer is easy: God. - Lev Grossman

It occurred to me that I haven't seen any Harry Potter spoofs or jokes. That meant only thing: I'd better take the bull by the horns! It didn't take much surfing, however, to find that there is a plethora of parodies, cartoons and photo-shopped images out there. Far be it for me not to "harvest" some of it.

The Top 5 Indications Harry Potter Is Going Through Puberty

5) - His voice cracks while casting a spell, causing it to rain naked Tracey Ullmans.
4) - All that awful, awful poetry.
3) - Last spell learned? "The Incantation of the Unscrambled Spice Channel."
2) - No longer invited to sleepovers at Neverland Castle.

and the Number 1 Indication Harry Potter Is Going Through Puberty...

1) - "Erectius concealioso!"


Just because J.K. Rowlings has stated that there will be no more (Praise the Lord!) Harry Potter books, does not by any means suggest that this is the end of the popular wizard. Because of my ...ahem...connections, this blogger has scooped the world by obtaining the working titles and brief synopses of planned Harry Potter movies and TV series.

1) - Welcome Back, Potter - A grown up Harry returns to Hogwarts and learns he will be teaching a new breed of students who call themselves "Sweathogwarts."

2) - Dirty Harry Potter - The wizard is a tough L.A. detective. Memorable scene: Harry, pointing his wand at a captured crook says, "I know what you're thinking. 'Did he cast five spells with his wand or did he cast six?' "

3) - Harry Potter & the Chambermaids - Hotel hi jinks as Harry plays a promiscuous bell hop in this remake of a Jerry Lewis classic.

4) - Hairy Potter & the Hendersons - Transformed into Big Foot by an evil sorcerer, Harry enlists the aid of a typical family to break the spell.

5) - The Great Waldo Potter - Harry resurrects his long lost father, only to discover he is the famous Waldo.

6) - When Harry Potter Met Sally - Dumped by Hermione, Harry looks for love in the bar scene.

7) - There's Something About Harry - Harry finds he is going blind. Has he been playing with his wand too much?

Top Ten Signs Your Kid is a Wizard

10. When he enters a room there is a burst of purple smoke.
9. You say, "Do you think that lawn is gonna mow itself?" But then it does!
8. He gets busted shoplifting a newt.
7. Can turn lead into gold, but he can't remember to take out the trash.
6. He wears shiny red satin robes - and you're praying he's just a wizard.
5. Favorite discount electronics store: "The Wiz."
4. He refers to Halloween as "amateur night."
3. He's only 12, but somehow he's dating Gwyneth Paltrow.
2. His favorite excuse is that "his homework ate the dog."
1. You catch him in the bathroom polishing his wand.

You Have Read Too Many Books and Seen Too Many Movies About Harry Potter When:

*You mutter nonsense latin words under your breath.
*You call your least favorite teacher Snape.
*Your computer says "You've Got Mail" and you run outside looking for an owl.
*You actually ask for a broom for Christmas.
*You mutter "lumos" under your breath every time you turn on a flashlight.
*You sort everyone you meet into the four Hogwarts houses. (Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff and Slytherin.)
*You were burned when you couldn't get through the flames of your fireplace.
*You had to go to the hospital after you broke your nose running headfirst into the wall between platforms nine and ten.
*The wand order mistake in GoF drove you crazy, and even after it was "corrected" you still came up with dozens of theories to explain why that happened.
*You point a normal things like parking meters and say "Look at the things these muggles dream up!"
*You collect plugs.
*You try on every piece of silvery fabric your mom has to see if you turn invisible.
*Before getting up to get something, you always try to summon it first. Accio TV remote!

