Sunday, September 21, 2008

Par For the Course


The Diet - Part 1

The Diet - Part 2

The Diet - Part 3

The Caddy

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I don't remember."

When Things Go Wrong ... Blame Murphy

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch and/or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop
Any tool, when dropped, will roll or slide to the least accessible corner.

Law of probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Law of Variation
If you change traffic lanes or lines at the store, the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
(My brother-in-law has proved this many times.)

Wilson's Law
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Law of the Telephone
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of Hot Coffee
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, you will be inspired (by youself or, more likely, your boss) to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Law of Window Cleaning
It's on the other side.

Law of Fixing or Replacement
If it jams...force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

Theorem of Making Things Fit
If it doesn't fit, use a hammer.
If it still doesn't fit, use a sledge hammer.

The Dimensions Dilemna
Dimensions will always be expressed in the least useable terms. For example, velocity will be expressed in furlongs/fortnight.

Law of Universal Fit
Interchangeable parts won't (or don't?).

Law of Anxious Unpacking
The assembly and operation manual will be discarded with the packing material. The garbage truck will have it picked up five minutes before the mad dash to the rubbish can.

Axiom: The Carpenter's Rule "Measure Twice, Cut Once" Doesn't Apply to Electricians
Any wire cut to the exact measured length will be too short.

God in action.
Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.

The Axiom of Near vs Far
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.



Jack K. said...

When all else fails, use a bigger hammer.



Christina said...

Aaaahh, true, so true.

I could identify with the cartoons. Am dieting now, as a matter of fact.

Fred said...

I just skip to the third mirror. It's much more fun to pig out.

Hale McKay said...


Especially, heaven forbid, if you run out of duct tape.

Hale McKay said...


Diets come and go - but the food is always there.

Hale McKay said...


As for diets - there should be a Murphy's Law on diets:

Everything deemed healthy to eat will invariably be declared harmful to one's health.