Praying For Rain

"I saw her sitting in the rain,
Raindrops falling on her;
She didn't seem to care,
She sat there and smiled at me."*

*(Lyrics: The Rain The Park And Other Things -the Cowsills)

The image at the right was lifted from Rain. I have visited her site on a few occasions by way of her comments left at some of those on my Blogroll. For the life of me, I don't know why I never added her - before now, that is.

Now that I have amended that omission, it is only right that I should bring her to the attention of you who may not be familiar with her.
....It just so happens that she would welcome your support during a trying time in her life. Her son, Rusty, is facing criminal charges and jail time. As with any case such as this, it has been a long and drawn out ordeal that has yet to reach closure.
....Won't you pay her a visit and offer her a kind and caring cyber hug?

Once at her site, you will be greeted by a very sexy buccaneer. I have reproduced it here:
By the way, her avatar 'ain't too shabby' either.
....Rain's site is one of the most visually pleasant-to-look-at sites I have had the pleasure of visiting. Oh, did I mention that she is also a good writer? She has a very nice tribute in words and pictures to the late Yvonne de Carlo, which I found to be very informative. Yvonne de Carlo was so much more than just Lily Munster.

Who knows, you just may be adding Rain to your Blogroll too. Not a bad idea from where I sit.
....I would be remiss if I didn't mention Jules, who shares Rain's anguish with her own son. Both will be in my thoughts and prayers.

No.870

Yes, 'Twas Yesteryear

"Dad, why do I get so hungry every time I look at Miss July?"

*I thought I'd share with you one of my childhood pictures. As you can see, I was a typical impressionable young boy. It would be several years before I learned that the pictures were mere fillers. To this day, they still fill my eyes with wonder!

Two years ago today, I first dipped my toes into what I thought would be the cold waters of the Blogosphere. When I dove in headlong I found instead a warm tropical sea, its breakers caressing the shores of an exclusive resort. I was welcomed by the friendly natives, bloggers who had also sought escape and asylum from the daily grinds of their everyday lives.

Metaphors aside, 730 days and 869 postings later, blogging has indeed provided me with both escape and asylum. It has been an outlet that has allowed me to vent, to espouse, and to pontificate from the soapbox of a keyboard.

"I didn't realize that in spite of myself, my blog in part has become an autobiography. Despite trying to write in complete anonymity, I have actually succeeded in baring my soul. Who I am, what I am, and where I am coming from can all be found in the words that have appeared on this site. At times persnickety, but always innocuous, this shell of a body harbors a clown. In another life, I might have been a court jester. In still another, there might have been a travelling minstrel. In this life? I am a man who tries to be funny, always looking for the lighter side of an otherwise overcast existence."

The above paragraph came from this post of one year ago which celebrated this blog's first anniversary. I don't think I can it say any better now than I did then.

On this, the second anniversary of my blog, I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge all of the readers and commenters who have stopped by (42,840+)during those two years. Of course, it is to those who return day after day, that I am most grateful.
....So, rather than praise myself and my accomplishment of blogging for two years, instead I will praise all of you. Without your patronage, none of his would have been possible.

"In the year to come, bear with me, laugh with me, laugh at me, but above all else - laugh at yourself. I do. You know what? It works! I have confidence, you readers gave it to me, that the year to come will be rife with guffaws, giggles, grins, and best of all - smiles."

That paragraph was the closing to last year's post. It is apropos this year as well.

*This isn't really a picture of me. When I was that age, Playboy Magazine wasn't yet in existence.

No.869

Clock, Robe and Ballet

One day there was a hunter walking through the woods and he came upon an Indian with his legs spread apart, his Johnson sticking straight in the air. The hunter asked him, "What in hell are you doing?"
The Indian said, "I tell time like sundial."
The hunter asked, "What time is it then?"
The Indian said, "2 PM."
The hunter looked at his watch and said, "Damn, that's right!" The hunter went on hunting for a little while and later when he came back by the Indian, he asked, "OK Chief, what time is it now?"
The Indian said, "6 PM."
The hunter said, "You're right again." And he went on home.
....The next morning he left early and returned to the woods. He found the Indian laying on the ground, slapping his dummy. "Now what the hell are you doing?" he asked.
The Indian said, "Winding clock."

-----------------------------------------------------

Here is another e-mail received from my daughter. (Thanks, Gretchen.)

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided that He really needed a new robe.
.... After looking around for a while, He saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him.
.... A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit!
.... He asked how much He owed. Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no,no, for the Son of God ? There's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor? Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor ? "
.... Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of His Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses.
.... A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem , He happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.
.... He pushed His way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business ! Would you consider a partnership ? "
.... "Certainly," replied Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."
.... "Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman." The two of them debated this for some time.
.... Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.
.... A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop.

Can you guess what it read ?

Are you sure you want to know ?

Here it comes...

Don 't say you weren't warned......


OH, DON'T WHINE & MOAN! You know you're going to pass it on.

Finally, why would a perfectly normal young man want to take ballet lessons? For the answer, check it out here. (Smart boy!)

No.868

Coming To A Theater Near You

Not one, but two controversial films are about to hit the silver screen profiling a former President of the United States. Both biographical films detail the life William Clinton.

The first to be released this summer The Legend Of Bubba, follows the future Commander-In-Chief's prepubescent curiosity in a hay loft in rural Arkansas to his carnal escapades in the Oval Office.
....Subtitled From Bananas To Stogies, the film has received an NC-17 rating due to explicit sex scenes and strong adult language.

The second movie, The Bill Clinton Story, The Younger Years, isn't expected to open until early fall. Like the former film, this feature is also rated NC-17 due to the explicit nudity and scenes sexual in nature.
....This film has been highly anticipated because of the uncredited cameo appearance of Sharon Stone in the opening sequence. The scene will be used on the poster to be distributed to the participating theaters. (Clicking on both posters above and to the right will produce a larger more detailed image.)

This reviewer, like you, cannot wait for the release of these accounts of the life and times of Bill Clinton.

Would you like to make your own movie poster using a favorite or funny picture? It's easy. Go to Big Huge Labs . The site also features several other generators.

Before closing I'd like to share the contents of an e-mail from my daughter:

Once upon a time the re lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt.
....Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
....He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
....The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
....The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
....THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

....The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly .

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."
....The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?

M&M's of course.

They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??

No.867

The Old Jokes Home

All of us are going to be seniors someday. Consider these a preview. ( Or are they re-runs? )

An elderly couple decides to go and visit their grandson living in California.
....The grandfather while shaving one day, notices a bottle of Viagra in his grandson's medicine cabinet.
....That evening after dinner, the grandfather explains to his grandson, about finding the bottle of Viagra, and how for a long time, wanted to test the drug out for himself.
....The grandson was hesitant about giving him the drug, especially not knowing what type of reaction or side-affect it could have on his elderly grandfather. So he tried to make up different excuses why he shouldn't test the drug, which made no difference to the old man, since his mind was made up.
....Finally he says, "Besides gramps, those pills cost $8.00 a piece".
...."I don't care", says the old man, "I want to try it"
....With that, the grandson hands the old man one powerful blue pill.
....The next day after work, the grandson finds $108.00 dollars lying on his bed. Curious, he goes and asks his grandfather why he left so much money.
....The old man explains, "I didn't, I only left $8.00.
....The $100.00 is from your grandmother."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A senior citizen's group charters a bus from Brooklyn to Atlantic City. As they entered New Jersey, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says "I've just been molested!"
....The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.
....A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested. The driver starts to think he may have a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?
....About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too. The bus driver decides that he'd had enough, and pulls into the first rest area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
...."Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" says the bus driver.
...."I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I grab it, it keeps running away..."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two old ladies were sitting on the porch at the old folks home. One turned to the other and asked "Martha, you were married a long time, did you and your husband have mutual orgasm?"
....The other little old lady sat and rocked for a minute and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
....The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
....The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
....The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
....After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------
It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady comes running towards her screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"
....The receptionist immediately rushes up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist. "He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.
....The receptionist looks over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"
...."The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man went to town and on his way home he sat to rest. An old friend walking by recognized the old man and stopped to inquire about how he was doing.
...."I just bought a three bedroom, one and a half bath, brick home. And, I more recently remarried to a blonde, 30 years my junior." Then the old man suddenly burst out into an uncontrollable sob followed by big crocodile tears.
...."What's the matter?" the friend asked, "With all your good fortune lately what have you got to cry about?"
....The old man replies, "I forget where I live!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two old ladies visiting a museum, get separated during their tour.
....When they finally catch-up with each other, the first old lady says, "Gertrude, did you see the statue of that naked man back there?"
....Gertrude replies, "Yes, I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing, especially with his private parts being so large!"
...."I know", says her friend, "And cold, too!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple sat through a porno movie twice. They didn't get up to leave until the theater was ready to close for the night.
...."You folks must've enjoyed the show," the usher said.
...."Disgusting!" said the old lady.
...."It was revolting," her husband added.
...."Then why did you sit through it twice?" the usher asks.
...."We had to wait until you turned up the house lights," the old lady replied. "We couldn't find my panties and his teeth were in them!"

