Saturday, December 13, 2008

Not Your Traditional Christmas Post

Tired of all those traditional sappy Christmas carols?

Try some of these and listen and laugh while you read this blog.

(These are not your father's Christmas carols.)




I've come to the conclusion that Christmas is weird. Think about it. What other time of the year do you sit around a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

The three phrases that best sum up the Christmas season:
1) "Peace on Earth"
2) "Goodwill to Men"
3) "Batteries not Included"
Buying Xmas Stamps

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

Clyde All Mighty!

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.

"Jesus Christ!" he shouted.

Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!"

12 Days of Fastfood
On the 12th day of Christmas,
My drive-through gave to me
Twelve bags of Pepto,
Eleven pounds of blubber,
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.


Poi To the World


1553

Friday, December 12, 2008

The Strange Story of Mr. Black and Ms Gray (5)

Part 5 of an original tale that delves into the unexplored realms of the human mind. Hired by her lover to find a raven haired beauty, Benjamin Bering must avoid the local police as well as the agents of a nonexistent government agency who are after him and the woman. There are just two problems. The woman is in a coma and her body has been stolen. (Part 1 can be found HERE.)


The Steamy Stuff

I could hear the inner workings of the DVD player as the laser was reading the mirrored surface of the disc looking for the initial starting point. Once again Michael and Michele were checking connections on their equipment, paying particular attention to the "headphones."

"While you are watching 'us' getting all the electronics calibrated and the cameras synchronized, I'll try to explain further what we had accomplished to that point in time," Michael interjected. "Two weeks prior to this recording we were ready to submit our findings to the New England Journal of Medicine. When we approached the head of our department, Professor Jordan, he told us that before we could publish he'd have to first check with "Mr. X" for approval.

With one eye watching the screen I said, "Mr. X? I assume he is your mysterious benefactor?"

He sighed deeply before his reply, "Yes. By that time we'd realized our benefactor was more hands on than your typical garden variety entrepreneur." He must have realized what my response might have been, "I know, I know that he had a vested interest in our research. After all he was signing the checks, the last we'd heard, to the tune of thirty-five million dollars."

I whistled and said, "Thirty-five million?" I traced a finger across my throat and waited for him to pause the machine. "Tell me, Michael, in your estimation just what exactly would the long range results of your research be? I mean, by that point in time," I pointed at the still images on the television screen, "what practical use could it have, say, in the field of medicine, or in any other field for that matter?"

He sat up and with an aura of confidence and replied, "Picture if you will, a patient visiting a doctor and complaining of some pain or discomfort. The patient doesn't know what is wrong and he is not even sure where the discomfort is centered. He only knows he is in pain."

"Wait a minute," I interrupted. "If I hit my thumb with a hammer while trying to hang a picture, I would damn well know where the pain is."

"Well in your scenario it would be obvious wouldn't it? Suppose his discomfort was the result of sciatica? He could be feeling pain in the entire length of his leg, or in his back, his arms or his neck, but in fact the source would be from a sciatic nerve somewhere else in the body." He noted that I was following his logic and continued, "The patient might not know what the source of pain is, but his brain does! We have been able to "read," for a lack of better word, the electric synaptic charges being fired from the point of pain and the signal sent back to his brain - within our own brains."

"Whew!" I exclaimed. "Instant diagnoses before any unnecessary exploratory and invasive surgeries! Impressive." I turned my attention back to the large screen and as if on cue he restarted the film.

There had to be more. What potential could this research have that would warrant so much cash being fed into it? As yet, I failed to see its potential for military use, or even for covert operations.

Suddenly the image on the screen caught my undivided attention. Michelle had removed her lab coat to reveal her incredible body, incredibly nude. Behind her my host was removing his clothing. I sat up straight and tried to make myself comfortable as the "steamy stuff" was about to begin.

I noticed that the couple seemed to be somewhat uncomfortable. Perhaps it was because they were being taped, or that they were being modest in the presence of the other.

Unprompted Michael offered an explanation, "Prior to that evening, Ben, we had not been intimately involved. Our relationship had been strictly professional. We were seeing the other naked for the first time."

I felt admiration for their resolve. Having never before that moment seen the other naked, they were about to engage in sexual intercourse in front of a camera for the sole purpose of their research. I had to admit to myself that I was not comfortable watching the tape in the presence of another male. If he felt the same way, it was not apparent.

In unison the man and the woman picked up the "headphones" and placed them upon the head of the other. This action brought into contact their bodies as well as certain parts of their bodies. She, having to tiptoe to place the device on his head, backed away for a moment after her breasts grazed his chest. He smiled and bent slightly to make her task easier.

They turned their attention to an array of electronic equipment on a bench behind where they were standing. After flipping several switches and adjusting the settings on a prominent pair of dials, they faced each other. In turn they confirmed that there were three blinking lights on their head pieces, one at the front center and one each situated above their temples.

I was watching the screen intently as he bent his head in a slight downward angle, an obvious attempt to view and to admire her naked breasts. It was a demure act when she started to raise an arm to cover her breasts. Her reaction however, was less than demure when her open palm met resistance when it came in contact with the underside of his hardening flesh.

Her hand stayed put and she looked up into his eyes. He bent his head until their lips met. Her lips parted and she hungrily accepted his tongue. She could feel the heat of his firmness in her hand, both pressed hard against her stomach. Then abruptly they pushed themselves away.

"Did you sense ... feel that?" he asked his eyes wide.

"Oh God, yes!" She exclaimed. "Did we ... were we...?" Her words trailed off.

I turned my attention from the screen and saw that Michael was looking at me also. He was smiling and his eyebrows were raised in anticipation of my question.

"They ... you and her felt more than ... uh ... emotion in the other? I don't quite know how to put it into words ..."

He replied, "Yes. As you will see, neither did we at the time."

