Irish I's Are Smiling

AER LINGUS MILE HIGH CLUB
A mother and young son were flying Aer Lingus. The son, who had been looking out the plane's window, turned to his mother and said "Mom ... If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

Stumped for an answer the mother suggested to her son that he ask the stewardess. The boy promptly got out of his seat and wandered back to the service area.

"Excuse me" the boy said to the stewardess. "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

"Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

"Yes" He said nodding his head.

She whispered in the boy's ear, "Tell your mother it's because Aer Lingus always pulls out on time."

ENJOYING LIFE
Murphy was 77 years old and had worked 80 hours a week all his life and never had a holiday. His children were all married and his wife had died. He decided to enjoy life. He had a face lift, got a new expensive toupee, bought ten new suits and a brand new car.

One evening he got all dressed up in a new suit, new tie, put on his toupee, and got into his new car and drove off towards Dublin. He was only gone a mile when he was killed in an accident.

On arrival in heaven, he walked over to St. Peter and said, "What's going on here? All my life I worked hard, and finally, when I had everything in place to enjoy myself, I was killed. Why? Why did you let it happen?"

St. Peter ducked his head in embarrassment and said, "Well, to tell you the truth I didn't recognize you."

WORKING DOGS
Four Irishmen were bragging about how smart their dogs were. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a civil servant.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog, "T-square, do your stuff". T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff". Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was clever.

Then the three men turned to the civil servant and said, "What can your dog do?"

The civil servant called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff". Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shat on the paper, shagged the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

TAKING A LOVER
Mrs. Halloran had taken a lover during the day while her husband was at work. Her 9 year old son came home unexpectedly, so she put him in the closet and shut the door. Her husband also came home early, so she put her lover in the same closet with her son.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes it is."

Her son says - "I have a skateboard."

Man - "That's nice."
Son - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No thanks."
Son - "My Dad's outside."
Man - "How much?"
Son - "$500.00."

In the next few weeks it happened again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Son - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Son - "I have a helmet."

The lover, remembering the last time, asked the boy, "How much?"
Son - "$200.00."
Man - "Fine."

A few days later the father said to the boy, "Get your skateboard and helmet and show me how you can ride."

His son says, "I can't, I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Son - "$700.00."

The father said, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They went to the church and the father made the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closed the door.

The boy says, "It's dark in here."

The priest said, "Don't start that shit again."

I WANT TO BE A PROSTITUTE
Sister Brigid was teaching her young students one day and she asked each of them what they would like to be when they grew up. She came to a little girl who responded, "When I grow up I want to be a prostitute."

Shocked, good Sister Brigid fainted on the spot. Her students rushed to revive her. When she came around, Sister asked the little girl, "What did you say you wanted to be when you grew up?"

The little girl replied, "A prostitute."

"Oh thank goodness," the relieved nun replied, "I thought you said a Protestant."

IRISH WEDDING RECEPTION
A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.

The Police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer shouting, "Silence in Court."

The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.

The judge says "Okay."

"Well," said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."

The Judge instantly responded... "God.. that must of hurt!"

Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my fingers."

DOE RE MI BEER
by Homer J. Simpson
DOUGH... the stuff...that buys me beer...

RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...

ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,

FAR..... the distance to my beer

SO...... I think I'll have a beer...

LA...... La la la la la la beer

TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...

That will bring us back to... [Looks into an empty glass]

D'OH!

№ 1936

Techno Slaves

I am proud to say that I am no Techno Slave!

Aarrghh! That damned thing has character limitations! No 1der they use all those crazy abbreviations and misspelled language! I even heard a girl say out loud "LOL!" when a friend told her something she thought was funny!

As I plug my cell phone and blue tooth receiver into their respective rechargers, I am left wondering 'What did everyone do before these devices were invented?'

You can't go anywhere without seeing someone with a cellphone pressed against the side of their heads. I wonder if they even appreciate the technology of the things, or do they just take them for granted. Take for example, the woman in the following:

The Anniversary Gift
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde fiance something nice for their first anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone and he explains all the features on the phone.

The next day, the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi honey", he says "how do you like your new phone?"

And she replies, "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though".

"What's that, baby?," asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at WalMart?"

I mean, these cellphones are everywhere! It seems that people can't even walk without talking on one. I see them walking up and down the aisles of department and grocery stores, one hand holding one to their ears and the other pushing a shopping cart.

Yes, I'm glad I'm not a Techno Slave. My life does not center around those technological marvels ...

Aarrghh! Excuse me, I think I'm losing my WiFi connection ... Now what am I going to do ... Aarrghh!

...Ah. The signal is back ... but it seems to be weaker ...

Now, where was I? Oh yes, the omnipresent cellphone! Walking with a cellphone is one thing - but driving? Tell me, what is so damned important that people think they have to have a cellphone plastered to their ears while they are operating a vehicle?

Don't they realize how dangerous it is? Do they have death wishes? Are they suicidal?

Aarrghh! Damn! That asshole just pulled out of that street right in front of me! I had to slam on the brakes so hard my laptop slid onto the floorboard!

That's what I'm talking about! That driver was so busy talking on her cellphone she almost caused an accident. I hope I didn't lose the blog post I was working on ...

That reminds me of another near accident a friend once texted to me:

Woman Driver
I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic.

Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane.

It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!

