With 'Em or Without 'Em

I'm just a typical male, your everyday Average Joe. If I had a dollar bill for every time I've tried to figure out women and failed, I'd be a wealthy man.

Then again, if I had all that dough some dame would've convinced to me to have spent it on her. I guess that brings me back to square one.

I can't figure them out. For example, take this lady:

~~Peeping Tom~~
"My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have killed him if we hadn't stopped her," said George.

"He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?" replied his friend.

"No, that's not what made her the maddest," the husband chuckled.

"It's not?" asked the friend.

"No, she got mad when he reached in the window and closed the curtains!"

Then there was this gal:

~~Kiting~~
A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. However, every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing back down.

This goes on for a while, when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells," You need more tail."

The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I'll never understand your mother. Yesterday, I told her I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite!"

Women ! Who can figure 'em out ?

~~The Gift~~
Like the time that the kids were grown up and gone, my ex-wife once said to me that she needed more "outside interests".

One day, I thought I'd surprise her and presented her with a brand new fancy lawn mower on her birthday.

She about hit the roof and went into a fit!

I've come to he conclusion that the only way you use the words 'women' and 'figure' in the same sentence is when you are referring to the shapes of their bodies!

Consider my next door neighbors:

~~Lost in Translation~~
The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

~ (Borrowed from Phils Phun . )
----------------------------

I think part of the problem is that half the time men don't understand what women are saying. Case in point, read what happened to this poor guy:

~~Road Courtesy~~
A woman was driving on the road and a man was driving in the opposite direction on that same road.

When they passed each other, the woman rolled down her window and shouted, "PIG!"

Immediately the man shouted back, "BITCH !"

The man laughed because he was happy to have reacted so quickly to the shouting woman, and took the turn in the road with high speed.

The man was killed by a pig smashing into his windshield.

I blame my problems of not understanding women on my mother. It was all because one incident:

Open Wide
I was just a little boy when I went shopping with my mother and was waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for her to come out. While waiting, I got bored, and just when she came walking out, she saw me sliding my hand up a mannequin's skirt.

"Get your hand out of there!" she shouted. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

I quickly snatched my hand away and thanked my lucky stars I didn't get bitten.

For the next ten years, I grew up believing all women had teeth between their legs. When I was 16, I had my first girlfriend. One night, while her parents were out of town, she invited me over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she said, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she said, pointing to her crotch.

"HELL NO," I cried, "you got teeth down there!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responded, "there's no such thing as teeth down there!"

"Yes, there are," I countered, "my Mom told me so."

"No, there aren't," she insisted. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulled down her pants and gave him a little peek.

"No, I'm sorry," I said. "My Mom already told me that all women have teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cried. She whipped off her panties, threw her legs behind her head and said, "LOOK, I DON"T have any teeth down there."

I took a good long look and replied," Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"

Needless to say, the relationship with that gal didn't last too long.

I guess if I had to put it in simple terms it would be something like this:

To be happy with a man, a woman must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, a man should love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

№ 1946

A Breath of Hot Air

(I received the following Obama gag in an e-mail from my brother Rick:)

In the washroom in the airport I saw this handwritten sign
posted over one of those hot air hand dryers:

"Please push button and listen for
a short message from the President!"



There's nothing like "hot air" and the smell of
fresh crap to give you that true Obama presence!!!!

An Observation
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

Tooting Her Own Horn
A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession: "Today I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Goodwim came to me and told me that I had the gates to Heaven here between my legs. Then he said that he had the key to Heaven, and he put it in the gates."

"BASTARD!" cried the Mother Superior. "For years he told me it was Gabriel's trumpet and I have been blowing it."

Those Long Nights
There was this Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and then the next morning found out that she was six months pregnant.

It's Good For What Ails You
A man wakes up in the middle of the night and rolls over and shoves an aspirin down his wife's throat. All of a sudden she wakes up and yells, "What in the hell are you doing?"

"Just giving you an aspirin for your headache," the man answered.

"But I ain't got a headache," she yelled back.

"Good then, let's have sex!" beamed the man.

All of a sudden, the wife smacked her husband. The husband was totally dumbfounded and asked, "What was that for?"

His wife said, "Because, you are an awful lover".

A couple of minutes later, the husband smacked his wife. This time, the wife was confused and asked, "And may I ask what that was all about?"

The husband said, " Simple, that's for knowing the difference."

A Tenderfoot in the Old West
Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stage coaches and the like were popular, there were three people in a stage coach one day: a true red blooded born and raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well endowed Texas lady.

The city slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job."

The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city slicker on the spot.

The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!"

Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of a woman in Texas!"

Little Rascals: One Day In School
Many readers will remember the Little Rascals (also called Our Gang). The old comedy shorts are still alive and well in reruns. Like kids today, they too had to attend school. In their classroom you might expect to find Spanky, Alfalfa, Darla and Buckwheat among others.

