I Miss You, Mom

Let Me Put It This Way

What can I do and what can I say
To honor the one who brought me onto this earth?
'Tis a shame there is but one day
To pay homage to you, my mother.
Mom, I think I'll put it this way
There is no one, no, not another
I would want to be responsible for my birth.
Irene Adkins Ashley - 1926-2000


No.1347

A Slap In the Face

Have you ever wanted to do more than utter a stream of expletives deleted at someone who leaves those anonymous spam messages on your comments page?

A new program lets you do just that. Functioning like an (IM) Instant Message, this program transmits an (IS) Instant Slap to the Spammer.

Of course, nothing says you have to limit your IS-es to Spammers. Do you know some "be-atches" and "be-astards" out there? Send them a slap!

A word of caution though, the "slapee" may have the program too and think nothing of returning the favor. This could turn ugly like a scene out those Three Stooges clips if you allow it to turn into a slap-fest.

Some might be into self-infliction and send an IS to themselves.

A rather disturbed programmer and game creator by the name of I.P. Freely wrote the original programs for this concept. Limited almost exclusively to adult sites, his first program was IP. This was especially disturbing to those who were not into "Golden Showers." Another program, IC, was banned on all but pay-for-view porn sites.

What will they think of next? How about "IK", as in Instant Kiss? Or "IPie", Instant Pie in the Face? Or IB, to flip an Instant Bird? There are many other possibilities, but I won't go there, instead leaving that to your vivid imaginations.

It only stands to reason that this technology will eventually find its way to our cell phones.

Playing Games
I'm sure many of you remember the arcade game Frogger.

You probably noticed the addition to my sidebar. (How could you miss it?) Sorry about the constant drone that sounds like a stuck recording, but I couldn't figure out how to disable the sound. (That is without muting my speakers.)

Anyway, the game is called Sheepish, and it plays like the aforementioned Frogger. Feel free to play the game if you wish. (Use the arrow keys on your keyboard to move the figure across the road.)

I'll probably change to a quieter game such as Poker, Black Jack or Tetris. Although there is a link on the game box itself, you too can add a game to your site at Obscene Caffeine.

For Mothers Day, here's a little something for the ladies .

This might be the one time that the smart thing to do is to say "Yes!" She'll get mad and lock herself in the bedroom. It'll give you time to run for the hills!

It Could Have Been Worse

There were four friends, one of them named Joe, who was an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say, "It could have been worse."
```His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with an idea for a story so terrible not even Joe would be able to come up with a bright side. So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for their golf date.
```"Where's Gary?" asked Joe.
```One of his friends said, "Didn't you hear? Yesterday Gary found his wife in bed with another man. He shot them both and then turned the gun on himself."
```Joe says, "Well' it could have been worse!"
```His friends are astonished and ask, "How in the hell could it be worse? You're best friend just killed himself!"
```Joe replies, "If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!"
-This joke was lifted from Phils Phun.

No.1346

Dem's Da Rules

KITCHEN SIGNS

..a must have for Mother's Day....

1. Dinner will be ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
3. If, we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
4. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
5. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
6. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
7. Help keep the kitchen clean --->>> eat out.
8. Housework done properly can kill you.
9. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
10. My next house will have no kitchen ----just vending machines.
11. Todays menu: Take it or leave it.
12. I don't care what they do in Europe, belching at the table is not a compliment.