Aarrghh! I lost the WiFi signal again. Uh-oh! The laptop's battery just went dead! I guess I'll have to finish this blog posting the old fashioned way - at home on the desk top.

Yes, I'm so thankful I'm not one of those mindless Techno Slaves!

I've come to the conclusion that these devices are part of a conspiracy to turn us all into mindless minions. They are everywhere! They are even cropping up in the third world countries. Even those people are sticking out their necks to embrace the technological revolution. What need do they have for these things, anyway?

"Mom, this is Mutumbo. Mutumbo, your son! I am tracking a herd of gazelle. Get some wood and stoke up a fire. We are eating good tonight!"

Then again, I read that it was a tribesman who invented the first hands-free device. Think about it ... How could one bring down a gazelle with a cellphone in one's hand?

Picture Mutumbo, the great hunter stealthily creeping upon an unsuspecting herd of grazing gazelles. He hefts his deadly spear ... beedle-beedle ... when his cellphone suddenly rings! Within seconds the startled herd is gone ... stampeding off into the jungle.

"Mutumbo, this is mom. Your mother! I just called you back to tell you I'm inviting the chief and his family over for supper."

As miraculous as all this technology can be, it isn't for everyone. (Just ask Mutumbo.)

These cellphones can do everything but wash the dishes and do the laundry. ( At least, I don't think they do.)

They've not only built cameras and videocams into them, now you can even watch movies on them! Hmmm ... never mind the small screen, just what does a 2-hour movie do to one's minutes? If I use up the minutes on my cell phone, it goes dead! It stays dead until I upload some money to the carrier. Imagine watching a movie during the exciting climax ... and the phone shuts down!

Another thing about cellphones ... they are easy to misplace or lose. There can be an awful lot of personal information on them if someone else finds them. (Just ask Tiger Woods!)

..beedle-beedle .. Uh, excuse me. My cell phone.

"Mike, this Jean. Jean your wife! Could you pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on your way home?"

Like I said before, I'm not a Techno Slave, but at least I didn't have to walk into the house only to turn around and go back out to the store. Hmmm ... only three bucks on me. I guess I'll have to stop at the nearest ATM to get some scratch. Wait, I've got a better idea. To save some time I'll use my cellphone to transfer some money from savings into checking. That way I can use my debit card at the register in the grocery store.

I swear, some people think they cannot live without a cellphone. Their entire lives revolve around the things!

The next thing you know, people will be buried with them! Perhaps they think if they register their cellphone numbers with the Psychic Hot Line their loved ones can give them a call after they're gone.

"Mike, this Dionne Warwick. Yes that Dionne Warwick. Your wife wants to know where you left the garage keys. "

"Your wife says she's sorry it's so hot where you are, but no, UPS cannot deliver water to that address."

So, I go to store, pick up the milk and bread, pay for it with my debit card and head for the door. The checkout clerk calls out to me, "Sir, you're cellphone. You set it down and forgot it."

See what I mean about those things being easy to misplace or lose? That reminds me of an incident that happened at an exclusive country club:

Several men are in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"

"Honey, It's me."

"Sugar!"

"Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I'm at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $1,500."

"Well, okay, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much."

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $60,000!"

"Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! Before we hang up, something else..."

"What?"

"It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...well, I stopped by to see the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."

"How much are they asking?"

"Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000, OK?"

"Okay, sweetie. Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

"Bye."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and asks aloud, "Does anyone know to whom this phone belongs?"

Don't you hate being in public and hearing somebody's conversation on their cell phone? Don't you wish they'd be more discreet?

I mean, do we really want to hear their private conversations?

"No, sweetheart, I can't see you tonight. It's our anniversary. The wife made reservations at a fancy restaurant."

"What's that? You're wearing nothing? You're touching yourself where?"

"I'll tell my wife something came up at the office."

If you ask me, I think something came up while he was talking on the phone!

If I was a Techno Slave, I think I would get me one of those Cellphone Jammers!

Well, as I wrap up this post I want to remind everyone of Daylight Savings Time. Did you remember to turn your clocks ahead one hour?

I didn't have to reset the time on my computer, cellphone or my cable box. They reset by themselves! I might not be a Techno Slave, but that doesn't mean I can't reap the benefits. I'm not a Technophobe. Isn't technology wonderful?

A closing thought:

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $2.95 a minute.

№ 1935

Diagnoses: Laughter

A tip of the hat to Earl for the following docors' notes.

1. A man comes into the ER and yells 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one!

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

"Big breaths," I instructed.

"Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.

"Which one ?" I asked.

"The patch. The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

( Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. )

Submitted by Dr Rebecca St. Clair,
Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'

After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson,
Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"

"It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr.. Leonard Kransdorf,
Detroit

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.

It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . . 'Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!!! .......................

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.

I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"

She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'"

Dr. wouldn't submit his name

Mental Hospital Heroics
Ron and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ron suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ron out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ron, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.

I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Waiting Room Courtesy
A 61 year old man walked into a crowded doctor’s office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?”

“There’s something wrong with my dick,” he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded office and say things like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.

The receptionist replied, “You’ve obviously caused some embarrassment in this roomful of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.”

The man replied, “Well you shouldn’t ask people things in a room full of others if the answer could embarrass anyone.”

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”

“There’s something wrong with my ear,” he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. “And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?”

“I can’t piss out of it,” the man replied.

