Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Hold The Froot Loops!

Saddam Hussein loves Doritos, but hates Froot Loops. He admires President Reagan, thinks Clinton was okay, and considers both Presidents Bush as no good. He talks a lot, worries about germs, and insists he is still the President of Iraq. - Herald Wire Services
~ Those and other details about his life in U.S. military custody appear in the July issue of GQ Magazine. The article is based on interviews with five Pennsylvania National Guard soldiers who maintained guard duty detail of the fallen Iraqi despot for ten months.
~ While the Pentagon had no comments, the GIs said Saddam had harsh words for the Bushes, both of whom went to war against him. "The Bush father, son, no good," one of the soldiers quoted Saddam. He was further quoted that he held no harsh feelings and wanted to talk to George W., to make friends with him. In another quote, Saddam said, "He knows I have nothing, no mass weapons. He knows he will never find them."
~ The Guardsmen said that he sometimes danced alone in his cell and wrote poetry. He was friendly with all the young guards, and even offered fatherly advice at times. At one point, he even invited the soldiers to visit Iraq once he is acquitted and back in power. He said to them, "I'll show you around my country. You are like sons to me."
~ The soldiers also said that Hussein was a "clean freak" who washed his hands after hand shakes and used diaper wipes to clean meal trays and utensils before eating. He had a definitive fear of germs. Saddam preferred Raisin Bran Crunch for breakfast, and told the guards, "No Froot Loops!" He would eat chicken and fish, but rejected beef. For a while, his favorite snack was Cheetos, and when the supply run out, he became grumpy. One day they gave him Doritos and he forgot about Cheetos.
Not bad treatment, I'd say, for a toppled dictator, is it? Imagine, of all the time-tested techniques of torture and interrogation one could impose upon such a ruthless man, a simple switch of the contents of a cereal bowl could soothe or ruffle his feathers!
~ Picture if you will, the following exchange between the commanding officer of the prison compound and one of the guards:
What's that, soldier? Saddam refuses to take a shower this morning, sir! Very well, give him Froot Loops for breakfast then. Yes, sir!
~ He said that President Bush is a pile of camel dung, sir. He did, did he? Take away his Doritos! Yes, sir!
~ Excuse me, sir? Yes, soldier? It seems we mis-translated the Arabic, sir. He didn't say the President was a pile of camel dung, sir. He said the President is full of camel dung, sir.
~ Okay, give him back his Doritos and Raisin Bran. Yes, sir!

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