Advice: Don't get old!

No.866

What If ...?

What if ... they did a remake of Mary Poppins and Lindsay Lohan plays the lead role?

She would probably have a hard time with the lyrics of the some of the featured songs, don't you think? Let's listen in while she auditions:

Take 1: Mary Poppins - Song number: Spoonful of Sugar ... and action!
Director: Put your heart into it, Lindsay.
Lohan: F**k off! I know how to sing! Ahem! Mi-mi-mi!
.. A spoonful of crack helps my boyfriend go down, boy friend go down, A spoonful of crack helps my boyfriend go down ... In a most delightful way.
Director: Cut! Cut! Let's stick to the real lyrics, Lindsay.
Lohan: You want me to sing those #*%^&# dumb words? Hey! I have fans! I have an image to uphold!
Director: (...And a reputation.) Okay, let's try the next song.

Take 1: Mary Poppins - Song number: Stay Awake ... And action!
Lohan: Stay awake, don't rest your head, Don't lie down upon your bed; All those night clubs open all night! Stay awake, I won't close my eyes.
Director: Cut! Cut! Lindsay, sing the words on the teleprompter.
Lohan: Oh! Karaoke! I love karaoke!
Director: &*+#*%! Let's move to next song.

Take 1: Mary Poppins- Song numer: (This ought to be good.) Supercalofragilistixexpialidocious ... And action!
Lohan: Even though the sound of it, Is something quite rediculous, If we say it loud enough, Everyone will think we're idiots! ...Stupid old fragile pea dishes ... er .. Soup or calory plastic ... er ...

Take 2: Mary Poppins- Song Number: Supercalofragilisticexpialidocious ...And action!
Lohan: um diddle diddle the cat and the fiddle...

Take 10: ... Soup in California its expensive ... er ... shush ... ..And Action!
Director: Damn! Now I can't say the f**kin' word!

Take 132: Aw, hell. You know which one. Action!
Director: (Sigh!) Now I know how David Seville felt with those dumb chipmunks!
Lohan: Hey! Don't you be bad-mouthin' Alvin, Simon and Theodore!
Director: You know their names, but you can't get these lyrics down? Action! ACTION! ACTION!
Lohan: OKAY! ... Super Alvin ... Calvin? .. Suture gravel ...Su .. percocets drag its fishes ..

Take 487: Mary Pippins .. Poppin Fresh .. Pippi Longstockings ..Aw hell! Super .. calo..fragil..istic..expi..ali..docious..
Director: (Sigh!) And to think I could have directed the remake of Howard the Duck! .. But .. NO! I wanted to do a musical!
Lohan: Ooh! I could play the girl in that movie! I loved that movie!
Director: F**k a duck!
Lohan: Right on! I always wanted to do that!
Director: Lindsay! I swear I'm gonna come down there and kick you in the seat of the pants!
Lohan: Afraid not! He-he-he! I'm not wearing any!

For now, we close the curtain on the set of the long-awaited remake of Super Poppins ...Poopin Mary ... Never mind! At his rate, it'll never reach production anyway.

Future "What Ifs..": George Bush as Forrest Gump; Arnold Schwarzeneggar and Rosie O'Donnell in Dirty Dancing; and Bill Clinton in sex, lies and video tape.

Got any ideas for some "What Ifs.." ? Feel free to leave them in the comments. There should be some good ones out there.

No.865

I'm With Stupid Cupid

Valentine's Day is still twenty-two days away and the stores have only had their stuff for this day on the shelves for nineteen days so far. You know what that means? It's never to early to pay tribute to the loves of your lives.

I can always tell when Valentine's Day is this close. My wife is already wearing that flannel winter nightie with an arrow pointing to the left side of the bed. Beneath the arrow is the inscription: I Sleep With Stupid.

I will make this vow now, that unlike Thanksgiving and Christmas, I will not be posting nothing but Valentines blogs from now until the 14th of February! Promise!
....Let me be one of the first (of many other firsts) to give the readers out there a Valentine.
....For those of you who fall under the blanket epithet of Baby Boomers (and older) here's a special Valentines wish for you: Senior Grease .

I just needed a topic to help me unwind and that would allow me to delve back into this Blog's normal bill of fare. While it was both fun and challenging to dabble in the suspense genre, I find it to be taxing. When one isn't used to being serious for more than five minutes at a clip, immersed in a week's worth of fiction tends to purge the mind of humorous creativity.
....Of course, I am being presumptuous thinking anything found here is funny. That also presupposes that anyone found my fiction to be serious.

....How can I send a general Valentine out there into the Blogosphere, without sending a special one to the fairest of the Bloggers, you ladies? Allow me to correct that faux pas with a male stripper . (If you embarrass easily, do not click on that link. Oops! Too late!)
....Not wishing to be accused of showing favoritism, guys I do have one for you also: a female stripper .

Just in time for a tune up before Valentine's Day. Have you ever taken the Lucky Charms Sex Test? I found this at Searchable Jokes .

Lucky Charms Sex Test

Here's a fun little Cosmo-style test for you:

Don't cheat! Before you read on . . . choose your favorite marshmallow bit from Lucky Charms from the list below . . .

Pink hearts
Yellow moons
Orange stars
Green clovers
Blue diamonds
Purple horseshoes
Those icky oat bits

OK. Have you got one in mind? Now you can read on. And don't change it!

Amazing new study shows that your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow bit shape determines what you're like in bed! Yes, it's true...just take this simple test to determine your true bedroom personality:

GREEN CLOVERS: If your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow shape is the green clover, you're a happy-go-lucky type in bed. You don't take anything too seriously in the bedroom or elsewhere and always manage to have a good time, even if you have someone else with you. You don't have any patience with depressed people and tend to sit on them until they cheer up.

BLUE DIAMONDS: If your favorite marshmallow shape is the blue diamond, your thoughts in bed are mostly about what you'll get later. "If he really enjoys this, will he buy me that mink coat?" is probably what's going through your mind. People who like blue diamonds have a notebook of preprinted fill-in-the-blank palimony suit forms and are the people most likely to file their nails while making love.

ORANGE STARS: If your favorite shape is the orange star, you expect to be the center of attention in bed. You expect your partner to spend most of his time pleasing you and when you do something for him, you expect enthusiastic moaning if not applause. People who like orange stars often have mirrors over their beds, not because they are turned on by watching what is being done, but because they want to be able to watch themselves having a good time. They often moan out their own names while making love.

PINK HEARTS: If you like pink hearts, you're the romantic type. You like your partner to whisper romantic phrases into your ear and, if he's too distracted to form coherent phrases, you'll settle for romantic syllables. People who like pink hearts read most of the romance novels published and are turned on by people wearing armor.

PURPLE HORSESHOES: If purple horseshoes are your thing, your tastes are modern, uninhibited, and somewhat warped. You like variety in the bedroom, especially when you can include handcuffs, chains, swing sets, and chocolate pudding. Be careful when going out on a picnic with anyone who likes purple horseshoes--she's/he's likely to pin you down with croquet hoops when you're not looking and who knows what could happen next?