The doctor’s office erupted in laughter.

Good News and Bad News
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Give me the bad news first.

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?

Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

№ 1934

Butterfly Dreams (7)

(A sequel to The Strange Story of Mr. Black and Ms Gray.)

They had died when helping thwart a plan to undermine the government of the United States. Now Ben and Susan have returned from the dead and they must bring that government down. Standing in their way are Michael Black and Michelle Gray, the bodies of whom they now occupy.

-(The Story begins HERE)-

Bodies of Evidence
The Attic, its antipodal designation belying the fact that it was actually a basement barroom, was bustling with a lunchtime crowd made up mostly of men and women who worked in Boston's Financial District. It was the first time that I had been there in over a year.

Stu Jankowski was seated on his usual stool at the far end of the large horseshoe-shaped bar. His eyes followed me as I sidled through a group of young professionals standing on the opposite side of the bar. Secured tight between my arm and ribcage was Michelle's laptop computer.

He waited until I had parked myself on the stool beside him before speaking, "Ben, ..." he faked a cough in attempt to disguise his verbal faux pas and continued, "Michael, talk to me. Sunny Dale ... what happened there?"

"Stu, I can only speculate at this time," I sputtered.

"Don't be coy with me. Speculate away," he growled. He took a sip from the glass before him in an attempt to calm his frayed nerves and implored, "Please, tell me Rosie is okay."

I placed a twenty dollar bill on the counter and motioned to Paul, the New Place's longtime bartender to refresh Stu's drink and to bring me one of the same. After the drinks had been placed before us I hoisted the computer from my lap and announced, "Stu, sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words."

His impatience apparent, he shook the glass in his hands and watched its swirling contents as the computer whirred to life. When the captured video images finally materialized on the screen his only utterance was a loud gasp.

His lips were quivering as his mind was trying in vain to digest the visual conundrum being sent to his brain. He had been present when the bodies of Ben Bering and Susan Parsons had been declared dead. He had witnessed Rosie Gates lapsing into a catatonic state which had eventually left her paralyzed from the neck down.

His face ashen he turned to me and whispered, "What in the name of God ..."

"Stu," I said placing a hand on his shoulder, "believe me when I tell you that Michelle and I are as much in shock as you ..."

He shoved my hand away and slid off the stool. "Are you?" he snapped. "Are you really in shock? I don't think you are in the least shocked!"

"What? What are you saying, Stu?"

Agitated he struggled to get his arms into the sleeves of his overcoat. "You people couldn't let it alone, could you? All those theatrics at the hospital a year ago ... it was all a part of some sinister master plan, wasn't it?"

"Stu," I uttered trying to calm him, "you're not making any sense."

"It makes perfect sense to me! You're covering your tracks. You're removing all traces of what happened a year ago," he snarled. "First Rosie ... who's next, me?"

"Please, Stu, sit down," I pleaded motioning to his vacated bar stool. "Sit down. We'll put our heads together and get to the bottom of this."

He moved past me and said, "You people are not getting into my head! I was never convinced that you were Ben. You are Michael Black!" With that burning remark he turned and walked away without looking back.

At first the voice of the waitress behind me didn't register. "Say, I remember those two!"

"What?" I replied in a daze. I turned to her and asked, "What was that?"

She reached past me and touched her finger upon the screen of the laptop. "That man and woman with the older lady ... they were in here two days ago."

I pointed to where her finger had indicated and asked, "You saw them? Are you sure?"

She nodded emphatically, "Positive. They sat down at that corner table over there. They had two drinks each ... rum and coke. Then they handed me a fifty dollar bill and told me to keep the change."

Dumbfounded, I asked again, "You saw that man and that woman?"

Indignant she walked away and over her shoulder declared, "Mister, when someone tips me thirty dollars, you bet your sweet ass I will remember their faces."


The engine running, I sat behind the wheel staring at the entrance to the barroom. It wasn't that I didn't believe the barmaid, it was that I didn't want to believe her. Shaking my head in frustration, I glanced at the laptop lying on the passenger seat next to me.

If I was willing to believe the video images stored in the computer's memory, I was forced to concede that the barmaid's account must have been accurate.

Ghosts don't walk the hallways of nursing homes kidnapping patients, I thought to myself, and they most certainly don't walk into bar rooms and order drinks. Yet, it seemed that the bodies of Ben and Susan had performed those very acts. I sighed in resignation knowing that the bodies were the key. In our graves lie the bodies of evidence.

My thoughts were broken by the chirp of the car phone. I depressed the speaker button and spoke, "Brock, I hope you have some good news."

"I'm afraid not. It seems that good news is at premium lately," he replied.

"I'm almost afraid to ask ..."

"Michael, the State Cowboys just found David's car upside down on an embankment on I-93."

"What? David? Is he okay?" I asked.

There was a pause of several seconds before Brock replied. "According to the radio traffic, there was no trace of him. The car was empty."

( To be continued 3/19 with ...

The Cast: In Order of Disappearance )
№ 1933

Pot Pourri

No A/C
<--- It was hot day in the auditorium when over the P.A. system the principal shouted, "Prop the doors!"

It would appear that six of the students misunderstood him!

? ? ? ? ? ?
Doesn't it strike you as strange that the U.S. armed forces cannot find Osama bin Laden, but yet two cops in Iowa can find 4 potted marijuana plants in a man's corn field?

