Rejected Peanuts Specials

We learn about VD in:
"IT BURNS WHEN I PEE, CHARLIE BROWN"

Charlie and the little red-headed girl learn about unwanted pregnancy in:
"I'M STARTING TO SHOW, CHARLIE BROWN!"

Is Linus gay?
"ITS A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE, CHARLIE BROWN"

Charlie moves back to his house in East LA in:
"OYE! VATO! QUE PASA, CARLITO MORENO?"

See how the Peanuts Gang deals with sexual pressures in:
"NO MEANS NO, CHARLIE BROWN!"

Discover a father's forbidden love in:
"IT'S OUR LITTLE SECRET, CHARLIE BROWN"

Franklin speaks! The Peanuts gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in:
"IMO BUSTA CAP INYO ASS, CHARLIE BROWN"

What goes on in the mind of a serial killer? Discover the inner workings of Pig Pen's twisted psyche and meet his murderous alter ego "Mr. Clean" in:
"GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT, CHARLIE BROWN"

Schroder teaches the Peanuts gang about getting high in:
"ROLL US A FAT ONE, CHARLIE BROWN!"

Charlie's little sister Sally walks in and catches him "choking the chicken."
"YOU'LL GO BLIND, CHARLIE BROWN!"

Charlie Brown gets his first job in:
"WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT, CHARLIE BROWN?"

Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while stealing social security checks and stripping cars in:
"GO BLAME SOCIETY, CHARLIE BROWN"

Peppermint Patty 'goes to town' on Marcie in:
"WHO NEEDS MEN, CHARLIE BROWN?"

Charlie gets an AOL account and stays up all night long in:
"WELCOME!... YOU HAVE MAIL, CHARLIE BROWN"

The peanuts gang learns about death in:
"WHY ISN'T LINUS MOVING, CHARLIE BROWN?"

Charlie Brown learns the pain of a sex change in:
"YOU LOOK DIFFERENT, CHARLIE BROWN"

Charlie Brown learns about cyber sex in:
"WHAT ARE YOU WEARING, CHARLIE BROWN?"

Snoopy goes to town on Charlies leg in:
"YOUR DOG REALLY LOVES YOU, CHARLIE BROWN"

Charlie Brown joins a fanatically religious cult:
"IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE, CHARLIE BROWN"

The Peanuts gang learns about self-stimulation in:
"WHY ARE MY PALMS SO HAIRY, CHARLIE BROWN?"

Charlie Brown learns prostitutes are trouble in:
"WHERE'S MY MONEY, CHARLIE BROWN?"

Charlie Brown learns about STD's in:
"THAT WASN'T THERE BEFORE, CHARLIE BROWN."

Charlie Brown learns about the consequences of prison in:
"DON'T DROP YOUR SOAP, CHARLIE BROWN."

Charlie Brown learns about suicide in:
"GOOD-BYE, CHARLIE BROWN."

Charlie Brown learns about pornography in:
"WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING, CHARLIE BROWN?"

Charlie Brown learns about tax fraud in:
"HERE COMES THE IRS, CHARLIE BROWN."

No.1110

Beat of a Different Dumb

"In other words," Bush said, "when we begin to draw down troops from Iraq, it will be from a position of strength and success, not from a position of fear and failure."

Although he has reluctantly suggested that he would call back some of our soldiers stationed in Iraq, President Bush's resolve to find Osama bin Laden has not diminished.

It has been learned by this Blogger that several years ago President Bush had received a letter from Osama bin Laden.

After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if bin Laden is still alive', bin Laden decides to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him know that he is still in the game.
.... Bush opens the letter and sees only a coded message: "370HSSV-0773H". He can't figure it out, so he asks Karl Rove.
.... Rove suggests that the head of the CIA would certainly understand code, so Bush sends it to George Tenet. Tenet, however, can't figure it out, either. He suggests, "How about Condi? She has a doctorate, that means she's smart."
.... But Dr. Rice is baffled, too. As Bush is pondering the mysterious message lying on the desk before him, Colin Powell enters the Oval Office. When he sees the paper and reads what is written on it, he asks, "Sir, where did that come from?"
.... Bush replies testily, "Supposedly it's a message from Osama bin Laden. But what the hell does '370HSSV-0773H' mean?"
.... Powell clears his throat and replies, "Mr. President, I think you've been looking at the message upside down."

Bill Clinton Statue Unveiled in Little Rock

Inspite of the fact that Hillary accompanied her husband to Arkansas' state capital, thousands were on hand on the front steps of the entrance to a Victoria's Secret shop to witness the unveiling of the former President's statue.

Said long time resident Gladys Hornpout, "It's so lifelike. It's as if he was standing there doing what he did naturally when he lived and served here."

Distracted by the store front window displays, Bill excused himself to buy a "present" for wife. Unfortunately they had nothing in her size or in burlap.

Oprah Opines

Oprah Winfrey was recently asked to join Kirstie Alley and Valerie Bertinelli as a spokesperson for Jenny Craig.

She refused the offer saying that she had an effective weight loss program of her own.

"Just today," she said, "I burned up 2500 calories. I set fire to my Fettucine Alfredo recipe!"

Mother Daughter Exchange

"My new boyfriend works at home," said the young woman to her mother.
...."Oh?" said her mother. "What's he do?"
...."He's an umpire!"

Word of the Day

Junk Yard - a car's final rusting place

No.1109

Her Cups Runneth Over (7)

This is the seventh installment of a short story which began HERE.

A torrid sun; a tropical paradise; a frustrated writer; a cheating wife; a mysterious sultry woman... the ingredients for a forbidden affair? Or the recipe for murder and the perfect crime?