YELLOW MOONS: If you're the yellow moon type, you're more interested in satisfying your partner's needs than your own. You prefer to lie back and wait for your partner to jump on you and express her/his needs verbally or nonverbally. People who like yellow moons usually own several pairs of handcuffs and other instruments of kinky sex just in case someone should ever want to tie them up and ravish them. Keep your eyes open for anyone who eats all the purple horseshoes out of their cereal as soon as they open the box.

Those icky oat bits: The oat bits aren't marshmallows at all. If you prefer the little oat bits, you probably don't like sex anyway and don't need to read this article. People who prefer the oat bits usually become accountants, librarians who work at the reference desk, or government employees. These people like to chow down on a big bowl brimming with oat bits before a tough day of protesting suggestive lyrics in rock music. People who like oat bits have more time to spend writing letters to the editor than any other type.

(Can I change my pick? I chose the purple horseshoes!)

No.864

Perchance To Dream (7)

( This is the seventh and final installment of a story which begins here. )

Chapter 7: Do You Dream When You Die?

"What in the hell?" Herbie sat upright in his knapsack. His cell phone was ringing, but it wasn't the normal ring tone he had been using. He glanced at the screen and saw that someone had sent him a text message.
....He read the few lines of text and saved it. Moving to the edge of the roof, he let his eyes follow the path of the road leading to the waterfront warehouse. No one could approach the structure without him first seeing them.
....He rubbed his palms together and sneered. "They will be here soon. After all these years all of us will finally be in same place at the same time. I've been planning this little get together for a long time. It ends here - tonight."

Rhonda scanned the text message and saved it. She nodded to Mae Lee who had been mimicking her actions. "It is done. It's time to keep our appointment," she said calmly.
...."I sure hope he's right." Mae Lee said, "If this doesn't work..."
...."Hush! It will. I'm sure of it," Rhonda winked. "Remember, there's safety in numbers."
....They began to walk once again. They hurried to their car parked around the corner.

He laughed as he saved the message. "So, they thought they could trap me, did they? They aren't as smart as they think."
....He'd expected them to use an alternate pre-programmed frequency. Anticipating such a plan, he'd kept his phone open to Rhonda's phone. Anything sent to her phone would result in the simultaneous transmission to his. He mused a moment and realized that they would probably be able to track the use of his phone also. It turned out he hadn't given them enough credit after all.
....Returning the cell phone to his pocket, he turned his attention to the women. Grabbing the briefcase he climbed out of his car and hurried across the street after them. He was undaunted by the sudden rain that began to fall.
....They had just reached the car when they heard footsteps rushing in their direction. Frozen, Mae Lee was struck by the man's first shot. She fell in a heap onto the sidewalk.
...."Mae Lee!" Rhonda cried out. A second shot rung out and she felt the air shattered near her ear as the bullet passed by. She turned and began to run toward any alley not ten yards away.
....He paused a moment and regarded the fallen figure before him. He nudged the body with his foot. There was no movement. His face was grim, for until that moment he'd managed to keep his hands clean. In his mind he thought he could hear "Eye Of The Tiger." He suddenly felt an adrenalin rush from his first hands on kill.
....He set the briefcase down next to the body and said, "Mind keeping an eye on this for me, honey?" Laughing aloud he ran to the entrance of the alley.
....The rain had increased in intensity making visibility difficult at best. Rhonda had hidden behind a row of trash cans. The tears streaming down her cheeks were discernible in the deluge of driven rain. A chill had run up her spine when she'd heard his malicious laughing. That he was now stalking her could only mean one thing, that Mae Lee was dead.
....A sudden gust of wind toppled the barricade of trash receptacles onto her. The clamor of aluminum cans and their lids caught his attention. He moved furtively in the direction of the noise. He grinned in satisfaction as he made out the facade of a building. The woman had run into a blind alley. There was only one way out.

Herbie had been sprinting in the direction of the gun shot for several minutes. None of them had made it to the warehouse. Something had gone wrong. He estimated that he had to be about six blocks away from where the shot had originated. He prayed he was in time.

"Damn!" Milton moaned. He cursed the rain as he ran as fast as his feet and legs could carry him. The sudden weather front must have been affecting the signal. His only hope was that the closer he got to where the shot had been fired, the program could be activated.
....He could only assume that they had received his text message to switch their phones to speaker mode, and under no circumstances were they to answer their phones! He had nothing to go on but faith that they would believe his warning that their stalker was none other than Rheinberg.

Herbie knew the last part of the message was a lie. Other than he, none of them knew that Rheinberg was dead, except for his killer. There was a reason that they were instructed to switch to speaker. He was going to transmit a message to cloud their minds. He had no way to warn them. What was Milton up to?

She hated Shakespeare! Why was that damned soliloquy popping up in her mind? She felt a sudden tingling coursing through her body. There were voices, many voices calling out to her. It was as if they were lying next to her in the rising water of the alley. No, not next to her, but within her head. Their thoughts and his were merging with her own thoughts.
....They were next to her! They were crawling over her legs. Rats! Tears in her eyes, she fought the screams welling in her throat.
....Before her everything was shimmering. An image seemed to be projecting from somewhere beyond into her mind. She was naked upon a stone altar, a living sacrifice to the stalking great cats. The leaping fish ...The floating gun ... All so familiar.
....The realization brought to her a sense of new found-hope. The image, the picture was a painting prominently displayed in Dr. Rheinberg's office. The hope faded as quickly as it had entered her mind, replaced with more frightening images.
....She was naked upon a desk, that painting on the wall behind him. Ten years ago the face hovering above her had belonged to Milton. It wasn't Milton who'd been thrusting himself into her. Her subconscious mind was purging itself, removing the veils that Dream Lover had painted in her mind. Rheinberg had been raping her and probably Mae Lee too. It angered her to wonder how many times the son of a bitch may have been violating their minds and bodies.
....Suddenly, she saw herself in a surreal dreamlike image, not from her own senses, but as a projected and shared thought from another. She had been found. Then, as if from the perspective of the onlooker, the barrel of a pistol appeared. It was aimed at her prone body. She could feel the pressure on the trigger in her own fingers.

Herbie could see Milton a few yards ahead of him. In the driving rain he somehow found renewed stamina to run even faster. He caught up to him at the entrance to the alley. Just before he could grab onto him he saw that he had pressed something in his hand.
....Herbie dropped to his knees succumbing to a high pitched scream of hypersonic waves of energy particles. He lay writhing cupping his ears to no avail. So intense the pain he didn't feel the killing blow that crushed his skull.
....On the lam from Federal drug charges, it had been easy enough to "convince" Herbert that he was in fact a secret agent. His perceived mission had been to stop a covert operation designed to overthrow the government. He almost felt sorry for the man.

Even as she fought the pain in her head caused by the intense frequency, she felt compelled to watch the flight of the bullet. She was mesmerized, watching in fascination as it seemed to move in slow motion at her. She was able to watch it appear to grow larger as it drew near. She had but a trice to feel the projectile tear into her forehead.

The shooter had squeezed the trigger at the same instant that his brain felt like it was on fire. He collapsed face first into the rising water next to Rhonda's body. The blood pouring from his ears, the result of a massive aneurysm, mixed with that of the woman and turned the water into a crimson pool.

Milton shut off the power to the PDA. He walked over to the car and picked up the briefcase. He looked over to see Mae Lee sitting against the car, a broad smile on her face. He offered his hand and pulled her to her feet.
...."I see you followed my message to turn your phone off," he said to her.
....She threw her arms around his shoulders and planted a kiss upon his cheek. She backed away and looked up at him, "What took you so long?"
...."This damned rain was interfering with the signal. It took me a while to run here. What can I say? I'm out of shape."
....She pointed to the stalker's body. "Say, who was he anyway?"
...."Who was he? My lawyer," he replied. "When he found out about Dream Lover and its potential, he got greedy. He wanted it all."
...."You're so clever. You played him. You let him think he was in control of the situation?"
....Milton nodded, "Yep! In the end he made things a lot easier than I had planned."
....Giggling she opened her blouse and cupped her breasts. "What do think of these babies, honey?"
....His PDA began to vibrate. He grinned as he read the brief message from his partner.