Old Goats
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

"These," she explained, "Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.."

She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"

A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"

It's Not a Gun
After catching her twelve-year-old son masturbating, a woman finished her tirade by shouting, "Don't play with it!"

The embarrassed boy replied, "I was just cleaning it and it went off by itself!"

Wishes Come True
Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed naked moaning and touching herself saying, "Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!"

The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her. So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

Airport Security #1
The thorough search of all her belongings -- and her person -- finally brought the woman to a boil. "This is absolutely astonishing! You might as well be raping me!"

"I don't think so, Ma'am," replied the FAA security guard. "The most we're allowed to do is a nice slow cavity search."

Airport Security #2
The same woman went to her gynecologist for a checkup. She seemed to be very embarrassed and uncomfortable. "Haven't you been examined like this before?" asks the doctor.

"Every time I fly these days," she replied, "but never by a doctor!"

Blame It on the Meatloaf
Bob's wife was not a very good cook. Especially bad was the meatloaf she placed on the table before him one evening. To her dismay she watched him put the plate on the floor for the family dog.

Later she observed the dog licking its ass. She said to her husband, "That's so disgusting. Why does he do that?"

Replied Bob, "I reckon he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

When he woke up the next day in the hospital he didn't remember being hit in the head with the rolling pin.

Closing Thought
If guns kill people, can we blame pencils for misspelled words?

№ 1932

Wisdumb In Them Thar Hills

Iffin you wuz to try to fail and succeeded, which one have you done?

Gosh! I'm sorry to throwed that atch y'all. I wudn't want to go make yer l'il pea-pickin' brains to get over-tacksed. It's jest coz that there dilemon's been a botherin' me to no end.

I ain't none too sure, but I think that kind of thinkin' is called logic. I reckon it's sorta like thinkin' outside the box. Now, I don't see no use innit a-tall. I mean, iffin somebody wuz to go and put me in a box, right straight I wud be thinkin' bout gettin' outta that box. Tarnation, anybody wiffin haff a brain wud be doin' the same thing!

Course, I'll be danged iffin' I can think of any reason why anyone wud let someone put them in a box in the firs' place, exceptin' if they wuz dead! And iffin they wuz dead, how are they s'posed to think bout gettin' outta the box?

I knows a lotta folks what's a-livin' who ain't none too good at thinkin', and that applies to most of the people what lives in these here hills. But I ain't ever met nary a dead person what can think, much less one what ever got outta the coffin.

I'll bet I dun hornswoggled the lot of y'all wiffin all that ramblin' bout logic and a-thinkin' outside the box. It don't make no sense, duz it? Yer durn tootin' it duzn't.

Well, I'm a-gonna to let y'all in on a secret. I dun figgered it out all by my lonesome! Yep, I did. Ya see it's like this, Big Ernie up yonder dun gave us brains to think wiff. Now his 'tenshuns wuz fer us to use them brains fer thinkin' whilst we are livin' and afore someone puts us in a box coz we's dead. So's ya see, we are s'posed to think outside the box.

Sure as my name is Cletus Clyde, I dun come to the 'clusion that "thinkin' outside the box" is one of them metalfors what they teached us bout in school. Ya know, maybe they's somethin' to that logic stuff after all.

They's one more thing what makes my brain busier than a cat tryin' to cover its poop on a marble floor. I reckon it must be anudder one of them metalfors what people say instead of jest sayin' what they mean.

Did anyone ever say to you to "read between the lines"? I ask ya, what kind of hair-brained thing is that to say? I tell you what, I got a spearmint fer you to try out. Wiffin that mouse thingy in yer hand jest mosey on up to some of the stuff I already writ up yonder.

Now, pick one them lines of words what has another line of words d'rectly neath it. Okay, now I defy you to read what's been writ tween them. You can't, can you?

Course not! They's nothin' writ there. They's nothin' but white tween them lines of words. I swear on my pack of Mail Pouch that I did not writ anything in white so as to trick ya!

Now see here, I dun got to the sixth grade by the time I wuz twenty-two, so that oughtta prove that I'm not a dumb idjit. Since I 'splained that "thinkin' outside the box" stuff to ya, won't someone try to 'splain what "readin' tween the lines" is s'posed to mean?

Well, afore I calls it a night I wanna tell y'all bout the awful nightmare I had today whilst I wuz a nappin'. I'm still a-shakin' from it. I ain't been that scared since I picked up a Chinese prostitute and came down with lead poisonin'.

I wuz a dreamin' that I wuz a-ridin' shotgun in a Toyota a-crossin' a bridge and Ted Kennedy wuz a drivin'.

Scary ain't it?

№ 1931

If Animals Ruled the World

What if animals were the dominant life forms on this, the third rock from the sun? What if their intelligence rivaled that which humans have achieved?

If animals had human traits, their habitats would probably be divided into unique sectors. Each species would live in their respective regions, cities, or even states or countries.

Of course the carnivores, or cannibals as they would be called, would not be residing near the grazers. These grazers would not like being referred to with racial slurs such as 'prey.'

Survival tactics and beliefs aside, perhaps it would be interesting to visit one of these sectors to see how the civilized animals would live if it were they who ruled the world.

The Bovine Sector
Three young bulls, tired of their sedentary lives on the cattle ranch, decided to take a road trip one day to experience life in the big city. So Elmer, Peter and Bob hopped onto a bus for the long ride into the capital city of Cattlina.

