Friday, July 30, 2010

It's About the Size of It!

Doggone Funny!
The Skin Graft

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then donated some of his skin...

However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one, including his wife, be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty!

She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!

He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I'll get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!"

 What's It's Name?

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"

The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike,' for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers,' because 'It really Satisfies."

The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."
The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?"

The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job 1.' " Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret.' Now give me my beer."

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"

The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"


A chicken farmer went to a local bar...sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "this is a special day for me I am celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence!" says the farmer.

As they clinked glasses the man asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man."I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I used a different cock," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

 Redneck Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide) So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me -- I don't want to go deaf!"

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . .", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand . . .

Lesson: Stimulation

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy,"  she then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind; two, you didn't read your homework assignment; and three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

The X-Files:  The Truth Is Down There

FBI agents, Scully and Muldar are sharing a motel room in a small Midwestern town. They are undercover as man and wife to investigate an X-File lead.

This was not the first time they had posed as man and wife, but as usual Muldar was getting horny. She pretended not to notice that he'd been ogling her. She ignored his furtive glances as he tried to get a pantie shot every time she crossed and uncrossed her legs. On this case she'd considered wearing no panties, just to see him go crazy and then disappear into the bathroom for several minutes.

However, she had a better idea. Since they had to change to get ready for a town meeting in twenty minutes, she was going to put on a show he'd never forget. Then to teach him a lesson, she would not leave him enough time for him to disappear to relieve himself.

When there was only ten minutes before the meeting, she slipped into the bathroom to change. She deliberately left the door ajar. She called out to him, "Muldar, we have to leave soon. I'm getting dressed now!"

Pretending not to notice he was already by the door, she was posing in front of the mirror wearing only a skimpy thong and an unbuttoned blouse. She cupped her large breasts and made some moaning sounds. She then adjusted the thong by pulling it tight and stretching the material until there was little left to the imagination. She could hear his heavy breathing behind the door. She then stepped into a skirt and called out, "Muldar, I'm just about ready. Are you dressed?"

Muldar moved quickly, but stiffly away from the door. "Just about," he replied. He was struggling however to get his tight slacks fastened. There was an obvious bulge in his pants hampering his efforts. He unzipped the fly to relieve the pressure and turned his back to the bathroom as Scully emerged.

He held his jacket over his arm to allow it to drape enough to hide his condition. He moved slowly toward the door and said, "Let's go."

It was all she could do not to break out in laughter. She decided to have a little more fun at Muldar's expense. "Fox Muldar! Your barracks door is wide open!"

He was a little confused at first. That was not a phrase men usually used to describe this particular wardrobe malfunction. Biding for time in hopes that his condition would improve he answered, "Barracks door?"

"Your fly, Muldar," she said pointing. "Your fly is unzipped."

By that time his aroused state had finally abated, so he pulled up the zipper and smiled sheepishly at his partner. They left their room and proceeded to their car outside.

Thinking it would make the best of the situation and ease the tension between them, Muldar turned to Scully and whispered, "When you saw the barracks door open did you see a soldier in there standing at attention?"

Scully paused for a moment, grinned and replied, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags!"

What Is it?

This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 6 to 8 inches long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes. Is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other.

In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.

Anyone found listening in will most surely recognise the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft.

After the activity has ceased, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less. What is it?

As most of you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other than your very own - toothbrush!



Anonymous said...

Still laughing!-Cathy

Sandee said...

I stole the what's the name of your penis one. Bwahahahahaha.

Have a terrific day and weekend ahead. :)

Hale McKay said...


Thanks for visit and comments. Glad you got a laugh out of these.

Hale McKay said...


If I had to pick one you might want to steal - that was the one.