Mission accomplished. Fifty/fifty? - Milton Sinclair

....He help up the PDA and pressed a key, "Nice! But they aren't yours."
....Before her eyes Milton's face shimmered and morphed into that of her boyfriend, Jimmy. He watched bemused as the same shimmering effect transformed Mae Lee's face to her true one. "It's so good to see you again, my beautiful Misty."
....As they kissed long and hard he thought only briefly of the real Mae Lee. It was ironic that just like Misty, she too had been deathly afraid of snakes.
....He bent to pick up the briefcase. "There's five hundred grand in here, what do you say we go buy you that boob job?"
...."You mean it? You really mean it, Jimmy?"
...."Sure," he grinned. "Then we're going to one of those islands and sip on some of those drinks with the funny little umbrellas."
....She looked around at the three bodies. A serious look on her face she asked, "Do you dream when you die?"
....He extended his arm and they walked away from the alley. He answered her question only to himself, "Who knows? Maybe you'll find out sooner than you think."

Smiling, he patted the PDA in his pocket and then Rheinberg thought, "So what if she thinks I'm Jimmy?"

"To die, to sleep; to sleep! Perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub."

No.863

Coming To A Conclusion

Have you ever noticed how some terms seemed to have sexual overtones whether actual or perceived? A case in point is the title chosen for this post.
....Is there really a sexual connotation there? Putting it in perspective, why not break it down to its component parts?
....Coming: adj- 1. approaching; next in line, 2. showing promise. n- arrival; advent.
....Conclusion: n - 1. an ending or finality; 2. the act of ending.

....We hold our breaths waiting for our conjugal partner to say amorous things like: "..Almost there, honey. I'm coming to a conclusion!"
....I don't know about you, but it doesn't evoke passion to me.

On the other hand, if the title were to be used as a caption for the cartoon featured here, it does take on a sexual slant.

....In fact, the title has little to do with sex. It is intended as an announcement, albeit a cryptic one, that the current running short story, "Perchance To Dream" is indeed coming to a conclusion.
....If you've been following the story, you no doubt noticed that chapter six was wrapping up several loose ends and answered a few questions. That is usually a sure sign that a story is approaching a climax before finally coming to a conclusion.
....It is also a sign that author has become frantic because he has let the story run away from him. His story has reached such a frenetic pace he realized that he'd forgotten to include some key elements. He has suddenly had to switch gears and apply the brakes.

....In a typical whodunnit story, we know what it is that the who has dun, but we should also learn why the who whodunnit to those to whom he's dunnit to was doing it, before we find out who the dunnit is.

....If you haven't read the story yet, what in the hell are you waiting for? Seriously, to read the story from the beginning, simply move that over active cursor of yours to here and start reading! The story will continue with a posting on Sunday 1/14/07.

Since this post opened with sexual connotations, who am I to disappoint?

Spartacus Sperm*

In the Kingdom of Scrotumeria, there lived a peaceful village of poor Spermatozoans. Now every Spermatozoa aspired to be The One. Their literature was rich in the lore of those who had come before them. The elders often warned them that they should want to be like those who had gone before them.
....The old stories told of such gallant heroes as Hercules Sperm, Goliath Sperm, and the great Ulysses Sperm. Those legendary forefathers had become one of The Ones.
....There were also some disturbing stories that told of those who had failed. These urban legends were popular with the youth of the village. That explained why so many of them had become listless and lackadaisical, if not just plain lazy.
....Because of the ghost stories told around campfires, the children feared that they might become a mere pool in some navel. They could end up suffering the indignity of dripping harmlessly from a hand. Even more terrifying was the prospect of being launched into space only to be splattered against a wall.
....However, there was one story that was sure to cause nightmares. It was the telling of a Jonah-like story. It told of a hungry beast with a cavernous orifice, some times referred to as a mouth. The orifice was said to be lined with pearly white stalagmites and stalactites. Many a Sperm had died striking them. Most horrifying of all was the belief that some of their descendants had been swallowed alive.
....Now there lived among them a large powerful member of the tribe. The elders had watched him with interest. They felt that he just might be The One. His name was Spartacus. He laughed at the ghost stories and was proud of their heritage and purpose for living.
....While the other youth sat around, he could be seen running, doing calisthenics, and lifting weights. He spent many hours training and practicing aerobic breathing. He had come to think that might be The One. It was that driving force that soon turned him into one of most athletic and strongest Spermatozoa that even the eldest of the elders had ever seen.
....He studied the history books and read the biographies of those legendary heroes. He wanted to be ready when the day came that the great subway tube would reopen. He wanted nothing more than to be the first through the tunnel. He wanted nothing more than to be the first to see the tunnel's egress. Out there was the glorious afterlife and the mythical egg of progeny.
....One day there was an occurrence of a rare afternoon delight. Their domed world began to warm considerably. The dome surrounding them began to shrink from some outside stimulation. Lo, the subway began to elevate, its walls hardening. Suddenly, as if by magic the tunnel opened.
....Spartacus stood at the opening awaiting the surge that would allow them to pass through the tunnel. He noticed a quivering in the walls as they continued to expand.
....It happened! There was a gush of power to his back and he was off and running ahead of the pack. Because of his stamina and intense training, he soon left his fellow villagers far behind. Before long he was completely out of their sight. Even though some were struggling to stay behind, the pressure was pushing them along at a frightening pace. Some could be seen praying while still others were saying their rosaries.
....All of a sudden they could see Spartacus. They thought they might be overtaking him. But he was running in their direction. He was terrified and was shouting to them.
...."Go back! Go back! It's a hand job!"

Bada-bing, bada-boom!

* This is an old joke. You've probably seen or heard it in one of many different and certainly much shorter forms. I decided to update it in story format.

....Next, we shall tackle another term that has perceived sexual overtones: Coming to a head.

No.862

Perchance To Dream (6)

( This is the sixth installment of a story which begins here.)

Chapter 6: The Dreams That Stuff Is Made Of

The man at the bakery had told him that there wasn't much left of the charred body they'd taken away in the ambulance. Herbie looked up at what remained of the still smoldering apartment. The tragedy had been attributed to a natural gas explosion.
....A tear formed in the corner of his eyes. Dr. Rheinberg had been a father figure to him. He swallowed hard the sob that had been surging within his throat. He had let the doctor down. He'd betrayed his trust. He'd even reneged on the vow that they'd all taken so long ago.
....Once he and the others met on the roof of that warehouse, he was going to remove a terrible burden from his shoulders. He was going to come clean. He had to! He dreaded facing them all. A warm glow came to his heart as he visualized Mae Lee's face in his thoughts. He didn't wish to hurt her.
....Then there was Milton. Would he be so willing as he for their dark secret to be revealed? Both Rhonda and Mae Lee were going to be hurt, for they were unwitting victims of his and Milton's misguided improprieties. There were going to be huge rifts and strains placed upon their friendships that day.
....He sighed heavily and walked away. He would take his backpack and camp out on the roof and wait for the others to arrive.

Milton looked out of the window as they pulled into the rest stop. The bad thing about travelling by bus was all the stops along the way. It was a minor nuisance though. He had opted to take a bus to afford him the time to think. Soul searching would have been too taxing if he had to also concentrate on operating a vehicle on unfamiliar roads. Besides, it kept his hands free to run a series of programs he had written years before.
....The fact that he was now accessing those files meant that Dr. Rheinberg's fears had come to fruition. Dream Lover was in fact in the wrong hands. Rheinberg knew it, hence the e-mail he had sent him and the others.
....The others, who like him were certainly in transit to the rendezvous point, must have also realized that a crisis was at hand. All of them were in possible mortal danger. If someone else was in possession of Dream Lover, it would follow that that someone knew all about them. That someone, whomever it was, would not want to share the power of Dream Lover. They were expendable.
....He produced a state-of-the-art PDA and connected it to the computer. He pressed the 'enter' key and started the transfer of data.