While attending a spelling session in school one day, The teacher asked if anyone could spell the word DUMB?

Darla raised her hand and says "I can, I can."

The teacher replied, "OK, go ahead Darla..."

Darla answered, "D-U-M-B."

The teacher remarked, "Very good,and can you use that word in a sentence?"

Darla replied, "Sure, Buckwheat is very DUMB."

The teacher noted, "OK, well can anyone spell the word STUPID?"

Again, Darla raised her hand, and the teacher called on her, "OK, go ahead Darla."

Darla replied, "S-T-U-P-I-D."

The teacher replied "Very good, and can you use that word in a sentence?"

Darla stated, "Sure, Buckwheat is very STUPID."

The teacher replied, "OK, well let's continue. Can anyone spell the word DICTATE?" No one raised their hand, so the teacher pointed to Buckwheat and asked if he could spell the word DICTATE?

Buckwheat replied, "Sure, D-I-C-T-A-T-E."

The teacher replied, "Very good, Buckwheat. Can you use that word in a sentence?"

Buckwheat beamed proudly, "Sure I can. I may be DUMB and I may be STUPID, but Darla say my DICTATE good."

№ 1945

Square Ad libs

Here is a classic from Verbical Tendencies originally posted by Serena Joy .

If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eye. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous!

Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo! "What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh

№ 1944

Butterfly Dreams (9)

(A sequel to The Strange Story of Mr. Black and Ms Gray.)

They had died when helping thwart a plan to undermine the government of the United States. Now Ben and Susan have returned from the dead and they must bring that government down. Standing in their way are Michael Black and Michelle Gray, the bodies of whom they now occupy.

-(The Story begins HERE)-

Jordan's Endgame
I watched as he struggled to slip into the passenger seat. His manner pensive, he waved his hand to signal for me to drive. As we weaved through the garage floors and finally out onto the street his eyes remained fixed on the hood ornament of the car.

His lower lip barely visible beneath an overgrown gray moustache he spoke at last, "I have no doubt that I am being followed. I trust you know of someplace secure?"

"Secure, maybe," I answered. "Safe, definitely."

He cleared his throat and spoke with slow deliberation, "When I arrived at my office this morning I found that it had been trashed." He paused until he was certain he had my attention before continuing, "The desk drawers and filing cabinets had been rifled. My keys to the labs were missing."

Keeping with the Michael Black persona I said, "I see. Do you think they were after any records left behind of our research? They took everything, didn't they?"

He shook his head, "Not everything. They left something behind. They left us ..."

I glanced at him, "By us, I assume you mean Michelle and myself ... and you."

"Except we know something they don't know, don't we?" he said with a smirk.

"Professor, I'm not following ..."

He waved his hand in my direction, "You're secret is safe with me, Mr. Bering."

Stunned by his declaration, I veered onto a parking lot and slammed on the brakes. Throwing the shift into park I peered into his eyes, "How?"

He ran a finger across his moustache and replied, "I knew that once a mind has been transferred, it can never be returned to its original body. I knew that the two of you weren't Michael and Michelle. When I heard about the deaths of Benjamin Bering and Susan Parsons ... well, I simply put two and two together."

"I see," I grunted, "Then you knew that Michael's and Michelle's minds had been transferred into the other?"

He lowered his head and stared at his hands folded in his lap. "I'm afraid I was responsible for that." Sensing that I was staring at him he added, "It was an accident."

"Michael .. ah, in Michelle's body .. never mentioned that you knew what had happened to them. If I remember correctly, the only mention of you, Professor Jordan, was when you delivered the news that their research was being shut down."

"Shut down?" he growled. "It was stolen from us ... er them."

His near slip of the tongue had my attention. Professor Jordan had been the head of the science department at Northeastern University. The research in which Michael and Michelle had been working had been under his auspices. Somehow, we had overlooked just how much he must have known about their experiments.

Had he not said moments before that he was responsible for their minds being swapped? Why then, had not tried to help them? Despite his claim, perhaps it had been an accident after all!

I was about pursue the fact when something struck the windshield, its force causing spider-webbed cracks to appear in the glass. Had it not been for the bullet-proof glass, Jordan would have surely been killed by a shot to the head.

"Sniper!" I yelped and threw the car into gear. With tires screeching in protest on the pavement of the lot I careened out into the busy street. Barely missing a collision with a UPS carrier, I righted the vehicle without touching the brakes.

Ignoring the angry horns of two cars as I swerved in front of them, I swung onto Washington Street in the direction of the Financial District. Slowed down by the traffic on the busy street, I loosened my knuckle-white grip on the steering wheel and exhaled slowly.

Visibly shaken the professor muttered, "They ... they tried to kill me!"

I glanced at my distressed passenger and queried, "Why would they want you dead? Why now?"