As they disembarked from the bus the driver shouted to them:

"Hey! Which one of you left the pile in the aisle of my bus? Who do think has to clean up that mess? Were you raised in a barn? Damn it, you should have gone before you left home!"

The trio was confused and didn't know why the bus driver was carrying on so. They looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and assumed it was just the reaction of an elder not understanding the youth of the day.

Said Bob pointing at a theater marquis:

"Look! A moo-vie house! I wonder what's playing? Let's see ... Moo-nlight Serenade. Aw, too bad there isn't a Clark Ga-bull film showing."

Peter smacked him on the head and retorted:

"We've got Ca-bull, Bob. Those Moo-vies are on TV all the time!"

Elmer shook his head and shouted at his two friends:

"Guys! Guys! We came to the city for something different ... for some fun and excitement. Look! Across the street!"

They looked in the direction of his pointing hoof at the facade of a building bearing the sign: Nightclub ~ Moo-sic & Dancing .

Dismayed that there was a cover charge, they paid for their ducats and entered through the double doors. Elmer pointed to a table.

Elmer:"Whoa! Check out that Jersey over at the cowlick! Take a gander at the udders on her!"

Peter: "Slow down, big boy. She's out of your league."

Elmer: "You forget that I'm the stud bull!"

Bob: That's bull shit ... uh ... pardon the pun."

Elmer: "Bull shit? Do we need to compare? Neither of you have the equipment I have."

Peter: "Yeah, yeah ... we know why you were chosen to service the ladies back at the farm. Try to keep it sheathed, eh."

Bob: "That's right. We're not back at the farm, we're in the city now."

Peter: "He's right, Elmer. These city gals have class. They're not pasture kine."

Elmer: "Aw, come on, guys. Girls are all alike. They all want the same thing ... and I've got just what they want!"

Bob: "You don't get it do you, Elmer? Size doesn't matter!"

Elmer: "How would you know, Bob? I seem to remember that the last time you had a chance for a roll in the hay, you ended up eating the bedding and got shot down! Size doesn't matter? We'll see. We'll see."

Peter: "Okay, we'll play it your way. How about them up at the bar. There's three of them and three of us."

Bob: "Uh-oh, one of them is wearing a diamond engagement bell."

Elmer: "Not to worry. I'll take the one with the bell."

Peter: " Oh sure! You go for the babe and we're left with the heifers!"
----------------------------------
(~sigh~) I guess, no matter what the species, men are all the same! The battle of the sexes is an eternal struggle.

Perhaps on another occasion, we should explore The Fowl Sector.

I think we should follow some those feathered ladies of flight around for a different perspective on the dating scene.

I'm sure the females of the Avian Order are far more subtle when the hens go looking for cocks!

№ 1930

You Don't Know Jack Schitt!

Who makes up this schitt anyway? The following schitt has been making its rounds on the web for some time. I decided to resurrect this schitt with a few schitty edits of my own. Hey! I had to find some schitt to post today!

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says to them, "You don't know Jack Schitt!"
Just who is Jack Schitt anyway? The genealogy has finally been traced. When you read the following, you too can proudly say, "Yes, I do know Jack Schitt!"
Jack Schitt was the oldest child of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the heir of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. Their union also produced a very talkative daughter, Lotta.
Lotta would marry Dick Hedd, the headline of the nuptials reading: "Schitt-Head." Their children were Bigg and Hott.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parent's objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a High School drop out. They begot Bagga Schitt.
However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as, Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda and they produced a nervous son, Chick N. Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and, subsequently married the Happens Brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement headline in the newspaper read: "The Schitt-Happens Wedding." The Schitt-Happens' children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Lotta Schitt recently announced the engagement of their daughter Hott to the son of the Howse family. The newspaper announcement read: "Schitt-Howse To Be Married in June."
So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them and say, "Oh yes I do!"
Yep, now you really know your schitt!

-(Family History Recorded By Crock O.Schitt)

№ 1929

Butterfly Dreams (6)

(A sequel to The Strange Story of Mr. Black and Ms Gray.)

They had died when helping thwart a plan to undermine the government of the United States. Now Ben and Susan have returned from the dead and they must bring that government down. Standing in their way are Michael Black and Michelle Gray, the bodies of whom they now occupy.

-(The Story begins HERE)-

They Walk Among Us
It had taken us more than a year to accept and to adapt to the momentous changes in our lives. Most traumatic had been the identity crises, conflicts in our minds that had never been fully conquered. If the line between who we had been in the past and who we were at present had been blurred before, it had been all but erased by the recorded images.

Our very existence was a result of the natural order of the cycle of life being defiled. What right had we to cheat death without the intervention of God? Yet, we had tried to justify that right as His will. However, there were others only too willing to usurp powers that belonged solely in the hands of a Supreme Being.

The peripeteia of the events of the day had startled us, and had caught us off guard. Wrestling with matters of morality was an issue we would have to deal with later.

"How can we fear death," Michelle whispered, "when they walk among us?"

Squeezing my hand she reached with the other to shut off the computer when something caught her eye. She deftly struck a few keys and zoomed the image even closer. "What the ...?"

Realizing where she was concentrating I stared at a curious blue marking on Ben's hand.

}ị{

"My God," I cried, "It looks like a ... butterfly!"