On the screen the excited pair had moved to a nearby cot. He lie down on his back, his aroused state apparent. She climbed onto the cot and crawled on her knees until she was straddling him.

He placed his hands behind his head and looked up at her poised above him. "If what we thought was happening a few minutes is going to happen again ... this is going to be ... incredible!"

She giggled and said, "You know, it's strange but I don't know if I'm more excited about the results of our experiments ... or the sex."

He laughed and exclaimed, "If that's true ... What are you waiting for?"

There was a sudden look of alarm on her face. She whispered, "I heard something. Didn't you hear it?"

He listened for a moment and cursed under his breath, "Damn! It's the door. Someone's at the god damned door!"

She managed to make light of the moment and said, "You think that's bad? Look!" She pointed down at him. The interruption had, so to speak, left him deflated. He covered himself with his hands and motioned for her to climb off him.

They hurriedly began to throw on some clothing in order to appear decent when they buzzed in their visitor who unknowingly had such bad timing. He glanced at her and joked, "You ordered a pizza, didn't you?"

When the door opened, an upset Professor Jordan strolled inside carrying a piece of paper. They did not like the look etched upon his face as he approached them. They looked at each other, they feared it was the moment they'd been dreading.

"Sorry to interrupt, kids. Our unknown benefactor has issued this directive," he stated waving the paper before them. "He wants a complete report by Monday morning at 8 am. Your report should detail where your research has taken you, including any tests and procedures that take place before that day and time."

Michael sighed, "That's all? It's a wonder we get to run our tests at all with all the progress reports he continues to request." He grew silent as he looked into the Professor's eyes. "That is not all, is it?"

The elder man shook his head, "No, I'm afraid not. At such time he has your report in hand, your work will be done. He is shutting the project down. It will then be relocated to an undisclosed research facility under the jurisdiction of the U.S. government. Neither the two of you nor I will be a part of the selected team, or be invited to act as consultants on the further continuation and development of the work."

"Development?" Michelle said, an incredulous look in her eyes. "We don't have a product that can developed."

The professor held up a hand and said, "There's a post script to the memo. Anything and everything associated with your research including tapes, photographs and files will remain in this lab. It is all now property of the U.S. government. Lastly, we are not to discuss the work that took place here with anyone. Failure to heed this directive can and will result in prosecution to the fullest extent of the law of the land."

The remote in Michael's hand shut down the DVD player. I looked at him and said, "Law of the land? ... Hmmm ... Not just 'to the fullest extent of the law,' but 'to the fullest extent of the law of the land!' Mr. Black, we are in deep shit!"

(To be continued in part 6, Monday 12/15, While the Cat's Away.)

1552

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Treetop Vigil

An Oldie But Goodie...


A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:


When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

----------------------------------------

Over at The Bob Rivers Show ( Check it out here.) their radio crew paid tribute to that angel atop our Christmas trees with the following parody, sung to the tune of "Who Put the Bomp?":

Who Put The Stump?

I'd like to find the guy
Who done me wrong
And stuck my butt up
On this Christmas tree.

Who put the stump
In my rump-ba-bump-ba-bump?
Who took and jammed it
In my ram-a-lam-a-ding dong?
Who stood the wood
Where I poop-she-poop-she-poop?
Who put the stick
Up my hipty-dipty-dip?

Who was that man?
He shoved it up my can
And left me stranded on this Christmas tree. (Yeah ...)

When this angel heard
Chop-ba-ba-bop, di-chop-ba-ba-bop,
A dreadful fear went right into my heart.
Those pine tree needles sting me,
Ram-a-jam-a-ram-a-jammin' in my ding dong.
You'll never know how much that smarts. (Hooah ...)

So who put the stump
In my rump-ba-bump-ba-bump?
Who took and jammed it
In my ram-a-lam-a-ding dong?
Who stood the wood
Where I poop-she-poop-she-poop?
Who put the stick
Up my hipty-dipty-dip?

Who took that bush
And crammed it in my tush?
He made this angel beg for mercy, please. (Yow ...)

Each night when I'm alone,
Scratchity scratchity scratchity scratchity
Scratchity scratchity shoop ...
It sets my tiny bottom all aglow.
And every time I wiggle,
Slipty-din-de-din, slipty-din-de-din,
A little further in it goes. (Ohhh/Yeah ...)

(Rump-ba-bump-ba-bump
Ram-a-lam-a ding dong
Slipty-din-de-din
Poopity poopity shoop ...)


There are plenty of Christmas parodies there, such as:

Yellow Snow! Yellow Snow! Yellow Snow! (tune of "Let It Snow")
I'm Dreamin' of a White Trash Christmas ("White Christmas")
I'll Be Stoned For Christmas ("Home For Christmas)
Wreck the Malls ("Deck the Halls")
Walkin' Around in Women's Underwear ("Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree")

1551

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

The 1st Annual Viagra Games

Viagra is accepting applications
for its first annual Viagra Games.

Get a head start
Practice now!
_________________________________



Randolph


Randolph the short-hosed senior had a very flaccid hose,
And it you ever saw it, you would say it never rose.

All of the single ladies used to laugh and call it names,
They never let poor Randolph join in any bedroom games.

Then one horny Christmas Eve, the druggist came to say,
"Randolph with your hose so low, Viagra will make it grow.

Then how the ladies loved him, and the shouted out with glee,
"Randolph the long hosed senior, you're gonna go down on me."

_________________________________

Not Another "Night Before Christmas" Ripoff!

T'was the month before Christmas when all through our land,
Not a Christian was praying nor taking a stand.

The politically correct police had taken away,
The reason for Christmas - no one could say.
The children were told by their schools not to sing,
About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.

It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say
December 25th is just a " Holiday ".
Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit
Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!

CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod
Something was changing, something quite odd!
Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa
In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.

As Targets were hanging their trees upside down
At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.
At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears
You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.

Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-is-ty
Are words that were used to intimidate me.
Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen
On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton!

At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter
To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.
And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith
Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace

The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded
The reason for the season, stopped before it started.
So as you celebrate "Winter Break" under your "Dream Tree"
Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.

Choose your words carefully, choose what you say
Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS, not Happy Holiday!

------------------------------------------

If this year someone preaches to you their PC crap
Don't call them a ball buster.
Keep the holiday cheer and call them a ...

1550

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Bells on Bailouts Ring...

...Making Company Spirits Bright


Now that Obama has picked his cabinet, I wonder how long it'll be before he starts to wonder if he might have made a mistake ...





With the exception of the late night talk show hosts and editorial cartoonists, during the Democratic primaries it was darn near impossible to find good funny Barack Obama jokes! Of course, if you chose to use them you faced charges of being labeled a racist. As far as I am now and was concerned then, any and every politician is fair game regardless of race.

Now that Barack Obama has been elected - all bets are off!

Hi-Ho!

One day Snow White sent the dwarfs into the mine to give the miners their lunch.

Tragically there was an earthquake and the mine caved in. Rescue crews worked for hours drilling in attempt to locate any survivors. Finally they broke through into an open mine shaft.

Snow White shouted into the hole, "YOO HOO?" and immediately a response came: " Vote for Barack Obama! "

Snow White said with delight, "Thank Goodness. At least Dopey is alive!"
The NEW Colossus


Do You Know As Much As An 8th Grader?

Barack Obama was seated next to an eighth-grade girl on an airplane trip back to Washington. He turned to her and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to The Obama, “What would you like to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the Obama. “How about What Changes I Should Make To America?” and he smiles.

“OK,” she says. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it for a second and finally says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don’t know shit?”


1549

Monday, December 08, 2008

The Strange Story of Mr. Black and Ms Gray (4)

Part 4 of an original tale that delves into the unexplored realms of the human mind. Hired by her lover to find a raven haired beauty, Benjamin Bering must avoid the local police as well as the agents of a nonexistent government agency who are after him and the woman. There are just two problems. The woman is in a coma and her body has been stolen. (Part 1 can be found HERE.)


Jack and Jill

I lined up the two shot glasses in the best strategic location on the bar in front of me. The first receptacle containing Jack Daniels was six inches from my right hand, and the other topped with Crown Royal was ready to be grabbed by my left.

The concoction was of my own creation. I had invented it two summers ago when my wife and I were going through that knock-down drag-out divorce. Ever since, it has become my crutch for whenever I am having trouble dealing with life and all of its detours. That particular night was a night replete with detours and roadblocks. So it was that I found myself bivouacked at Foley's.

There is a certain savoire-faire one needs to partake of that libation. With even fluid motions the shot of Jack Daniels must be emptied into the mouth with one's head tilted back without swallowing until the shot of Crown Royal is added. I can only describe it as gargling molten lava. The path of the fire is felt as the liquid courses down the gullet and into the stomach. Finally there is a detonation - the anti-matter of the booze coming in contact with matter that lie in the stomach.
For obvious reasons, I had originally called the drink an Atom Bomb. However, it was Jake the bartender who gave it its current name after observing me down three of the things in a span of five minutes. A woman about my age and somewhat attractive had been sitting across the bar from where I was parked. My impression of her was that she'd not only been around the block a few times, but her odometer had rolled over too. It was she who had paid for the third one.

I had saluted her and downed the drink in a hasty but seamless motion. By the time the fire was burning below she was standing next to me. I cannot remember her name or anything we might have said to each other, and if not for Jake I would've never known what transpired between us that night.

Before the night was over I would unwittingly author my own anecdote, and as long as Jake poured the drinks at Foley's, the story would become one of legendary status. I was never one for fast dancing, but apparently my would-be paramour had been very persuasive. According to Jake I was as limber as a scarecrow that had fallen from its post. The second verse of the song blaring on the jukebox had just started when I stepped on her foot. When I lost my balance and fell forward I took the woman with me, the two of us ending up on the floor in a heap of flailing arms and legs.

A couple of months later when I felt I needed to drown my sorrows, I returned to the 'scene of the crime' and ordered an Atom Bomb. Jake laughed and told me that he had renamed the drink as a Jack and Jill. In reaction to the quizzical look on my face he reminded me of the incident on the dance floor.

"Remember that nursery rhyme?" he asked me. "Jack and Jill went up the hill, right? Then Jack fell down and Jill came tumbling after...?" He was trying hard not laugh, the memory of incident vivid to him. "Well, that's what you two on the floor that night reminded me of ...So I christened your drink 'Jack and Jill.' You get it don't you?"
I sighed and shook my head. That was two years ago. I didn't find it funny then and I still didn't. In the batting of an eyelash I placed the empty shot glasses on the bar and nodded to Jake for another.

I kept replaying every little detail of what had happened less than an hour earlier. My story, my byline ... gone! Michael Black had been right. They would stop at nothing to prevent any knowledge of their experiments and discoveries becoming public. I shook my head, they certainly weren't about to let the Constitution of the United States of America get in their way - freedom of the press and freedom of speech be damned.


The Rarefied Air of High Places

I heard my name somewhere in the distance. "Ben? Ben! Are you still with us?"

"Huh? Oh yeah. Sorry, I was just reflecting on something that happened a while back." I wasn't about to tell him the story of my last experience with pornography of any kind. Once, before my wife and I were divorced, I had brought home a XXX video I'd rented. I had been hoping that it would help to spice up our bedroom activities in both intensity and frequency. What a mistake that had been! She'd gone ballistic on me. She'd even accused me of getting the idea from the sluts I had been sleeping around with when I was supposed to be working.

"Are you ready for the steamy stuff, as you so succinctly referred to it?"

My face as flushed as I answered, "Uh .. Yes. I didn't mean to sound so ... so sophomoric with my comment."

