I Have a Hundred Grand!*

No, I wasn't fooled by Opie on the radio that I had won $100,000. I didn't even win the candy bar.

It took 2 years, 332 days and 1200 posts for my site meter to roll over to 100,000 hits.

I thought it might happen in the middle of next month and come close to the 20th of January, which will be my third Blog-aversary. I was off because my daily average hits have doubled since Thanksgiving.

REDNECK EMERITUS
Who'd have thunk a Redneck-turned-Yankee could achieve such nose-bleed heights? Well, I can't really take too much credit, for all the readers who either stumbled upon this site or those few who keep coming back for more, are the ones who kept that meter turning.

12 Days Of Redneck Christmas

On the 12 days of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
A 12 pack of Bud
11 rasslin' tickets
10 tins of Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
The Worst Gifts (You'll Give Anyway)
(Click on links for description and picture)

10. The Man Catcher Voodoo Kit
9. The Handi-Cleanse Personal Bidet
8. The Bulge
7. The Razorba Back Shaver
6. Bubbles Butt Lifting Lingerie
5. Anal Bleaching Cream
4. The Hardness Factor
3. The Strippers Guide To Looking Great Naked
2. A Nose Hair Trimmer
...and the worst gift idea for this Christmas is:
1. Cross Dress for Success
Ladies: The Ideal Gift For the Man in Your Life(A big screen TV, just don't hog the remote)

Guys: The Ideal Gift For the Woman in Your Life(From the makers of Tickle Me Elmo - Eat Me Elmo )

* ( This post is rated serious, funny and "R." )

No.1201

Signs of Christmas

Retailers want your business. One way to lure us into their establishments is to run tempting sales. Evidence of this can be seen in circulars, advertising, and of course, signs in their windows.

Signs of Christmas Everywhere

Toy Store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here."

Bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."

Outside a church: "The original Christmas Club."

At a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd."

A Texas jewelry store: "Diamond tiaras -- $70,000. Three for $200,000. "

A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas."

In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything... a calendar to remind him when payments are due."

Other Signs of Christmas

Christmas Wish Lists


Home Made Ginger Bread Men


Sugar Plums


Folks Wintering in Florida


Snowmen


Frigid Weather


No.1200

It Was Snow Fun At All

By 10:30 this Sunday morning I found myself in a tundra-like environment. In a 72-hour period Old Man Winter had unleashed another storm with blizzard conditions. It was a classic Nor'easter. Overnight we were hit with six inches of wind driven snow and temperatures in the low twenties. Though there was only six additional inches, the snow was blown in high dune-like drifts against the banks of the previously shoveled 12 inches which had fallen on Thursday.

Unlike the previous storm which caught most of us at work when it began, everyone was home snug in their beds when this one roared across the region. As such, my neighborhood was alive with the sounds of shovels scraping driveways and sidewalks. Louder still were the rumbling echoes of the snow blowers.

With so much activity the surrounding residents

not only labored on their own properties ...

... but also helped their neighbors:


The various snow blowers in the neighborhood

were of different makes and manufacturers.

They came in many sizes and shapes.

The following picture is one of the more

interesting snow blowers I've ever seen:



One man was certainly very creative.

He cleverly figured out a way to prevent the snow

thrown from his machine blowing back in his face:


As forecast, by 11AM the snow began changing over to sleet. By 1PM it changed over to rain. By the time, my driveway and sidewalks cleared, I was inside settling in to watch the Patriots host the Jets. The rain will be changing into a freezing rain and I understand that that the temperature will be dropping into the single digits overnight. This is expected to create a flash freeze.

Tomorrow morning with everything covered in a coat of rock-hard ice, I suspect I will again be involved in some kind of labor intensive activity to remove traces of a winter storm.

I realize Mother Nature is paying us back for last winter. For the record, we have already received more snow that we did for entire winter last year.

I tell you, it's snow fair. It's snow fun at all!

No.1199

Walking the Walk, Talking the Talk & Squawking the Squawk

Earlier tonight I had the TV tuned in to a soft rock music station with the volume turned down low ... my eyes were closed ... my head was empty of thought ... just relaxing.

SQUAAAAAWK! I nearly jumped out of my skin!

"This has been a random test of the Emergency Broadcasting System. If this had been an actual emergency ..."

Had I any heavy object close at hand, there would have been an actual emergency. Any thing in my line of fire, television screen not withstanding, there would have been some damage to something. Luckily the remote wasn't in my lap. Its mute button is absolutely useless when that public service message is aired.

I have had enough emergencies over the past week, and at that particular moment I certainly didn't need their friggin' test! The emergencies of which I speak, however, were weather related. For the second time this week our region is under a severe weather watch and emergency parking advisories were in effect.

(Now that I was wide awake, I noticed that the program I had been recording on my DVR was over. I had been recording one station while tuning in to one of the music channels. My plan was to watch the recorded show later that evening. I decided that I might as well watch it earlier, why wait? I readied it to play and thought I'd try to first come on line and put up a post on my blog.)

Let's see, on Tuesday we were advised of a fast approaching storm. That storm was forecast to hit after the rush hour traffic on Wednesday and was projected to drop 2 to 6 inches of snow before turning to rain after midnight. In reviewing the scorecard for the local meteorologists, the storm hit us at 1:00 PM and at times dumped snow at a rate of between 2 and 3 inches an hour.