"Rhonda," Mae Lee said, "When we meet up with the guys, are you planning to bring up our little clandestine experiment?"
...."We have to, don't you think?" she replied.
...."Yes, I suppose we must. I'm just not sure I can face them. Won't you be embarrassed?"
....Rhonda looked into her friend's eyes and said sternly, "After what has happened to us? You in the baggage claim area? Me in the conference room? Not to mention what happened in that hotel bed! Embarrassed, Mae Lee? I should think we would be invulnerable to embarrassment."
....Mae Lee hung her head, "I don't think I am as strong as you, Rhonda."
...."Did it ever occur to you, Mae Lee, that the boys might have conducted a similar experiment of their own?"
...."What?" she exclaimed in horror. "They wouldn't have! That would be like .. rape!"
...."Yes, mind rape. You're exercising a double standard, aren't you? What's good for the goose isn't good for the gander?"
...."Well, when you put it that way ... You're right, of course."
...."If you and I came up with the idea, isn't quite possible they did also? Don't you think they must have weighed the morality of their actions just as you and I did that night so long ago?"
...."True. I guess I wasn't giving them enough credit to place scientific pursuits ahead of their libidos." She looked up at Rhonda and added, "I have to admit that it was a rewarding experiment."
....A knowing smile appeared on Rhonda's face. "Yes, very rewarding."

His "to-do" list was growing shorter. He drew a line through the last completed task, the stripper. He held up the list and read the numbered items one by one.

1. cop from the bar
2. Smith, the porno man
3. Rheinberg
4. Misty the stripper
5. Jimmy, Misty's boyfriend
6. Herbert Jennings
7. Milton Sinclair
8. Rhonda Fisher
9. Mae Lee Tan

Ah yes, he thought, the cop he'd met in that tavern was the contact that had led him to the discovery of the possible location of Dream Lover. That cop had been only too cooperative to retrieve the report the stripper and her boyfriend had given in exchange for a C-note. It was most unfortunate that he would happen to walk into the path of a semi only moments after handing him the report.
....There were only four 'items' left on his list, the students themselves. Once they were eliminated, he'd be the sole person alive with any knowledge of Dream Lover or of its existence. He's was on the verge of becoming a very filthy rich and very powerful lawyer. There could not be anyone left alive who might get in his way.
....He patted the cell phone in his breast pocket. He could scratch the broads off the list as sure as he was sitting there in sight of their hotel. Later, he thought, later. He needed them at present. He didn't know when or where, but they would be meeting the two men soon. All that would be left to do would be to follow the girls. They would lead him to them.

The upload completed, Milton disconnected the PDA from the laptop. He typed in a set of instructions followed by the command to transmit.
....He let his mind wander back to the last time he and Dr. Rheinberg had met, scarcely six months earlier. The doctor had gotten himself into trouble and had called him for help. Funny, Milton thought, but he'd never imagined his mentor being obsessed with a woman.
....He was shamed, but he told Milton the whole story. He'd begun a habit of stopping into a strip club for a couple of drinks and a little escapism after work. He'd become infatuated with a stripper who used the stage name Misty. After he'd become a regular customer, he had gotten to know the girl. Not being the man-of-the-world type, Rheinberg had misinterpreted that part of the woman's job to coerce the male customers to spend their money buying the dancers drinks.
....The woman, of course, had rejected his advances. Then one night, his persistence in spite of her protests had led to a confrontation with a bouncer. He was thrown out of the place and ordered to never return. As it turned out, the bouncer was the girl's boyfriend.
....Banned from the club, the doctor had become desperate. He began to stalk her until he'd learned her address. It was an easy matter to obtain her telephone number. He was chagrined to learn that the two lived together. Not wanting to risk contact with the bouncer, Rheinberg had at that point lost all sense of discretion. He activated Dream Lover with the intention of projecting his mind into the mind of the boyfriend.
....He'd reasoned that if he couldn't have sex with Misty himself, then he would see, hear and feel what the man experienced. The sensations had been so realistic that he'd felt like it was he who'd been having sex with the woman. Not only had he become erect, but he had ejaculated at the same instant the man had.
....Then one night something went wrong. It was something they had never anticipated when they were working on the project. Instead of picking up the phone, one of them had switched the call to speaker. Rheinberg's mind had been transferred into both the minds of the woman and the man in the same instant. There was severe pain in his head as two sets of thoughts mingled with his own. He had then immediately broken the connection.
....As it turned out, there had been some lasting after effects. Lingering thoughts of the pair remained in his brain for several hours. He'd told Milton that he suspected that fragments of his thoughts may have been lodged in the minds of the couple also.
....A few days later he had been visited by a policeman who had informed him that the couple had filed a report at the police station that he'd been reading their minds, thus invading their privacy. The officer laughed at the ludicrous claims but had felt duty bound to inform him of the charges. He'd wanted to warn an upstanding college professor that someone might be harrassing him.
....That was when he had became certain that they'd picked up on his thoughts. They'd given the police his full name and address, information they could not have known.
....With his mentor's assistance they had hastily created a software application that would prevent in the future any occurences like the one that had nearly brought Dream Lover to unwanted public attention. Before he returned home, Milton had suggested that he take a long vacation just to get away and to forget.

....He liked to twist Sam Spade's words from his favorite movie, The Maltese Falcon, into some more to his liking, "The dreams that stuff is made of!"
....He tensed and touched the keys hanging from the ignition switch. The two women were leaving the hotel. The game had resumed.

To be continued... Conclusion

No.861

Perchance To Dream (5)

( This is the fifth installment of a story which begins here.)

Chapter 5: Dreams To Die For

Somehow Rhonda was able to gather herself to handle the task at hand. The title of her speech, "Dreams To Die For," had seemed innocent enough when she had written it, but in light of the recent events it now felt ominous somehow.
....She had seen Mae Lee enter the conference room. She had a worried look on her countenance as she took a seat near the front. From her perch at the dais, the two had made eye contact several times. Mae Lee had been visibly disturbed by the fact that they might have been making love to each other. She however, was more concerned with the fact that both of them had thought they were with a man.
....She sighed with relief when she turned to the last page of the outline of her speech. She paused a moment when she came to the quotation earmarked to close her speech. She was certain that Mae Lee would also be pondering the closing words.
...."In closing, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to mention a cartoon that I have framed in my office. I have it hanging next to my graduate degree. I'm sure that most of you are familiar with the comic strip, Calvin and the Hobbes."
....She smiled as there arose a murmur of assent from the audience. The significance of the strip was certainly not lost on Mae Lee. She tensed and sat upright, her eyes glued to Rhonda.
...."In this particular cartoon," she continued, "The little boy Calvin is lying in bed next to his friend, Hobbes the tiger. With his hands behind his head he is staring at the ceiling and says:

' I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each other's dreams, we can be together all the time.'

Thank you everyone and have a good evening."
....She turned and headed backstage. She knew that Mae Lee would be not far behind her. She was certain to say to her something like, 'There's the damned tiger again.'
....Her footsteps approaching from behind preceded Mae Lee's exclamation, "There's the damned tiger again!" She held out a small piece of paper to her. "I received this e-mail about an twenty minutes ago. I just printed it from one of the terminals in the lobby before you began to speak."
....Rhonda gasped as she read the coded message from Dr. Rheinberg. It looked like her and Mae Lee's conclusions were probably correct. Dream Lover was up and running.

He had been holed up in a small cabin in Kentucky when the e-mail reached him. He grimaced as he pored over the "entertainment list." It seemed that the warnings of Dr. Rheinberg had turned out to be quite prophetic.
....Although they had taken precautions, Fritz had somehow learned what he had been doing. His self-imposed exile to the remote hideaway had not disguised the fact that he'd been experimenting with Dream Lover again. Somewhere along the line he must have slipped up and not covered his tracks.
....He spread the map on the table before him and using a yellow highlight pen drew a line from his location north to Cincinnati. He estimated that it would take him about an hour and a half to drive there. He nodded with approval as he began to formulate a drastic change in his original plans.
....He opened the desk drawer and pulled out an envelope containing several fake IDs and driver's licenses. Flipping through them, he pulled out the ones identifying him as 'Herbert Jennings.'

