Oh No! It's Saturday the 14th!

If there is one thing certain about a Friday the 13th, it is the fact that it is invariably followed by a Saturday the 14th! (You have my permission to quote me on that.)

This Friday the 13th was essentially uneventful for me. I was only able to find one ladder propped up against a building on a busy sidewalk. Alas, only one of the pedestrians exhibited any signs of horror when I deliberately passed under it in defiant nonchalance. If that wasn't bad enough, the small hand mirror that I purposely let fall to the sidewalk while I was under the ladder didn't break! I was even wearing my cap which bears the large number "13" on it.

I suppose there are some who might argue that those two acts cancelled out each other. Others might say that since my deliberate acts didn't achieve the desired effect, it was my bad luck.

To me stuporstitions superstitions and even the acknowledgement of them, fly in the face of wisdom and logic. We don't live in the dark ages! If you said to me that unfortunate events happen because of fate, I might accept that. However, if you suggested carelessnes, clumsiness, and plain old ignorance as explanations, you'd get an A+ on your report card if I were grading.

Here is one good thing about Friday the 13th - (it struck me as funny) this 7/13/07 Mr. Boffo cartoon:

Some Saturday the 14th sillies:

Overheard at a Science Convention:
~1st Geek - "See ya later, Calculator."
~2nd Geek - "After while, Audiophile."

Said one frog to another: "I've decided that when the time comes, I'd like to donate my body to scientific research."

Yoga - Origami for the body.

The dyslexic agnostic suffers from insomnia because he stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

Work is just Hell with fluorescent lighting.

Anatomy is something everyone has, but it sure looks better on a woman!

Bigamy loves company.

Hear about the redneck who broke his remaining tooth on a chocolate? He didn't know it was his girlfriend's cell phone.

Baby Viper: "I don't like the vipers next door.
Mama Viper: "Why is that?"
Baby Viper: "They won't let me hiss in their pit."
Mama Viper: "The nerve! I knew them when they didn't have a pit to hiss in."

What do Viagra and Disney Land have in common?
They both leave you standing around for an hour for a 2-minute ride.

"The only time a woman really succeeds changing a man is when he's a baby." - Natalie Wood

No.1046

Yes, I Still Remember You

...a guy, a taxi and a song!


This is part 2 of a true story that began with I Still Remember You .


How does fate choose its players? Are our names etched on bouncing ping pong balls like those in a mega-millions lottery game? How is that a practical joke at my expense would lead to a chance meeting and a special friendship? What are the chances that we would take that taxi? Why is that two individuals could become so intrinsically linked by such an unlikely song? Ah, excuse the digression but I'm getting ahead of myself.

One afternoon I was tearing my desk apart. If I wasn't moving paperwork from one side of the desk, I was moving it back to the other. Drawer after drawer was rifled. All of the pockets on my shirt, my pants, my jacket were patted time and time again.
...."Let's go ... today!" said Kevin my department manager.
...."Yeah, okay, but I can't seem to find my ID badge." (Our company had card-entry access doors to all departments.)
...."I have mine. You'll get back in with me when we come back. Look for it later."
....The badge was never found. I had to report to Security to be finger-printed and to have a new picture taken so another badge could be produced.

Lunch time on Thursdays was a special event for several of us in the various departments. A favorite watering hole in the Financial District, which served food, featured on Thursdays a meat loaf special to die for, not discounting the fact that the place was a watering hole first and foremost. So popular this culinary plate, that we had to call ahead with a head count to reserve our meals. There were usually five or six of us who partook of this feast, but on that day I was given a list bearing fourteen names.
....When Paul the bartender took my order over the phone he said,"I was expecting a rather large crowd from your company today!"
....As I joined what resembled a small parade of men and women marching from the building to the New Place, I was still puzzled over the bartender's remark. As our phalanx poured into the Novus Loci, as we sometimes affectionately referred to the place, the waitress told me that Paul wanted to see me over at the bar.
...."Yeah, Paul?" I said to him when I arrived at the bar.
....He said nothing but raised his arm and pointed toward the ceiling. I looked up and then back at him - then my eyes widened and I returned my gaze to the overhanging wall above the bar.

....There in living color, on a glossy 12x15, framed in a bright red toilet seat - was my likeness - a blown up duplicate of the picture that had been on my missing ID badge!
....From behind me there arose a rousing cheer from the thirteen who had entered the place with me. Standing in front of them was my boss, Kevin. It was all too clear. He had "stolen" my badge and the "dirty dozen" behind him had all been in on the sting.
....The picture would grace that wall until the day, six years later when the establishment moved to a new location. The Wall was known both as the Wall of Shame and the less flattering, Wall of Assholes. As for myself, from that day on, I called it The Rogues Gallery.
....Perhaps subconsciously, I hope, for some reason I always seemed to gravitate to the stool directly beneath my mug, which of the eight others that adorned the wall was the only one in color. Before long my "notoriety" preceded me. I could be somewhere else and perfect strangers would come up to me and say, "Hey, I know you! Your picture is in a toilet seat at the New Place!"

