Friday, April 18, 2008

Size Does Matter

The Internal Revenue Service, not content with taxing our income and financial assets, has announced that there will be additional taxes to be levied beginning with tax year ending 2008.

The American tax payers are afforded tax break deductions for the number of dependents claimed, and as such the IRS has decided that we should be taxed for the luxury of producing those said dependents.

Since the number of times in which coitus occurs cannot be accurately verified, and bearing in mind that people are not totally honest about the frequency of said acts, the new tax will be calculated according to the tax payers' sexual organs, henceforth to be referred to as assets.

These assets will include, but not limited to, the female breasts, man breasts, the male penis and the he-she penis. Regardless of when, how often and where said assets are used, the tax will be based upon the size of said assets.

Please refer to the following charts to determine the rates of assessment:


THE PENIS TAX

The only thing the I.R.S. has not taxed in the past is the penis. This is due to the fact that:

40% of the time it's hanging around unemployed.

20% of the time it's pissed off.

30% of the time it's hard up.

10% of the time it is in the hole.

On top of all this, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Accordingly, starting January 1, 2oo8, penises will be taxed according to size. To determine the category, please consult the chart below and confirm this information on Page 2, Section 7, Line 3, of the standard 1040P form.

10 to 12 Inches = Luxury Tax $50.00*

8 to 10 inches = Pole Tax $30.00

6 to 8 inches = Privilege Tax $15.00

4 to 6 inches = Nuisance Tax $5.00

PLEASE NOTE: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.

PLEASE DO NOT REQUEST AN EXTENSION.

* Males exceeding 12 inches must file for Capital Gains using the long form.

Sincerely,

Pecker Checker
Internal Revenue Service
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE BREAST TAX


Since the IRS has decided to tax men's penises, it has come to believe that women shouldn't be left out. So they have decided that a Breast Tax is in order. The assessment will be based upon cup sizes.

Please refer to the chart below for your tax computation:

AA cup Flat rate $ 5.00
A cup Slight rise $10.00
B cup Normal rate $15.00
C cup Over abundant rate $20.00
D cup* "Are they real?" rate $40.00

PLEASE NOTE: Anyone under AA cup is eligible for a refund.

PLEASE DO NOT REQUEST AN ENLARGEMENT!!!

* Females exceeding D cup should consult their tax adviser for the KNOCK YOUR EYES OUT Capital Gains tax.

No.1324

Thursday, April 17, 2008

I Got Religion

Yeah, I got religion, but I didn't just get it. I picked it up quite a few years ago as a teenager. I'm not a Bible waver and I don't interpret the Holy book or its scriptures as literal, but as symbolic. Its teachings are not the end-all but are more like guidelines.

I believe in God, but have become over the years a border-line agnostic of sorts. As such I will poke fun at religion and religious groups, but not with animosity or outright disrespect. Evidence of that can be seen in yesterday's post, The Pope and the Dope.

The inference of this post's title does not mean that I have been born again. (If was born again, you don't think I'd come back with this body, do you?) No, the Pope's visit to this side of the big pond has filled me with the gumption to poke a little fun at the concept of religion. Ergo, today I Got Religion.
He Has Returned!

Cardinal Ratzinger goes running into the Holy Father’s office and is quite beside himself. “Holy Father, Holy Father!”

“What is it my son?” the Pope responds.

“I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? “

“The good news”, responds the Holy Father.

The Cardinal says “OK. The good news is that the Lord Jesus has returned as He promised!”

“Alleluia, Alleluia. Praise be to God!”, the Holy Father responds “So what’s the bad news? “

Ratzinger responds “He's in Salt Lake City.”
An Old Classic: Did you hear what happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive? Popeye beat the crap out of him!

I wonder, if after meeting with President Bush, did Pope Benedict walk away with the same opinion of him as most Americans?
PMS IN THE BIBLE

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible. The entirety of the human experience could be found there, without exception.

After the service, the preacher was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look it up.

The following week, after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read ...

"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
POPE AND QUEEN OF ENGLAND
The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords - the crowd is huge - thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness can't help but have a little rivalry - both being heads of churches and all.

The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd.

Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen,"Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice - they will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants.