Misty paced back and forth in the seedy hotel room. The place made her skin crawl. This was not the lifestyle to which she was accustomed. Stars lived in luxury - not in squalor.
....She stopped and stood before the full-length mirror. She opened her robe and cupped her small breasts. Frowning she pulled the robe over her body. Yes, she was a star all right - the featured attraction at an all-nude strip club! That's all she'd ever be with her small boobs.
....Then that undercover vice cop walked into the club twenty minutes ago. Her boy friend Jimmy had brought him to see her. He was investigating the police report they had filed several months before. Even though the case had been closed, the man said new evidence had surfaced.
....He spirited them out of the club and brought them to the hotel. He'd said the two of them were in grave danger. Misty wasn't even allowed to dress. The cop told her to throw a robe over her g-string, because there wasn't much time.
....The cop said that the man they'd mentioned in the report was an important man. He was important enough that he would gladly pay some big bucks, like maybe a hundred grand, for the whole incident to be forgotten.
....She locked the door as the cop had instructed. All she had to do was to wait until he and Jimmy returned with the money. She couldn't imagine that much money. A hundred grand! She was going to get the best looking boobs in the whole world!

His face was expressionless as he watched the stripper's boy friend walk down the deserted street carrying a baseball bat. He put the car into gear the moment Jimmy entered one of the most notorious projects in Cincinnati.
....He heard at least four or five shots ring out as he distanced himself from the vicinity. It would have to be one sick, stupid bastard to go marching around in that neighborhood proclaiming that he was taking over. Well, that sick man had just developed a terminal case of dead. He returned the cell phone to his breast pocket.
....A smug smile etched his mouth. His performance as a vice cop had gone rather well. He'd pulled it off without a hitch. Of course, the dim-witted boy friend's only brains were behind his zipper. What about the bimbo? She was a nugget or two short of a Happy Meal. All she wanted was money and a bigger set of knockers. He was going to see that she got all that was coming to her.
....He pulled up to the curb opposite the hotel. He closed his eyes to evoke memory of the notes he taken regarding the stripper. Ah yes, it seemed that she had turned down a considerable raise when the club manager had suggested she use a boa constricter in her act. The girl was deathly afraid of snakes.
....He punched in a phone number on the keyboard of his cell phone. He wondered how she would react to a roomful of snakes? There was only one way to find out. She wanted a hundred grand, eh? He'd give her a hundred grand worth of snakes.
....The papers the next day would feature a story about an exotic dancer leaping to her death, a probable suicide victim, from a twelfth floor hotel window. Of course, there would be no trace of her perceived snakes. She would be just another hapless soul with dreams to die for.

To be continued... Chapter 6

No.860

Perchance To Dream (4)

( This is the fourth installment of a story which begins here.)

Chapter 4: Dream Lover

Mae Lee blinked her eyes. She felt like she had just awakened from a long nap. She had her cellphone in her hand. She gasped as she realized she was standing completely nude beside the bed.
....Rhonda felt the phone in her grasp. She was startled as she realized she was naked. As she became more aware of her surroundings she saw Mae Lee on the other side of the bed. She appeared to be in the same state of confusion as she.
....For several moments they ignored each other, looking around the room for someone else. Their moist bodies glistened in the glare of the overhead lights. In unison they sighed in a show of satisfied fulfillment.
....Rhonda was the first to break the silence, "Wh-where did he go?"
...."I don't know. He was just here. We were .." Mae Lee became quiet again.
....Their eyes fell upon the bed. The blanket lay crumpled on the floor. The sheets were disheveled. Then once again, they suddenly became aware of their nakedness. Mae Lee hurried off to the other room as Rhonda knelt down to pick up her discarded underwear.
....Fifteen minutes passed before Mae Lee reemerged, fully dressed, from the other room. Rhonda, also dressed, nodded in her direction. The discussion they were about to have, and a serious discussion was in order, was going to be uncomfortable at best.

He had broken the cellphone connection before the women had started to dress. They were going to be occupied for some time trying to figure out what had happened to them. Then again, he could have "turned" them on for another round.
....He glanced at the hundreds of pedestrians ambling along Michigan Avenue as the cab sped away from The Loop. He mused at the fun he could have if he only had the cellphone numbers of any of them. He could make that traffic cop drop his pants and moon the passing cars. He could make that man in the three-piece suit dance a jig. He glanced at the back of the cabbie and grinned. What if he "convinced" him to shut off the fare meter?
....He became more serious, for he had yet a lot to accomplish. "See Dick and Jane play," he thought. So far he had seen the "Janes" at play, but now it was time to bring the "Dicks" into the game. None of this would have been possible if it weren't for the work of those four students ten years ago.
....He patted the briefcase next to him. There was a lot more of that out there, and he was going get all of it he could. It wouldn't be long before he was sitting on a tropical beach sipping on one those rum drinks with the little umbrellas. Hell, with all this power, he could own the beach.
....Once the four of them were together in one place, he was going to make sure that it was their first and last reunion. There was another matter, however, that had to be taken care of first. Once in Cincinnati, he would have to place a phone call to a certain professor, one Dr. F. Rheinberg.

The address on the e-mail was unmistakable. He quickly printed it and immediately deleted the original from his in-box. It was in code. There were only five people who would be able to translate this particular encrypted message. He read it one more time to be certain of its hidden meaning.

Here is the entertainment list as promised.
Songs: Dream Lover, Eye Of The Tiger, Help Me Rhonda, Stagger Lee, Up On The Roof, Ohio
Cartoon: Milton The Monster
Films: Fritz The Cat, Big Trouble In Little China, The Love Bug

He then fished a lighter out his pocket and lit the corner of the printed text. He dropped it into the empty trash can next to the desk and watched as it was reduced to ashes.
....Dream Lover was the name he had given to the software he had developed. The original program had been activated by an ultrasonic recording of the song Eye Of The Tiger. Two of the songs, Help Me Rhonda and Stagger Lee were obvious references to their project partners Rhonda and Mae Lee. The last place they had been together before they went their separate ways was Up On The Roof of an abandoned warehouse in Cincinnati, Ohio.
....He never liked the nick name, Milton The Monster that Rhonda had given him. It was only natural that Mae Lee's pet name for Herbert would evolve from Herbie to The Love Bug. Their mentor's initialized first name had resulted in his disdain for the name. He was not a happy camper the first time he'd overheard them referring to him as Fritz the Cat.
....It was the remaining film title that worried him. With Rheinberg present, they had all agreed that the their project would end ten years ago. If their notes, the software and specialized equipment ever fell into the wrong hands, or if it was ever used again by any of them, nothing good would come of it. The world was not ready for a fool-proof method of thought transferral, mind reading, or mind control. Dream Lover could do all that and more.
....Big Trouble In Little China meant that Dream Lover had been activated by someone. That wasn't good. He had plenty of vacation time due him, it was time to use it. It looked like the old gang was about to have an unscheduled reunion in Cincinnati.

Propped by his elbows, Dr. Rheinberg lowered his forehead into his hands. For several minutes he had been sending the encrypted message to the others. He had hoped that it would never have to be sent.
....He blamed himself. He had honored his students' wishes and locked away everything related to Dream Lover. He had warned them of the inherent danger. He'd told them that every trace of it should have been destroyed.
....It was a magnificent achievment that his prized students had accomplished. It was a shame that they could not publish their findings. As magnificent as it was, its possibilities were far more monstrous.
.... He shook his head and clinched his fists in anguish. He looked in forlorn defeat at the ransacked filing cabinets. Only two days before, he had returned from a two-month vacation overseas to find that his house had been burglarized. Not that it mattered any longer, but this had not been a random break in. He was certain that the perpetrator had been looking for a specific thing.
....Every folder! The notes and equations! The dictated tapes decribing test results! The software! Everything! Even his password! Gone! It was all gone!
....His thoughts were broken by the twitter of his cellphone. He placed the phone to his ear and spoke, "Dr. Rheinberg. How can I..."
....He relaxed as a high-pitched version of a song familiar to him began to emanate through the speaker of the phone. He sat there, a trance-like glaze in his eyes. An imperceptible charge of electronic particles entered into the deep recesses of his subconscious mind.
....He eyed the cellphone in his hand curiously. He shrugged, placed it on the desk before him and rose from the chair. He walked into the kitchen and turned on the four burners on the gas range. He inhaled deep and then exhaled long and hard. The pilot lights were extinguished within seconds.
....He returned to his desk and placed a CD into the player there. He selected the desired track and eased back into the chair. Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries wafted through his den. It was his favorite piece of music. Nothing relaxed him more than listening to the stirring music as he enjoyed a pleasant smoke from his favorite meerschaum pipe.
....The pipe packed with fresh tobacco, he positioned the lighter above the bowl. He seemed unaware of the strong aroma of natural gas...