What is it about redheads, anyway? I watched her and her friend as they took a seat at the table nearest the bar. What a pretty girl, I thought. Her facial features resembled those of Heather Locklear, to this trained eye. She was petite and had "Ann Margaretesque" shoulder-length hair. (I'd be remiss here, if I didn't let you in on a little secret - I have a thing for redheads.)

While I was making one of those "rare" beer drinker's expeditions to the boys room, I heard a soft voice say, "Excuse me."
....I turned and looked into her green eyes. "Me?"
...."Yes. My friend and I are having an argument and I think you can settle it for us." I nodded. "She says that isn't you in that picture above the bar, but I say it is."
....Snoopy scowled. The Red Baron had shot him down in flames...again! "Yep. That's me." I turned to resume my mission which had regained its importance.
....She touched my arm, "I never met a celebrity before."

Over the ensuing months our paths crossed several times. We soon were saving seats for each other. We became dancing partners. Our Karaoke version of Nancy and Frank Sinatra's "Something Stupid" was actually requested by other patrons on a few occasions.
....She had one interesting quirk that required my participation. Out of nowhere, in the middle of a conversation or walking down the street, she would get my attention and say "I need a kiss right now!" Sometimes it would be just a peck, other times it would be a lingering one, and every now and then she would park into a long hard kiss.
....One day she asked me if I knew how to prepare a resume'. She told me that her job was the only one she'd ever had and she'd been hired through a friend. Not only did she not submit a resume', but she hadn't even filled out an application. I agreed and she gave me a couple of handwritten pages with the pertinent information. I gave the completed resume' to her the next day.
....Two weeks later, even though I protested vehemently, she was buying me dinner. She had landed a new job at twice her previous salary. She was convinced that my expertise at preparing resumes had clinched the job for her.

At this point, I'm sure there are those who might be wondering about any possible sexual interludes between us. I'll admit there were some sexual tensions. We both felt them. We discussed the matter on a couple of occasions. Was it the fact that I was married? Was it because I was ten years her senior? I'd like to think that the former was the ultimate reason, however, I am human and I am a red-blooded testosterone-driven male.
....Honestly, in one of our discussions about carnal caterwauling we made a pact that if either one of us felt that the other was reaching the point of no return, the one with the cooler jets would apply the brakes. Each of us honored that pact during several steamy moments. I asked her one time how we might handle that one possible, or inevitable, chance that neither one of us would want to stop. She winked and said, "Well, then we'll just have to let nature do her thing, won't we?"

It would be only two months later when our pact would be put to an extreme test. During the first two weeks of December most companies have their annual Christmas parties. So it was that at her company party, Sue found herself nearly legless - almost a puddle! It seems that the staff at the hotel where her party was being held decided that she had to be shut off at ten o'clock!
....It just so happened that our company party was the same night in another function room of the same hotel. By previous agreement we had been crashing our perspective parties. Her party had the best food and an open bar. Our party had the best band, but a cash bar. The staff noticed that I was harboring her and "suggested" that since I was 'with' her, I should do the right thing and make sure she went home.
....It was an easy decision. It was the right thing to do. I called a cab and all but carried her outside to await its arrival at the main entrance. (You're thinking: finally, the part about the taxi?)

To say that the cab ride was uneventful would be not only a down right lie, but it would also find me in cowardly denial. She had laid her head in my lap while the cab headed north out of downtown Boston. She was drunk enough to be all but helpless, but sober enough to say to me, "I need a kiss, Mikey. I need a kiss .. now!" What could I do, being a gentleman and all, but oblige.
....I don't want to mislead you by giving the impression that I wasn't drunk, I was. I put up no fight when she inexplicably sat up and maneuvered herself until she had managed to straddle my lap, her back to the front seat of the taxi. I don't think I tried to resist, in fact I know I didn't, when she pushed her nose to my nose and said, "I need a kiss. I need a lot of kissing. I need for you kiss me and not stop!"
....Have you ever seen the windows of a taxi fog up - from the inside? We .. I had become lost in the moment. I was sensing, she was sensing that on that night our pact was going to give way to .. nature!
....Suddenly we were pitched forward violently. The cabbie had pulled over and slammed on the brakes. He was screaming "Get out of my cab! Get out! This is no brothel. Get the hell out of my cab, you perverts!"

Of all the rotten luck. We had entered the cab of a Baptist(?) prude! We stood shivering in the cold December air and watched the cab disappear down the street on its way back to Boston. We had only made it about three miles. We were seven miles from her home. So we began walking. And walking. And walking.
....I'm not sure how much distance we had covered, but at one point I glanced at my watch and was horrified to learn that it was 1:30 am! Finally I waved down a cab coming from the opposite direction. It was two in the morning when we arrived at her place. I asked the cabbie to wait until I got her inside so that he could take me to my house one town over.
....Needless to say, but by that time we were both quite sober while I stood by as she fumbled with her keys. She invited me in, but I declined. Again, and under the circumstances, it was the right thing to do. I did manage to turn the tables on her before I left. I said, "I need a kiss - right now!" She complied.