*You watched "Love, Actually" because two minor Harry Potter actors were in it.
*You were reduced to tears when you finally had book 5 in your hands.
*You refer to your Chemistry class as Potions, and all your friends think you're mad.
*You spend hours tapping bricks in special orders hoping that a secret entrance to Diagon Alley will appear.
*When playing chess, you yell orders to the chess players and get upset when they don't move.
*You yell into the "tellyfone."
*You get extraordinarily emotional every time you hear "Hedwig's Theme".
*Despite being an American, you use the word "wicked" all the time because Rupert Grint does.
*You get thoroughly overexcited every time you see a word somewhere that is distantly linked with HP (ie. Saint Hedwig's).
*You name all of your pets after HP characters.
*You get in to heated arguments over how much gel Tom Felton had in his hair in the first two movies.
*You know that Harry's birthday is July 31, 1980, Hermione's birthday is September 19, 1980 and Ron's birthday is March 3rd, 1980 even though it never said in the books.
*You refer to Voldemort as "You-Know-Who", and your friends don't have any idea who you're talking about.
*You went out and bought the latest editition of the Webster's Dictionary because they added the word "muggle".
*You were kicked out of the movie theater for standing on your chair, throwing your shoe at the screen and yelling "THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN IN THE BOOK!" over and over again, even for the most trivial differences.
*You count the days until you're old enough for your apparating license, and everyone else thinks you're talking about driving.

Some people have had just about enough of Harry Potter! After writing this, I certainly have; after reading this post perhaps you have too!

No.1060

Friday, July 27, 2007

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Pearly Gates

If you believe in creation as espoused in the Bible, then Adam and Eve's children would actually have had to have sex with one another for the earth to have become populated.
This is surely proof positive that Alabama was at one time the Garden of Eden

After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."

There was a man called Jim, who lived near a river. Jim was a very religious man.
One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get in the boat with him. Jim says "No, that's ok. God will take care of me."
So, the man in the boat drives off. The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time, another boat comes along and the person in that one tells Jim to get in. Jim replies, "No, that's ok. God will take care of me."
The person in the boat then leaves.The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney. Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in. Jim tells her "That's ok." The woman says "Are you sure?" Jim says, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me.
Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns. Jim gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God. Jim says to God "You told me you would take care of me! What happened?"
God replied "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon
a cave. Across the wall of the cave the following symbols were
carved, in this order: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a
Star of David. They decided that this was a unique find, and the
writings were at least three thousand years old. They chopped out
the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where
archaeologists from all over the world had come to study the ancient
symbols.

They held a huge meeting, after months of conferences to discuss the
meaning of the markings. The president of the society stood up and
pointed at the first drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We
can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high
esteem. You can also tell that they were intelligent, as the next
symbol resembles a donkey; so they were smart enough to train animals
to help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of
some sort, which means they even had tools to work with. Even
further proof of their intelligence is the fish which means that if a
famine had hit the earth whereby the crops didn't grow, they would
take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of
David, which means they were evidently Hebrew."

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said,
"Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. This is what it says
........... 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on That Woman!!'


The new minister's wife had a baby.The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it.When the next child arrived, the minister appealed again and the congregation approved again.Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expense. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister. Finally, the minister stood and shouted out, "Having children isan Act of God!" An older man in the back stood and shouted back, "Rain and snow are Acts of God, too, and we wear rubbers for them!"

Amen.

No.1059

Thursday, July 26, 2007

The Shape of Things To Come?

For a little bit of nostalgia and some laughs, if you don't read another blog tonight, check out my fellow wordsmith's post over at Verbicidal Tendencies.

I "borrowed" the following from Phil at Phils Phun.


FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP FOR ME....

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.

Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion,but the Indian Embassy in Canberra has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a service station, a doughnut shop or a motel in Australia.

If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones
Giving technical advice to either Telstra, Optus or Citibank.
Well that got me to thinking how the landscape has changed in recent memory over the years, especially when it comes gas stations and convenience stores. Don't get me wrong, the Hindu people are a hardworking people. I am not going to rant about their enterprising endeavors...........

But I did not say that I wouldn't poke fun at them either!

I'm going to borrow a title from an H.G. Wells book, The Shape of Things To Come, and peek into the not so distant future at not only the Hindu, but the Arab influences as well. You might think of this under another title:

Coming Soon to a Neighborhood Near You.

-Okay so they got rid of the trans-fat oils, what might be in them now? 100% beef? Two all beef patties on a sesame seed pocket bread.

Imagine the Burger King "King-thing" wielding a scimitar.

Will it still be finger lickin' good over at the Ayatollah Sanders joints?

Yes, I'm afraid the commercial landscape as we know is going to change dramatically.

Is that venerable icon of the cigarette industry, The Marlboro Man destined to be replaced by Hashish Man ?