XXI

"Where are you taking me?" I demanded of the man in the back seat next to me. "Who are you?" His emotionless face turned to look at me but he said nothing. I looked to the other man behind the wheel. "I suppose you're going to kill me..." I swallowed hard and continued, "...Just like you killed my wife?"

Through the rear view mirror our eyes met as the driver spoke, "Mr. Earle, I assure you, we have killed no one. We are not going to kill you. On the contrary, we are here to keep you alive!"

"Great. Just great," I said. "I always pictured my guardian angel with wings and a halo. What do I get? The Men in Black!"

The second man elbowed me and said, "Forget about comedy, Mr. Earle. You'd better stick to writing mysteries."

The driver cleared his throat, "Mr. Earle, we know you have a lot of questions. We can answer some, but not all of them. You are a story teller, and for the moment, so am I. Please allow me to tell you a story. Listen and learn, Mr. Earle."

I relaxed and took in all that the man related to me. His fascinating narrative, while filling in some of the missing pieces of the puzzle that had been my life for the last thirty-six hours, also succeeded in producing more questions. From the steel-like demeanor of the two men I was certain that those new questions weren't going to be answered. I was being given only the information they felt I needed to know and nothing more.

XXII

The key unlocked the door and the figure entered the suite. Forsaking the lights the intruder walked over to the desk and opened the lid to the laptop computer. All the necessary light required was produced as the machine whirred to life. Deft fingers played upon the keyboard until the screen filled with text. Her Cups Runneth Over appeared at the top of the body of text of the novel.

There was plenty of time. He would be occupied with his new friends for a while. A few words here and a sentence there were deleted. Then the fingers danced rapidly and inserted new text where the deleted material had been. Hands on hips the figure nodded in smug satisfaction. It had the makings of another best seller.

A disc was produced from a jacket pocket and inserted into the slot. After several minutes confirmation of the completed task appeared on the screen. One hand removed the disc and returned it to the jacket as the other shut down the device and closed the lid.

The figure crossed the room and stood by the dresser before kneeling before it. A hand reached under the dresser and pulled out an envelope and a blue bra.

No one witnessed the figure closing the door to the suite. Unseen the figure entered the stairwell.

XXIII

The man's story came to an end as he turned into the entrance to the hotel driveway. I was too lost in thought trying to digest all he had told me that I hadn't realized the car had come to a stop. I only became aware that my ride was over when the man next to me reached across and my body and opened the back door.

Before sliding out I looked toward the driver and asked, "At least answer one question for me?" I paused until I saw a slight nod of his head. "How did the police come to the conclusion that my wife's death was a suicide? Think about it, how could a person hang herself on a that railing with her ... own underwear?" My voice cracked at the mention of the underwear. I knew that she hadn't been wearing any underwear last night, but so far no one, not the cops and certainly not these men had touched upon that fact.

The car began to roll slowly forward and the driver rolled down the window and replied, "Because, Mr. Earle, there was an eye witness." He applied the brakes and made eye contact with me and added, "That witness was described as an attractive woman dressed in a white blouse and a leather miniskirt."

I know it is a cliched expression, but my jaw felt as if it had fallen to within inches of the pavement on which I stood. I turned to respond as the car began to pull away but found myself straining to make out the driver's parting words, "Finish your novel, Mr. Earle, and don't forget to edit!"

I don't know how long I was standing there staring in the direction the car had disappeared. I don't know how much time had passed before realizing that I was being bathed in light from a source behind me. I turned to see a police car sitting by the curb.

Sgt. Baker stepped out of the cruiser and approached me carrying a bag. "Ah, Mr. Earle. I presume you were on your way to see us at the station?" He noted my uncertain nod and said, "We thought we would save you the trouble and bring you your wife's personal effects." He extended his arm and placed the bag into my outstretched arms. "All we have left to do to close this case is for you to sign the death certifcate and to make arrangements for the remains."

XXIV

I didn't know why at the time, but I suggested that I accompany them to the station and take care of those matters forthwith. For some reason, the police seemed to want the whole affair closed as soon as possible. Then there were the 'Men in Black.' What had one of them said ... that they were trying to keep me alive? I was in danger, mortal danger?

From what the driver of that car had told me, I was able to connect a few of the dots. It had become painfully obvious to me that my wife's death was not suicide. I glanced at the bag next to me in the back seat of the cruiser. That bag, and of course her lifeless body in the morgue, were all that was left of our life together. Sure her promiscuous lifestyle was not conducive of a normal happy marriage, but she didn't deserve to be strangled to death, certainly not with another woman's underwear!

I must have been driven by some innate desire for morbid torture, why else would I have chosen that moment to gaze upon the contents of that bag? Why was I not surprised to find, not her white blouse and leather miniskirt, but a ... red dress?

I had begun to think that I had become anesthetized to sorrow. I had not shed a tear over her untimely death. I had become nothing but a hollow compassionless man. I thought back to those past horrible feelings and wishes that something would happen to her. I knew that I didn't really wish her bodily harm. Or did I?

It was as if I were impervious to grief as I signed the various documents that Sergeant Baker placed before me. The word 'suicide' didn't register as my eyes passed over what had had been typed under 'Cause of Death.'

I think that at that moment, I must have been on the brink of madness. I'm not sure what might have become of me after that visit to the police station, had not Officer Locke walked into the room at that very moment carrying that object.

My face turned pale as the object was carefully presented to me. I scarcely heard Baker's words, "As requested for the disposition of your wife's body, Mr. Earle, here are her ashes."

I jumped to my feet and slammed my fist on the desk and shouted angrily, "Whose request? I never ordered my wife to be cremated !"

To be continued .... HERE.

No.1108

50 Ways to Leaf Your Lover

I found the picture at the left a week or so ago. It is a print of Rembrandt's Adam and Eve.