At 1:30 I noticed that driving conditions were becoming hazardous and decided to head home. Although I was only a mere drive of fifteen minutes from my house under normal conditions, it was 3:45 when I finally pulled into our driveway - two hours and fifteen minutes to drive five miles!

Before it turned dark I gassed up the snow blower and crossed my fingers it would start without too much effort. By that time we had already amassed about 6 inches. In just under an hour I had the driveway and the sidewalk cleared. So on Wednesday night I went to bed just after midnight. It was still snowing. Since the weather man had said it would turn to rain, I went to sleep thinking the worst thing I would wake up to was a coating of ice.

(Oh ye of too much faith!) Thursday morning I awoke to - 12 inches of snow crusted with a layer of ice. Thanks to another six inches during the wee hours and the snow plows "impeccable" work, I had my work cut out for me. The end of the driveway was blocked with a three-foot high, ten-foot wide mountainous ridge of snow and ice.

It would be 12:30 before I finally left the house for work, versus the usual 9:30 start. Driving conditions weren't too bad, but finding parkings spaces was the real challenge. Not many driveways were clear. Most streets were narrowed to half because of cars still buried where they'd been parked the night before.

By the time I completed the remainder of the week's schedule, I was left with five clients, four from Wednesday and one from Thursday, that had to be made up today, Saturday. The day went okay without a hitch and i was home by 5 o'clock PM.

That brings us back to where this post opened, me in my recliner tuned to a music channel. It was a long Saturday capping off a long week. Now that I have something posted, I'm off to watch ( Can you believe it?) a special about the melting polar ice cap and the vanishing environment of an endangered species, the polar bear. After that, I'll watch the movie I recorded.

No.1198

BLOG EDIT (Sunday,12/16/07, 8:30 AM) What the hell am I doing up at 8:30 on a Sunday morning anyway? I think my wife thinks I don't deserve to sleep in after last night.

(This post originally ended with the last sentence before the blue post number. It was at that point that I was going to retire to my Lazy Boy to watch the program I was recording before I was rudely interrupted.)

So there I was at about 10:30 PM Saturday night settled in watching one of my favorite funny movies of all time, The Party (starring Peter Sellers). About halfway through I had to answer that certain "call of the wild." My wife was asleep so I quietly crept to the bathroom to take care of business.

When ... SQUAAAAAWK! All hell broke loose! The dogs were barking! My wife was yelling! I was "washing" the inside of the toilet seat and lid! "This has been a random test of the Emergency Broadcasting System. If this had been an actual emergency ..."

Yep, that "test" had also been broadcast on the station where I was recording the movie. Naturally it was blaring at about three times the decibel level of the movie.

I snapped the disc in half. (I guess if I want a copy of that movie bad enough, I'd better fork over the bucks and buy a copy.)

This is the end of an emergency edit to this blog about the Emergency Broadcasting System that almost created an emergency last night.

Of Citizens and Congressmen

Tis Better to give than to receive?

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as How to Improve Your Business and Becoming More Successful.

Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.






















The reason Mr. Potato Head has interchangeable parts.

A little boy hurt his finger on a rose stem and ran crying into the house to show his mother his boo-boo.
"Oh," she said, "let me get a Band-Aid for that."
"No!" cried the boy. "Cider!"
"Cider?" the mother asked. "What on earth do you want cider for?"
"Because," he explained, "sis says whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she likes to put it in cider."



Let 'Em Blow!
(sung to the tune of
Let It Snow!)

Oh the debates on TV are frightful,
Mute buttons are so delightful;
There's nothing else to watch so
Let 'em blow! Let 'em blow! Let 'em blow!

Oh they don't show signs of stopping,
And I'm tired of all the flip-flopping;
The volume's turned way down low
Let 'em blow! Let 'em blow! Let 'em blow!

They don't show signs of quitting,
What they're saying the fan it's hitting;
The volume's turned way down low
Let 'em blow! Let 'em blow! Let 'em blow!

When I finally change the channel,
I hate when newsmen are discussing
The candidates in their small panel,
All the way to bed I'll be cussing.

The time is slowly passing
And I fear they're still kiss-assing,
But as long as the volume's low
Let 'em blow! Let 'em blow! Let 'em blow!

No.1197

Christmas Tree Angel: the Untold Story

One particular Christmas season, a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip. But there were problems. Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves just weren't working out.

Things got worse when Mrs. Claus told him her mother was coming to visit. Then, when he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth. Two others had jumped the fence and were out carousing, heaven knows where.

When he went to load the sleigh, one of the side boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, scattering the toys. Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey, but when he opened the cupboard, he discovered the elves had apparently had a party, and there was nothing left to drink.

Just as he accidentally dropped the coffee pot, breaking it in hundreds of little pieces, the doorbell rang. Santa opened the door, cursing beneath his breath, and there stood a beautiful little angel with an enormous, perfectly shaped Christmas Traditions Christmas tree. "Merry Christmas Santa," the angel said. "Isn't it just a lovely day to be alive? Look! I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Santa Freud

....A psychiatrist loved playing Santa Claus during the holidays. One day at the mall he began psycho-analyzing a group of four mothers with their four small children.
...."You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, " You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
....He turned to the second mother. "Your obsession is with money; Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
....He turns to the third mother. "Your obsession is alcohol. This manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
....At this point the fourth mother turns and takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving."

