Cletus Looks At Commercials

Don't y'all hate false advertising?

Ya know that airline commercial where theys say bags fly free? Well, don't y'all believe it fer one minute. They wanted a hunnerd dollars a'fore they'd let my mother-in-law git on board one of their jet planes!

(So's I went down to Wal-Mart and bot her one of them new fangled "Swifter Jets" so's she could fly home in style.)

Now this one really raises my dander. (Sigh) I keep fergettin' that some of y'all readers might be Yankees. Listen up, ya cain't grows dander. It's anudder one of them s'presshuns. They's no such thing as dander seeds.

I'm talkin' bout them pills whut's s'posed to help men whut cain't get it up. Ya know, the ones whut have some of them side 'fecks. One is that a man's 'rection might not go down fer four hours or more! They says iffin' that happens you should go see a doctor straight away.

Tarnation! They ain't no man alive what would be a-thinkin' they would need to be seein' a doctor fer that! Some men might go to the doctor's office iffin that wuz to happen, but not to see the doctor. They'd be goin' there to see the nurses, iffin y'all get my driff.

Well folks, let me be the first to say that's all a bunch of hogwash! It's jest a come-on to gets us men to buy them there pills.

(Yep, I went and tried them. Four hours? No sir-ee. No way! It didn't happen. I even took three and four of them at a time and they wuz no difference than iffin I didn't take none. Now don't you go givin' no never mind to my wife. Smart alecky woman said it wuz more like four minutes.)

Y'all know what else gets my goat? And afore you asks, no, I don't owns a billy goat! Thas jest a s'presshun. It don't mean I wanna get a goat or that I got one.

Whut I'm a-talkin' bout is all them places whut claims to offer discounts fer senior citizens. Well, it ain't true - nary a word of it. Like that time my mother-in-law wanted to treat us to a meal fer our anniversary. She took me and my wife down to one of them Shoney's Big Boy hamburger joints.

Well, I figgered that since she wuz a-buyin' I'd order up a heap of grub fer myself. Fer an appetizer I went and asked fer one of them big ol' cheeseburgers and a large order of them chili-topped french fry taters and a large 'nilla shake to wash it all down wiff. Then I got me one of them country-fried steaks all smothered wiffin' some good ol' bacon grease gravy. Then I washed that down with a large RC pop. Now everyone knows that after all them victuals a feller has to top it off wiffin' a piece of strawberry pie fer dee-zert.

Whilst I wuz a feastin' on my food, my wife and her mother they only et a salad wiffin a glass of water.  They said they wuz filled up and didn't even get no dee-zert.

Bye n' bye it come time fer the gal to bring over the bill fer the food. Since the mother-in-law wuz a treatin' I paid no never mind to the slip what the waitress put down on the table. But she sure nuff did. Well she looked at the bill and then up at me and said she didn't have enuff scratch whut wuz needed to settle the bill.

Ain't that jest like that  woman to be offerin' to treat somebody and not have the money to do it wiff! So's I took a gander at that bill and right away found they's done made a mistake. They done fergotten to figger in the senior citizens' discount.

When I brung this to the 'tenshun of the gal, she said I wuz wrong. She told me they wuz a discount on what she had and that wuz fer a salad. The rest of the food whut my wife et and what I et wuz not subject to a senior citizen's discount.

"Gawd a'mighty," I says to her, "She is the one whut wuz s'posed to be a payin' fer all the food. Keepin' that in mind, there should be a discount on everything."

They's nothin' worst that a gal whut thinks she's smart. She jest laughed and said, "That might be true, but it's like this, she ain't got enuff money to pay fer it. That means you will have to pay. And iffin' you is the one a-payin' they's no discount on account you ain't no senior citizen."

Iffin that wuzn't bad enuff, damned iffin my wife and the ol' lady didn't commence to be agreein' wiffin that waitress. Well, I knowed I wuz out-numbered and wuzn't gonna win that argument. So's I pulled out a twenty-dollar bill and told her to bring me back the change.

She jest stood there and said "That ain't enuff money. You owe me anudder five dollars."

I wuz in a fix coz I didn't have no more money. I said to her, "Iffin you wuz to put that discount on the bill I would have enuff to pay fer it wiffin that twenty."

Just then my mother-in-law got all high falootin' like she had some class and said, "Since I wuz a fixing to treat you fer yer anniversary anyways, I'll pay the udder five dollars. It's the least I can do fer my daughter and her husband."

( Well, I sure enuff gave that gal and her manager a piece of my mind. I told them they wuz guilty of false advertisin' when it come to the matter of senior discounts. I wuz gonna give my mother-in-law a piece of mind too fer a-cheatin' me out of my $20, but I didn't want to get busted over the head wiffin that pocketbook of hers - leastwise not in public. )

Don't tell her I said so, but my mother-in-law wuz guilty of false advertisin' when she offered to treat us wiffout havin' enuff money to do it!

№ 1993