As I was looking at it I kept thinking something wasn't right. After all, who am I to question the artistic prowess of one of history's great artists? But yet ....

Is this a cleverly photo-shopped reproduction of a Master's work? Could it be that Rembrandt himself was in a devilish mood?

I leave it to you. Is it me? Does something - anything look amiss to you in this image?

Never the background. Never mind Adam for that matter. Look at Eve. Is that what it looks like? Look there at the juncture of her legs.

...Is that a.....?


Where Was Eden?

An American, a Frenchman, and a Russian were trying to determine the nationality of Adam and Eve.

The American said, "Adam and Eve were clearly Americans. They had abundant material wealth all around them. For them, it was paradise."

The Frenchman said, "Adam and Eve were French. They were beautiful and had a passionate, loving relationship."

The Russian said, "Adam and Eve were clearly Russians. They were naked, cold, and had only an apple between them to eat. Only a true Soviet would call this paradise!"


Pass the Excedrin

One day God and Adam were walking in the garden. God told Adam it was time to populate the earth.

He told Adam, "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve." Adam replied "God, what is a kiss?"

God told Adam and Adam went and took Eve behind the bush and kissed her. A little while later, Adam came back out with a big smile and said "Wow Lord! That was great!! What next?"

God said, "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." Adam says, "Lord what is a caress?" God explained it to Adam and he again took her behind the bush.

A little while later, he came out and said "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What next." God said, "Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to take Eve and make love to her."

Adam said "Lord, what is to make love?" God explained and Adam took Eve behind the bush and a few seconds later came out and said "Lord, what is a headache?"


Tickle Your Ribs

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You´re running around with other women," she told her mate.

"Eve, honey, you´re being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you´re the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in his side. It was Eve poking him about the torso.

"What do you think you´re doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

Greatest Gift of All

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability".

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to! Please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm out working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly! It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please!!"

On and on he went, like an excited little boy who..., well,...had to pee.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so, Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his micturation while in a vertical position. He was so happy, he celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left in here?"

"Oh yes," he said, "Multiple orgasms..."

No.1107

A Watched Pot Never Boils

Sometimes trying to come up with an idea for a post is like looking for the proverbial needle in a haystack. Although in my case lately, it's been more like looking for a straw in a needle stack.

This evening while I was surfing the web for some inspiration I had an ear tuned to the kitchen listening for the kettle. I find it relaxing to have a nice hot cup of coffee at arm's length when I'm on the computer.

Wouldn't you know that the moment I began reading something interesting the kettle started whistling away! As I was about halfway through the article I was reading I noticed that the high-pitched screech of the kettle had stopped. I shrugged and decided to finish reading the piece.

Then I heard my wife say from behind me, "Let me guess, the great American blog?" It was obvious that the kettle boiling and whistling away had disturbed her while in the middle of counting stitches on her latest crocheting project. She didn't say them aloud, but I heard her parting words just the same, "You couldn't get up and tend to the pot?"

I did respond to her first question, "No, this someone else's blog, I haven't started mine yet tonight." I don't think she heard me, but it was a clever comeback. Well, I thought it was.

That old adage, "A watched pot never boils " came to mind. In a natural progression of my thought processes I came up with an updated version. Have you ever noticed that "A watched website never loads? "


Profound Thought of the Day: Heck is where people go who don't believe in gosh.

No Millionaire She

Were the producers of that game show being cruel to this contestant pictured at the left to give her such a hard question? The poor thing doesn't have a clue!

Reach Out and Touch Someone

From a course booklet of a small community college there is a listing for the class: Interpersonal Communication. An asterisk next to class title directs you to the bottom of the page to a note that reads: "This course is only offered online."

Bubba and Darlene (Thanks, Earl)

A young farm couple, Bubba and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Bubba left the house for the fields, they made love. When he came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love and also during the night.
....The problem was their nooner: it took Bubba a half hour to walk home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done. Finally Bubba asked the town doctor what to do.
...."Bubba," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."
....They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Bubba came back to the doctor's office. "What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"
...."Oh, it worked good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again."
...."Good, Bubba. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.
...."Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started!"

No.1106

Remembering 9-11-2001

It's hard to believe that it has been six years,
so vivid the images
that had my eyes transfixed to the television
that terrible morn.
It was one of those moments, so indelibly

imprinted in my mind, I'll not forget where

I was or what I was doing when it happened. Were we at war? Was it safe to go to work? My daughter, was she safe?

The planes flying into the WTC towers ... the towers collapsing ... innocent people dying ...

It occurred to me that it is only those tragic moments that evoke the memories of where I was or what I was doing. There were the assassinations of President John F. Kennedy, Senator Robert Kennedy and the Rev. Martin Luther King!

I remember the first lunar landing and Apollo 13, but I cannot recall exactly where I was or what I might have been doing during those moments. I realize that they were moments of triumph and not of tragedy. That's the rub. Therein lies the difference!

Those indelible memories share one common thread - the murder of innocent lives!




I found the following poem by Charles M. Province, and thought it was fitting as a tribute to this solemn date.

It's the Soldier

A protest raged on a courthouse lawn,
Round a makeshift stage they charged on,
Fifteen hundred or more they say,
Had come to burn a Flag that day.
A boy held up the folded Flag,
Cursed it, and called it a rag.
An old man pushed through the angry crowd,
With a rusty shotgun shouldered proud.

His uniform jacket was old and tight,
He had polished each button, shiny and bright.
He crossed that stage with a soldier's grace
Until he and the boy stood face to face.

"Freedom of speech," the old man said,
"Is worth dying for, good men are dead,
So you can stand on this courtyard lawn.
But before any Flag gets burned today,
This old man is going to have his say!