"I ... I don't know," he whispered. His demeanor could not hide the fact that he was holding back something. I thought that perhaps he wasn't certain that I was someone he could trust. It was imperative that I gained that trust. Directly or indirectly, and whether he wanted it or not, he was embroiled in not only the current events but those of a year ago also.

Idling at a red light I quipped, "There are five people among the missing right now and there has been attempt on your life ... and you know nothing?" He shook his head but I pressed on, "Then tell me, why did you go see Stu Jankowski?"

He said nothing as his fingers fumbled for something in his shirt pocket. He removed a small piece of crumpled paper and held it aloft. "This morning I found this on the floor at my apartment. Someone must've slid it under the door."

I groaned in anguish as I gazed upon the image on the paper of an all too familiar symbol. "A butterfly. A god damned blue butterfly!"

"Yes, one of those cursed butterflies," he nodded weakly. "I was afraid she was in terrible danger. I thought Mr. Jankowski might be able to offer some ... discreet assistance."

"She?" I asked. While awaiting his response, the light turned green and I drove through the intersection.

He raised a hand to the back of his head and rubbed his neck. "My daughter."

Taken aback, I stared at the old man for a moment before speaking, "Your daughter? But, Rosie's father was General Gates."

"Rosie? Oh,no ... not Rosie. Her step-sister is my daughter!" he exclaimed. He grabbed my arm and pleaded, "Please, she must not know this ... ever."

We were lurched forward by a sudden violent crash from behind. "What the ...?" I snapped. In the rear view mirror I could make out the looming grill of a military Humvee.

( To be continued 4/2 with ...

Butterflies Are Not Free )№ 1943

A Funny Thing Happened ...

on the way to the computer room ...

I had just had some supper and was carrying a freshly-poured cup of hot coffee on my way to the front of the house to the small computer room.

As I was passing through the living room, Smokey our cat decided to attack my shoe laces. His siege on my foot placed right into my path.

There was a sudden "yowwrrr" as my foot and his body collided. The cat dashed off even as I tried to maintain my balance and not fall, all the time trying to hold onto the cup of hot coffee without spilling it.

I ended up spinning around and falling backward and in an upright sitting position in my reclining chair. I landed on the switch which activated the motor and it began tilting the chair back.

Miraculously, the cup of coffee was still in my hand and except for a few drops running down the side of the cup and onto my hand, not a drop had been spilled on me, the chair or the floor.

I was returning the chair to the upright position when the cat decided that underneath the elevated footrest of the chair was a good place to take shelter. Except, I hadn't seen it go there.

With the chair upright and my feet on the floor I was about to set the cup of coffee on the end table next to me. There was a sudden "yowwrrr," not from the cat, but from my own vocal chords. Smokey, apparently still thinking we were playing, had reached his paw out from beneath the chair and had dug his claws into my ankle!

I jumped up, cup still in hand. Somehow, once again I managed to hold onto the cup without spilling it. Finally, I placed the cup on the table and moved to the center of the room and watched his paws groping blindly from beneath the chair.

For the moment he was trapped behind the foot rest of the chair. It was lucky that he had not gotten hurt by the mechanisms of the chair when the motor was running. It was also lucky that none of the coffee had been spilled.

"Bad boy!" I said to him. "You stay there for a while. It'll keep you out of trouble until I have my coffee."

Then I remembered that when I got home from work I hadn't had a clue as to what I was going to post tonight. I looked at the cup of coffee on the table and the gray paws digging at the floor and foot rest of the chair ...

Inspired by the incident I thought, what the heck. It was something, an anecdotal something to write about. So I fired up the computer in the next room and while the start-up programs were running I retrieved the cup of coffee.

There I sat, a maestro at the keyboard ... Okay, so it's not a symphony or a sonata produced by my fingertips. I happened to have the two black & white cartoons above in my files and I decided to craft the narrative around them.

Of course, there was still the matter of poor Smokey trapped under the recliner. I finished my coffee and placed the empty cup on the TV tray-table next to my chair. I pushed the button on the chair control and watched him dart to freedom.

He began to race around the room; into the window, onto the back of the chair, behind the couch. "Crazy cat," I said aloud.

I looked under the still-elevated footrest and wouldn't you know it, there lie one of his new toys - a catnip laced toy! He'd gotten as high as a kite while under there. He zipped through my legs and into the computer room. Then I a heard a crash!

The TV tray-table was tipped over and there was a large puddle of water on the hardwood floor. The empty coffee cup had landed in his plastic bowl of water. After grabbing a towel, some paper towels and a sponge mop, I cleaned up the mess and righted the table.

I put everything away and then refilled his water dish. Then I wondered, "Now, where is that little bugger?"

He was in the living room, stretched out on the back of the sofa. He looked at me as if to say, "What?"