"No problem, Ben. If our positions were reversed and I were in your shoes, I'd have probably said something to the same effect."

The images on the screen were in living color and were considerably sharper than the black & white VHS productions I'd seen earlier due to the high resolution of the digital recording. Michael and Michelle could be seen in the foreground of a much larger facility than the one they'd occupied previously. They were checking the connections on a pair of headphone-like devices.

"While they are setting up the experiment, allow me to bring you up to date. By this time, not only had we received a grant to continue our work but a mysterious benefactor had started pumping money into our project. We were allowed to move into a larger lab and our original equipment had been replaced with high-tech gear, all of it state-of-the-art."

"Mysterious benefactor?" I queried.

Michael nodded, "We didn't learn until later that not only did this man have connections in high places, he was at or near the top of those certain high places." He pressed a button on the remote freezing the pair on the screen.

"I've learned in my line of work that "high places" usually equates to Washington, D.C.," I said. "I'd guess your experiments caught the attention of someone there. I'll pull a Shirley McClain here and go out on a limb and suggest that this someone saw benefits in your research not envisioned by the two of you." I paused for a moment and saw in Michael's face that my conjecture was right on. "That limb might snap, but I'd dare say that a group of someones got together and discussed the possible military applications of your work."

"I like the way you think out the box, Ben. If only Michael and I ... uh ... If only we had had such foresight," he said and abruptly turned his head away as his right hand was raised to his face.

There was ... something about his response but I let the thought pass. If I hadn't known any better, I would've sworn that my host was wiping away a tear. I cleared my throat and asked, "How long was it before you began to notice unfamiliar faces around the lab?"

"Almost immediately," he answered, "the day the lab was set up and we were ready to go."

"...And from then on you and your work were heavily monitored?"

"Well, yes. We couldn't even go the restrooms without being watched. Now that you mention it, I always had the feeling we were being followed whenever we left the building. Several times I thought a car was following me when I dropped Michelle off at her apartment building. It even appeared that another car was tailing me on the way to my own home. I thought my imagination was getting away from me."

I interlaced my fingers behind my head and looked up at the ceiling. I turned and faced him, "Two questions. This is not the same place you were calling home then, is it? The e-mail to my office, was it sent from here?"

There was a perplexed look to his countenance as he answered, "No, to the first question. I didn't feel safe there. As for your second question, I sent the e-mail from one of those coffee/cyber cafes over on Newberry Street."

I lowered my arms and pounded my right fist into the palm of the opposite hand. The suddenness and the force of my action seemed to startle Mr. Black. I jumped to my feet and walked around the large television. I pointed a finger at him and raised my voice a few decibels, "You've been so careful to keep your location a secret, what with the twenty-mile cab and truck rides to deliver me here, to a building not quite three blocks away from where I was sitting, reading your e-mail!" I drew in my breath hard and exhaled in a slow release of tensions. "You're not Michael Black, are you? If you were, then you wouldn't have been so damned stupid as have your real name on the call panel downstairs!"

He shook his head and whispered in response, "No. I'm not Michael Black."

I ran my fingers through my uncombed hair and let loose once more, "You do know that those who exist in that rarefied air of high places have unlimited resources, don't you?" I observed his nod and continued with my tirade. "You sent that e-mail from Newberry Street which I'd estimate it to be seven or eight blocks from here. Seven or eight blocks is a postage stamp to those GPS spy satellites that our government insists do not exist. As for your e-mail from Michelle, it will be tracked down eventually, if not already. Sure, they were deleted - but with the flash of a badge or an official ID, the ISP will be able to recover it with no questions asked."

His head was buried in his hands while he spoke, "I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. I was so desperate. I thought I'd planned everything so carefully. I hired a couple of NU students, Susan and a friend she'd enlisted ... I never heard his name. He hot-wired the pickup truck for her to drive. He did the same thing to obtain the taxi cab he used to take you up on Route 1."

I eased my demeanor, "Honestly, your plans were well thought out and executed almost flawlessly. I assume that the cell phone must have been registered to a bogus account." His nod confirmed that. "Instead of using e-mail, I would've had one of your students leave a note disguised as an advertisement flier on my windshield under the wiper."

He stood up and faced me, "As for my true identity ..."

I shook a finger and responded, "Never mind. For the sake of argument and as far as I am concerned, you are Michael Black, for now."

I moved back to the sofa and sat down. I motioned for him to take a seat. I studied him for a moment as he made himself comfortable. If the government lurking in shadows wasn't bad enough, there was something else at stake. There was something else powering his resolve.

"Mr. Black, I think some of the answers I want are on that disc in that player. I think it's time that I had a look at that steamy stuff!

(To be continued in part 5 Friday 12/12 The Steamy Stuff.)

1548

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Weaving a Tangled Web

Saturday POODLE DOODLES

He Got It



Today's the day I usually try to get into the Christmas spirit, the first Saturday of December. The weatherman says we might get some snow tomorrow. There is only a dusting to an inch expected in our area, and if he's correct that will be enough for me. Perhaps a dash of that white stuff will aid in that quest to feel the merriment of the season.

This afternoon's activities included that annual trek up the Matterhorn, figuratively speaking that is. The trek was actually that hike up into the attic, which first required the removal of debris lining each step of the narrow stairway. That debris, not unlike the piles of both similar and differing objects up beyond the last riser, is bits and pieces of my life, our life.

When first observed the two rooms of the attic appear cluttered and unorganized. Cluttered they are, but there is a semblance of organization known to only myself. I hadn't been up there since last January when the decorations of last Christmas were returned there. Amid the boxes and bags lie wrapping paper, bows, packages of gift tags, etc., all purchased for some Christmas somewhen.