From an outdoor coffee shop across the street he could hear the rousing music. He closed the laptop at the same instant as the explosion. He looked up in time to see a thirty-foot ball of flame burst forth from the corner apartment. Windows shattered in several of the facing buildings, so powerful the blast.
....He placed the phone into his breast pocket and picked up the computer. He was two blocks away from the carnage as the first of the fire engines screamed by.
....He grinned and said, "I hope they remembered the marshmallows!" He broke into a hearty laugh as he rounded the corner out of sight of the conflagration.

To be continued... Chapter 5

No.859

When Rhinos Fly

We interrupt that intriguing story with some light-hearted fare...

....It will give the few who have been riveted to their screens a day to absorb the suspensful drama that has been unfolding upon their screens.
....Also, it will give the author a chance to absorb what he has written so far. While the readers are wondering where the tale is heading, the author is wondering the same thing.
....Besides, he needed a "little" bit of sustenance. A simple burger was on tonight's menu.

So, when is the story going to be completed, you might ask? Why...when rhinos fly, of course!
....According to The Animal Planet, the scheduled take-off for the resumption of the story will be tomorrow, 1/10/07.

Screwy Thoughts

You don't have to be a politician to know that our country must stop all the wasteful Federal spending.
--However, we can't lay-off members of the Congress! Can we?

The other night as I was aimlessly clicking the remote and ultimately running the gamut of 250 channels, I sat back and pondered:

--"If I had a nickle for every hour I've spent watching that mindless TV set ..
...I'd have enough money to buy one of those HD Plasma sets!"

When it comes to sex, why is "doggie style" so popular?

I guess it all comes down to the pursuit of the Big-O, doesn't it?
Did you know there are many forms of orgasms?

ORGASMS WITH A TWIST

Sex while cleaning the house - chore-gasms.
Sex in a boat - oar-gasms.
Sex with a nerd - dork-gasms.
Sex at the house entrance - door-gasms.
Sex on carpet or linoleum - floor-gasms.
Sex at the supermarket - store-gasms.
Sex at a Steven King Movie - horror-gasms.
Sex with a prostitute - whore-gasms.
Sex with an accountant - bore-gasms.
Sex while sleeping - snore-gasms.
Sex with 4WD drivers - four-on-the-floorgasms.
Sex with a salesmen - door-to-doorgasms.
Sex with a virgin - my-hymen-got-torgasms.
Premature ejaculators have - beforegasms.
Sex with 'Arthur' - Dudley Moore-gasms.
Sex with cartoon donkeys - Eeyore-gasms.
Sex while broke - poor-gasms.
Sex with a lion - roar-gasms.
Sex for hours and hours on end - sore-gasms.
Sex on a golf course - fore-gasms.
Sex with a nymphomaniac - more-gasms.
Sex in a gold mine - ore-gasms.
Sex with a dermatologist - pore-gasms.
Sex with a politician - Al Gore-gasms.
Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers - s'more-gasms.
Sex with a bullfighter - toreador-gasms.
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword - zorro-gasms.
Sex on the beach - shore-gasms.
Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet - smorgasbord-gasms.
Sex on a cruise ship deck - shuffleboard-gasms.
Sex in Asia - Singapore-gasms.
Sex among the wonders of nature - outdoor-gasms.
Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can - odor-gasms.
Sex on the way to the train - 'All Aboard'-gasms.
Sex that wasn't very satisfying - 'There's the door'-gasms.
Sex in an adult theater - hard-core-gasms.
Sex with someone who's not paying attention - ignore-gasms.
Sex with a competitive partner - score-gasms.
Sex while flying - soar-gasms.
Sex with a beloved partner - adore-gasms.
Sex with a meat-eater - carnivore-gasms.
Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo - pompadour-gasms.
Sex with someone who's got bad taste in clothes - velour-gasms.
Sex while travelling - tour-gasms.
Sex with a big dog - Labrador-gasms.
Sex with Beavis and Butthead - 'GonnaScore'-gasms.
Sex on stairs at the mall - escalator-gasms.
Sex with three of your friends - four-gasms.
Sex with a Norse God - Thor-gasms.
Sex when resistance is futile - Borg-gasms.

No.858

Perchance To Dream (3)

( This is the third installment of a story which begins here.)

Chapter 3: Mind Rape

They stepped out of the elevator onto the 17th floor. Rhonda stood motionless staring at the cell phone she was holding. Then she heard Mae Lee's voice a step behind her, "What the hell? That's the second time today," she exclaimed.
....Rhonda turned to her and saw that her friend seemed to be in as much of a quandary as she.
....Mae Lee averted her attention from her cell phone to the one in Rhonda's hand. She asked, "You too?"
....They had come to the same conclusion. As crazy as it seemed, random but yet identical events had been afflicting both of them. Coincidences just didn't happen in bunches and certainly not to two different people at virtually the same time. Their shared consternation had to be discussed and analyzed.
....Once inside the room, the women began to pace about. First, one would stop in mid stride and ask a question of the other. The other would then do the same.
....Rhonda began to cite the incidents they had in common, counting them off on her fingers. "First, we both have found ourselves holding our cell phones - twice, and having no recollection of using them." She looked in Mae Lee's direction, noting that she was nodding in agreement. She touched a second finger and continued, "Secondly, both of us had strong feelings that we were being watched. And third, both of us had orgasms in crowded public places."
....Mae Lee said, "Don't forget the tiger."
...."Excuse me," Rhonda pondered, "Well yes, we both were somewhat interested in the tiger on that poster. Although, I doubt there is any connection."
...."True, I'm sure there isn't," Mae Lee affirmed. The expression on her face however, suggested she wasn't totally convinced.
....For several minutes both grew silent. Rhonda noticed that Mae Lee was looking around the room with a worried look on her face. She found herself glancing about also.
....Rhonda whispered, "Are you thinking that we are being watched right now?"

In a less opulent room elsewhere in the hotel, he sat before the inactive screen contemplating the flashing cursor. He arched an eyebrow as an unseen fist rapped three times upon the door. He glanced at his watch and rose from the chair. His visitor was right on time.
...."Come in, Mr. ..ah.. Smith," he said as he reached out to shake the extended hand of his guest. He didn't fail to catch sight of the briefcase at his side.
....Smith strode past him into the room. He stopped before the desk and eyed the simple laptop sitting there. "This is your merchandise? I was expecting something more .." he paused as if carefully measuring his choice of word.
...."Sophisticated?" He offered.
...."Yes. Sophisticated," Smith acknowledged. "You did promise a more convincing demonstration this time, did you not?"
....He motioned the man to one of the chairs facing the desk. "So I did. So shall you be convinced."
....He picked up one of a pair of what appeared to be hearing aids and positioned it into his ear and watched as Smith copied his actions. He explained to the man that the objects were wireless receptors linked directly to the software. Because of a post-hypnotic command sent to the minds of the targeted individuals via his cell phone to their cell phones, a sub-program would then kick in. At that point there was a direct link mind-to-mind.
....He explained that he himself didn't fully understand the human brain, but he felt comfortable in surmising that the neurons and synapses were of an electrical nature. Somehow those electric processes could be manipulated electronically. The computer before them acted like a transmitter and receiver. Once the system was activated they would be able to "experience" what the targets were experiencing.
....He concluded his dissertation saying, "Mr. Smith, in your mind you are going to see, hear, feel and even taste any sensation they think they are experiencing."
...."As we speak, my girls are primed and ready, Mr. Smith. All I have left to do is to press that "enter" key to give them the signal. And voila! My friend, you will be practicing mind rape." He smiled and said, "Say, why don't I give you the honors?"
....A sly smirk manifested itself on Smith's face. He reached for the keyboard and without hesitation depressed the designated key.