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

SCHIZOPHRENIA -
Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY -
We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA -
I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC -
Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA -
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA -
Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER -
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

DEPRESSION -
Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER-
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell... (YOU GET THE IDEA)

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE PERSONALITY-
The Twelve Days of Christmas
(don't make me repeat that again)

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY -
Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE -
Silent Night

No.1196

Diary of a Snow Shoveler

Swell! There is snow forecast tomorrow in the late afternoon/early evening. Just lovely. It might be an adventure getting home after work tomorrow. We could get two to six inches of the white stuff.

If that isn't bad enough, the meteorologists are projecting a real Nor'easter for Sunday evening into Monday morning. We could possibly wake up to two feet of the crap! It looks like getting to work on Monday might be an adventure!

Whatever we receive in snowfall tomorrow through Friday and Sunday through Monday, we'll have to live with it. Admittedly, in the Boston area, we have been fairly lucky and have been blessed with abnomally mild winters the last two years. We knew our luck had to change sooner or later.

The talk of snow reminded of an e-mail I received a couple of years ago. I rifled through my desk drawer and found a copy of it I had printed. Since I am a survivor of the great "Blizzard of '78," I can relate to the man narrating the following diatribe contained in that e-mail.

December 8:
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in
years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14:
Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway And sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in
case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my rear end on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like you can't believe. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. That dumb snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.

December 21:
Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crud fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to use the bathroom. By the time I got undressed, went, and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I'm sure he is lying.

December 23:
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24: 6".
Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a gun who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his ears. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for that snowplow.

December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the miserable slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to scream!

December 26:
Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28:
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE B***CH is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30:
Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches of snow predicted.

December 31:
Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8:
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
========
No.1195

Bush To Sue Santa Claus

("Borrowed" and edited from a Humor.com post.)

Bush Legal Team Sues
to Prevent Santa Recount
By S. Artist Reuters

Washington (Dec. 12) - Attorneys for President George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.

The suit, filed in the U.S. Supreme Court, asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."

"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now," said former Secretary James Baker. Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them under 'naughty' instead because "everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats."

Pres. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole." He went on to say that he has the full support of his father, former President George H. Bush.

"Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother just walked right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or nothing."

The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The "Million Man Mush" is scheduled to leave Friday. "We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said.

After a crowbar had been used to remove her lips from Barack Obama's rectum, Oprah Winfrey chimed in on the issue. Said Winfrey, "If I were to check once and even twice the titles on my Book List, why there would be no titles at all there." Her "mouthpiece" refused comment.

Self-proclaimed domestic goddess, Martha Stewart, said she would be happy to review the list. She stated that Santa's list should be transcribed onto an expensive silk woven stationery and then bound into book form with pink lace ribbons.

Meanwhile, Vice President Dick Cheney issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony she's asked for. Cheney was reported as having invited Santa to his ranch to take in some pheasant hunting.

Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but an spokeself said he was "deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him.

"He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho' for days," said the spokeself. "He's just not feeling jolly."

A weary nation can relate.

For your amusement, here is list of actual "Bushisms" gathered together in the form of a poem.

Make the Pie Higher

I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen and uncertainty
And potential mental losses.
Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the internet
Become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being and the fish can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope,
Where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!

Make the pie higher! Make the pie higher!

No.1194

Ice, Ice, Baby: A Lamentation

Last night we were hit with a winter storm that has swept across the country. While the Boston area was south of the snow line and north of the rain line, we were smack in the middle of the rain/sleet/ice part of the storm.

When the morning light broke there was a pretty, but sinister, shimmering effect on everything outside. The streets, sidewalks and stairs were coated with an eighth of an inch of hardened ice. The tree branches and the utility wires sagged under the added weight. Fotunately neither had succumbed and fallen.

I don't own a pair of ice skates, but I could have used them this morning while I was trying to remove the ice from the windshied and windows of my truck. With skates on my feet it would've been a lot less laborious task trying to turn the key in the lock to open the doors. The slightest pressure of my upper body caused my feet to slide freely in angles and directions for which they weren't designed.

When I looked skyward and yelled at the perpetrator of the storm, "Kiss my ass," it was the driveway that eagerly obliged. To say that my gluteus maximus and the asphalt of my driveway had several intimate moments, would be putting it lightly.

Since I had put the cart before the horse, I finally corrected that mistake and retrieved the ice melt. While my backside and driveway were maintaining their intimacy I scattered the ice melt the length of the driveway.

When I was able to stand and walk about I ended the torrid affair of driveway and buttocks. I was fortunate that nothing more than my pride was harmed or bruised. With the aid of an extension cord running from a window plugged into a hair dryer, I was able to get the drivers side door open. It took only five minutes for the defroster to start melting the ice caked on the windshield.

It was 10:45am when I finally had the stairs and driveway pretty much cleared of ice. By the time I had gone inside and raised my inner body temperature by administering two cups of hot coffee, I was ready to head off to work. Would you believe it? The temperature by the time had risen and the street ice, coupled with passing traffic, had melted. So too it had happened with the driveway. DAMN IT! I could've slept in and still left athe house at the very same time!