----------------------------------------------------

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

-----------------------------------------------Blog Rule: Post Some Jokes

```Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.
```On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
```The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."
```Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
```The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."
```The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
```The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."
```The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
```He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the
box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

--------------------------------------------------------THE RAISE

Maria the maid asked for a raise.
```The wife was very upset about this and asked, "Maria, times are tough. I must make do with what my husband gives me. I'm not getting a raise. Tell me three reasons why you deserve a raise?"
```Maria replied, "Well Senora, the first is that I iron better than you."
```"Who said you iron better than me?" the wife asked.
```"Your husband said so."
```"I see," said the wife.
```"The second reason is that I'm a better cook than you."
```"Nonsense. Who said you were a better cook than me?"
```"Your husband did."
```"Oh."
```"My third reason is that I'm better in bed than you!"
```"Did my husband say that as well?" demanded the wife.
```"No Senora, the gardener said it."
Maria got the raise.

----------------------------The Rule: Laugh when there's a joke.

No.1345

This and That About This and That

In the News
Phallic Statue Vandalized
Did Bobbit Bob It?
Larena Bobbit was held for questioning after an ancient phallic statue was discovered mutilated this morning. Police are searching the area for the severed portion.

Speaking of Peckers...

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions.He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What's your occupation?"

"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

The accountant says, "Chicken Farmer it is!"

Who you gonna call?

Some people cannot take a hint. Most people know that it's over when the fat lady sings. So why is Hillary goosing the fat opera singer?









Hillary, don't you remember when your parents and teachers looked at you and said, "Sit down and shut up?"

I guess you must have taken a bullet or some shrapnel to the head when you and Chelsea were under fire, eh? Why would want another job you can't handle anyway? Didn't you marry Bubba to love him and to keep him out of trouble? How'd that work out for you?

Spreading Some Poop

A man was walking along when he spotted a small boy busily constructing something. He approached the boy and was shocked to see him playing with cow manure! For lack of anything better to say, he asked, "Little boy, what are you doing?"

The boy replied, "I am making Barack Obama with this manure, Mister."

Now thoroughly taken aback, the man asked, "Why are you making Barack Obama? Why not make, er, Hillary Clinton?"

The boy answered, "Oh no Mister, I can't make Hillary Clinton."

"But why not?" asked the man.

The boy replied "Well, Mister, there isn't enough here to make Hillary Clinton."

The first thing I'm going to do with my government rebate check is to buy some gasoline. Then I'll buy some food! If there's anything left, I think I'll put into a savings account.

Because I'll be needing the money for the week after that to buy some more gas and more food, the rebate check will really bail us out for the year and push us to the top of lists of elite.

Since our anniversary and Mother's Day are so close, we will celebrating them both on Sunday.

Since our daughter was born, it will be our 34th celebration of Mother's Day. Our anniversary (6th of May) this years marks our 36th year together.

Seeing that we have managed to co-exist for so long without killing each other is testimony to the fact that we have two television sets and two computers!

My prayers are offered to those mothers whose sons or daughters are serving our country in the Middle East.

No.1344

Insomni-Mac

Insomnia?
Do you lose sleep because you spend too much time on the computer? Does the caffeine in your coffee keep you awake?

Introducing
Mr. Computer
Are you unable to accomplish your online activities during normal hours because of a nagging significant other or your noisy demanding children?

Do you try to work at night after everyone has gone to bed but find yourself unable to stay awake? Now those unproductive nights are a thing of the past.

The fine people at Mr. Coffee and Macintosh have combined their resources to produce the innovative one-of-a-kind INSOMNI-MAC. This incredible state-of-the-art product combines the sophisticated technologies of a computer and a coffee maker all in one unit.

You will find yourself working all through the night without the annoying interruption of an empty coffee cup at your desk or work station. Why lose your train of thought while you run off to the kitchen to fill your cup? With the Insomni-Mac you need never leave your desk for your next java fix.