There is probably enough wrapping paper up there to cover gifts for all my remaining Christmases. Yet, each year we purchase more of it as we have done in the years before that and will no doubt do so again this year. I made note to haul some of it downstairs this year, if for no other reason than perhaps in some small part save a stand of trees somewhere.

Today however, my goal was to retrieve only one thing - the Christmas tree. As for the other decorations, especially those that will occupy the exterior of our house, they will have to wait until tomorrow. In our house, the holiday season isn't truly here until the tree is standing.

We no longer trim a real tree for Christmas. We haven't for a long time, and I can't rightly remember the last time we did not use an artificial tree. For the last five years or so we have put up a fiber optic tree which puts on a display of constantly changing light and colors. From the box, the two sections put together onto the stand, the power cord connected and plugged in and the power switched on, barely five minutes transpire.

With the exception of the angel topper, which is also fiber optic, very little in the way of decorations is required for the tree. With four-thousand points of lights from its lower branches to the top, snow frosted branches and several fake holly leaves and red berries scattered about the tree, it appears decorated as it even in the daylight. We will, however, hang a few sentimental pieces on its branches.

It might not have anything to do with Christmas,
Here's an image of a British post card I found.



Tomorrow's task of putting up the lights to illuminate the outside of the house reminded me of the following from my December '06 archives:




Oh, the tangled web we weave...

we that weave tangled Christmas lights.


As if you didn't know, what happens when I start musing? Why I find the inspiration to parody a Christmas song, of course!


Tangled Lights
(Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)

Thrashing through the box
For a working set of lights
I could smash em with rocks
Cursing with all my might.
Lights on tangled strings
I tug, pull and I jerk
What hell it is to find one thing
That maybe just might work.

~(chorus:)~
Tangled lights, tangled lights,
Tangled in every way,
Oh how I'd like to find
One working set to display.
O,Tangled lights, tangled lights,
Tangled in every way,
Oh what fun it is to find
Just one that works today.

An hour or so ago
I thought I'd write a blog
And soon Miss Cellania might
Add a link to her site.
The words are mean and rank
The torture seemed my lot,
Blew a fuse, my poor heart sank
I need some booze and some pot.

~(chorus:)~
Now the lights are aglow
Come see 'em if you will,
I'll charge admission so
I can pay the electric bill.
Next year I think I'll buy
A set,two or three or four
I'll put them up in July
And take them down nevermore!

~(chorus:)~


1547

Friday, December 05, 2008

The Strange Story of Mr. Black and Ms Gray (3)

Part 3 of an original tale that delves into the unexplored realms of the human mind. Hired by her lover to find a raven haired beauty, Benjamin Bering must avoid the local police as well as the agents of a nonexistent government agency who are after him and the woman. There are just two problems. The woman is in a coma and her body has been stolen. (Part 1 can be found HERE.)


The Most Curious Mr. Black

I was not surprised to find that Michael Black resided on the uppermost floor. I pressed the button next to his name and was greeted by the same voice I had heard earlier on the recorded phone message, "Thank you for coming and for your patience, Mr. Bering. Please come on up."

The elevator creaked and trembled in response to the cables slapping against the car in its ascent to the eleventh floor. It was an elevator I would not have imagined to have found in a posh downtown apartment building.

The elevator lurched to a stop and bounced as if it were suspended on large rubber bands instead of steel cables. I stepped out into a large darkened hallway. Save those on the elevator behind me there was but only one other door visible at the end of the hall. As I approached the portal there was the distinct sound of an electric relay being tripped and the door swung open.

I stood for a moment inside the thresh hold, not certain whether I should close it or wait for it close on its own. On cue, a hidden circuit clicked and the door began to close. Moments later the mechanisms involved appeared to have not only locked the door outside but on the inside as well. It was disconcerting to think that I would not be able to leave unless my host so deemed.

If I'd thought before that my host might be some rich eccentric, by that time I was convinced. I turned and entered into a large living room. The center of the room was dominated by a six-foot television screen. It stood before a leather sectional couch strategically arranged in a half circle for obvious optimum viewing angles. To the left was an enormous row of shelves which sported a veritable library.

Before I had a chance to further study my surroundings his voice from a darkened corner startled me. "Please have a seat, Mr. Bering. Make yourself comfortable on the sofa before you."

Once seated I strained to see the barely perceptible figure who remained hidden. "Aren't you going to join me, Mister ... ah ... Black?"

"In due time, Mr. Bering. In due time," he replied. "Before we are face to face, however, there are a few formalities I'd like to run by you. After that I will give you a preliminary preview of why we contacted you."

"We?" I asked. "By we, I assume you mean you and ... Michelle Gray?"

"That is correct. I will get to Ms Gray directly," he answered sternly, thus assuring me that he was going to be directing the interview. There was a click of a cigarette lighter and its light allowed me to briefly make out the features of the lower half of his face as he lit a cigarette. Then he was bathed in shadows once again.

As a courteous acknowledgment of his wish for control I said with a measure of sarcasm, "As you wish. You have a captive audience."

"Ahem," he began, "First of all, let us drop the cloak of needless formality. As you no doubt noted from my name on the call panel in the garage, my name is Michael Black. You are free to address me as either Michael or Mike. As for any background information about myself, that shall not be revealed at this time for reasons that will become apparent later." He was still for a moment and then added, "Do you have a problem with that, Mr. Bering?"

I shook my head, "No, I guess not. You would not have gone to such secretive lengths to gain my audience only to then reveal yourself before feeling certain that I can be trusted."

"Very good. Now let's see, your name is Benjamin B. Bering. What, if I may, does the "B" signify?"

"Ball," I replied hesitantly, "my middle name is Ball, after my grand mother on my mother's side."

"Ball? Ball Bering?" he mused. "I can see why you would prefer to use the middle initial." He must have seen the grimace on my face. "I'll not go there, Ben. Or would you prefer Benjamin?"

"Ben is fine."