When I was just about finished putting the details of the Smokey's misadventure on screen, I decided to check on him. He was still there on the back of the sofa, perhaps sleeping off the effects of the catnip.

Before I closed off this entry and before publishing it, I took a break to watch the final quarter of the Boston Celtics' game vs the Denver Nuggets. A few minutes later he moved from the back of the sofa and crawled onto my lap. He looked up at me as if to say, "That was fun. We should do it again sometime."

As he curled up in my lap purring away, I was reminded of the fact that "we don't own cats - they own us."

№ 1942

Gone To Hellth

A little known fact behind one of history's memorable moments:

During a power outage, Benjamin Franklin took desperate measures to post the latest entry to his "Poor Richard's Almanac" web site.

Speaking of power outages:

~~~Capital Punishment~~~
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to a call of woman in labor.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Her mother pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!"

~~~Health Plans~~~
Two guys have 9 a.m. appointments at a vasectomy clinic. A young nurse preps them for surgery. She tells the first guy to take off his clothes and sit on an exam table. Then, she takes his manhood in her hands and masturbates him. She tells him that it is standard procedure to make sure there are no blockages.

Once done, the nurse tells him to sit down and repeats her instructions to the second guy. When he is on the exam table, the nurse performs oral sex on him. Upon seeing this, the first guy says, "That's not fair. Why does he get oral sex?"

The nurse says, "Sorry, that's the difference between Blue Cross and an HMO."

I was surfing around trying to find a joke about Obama's Health Care bill. Except for his own not so funny reference to "Thelma and Louise," I didn't have much luck.

Then I realized - Obama's Health Care bill IS the joke!

You know, it's just another suppository he has given to the American people!

~~~National Health Care~~~
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower, and spinach, with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Haagen Das Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, "You want hot fudge with that?"

Man relied, "Yes!"

And Woman said, "I'll have one too ...with sprinkles."

And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green garden salad." And Satan presented crumbled Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and the 99 cent double cheeseburger. Then Satan said, "You want fries with that?"

And Man replied, "Yes! And super size ' em!"

And Satan said, "'It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then Satan chuckled and created the National Health Care.

Finally, a few jokes about - (what else?) - healthy sex.

~~~Money's Worth~~~
A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stonewall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me poot ma hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her leg. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Angus blurted out: "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

~~~Something Different~~~
After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested that they vary their positions.

"For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheel barrel. Lift her legs from behind and off you go."

The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.

"Well, okay," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions - First, if it hurts, you will stop right away. And second," she continued, "you have to promise we won't go past my mother's house."

Lastly, here's one I "lifted from Jack and Blue at How Now Blue Cow :

~~~Morning Delight~~~
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen, table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

№ 1941

Tiger's Sextionary

Tiger Woods' Return
The world will be watching Tiger Woods tee off for the first time since his scandalous affairs.

Officials of the PGA will be chomping at the bits as the upcoming 2010 Masters Tournament gets underway at the Augusta National golf course. Live coverage of the event will begin April 8 and will run through the 11th. They are expecting record viewer interest this year. Viewership will not be limited to those who are predisposed with an interest in the sport of golf, quite the contrary, people who never watch golf are expected to tune in in droves.

You can bet that Elin, Woods' wife, will not be watching. She certainly will not be attending the event. It's a shame that the TV network did not follow in the footsteps of Woods' former endorsers and refuse to televise the event. Alas, money is money, and BIG money rules!

I overheard two women talking about the Masters. They were going to watch because they wanted to see if any of Tiger's former mistresses will be in the galleries and if they will interviewed. I hate to see them disappointed, but the straight-laced officials at Augusta National would not even let those women within a mile of the place. Any one in the gallery who decides to heckle Woods will be promptly removed. People with signs will similarly be escorted off the premises.

As if Tiger's troubles weren't bad enough, another piece of damning information is about to be revealed to the world. It seems that in addition to his famous personal Black Book, he even carried a dictionary around with him. However, calling it a dictionary is a misnomer. Myself, I would label it a Sextionary. Its cover bears the title "Kama Sextra."

Not only is it a dictionary of sex-related terminology, but all of the entries are made-up words containing the letters s-e-x. It would appear that he liked to create his own lexicography to describe his sexual experiences and encounters. Since it's old news that he has had a lot of experiences and a lot of encounters, it should not come as a surprise just how large of a vocabulary he possessed.

I have to admit that my spell-checker not only went crazy while I was typing in some of the excerpts, but it threatened to go on strike!