The impact will be felt on the newsstands also. Playboy Magazine will be at the forefront to dip into a heretofore untapped market. A possible sell-out issue:

The Girls of Afghanistan

Yes, these gals are going to bare it all! (Except their faces!)

Perhaps the words of the Yardbirds in their hit, Shape of Things To Come , was a warning:

There are new dreams
Crowdin' out old realities
There's revolution
Sweepin' in like a fresh new breeze
Let the old world make believe
It's blind and deaf and dumb
But nothing can change the shape of things-
Nothing can change the shape of things-
Nothing can change the shape of things-
Nothing can change the shape of things to come.

(All of the above images were lifted from The Silverbacks.)

You have been warned!

No.1058

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Requiem For a Redneck

( (What the World Needs is) A Few More Rednecks) - Charlie Daniels Band

(Chorus)

What this world needs is a few more rednecks
Some people ain't afraid to take a stand
What this world needs is a little more respect
For the Lord and the law and the workin' man


Over two years ago, 1/31/05, I posted Hillbilly and Proud of It, in response to an "anonymous" commenter who took exception to the term "hillbilly." The linked post's title alone stated my exception to his.

This past weekend I overheard another put down, not of hillbillies, but of rednecks. I can joke about hillbillies and rednecks, and I have many times here, because both are in my blood. There's not a lot of distinction between one or the other. The term hillbilly is just a matter of where they choose to live.

We could use a little peace and satisfaction
Some good people up front to take the lead
A little less talk and a little more action
And a few more rednecks is what we need


A loud-mouthed woman sitting behind us in a Texas Roadhouse restaurant, which has a distinctive cowboy and redneck atmosphere, was making ignorant comments about rednecks. What set her off was the song (What the World Needs is) A Few More Rednecks by the Charlie Daniels Band, which was being piped through the place.

When the song finished, it made no sense messing up a good song, I turned to her and said, "I don't suppose you even bothered to listen to the words of that song, did you?" She didn't answer but looked down at her plate and moved the food around with her fork. I figured she was probably all talk.

It was too late I was committed. I don't really know if it was so much what she said, but the sound of her voice that got under my skin. I don't wish to come across as a hypocrite, Lord knows I make plenty of jokes and posts about rednecks, but I was born one. I'm qualified to both make light of them and defend them.

I was raised on beans and cornbread
And I like my chicken fried
Yes, I drive a pickup truck
And I'm full of American pride


I keep a Bible on my table
I got a flag out on my lawn
And I don't believe in mindin'
No one's business but my own


And I love them Rambo movies
I think they make a lot of sense
And it's a shame ole John Wayne
Didn't live to run for president


I said to her while the others with her listened with interest, "Rednecks are people too. They live the life they live because they aren't as fortunate as you. You can't understand them? I assure you that they wouldn't understand you either, and I'm not talking about accents either.

They are a simple people yes, but people just the same. I am proud to say that I am a "West-by-God-Virginian" hillbilly too. Like most rednecks we grew up with little. We didn't have much. We couldn't afford it. The difference between you and them, is that growing up they don't realize they don't have much - they are proud of and feel lucky to have what they do have."

[And I'm a catfish connoisseur
And I love the Lynyrd Skynyrd band
And I'm crazy about the NFL
And I'm a diehard NASCAR Fan]


And I don't care what nobody says
I don't trust ole Gorbachev
And I don't know who turned him on
But it's time to turn him off


(Chorus)

She finally spoke up, "I'm sorry. You are right about me. I have no clue about how or why rednecks and hillbillies live the way they do? My parents were wealthy and I got just about everything I ever asked for. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I've never even been out of Massachusetts - ever!"

Incredibly, I felt sorry for her. She was crestfallen. I had burst her bubble and in front of her family or friends. "I'm sorry I stuck my nose into your conversation. I should have minded my own business. It just struck a nerve."

Now they're tryin' to take my guns away
And that would be just fine
If you take 'em away from the criminals first
I'll gladly give ya mine

And I don't mind payin' taxes
But it makes my temper itch
When my hard earned money goes
To make some politician rich

Just then a man whose back had been turned to me the whole time spoke up (would you believe it?)with a distinctive southern drawl. "You did a good thing, son. I suspect I'm as guilty as my wife. I was born and raised in the Fort Knox area and I never went back. My wife always wanted to see where I was born, but I never took her. I guess I got so used to living up here, that I didn't want be reminded of how we lived then."