Ice! What good is it? Ah, I can think of a practical use for ice. I think I'll set it to music - because - I feel a song parody forming in my head ...

Ice Cubes
( Sung to the tune of
Sleigh Ride )

Just hear those ice cubes jingle-ing, ring ting tingle-ing too;
Come on, barkeep another drink with ice cubes together with booze.
Inside the drunks are falling And friends are calling from the loo;
Come on, it's no bother for some more ice cubes together with booze

Belly-up! Belly-up! Belly-up, let's drink,
Don't pee in the sink.
We're imbibing in a wonderbar of drink.
Belly-up! Belly-up! Belly-up, it's fab
Just running up a tab,
We're hitting it off with some girl
Please call us a taxi cab.

Her cheeks are nice and rosy and comfy cozy are we;
We're snuggled up together like two birds of a feather would be.
Let's down the drink before us and then he'll pour us a few
Come on, it's no bother for more ice cubes together with booze.

There's a hap-happy hour party at the bar this evening;
It'll be so difficult for us to even think of leaving.
We'll be singing the songs we love to sing while we karaoke
On the barstools while we laugh as the barman tells a joke.
There's a drunken feeling like nothing I've ever found
When they pass around the tray holding the next round.

I'll tell my friends all of the things that we did for some high fives.
Those wonderful things are the things we remember all through our lives.

No.1193

The X-mas Files

Mulder's obsession with all things paranormal and all things related to alien visitation was peaked during the weeks leading up to Christmas. He had only recently correlated the similarities of crop circles and the more mysterious phenomenon that had been referred to as snow angels.

"You see, Scully," he said to his skeptical partner, "the same forces are at work in the urban backyards as those in the crop fields."

"Mulder, you're wrong. These are just the acts of kids playing in the snow," she replied. "Haven't you ever made a snow angel?"

"Of course not! I'd have to buy her a drink or two before getting intimate."

Scully shook her head and said, "Then how do explain the footprints around the snow angels? It's obvious that they were left behind from the boots of children."

"Not so fast, Scully," he chided shaking his finger at her. "Children? Why not small alien humanoids?"

"Mulder, look where these footprints lead ... right to that snowman," she said pointing into the yard behind him. "... A snowman that these children made after rolling in the snow. Surely you've made a snowman before."

He shook his head in defiance, "Don't be ridiculous. You know I'm heterosexual!"

Before she could respond he walked over to the house and peered into the window. The view inside was dominated by a large decorated tree. His eyes widened as he was overcome with a sudden epiphany. He turned his head and called over his shoulder, "Scully. Here's all the proof we need."

She moved beside him and faced the window. "A Christmas tree? You're friggin' nuts if you think I'm going to accept this as an X-mas File case because of a Christmas tree in someone's house!"

"Not the tree! Look. Up there ... on top of the tree!"

"Okay? It's an angel. Lots of people top off their trees with an angel, Mulder," she replied.

"Not an angel, Scully, but a woman dressed up as an angel." He turned and faced her and added, "...A shrunken woman!"

His partner was speechless as he turned and walked over to the impression in the snow. "Hear me out. The aliens must have killed the woman right here in this spot. Her struggles on the ground created what everyone, including yourself conveniently call a snow angel."

She tried to interject some reason into her partner, "Mulder! Do you realize what you're saying?"

He ignored her and continued, "Then they performed their terrible experiment on her. They not only shrunk the woman's corpse, Scully, but then they shoved a Christmas tree up her ass!"

He looked at her and smiled as he watched her mouth gape open in disbelief. No doubt the magnitude of his discovery was beginning to become apparent to her. She finally managed to speak, "Mulder, I don't know what to say."

"I know, Scully," he said hugging her, "you are speechless in light of my brilliant discovery." He led her in the direction of the snowman in the middle of the yard. "Finally, their mission done here, the aliens then erected this edifice in the shape of a snowman - a geographical marker to signal the Mother ship."

Scully shrugged her shoulders and sighed in defeat. She spoke almost whispering to him, "I suppose the partially eaten cookies and empty glass of milk on the table beside the tree were consumed by these ... ah ... aliens?"

His eyebrows raised in surprise, "No, Scully. Those were tampered with by those who want the X-mas Files shut down. They fear we are getting too close to the truth. They made it look like Santa Claus ate the cookies and drank the milk."

Suddenly Scully pointed skyward and announced, "Mulder. It's ... it's a UFO! It's coming this way!"

Mulder grabbed her arm and said, "I'm afraid not. That's no UFO."

The two of them stood still and watched in silent amazement as the object moved through the night sky. There were strange tingling sounds, almost bell-like. He could feel his red headed partner trembling next to him. "There, there now, Scully. There's no need to be afraid."

"Afraid?" she said replied, "Who's afraid? I'm freezing! I left my coat in the car and I'm not wearing any underwear under my dress."

Mulder remained stoic and said, "See, Scully. It's no UFO. It's an agency trick to keep us from the truth. A covert agency has fashioned a flying craft resembling a sleigh pulled by reindeer. The operator in red must be a radio controlled automaton. No doubt it is powered by radioactive isotopes to prevent it being detected by radar. The power source is leaving no heat signature - it cannot be tracked."