Tiger's Sextionary
dysexic - calling Marie Mary while doing it

sexaggerate - to stretch the truth about the sex to friends
sexalt - to praise sex partner, whether true or not
sexam - check up after sex to be safe
Sexcalibur - what I call mine
sexcavate - to really dig in

sexcel - to give or get great sex
sexcentric - prone to strange sex practices
sexcess - a lot of sex
sexchange rate - the going price
sexcise - tax on sex, especially in Nevada

sexclusion - deleted a name from Black Book
sexcommunicated - told by a girl she doesn't want to see me again
sex crime - being shut off, denied sex
sexcrutiating - discomfort felt in car, on table, on floor
sexcursion - out cruising for babes

sexcuse - made up reason for inability to perform
sexecute - to perform
sexercise - a workout, especially push ups
sexertion - energy spent performing
sexhaustion - spent, tired or sleepy after sex

sexhibit - to display what I've got and what they'll want
sexile - banished from the bedroom
sexistence - living for sex
sexit - to pull out
Sexodus - time to leave, go home

sexogamy - having many sexual partners (yeah!)
sexonerate - to make up for previous poor performance
sexorbitant - having too much sex (Hah!)
sexorcism - what they tried to do to me at that clinic
sexotica - xxx porn movies

sexpectations - looking forward to having sex
sexpense - cash outlay to have sex
sexperiment - try different things
sexpertise - skill in the sack
sexplanation - story to tell wife why you were late

sexpletives - dirty words used during the act
sexploration - feeling, touching a woman's body, foreplay
sexplosion - release, climax
sexport - a call girl sent to meet you
sexpurgated - removed name from Black Book

sex-rays - undressing woman with my eyes
sexretary - she does more than answer phones and take dictation
sextortion - to threaten to tell using pictures, videos
sextraterrestrial - having sex with the green woman on Star Trek
sextravagance - spending money on woman before she'll have sex

sextreme - wild, wild sex
sextrovert - one who is outwardly open about sex
sexty-nine - sex with three or more women
sexude - to climax
sexurbs - places outside of city to find sex

trisexual - willing to try anything

Yes, his golf bag is packed and he's ready to putter.

№ 1940

Nutrition Bitchin'

Keep your nutrition bitchin' out of our kitchen!*
* I borrowed the opening line from the host of a local dining and restaurant review program, The Phantom Gourmet .

Check out this catchy headline:

Obama Picks Hamburg to Head FDA

President Obama named his pick for Food and Drug Administration (FDA) Commissioner: Food safety and bioterrorism expert Dr. Margaret Hamburg.

Disclosure of nutritional information must be done in a context that allows consumers to make an informed dining decision. Consumers understand that calories are just part of the information necessary to make smart food choices.

Consumers should know about a broad range of nutrition information, including sodium, fat, cholesterol, carbohydrates and protein as well as calories.

While it is difficult to challenge the contents of the above italicized paragraphs, it falls short of discussing the impact Hamburg (pardon the pun) could have on the food industry as a whole.

Legislators, no doubt to be influenced by the new head of the FDA, will be tackling more than nutrition of the food being served in our school systems. Their sights will also be targeting the restaurant industry, especially those franchised establishments.

Disclosure is the operative word. I've read that our government legislators want restaurants, all restaurants, to provide a list of all of the ingredients on all of their menu selections. Such lists would also have to include dyes and colorings added to foods. (I've never read anywhere that Blue Dye № 1, Yellow № 5, etc., have ever been mentioned as being harmful to anyone's health.)

Their potential laws would require that such information would have to displayed on those menu boards over the heads of the fast food workers and on their signage in the lines to the drive-up windows. The sit-down-and-be-served eateries would be required by law to include the list of ingredients on their menus.

I'm not suggesting that this would be a bad thing, but there would be a trickle-down effect. The fine restaurants, as well as the fast-food franchises would have to bear the expense of updating their menus. One doesn't have to a rocket scientist to know that the cost of such an endeavor would be eventually passed on to the customer in the form of higher prices.

Invariably, legislation equals consumer burden.

<-- Having polished off two Big Macs, a large soda and super-sized french fries, Jesse Michelin, son of the Michelin Tire Man, asks the person seated across from him, "Are you going to eat the rest of those fries?"

I'm sorry, but this not where legislation should be aimed. It's not the food or its ingredients. No one is holding a gun to this kid's head and forcing him to eat it! This is a domestic issue. When are the parents going to be held responsible? (I'd say that little brother is heading in the same direction.)

Posting the ingredients on a menu board is going to prevent obesity? Hell no!

I feel a song parody coming on ... a gastronomical anthem ...

You won't hear this version by Julie Andrews in "The Sound of Music."

My Favorite Things
Fat droppings in gravy made by my mother
Golden hot biscuits topped with melting butter
Brown greasy marinade on my buffalo wings
These are a few of my favorite things

Double deck hamburgers and crispy french fries
Large shakes and sodas that come in super-size
Glazed donuts and batter-coated onion rings
These are a few of my favorite things

Some fried chicken and mashed potatoes piled high
A slice of chocolate cake and a piece of apple pie
Steaks smothered in mushrooms and blue cheese dressings
These are a few of my favorite things

When the chili burns
When the sauce stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad.