It was the perfect time for a weekend to fall. We were both fully recovered by the time we met the following Monday. She apologized for getting so drunk. I apologized for declining her wish to come in that night. She then thanked me for that, but admitted she was a little disappointed. I looked her in the eye and said with a sheepish grin, "I apologize for calling that particular taxi." It was a laugh that we would share many times. It was then that we "adopted" Harry Chapin's Taxi as our song. Sure, it's hard to dance to - but it was our song.
....Six months later she was transferred to central Massachusetts to her company's Worcester branch. Although we would only see other once or twice a month over the next two years afterward, we remained friends. Although she continued to demand a kiss often enough, there never was another moment to let nature run its course. Then over time, her return visits to Boston stopped. Alas ... we simply lost touch.

I folded the yellowed lyrics and placed the paper back into my shirt pocket. That twenty years had passed, somehow it seemed like it had only been a few weeks. Funny isn't it, that even twenty years of being apart could not dampen or weaken a special friendship?
....Had I wanted her? Sure! Had I loved her? Yeah, I did. Did she feel the same? She didn't say so, but yes, she did. Some things just cannot be hidden. (Now I ask you, just what is it about redheads?)

She said, "How are you, Mikey?"
...I said, "How are you, Sue.
Through the too many miles
And the too little smiles,
I still remember you."

No.1045

I Still Remember You

Taxi
- Harry Chapin

It was raining hard in 'Frisco,
I needed one more fare to make my night.
A lady up ahead waved to flag me down,
She got in at the light.
Oh, where you going to, my lady blue,
It's a shame you ruined your gown in the rain.
She just looked out the window,
and said "Sixteen Parkside Lane".
Something about her was familiar
I could swear I'd seen her face before,
But she said, "I'm sure you're mistaken"
And she didn't say anything more.
It took a while, but she looked in the mirror,
And she glanced at the license for my name.
A smile seemed to come to her slowly,
It was a sad smile, just the same.
And she said, "How are you Harry?"
I said, "How are you Sue?
Through the too many miles
And the too little smiles
I still remember you."
It was somewhere in a fairy tale,
I used to take her home in my car.
We learned about love in the back of the Dodge,
The lesson hadn't gone too far.
You see, she was gonna be an actress,
And I was gonna learn to fly.
She took off to find the footlights,
And I took off to find the sky.

Oh, I've got something inside me,
To drive a princess blind.
There's a wild man, wizard,He's hiding in me,
illuminating my mind.
Oh, I've got something inside me,
Not what my life's about,
Cause I've been letting my outside tide me,
Over 'till my time, runs out.
Baby's so high that she's skying,
Yes she's flying, afraid to fall.
I'll tell you why baby's crying,
Cause she's dying, aren't we all.

There was not much more for us to talk about,
Whatever we had once was gone.
So I turned my cab into the driveway,
Past the gate and the fine trimmed lawns.
And she said "we must get together,"
But I knew it'd never be arranged.
And she handed me twenty dollars,
For a two fifty fare,
she said "Harry, keep the change."
Well another man might have been angry,
And another man might have been hurt,
But another man never would have let her go
...I stashed the bill in my shirt.
And she walked away in silence,
It's strange, how you never know,
But we'd both gotten what we'd asked for,
Such a long, long time ago.
You see, she was gonna be an actress
And I was gonna learn to fly.
She took off to find the footlights,
And I took off for the sky.
And here, she's acting happy,
Inside her handsome home.
And me, I'm flying in my taxi,
Taking tips, and getting stoned,

I go flying so high, when I'm stoned.

Certain songs evoke memories in us. Where were you? What were you doing? Who were you with?

For me, one such song is Taxi by the late Harry Chapin. (The complete lyrics are in the column at the left.)

I never had any aspirations of being a pilot and though she was lovely enough, I don't think she had her mind set on an acting career. Nonetheless the song gave us both pause to reminisce whenever we would hear it.

I have heard the song countless times over the years; occasionally I drag out the CD just to hear the song. I'd always wondered if the song brought back memories for her. Alas, time moves ahead and so do we.

Sometimes fate tickles time a bit and in doing so, teases us. A few days ago as I was trudging up and down the aisles of a busy supermarket, the song began playing over the store's PA system. I began to sing along: "I needed one more fare to make my night..."

I rounded the corner into the next aisle and ran head long into a cart coming the other way. Twenty years may have passed, but when our eyes met it could've been only a week.

She too had been singing along,"...And she said, 'How are you Mikey?" I picked up on my cue, " I said, 'How are you Sue? Through the too many miles, and the too little smiles, I still remember you.' " There followed an awkward hug and the obligatory pecks on the other's cheek.

(Her name really is Sue, as in the song. She always changed "Harry" to Mikey. )

What is it about redheads, anyway? Time had been kind to her - she was as lovely, as shapely and as sexily alluring as she had been two decades before. I told her so.
(For a visual reference, to me she resembled Heather Locklear, but with fiery red hair.)

We checked out together, got some coffee and sat for a spell on a bench outside the store. Both of us had places to go, but we crammed a lot of "catching-up" into an all too brief half hour. When we first met I was married then, and this day I learned she was now married and the mother of two boys.