My father died on a foreign shore,
In a war they said would end all war.
But Tommy and I wasn't even full grown
Before we fought in a war of our own.
And Tommy died on Iwo Jima's beach
In the shadow of a hill he couldn't quite reach,
Where five good men raised his Flag so high
That the whole world could see it fly.

I got this bum leg that I still drag
Fighting for this same old Flag.
No there's but one shot in this old gun,
So now it's time to decide which one,
Which one of you will follow our lead,
To stand and die fow what you believe?
For sure as there is a rising sun,
You'll burn before this Flag burns, son."

Now this riot never come to pass.
The crowd got quiet and that can of gas
Got set aside as they walked away
To talk about what they had heard this day.
And the boy who had called it a dirty rag,
Haded the soldier the folded Flag.

So the battle of the Flag this day was won
By a tired old soldier with a rusty gun,
Who for one last time, had to show to some,
This Flag may fade, yet these colors don't run.

No.1105

Face It, You're Getting Older

YOU'RE GETTING OLDER WHEN...

- When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

- When your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.

- When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest you.

- When your wife says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

- When you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

- You and your teeth don't sleep together.

- Your back goes out, but you stay home.

- It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

- Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

- Happy hour is a nap.

- Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

- It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

- The pharmacist has become you new best friend.

- It takes twice as long to look half as good.

- The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

- You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.

- You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.

- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

- You're suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. You go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.

- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

- It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

- Your eyes won't get much worse.

- Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.

- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

- You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."

- You start video taping daytime game shows.

- Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

- Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."

- You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

- You look both ways before crossing a room.

- Your childhood toys are now in a museum.

- The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.

- All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.

- Your back goes out more than you do.

- Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.

- Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

- You sing along with the elevator music.

- You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

- You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

- You send money to PBS.

- The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

- You wear black socks with sandals.

- Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

- You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.

- Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.

- Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.

- You look forward to a dull evening.

- Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

- You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

- You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

- You don't remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.

- You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.

- "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.

- Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

No.1104

The Redenbacher Strain

It had to happen sooner or later that someone would decide to remake Michael Crichton's "The Andromeda Strain."

In the remake, "The Redenbacher Strain", humanity is not about to be wiped out by a mutated organism from space, but instead faces extinction from ... buttered popcorn fumes!

Wait! It's not a movie!

Okay, the preceding paragraph was a satirical remark based on the latest threat du jour to the health and welfare of humanity. Apparently, breathing the aroma of buttered popcorn is harmful to your health.

It seems that a certain chemical compound, namely diacetyl, which is present in buttered popcorn escapes into the air we breathe. At particular risk are the workers in the production and processing areas of those companies which distribute packaged popcorn.

The danger, however, is not limited to the aforementioned workers. We are in danger in the comfort of our own homes! What, I ask you, is the greatest invention since the microwave oven? Microwave Popcorn, of course! What is present along with a cold drink when we settle onto the sofa to watch a movie on television? You guessed it, Microwave Popcorn! That euphoric aroma wafting about us can only be one thing - Microwave Popcorn!

Just think of those other places where you might be exposed to buttery popcorn fumes: the movie theater, sporting venues, shopping malls, carnivals and the circus! Who always draws a crowd at parades? Yep, the popcorn vendor.

How many more of our creature comforts are going to be taken away from us? I, for one, love the smell of popcorn in the morning afternoon or evening! Let someone else pop up a batch of that manna, I'm right there - the best of friends! I cannot, will not walk by a kiosk that sells fresh popcorn!

It has gotten to the point that everything I like is not good for me, or should be consumed in moderation. Now I ask you, how can popcorn be eaten in moderation? Let's see, I've been advised to cut back on foods containing trans fats. At one time they told us to avoid eggs. Then they told us too much milk and dairy products weren't healthy. I could go on and on but I think you get the picture.

Oh yes, don't forget that there have been studies that suggest that bottled waters are not necessarily as pure as advertised. Think about it, why should water have "sell-by" dates? As it turns out, these bottles of so-called natural water contain additives that are not only not found in natural water, but aren't even found in nature! Can you say 'man-made' additives and preservatives?

Isn't it curious that we used to drink unpasteurized and un-homogenized milk, made our cheeses and butters from it, and yet we never heard the term 'lactose intolerant?' I tell you, I'm beginning to get health-conscious intolerant!

I hear that Oprah is pissed off about the whole flap over buttered popcorn. For a brief moment I almost gained a bit of respect for her. Then I realized she's angry because she didn't get to break the news just like she did with the mad cow scare years ago.

As we would expect, Al Gore isn't happy about it either, because he invented buttered popcorn. He got the idea that it would be the perfect snack for us while we enjoy the benefits of another of his inventions - the Internet.

I think I know the source of this health scare. It is actually a contrived conspiracy by none other than Michael Moore to promote his next unbiased film!

I fear that this controversy over buttered popcorn is going to have a serious adverse impact on the social scene. I mean, how are those young men out there ever going to hone their dating skills without buttered popcorn? How many young impressionable girls are never going to experience a "popcorn surprise?" They could also miss out on the sensual delights of "popcorn lap," also known as "popcorn crotch." How else can a lad be expected to break the ice in a darkened movie theater without 'accidentally' spilling popcorn into his date's lap and greedily scooping up the spillage?

Today's catch phrase: The best things in life are free - the worst things are fat free!

Excuse me, but I need a hit! Ahhhh! I just opened a bag of fresh-popped movie butter microwave popcorn. I just placed my nose above the bag as I opened it and inhaled long and deep. That's right, I just snorted buttered popcorn fumes!

Why not go pop a bag for yourself and enjoy it while reading, if you haven't already, the latest installment of Her Cups Runneth Over.