Think about it. The power of a Mac and a 10-cup coffee maker at arms length!

Now Insomni-Mac will sponsor some computer related humor.

Flower Power
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"

If AOL Was A City
1. You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.

2. You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.

3. Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.

4. The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.

5. The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.

6. The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.

7. If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really are important to us."

8. Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, "We're Sorry, This Store is Temporarily Unavailable"

9. Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back.

10. You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation.

11. You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up.

12. The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money.

No.1343

Hysterically Lyrically Getting Along

Sometimes you have to get to know someone really well to realize you're really strangers. ~Mary Tyler Moore

When writer's block sets in and the creative juices aren't flowing, I can always turn to that Relationship Triumvirate of Dating, Marriage and Sex. It is on those subjects that we know both everything and nothing!

In the war, there are rules of engagement. In relationships the rules are that there are no rules. Rules or no rules, an important key to the success of any relationship is communication.
| Marriage Seminar |
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it, honey?"

In relationships we have to avoid the traps, lest we find ourselves in a mine field. Communication can be fraught with those situations where there is no safe response.

The man in the cartoon at the right has pulled off a major coup - as long as she doesn't read the headlines.

| Respect |
Girl: "Will you still respect me in the morning?"
Male: "I don't respect you now."

Couples show always be honest and respect one another. Also, they should not say:

Something Stupid

And afterwards we drop into a quiet place
And have a drink or two
And then I go and spoil it all, by saying something stupid like
...Wanna screw?

| Picture In His Wallet |
A man and his wife had been married for several years. About two years into their marriage the husband began carrying a picture of Pam around in his wallet, something she had noticed but didn't comment on for several months. Every once in awhile she'd catch him looking at her photo and finally her curiosity got the best of her.

"I notice that several months ago you started carrying a photo of me with you. Why?" asked the wife.

The husband smiled at his wife stating, "whenever there is an overwhelming problem or stress in my life I simply pull out your picture, stare at it, and the problem or stress suddenly disappears."

"Wow!" responded his wife. "I have that strong of a miraculous influence on you?"

"Of course you do," he said. "I see your picture and say to myself, 'what greater problem in the world is there than this one?'"

| Yes, She Was A Blonde |
Rick and Dianne were madly in love and couldn't wait to get married. However, there was a slight problem. Rick didn't own a car and Dianne's car was getting old with more than 120,000 miles on it. Dianne told Rick she'd love to marry him, but needed to first sell her car and buy one with fewer miles on it in anticipation of starting a family.

So Dianne put her car up for sale, but no one wanted to buy it. This frustrated Rick, because he was one of those extremely rare men that was actually anxious to get married.

Finally, Rick told Dianne that he "knew someone" that could turn back the odometer of her car so that she could sell it. Dianne was hesitant, but finally agreed.

A few days later, Dianne called Rick with the exciting news.

"We can get married now!" she proclaimed.

Rick was ecstatic. "You sold the car?!" he asked.

"There's no need to," she excitedly responded. "Mine only has 50,000 miles on it now!"

| Guilt |
Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me", she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up sleeping with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see", nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter".

"No!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"

| What's His Name |
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"

"I can't remember, exactly...Peter Peter,something or other...."

(Want to laugh at the relationships of men and women living their lives in the days of pirates? Check out Thar's Piracy in Privacy.)

No.1342

Echoes of Eddie -19

Can a dead man reach out from the grave to exact revenge against those responsible for his death? Welcome to the nineteenth installment of a story that explores that possibility. If you've not done so, read the story from the beginning HERE.

She drew the shawl tight around her shoulders, shivering from a sudden gust of the cold December wind. As she watched Marjorie drive away, a feeling of dread crept over her. Her lower lip began to tremble.