She dug around in her purse and produced a folded piece of yellowed paper. When I asked what it was, she asked if I remembered some lyrics that I had once written for her and her sister. I had forgotten that she and her sister used to sing Country & Western songs in a few small bars and clubs.

She surprised me when she said that they had "recorded" it! They had cut it at one of those kiosks in a mall. They'd sold about a hundred copies of it at the places where they performed. She wrote her address onto the back of the paper and said she'd try to find a copy and if I wrote her she'd send a disc to me.

All good things must end, and so it was that we had to part company. Funny, how things kept mirroring the lyrics of the song. She said, "We must get together." The next line of the song popped into my head .."But I knew it would never be arranged."

"...I stashed the bill (lyrics) in my shirt, and she walked away in silence."

A little later still on the parking lot with the engine running, I pulled the folded paper from my shirt pocket. I only vaguely remembered the words, so I began reading them, struggling not to apply the tune of "Taxi" to them:

To Whom It May Concern

"I've got a love letter I just gotta write,
To someone who's lonely just like me tonight.
She's sitting there at home all alone,
Listening for the ever silent telephone;
She's staring, a tear in her eye, at the door
Through which her lover comes calling no more.
(Refrain)
Mr. Mailman please send this right away;
Don't know her address, don't know her zone;
But she's waiting for this letter I know
So Mr. Mailman send it to anywhere, USA
To someone who's lonely just like me and might yearn
To read a love letter addressed 'To whom it may concern."

I turned the page over to look at the address she'd written down. I felt a flush to my cheeks as I read a P.S. below the address: "I named my second boy Michael." - Your taxi girl, Sue.

What is it about redheads, anyway?