Not interested in a sexy murder mystery? Perhaps you'd be interested in exclusive photos of the finalists of the 2007 Greatest Ass Contest. Check it out here!

No.1103

Rock of Ageds

What if I took some cartoons from my buddy Earl, some jokes from Jack, and a few I found myself and then mixed them all together in one post, what do suppose I would have?

Why it would be a smorgasbord of humor for the Baby Boomer set to feast upon of course!

You're not a Baby Boomer? Feel free to laugh anyway, because one day you'll find that these jokes are just a preview of your own later years.

-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>

An old man had been hard of hearing for many years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
.... The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
....The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
....Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
...."Really!" Like a newborn baby?"
...."Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
...."Yep!"
...."Do I know her?"
...."Nope!"
...."This woman, is she good looking?"
...."Not really."
...."Is she a good cook?"
...."Naw, she can't cook too well."
...."Does she have lots of money?"
...."Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
...."Well, then, is she good in bed?"
...."I don't know."
...."Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
...."Because she can still drive!"

-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
...."Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
...."Twelve thirty."


-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
....Morris replied, "Just doing what you said Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
...." The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, You've got a heart murmur, be careful."

-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>

A man was standing in front of the bathroom mirror primping. His wife was watching as he combed and recombed his hair each time relocating the part. He turns to her and says, "When I comb my hair like this, does it remind you of any rock stars?"
....She walks over , looks first at him and then into the basin and replies, "Yes. As a matter of fact I'm thinking ...'N Sync."

-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
....The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
...."No," he replied, "Arthritis."

-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>

GOING UP RIVER

At the Senior Citizens' luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed they decided to go fishing together the next day.
....The gentleman picked the lady up and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river and the gentleman asks the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
....All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right in the boat. When finished the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
....They fished for a while and then continued on down the river when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" There she went again, stripped off and made wild passionate love to him again.
....This really impressed the old gentleman so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and so here they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river and the gentleman asks, "Well, do you want to go up or down?"
....The woman replied, "Down."
....A little puzzled, the gentleman drove the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asks the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
....She replied, "Up."
....This really confused the gentleman so he asks, "What's the deal? Every time yesterday that I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing."
....She replied, "Well, yesterday I didn't have my hearing aid in and I thought you said 'f**k or drown'!"

No.1102

Her Cups Runneth Over (6)

This is the sixth installment of a short story which began HERE.

A torrid sun; a tropical paradise; a frustrated writer; a cheating wife; a mysterious sultry woman... the ingredients for a forbidden affair? Or the recipe for murder and the perfect crime?

XVIII

I felt like a cornered wild animal. This couldn't be happening. I was innocent! My head began throbbing from the bump on my head. The room began to spin. Then everything went dark ...

She was hovering over me. Her scent, a bouquet of lust, assaulted my olfactory senses. She leaned forward and placing her hand beneath it she maneuvered a breast to my quivering lips. I greedily accepted her offering. Ever so gently I nipped the hardened tip between my teeth.

"Ouch!" the woman cried! "The son of a bitch bit me!"

I opened my eyes and through the glare of a bright light I saw an unfamiliar face looking down at me. It only took a few moments before I realized that I was on the floor. The woman kneeling beside me was sucking on the end of her index finger. I managed to get myself upright into a sitting position and looked about me. 'Ollie' and 'Stan' stood nearby, their arms crossed at their chests.

"What happened?" I queried. I winced as I spoke and reached up for the source of pain on the crown of my head. A bandage had been applied to the spot.

The woman looked at her finger and then at me and said, "I'm the hotel nurse, Mr. Earle. You passed out and the officers here called me. You must have bumped your head on the side of the dresser when you fell. There was some minor bleeding, but nothing serious enough to be concerned about. I was trying to check to see if your air passage was clear ... when you bit me!"

She grabbed her bag and stood up. After telling the officers that I'd be okay, she left the suite. I tried to get up but didn't seem to have the strength. I slid back until I was sitting upright against the dresser.

'Stan' spoke first, "I'm sorry. You looked like you were falling and I tried to catch you from behind. I didn't get to you in time."

Then 'Ollie' broke his silence, "Let me put you at ease. You are not a suspect, Mr. Earle." He watched me as I relaxed before continuing, "Your wife's death is no longer considered to be a homicide. We are ruling it a suicide!"

XIX

I can only surmise that I must have blacked out again. I awoke and found myself lying atop the sheets on the bed. The police officers were gone. I was alone in the darkened room. I sat up slowly and remained motionless for several minutes to make sure there was no sudden blood rush.

A small sheet of paper resting on the dresser caught my eye. Judging from its size, I was correct in guessing that it was probably a page from the notebook of one of the Island's finest. I unfolded it and read the scribbled contents:

Mr. Earle,

I'm sorry if the findings of our investigation came as a shock to you. I understand that it was wasn't the best time to have laid that news on you so bluntly. When you are feeling better and ready to discuss the case, please come down to the station at your convenience.

Sgt. Stuart D. Baker and Officer James Locke

Funny, I thought, that during this whole nightmare I'd never learned either 'Stan's' or 'Ollie's' real names until that moment. I studied their names for a moment and raised one eyebrow. What was it with the names of the people who lived in this so-called island paradise?

"Studebaker? ... And James - Jimmy Locke?" I mused aloud. The parents of those two must have been comedians. Then, of course, there was one Nova - Nova Caine! Suddenly, I remembered the envelope and fell to my knees to retrieve it from beneath the dresser. Then there was the matter of the blue bra! I noted this as it slid into view with the envelope.