Agnes Nolan knew that this day would come eventually, but yet there was no way she could've ever prepared herself for it. Marjorie was a woman now, no longer the little girl she'd been sheltering from the truth for so long. Would her daughter be able to handle the truth? She sighed heavily and stepped back into the house. She closed the door and caught a final glimpse of Marjorie's car disappearing beyond the bridge.

She picked up the coffee pot and poured some of the hot liquid into a cup. She was getting tired of playing the feeble game. What would everyone say and think if they knew she was actually in total control of her faculties, that there was no dementia - no Alzheimer's sickness? The charade, however had been necessary. It was the only way she knew that would allow her to keep the truth bottled up for so long within her.

The truth? She wished she could cry, but her tears had dried up on that terrible night ten years before. She wanted nothing more than to be able to cry for her dear Marjorie. She had prayed to God many times for her eyes to let loose tears for her daughter. It was upon them - that day when she would finally learn the truth - and cry she would.

It was when those tears would eventually stop flowing that Agnes feared the most. Marjorie's emotions would then shift to hate. Where would that hatred be directed, at she her mother, or at the father she'd never known? Would she be able to fathom the legacies of George Cooper and Samuel Nolan and how inexplicably they had affected the lives of so many? Then and only then, would she be able to show pity on the poor woman who lie comatose in a hospital bed?


Catherine looked upon her mother. Despite the tubes and wires connected to her, she looked peaceful. She'd heard that people in comas were sometimes aware of those around them. She gently squeezed her hand in hopes that there might be some response. There was none but she maintained the contact not wanting to let go, afraid to let go.

Jack had dropped her off at the hospital entrance. During the ride there from the house he hadn't spoken a word. His silence spoke volumes and it would probably be some time before he would talk to her again. Steven, on the other hand, had taken her revelation without displaying any signs of anger. If anything, because of his own anguish he had understood her plight.

She felt sorry for Jack. He was on his way to pick her up for that big meeting at the quarry. Both he and Tiffany were under the impression that everyone thought they were nothing more than just good friends. The two of them thought no one knew of their secret trysts. Well, she did. She'd confronted Tiffany one day.

She'd denied the extent of their relationship at first, but in the end had admitted the truth to Catherine. In time they'd become in Tiffany's eyes, friends. To Catherine it was more of a symbiotic friendship. It had kept her close enough to keep up to date with everyone who had been at the quarry that night. Also, she could keep a keen eye on Tiffany.

To Catherine ... Tiffany was a gold digger. Tiffany never did anything unless it was in her best interest. It was to her advantage to convince Hunter Jameson that he was the father of her baby. It was in her best interest, as well as it was for her unborn child, to give the baby Hunter's name. Jack and she were led to believe that Eddie Nolan was the father and that she'd discovered she was pregnant only after his death.

Once the two girls had developed their friendship, there came a day that Tiffany had finally confided openly to Catherine. The truth was that at the time, she'd wasn't sure who had fathered her son. She said it could just as easily have been Eddie or Hunter. Then she had dropped a bombshell on Catherine when she said that it might have even been her brother Jack! A few months later, after collecting some of Jack's hair and nail clippings, she gone for a DNA test. Jack was in fact little Billy's father. To that day she'd never told Jack, and Catherine had vowed to keep the secret.


Mildred Cooper could sense Catherine's presence. She couldn't see or hear her, but she could feel her pain. The burden of the past was heavy on her daughter's soul, as heavy as it was upon her own soul. My poor, poor Catherine, she thought. She has been carrying the weight of that terrible secret for almost thirty years.

She prayed that Catherine would be able to forgive her when she learned those secrets that were still hidden from her. Then there were her brothers, Jack and Steve. Would they be able to find forgiveness within their hearts?

Why did she have to be stricken with a stroke at that time? If she didn't come out of the coma, how would everything ... how would the truth be revealed to the two families? Could Agnes Nolan handle it? Would there ever be closure for all concerned?

She felt a chill. She sensed another there in the room.


She climbed into the truck and leaned forward to kiss him. She waited until he engaged the transmission before she spoke. "Jack, something strange happened earlier in the yard."

He glanced at her and asked, "What's that, Tiffany? What happened?"