"A blue butterfly!" Michelle asserted.


It was with numb reflexes that I answered the telephone without looking at the caller ID screen, "Hello?"

"Michael, what in the hell is going on?" boomed the frantic caller.

"Stu," I said upon recognizing the voice of my former boss. In all of the confusion we had not thought about contacting him. "We ... we were trying to sort out an ...ah ... incident before giving you a call."

"Incident?" he sputtered. "I've been monitoring the police bands all morning. So don't you go patronizing me!"

"Stu, Michelle here. There's not a lot we can tell you at this point. We ..."

"Bloody hell!" Stu roared. "That's the Sunny Dale Nursing home! Police cruisers ... an ambulance ... and your corporate chopper on the lot! It's on the Channel news!"

"Stu!" I shouted. "We cannot discuss it now, not over the phone. Meet us at the Attic in a half hour."

In spite of his cries of protest I hung up the phone. A puzzled look on her face, Michelle moved next to me and asked, "You think the phones are tapped?"

"Ours, no. Stu's, perhaps," I replied. "I just think it would be wise to exercise a little caution. I mean, if they could kidnap Rosie right under our noses ..."

My words were cut short by the ringing of the phone. I eyed the screen and before picking up the receiver announced, "It's Brock O'Day. I'll put it on speaker."

"I hope you two aren't holding back anything. The shit's hitting the fan and it's one hell of a mess!" he bellowed.

"We have our suspicions, Brock, but nothing concrete. Are there any new developments on your end?"

"That would be an understatement" he quipped. "I tried to call Faye but there was no answer. If she's so worried sick about her sister, why wouldn't she answer?"

"Uh ... I can't explain your wife's actions," I said. "Maybe she's on her way to the nursing home?"

"Guess again. I called our neighbor, Mrs. Steinberg, to see if she would check on her."

"And ...?" Michelle queried.

"You ready for this? She saw Faye leaving the house with two men. They got into a black sedan with government plates and drove away." He paused for a moment and added, "Before you ask, she appeared to be leaving with them ... willingly."

( To be continued 3/12 with ...

Bodies of Evidence )
№ 1928

Bronco Bernie's Advice

An Old West Guide to Life

Never squat with yer spurs on.

There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.

Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Coming soon ... Bronco Bernie's Old West Adventures

№ 1927

A Lotto Bull

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

I've never been one to pin the hopes of my future on chance. I suppose it's the 'New American Dream' to one day hit the lottery. I do occasionally spend a buck or two on those lottery drawings with the mega-jackpots - after all, you cannot win if you don't play. (Then again, if you don't play you can't lose either.)

The odds of winning, however, are so astronomical that I know I stand a better chance of getting struck by lightning! Surviving such a thing might be more in my favor also.

Thankfully, I've had the wherewithal to avoid those so-called 'instant winnings' instruments they call scratch tickets. They are those mass-produced ducats where you put up some scratch so you can scratch the coating off numbers and symbols and then scratch your head wondering why you didn't win.

A couple of days ago when I entered a convenience store to pick up the morning newspaper I witnessed an anecdotal example of some people's addiction to the lottery:

A woman had spent $25 on lottery scratch tickets. One of the tickets yielded a match of two numbers for a $1 prize.

She said to the counter clerk, "At least I won a buck."

Paying for a newspaper I was tempted to say to her, 'You didn't win anything. You lost $24!'

The fortunes and misfortunes of lottery players does provide some humor:

The Farmer & the Lottery
I saw an interview on TV where this one old farmer won ten million in the Lottery. Naturally he was asked what he was gonna do with all that money.

He kinda scratched his head and said, "Not sure as I know right off. Guess I'll keep farmin' till it's all gone."

The Irish Lotto
Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!"

Lottery night! Someone else wins... Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!" Lottery night again! Still no luck.

Jock prays again: "Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!"

Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and the voice of God Himself thunders: "Jock, at least meet Me half way and buy a ticket!"

The Lottery Ticket
One day Steve came home after losing a lot of money playing golf. A short while later his wife, Julie, came home from work wearing a new fur coat. "Hey, where'd you get that coat?" he asked her.

"Can you believe? My boss won on a lottery ticket and this was my share!" she explained.

A week later, Julie drove home a new car and once again explained that it was all part of the lottery winnings. A few weeks after that she came home wearing an expensive necklace and matching earrings. She came home a few nights later and told Steve she was very tired and asked if he could please start a bath for her. But when she got to the bathroom, there was only an inch of water in the tub. "Why did you put in so little water?" she asked her husband.

"Well, we don't want your Lottery Ticket getting too wet now, DO we?"

The Bank Account
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, " I want to open a f**kin' checking account."

To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a f**kin' checking account right now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."

So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation.

They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no f**kin' problem, dammit!" the man shouts. "I just won $50 million bucks in the lottery and I want to open a f**kin' checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see," says the manager, "...and this f**kin' bitch is giving you a hard time?"

№ 1926

Redneck Love Poem, Etc.

-->
Although his family didn't approve, Jason continued to see Helen because she was fun to dance with."

τhe Original Redneck Love Poem
Susie Lee done fell in love,
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy ’bout it all,
She told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, “Susie gal,
You’ll have to find another.
I’d just as soon yo’ Ma don’t know,
But Joe is yo’ half-brother.”