"I don't wish to embarrass you further, but I can guess that there was another nickname that you hated, especially during your school ages. Am I correct?"

He must have been watching me as my head turned in his direction and I nodded slowly. "That you are. That name got me into a lot of fights back then. I take it that you are familiar then with that Hannah-Barberra cartoon show, Top Cat?"

"Indeed I am. TC's little companion, Bennie the Ball, was my favorite character on the program."

"It figures," I mumbled. "I thought I'd heard the last of that name many years ago."

"You'll hear of it no more from me, Ben," my host promised.

The large television screen suddenly came to life. There was fuzzy snow and the scratchy sound of static emanating from the set.

"Ben, in about fifteen minutes you are going to be seeing a couple engaged in some rather graphic sexual activity. It will be understandable if you find the images to be pornographic." He stepped for the first time out of the dark corner. "The couple performing those acts will be ... are in fact myself and Michelle."

Stunned I snapped at him, "You brought me here review your x-rated home movies? What are the both of you ... perverts?"

He smiled, but there was a serious look upon his countenance. "It is not the fornication I want you to see, although it cannot be avoided. It is what will and does take place during and after the sexual interplay. As you will see, and I hope you will realize, the intercourse was a necessary part of our experiments."

"Really, Mr. Black? Experiments as in ... ah ... Masters and Johnson?"

"Again I reiterate, the sexual act was a necessary means to achieve an end," he said. He sat down at the end of the sofa and lit another cigarette. He exhaled and looked me in the eyes, "That end," he paused for another drag from the cigarette, "That end was achieved. Our experiment and our research was a success."

I sat up and leaned forward, "What success? A mutual climax?"

He abruptly rose from the sofa and walked around the large television. He placed his arm and elbow on top of the set and rested his chin in his hand. He stared at me for several moments before speaking, "Ben, I really need you to watch the tape. It's very important that you understand what has happened to us." He took a deep breath and stood up straight and exclaimed, "You see, for me ... And for Michelle ... It's a matter of life and death!"


Showtime

He extended the remote and pushed a button. A grainy black and white panoramic scan of a laboratory appeared on the screen. The walls and bench surfaces were dominated by all sorts of sophisticated electronic equipment, none of which I would venture a guess as to their purposes. Miles of tangled wiring snaked along the walls and the floor.

A door opened at the left of the image. A young man, obviously a younger version of my host, entered the room carrying a box overflowing with wires. He sat the box down and pressed a button on the wall. A door to the right swung open. A young woman stepped into the lab cradling a small dog in her arms. I surmised that she must be the other half of the team, Michelle Gray. The image froze on the screen.

"You'll have to excuse the quality of the tape. It was filmed using a VHS video camera. The scene you are watching took place six years ago in small lab at Northeastern University. We were given use of the lab for one year as undergraduates to conduct experiments based on brainwave activity." He paused to light another cigarette before continuing. "The director of the Science department was impressed with the limited but favorable results we'd been having."

"The first tape you will see was recorded during the early phases of our experiments." He raised the remote and there was movement on the screen as the tape began to play again. While the woman held onto the dog to keep it still the man attached small electrodes to several shaven areas on the dog's head. If this was uncomfortable to the animal, its only response was to lick her face. She then stretched and slipped a strip of black cloth over its eyes as a blindfold.

While the man was reaching into the box he'd carried into the lab earlier, the woman pressed a button on a tape recorder and spoke into a microphone attached to her lab coat, "January 14, 1998, Test 4A, Sensory Perception: Smell and Taste."

Michael produced a curious device with dozens of wires attached to it. He then methodically began inserting the lead ends of the wires into color-coded jacks on the face of an impressive piece of equipment. The remaining wires were connected to the ends of the wires connected to the dog.

After checking and double-checking the connections he placed the wired assemblage from the box onto his own head. The device covered his ears and the back of his head. The object resembled headphones with the exception of a dark triangular piece of glass which he swiveled into position over his left eyebrow. He nodded to Michelle and then flipped the glass down until it covered his eye.

She reached across the bench and flipped a switch. A series of lights began to blink in a trailing pattern on the equipment into which the wires had been connected. She toggled another switch. A pair of circular screens resembling an osciloscope came to life. Her finger touched a third switch and still more blinking lights could be seen, this time on diodes of the device on the man's head as well those on the head of the small canine.

Michelle turned on the recorder and spoke, "Smell and taste object number one ... onion." She removed an onion from a small basket and held it in front of the dog's nose. The animal immediately turned its head away from the pungent vegetable. The man reacted in the same manner, jerking his head to the side at the same moment the dog had done so.

"Hold it!" I exclaimed. "You could see the onion and you heard her name it."

He paused the film and nodded, "Right you are, Ben. We quickly made that same observation. Our experiments were set back three days while we constructed an isolation booth. For our tests to be valid, I had to be unable to see or hear Michelle and our test subject. When the booth was completed we had to outfit it with a separate video camera synchronized with the first one. With the help of one the computer geeks on campus we programmed the images to be recorded in a split-screen format. For good measure, we had the dates and times superimposed on the two videos."

Lost in thought for a few moments I found myself playing that silly game with my thumbs. I pulled my interlaced fingers apart and stood up. I glanced at him from the corner of my eye and said, "I'm going to take a leap of faith now. You successfully managed to get into that dog's brain and you were able to smell and taste the same onion ... while in a different room?"

Michael shrugged and nodded at the same time in response to my query. "Yes and no. I cannot honestly say that I could actually smell or taste the onion. However, I was able to feel or sense that the dog did not like or want the onion near his nose. What I did sense were the electrical charges of the synapses within its brain in reaction to its olfactory senses. Via the wires connecting me and the dog, the synapses in my own brain reacted as if the onion had been placed under my own nose!"

I had to admit that the results of their experiments were impressive, but I failed to see why I was brought there. It seemed to me that they would have been better served publishing their findings in a Journal of Medicine as opposed to a newspaper.