She told him about the man who had given Billy the copy of the ad. She looked straight ahead when she continued, "...And whoever it was called our son 'nephew.'" She felt the truck slow down as Jack pulled over to the side of the road.

"Nephew? Neither you nor Hunter has any brothers or sisters! And the copy of that stupid ad? Somebody's messing with you," he said trying to make sense of this new development. "Who would do that?"

She shrugged, "I don't know. You don't suppose Steve had anything to do with it? After all, he is your brother."

"What?" he asked somewhat stunned. He studied her face for a brief moment. "What are you implying? Why would Steve....?" His words trailed off and he seemed to be lost in thought.

Tiffany grimaced. She'd almost let the cat out the bag. She'd been dropping subtle hints to him for the past several weeks. She couldn't quite bring herself to come right out with the truth - that he was Billy's father.

He leaned over and let his lips brush lightly against hers. Maybe it was starting to sink in she thought.

"Jack," she said. "I have something to tell you."


(to be continued Echoes of Eddie -20.)

No.1341

Thar's Piracy in Privacy

I was looking forward to a nice vacation. I had no plans so I started reading the ads in the Travel Section of the newspaper. Then I saw this ad:

"Free Cruise To Tahiti."
-(See Capt. Bob Barnacle)*

*A word of advice: If you read travel ads - remember to read the fine print.

You see, Capt. Bob Barnacle was a pirate, and I had to join his crew to get the free trip to Tahiti. Throwing caution to the wind*, I thought, "How bad can it be?"

*Another bit of advice: Never throw caution to the wind.

Captain Barnacle was a crusty old salt and he struck me as the stereotypical pirate. He had a wooden peg leg, a patch over one eye and a hook where a hand should be. I inquired about his prosthetic leg and he said, "I was once swept overboard and lost me leg to a shark." Before I could ask, he said of his hook, "I lost me hand in a sword fight." When I pointed to his eye patch he exclaimed, "Aaaar! That was most unfortunate. A seagull let loose its droppings right into me eye. It was me first day with the hook."

Well, the Captain began showing me around the ship. Starting on the main deck we went to the stern. The Captain said, "Watch where ye be steppin' back here." When he saw my confused look he said, "It's the Poop Deck, swabby."

Then we came upon a topless female amidships. Although she was quite shapely and attractive, like the captain she too sported an eye patch. When I expressed curiosity about the fate of her eye he responded, "We was a sittin' together and that dam seagull got her too. Like I said, it was me first day with the hook!"

"She be me first mate, and a mighty fine mate at that," he said of her. "But alas, I had to divorce her because she had the toes on both her feet cut off in a battle."

I didn't want to insult him, but I had to know why that was grounds for a divorce. He snarled and replied, "Aaaar! It's like this, I happen to be "lack-toes-intolerant."

Next he took me below decks to the cramped spaces where the crew slept. I was going to ask him why a woman was on the ship in the first place, because I'd heard they were considered bad luck at sea. Before I could ask we came across another female crew member. Sporting a rather skimpy outfit she was very sexy.

Noticing the leer on my face he said, "I'd be careful how ye be lookin' at that one. She be me second mate!"

Later we were at sea and I was busy preparing my bunk to have it ready for when it was time to turn in. Then one my new crew mates walked by with his head covered in paper towels. I asked the man next to me about the man's unusual head wear. He answered, "Oh, they say he has a bounty on his head!"

Some of the crew were sitting around telling sea tales, so I thought I'd sit in and listen, thinking maybe I'd learn something. I listened intently as one old salt spun his tale.

"Last year our captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a rival pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, 'Bring me my red shirt!'. The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the rival pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two more rival pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, 'Bring me my red shirt!'. The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, 'Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?'. The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, 'If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid'. The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were still more rival pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my brown pants!'"

I was surprised to see that one of the crew was an old heavy set nun wearing an eye patch. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised to learn that she'd also been 'white-washed' in the eye by a seagull. Yep, the Captain still wasn't used to his hook when he had tried to help her.

They told me that they all called her Sister Graybeard. Since she had no whiskers I just had to ask why she was given that name. One old tar said, "Wait until you're up on deck with her when there is a gale-force storm. When the wind lifts her habit, you'll see why."