So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, “There’s trouble still.

“You cannot marry Will, my gal,
And please don’t tell yo’ mother.
But Will and Joe, and several mo’
I know is yo’ half-brother.”

Susie Lee’s po’ heart was broke
From running out of men
She’d hesitate to take a mate
If they were all half-kin.

There was no boy that she could find
Without that fatal flaw.
She had no clue what she could do,
So, Susie told her Ma.

But Ma just laughed and said, “My child,
Just do what makes yo’ happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe…
You ain’t no kin to Pappy.”

τhe τaxidermist
This guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"

The guy says, "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

τhe Insider
A mangy redneck youth walks into the kitchen where his mom is fixing that night's dinner.

"Mom, I got a splinter in my finger. Can I have a glass of cider?" asks the slack-jawed youth.

"Are you sure you don't want me to pull it out?"

"No thanks, just the cider."

"Well sure," responds the youth's mother and gives her boy the cider and watches him trot contentedly off.

About fifteen minutes later the boy returns to the kitchen and again asks his mother for a glass of cider. His mother, not wanting to question his reasoning, gives him another glass and again watches him leave happy.

Ten minutes later the boy returns once again asks for a glass of cider. The mother complies with her son's wishes again, but her curiosity has been piqued to the point where she can't resist knowing why any longer. So she wanders into the family room and sees her son sitting in front of the TV with his finger in the glass.

"Why on earth do you have your finger in that glass?" asks the boy's mother.

"Well Mom, I heard Sis on the phone say that whenever she had a prick in her hand, she couldn't wait to get it in cider."

τackle
A redneck blonde goes into a store to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a "associate" standing there with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "Thats a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line . . . It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".

She says, "Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."

τhe Blonde in the Hardware Department
A Blonde called her mom, "Hi Mom, How are you?"

"Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware"!

"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call"!

"What happened?"

"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."

"What on earth ~ why did you do that?????"

"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."

№ 1925

In the Year 102,010 A.D.

I have often admired the works of historians. It must be quite a difficult and yet satisfying undertaking to record history and to maintain the correct perspective into how the past shapes the world of the present as we know it.

It is with equal pride and vigor that I have decided to tackle such a project. What follows is a comprehensive study of our world's history, evolution and a disturbance in the space-time continuum. It is a must read for everyone and their children. We must not forget the mistakes of the past, or the future, lest we allow history to repeat itself.

Day: August 1
Year: 102,010

Thesis Draft:
WORLD HISTORY

by Anita Mann

Title:___?___

Due to the preponderance of 1000 centuries of accumulated material I've had to pore through, I have determined that it will be necessary to defer the title to a later date.

Synopsis: In the aftermath of WW LVI mankind has finally managed to achieve a technological equivalency to that prevalent during the late twentieth and early twenty-first centuries. It is ironic to discover that the dismal state of our planet can be traced directly to events of one hundred thousand years ago.

First Millennium A.D., 2000-2010
How Mistakes Then Are Destroying Our World Now
I find it perplexing to live in a world where they can put Starbucks and Taco Bell franchises on the moons of Jupiter, but a woman still cannot buy a comfortable bra. It's amazing to think that at one time mankind was plagued with all sorts of maladies, hunger, greed and wars, and yet, there is still a battle for equality between the women and the men of our planet's society.

Because the male of our species was unable to bring peace and harmony to the world, women officially became the superior sex in the year 92,000 A.D. The planet has been without war now for over ten thousand years. Many of our women leaders, myself included, fear that the male uprisings for equality may lead to yet another world war.

It must be some latent primal instinct eating away at the male psyche that drives them to think that they should be the providers, the decision makers, and most alarming of all that it should be the women and not the men who stay home barefoot, naked and pregnant!

My sisters worldwide are appalled at their inane demands. They are particularly horrified at the audacity of these males to think that women should be the repositories and they the progenitors. Females are quick to point out to the males the functions of their respective organs of reproduction. It is physically impossible for women to become impregnated and thus give birth. Of course, knowledge of human physiology bears this out to be fact.

Evolution
Evolution of the human species took that drastic turn about fifty thousand years ago. Many female historians have conveniently chosen to ignore this Darwinian anomaly. Some claim that the history books were edited and altered by men to justify their current demands for equality. Myself, I do not subscribe to that line of thinking. It is the classic division of creationists vs. evolutionists; the pitting of those who follow the theology of La OGRE and those adherents of Charles Darwin.

Anthropological studies however, have determined that at one time, it was indeed the female of the species that bore children. Several millenia ago the reproductive systems of humans were quite different, in fact they functioned in an antipodal manner as those of today. The male penis was inserted into the female vagina for the purpose of depositing spermatozoic ejecta into the womb, which in turn would seek out and fertilize the egg. The female would then bear the child in her womb from conception to its birth approximately nine months later.

(I am fascinated by reports that the process was supposedly pleasurable for one or both of the participants during that reproductive exercise. I doubt the validity of recorded accounts that claim that the mating process sometimes lasted two minutes or longer! Oh, that such a thing were possible! I would speculate that such claims were probably a result of the aforementioned altered editing and enhancement by a male historian.)

Of course, the mechanics of reproduction today are quite different. The female vagina is slipped over and onto the male penis. The penis then uses a method of siphoning to draw the female egg into it to be deposited into a sac of sperm. The egg is then fertilized in the male testicles for a period of nine weeks. At the end of that term an incision is made to remove the fetus, about the size of a fingernail, for transferral into laboratory birthing kilns.