He rose from the set and ejected the tape from the VCR. He then activated a DVD player and inserted a disc into the drawer. "I'll spare you the drama of the next two hundred hours of video. Those tapes show much of what you observed in the last one. Our tests had proved conclusive enough that we felt it was time to move onto the next phase. The brains of most animals do not form actual thoughts but rather function more on primal instincts."

"So you moved on to a more advanced brain ... The human brain," I interrupted.

Michael grinned and replied, "Yes. We turned our efforts to the most highly developed brain on earth, our own." He returned to the other end of the sofa and said, "Again, I will skip many hours of our recorded tests. We had reached the point where the best results were achieved while monitoring the strongest emotional reactions within the brain, like fear, hate, laughter, love and pain ... and of course sexual desires and releases."

The disc began to spin within the DVD player. Out of character I grinned sheepishly and said, "Now we get to the steamy stuff!"

(To be continued Monday 12/8 in part 4: Jack and Jill.)

1546

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Having a Ball (of Confusion)

A preview of Barack Obama's Inaugural Ball.


Miracle Worker

Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's blonde hair and the horse's rear end. I was able to put them together and now she's a former senator from New York who just got appointed the Secretary of State."

The Reason We're in a Recession

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?" So to the back fence they all went.

First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, "$2,700."

The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," he said. "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Texas."

Gettysburg Affair

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink.

As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeeper.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

Sex is like a Roller Coaster

It goes like this - you get it on with your partner. There is anxious anticipation as you start. You start slowly, climbing your way to the top.

There are smiles exchanged, and giggles, maybe even caressing or hand holding. The excitement builds and builds. It nears the top. The expressions on faces become wondrous and excited. Then as it hits the pinnacle, things move very fast. There's a quick motion, the heart races with complete excitement; faces are all in total pleasure. Arms are flailing, heads are bouncing, and there is some noticeable screaming going on.

The rest of the ride is up and down, twisting and turning, lots of bumping, sometimes in the light, sometimes in the dark, sometimes there's a surprise, and sometimes it becomes all too familiar but always...always...at the end, there's a big smile on the face, hair is all messed up and everyone is talking about how great it is while some of them say, "I wanna go again"...

The Staff Of Life

Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging a loaf of bread in one hand, and the other hand in his pants pocket.

Along comes Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny."

He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?"

Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."

Mountain Men

Two fur trappers are sitting by a camp fire somewhere in the wilderness of the Rocky Mountains.

The first one says to the other, "What do you want to do tomorrow?"

"I don't know. You have any ideas?" replied the second.

"I was thinking maybe we could go beaver hunting."

"Nah!" exclaimed the first, "I don't like the nightclub scene."

1545

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

I'm Dreamin' of a White House

Obama's White House Changes


Following the announcements of his choices for his official staff, President-Elect Barack Obama today announced plans for architectural changes to the White House.

Pictured below is an artist's rendition of Obama's suggested changes to the exterior of the 1600 Pennsylvania Ave address.



Tit(s) For Tat(toos)

(Click on image to enlarge.)


Blowing Money

A guy goes to the tattoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his Willie. The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this.

The man replies, " I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now".

So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his penis. So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tattoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his Willie.

So, the man consents and offers these four reasons:

"First, I like to play with my money.
Second, I like to watch my money grow.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand;
And fourth, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it."

1544

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

In a Biblical Sense

(Never give me a picture and let me run with it.)


Goliath: Davey, that's a Bible lesson?

Davey: Of course it is!

Goliath: Our neighbor undressing is a Bible lesson?

Davey: It's one of the 10 Commandments.

Goliath: It is? Which Commandment?

Davey: Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor.

Goliath: Are you coveting our neighbor?

Davey: I'm think I'm starting to.

Goliath: How did she get into a Bible lesson?

Davey: My friend Jimmy set up a cam in her bathroom.

Goliath: Honor thy mother and father, eh?

Davey: Golly. She took off her blouse!

Goliath: Davey, how come the laptop is tilting?

Davey: Because I'm starting to covet even more.

Goliath: Woof-woof! She took off her pants!

Davey: Gosh! She's only got on her bra and panties!

Goliath: Hold the laptop straight. The picture is bouncing.

Davey: I can't help it. I've never coveted like this before.

Goliath: Davey. Look! She's taking her bra off!

Davey: If Jimmy's father was there, he'd be "Sherman on the Mount."

Goliath: Sherman on the Mount? I don't get it.

Davey: Jimmy's father's name is Sherman.

Goliath: Maybe we can be Davey and Goliath on the Mount.

Davey: Look who's coveting now!

Goliath: Heh-heh. So I am. So I am.

Davey: Oh my. She's removing her panties now!

Goliath: Hey! The laptop slid off your lap.

Davey: My coveting is getting in the way.

Goliath:Why are you unzipping your fly?

Davey: From the Bible. Spare the rod and spoil the child.

Goliath: Excuse me. I gotta lick myself.

Davey: I wish I could do that!

Goliath: I wish I could make a fist and do what you're doing.

Davey: Oh wow. She's standing there with nothing at all on.

Goliath: Say ... Davey ... Your leg is looking good.

Davey: Say ... Goliath. There's a tick on your tail. Turn around.

Goliath: Hey! What are you doing? Thou shalt not covet your dog's ass!


(I'm wearing rubber and staying away from trees tomorrow.)

1543

Monday, December 01, 2008

The Strange Story of Mr. Black and Ms Gray (2)

Part 2 of an original tale that delves into the unexplored realms of the human mind. Hired by her lover to find a raven haired beauty, Benjamin Bering must avoid the local police as well as the agents of a nonexistent government agency who are after him and the woman. There are just two problems. The woman is in a coma and her body has been stolen. (Part 1 can be found HERE.)


