Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Jokes R.F.D.

Marriage is like playing poker...In the beginning all you need are two hearts and a diamond...In the end, all you want is a club and a spade!- (Lifted from Cathy on FB)

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, Billy Bob performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease
move, he lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and
frayed plaid shirt.

Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained
tee shirt underneath. With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from
his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the snot outta' me!" exclaims Billy Bob.
Then, obviously embarrassed, he says, "Me and the old lady been
having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist
suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

"Darling," she whispered after they had finished making love, "Will you still make love like that to me after we're married?"
He considered this for a moment, and then replied, "I think so. I've always been especially fond of married women."

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"

He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"

The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.

Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"

He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.

She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"

Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, I voted for Obama and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches....

A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness.
The defense attorney asked, “Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?”
“No sir,” answered the man.
“Did you ever get any from his wife?”
“No sir.”
“Did you ever get any from his daughters?”
“Uh–excuse me sir,” the witness said, “but we’re still talking about drugs here, right?”

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.

"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen? "

"Yep. Sure did. " The man muttered unconcernedly.

"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane? "

"Yep. "

"Were there any survivors? " the agent gasped.

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out. " The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning. "

"The President of the United States is dead? " The agent gulped in disbelief.

"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't . . . but you know what a liar he is. "

A farmer wrote to a giant mail order company and asked the price of their toilet paper.
The company wrote back and told him to look on page #287.
He wrote another letter back, "If I had your catalog, I wouldn't need your toilet paper."

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.

The farmer said, "That's once."

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer said, "That's twice."

After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.

His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."

The farmer said, "That's once."



Sandee said...

Bwahahahahaha. I loved the farmer and his peaches the very best.

Have a terrific day. :)

Anonymous said...

Love them...always a good day for a laugh. I would love to see that strip tease...know anyone willing?...just saying.-Cathy

Steve said...

Best way to start the day is with a good chuckle. Thanks.

Hale McKay said...

To Cathy,

Wonders if that would attract her....

Hale McKay said...


Poor farmer just can't seem to get ahead.

(Pardon the pun.)

Hale McKay said...


Glad to give a good start to your day.

Blogger said...

I've just installed iStripper, so I can watch the best virtual strippers strip-tease on my desktop.