Pepperoni and cheese on the pizzas they're makin'
Fried eggs over easy and plenty of fatty bacon
And hot dogs tied together on strings
These are a few of my favorite things

Fat droppings in gravy made by my mother
Golden hot biscuits topped with melting butter
Brown greasy marinade on my buffalo wings
These are a few of my favorite things

When the chili burns
When the sauce stings
I'm never feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite foods
And then I am feeling so good.

I'm sure that in this era of "Super Sizing," a suggestion of smaller portions would be entirely out of the question.

In a lot of schools across the country, the snack and soda vending machines have been removed in attempt to get the students to purchase nutritious and healthy cafeteria meals. Have you ever been to a Burger King, Taco Bell, McDonalds, Wendys, KFC, etc., after school lets out? Yep! Loaded with hungry school kids spending their lunch money!

There is no escaping the facts, no matter what the ingredients, no matter the nutritional content, fast food tastes good! So what will the fast food franchisees, those restaurateurs of fine cuisine have to say to the legislators?

Keep your nutrition bitchin' out of our kitchen!
Oh, by the way, three of McDonalds' healthy salad specialties have more calories than their Big Mac sandwich! (They may have contain less fats, but are they really healthier than the burgers?)

Personally I don't eat at the fast food franchises that often, maybe once a week. A second visit is rare. I figure I'm in no serious health danger for those rare visits. I'm on the road all week and those places are convenient. Yes, the food tastes pretty good too.

For the record, movie theater popcorn has never been the same since the movie houses were forced to change the oils and butter they use! Healthier perhaps, but it doesn't taste as good as it did in the old days!

When it comes to health and obesity, maybe some simple math will cause some people to think before they inhale that large submarine sandwich:

Fat Math





In closing, riddle me this: When eating fast foods, WTF is with the DIET cola?

№ 1939

Butterfly Dreams (8)

(A sequel to The Strange Story of Mr. Black and Ms Gray.)

They had died when helping thwart a plan to undermine the government of the United States. Now Ben and Susan have returned from the dead and they must bring that government down. Standing in their way are Michael Black and Michelle Gray, the bodies of whom they now occupy.

-(The Story begins HERE)-

The Cast: In Order of Disappearance
Extraordinary measures were being taken to remind us that there others who knew of our secrets. If their efforts were intended to get our attention, they had succeeded.

Our complacency had left us vulnerable. We had not counted on their resolve to reassert their power. Our attempts to shut down their operations had been little more than a setback.

It was troubling that they had chosen to strike so close to home. Not only had they abducted Rosie, but it was possible they were also responsible for David's disappearance.

They, I thought, just who were they? The Feds? It was the Feds who'd absconded the security tapes from the nursing home. Perhaps it was the same nonexistent government agency we'd dealt with the year before, once again flexing their muscles.

I sighed in despair. The resurrection of our former bodies was no doubt an impressive display of flexed muscles. I had no doubt that forthcoming there would be direct contact with our tormentors. Only then would we know their intentions.

Ten minutes later as I pulled into the parking garage beneath the King Enterprises Tower I noticed that Michelle's parking space was empty. Curious, I thought. We were supposed to meet at the office after my meeting with Stu Jankowski. With all that had been happening, she would not have gone elsewhere without letting me know.

The elevator ascending to the penthouse offices, I checked my cell phone. It was possible she'd tried to reach me while I was with Stu at the Attic. In the noisy barroom I might not have heard the phone's ring tone. There were no messages.

When the elevator doors slid open and I stepped into the lobby of our offices Helen our receptionist looked up in apparent surprise. "Mr. Black? You're back so soon?"

Because it was the first time that day that I'd set foot in the office I raised my eyebrows and echoed, "Back so soon?"

"Uh ... yes, sir. You just left here ten minutes ago with Mrs. Black," she replied. "I saw the two of get into the elevator. But ... I could've sworn you were wearing a different suit."

Thinking fast I said, "Sorry, I didn't realize you'd seen me. Michelle forgot something and asked me to come back up for it. She's waiting for me in the garage. As for the suit, I ... er ... had a change of suit jackets in my car."

She nodded, swiveled in her chair and turned her attention to a report she had been typing. I crossed the lobby and entered our private office where I stood for several minutes looking upon the Boston skyline through the large window by Michelle's desk.

"It had to be him," I whispered to myself. "He disappeared after that incident at City Hall last year." I slammed my fist into the palm of my other hand. "What's he up to? And why now?"

Army Corporal Jeremy Baxter had been instrumental in helping us to prevent the theft of the mind of the President of the United States. His smoke bombs had created a diversion which had allowed me, in my former body of Ben Bering, to disrupt the mind transfer signal aimed at the brain of our Commander-in-Chief.