The exchange grew silent and everyone returned to their meals. As for me, I began to feel a little sad. Except for the death of my parents in last seven years, I hadn't returned to my roots for a long time too. I wasn't much different than that man from Kentucky. The only difference between us? Unlike him, I have not forgotten those roots. I'm not ashamed of my place of origin. I'm proud to a hillbilly and a redneck.

What most people call a redneck
Ain't nothin' but a workin' man
And he makes his livin'
By the sweat of his brow

And the calluses on his hands
Now you intellectuals may not like it
But there ain't nothin' that you can do
Cause there's a whole lot more of us common-folks
Then there ever will be of you

Outside on the parking lot the man and his wife approached me and he handed me a slip of paper and said, "I don't meet many southerners up here. Maybe that's because I usually don't talk about where I come from. Here's my telephone number, I'd like to get together sometime - maybe for a beer?"

I nodded and said, "Sure." I shook his hand and said a phrase that is timeless as any I know, "Remember, you can take the boy out of the hills, but you can't take the hills out of the boy."

You know, now that I have gotten around to posting this, I think I will give him a call - soon. I think he needs that beer and the friendly talk from a fellow redneck more than I do. Although it won't hurt me none either.

(Chorus)

That's what we need
And a few more rednecks is what we need


....Maybe, just maybe, I'd found one.

No.1057

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

...And Somedays You're the Hydrant


NOW I KNOW WHAT MY PROBLEM IS !! (Thanks for the diagnosis, Earl.)

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - (Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.) *

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to bring the mail inside and go through it before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can and notice that the can is full.So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Coke is getting warm and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water. I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on thefloor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: - The car isn't washed - The bills aren't paid - The garbage hasn't been taken out - There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter - The flowers don't have enough water - There is still only 1 check in my check book - I can't find the remote - I can't find my glasses - And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

--It is often said that Scientists are simply too 'stupid' to know thatsomething is impossible. If it were not for this "Ignorance Factor" much of what we now know, would have never come to be.-- Unknown

* -Also known as C.R.S. (Can't Remember Shit)

No.1056

Monday, July 23, 2007

Back Off in Your Own Jack Yard

Sometimes blog material is right there in your morning paper!

BIKINI CUTS

I'll bet your lawn doesn't get this much attention. The women of this 3-month-old company in Memphis, Tennessee, are giving new meaning to bikini cuts.
The women of Tiger Time Lawn Care offer to mow customer's lawns dressed in bikinis - a service that attracts more attention to the ladies than the lawns.
...."Oh yeah, they honk and yell. They can do everything you can imagine," said employee Blair Beckman, 21, of the men in passing cars.
"You get the attention but you also get a tan, which I need," she added.
....Owner Lee Cathey said the bikini service makes mowing lawns more interesting, although the fee is slightly higher.
...."The yards definitely get more attention when there's a bikini on the lawn," Cathey said. "Some customers sit in lawn chairs and have a beer while watching."
....To extend the business beyond the summer, in the fall they plan to rake and pick up leaves in the bikinis. Cathey said that so far there hasn't been any interest in a male version of the bikini lawn cut.
....I wonder if they'll shovel snow during the winter?

CUPCAKE & THE PIMP

A Dorchester, Ma. pimp talked a neurologically challenged teen into turning tricks for him. Fortunately, for the girl, on her first night out on the street, she propositioned a Chelsea police officer and was arrested.
....The charges against her were dropped in exchanged for her cooperation which led to the arrest and subsequent 10-year sentence of 24-year-old Devin Benders. The girl has since moved on to graduate from East Boston High School.
...The girl, nicknamed "Cupcake," met Benders on-line through the much maligned My Space web site. He convinced the girl that she could 'make money and not get into trouble for it' by prosituting herself in Chelsea.
...The girl is inflicted with ataxia, a degenerative disease of the nervous system that affects coordination.