Changing clothes in one room and her friend in the other, Mae Lee stiffened. For no apparent reason she felt herself becoming aroused. She dropped the clean panties she was about to don to the floor. She didn't know why, but suddenly she felt so horny. She turned and move toward the door to the other room.
....Rhonda stood tense for a moment. She maneuvered her hand beneath the front of her panties and touched herself. She glanced at the closed door and thought of her friend behind it. She pushed the panties down her long legs and stepped out of them. She hadn't felt this horny in a long time.
....They smiled lustily at each other as Mae Lee thrust the door open. They both ran their tongues across their lips in wanton passion as they marveled at the sight of the other's naked body.
....Rhonda wanted no part of foreplay at that moment. She reached down and grabbed the fully aroused manhood even as his hands landed upon her breasts.
....Mae Lee melted into the strong arms. His erect member was pulsing against her stomach. She wanted him. She needed it.

Smith removed the earpiece and glared at the man. "What the hell? I see two lezzies going at it. What are you trying to pull here?"
....The man stood and laughed. "That was a little surprise I planned for you."
...."Surprise? Look, I've seen hundreds of broads making it before. What's so special about those two?" Smith was visibly angry.
...."Mr. Smith, in your business .. you prefer Adult Entertaiment and not porn, correct, sir?" Smith seemed willing to listen so he went on, "The broads you so lovingly mention are actresses. It's their jobs to get it on before a camera."
...."I know my business, pal."
....He held up an open hand in front of Smith, "You see, those two women think the other is a man. That was part of the command I sent to their minds. Those two are not acting! They both actually believe they are seeing, touching and about to screw their idea of the perfect man.
....You and I weren't "seeing" what they think they are seeing, that is, what they were told to see."
....Smith sat back down and after thinking a moment said, "This thing would work on men too? You could make a dude think another dude is a broad?"
....When the man nodded he returned the earpiece to his ear. "I gotta see more of this thing in action." As he made himself more comfortable he looked over his shoulder and said, "You got yourself a deal." He opened the briefcase and displayed the neatly packed twenties. "Here's the million bucks we agreed upon."
....Unnoticed the man had pressed another key while Smith had been ranting. Right on cue Smith's cellphone rang. When he raised the phone to his ear, the other man moved away from the desk.
....He was unfazed as the gun fired point-blank into Smith's brain. He took satisfaction in the fact that he had moved far enough across the room to avoid any of the splattered blood and gray matter that had spewed from the man's head.
....He looked down upon Smith's slumped body. "Dumbass! You stupid bastard, I would have thought you'd have known the difference between a gun and a phone." He broke into a hearty laugh.
....After wiping off everything in the room that he might have touched, he wasted no time in gathering all of the equipment and the briefcase. He opened the door and closed it behind him. He had to make him self scarce for the time being.

To be continued ...Chapter 4

No.857

Perchance To Dream (2)

(This is the second installment of the story. Chapter one can be found here. )

Chapter 2: See You In Your Dreams

Mae Lee hated flying, and the turbulent flight to Chicago had only reinforced that feeling. She would have passed on that year's Psychiatry Convention had she not learned that an old friend was to be the keynote speaker. Dr. Rhonda Fisher had distinguished herself as the country's leading authority on dream interpretation. Mae Lee found herself torn. A part of her was like a nervous fan seeking an autograph from a rock star. On the other hand, she was excited to be reunited with a friend she hadn't seen in over ten years.
....She returned her cell pull to her purse. That's odd, she thought, she didn't remember using it.
....As she retrieved her luggage she felt a sudden warmth stirring within her. Some forgotten memory began to resurface. Her faced flushed in shame. She looked around nervously. There was a feeling that she was being watched. She could have sworn that she'd heard someone call out her name. As quickly as they had appeared, the sensations passed. The cab ride from the airport to downtown was without further incident.

Rhonda smiled as her finger which had been tracing a path down the list of attendees came to rest upon a familiar name. It would be good to see Mae Lee again. It had been too long since they'd last seen each other.
....Using the hand clutching her cell phone, she brushed a stray strand of hair from her eyes. Perplexed, she stared momentarily at the phone. She whispered through pursed lips, "What am I doing holding this?" Thinking no more about it, she dropped it into her jacket pocket.
....She turned and scanned the crowd of people milling about in the main reception room. Was she being watched? She thought someone had spoken her name. A sudden wave of emotions came over her causing her to shudder in embarrassment.
....Her eyes focused on a large poster near the entrance to the hall advertising the arrival of the circus to the Windy City. The sign featured a rather prominent Bengal tiger in the forefront of a Big Top background.

His last call completed, he flipped the phone and placed it into his breast pocket. He grinned and for his personal amusement said aloud, "Reach out and touch someone!"
....He stood before the mirror and straightened his tie. Satisfied with his appearance, he moved over to the desk and opened the laptop. Things were indeed looking up he thought as sat down before the device. As the computer's start-up processes came to a halt he began to chant, "My kind of town...Chicago is.."
....He deftly typed in the password: "eye-of-the-tiger."

"Mae Lee!" Rhonda shouted over the sea of heads between them. Both were beaming as they made eye contact. From separate directions the two women weaved through the gauntlet of humanity. Just managing to avoid a collision they embraced one another, tears of happiness forming in their eyes.
....It took a few minutes more for then to make the arduous trek away from the crowded center of the hall. Finally, they found room to move and bit of privacy near the entrance. They had stopped in front of the circus poster. For several moments the pair seemed transfixed by the eyes of the big cat.
...."Is it me, or is there something strange about that tiger?" Rhonda asked turning to face Mae Lee.
...."Strange?" Her friend replied, "I don't see anything ..." Her voice trailed off for a brief moment, "And yet..."
....Rhonda shrugged, "Hey! we have a lot of catching up to do. It has been a little over ten years."
....Mae Lee nodded, "Yes, much too long!"
...."So," began Rhonda, "Speaking of tigers, have you any exciting men in your life? Anybody special?"
...."No. I'm afraid there are no men," she said pointing at the poster, "And no tigers or pussy cats, for that matter."
....Rhonda smiled knowingly, "Same here. There's just me and my magic missile."
....Mae Lee giggled, "I guess the two of us don't have the time to have a man hanging around."
...."Alas, we've both become pocket rocket scientists. Analyze that, huh?" Rhonda replied.
....Mae Lee began to feel uncomfortable and said to Rhonda, "I'm sorry, but I really need to find someplace to freshen up a bit."
...."Surely," Rhonda responded. "Now that you mention it, I could stand a change myself. I have a suite upstairs, you're welcome of course."
....Mae Lee smiled, "That's sweet. I have to grab my suitcase from the coat room first."
....Shortly, as the elevator began its ascent, Mae Lee spoke. "I have a rather embarrassing confession to make, Rhonda." Assured that she had her friend's attention she continued, "On the way here .. at the airport .. at baggage claim .." she grew silent and lowered her head.
....Rhonda looked quizzically at her and said, "It's okay. I promise I won't try to psychoanalyze you. Please, continue."
....Mae Lee took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "In the middle of that baggage claim area ..without any stimulus, I had a climax. My God, I came in a public place, Rhonda!"
....Her mouth agape, Rhonda could not believe what she was hearing. What were the odds? She cleared her throat and uttered , "Me too. The same thing happened to me!"
....Mae Lee's eyes widened in surprise. Rhonda pointed in the direction of the floor of the car. "Yes, it's true. Right down there in the middle of that floor - surrounded by all those people!"

A lone man sat a table across the room from the elevator bank. He tugged at his tie as he produced a cell phone from his breast pocket and placed it next to a running laptop. His fingers danced across the keyboard.
....He looked up at the elevator door through which the two women had departed. He grinned and in triumph said, "Let the games begin!"
....He nodded in approval as the screen before him came to life. "See you in your dreams."

To be continued... Chapter 3

No.856