The two objects clasped in my fingertips, I sat down on the edge of the bed. I felt as if I had been laboring over a jigsaw puzzle with several missing pieces for the last two days and nights. The bra and the envelope were but two of the gaps in the picture depicted on the box. There was one problem, however. The puzzle had been disassembled, scooped back into the box, and had been thrown away. Yet, for some reason I had a feeling that the pieces in my hand would reveal far more of the bigger picture than the rest.

Beads of perspiration began to form on my forehead as I removed the contents from the unsealed envelope. I glanced only for a moment at my wife's name on its face. In stunned silence as I read the brief note several times, I realized that instead of providing me with me answers I was left with but another enigmatic piece of the puzzle.

Eve,

The arrangements have been made. When I am done we will meet you in the lounge. We will have a wonderful time. Don't worry, if things get out of hand we can always change.

N.

Nova and my wife knew each other? What arrangements? Were those arrangements a tryst for the two of them to meet the two men who had been questioned and released by the police? I cringed at the suggestions of the note that were ricocheting about in my skull. What did she mean 'if things got out of hand they could always change'? What, partners? Perhaps the most perplexing were the words: 'When I am done.' Had she meant when she was done screwing me?

XX

In the elevator to the lobby I paced back and forth. I wasn't going to learn anything in my suite. I had returned both the bra and the envelope to the hiding place under the dresser. At that time, I'd had a premonition that I should remain the only person to know of their existence or whereabouts, and that included the law.

I was tired of trying to solve ambiguous clues. In and of themselves, they meant little, too insignificant to help me understand what had been happening. Though I wouldn't have admitted it to a living soul, there was the matter of the siege that was being waged against my male pride. On that night I had been in the company of two voluptuous and gorgeous women, both of whom who had walked away through my door to be with another man!

One thing was certain, I needed to confront the bartender again. He'd lied to the police and to me. Who was he protecting? Me? But why? Himself? From whom? Nova? Nova, the mysterious thread that could surely tie everything together. The note to Eve had mentioned a meeting in the lounge. It wasn't unreasonable to think that a bartender with a 'sharp eye for detail' would have seen Nova, my wife and the two men when they entered the lounge.

As was the case of my previous visits to his bar, a drink was awaiting me as I settled onto a bar stool. He nodded to my raised glass and stood before me, anticipating my questions. I drained the glass in one long drink. I took a deep breath and let the warm concoction course through my body.

"Yes, Mr. Earle," he said as I placed the glass onto the bar. "I saw your wife in here last night after you had left. She met two rather large men in three-piece suits. They exchanged a few words and then she left with them." He crossed his arms across his chest as if to signal that he had nothing further to say. He remained in that pose and eyed me.

If for no other reason than to study his reaction I asked, "She was alone? There wasn't another woman with her?"

He tilted his head and rolled his eyes in the direction of the far end of bar near the entrance. He said softly, "Why not ask them?" I turned in time to see two men in suits rising from their stools. They glanced in our direction, nodded and turned to walk out of the lounge. "Those are the two men who left with your wife, Mr. Earle."

In a hurried pace I followed their perceived path out of the hotel foyer and onto the canopied sidewalk. I caught a glimpse of a figure rounding the corner to my left and followed. Suddenly from behind two strong hands grabbed my arms by the biceps and pulled them tight. Another figured appeared before me and without hesitation thrust a clinched fist into my gut.

Winded, I was then forcibly dragged to a car parked nearby. "Get in the car, Mr. Earle," one of the men ordered. I tried to speak as I looked up unto the face of one of the men. When he patted his chest to suggest that a gun was hidden inside his jacket, I complied. It was not the time to be a hero, especially in my weakened state.

To be continued .... HERE.

No.1101

New College Courses - Harvard University

Harvard University Seminars For Men: Fall Catalogue

Once again, the female staff at Harvard University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is required.

Etiquette and Behaviour:
EB101: PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
EB102: We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas
(Just Give Us The Credit Cards)
EB103: How Not To Act Like An Asshole When You Are Obviously Wrong
EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere Except In The Bathroom
EB105: You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Damn Well Please
EB106: How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
EB107: Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Your Vocabulary
EB108: Fluffing The Blankets After Farting Is Not Necessary

General Electives:
GE101: You, The Weaker Sex
GE102: Mother-in-Laws Are People Too
GE103: The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
GE104: Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home
GE105: You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked

Home Economics:
HE101: You Too Can Do Housework
HE102: How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
HE103: Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly called "Don't Wash My Silks")
HE104: Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
HE105: Get A Life - Learn To Cook
HE106: How To Put Down A Toilet Seat (formerly called "No, It's Not A Bidet")
HE107: How To Tolerate Bras And Pantyhose Hanging In The Bathroom
HE108: How To Color-Coordinate
HE109: Aiming Techniques During Urination
HE110: Overcoming Electronic Gadgetry Obsession

Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101: Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am
IR102: Reasons To Give Flowers
IR103: Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Often Bullshit
IR104: Romanticism - Other Ideas Beyond Sex
IR105: Marriage - Those Who Talk And Play Together, Stay Together

Life Skills:
LS101: Combating Stupidity
LS102: Parenting Roles Beyond Initial Conception
LS103: Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
LS104: Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
LS105: How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
LS106: The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
LS107: Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes
LS108: You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
LS109: Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works!
LS110: You Don't Really Need That Porsche After Thinning Hair And Mid-Life Crisis
LS111: Knowing When To Stop And Ask For Directions When Lost On The Road

Sex Education:
SE101: How To Stay Awake After Sex
SE102: Fall Semester: You Really Can Fall Asleep Without Doing It, If You Really Try Spring Semester: The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake In The Morning, Take A Cold Shower
SE103: Why Women Enjoy Giving Head About As Much As Men Enjoy Taking Out The Garbage
SE104: How To Interpret A Female "No" Reply When She Really Means "NO"
SE105: How To Interpret A Female "No" Reply When She Really Means "Yes"
SE106: Variations On Sex Positions (formerly called "Women Like To Be On Top Sometimes Too")
SE107: Alternatives To Handle Cases Of Sudden Erection
SE108: Foreplay - The Slow And Easy Appetizer Preceding The Main Meal


Harvard University Seminars For Women: Fall Catalogue

Once again, the male staff at Harvard University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is required.