KILLER MAKEUP

It took several hours, but after the layers upon layers of decades of makeup were chiseled off the withered face, the body was finally identified as that of Tammy Faye Messner, age 65. Several cosmetics companies have begun exploratory studies to consider filing for bankruptcy.

IDLE IDIOCY

A man who was deliberating over a new TV asked the young salesman its country of origin. "I'll have to look on the box," the young man said before disappearing into the stockroom. On his return he announced, "Built in Antenna, sir."

Late one night, a New York Yankees fan and a Boston Red Sox fan collided head-on while crossing a bridge. Fortunately, both were unhurt, but their cars were pretty banged up.
..."This is a sign," said the Yankees fan, "that we should put away our diferences and live as friends instead of rivals,"
..."You're right," said the Red Sox fan. He popped open the trunk and took out a bottle of bourbon. "Let's toast our newfound friendship."
...The Yankess fan took a big long swig and handed back the bottle. "Your turn."
..."Nah," said the Sox fan, tossing the bottle into the river below. "I think I'll just wait for the police to show up."

Question: What do you call an assemblage of stars?
Answer: A rehab clinic.


No.1055

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Esprit D'escalier

Have you ever thought of a great comeback to say to someone, but it's too late to use it?

That, my friends, is what is known as an esprit d'escalier. FRom the French, it's a remark that occurs to someone later, after it should have been used. It is usually a witty retort that comes to one after the moment to use it has passed.

Case in point: Today while I was in the supermarket to pick up the usual sundries that always seem to run out at the most inappropriate times, i.e., bread and milk, I was faced with a familiar obstacle. You've seen them, those inconsiderate idiots who with a full shopping cart begin unloading their groceries at the register clearly marked "Express Lane: 10 Items Or Less." It is they who would berate you if you had 11 items!

I, and the lady behind me, also with but two items, said nothing but in turn each rolled our eyes and shrugged in disgust. I can only wonder how many children or elderly persons she may have mowed down to get to that open register before anyone else.

The girl at the register who was perturbed also, chose to say nothing but dutifully began ringing up the lady's haul. Then I spied that dreaded coupon purse. Do I really need to state the obvious that only after the last item had been scanned did she start to finger through the coupons? Do I need to further add the fact that half of them were expired, or that half of the remainder were for a different size or count, and some were a different product other than what she purchased?

The girl at the register could actually speak! "Ma'am it would be a lot easier if you have your coupons ready before you come to the registers." The lady looked at her with the old evil eye and only grunted. The Boy Scouts have a motto, "Be Prepared," but I guess this lady could be excused as she was certainly no boy. Another adage, however, could have applied next: "Cleanliness is next to Godliness." How would you like to handle those coupons as she methodically sorted through them one at a time, licking the tip of her finger each time?

It came as no surprise to the clerk, myself and the lady behind me when she announced that she had forgotten to give the girl her store courtesy card, which would discount any items that were on sale.

She turned to me and said, "Isn't it terrible how slow and inexperienced these kids are they put on the registers?"

I shrugged and tried to exercise some restraint and replied, "Well, this is supposed to be an express lane."

She glared at me and said, "Look here you, I didn't come in here to be insulted!"

Later back at the house, I contemplated the whole incident. It crossed my mind that it could be fodder for a post here but discounted it altogether. After all it was by no means a unique experience. Chances are that nearly everyone who reads this has probably dealt with the same situation.

I chose the name of my Blog, "It Occurred To Me," because it would suggest that I had been thinking about such happenings out there in the real world and then committed those experiences to this forum.

So it was today that it occurred to me that I had missed a golden oppurtunity for a good comeback to that deserving lady in the store. Alas, I didn't react or think of it at the time. Can you say, esprit d'escalier ?

Through the magic of my blog, I'm going to roll back the clock. I'm going to reset that moment in time - and you are there!
Lady: "Isn't it terrible how slow and inexperienced these kids are they put on the registers?"

Mike: "Well, this is supposed to be an express lane."

Lady: "Look here you, I didn't come in here to be insulted!"
(It is here that I will insert my comeback.)
Mike: "Where do you usually go?"
I think that most of you will find what I should have said appropriate. That brings to mind another French term that is fitting: esprit de corps, which is a group spirit which is shared by those in the same group (fellow bloggers).