About a week later we were nearing Tahiti and the excitement was running high. The ship had been out to sea for three months without a single port-of-call. The men were beginning to feel the tension of being without a woman for so long. It didn't help to see the Captain's first and second mates running around. The men avoided temptation for obvious reasons. We heard that several of the men were involved in a rape. Graybeard denied that she attacked the men.

Some of my crew mates were very helpful and gave me some advice about the women of Tahiti. One toothless buccaneer said to me, "Bring yer pieces of eight to a local grog shop and say the followin’ to the lasses ye be findin’:"

-- Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?
-- Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?
-- Come on up and see me urchins.
-- Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.
-- I’d love to drop anchor in your lagoon.
-- Pardon me, but would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole?
-- How’d you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?
-- Well blow me down?

If all else fails, knock down a bit more grog and try this:

-- Prepare to be boarded.

Another grizzled old tar offered, "Not all pirates can be old salts when it comes to lasses so if those fails ye, try these:"

-- They don’t call me Long John because my head is so big.
-- You’re drinking a Salty Dog? How’d you like to try the real thing?
-- Wanna shiver me timbers?
-- I’ve sailed the seven seas, and you’re the sleekest schooner I’ve ever sighted.
-- That’s the finest pirate booty I’ve ever laid eyes on.
-- Let’s get together and haul some keel.
-- That’s some treasure chest you’ve got there.

As we were dropping anchor, my eyes caught one particular wench standing on shore. She was waving and I was certain she was waving at me!

We got together at the local tavern and the first thing she said to me was, "That's a mighty fine cutlass you have there, how would you like to put it in my scabbard?"

It was then that the Travel Section of the newspaper for some reason slipped off my lap and fell onto the floor. I opened my eyes and there stood the missus and she was saying, "Would you mind helping me clean up the kitchen?"*

*Some more advice:

"Never, after eating a full meal, sit down and try to read the advertisements in the Travel Section from your Sunday newspaper while The Pirates of the Caribbean is playing on the television on a lazy cold rainy Sunday afternoon."

Funny, but when I was putting the bread and steak knives into the slots of the wooden counter top knife holder, I could have sworn I heard the wench saying, "Yes, put your cutlass into my scabbard!"

No.1340

Green Blogging vs Gas Guzzling

Today was an expensive day! I filled my gas tank and went food shopping!

Talk about a Catch-22!
My wife said to me, "How are we going get by on these high food prices?"
I answered, "Don't worry about it, we can't afford the gas to get to the store anyway!"

We are facing the ultimate dilemma: whether to fill our shopping carts or to fill our fuel tanks. Of course, we could always opt to half-fill our stomachs and tanks. That would make the problem half as bad, right?

It worries me to think that somewhere in bright a wardroom, illuminated by non-energy-saving bulbs, a think tank of wealthy entrepreneurs are gathered around a buffet of caviar and imported champagne trying to figure out how to put internal combustion engines on shopping carts. Meanwhile, their chauffeur-driven Hummer limousines are idling on the parking lot outside, ready to cart them off to the airport to board their private jets.

Why do I get the feeling that buying a box of Corn Flakes is depriving someone of a gallon of gas? Yet, that same gallon of gas translates into fewer Corn Flakes on the grocery store shelves.

Are alternative fuels such as ethanol, really the answer to the fuel crisis? Talk about biting the hand that feeds us!

The inevitable amalgamation of the ultra-mega conglomerates, such as Mobil-Ford-Kelloggs, Shell-GM-Post and Amoco,Toyota & Uncle Ben's will be the backbone of world's economy. It stands to reason that the combined forces of the oil, automotive, and cereal industries would have to work together to solve the world's energy crisis.

The news, led by Gates' Universe, Inc., which will own and control the broadcast, print and Internet mediums of communication, will serve as watchdog. Its wholly owned subsidiaries, the world's governments will either take credit or deny any involvement in any possible controversies - operating much in the same manner as they currently do.



Perhaps that possible future satirized above can be avoided by exploring other alternative forms of energy.

Wind Power
Avoiding crowded highways by taking shortcuts
More Efficient Batteries
Drayage - the use of draft animals
Shut up, PETA, you weren't invited to this posting!
Cost Efficient Airlines

No.1339

Baseball As a Second Religion

DENOMINATIONS OF BASEBALL

Calvinists believe the game is fixed.

Lutherans believe they can't win, but trust the Scorekeeper.

Quakers won't swing.

Unitarians can catch anything.

Amish walk a lot.

Pagans sacrifice.