Etiquette and Behaviour:
EB101: PMS (Preposterous Mood Swings) - Learning To Sleep Over At Mother's
EB102: We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas (Just Wear The Sexy Lingerie I Gave You)
EB103: How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Talk About Feminine Hygiene In Mixed Company
EB105: If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
EB106: How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
EB107: Apologizing For Farting When You're On The Toilet Is Not Necessary

General Electives:
GE101: You, The Whining Sex
GE102: Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
GE103: Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
GE104: Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
GE105: Learning To Appreciate Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men

Home Economics:
HE101: You Can Change The Oil Too
HE102: How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
HE103: How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
HE104: How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
HE105: Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
HE106: How To Close The Garage Door
HE107: How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
HE108: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One
HE109: Why Going To The Bathroom Is Not A Group Activity
HE110: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?")

Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101: Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
IR102: If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation
IR103: Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
IR104: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching "The Three Stooges"
IR105: Marriage - The Number One Cause Of Divorce

Life Skills:
LS101: Combating The Impulse To Nag
LS102: Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Else To Boss Around
LS103: Balancing A Check Book - Even You Can Get It Right
LS104: Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
LS105: Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
LS106: How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
LS107: Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank
LS108: How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
LS109: You Too Can Carry A Backpack
LS110: Dress Like A Slut And Put On Something Sexy - Why It Won't Ruin Your Brain
LS111: Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
LS112: How To Remain Femininely Enticing And Attractive After Menopause
LS113: How To Parallel Park

Sex Education:
SE101: Reasons To Give Head To Your Man
SE102: How To Stay Awake During Sex And Imagine That It Lasted For Over 10 Minutes
SE103: Fall Semester: You Can Use A Bed For More Than Just Sleep Spring Semester: It's Okay To Do It Outside Of The Bedroom
SE104: How To Say "Yes" More Often
SE105: How To Say "No" But Really Mean "Yes"
SE106: Lingerie - The Gift That Keeps On Giving
SE107: Sexual Alternatives For "That Time Of The Month"
(formerly called "Any Old Port In A Storm")
SE108: Foreplay (not a required course, for extra credit only)

No.1100

Male Perks

According to Poopdeck Pappy,
it's no co-inkydinks
that it's a man's world
- even if it is ruled by women!

Listen up ya land lubbers
to some Male Perks:

1. Your backside is never a factor in a job interview.

2. Your orgasms are real. Always.

3. Your last name stays put.

4. The garage is all yours.

5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from having an elicit affair.

7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

8. You don't give a hoot if no one notices your new haircut.

9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

10. Same work .. more pay.

11. Wrinkles-add character.

12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

17. One mood, ALL the time.

18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.

20. You can open all your own jars.

21.You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

27. No maxi-pads.

28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.

32. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.

33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

35. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

36. Christmas shopping can be done for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 15 minutes.

37. The world is your urinal.

Yes dear. I took out the trash ...

No.1099

The History of the "F" Bomb

Top Ten Times in History...when using the "F" word was appropriate.


10) "What the *&%# was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima

9) "Where did all these *&%#ing Indians come from?" - George Armstrong Custer

8) "Any *&%#ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein

7) "It does *&%#ing SO look like her!" - Picasso

6) "How the *&%# did you work that out?" -Pythagoras

5) "You want WHAT on the *&%#ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo

4) "I don't suppose it's gonna *&%#ing rain." - Joan of Arc

3) "Scattered *&%#ing showers...my ass!" - Noah

2) "I need this parade like I need a *&%#ing hole in my head!" - JFK

1) "Aw, c'mon, who the *&%# is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton


Other times receiving votes:

11) "Go ahead and erase them. No one will ever *&%#ing know." - Richard M. Nixon

12) " Ha! Ha! What do think you're going to do with one *&%#ing rock?" - Goliath

13) "What do you say, Dad? We'll sell *&%#ing millions of them!" - Edsel Ford

14) "Who the *&%# left the window open? The *&%#ing maps blew away?" - Amelia Earhardt

15) "Heads are going to *&%#ing roll!" - Anne Boleyn

16) "Honey, didn't the doctor tell you to lay off the *&%#ing salt?" - Lot

17) "Lizzy! Get out there and chop some *&%#ing firewood!" - Mr. Borden

18) "Ouch! Who the *&%# rearranged the furniture again?" - Hellen Keller

No.1098

Blowing In the Wind

How fitting is it that on a holiday named "Labor Day" I would be outside doing some yard work? Just when is "F**k Off Day" anyway? City workers and civil servants have it off. How come I don't?

The only person getting his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.

If a train station is where the train stops and a bus station is where the bus stops, what is a work station?

I have come to the conclusion that the wind blows! I mean that literally and figuratively. You see, it never fails that anytime I am raking, especially leaves, the wind starts to blow. I tell you, the wind blows! It waits until I have a nice neat pile ready to be transferred into the lawn bag when it 'sneezes' a 40 mph gust into the yard.

I call this occurrence the Snow Globe Effect . There I am, encased in a glycerin filled globe, rake in hand by a pile of leaves, when the globe is suddenly tipped, shaken and set back down right side up. Picture if you will, me standing there with rake in hand amid a swirl of leaves being strewn about.