Anyone think of better comebacks than the one I should have used? Have you any esprit d'escalier moments you'd like to share?

No.1054

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Schmoozing on a Saturday Afternoon

Fortunately I've never been referred to as a schnorer, but I have been called a schmo, a schmuck and a schnook. I've even been called a schlemiel who schleps his duties. Some might say my writing is so much schmaltz. I say to them: "Let them eat wiener schnitzel!"

Imagine my surprise to learn that I have now been tagged as a schmooze.

Lest I was to take umbrage at another attack on my good name, I was pleased to find that "schmooze" meant: to converse casually, especially in order to make a social connection. (Okay, I'm being a little schmaltzy; I knew the definition of the word.) You might say that schmoozing is a lot like blogging!

Yes, I said I was "tagged." Now don't worry, it's not another meme, and yes, I'm going to tag five of you nonetheless. All you need to do is to copy the award image above to display proudly on your site and then tag five enemies blogs you feel should likewise be honored. You see, this tag is actually an AWARD !

To whom do I owe this honor you might ask? From the Land Down Under, where legend and/or rumor has it that the inhabitants there must coat the soles of their shoes, or feet if they have no shoes, with sticky substances in order to keep from falling off into space because there is no gravity on the earth's bottom as there is here in the Land Up Over, I must say thank you to Peter !

These are not schadenfreude-type selections. They are well intentioned. First, I'm going to pour some schnapps to deposit just below my schnozzle before I announce my "schlections."

Keeping with the deliberate alliterations above, my first Schmoozee is one of the first Bloggers I met over two years ago. Peg, better known to many of us as Schnoodlepooh, is an uber pet lover. A visit to her "Poodle City" will confirm that fact. Her posts center around her and her family which consists of Baily, Baxter, and Brody, as well as some feathered friends as well.
She puts up some wonderful photos depicting the adventures and misadventures of her boys. I've never been able to detect any family resemblances, but who am I to question her genealogy? Won't you stop by and say hello?

Over in the thin air of the Colorado Rockies, allow me to introduce you to Ben O. - one funny dude! Ben's blog epitomizes the spirit of schmoozing in that his posts ask for participation from his readers.
He features a weekly Feedback post and the popular Super Caption Contest.
Perhaps the thin air of living a mile above sea level fuels his light-headed hearted humor. Do visit him and see for yourself.

Reading the posts of my next recipient of the Schmooze Award, we must venture back a day to Australia. It seems to me that every Aussie Blogger that I have read has a great sense of humor and posts to his or her blogs with comedic delivery. The site Phils Phun, is no exception. If you are looking for some laughs and good jokes you can't go wrong paying Phil a visit.

Somewhere overseas, in a world he didn't create, there exists a monster of a Blogger. It's downright "scary" what this funny Scary Monster brings to the table over at at his site, Me No Blog ! Deep down inside beneath the monstrous veneer he projects, there is an intelligent and funny person lurking there. His posts are interactive to the extent of cross-posting between the reader and him, not only in the comments but on the respective sites as well.
If you dare, why not take a few tentative steps into his blog crypt?

Last, but by no means the least, I wish to bestow this award upon my deserving friend and partner at Verbicidal Tendencies, Serena Joy. (How's that for a shameless plug?) Sharing my passion for the spoken and written word, SJ's site, Parenthetically Speaking, has a regular feature called "Twisted Linguistics." Sometimes the reader is asked to supply definitions for mutilated words that have been culled from the Blogosphere.
You will always find quizzes and surveys to which you can participate. She opens every post with insights into the foibles of life. You don't have to like to spell to go visit her for a spell.

I'm sure you'll agree that these Bloggers are worthy. I'm equally sure that they will relish your visits and any comments you might leave. You can always congratulate them. Yes? (Who knows, if you haven't yet received a Schmooze Award, you just might if you visit and comment.)

No.1053

Friday, July 20, 2007

Redneck Slang and Sex IQ


Redneck Slang

"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."
"This'll jar your preserves."
"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"Gooder than grits."
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
"Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."
"A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
"When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
"If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
"A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering doo-doo on a marble floor."
"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"Your momma's so fat, when she got on the scales to be weighed, it said 'To be continued'."
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"
"I'm just about as welcome at my inlaws as a hair in a biscuit."