Jehovah's Witnesses are thrown out often.

Scientologists play injured.

Televangelists get caught stealing.

Episcopalians pass the plate.

Methodists want to rewrite the rules.

Evangelicals make effective pitches.

Fundamentalists balk.

Hindus refuse to kill the umpire, lest he's a relative.

Mormons are in left field.

Dunkers are down by three.

Adventists have a seventh-inning stretch.

Atheists refuse to have an Umpire.

Baptists want to play hardball.

Premillenialists expect the game to be called soon on account of darkness.

The Pope claims never to have committed an error.

(The previous is a reprint of a post that originally appeared in the archives of Verbicidal Tendencies.)

"You might be a redneck if you think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are 'Play Ball'" - Comedian Jeff Foxworthy



A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the National Anthem started.......the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts" And the patients complied by standing up.

After the anthem ...he yelled, "Down Nuts". And they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all brokeout into applause and cheered.

When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts!!!" and they all started booing and cat calling.

Thinking things were going very well. The doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked," What in the world happened? "

The assistant replied, "Well, everything was going just fine till a vendor passed by and yelled PEANUTS!"


A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here."

"You don't understand," says the man. "This is no regular dog, he can talk."

"Listen, pal," says the bartender. "If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks."

The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, "What's on top of a house?"

"Roof!"

"Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?"

"Bark!"

"And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"

"Ruth!"

"I guess you've heard enough," says the man. "I'll take the hundred in twenties."

The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here before I belt you."

As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, "Do you think I should have said 'DiMaggio'?"

No.1338

A Wright Makes a Wrong

Obama Records Smash Hit!

Jeremiah was a bullhorn
He's not a friend of mine
I never believed a single word he said
But I listened to him preach and whine
And he always had some mighty lame whines
Wright was singin'...

God Damn America
All the Jews and whites now
God damned government invented HIV
Just for you and me
Wright: Stop the music! Stop that song!
Barack: Rev'rend Wright. What are you doing here?
Wright: You can't record a song without a backup vocalist!
Barack: You already have me backing up in the polls. Ain't that enough?
Wright: What? You still mad about what I said, even though it's all true?
Barack: Rev'rend, I'm tryin' to be Prez'dent. You're ruining it for me!
Wright: You insinuatin' I've been talkin' out my ass?
Barack: Well, seein' how you been usin' Chap-Stick and Ex-Lax interchangeably...
Wright: Hey! That ain't no way to be talkin' to a man of God, especially one that married you and baptized your kids.
Barack:Thanks for nothin'! They're still afraid of water to this day! Come to think of it, so am I!
Wright: Come on, what's to be a-scared of? There was no soap in that water!
Barack: Yeah? What about that fish that was swimmin' in there?
Wright: Don't you know nothin'? That was a holy mackerel.
Barack: Looked like a carp to me.
Wright: What can I say? You're a fish out of water anyway.
Barack: You callin' me a sucka?
Wright: Now look here, Obama, I'm tryin' to get you elected the first black Prez'dent.
Barack: With the kind of help you're givin', I might as well cede to Hillary now.
Wright: What? No way! If you quit how am I gonna get appointed to a high post on your staff?
Barack: So, that's what this is all about? Pray tell, to what position do you think I'd appoint you?
Wright: Vice Prez'dent, of course!
Barack: Swell. I'd be right where I am now, worryin' about what you might say next.
Wright: Hell, I wouldn't be no worse than that fool Cheney.
Barack: Maybe, but at least Cheney only shoots off his shotgun.
Wright: You callin' me a fool and a loudmouth?
Barack: Let me put it this way, you ain't exactly the quietest hog in the sty.
Wright: Now you've stooped to callin' your preacher names? Well, sticks and stones might break my bones, but words ain't gonna ever hurt me.
Barack: (- - No response. Picks up a large sack. - -)
Wright: Say, what's in the bag?
Barack: STICKS and STONES!
Wright: Heh-heh. I gotta run. Remember, if you need help with your campaign just let me know. ( - - Door hits him in the ass on the way out. - - )
Barack: Now, where was I on that song? Oh, yeah.

If I were the next President
Tell you what I might do
I'll throw all the sticks and the stones and then let
The Rev run the DPU
Sing it now ...

Hail to the chief.
All the girls and the sons
Hail to the chief I'm gonna kick Bush out
Hail to the chief.

Hail to the chief
All the girls and the sons
Hail to the chief
So long to the Clintons.

Barack: Now that's a hit if I ever heard one.


No.1335