Then there was that box half full of those Styrofoam packing peanuts. Get the picture? You know all about those seemingly lighter than air Styrofoam packing peanuts, don't you? You know, the same ones that take flight by the merest of air movements, such as someone performing only the deed of walking past them.

Oh, I took the necessary precautions alright. I had carried the bag and the box, in separate trips, into the garage. I knew that when dealing with the packing industry's man-made snow, there was no way I wanted to be in a leeward position to unpredictable rushes of wind.

Have I ever mentioned that the wind blows? I tell I was being watched. Someone flipped on the switch of that unseen fan to its nth speed! First there was a suction that pulled the garage door open. Then there was the inexplicable deflection of the wind against the open door. One moment I was feeling smug having felt a sense of victory over my nemesis the wind. The next, I was in whiteout conditions!

Have you ever noticed that when you pop corn you always seem to get far more popped kernels than what you actually poured into the pan in the first place? So it was that the flying flakes of Styrofoam packing peanuts filled the garage, even drifting in the corners. There is no doubt in my mind - the wind blows !


Yard Work

The homeowner got into his old work clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores his wife had been urging him to do all week. He cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and called out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?"

The fellow thought for a moment, then answered, "The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her."

Yard Work Charades

A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes in to take a shower.

Her husband is looking for a rake and can't find it. He yells up to his wife, but she motions to him from the window like she can't hear.

So he points to his eye, hits his knee, and then makes raking motions. ("I need the rake.")

She understands his gestures and she replies by pointing to her eye, grabbing her left breast, slapping her butt, and then rubbing her crotch.

The man is confused and runs upstairs.

"What? What was that?" he asked.

She answered, "Eye, left tit, behind, the bush."

And finally...

Life Before the Computer

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 ½ inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

No.1097

Idle Labor/Busy Humor

"Labor Day differs in every essential way from the other holidays of the year in any country. All other holidays are in a more or less degree connected with conflicts and battles of man's prowess over man, of strife and discord for greed and power, of glories achieved by one nation over another. Labor Day...is devoted to no man, living or dead, to no sect, race, or nation." - (Samuel Gompers, founder and longtime president of the American Federation of Labor)

Labor Day, the first Monday in September, is a creation of the labor movement and is dedicated to the social and economic achievements of American workers. It constitutes a yearly national tribute to the contributions workers have made to the strength, prosperity, and well-being of our country.
....The first Labor Day was celebrated in New York City on Tuesday Sept. 5, 1882. Two years later in 1884, it was officially declared to be celebrated as we know it today, on the first Monday of September.

Labor Day! How ironic is it that a holiday dedicated to the celebration of labor would become a day that many of us will do nothing? How neat is it that even those who don't work get to celebrate also? I guess you could say that "Labor Day" is a classic example of an oxymoron.

Overheard in an Office

The Boss: Why haven't you kept me up to date on that new account?
Employee: I've sent you 5 e-mails on it.
The Boss: I haven't had time to read my e-mail. There's too many of them. When you send important e-mails to me, call me to let me know to check my e-mail.
Employee: Okay, will do!
The Boss: But text me first to let me know it's an important call.

Casbah Concessions

It should come as no surprise to us that labor laws are different in other countries and around the world. What about decency, such as the relationship between doctors and patients?

This cartoon at the left by Sokol, whose cartoons are a regular feature in Playboy Magazine, gave me a chuckle. It made me wonder about what the doctor-female protocol may be in the Muslim countries.

The caption reads: "Everything off?"

It just struck me funny to think that a Muslim woman might feel more comfortable completely disrobing before her doctor and yet be hesitant to reveal her face to him.

Have you ever wondered what all those job evaluation comments on your performance reviews really mean?

Job Performance Meanings

Great Presentation Skills - Able to bullshit

Good Communication Skills - Spends lots of time on phone

Exceptionally Well Qualified - Made no major blunders yet

Work Is First Priority - Too ugly to get a date

Active Socially - Drinks a lot

Family Is Active Socially - Spouse drinks, too

Independent Worker - Nobody knows what he/she does

Quick Thinking - Offers plausible excuses

Careful Thinker - Won't make a decision

Uses Logic On Difficult Jobs - Gets someone else to do it

Expresses Themselves Well - Speaks English

Has Leadership Qualities - Is tall or has a loud voice

Exceptionally Good Judgment - Lucky

Keen Sense Of Humor - Knows a lot of dirty jokes

Loyal - Can't get a job anywhere else

Tomorrow is Labor Day

For those of you have tomorrow off, may you have a wonderful and restful day. For those who have to work, may your day be stress-free.

No.1096

It's About Time !

T I M E ! It's all about time isn't it? Our lives revolve around it. It governs everything we do. We go to work , attend social events, watch our favorite TV programs and sporting events, go to bed and awaken in the mornings, all as slaves to the passage of time.

It's no laughing matter ... Or is it?

Heaven's Clocks

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not very busy, today, why don't you let me show you around?"

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.

The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"

St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."

The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's George Bush's clock. We decided to use it as a fan"


The Cuckoo Clock

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him Midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all.

Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh no.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."


The Burglar


"Get this." said a guy to his friends, "Last night, while I was out with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.

"Did he get anything?" his friends asked.

The guy said, "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs."

One of his friends ask, "Whoa! But...how???"

The guy answered, "Well, it was really late at night and my wife thought it was me coming home late!!"


Talking Clock

A man showed some friends his apartment. One guest asked "What's that big brass basin for?" "That's the talking clock," answered the man. He gave it an ear shattering pound with a hammer. Suddenly, a voice on the other side of the wall screamed, "Knock it off, it's 2 a.m., people sleep you know!"


Coming Home Late

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.

"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.

"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.

"I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, because my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."


Speaking of time, it's late and I really should be in bed .... ZZZZZZZ !

No.1095