Baxter was also an indistinguishable double of Michael Black. It was understandable that our receptionist would have thought it was me who'd entered the elevator with Michelle. Surely, he hadn't fooled Michelle!

My thoughts were interrupted by the buzzing of the desk phone. I enabled the speaker, "Yes, Helen?"

"Sorry to disturb you, Mr. Black, but there's a Roberta Allen on the other line."

"Yes, Stu Jankowski's secretary. Put her through."

With a click the call was forwarded followed by the woman's nervous voice, "Mr. Black, is Mr. Jankowski with you?"

"Why, no. We parted company nearly an hour ago. I assumed he must have returned to the Globe," I answered.

"No, he hasn't returned. I'm looking out the window and his car is on the lot. It's not like him to be late for a meeting."

"No, it's not like Stu," I said. "He did ... ah ... seem to be rather occupied when he left me." I paused for a moment to avoid detailing our meeting. "I assume it was a staff meeting."

"No. It was a private meeting with an individual. He's been waiting outside ... that's odd? He's gone."

"Hmmm, I guess he got tired of waiting. May I ask who it was?" I asked as my years as an investigative reporter instinctively tweaked my curiosity.

"Yes, of course. Jordan ... a Professor Jordan from Northeastern University," she replied.

"I can't place the name," I responded although there was something vaguely familiar about it. "Look, Roberta, I have to run, but if I hear from Stu I'll have him call you ASAP. And if you hear from him, could you be so kind as to leave a message with my receptionist? Don't worry, I'm sure he's okay."

The call disconnected, I returned my gaze to the concrete and steel structures overlooking Boston Harbor. Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that had I heard that name before. Was it a name from a trace memory of Michael Black or one belonging to Ben Bering? Perhaps both personae knew of it.

I was forced to save the mystery for another time. There were much larger and more pressing puzzles to solve. It wasn't lost on me that except for Brock O'Day and myself, nearly everyone involved with the events of last year were inexplicably missing. It was a different drama, but the players were the same.

Although alone in the office, I counted aloud the cast, in order of disappearance, "Rosie, Fay, David, Michelle and Stu ..." I squeezed my lips together and grew silent. The circumstances of how they all came to be missing were different, but there was no doubt in my mind that they were all somehow connected.

I drew in a deep breath and let it out in a series of exasperated puffs. There were other connections. Of course, there was the miraculous resurrection of the bodies of Ben and Susan. Then Baxter appeared on the scene. It was obvious that these were not coincidences. There had to be a common denominator in all of this madness!

Then the name hit me! Professor Jordan was the head of the Science department at Northeastern University. He had been employed in that capacity when the government had wrested control of the project that Michelle and Michael had been researching.

That research had been the bane of our existences ever since. It had led to our deaths and our subsequent reincarnations. Our former bodies, those of Ben Bering and Susan Parsons, had been interred with the dead souls of Michael Black and Michelle Gray. Yet, the souls of Ben and Susan were very much alive in the bodies of the latter pair.

Then on the nursing home security tape there was the appearance of the bodies of Ben and Susan, our former bodies, looking very much alive. Why and how had they been brought to life? And by whom? Whose minds did they house?

It seemed that the key connection had to be Professor Jordan. I told Helen to clean my schedule and left the office. I had to find the professor before he became the next person to be counted among the missing.

I had taken only two steps off the elevator into the garage when I spotted a dapper little man leaning against my car. He nodded as I approached.

I nodded in return, "Professor Jordan, I presume."

( To be continued 3/26 with ...

Jordan's Endgame )
№ 1938

Stooge in the Deluge

Rain, rain ... now that you're gone ... Don't come back !!!

<-- I'm not going to say that we got a lot more rain up here in New England than anywhere else in the country, but there sure were a lot of strange sights to see if one was daring enough to be driving around.

As suggested by the title of this post, I was out driving around like a stooge in the deluge. But in my defense, my job for elderly services requires me to be out and about (if possible) regardless of the conditions.

We had non-stop rain Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday - six straight days! The heaviest days were Saturday, Sunday and Monday.

There were over-flowing rivers and reservoirs in many of the cities and towns. I was detoured several times because of flooded streets and highways. Because my brakes were soaked from passing through five to six inches of water in places, every time I tried to slow down or stop I nearly found my face pressed against the windshield.

In some areas people with small boats were actually ferrying people to dry land from their cars which had died and had become stranded in standing water.

Had that happened to me and this gal had offered me a ride, ---> I just might have gotten the wrong idea. I wonder how many (men) would have deliberately driven into the flooded street? Didn't they call those flotation devices 'Mae Wests'?

Divine Intervention
A man was sitting on his front porch when it started to rain. The rain came down harder and harder and the man realized that it was a flood. So the flood waters were rising and when the water started to spill over the porch, a man in a rowboat comes by and says, "Need any help?"