He grabbed her arm and pulled her from the yard. They hurriedly ducked into their hidden car across the street. They watched as the object descended and appeared to land on or near the house next door. They could hear what appeared to be a human voice speaking in single syllables.

Scully suddenly pushed the car door open and attempted to step outside. Mulder quickly grabbed her by the arm and pulled her back inside. "Damn it, Mulder. That automoton, or what ever it is, just called me a "Ho!"

Moments later the object took flight and disappeared from view. They sat still scanning the sky in vain. The object was nowhere to be seen.

"Are you still cold, Scully?" he asked of his partner. When she nodded he placed his arm around her shoulder. As they cuddled together he looked down at the hem of the short dress she was wearing and spoke again, "Did you say you weren't wearing any underwear under that dress?"

She looked at him and answered, "Yes. Why do you ask?"

He placed a finger beneath the edge of the dress and replied with a grin, "I guess then ... the truth must be under there."

No.1192

We Interrupt This Blog

Due to increasing pressure from Comcast, our cable TV, Internet Provider and phone company, we finally relented and had our telephone service switched over to digital. (It should be noted that it had to be done eventually because all analog service will be terminated by March of 2008.) It was do it now for free installation, or to wait until after the first of the year and pay $49.50. Since our cable and Internet were already digital, it only made since to have it done. All future bills for these services will all be on the same statement - one bill, one check.

It was a no-brainer, right? One would think so, wouldn't one? Murphy's Law: If something can go wrong, it will!

It seems that the router we were using was not of Comcast issue. The installer was able to make the switch of phone to digital with no problem. Since our Internet also goes through the same fiber optic lines as the phone, it was necessary for him to reprogram the modem. It would have been a simple task if he only had the password for the computer and thus access to the router. With the password in my head, which had accompanied the rest of my body to work that day (Friday), he was unable to do so.

The absence of a Friday 12-7 post here is the result. The oversight of not having the password available for the installer was - no Internet access on Friday and most of Saturday. Fortunately, our daughter just happens to be married to a Comcast technician. This afternoon he dropped by and got us up and running again.

I only had to endure one night of Internet withdrawal. What could be worse, no Internet, running out of coffee or running out of cigarettes? I'm pleased to say there were no DT's. I simply put on the TV, tuned into one of the must-see programs and promptly fell asleep!



We Pay A Lot Of Money
(sung to the tune of:
Mele Kalikimaka)

We pay a lot of money for the gifts we give
On a bright shiny new credit card,
Spending all our money we need to live
The interest will hit us hard.

Then we know after Christmas the rates will be high,
And month after month we pay all the while we cry.
We spend a lot of money, an expensive way
To say "Merry Christmas to you."

We pay a lot of money for the gifts sent your way
Just so you return them the very next day.
We hope that we don't meet at the return window,
Coz we don't want the giver to know.

Then we know after Christmas the rates will be high
And month to month we pay and we wonder why
We send a lot of money to the creditors
Who say, "Merry Christmas to you,
And remember the interest too."

"And very, very merry interest to us."

Santa Will Be De-Layed

It's Christmas Eve and Santa arrives at this beautiful young woman's apartment. She takes one look at Santa and decides that she needs to make love to Santa.

She says “Oh Santa, won't you stay the night?"

Santa replies, “HO, HO, HO, Gotta go! Gotta Go! Gotta deliver those toys, you know."

The young woman tries to tempt Santa again by letting down her long silky hair and begs, “Oh Santa, now won't you stay?"

Santa again replies, “HO, HO, HO, Gotta go! Gotta Go! Gotta deliver those toys, you know."

The young woman tries one last time. This time she opens her house robe and reveals her beautiful body. She then asks, “Oh Santa, won't you please stay?"

Santa, now becoming aroused, replies, “Hey, Hey, Hey, Gotta Stay! Gotta Stay! Won't fit up the chimney THIS way!"

No.1191

Office Christmas Party

'Tis the season for ... Office parties. Ah yes, the office Christmas party. I remember them well! Ahem, truthfully there was at least one that I don't remember so well. Luckily the party was held on a Friday evening. Oh, I was filled in on the details the following Monday.

I suppose there is always at least one individual who took full advantage of an open bar. Yeah, one year I was not only the life, but the talk of the party. (They all laughed when I jumped up to dance! How was I to know I was sitting under a table at the time?)

For a few years after the fact my exploits that night came to be referred to as "The Yellow Jim Beam Scarf Affair." I can neither confirm nor deny the validity of my actions, as I learned of most of them via third party accounts. It should be noted that each year additional facts and details were affixed to the stories. I'm certain, but cannot ascertain for sure, that some of the troubadours of knowledge were in fact not at that particular party.

One thing I do know as fact. I was very disappointed by the entertainment provided for the party. Under the spell of unspecified "spirits," that disappointment soon became disturbed bitterness.

Our company was a large corporation employing about 250. When the member companies were added to the mix, a Christmas party could draw upwards to 850 revelers. With a large diversity of creed, color and ages, the entertainment committees of the past always hired DJs. It was difficult to find affordable bands with large enough repertoires to please so many varied tastes in music.