(Here's one my Grandpa use to wear out say:)

"Boy, I'm gonna kick your butt so far up between your shoulders, you'll have to take your shirt off to take a crap."
---------------------------

Redneck Sexual IQ Test

A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
True or False

Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
True or False

Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
True or False

A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
True or False

A G-string is part of a fiddle.
True or False

Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
True or False

Testicles are found on an Octopus.
True or False

Asphalt describes rectal problems.
True or False

Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
True or False

Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
True or False

An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
True or False

A condom is a large apartment complex.
True or False

An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
True or False

A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
True or False

An erection is when Japanese people vote.
True or False

A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
True or False

Pornography is the business of making records.
True or False

Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
True or False

No.1052

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Odor Ode To An Outhouse












OUTHOUSE POEM

The service station trade was slow
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.

No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.

"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.

With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car
Just like three gals before.

She missed the foot log - jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.

She tripped and fell - got up, and then
In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.

Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.

He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish tike,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.

And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear,
"Please use the other hole,
We're paintin' under here!"


Open Letter To a Redneck

Dear Son;

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because
it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother....

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.



ID-in' Bubba

Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer caused by his cigarette. His body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body, so they called his two close friends, Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to come and try to I.D. the body.

Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yep, he's got burnt up purdy bad. Roll 'im over." So, the mortician rolled him over, and Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said, "Nope, dat ain't Bubba."

The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was a little bit strange.

Then, he brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body. Billy-Joe looked at him and said' "Yep, he's burnt up sumpin' real bad. Roll 'im over." The mortician rolled him over, and Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said, "Nuh-uh, 'at ain't Bubba.

The mortician said, "How can you tell?"

Billy-Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two ass holes, ya know."

"What? He had two ass holes? Impossible!" said the mortician.

"Yep. Everyone in town knowed he had two ass holes, cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two ass holes.' "

No.1051

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Bear With Me


The Atheist

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!" Time stopped...the bear froze...the forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The Atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

Converting a Bear

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Illinois University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their particular religion.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation!!!"

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a crick. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's Holy Word, and praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "You fellows don't even know what trouble is until you try to circumcise a bear."

Hunter Without A Gun

There's this guy who shows up at a cabin where these hunters have gathered to hunt bear. Only he shows up without a gun.

The other hunters are very curious. "How you gonna get a bear without a gun?" they ask.

"Do you have a knife?"

"No," says the guy.

"Do you have a club?"

"No," says the guy.

"Don't you worry. I'm gonna get myself a bear. Just wait right here and see."

The guy leaves the cabin and disappears into the hills for several hours.

Eventually he happens upon a bear asleep in his den and he kicks the bear and gets it really angry. As the bear wakes up, he starts to chase after the guy, so the guy starts running back towards the cabin.

Finally the hunters hear him running down the hill and yelling, "Open the cabin door! Open the door!"

They open the door and the guy runs into the cabin and holds the door open behind him. To the terror of the other hunters, an angry bear follows close behind, running into the cabin, too.

Then the guy slams the door shut, and says, "You skin that one. I'll go get another."

No.1050

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

That 4-Letter word: WORK


Whether you are a student looking for that first time or summer job or a long time veteran looking for a change of pace, the following list should help you get on your way...

JOB SEARCH JARGON

COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

FLEXIBLE HOURS: Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.

ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD: You whine, you're fired.

CAREER-MINDED:We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.

SELF-MOTIVATED:Management won't answer questions

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:Some time each night and some time each weekend

DUTIES WILL VARY:Anyone in the office can boss you around.

COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:We have a lot of turnover.

SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.


Human Resources Review

e-mail one:

Attention: Human Resources

Joe Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Joe never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Joe takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping
coffee breaks. Joe is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Joe can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Joe be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Regards,
Project Leader

e-mail two

Attention: Human Resources

Joe Smith was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines
[1, 3, 5, 7,9,11, and 13] for my true assessment of his ability.

Regards,
Project Leader


Down Sizing

An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill...

He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early.

Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk.

Then the manager thought he'd wait & see who would leave work the earliest and both employees stayed after closing.