But the man said, "Nope, the Lord will take care of me!" A few hours later, the man was standing on a chair on his front porch and another rowboat comes by.

And the man inside yells, "Need any help?"

But the man smiles and says, "Nope, the Lord will take care of me!"

A few hours later, the man is on his roof and a helicopter comes by and the pilot inside yells, "Need any help?!"

But the man just says, "Nope! The Lord will take care of me!"

A few hours later, the flood gets to be too much for the man and he drowns. When he enters Heaven, he asks the Lord, "Lord, why didn't you take care of me?"

The Lord says, "Well, I sent you two rowboats and a helicopter!"

<-- It's nice to know that in times of need, people offer comfort to others.

Especially when there were those calling for help! -->

I'm making light of the fact that we've had flood damage in our area, but it in no way is intended to make fun of those who have suffered serious property losses and damages. We had water in our basement, but nothing valuable was ruined.

The images featured in this post were not actual photographs taken in this area, nor are they recent. I lifted them from around the web solely for illustration purposes. Do you think the first photo might have been photo-shopped?

Finally, the clouds have broken and the sun has been shining bright since Tuesday. By the weekend the temps are supposed to reach the mid 60's.

Windshield wipers slapping time I's, holding Bobby's hand in mine
We sang every song that driver knew
- From "Me and Bobby McGee" as written by Kris Kristofferson and sung by Janis Joplin

It will be nice not to be watching the windshield wipers ...

№ 1937

Irish I's Are Smiling

AER LINGUS MILE HIGH CLUB
A mother and young son were flying Aer Lingus. The son, who had been looking out the plane's window, turned to his mother and said "Mom ... If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

Stumped for an answer the mother suggested to her son that he ask the stewardess. The boy promptly got out of his seat and wandered back to the service area.

"Excuse me" the boy said to the stewardess. "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

"Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

"Yes" He said nodding his head.

She whispered in the boy's ear, "Tell your mother it's because Aer Lingus always pulls out on time."

ENJOYING LIFE
Murphy was 77 years old and had worked 80 hours a week all his life and never had a holiday. His children were all married and his wife had died. He decided to enjoy life. He had a face lift, got a new expensive toupee, bought ten new suits and a brand new car.

One evening he got all dressed up in a new suit, new tie, put on his toupee, and got into his new car and drove off towards Dublin. He was only gone a mile when he was killed in an accident.

On arrival in heaven, he walked over to St. Peter and said, "What's going on here? All my life I worked hard, and finally, when I had everything in place to enjoy myself, I was killed. Why? Why did you let it happen?"

St. Peter ducked his head in embarrassment and said, "Well, to tell you the truth I didn't recognize you."

WORKING DOGS
Four Irishmen were bragging about how smart their dogs were. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a civil servant.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog, "T-square, do your stuff". T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff". Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was clever.

Then the three men turned to the civil servant and said, "What can your dog do?"

The civil servant called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff". Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shat on the paper, shagged the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

TAKING A LOVER
Mrs. Halloran had taken a lover during the day while her husband was at work. Her 9 year old son came home unexpectedly, so she put him in the closet and shut the door. Her husband also came home early, so she put her lover in the same closet with her son.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes it is."

Her son says - "I have a skateboard."

Man - "That's nice."
Son - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No thanks."
Son - "My Dad's outside."
Man - "How much?"
Son - "$500.00."

In the next few weeks it happened again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Son - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Son - "I have a helmet."

The lover, remembering the last time, asked the boy, "How much?"
Son - "$200.00."
Man - "Fine."

A few days later the father said to the boy, "Get your skateboard and helmet and show me how you can ride."

His son says, "I can't, I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Son - "$700.00."

The father said, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They went to the church and the father made the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closed the door.

The boy says, "It's dark in here."

The priest said, "Don't start that shit again."

I WANT TO BE A PROSTITUTE
Sister Brigid was teaching her young students one day and she asked each of them what they would like to be when they grew up. She came to a little girl who responded, "When I grow up I want to be a prostitute."

Shocked, good Sister Brigid fainted on the spot. Her students rushed to revive her. When she came around, Sister asked the little girl, "What did you say you wanted to be when you grew up?"

The little girl replied, "A prostitute."

"Oh thank goodness," the relieved nun replied, "I thought you said a Protestant."

IRISH WEDDING RECEPTION
A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.

The Police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer shouting, "Silence in Court."

The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.

The judge says "Okay."

"Well," said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."

The Judge instantly responded... "God.. that must of hurt!"

Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my fingers."

DOE RE MI BEER
by Homer J. Simpson
DOUGH... the stuff...that buys me beer...

RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...

ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,

FAR..... the distance to my beer

SO...... I think I'll have a beer...

LA...... La la la la la la beer

TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...

That will bring us back to... [Looks into an empty glass]

D'OH!

№ 1936