Heading up the entertainment committee that year was a clueless young woman who had only been with the company for three months. Rather than to say how or why she was given the responsibility, I'll just say that she was an upwardly motivated individual who left high heel imprints on many a shoe in her path. (I could add that she probably used Chap-Stick and Preparation-H interchangeably!)

Having recently married a connected and popular member of our firm, she had influence. That influence allowed her to convince the rest of the committee that the "fantastic" band that had played at her wedding would be great for the upcoming Christmas party. Did I mention that she was "blonde?"

Inasmuch, a wedding band, good or not, is not exactly ideal to provide entertainment for a large corporate shindig. That band proved that in spades. They knew very few songs appropriate for a large group of party-hearty people. The liveliest thing they knew how to play was polka music. It just so happened that our polka crowd was not very well represented that night. Now when it came to slow music, they packed the dancing floor with smash hits like "Daddy's Little Girl."

I half expected them, when asked to liven it up, to play "Rawhide" like the Blues Brothers did in the movie. For most the evening the dancing floor only served scattered groups of people who got together to stand around and ... talk ... and get drunk.

At some point in time I had managed to grab my scarf from the cloak room. It was admittedly, a rather loud yellow scarf bearing two words in large red letters "Jim Beam." (I wonder ... what ever happened to that scarf?)

With a little fuel in the form of liquid libations circulating through my veins, I'm always ready to dance. I'm usually the first onto the dance floor. What do they play to liven things up? Can you believe the "Hully Gully?" It was shortly after that when I insulted not only the band members, but I also lit into the blonde newlywed responsible for the travesty.

It was at about that time that my powers of recollection abandoned me. I can only conjecture that there must have been something in the water. Apparently there were reports of some individual who was crashing a couple of the other Christmas parties going on at the same hotel. This individual was described as wearing a yellow scarf and not too steady on his feet. It was rumored that said person had made several attempts to get a female concierge to dance with him in the main lobby of the hotel.

According to several witnesses this man was finally shut off. Orders were given at every one of the five open bars in the place that a man wearing a yellow scarf was not to be served under any circumstances. Allegedly this man stood in the middle of the dancing floor and shouted "Merry Friggin' Christmas." Then the fellow grabbed his coat and was last seen that night struggling to figure out how to get out the revolving doors in which he'd found himself trapped.

As I stated before, the above actions were described to me the following Monday. I remembered almost none of it. I did, over the next two hours, walk around the various offices and the Trading floor apologizing to fellow co-workers and members alike. It was the only and last time I was ever both the life and the talk of a party. (That is to say, that I know of or remember.)

Ah yes, office parties!

Drinking Around The Christmas Tree
(To the tune of
"Rocking Around the Christmas Tree")

Drinking around the Christmas tree at the Christmas party bash,
Faces are hung o'er the balcony, everybody is smashed.

Drinking around the Christmas tree, let the Christmas drunkards through,
Later we'll do some vomiting, and our arms will hug the loo.

You will get an upset queasy feeling when you taste
Vodka through your nose, oh golly,
Deck the halls with boughs of holly.

Drinking around the Christmas tree, your hangover's on its way,
Everybody's wearing ice pack hats in the new old-fashioned way.

(drunken sax solo.)

You will get an upset queasy feeling when you taste
Vodka through your nose, oh golly,
Deck the halls with boughs of holly.

Drinking around the Christmas tree, your hangover's on its way,
Everybody's wearing ice pack hats ...
...in the new old-fashioned waaaay.

No.1190

A Martian Conquers Santa Claus

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians was probably one of the lamest movies ever made. This, of course, explains why it has become a cult-favorite.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (also titled Santa Claus Defeats the Aliens ) is a 1964 science fiction film that regularly appears on lists of the worst films ever made. It was directed by Nicholas Webster, and it stars John Call as Santa Claus. It also includes an 8-year-old Pia Zadora playing the role of one of the Martian children.

The film attained cult status in the '90s after being featured on an episode of the comedy series Mystery Science Theater 3000. It became a holiday staple on the Comedy Central cable channel in the years following its 1991 premiere, and it was one of the series' most popular episodes. Most of the new-found fans weren't even born at the time of the film's original release.

Synopsis

The inhabitants of Mars have been receiving the radio and television signals from the interstellar transmissions emanating from the third planet for several decades. Martian parents are worried that their children are watching too much Earth programs. Momar ("Mom Martian") and Kimar ("King Martian") become concerned when their kids, Girmar ("Girl Martian") and Bomar ("Boy Martian") see a program on Station KID which featured a live interview with Santa Claus in his North Pole workshop.

An ancient 800-year old Martian sage named Chochem, advises that the children of Mars are growing distracted due to the society's overly rigid structure. All their education is fed into their brains through machines during infancy. They are not allowed freedom of thought. The Martian children had no individuality. Chochem sadly notes that he had seen this coming "for centuries", and states that the only way to help the children is to allow them to have freedom, to be allowed to have fun.