What's the connection? What about the taxi? What are you missing? Well, that's a story for another day. That's a story best reserved for another post. I'm trying to sort out the facts of twenty years ago - so long ago. I promise it will be posted very soon.

~~~~~The "Taxi Story," as promised is continued here.~~~~~

(If you read this and want to make sure you read the rest of the story, please make it a point to comment. Everyone who comments will be notified either by your e-mail or as a comment on your most recent post at that time.)

No.1044

Hale's Greeting Card Venture

I recently started up a greeting card business. It was going pretty good for a while. I even had some orders from a few celebrities.

Matt Lauer of the Today Show was the first to place an order. He wanted to wish a former co-worker good luck on a new endeavor.

Katie,

Good Luck
On Your New
position.

Matt

The next order came in from Valerie Bertinelli. She wanted to express encouragement to a friend who was battling a weight problem:

Kirstie,
I'm happy to see you are having success with your diet. Enclosed is a $50 gift certificate for Dairy Queen.

Confectionately yours,
Valerie

Then Miss Richie said she wanted help cheer up an incarcerated friend:

Paris,

I am sending you these two bananas.

Be careful, you can eat one, but the other is for fun.

I miss you.

See ya soon.

Nicole

Yes, business was good. I was going to corner the market on celebrity clients.

I didn't see it coming when I received the next order:

Hale McKay,
I'm sending you a sample of the toilet paper I endorsed. As you will see, only one square at time can be removed.
This is payback for the piece you posted making fun of my idea for every one to use only one square during each toilet visit.
Cheryl Crow

In a field where one is counting on word-of-mouth business, all it takes to "wipe" you out is one dissatisfied client!


Anybody want to buy 100,000 blank anniversary cards?

No.1043

The Wal-Mart Blues

(Here's another contribution from my buddy Earl.)

It's really disgusting

that some guys wear anything

when they go to Wal-Mart.

The other day I was at Wal-Mart

and saw this guy wearing

these ugly blue pants.

I just had to show you guys.

Can you believe it.

?

No.1042

Ce-Rebus-ly Yours

!

My eyes are killing me!

It's a combination of allergies and a sinus condition, and they've been acting up big time since this weekend.

I don't suppose my recent obsession of fooling around with HTML style codes has in any way contributed to my discomfort?

I have been playing around with "style" codes, in particular trying out columns in the last two posts.
....I have seen blogs that have images and text seemingly mixed freely and I wondered how they did it. Well now I know, and I know why I don't see it done in more Blogs. It's a lot of bloody work!
....However, using two columns like in this passage, isn't too bad. The code only has to be applied twice.
....I liked the looked of the columns in my "Sniglets" post, but the style codes had to entered for each and every item! That was 26 separate codes for each word and another 26 for the definitions!

....The rebus above uses four, three and two columns for each respective line.
....Were you able to read my rebus puzzle above? Okay, a couple of the images probably gave convoluted clues. It says:

Balls! I cannot seem to handle reading.

I guess the "seam" of the stockings might have been a reach, but I couldn't find a decent picture of a seam that would make one think "seam."

As for the cat ... reading, I figured that one could be figured out easily enough. I thought it was purrfectly ideal.
Didn't you?

At this time, this dummy would like to thank "HTML For Dummies" for the eight combined hours the previous two posts purloined away from my weekend of R & R.

No.1041

If It Isn't In the Dictionary - It's a Word!

SNIGLETS*

Words that should be in the dictionary but aren't:

New Word

Definition

1. AQUADEXTROUS
(ak wa deks' trus) adj.

Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION
(kar' pur pet u a shun) n.

The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT
(dis kon fekt') v.

To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS
(el bon' iks) n.

The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST
(frust) n.

The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION
(lak' toe man gyu lay' shun) n.

Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER
(pehp ee ay') n.

The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA
(fo nee' zhuh) n.

The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS
(pup' kus) n.

The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION
(tel e kras tin ay' shun) n.

The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

My submissions added to the original list of 10:

My New Words

My Definitions

11.CELLOPHANCY
(sell' uh fan see) n.

The vain attempts of a male to see through a woman's clothing.

12. CELLULINGUS
(sell u' lin gus) n.

The feeling of embarrassment when you discover you have just answered your vibrator in public.

13. CLOCKOMA
(klok oh' ma) n.

Inability to read a clock across the room.

14. EGGRIVATION
(eg ra vay' shun) n.

Dissatisfaction when the yolks of your eggs are cooked when your order was for over easy.

15. PEPSINACTION
(pep see nak' shun) n.

Inability to stifle a belch when drinking carbonated cola.

16. SPANDECTOMY
(span dek' tuh me) n.

The often painful operation of removing Spandex articles of clothing.

17. STUPLICITY
(stew plis' a tee) adj.

Descriptive of the actions of those who appeared in "Jackass, The Movie."

18. SUPURSULOUS
(sue pur' sue lus) adj.

Describing any lady's handbag that is large enough to hold those objects she doesn't need.

19. TORNOGRAPHY
(tor nog' ra fee) n.

Removal of the centerfold from a Playboy magazine belonging to someone else.

20. WASTERIA
(way steer e uh) n.

The laughter at your expense when you exit a public restroom trailing toilet paper from either your pants or stuck to your shoe.

A tip of the hat to Peter for these gems:

Peter's New Words

Peter's Definitions

21. FATTITUDE
(fat uh tood') adj.

Positive attitude displayed by an overweight person to their body.

22. FRENEMY
(frin' uh me) n.

A friend who is displaying hostility.

23. OSTEOPORNOSIS
(aws tee oh pour' no sis) n.

A degenerate's disease.

* - The term Sniglets was coined by comedian Rich Hall on the (1983-1990) HBO program Not Necessarily the News.

No.1040

Answering Machine Messages

If this had been a David Letterman Top Ten List, the number one answering machine message would be: "We are unable to come to the phone right now. If you are a telemarketer: kindly leave a message with your name, your home phone number and what time you have supper, and we'll call you back at that time."

Below are some actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the International Institute of Answering Machine Answers:

1] My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

2] A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

3] Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

4] "Hi. Now you say something."

5] "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."

6] "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

7] (From Japanese friend) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!

8] "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

9] "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

10] "This is not an answering machine -this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