Jill finally went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her and said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."

Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."


A BIZARRE INTERVIEW TECHNIQUE

A man walks into a building and tells the manager that he wants to join their organization. The manager says, "Okay, but there is one rule you have to follow. You cannot get an erection while you are trying to join this group."

The man says, "Okay."

He is stripped of his clothing. A bell is tied around his penis and he is put into a room with nine other men who are also trying to join. Then a naked woman is sent walking across the room and nine bells are quiet, and his is ringing away. The man begs for another chance and is given this chance.

The woman walks by again and again the man's bell rings again. The manager says to the man, "Pick up your stuff and go. You are unfit for this organization."

As the man bends down to pick up his stuff, the other nine bells start ringing.

No.1049

Monday, July 16, 2007

Lessons In Management

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his newest employees.

"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
................................

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
................................

(The following was "borrowed" from my lovely and sexy friend Cheri.)

Work hard today!
(In every way possible)

20 Minute Management Course

Lesson One

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.


Management Lesson:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
____________________________________
Lesson Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day , after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Management Lesson:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
____________________________________
Lesson Three

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Management Lesson

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
____________________________________
This ends your three-minute management course.

No.1048

Sunday, July 15, 2007

That Which Shall Remain Nameless

Suggestions for
Michael Moore's

next project:

Just why
are
Dr. Phil
and Oprah

on television?




Cletus Clyde's RedNeck Dictionary

Alarm System
- The dog

Feedback - Vomit

Fractions - Hard for 5 outta 4 people

Limousine - Pickup truck with a Crew Cab

Polygon - Bird cage left open

Shotgun - Best man at Redneck weddings

Sunblocker - Baseball cap





I know what

I'm doing.

Knock on

wood!

Knock! Knock!

Who's there?




Warning!

The next panel contains explicit material

that might be offensive to some

and will be to others!


You were warned!


Just like she

promised,

Becky Sue

did things

to him

he'd never

experienced

before.




Sorry - that one was so funny that I couldn't resist adding it to this post!

No.1047

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Oh No! It's Saturday the 14th!


If there is one thing certain about a Friday the 13th, it is the fact that it is invariably followed by a Saturday the 14th! (You have my permission to quote me on that.)

This Friday the 13th was essentially uneventful for me. I was only able to find one ladder propped up against a building on a busy sidewalk. Alas, only one of the pedestrians exhibited any signs of horror when I deliberately passed under it in defiant nonchalance. If that wasn't bad enough, the small hand mirror that I purposely let fall to the sidewalk while I was under the ladder didn't break! I was even wearing my cap which bears the large number "13" on it.

I suppose there are some who might argue that those two acts cancelled out each other. Others might say that since my deliberate acts didn't achieve the desired effect, it was my bad luck.

To me stuporstitions superstitions and even the acknowledgement of them, fly in the face of wisdom and logic. We don't live in the dark ages! If you said to me that unfortunate events happen because of fate, I might accept that. However, if you suggested carelessnes, clumsiness, and plain old ignorance as explanations, you'd get an A+ on your report card if I were grading.

Here is one good thing about Friday the 13th - (it struck me as funny) this 7/13/07 Mr. Boffo cartoon:

Some Saturday the 14th sillies:

Overheard at a Science Convention:
~1st Geek - "See ya later, Calculator."
~2nd Geek - "After while, Audiophile."

Said one frog to another: "I've decided that when the time comes, I'd like to donate my body to scientific research."

Yoga - Origami for the body.

The dyslexic agnostic suffers from insomnia because he stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

Work is just Hell with fluorescent lighting.

Anatomy is something everyone has, but it sure looks better on a woman!

Bigamy loves company.

Hear about the redneck who broke his remaining tooth on a chocolate? He didn't know it was his girlfriend's cell phone.

Baby Viper: "I don't like the vipers next door.
Mama Viper: "Why is that?"
Baby Viper: "They won't let me hiss in their pit."
Mama Viper: "The nerve! I knew them when they didn't have a pit to hiss in."

What do Viagra and Disney Land have in common?
They both leave you standing around for an hour for a 2-minute ride.


"The only time a woman really succeeds changing a man is when he's a baby." - Natalie Wood

No.1046