Further Instructions

I tapped the driver on the shoulder with the phone but he made no attempt to take it. I shrugged and tossed it on the seat next to me. On cue I felt the cab's motion bearing to the right. The bright lights illuminating two banks of gasoline pumps appeared through the front windshield. The driver shifted into park and began drumming his fingers upon the steering wheel. No doubt that was my signal to leave the cab.

I stepped out into the cool brisk evening night. I was stretching my legs and arms when I heard tapping on the window of the cab. When I turned the driver's hand was extended from the partially open side window holding the cell phone. The moment my fingers closed on it the window was closing.

The headlights of the cab began to blink several times between the low and high beams. I turned in time to see another set of lights mimicking the act. There was a vehicle hidden in the dark next to the back of the station. The same moment that the cab pulled away an old pickup truck lurched forward from the shadows.

It came to a stop a foot or so from where I stood. The passenger side door swung open. A soft female voice inquired, "Mr. Bering?" I peered inside and was surprised to see a pretty young woman, probably in her mid-twenties seated behind the wheel. She smiled, patted the seat next to her and said, "Hop in, Mr. Bering."

I had just settled myself in the passenger seat when she tapped my arm and held open her hand. "Yes?" I stammered.

"Phone?" she said. "I believe you are supposed to be giving me a phone?" I placed it into her hand.

Her long nails tapped a few buttons and she held the phone to her ear. It became apparent that she was listening to a recorded message, because she acknowledged the words but did not speak. She then disconnected the call and tossed the cell phone onto the dashboard.

"Buckle up, Mr. Bering," she said. "I've been instructed to drive you into downtown Boston." She shifted out of park and eased down on the accelerator.

"Boston?" I said incredulously. "That cab just drove me here from Boston."

"I don't know about that. All I know is that I was paid to take you into Boston and to use a specified route," she replied.

"...And you have already been paid too?" I asked glancing at her. "Not that it's any of my business..."

She reached into the vee of her pullover sweater and produced some folded bills. She shrugged and said, "Five hundred big ones. I would've driven you to downtown Manhattan for that kind of money." She returned the money into her cleavage. She looked at me for a moment and added, "...And I didn't ask any questions."

Crinkum-crankum

She pulled out onto Route 1 and proceeded north. I turned my attention from the lovely young woman and surveyed the road ahead. I wondered why she hadn't taken one of the two exit ramps we had passed. Either one would have put us onto an overpass that would've placed us on the southbound side of the highway.

Route 1, as it passes through Saugus and Lynnfield, is a busy and vital artery connecting Boston with several North Shore communities, as well as the states of New Hampshire and Maine. It is lined on both sides with countless retail establishments running the gamut from gas stations to malls, office complexes, and a myriad of restaurants and bars.

One of the more prominent landmarks, the Hilltop Steakhouse appeared on the opposite side of the median strip. The massive green cactus bearing its sign towered some thirty feet above a herd of realistic but faux cattle. In that instant I was reminded that I had not eaten since an eight-thirty breakfast that morning.

When we passed a third exit I said to her, "Seeing as Boston is south of our present location, shouldn't you be heading in the other direction?"

She kept her eyes on the road but responded again with a shrug, "My instructions were to take a specified route, Mr. Bering. I am to drop you off at the designated address at precisely 12:30 am."

I frowned and perhaps for the benefit of both of us I muttered, "I suppose we might be ... followed?"

She glanced at me and replied, "You think?" She was quite for a moment as she maneuvered into the right lane. "I have to admit that the route I was given over the phone is rather crinkum-crankum."

"Crinkum-crankum?" I echoed.

She cleared her throat and said, "It's an archaic term. It is thought that it was once used to describe the plot of a mystery novel, particularly one containing many twists and turns."

"It sounds like my evening, ever since I opened that e-mail," I said.

Moments later she turned left onto 129, a winding road which led into the small town of Wakefield. After a while when we passed through Melrose into Stoneham, I could see that we were indeed working our way, albeit in a long roundabout path, in the general direction of Boston.

Twice I tried to strike up a conversation, if for no other reason than as an excuse to gaze upon the nubile form outlined by her tight jeans and top. Her responses were pleasant enough but terse, suggesting that she had either no desire to engage in idle chatter, or that she had been instructed to avoid it.

I could see that we were then on a familiar stretch of the Fellsway East. That stretch of road was also called the Jerry Jingle Highway, affectionately named for an ice cream stand that once stood at the junction of Wyoming and the Fellsway in the city of Melrose. We were about ten miles from downtown Boston.

By the time we had traversed in turn through Malden, Medford, Somerville and Cambridge we were approaching Government Center. Scollay Square, as it was once known as, lie on the outer fringes of Boston's Financial District.

Ten minutes later she pulled over next a curb and threw the transmission into park. She glanced at her watch and smiling she said, "12:30 am on the dot!"

I barely heard her words. I was staring in disbelief at our surroundings. We were not two blocks from where the trek had begun, my office building clearly visible to my left.

She reached across my chest wielding a remote device. When she pressed one its buttons a garage door to our right began to open, light from inside the garage spilling onto the sidewalk. She handed the object to me and said, "Just inside the garage you will see an elevator. Next to it is a bank of call buttons to the apartments above the garage. Press the one marked Michael Black. Oh, and use the remote to close the garage door behind you."

Standing outside of the truck I bent forward before closing the door and said, "Thank you Miss ... ah ... I didn't catch your name." She was looking straight ahead and didn't reply. "Anyway, thank you for the pleasant scenic and 'crinkum-crankum' tour of the North Shore," I added and closed the door.

I turned and walked toward the lighted innards of the garage. I paused as she called out to me, "Mr. Bering. It's Susan." With that she drove away and disappeared around the corner some fifty feet from where I stood.

To be continued Friday 12/5, Part 3: The Most Curious Mr. Black".)

1542