11] "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

12] "Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

13] "If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

14] Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

15] Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right .... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

No.1039

Introducing ... iBlog!

So, Jobs and his Apple company think they have come up with something special, do they? At $500 to $600 a pop, I'd say it's special - to their bank accounts.

It only works with AT&T/Singular - exclusively? Psst ... Steve, old boy, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. AT&T ISN'T AVAILABLE EVERYWHERE!

Okay, we know you're still mad at Billy Gates over the whole Windows and PC thing. It's water over the dam! You can't have your Apple and eat it too, you know.

...And what's with this first person hangup of yours? First there was the iMac, then the iPod, and now you come out with the iPhone?

Here at Pointmeister Enterprises Worldwide we say: "Let Microsoft and Apple beat each other to a pulp! We are tired of both of them and their product wars." While the both of them keep trying to outdo the other, we are going to unleash on an unsuspecting world, our own innovative products.

Our first product to be released soon is a product unlike any the world has seen - The iShell !

The iShell can store up to 1000 different ocean sounds! What ocean sounds would you like to hear? Perhaps you'd like to hear the calming sounds of an incoming tide. You might feel invigorated and want to hear breakers crashing upon rocks. Any ocean sound you can imagine - it's in there!

Available in a wide range of sizes and shapes, the iShell, like all of PEW's products, operate without the need of batteries. While your friends are recharging their batteries, you can keep on listening to the ocean.

Worried about the elements? What happens if you drop it on the beach. No worries - the iShell is impervious to water and sand damage.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How can PEW top that, you ask? Introducing the iPens !

With our state-of-the-art nano-technology we have combined the power of computer, phone, camera, PDA and a GPS system into a functional ball-point pen!

Yes, it writes also! (Pictured in brilliant blue and green. Can be customized in other colors also available.) Can your iPods, iMacs, PCs, and the new iPhone write? Of course not!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These new products will soon be available to the public. While you are awaiting their arrival, PEW is today unveiling the most innovative communications device ever conceived - and it can be yours for the unheard of price of - nothing ! That's correct! It's absolutely free!

Introducing ... iBlog ! This incredible product combines and merges with your own resources to create the ultimate in education and communications. Our motto will become a household phrase the world over:

iBlog, uRead !

No.1038

When Kids Go To Church

Have you heard yours or someone else's little children say something embarrassing while ...in church?

3-year-old Reese:

"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name. Amen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church,Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
....His father asked him three times what was wrong.
....Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service,"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
....One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
...."If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
....Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him,grabbed his hand,and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
...."Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
...."He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
....The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
...."I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
...."Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
....The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father took his 5-year-old son to several baseball games where The Star-Spangled Banner was sung before the start of each game.
....Then the father and son attended a church on a Sunday shortly before Independence Day.
....The congregation sang The Star-Spangled Banner, and after everyone sat down, the little boy suddenly yelled, ''PLAY BALL!!!''
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The little girl went to church for the first time. As she was leaving with her parents, the minister asked how she had liked church.
...."I liked the music," she replied, "but the commercial was too long.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Susie Sunshine asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite bible stories. She was puzzled by Jimmy's picture which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
...."The flight to Egypt," said Jimmy.
...."I see...And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Susie said. "But who's the fourth person?"
...."Oh, that's Pontius -- the Pilot!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A four-year-old Catholic boy was playing with a four-year-old Protestant girl in a children's pool in the backyard. They splashed each other, got very wet and decided to take their wet clothes off.
....The little boy looked at the little girl and said, "Golly, I didn't know there was that much difference between Catholics and Protestants."

No.1037

'Firecracker Day'

"The Stars and Stripes Forever" is emanating from the television in the adjacent room. That stirring music is serving as a backdrop as I sit before the keyboard on this Fourth of July evening.
....All day long The History Channel was running "The Revolutionary War," an in depth series about the birth of our country. I watched a great deal of the marathon airing of this program.
....Save a blunder by General Cornwallis allowing his army to be cornered in Yorktown, Virginia, the colonials were on the brink of defeat. The failure of the commander of the British forces, General Clinton, (familiar last name?) to send reinforcements to Yorktown sealed the fate of British rule in America.
....I'm not going to revisit history at length. I wonder how many realize just how close we came to remaining under the rule of a monarchy. That thought sickens me. I cannot understand how in this modern age that the British people still tolerate the very existence of a royal family.
....In all fairness and with a sense of fair play, I should not be questioning what goes on beneath the Union Jack anymore than they would question life beneath Old Glory. After all, today Great Britain is as the United States, a democracy.

Out of the mouths of babes:

I was troubled by an exchange between some kids, probably between ten and twelve years-old that I overheard only this morning.
....A cute little girl shouted gleefully to three boys with dark tans, "Happy Fourth of July!"
....One of the boys shouted back, "It's Firecracker Day, you dumb ass!"
....I was shocked. So was the girl's mother who was standing nearby. "Boys! That wasn't nice. That's no way to talk."
....She steered her daughter, who was now crying onto her porch and into their house. Her husband emerged and confronted them. "Look, in this country, today is Independence Day."