The males are like big babies. They incessantly complain about the discomfort of their swelling testicles which in turn causes abdominal swelling also. Of course, they also complain of intense pain during the delivery process and the subsequent soreness while they recover.

I digress getting into a discussion of reproduction, a process that is taught in elementary schools as a mandatory course. I chose that path of discourse to underscore the process of evolution and how it affects human development and likewise, human history.

Although it took fifty thousand years for humanity to reach the current development of our reproduction systems, it was actually triggered by events that occurred still another fifty thousand years earlier. The closest that I can estimate when those events in question might have happened would be somewhere between the year 2000 and 2008, A.D., give or take a decade or so.

The Ministry of La Ogre
There has been much debate over the origins of the Prophet, La Ogre. I find myself in the corner with those who question whether or not this man, while living was a religious leader. It seems plausible to me that he was actually an embittered politician.

His teachings, according to religious historians, centered on the theme of being one with the planet; that mankind should not ravage the planet of its resources for his benefit.

In life he was ridiculed and was the brunt of jokes. In death, he was all but forgotten until humanity faced the Y-10-K crisis. While calendars and computers were reprogrammed and reset all the world to handle years with 5 digits, the words of LA Ogre began to resurface. So it was that in the year 10,000 A.D., fanatics began to embrace his faith.

The faith, by then known as The Supreme Green Order of La Ogre, would in time displace nearly every religious faction on earth. The only major religions to survive its advance were the Lunar Church of the Latter Day Saints and the Martian Muslims of the New Mecca. The world would be plagued over the next twenty centuries by no less than fifteen World Wars all in the name of religious reform as one church after another tried to establish itself as the one and only theistic power.

The Purging of the Human Race
Evolution is a process in which life forms change and adapt to changes in environment in order to survive, or to become extinct in failing to adapt. That process usually occurs over periods of millions of years before those adaptations become apparent.

Inexplicably, there were two major adaptations of the human race that transpired in two separate periods of time, each only ten thousand years in duration.

The first of these occurred during a span of time somewhere between 12,000 and 22,000 A.D. That era of evolutionary change has been referred as the The Great Purge. It was a time that witnessed the slow purge of mankind's races into but one composite race. The planet earth had been reduced to a single pure race. In the end, all genetic evidence of previous races were eradicated.

The second and perhaps most significant of mankind's radical evolutionary developments took place, in the best estimates of anthropologists, during the millennium 25,000 through 35,000 A.D. When realized, scientists had first thought that the human race had become sterile. For nearly two thousand years there were no recorded births and it was thought that humans were destined to die out - to become extinct.

From the vast repositories of stored DNA from sperm banks and stem cells, humanity's extinction was put on hold by the science of replication, otherwise known as cloning. The cloned humans, possessing DNA predating the present population, were able to procreate, which for a period of three thousand years prevented the utter extinction of the species Homo Sapiens. However, in time even this new supply of DNA began to suffer from degradation of the genetic material as new genes were not introduced into the pool. As predicted by the scientists, the clones themselves were becoming incapable of reproduction.

Then a remarkable thing happened - babies were being born. Initially it was thought to be anomalous occurrences, perhaps humanity's last ditch efforts to preserve its very existence. Yet, the births continued and became more frequent and widespread. In less than one solar year the population of the earth had doubled!

What made the resurgence of procreation all the more remarkable was the altered methods of conception and delivery. Seventy thousand years later, it is still unexplained or understood how the roles of the male and female in the reproduction process were to become completely reversed.

Disturbances in the Space-Time Continuum
The preceding discussion on the purge of mankind brings me to focus on possible explanations for those two great leaps of evolution in such a short amount of time as measured in geological and epochal terms. Although outlawed in practice, a few scientists study and theorize about possible disturbances in what many claim to be mythical and nonexistent, the space-time continuum.

The leaders in this field of study have determined that in theory, and possibly in practice, attempts to alter or disturb the space-time continuum could either change the events of the future, or create a divergence of two separate time lines. I am fascinated at the possibility of two or more versions of me sitting at my desk typing similar theses.

Yet, it is unsettling to think that history could change even as I am writing this thesis. I suppose it is possible that I have written this report several times as the time line keeps resetting.





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I have often admired the works of historians. It must be quite a difficult and yet satisfying undertaking to record history and to maintain the correct perspective into how the past shapes the world of the present as we know it.

It is with equal pride and vigor that I have decided to tackle such a project. What follows is a comprehensive study of our world's history, evolution and a disturbance in the space-time continuum. It is a must read for everyone and their children. We must not forget the mistakes of the past, or the future, lest we allow history to repeat itself.

Day: August 1
Year: 102,010

Thesis Draft:
WORLD HISTORY

by Anita Mann

Title:___?___

Due to the preponderance of 1000 centuries of accumulated material I've had to pore through, I have determined that it will be necessary to defer the title to a later date.

That's odd! I feel that I had already written some of this thesis, but I just started it. Now that's stranger still.

Why did I jot down La Ogre ? I must have had a dyslexic moment. It should be "Al Gore."

How could I get wrong the name of the infamous man whose beliefs almost caused the extinction of humanity?

№ 1924