To do this, they need a Santa Claus figure, like on Earth. The Martian leaders decide the only way to achieve this is to kidnap Santa Claus from Earth and bring him to Mars to make toys for the children of their planet. The war faction of the planet, led by the Warlord Voldar, disagreed with this idea and repeatedly tries to kill Santa Claus, as well as two kidnapped Earth children. He believes that Santa is corrupting the children of Mars and turning them away from the race's original glory.

When they arrive on Mars, Santa and the children build a factory to make toys for the Martian children. Voldar and his assistants, Stobo and Shim, sabotage the factory and change the programming so that it makes imperfect toys. Dropo, a Martian who has been acting silly ever since Santa came to Mars, puts on one of Santa's spare suits and starts talking and acting like Santa Claus. He goes to the toy factory to make toys, but Voldar and his henchmen mistake him for the real Santa Claus and kidnaps him.

When Santa and the children come back to the factory to make more toys, they discover that the machine has been tampered with. Voldar and Stobo realize that their plan failed when they come back to the factory to make a deal with Kimar and see the real Santa Claus. Dropo, who was being held hostage in a cave, escapes from his guard, Shim. Kimar then arrests Voldar, Stobo and Shim.

Santa notices that Dropo is acting like him, and says that Dropo would make a good Martian Santa Claus. Kimar agrees to make Dropo the Martian Santa Claus and sends Santa and the children back to earth.

This Blog is now being interrupted by a Blog-cast direct from the planet Mars!

Citizens of Earth, my name Marvin, direct descendant of Chochem. I am greatly disturbed by the opening lines of this post in which its author refers to the film, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians", as lame. The citizens of Mars hold this film with great esteem as do the peoples of Earth for such works as your Holy Bible, The Koran, The Torah, The Kama Sutra, and that masterpiece,Mad Magazine.

How would you like it if we were to slander the names of your beloved heroes and heroines? We would not resort to underhanded name calling or character assassination of your great leaders such as Richard Nixon, Al Capone, Rosie O'Donnell, Al Sharpton, and the one you worship now who is called Dubya.

While I admit to having a personal vendetta with two of your citizens, namely Duck Dodgers and Bugs Bunny, I will not abase them, any more than I would your most adored God, Mickey Mouse.

We of Mars cannot comprehend why on your world Santa Claus, truly the most revered Deity in the entire universe, is not being held in the highest station of religious adoration. It is this disturbing fact that has our War Department debating whether or not our planet should attack and conquer your backward planet.


In closing, heed my words and remember - we are watching. Klattu Borado Nikto !

If you have not yet done so, why not put your knowledge of Christmas carols to task and try to name that Christmas tune? Christmas Carol IQ Test

No.1189

O Christmas Tree

"Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman"


1. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
2. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
3. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
4. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
5. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
6. When you are done with a Christmas tree, you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
8. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
9. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

And in all fairness to the distaff readers out there:


"Why Is A Christmas Tree Better Than A Man"


1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.
9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

Why not put your knowledge of Christmas carols to task and try to name that Christmas tune? Christmas Carol IQ Test

No.1188

Mail Call at the North Pole

When Santa Runs Out Of Prozac

Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck.
Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Joey

Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. Christmas Eve, while you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
- Santa

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for
my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can
do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the babysitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
- Santa

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
or your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.
-Santa

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE
- Jimmy

Jimmy,
That whiney-begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again.
- Santa

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
- Santa

Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all
yeer.
YeR FReND, BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist. How 'bout I send you a f**king book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
-Santa

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
- Santa

Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do.
Love, Michelle

Dear Michelle,
It blows my f**king mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders."
- Santa

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who the f**k names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
- Santa

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house...
- Santa

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Mark,
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky"; that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams!
- Santa

No.1187

The Grinch Committee

This late breaking news story was forwarded to me from my e-mail benefactor, John Bell. Thanks, John.

MARLEY TO HEAD GRINCH COMMITTEE
(By Carol Ling and Mary Exmis)

Friday, November 30, 2007,Washington--The U.S. Senate has announced the appointment of a sub committee, Government Research Into Nonessential Christmas Habits (GRINCH) to be headed by Senator Jacob Marley. The committee of three wise Senators, plan to visit the Holy land, North Pole and Lapland.The report of the committee’s findings is expected to be released April 1, 2008.
Among the organizations and interested parties expected to testify with their concerns, are:

American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) ---why does the gentleman in the red suit have to have an image of being over 65?
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) ---is it faux fur on the red jacket and if not how was the animal treated before being unmercifully slaughtered by employees and are they washing their hands before returning to work?
American Academy of Dermatology (AAD) ---why aren’t people informed that rosy cheeks are a symptom called rosacea and easily treatable, if you have a good health plan?
The Matadors Guild of Spain--- red has for centuries been associated with the great bull fighters of Spain. The wearing of red by this “weight challenged” individual may cause confusion both to the bull and matadors.
International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers (IBEW) --- why are there not at least four electricians and a supervisor present when Rudolph has his nosed checked ?
Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) --- has the sleigh been filing a timely flightplan and have on- time statistics been provided to the DOT?
Department of Homeland Security(DHS) ---are scissors less than four inches long and tools less than seven inches,that this “nearsighted challenged” individual, carries in his bag when flying?
Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) ---are the gas emissions by the eight reindeer contributing to global warming?
National Gay and Lesbian Task Force(NGLTF) ---why is reindeer, Prancer’s, sexual orientation not revealed and why has Donner not come out of the stall?
Waste Management Co. --- why is there no competitive bidding put out for the clean up of reindeer droppings?
Rev Al Sharpton --- is it necessary for this jolly fellow to say ho,ho,ho instead of ha,ha,ha or hee,hee,hee ?
National Association of Chimney Sweeps (NACS) ---why is this “fashionably challenged” individual not a card carrying union member?
National Organization of Women (NOW) --- why is there no female representation among the eight reindeer?
Humane Society---what food choices, living conditions, conjugal visits, and health plans are made available to Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen and Rudolph?
Comet---the company is seeking restitution for the unauthorized use of its name and damages due to the confusion people may have between a toilet bowl and a reindeer.
World Trade Organization (WTO) ---is the giving away of toys, dolls and other children’s gifts unfair to the labor laws of the Dogon population living along the Cliffs of Bandiagara?
Valerie Bertinelli---does the image of a jolly “girth challenged” individual impinge on the earnings potential of a spokesperson for Jenny Craig?
B’nai Brith---if “that day” falls on a Saturday does Blitzen have the option of not working?
Occupational Safety and Health Administration(OSHA) ---are the “vertically challenged” workers being provided with hardhats,earplugs,safety glasses,aprons,steel - toed boots, left or right handed tools, booster seats, and milk and cookies during breaks?

Senator Marley concluded with these remarks, “We all look forward to gathering around the holiday tree on December 25 with our physically, mentally, sexually oriented, and ethnically challenged family and friends. As we prepare to dive into the molded “mock” turkey and trimmings (conforming to the USDA Food guide Pyramid) with our ACLU lawyer nearby, let us not forget those two great expressions, “Only in America” and “God…er somebody bless America”.

No.1186

Cut Out the Cookies, Claus!

SANTA: PHAT
( Pretty Hefty Ass Tubby )

The acting U.S. Surgeon General, Rear Admiral Steven K. Galson says Santa should slim down to be a better role model for children! "It is really important that the people who kids look up to as role models are in good shape, eating well and getting exercise. It is absolutely critical," he said in a recent interview.

First the Cookie Monster - and now Santa? Where's it end?

This is just the latest blow struck in a global politically correct crusade against this jolly fat man. For example:

**Australian Santas are told not to say, "ho,ho,ho" for fear of offending women or scaring children. ** British Santas are being sent to boot camp to lose weight. ** Some American Santas are being told not to greet people with "Merry Christmas" in case it offends people of different faiths.**

It seems that nearly everywhere Santas have been given a list of taboos also. These include:

** Don't scoop up a child and sit them on your knee, but rather ask a parent to place their child on Santa's knee. It's no longer politically correct for Santa to touch a child. ** Don't conceal your hands when a child has a picture taken with Santa. Santa's hands must be visible at all times. ** Don't smoke or carry a pipe as part of the uniform. ** Don't eat strongly flavored food before meeting parents and children. ** Don't promise a child any particular toy or gift because the parents might not be able to deliver or afford said gift. ** Don't lie on your application because background checks will be made. ** Don't take a job as Santa without liability insurance. **

Isn't it enough that Santa has to endure inferences that he might be a racist, a pedophile, a drunk and a possible criminal? Now we to have classify him as an obsessive over-eater too?

The Surgeon General not withstanding, is Santa being driven to become an under-nourished anorexic? Perhaps he should practice bulimia before each appearance.

I daresay, children would not be comfortable sitting on the bony knees of an emaciated bearded man in a red suit. Besides, could not a skinny Santa be no more or less suspicious than a fat one?

I find it ironic, and disheartening, that a fictitious commercial icon could be thought of as such a threat or so offensive that there has been a world-wide uproar over him. Are there not far more real things wrong on this planet than that of the image of an imaginary fat jolly man?

In Scotland, the following appeared in the newspaper, The Scotsman.

Dr. Miles Fisher, consultant physician at Glasgow Royal Infirmary said, "Santa is the archetypal picture of abdominal obesity. The image of Santa is of a rotund, jolly person and is meant to be one of hilarity, but if you have obesity around your tummy, then it is very bad for you."

I for one like the image of a fat, jolly Santa Claus, especially as depicted by Haddon Sundblom when he was commissioned by Coca Cola to draw him for their advertising campaigns in 1931. His renderings of Santa Claus have become the most widely used and accepted image of the character.

Sure, obesity is a serious problem in children and adults as well! I'm beginning think all this controversy is just a conspiracy being perpetrated by advocates of the Atkins Diet. The Vegans probably have a hand in on it too.

As history has proven, this will probably be a cyclical hot topic. What's next, the Easter Bunny? Why not? Aren't we guilty of animal exploitation personifying a helpless rabbit into a merry spreader of Easter cheer? Can we still say Easter?

Watch your backs Jack Frost, Cupid, St. Patrick, Mothers, Fathers,Uncle Sam and even you, Tooth Fairy! There are very large targets on them.

So, just what is the ideal image of Santa Claus? What will the Santa Claus of the future look like? Into what shape will he evolve?

I suspect the women might have some ideas about that. So men, you better watch out when Santa comes. (Excuse the double entendre, folks.)

No.1185