....One of the boys snapped, "It's not Independence Day for us. Our father said we do not recognize it as a holiday. It is 'Firecracker Day' for us."
....I walked across the street and stood next to the girl's father in front of the defiant youths. I said calmly but as a matter of fact, "Because it is our Independence Day you are allowed to come to this country. Because it is Independence Day, you have the right to call it 'Firecracker Day' if you wish. It does not give you right to pick on people and call them names."
...."F**k you, asshole!" one shouted. "Our momma and papa says we can do anything we want and nobody can stop us." With that the boys took off running down the street.
....The other man said to me, "...And they wonder why there is so much bigotry in this country?"
....That incident reminded me of something I'd received in an e-mail.(From a frequent contributor, Earl.)

HARSH, YOU SAY ??? BUT, IT'S THE LAW !!

1. There will be NO special bilingual programs in the schools, NO special ballots for elections, and all government business will be conducted in our language.

2. Foreigners will NOT have the right to vote, no matter how long they are here.

3. Foreigners will NEVER be able to hold political office.

4 Foreigners will NOT be a burden to the taxpayers. No welfare, NO food stamps, NO health care, nor any other government assistance programs.

5. Foreigners can invest in this country, but it must be an amount equal to 40,000 times the daily minimum wage.

6. If foreigners do come and want to buy land that will be okay, BUT options will be restricted. You are NOT allowed to own waterfront property. That property is reserved for citizens naturally born into this country.

7. Foreigners may NOT protest; NO demonstrations, NO waving a foreign flag, NO political organizing, NO "bad-mouthing" our president or his policies. If you do you will be sent home.

8. If you do come to this country illegally, you will be hunted down and sent straight to jail.

Harsh, you say ?

The above laws happen to be the immigration laws of:

MEXICO !

In conclusion: (to those boys)

O say, can you see, by the dawn’s early light,

What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming,

Whose broad stripes and bright stars, through the perilous fight

O’er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming?

And the rockets’ red glare, the bombs bursting in air

Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there;

O say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave

O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

No.1036

What's In a Name? - Reprise + 10

(For the 4th of July I am leaving you a "sparkler" from my archives of July, 2006.)

A good story needs a good title.

Most prose is written before a title is assigned to it. Newspapers have headline writers. Some publishing companies have title writers.

Leave it to me, to put the carriage before the horse. I cannot count how many of my posts actually began with a title. As such, I keep a notebook of "non-working" titles. You might say they are unemployed titles.

These titles might range from puns to alliterations. They could be in the form of malapropisms. They might originate from existing movie, book or song titles. Sometimes they could be noted movie lines, or famous quotes and lyrics. Almost always I tend to add a twist to them or to mangle them, if you will.

I thought it might be interesting to use some of those "titles" collectively in a single post. For laughs, I added some possible scenarios if and when they are ever used. (Don't hold me to these scenarios.)

-1) I Could've Been A Bartender - A failed boxer spends evenings getting tossed out of bars.
-2) You Tolkien To Me? - A cab driver finds a wedding ring and struggles with a decision to turn it in or to pawn it.
-3) The Eiger Suction - In this sequel to Brokeback Mountain, the two men find themselves alone in the Swiss Alps.
-4) Raiders of the Lost Arcade - Indiana Jones discovers that Runic scriptures are actually "cheats" for video games.
-5) Show Me the Monkey - Playgirl magazine conducts its annual search for its Male Centerfold Of The Year.
-6) Go Ahead, Make My Day Bed - Dirty Harry now lives in an assisted living nursing home.
-7) Logan's Buns - Even in the future, streaking and exposed butt cracks are a bane to society.
-8) Dunga Din - The secret life of India's dung beetles.
-9) Stranded In The Jacuzzi - In Darkest Africa, Dr. Stanley locates Dr. Livingston at a health spa in a hot tub with the native women.
10) The Happy Cooker - Too old to turn tricks, Xavier Hollander takes up gourmet cooking in the nude. Only for the strong of stomach.
11) The Last Tanqueray In Paris - An older man has a torrid affair with a young woman until she runs out of gin.
12) Missing In Traction - Chuck Norris spends golden years looking for Veterans in hospitals.
13) Hooligans Island - British soccer fans get stranded on the same island where the Minnow went aground.
14) Romancing The Kidney Stone - Michael Douglas makes a fortune painting kidney stones for use on the bottom of fish tanks.
15) Spirit in the Sty - Babe the talking pig gets religion.
16) The Scarlet Litter - Hester Pryne breeds prize-winning show cats.
17) The Man of La Manga - Don Quixote in Italy where they have no windmills, has to tilt against the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
18) The Incredible Mr. Whip-it - Goofy little man makes a name for himself as a flasher.
19) The Fantastic Fools - Mr. Fantastic - George Bush, Invisible Girl - Laura, Human Torch - Rumsfeld, and The Thing - Cheney, battle America's will.
20) Close Encounters of the Thirsty Kind - Man gets drunk and builds science fair volcano.

(Here, I have added some new titles that were not on the original post:)

21) Lord of the Wings - Bilbo Baggins last seen at chicken wing eating contest.
22) Kiss of the Spider Monkey - Tarzan leaves Cheetah for another.
23) How the Waist Was Won* - Kirstie Alley's battle to get back into a size 10.
24) Forever Amber Beer* - Amber St. Clair, tired of nobilty, returns to the country to make homemade beer.
25) The Ex-Files - Chapter 1: The Trousseau Is Out There; Fox Mulder and Scully investigate paranormal visitation rights of divorcees.
26) The Rambler - On a losing streak, Kenny Rogers drives a beat-up '59 Rambler looking for a poker game.
27) The Thyme Machine - Rachel Ray steals Mr. Peabody's time machine and travels back in time to steal recipes to claim as her own.
28) The Manchurian Clambake - A Presidential hopeful visits Far East and learns how to cook lobster in a wok.
29) Night of the Naked Dead - The Zombies are back and show up at a nudist colony, but are unable to scare the pants off of anybody.
30) The Last Time I Saw Paris - (See cartoon above) Superman becomes enamored with wealthy socialite only to discover that Batman had been there first.

*Thanks, Peter.

No.1035

Weight, Wal-Mart & Blondes

This is:

"one-of-those-writer's-block-nights-with-no-idea-what-to-post-so-I'll-just-throw-up-a-few-jokes-that-will-hold-them-nights."

Weight Loss Program

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh...well...ah...well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's tubby and that makes him thin again."

And the boy sez, "Well, that won't work!"

His mom says, "Why?!!"

And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him right back up!"


Wal-Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice hildren you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. Oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

"And have a great day! "


Just Love Them Blondes!

A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator.

On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff.

The man gets off on the 5th floor.

Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."

To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"

Blocking the Light

A rather well built blonde woman spent almost all of her vacation time sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. The first day she sunbathed, she wore a red bathing suit.

However on the second day, she felt a little more adventurous. She slipped out of it in order to get an overall tan figuring that no one could see her way up there.

She'd hardly began when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said a flustered little (out of breath) assistant manager of the hotel. "The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday!"

"What difference does it make", Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here on the roof and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"With all due respect, not exactly ma'am," said the embarrassed little man.

"You are lying on the dining room skylight."

No.1034

Fun-Netik Spell Checker

I found this poem while surfing the web looking for interesting things that I could harvest, I mean borrow, okay, steal for use on my own site. This is one time I didn't have to worry about plagiarism charges because this was written by that most prolific of writers, Anonymous. This creative person doesn't seem to mind if others use his or her stuff. (You'd think that a potential Poet Laureate would be more guarded when it comes to original material.)

SPELL CHECKER POEM

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

I could only assume that Mr./Mrs./Ms. Anonymous was using the newest spell checker from MacroHard, being sold and marketed under the name Fun-Netik Spell Chequer.
....Reasonably priced at $99.95 a week for a free trial version, I decided to download the software. While the relatively fast download was running I was able to take out the trash, walk the dog, mow the lawn and finish reading War and Peace.
....After paying out $325 to have my hard drive replaced, another $45 to my cable company to have my modem recalibrated and $25 for a new Ethernet card, I was finally able to put the Fun-Netik Spell Chequer to the test. First I had to enable the software. The effortless process required only 14 steps using three different Ms Dos macros and restarting my computer after each step. It took only two hours to zip through those steps, however it took another hour to figure out how to get out of Dos. I was ready to go. I typed in a sample sentence: The purpose of a good spell checker is to write legible so people can read what you write without referring to a dictionary.

The purr puss of a spell chequer is two right ledge a bull sew pee pull can reed what yew rite without ree furring too a dick shun nary.
....That first sin tense made me paws. I went back to look at what I rote sew far. It didn't look write.

I turned the Fun-Netik Spell Chequer off. My typed text had been literally changed into a phonetic passage. This wasn't what I wanted in a spell checking program!
....I needed to return to the site from which I had downloaded the software to find out what had gone awry. I typed in "useless-phony-downloads.com/you'll-be-sorry" onto my browser and was within fifteen minutes immediately whisked to the website. Poring over the list of available downloads I discovered the answer to my problem. I had clicked on the wrong software package from the menu. I had inadvertently clicked on "Redneck Fun-Netik Spell Chequer, version 0.1."
....I clicked in turn on each of the dozen other spell-checker software packages only to get an error message stating "not available." In small print, which I had enlarge the text to the highest setting and grab a magnifying glass from my desk drawer to read, was a link to MacroHard. Thanks to the miracle of the high speed lines provided by my ISP, within ten minutes I was looking upon their website.
....It soon became evident as I read the announcement at the top of MacroHard's home page. Due to the huge demand and extensive back orders from consumers, they were only producing Redneck Fun-Netik Spell Chequer, version 0.1 until further notice.

I sat back in my chair, stunned at the ramifications of the announcement and the company's policy. It could only mean one thing. Life on the Internet was going change inexplicably, especially in the Blogosphere. The fastest growing demographic of bloggers apparently is comprised of Rednecks and trailer park trash.

Sooner or later you'll be landing on a blog posted by someone belonging to this segment of the blogging population. It behooves you to have a phonetic spell checker of some kind. It's true that when the spell checker is in use, you have to read the text of these bloggers very slowly, but you have to remember, they had to type it the only way they know how - very slowly.

Don't ewe four get too bye won two day. This has bin a pub lick know tis.

No.1033

The Great Debates

This is not going to be a narrative about the famous Lincoln-Douglas debates. It will not be a discussion of the Kennedy-Nixon debates either. Being the historians that I know you are, I'm certain you are disappointed. (The title, however, was a ploy calculated selection to draw history buffs to this post when they google for research to complete their college theses.)

No, I'm going to explore far more important and significant debates. I'm talking about those life altering decisions and arguments that we face every day of our lives. These are the topics of discussion that can decide the fate of mankind.

For the sake of both space and time, I'm not going to state my own personal stance on these issues. (Besides, from my perspective if your position differed from mine, I'd be right and you'd be wrong.) As such, I'm only going to bring attention to them. Please feel free to express your opinion.

I would be remiss if I lead off any dissertation about debates if I didn't start with the eternal question: Toilet paper - from the top or the bottom ? This topic will forever evoke heated debate.

The rest, in no particular order:

Near and dear to the heart of the male of the species: Mary Ann or Ginger ?

Top or bottom ? : (Bunk beds - what were you thinking?

Darrin Stevens: - Dick Sargent or Dick York ?

Star Trek captain: - Kirk or Picard ?

The glass is: - Half-empty of half-full ?

PC or Mac ?

Ellie Mae or Granny ? - (Just checking to see if you're paying attention. I fear Miss Jane will get some votes.)

Slow dance or fast dance ?

Bond, James Bond - Sean Connery or Roger Moore ?

The following are more a matter of preference as opposed to being subject to debate:

Tastes great! Less filling!
Your place or mine?
Regular or decaf?
Smoking or non-smoking?
Paper or plastic?
Window seat or aisle?
Heads or tails?
Baked or mashed?
Chocolate or vanilla ?

This post - Thumbs up or thumbs down ? (Remember, I'm right, you're wrong!)

End this post - Yes or No ? (I'm right again!)

No.1032

Then and Now: A History Lesson

The Great Depression 1929

The Great Depression 2007Japan Surrenders - 1945

If Japan Surrendered Today

Moses: Ten Commandments

Letterman: Top Ten Lists

Clowns - Emmett Kelly - 1937

Clowns - George W. Bush - 2007

This cartoon needs no caption. Because it tied in with the "Then and Now" theme, I lifted it from Miss Cellania.

No.1031