The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.
Four Catholic Ladies

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'"
A Word From Our Sponsor

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily chicken," and KFC (Kentucky Fried Chicken) will donate $10,000,000 to Catholic charities. The Pope declined.

Two weeks later, the man approached the Pope again - this time with a $50,000,000 offer. Again, the Pope declined. A month later, the man upped the price to $100,000,000, and this time the Pope accepted.

At a meeting of the Cardinals, the Pope announced his decision in the good news/bad news format. "The good news is: We have $100,000,000 for charities. The bad news: We lost the Wonder Bread account."
JAMES BOND'S HEAVENLY MISSION

M sends James Bond on a secret mission to heaven. When M doesn't hear from Bond for over a day, he gets worried and calls up heaven.

The Virgin Mary picks up the phone and says "Virgin Mary speaking." M asks her if Bond has reached there yet. She replies that he hasn't.

M waits another few hours and calls heaven back again. "Virgin Mary speaking," comes the response. "Is James there yet?" asks M. Again the answer is no.

M is really worried by this time but he waits for a few more hours and then calls heaven back again.

"Hello, Mary speaking…"
Does anyone know of a contractor who installs lightning rods? I have a feeling I'm going to need some.

No.1323

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

The Pope and The Dope*

Washington, D.C. -

The nation awaits Pope Benedict XVI's first visit to America.
In the Oval Office President Bush is being briefed by Condoleeza Rice on the proper etiquette and protocol he should exercise when he meets with the Pope.

The woman is exhausted and she has pulled out some of her hair in attempt to make sure that the President doesn't embarrass himself in front the Pope, the Press and thus the whole world.

Condo: Did you review all the material I prepared for you?
Dubya: Yeah. But I think you spelled Popeacy wrong. You wrote down Papacy.
Condo: That's right. It is Papacy.
Dubya: Oh? Then I should refer to him as the Pape like the sound of grape?
Condo: No, no, no! He's the Pope, dope! You must show respect for the Holy See!
Dubya: Holy Sea? I do know a lot about that. They used to call it the Red Sea. Betcha didn't know that, didja? And that Moses fella then went and parted the water. Moses ... Moses ... Oh yeah, his full name was Moses Malone and he played for the Pharaohs.
Condo: Uh ... Right. Do me a favor, Mr. President. Please don't show off your trivia skills with Pope Benedict.
Dubya: Pope Benedict, eh? He must have hurt himself playing soccer ...
Condo: ? Soccer? What are you babbling about?
Dubya: Hell, everyone knows when you play sports you gotta wear a cup.
Condo: I'm afraid to ask ...
Dubya: Think about it. If he'd been wearing a cup he would have never bent his dick in the first place!
Condo: (GROAN!)

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Sally Fields has announced plans to produce a new television situation comedy. The show will chronicle the misadventures of a fictional Pope who has the ability to use his holy raiment to actually fly. The Holy Father will be seen buzzing the faithful in the streets of Vatican City.

Oddly enough, Ms. Fields played Sister Betrille, a nun with the identical aerial abilities in a TV series titled The Flying Nun. It should come as no surprise that this new weekly comedy series will be titled The Flying Pope.


Satisfied that the President has been sufficiently briefed, Condoleeza Rice returned to her office and promptly called her travel agent to book a vacation to someplace as far from Washington D.C. as possible.

A little later the Pope pulls up in front of the White House in his brand new Mercedes Pope Mobile.

Dubya: Heh-heh! Everytime I see that car of his with the shower stall on the back, I can't help but sing 'Da-da-da-da-da-da-da, Batman!' Heh-heh! Tsktsk! Why does he wear that tacky bath robe everywhere he goes? Can't he afford some Wrangler jeans and a flannel shirt? Da-da-da-da-da-da-da, Batman!
Cheney: George! Let's grab our shotguns! There's a man in a Ku Klux Klan outfit otside. He must be gonna assassinate the Pope!
George: Calm down, Dick. He is the Pope!
Cheney: Oh! Where'd he get the cool KKK suit?
George: Probably from Cathlick Charities.
Cheney: What, he can't afford Wranglers and a flannel shirt?

Later still, the President greets the Pope. In private Pope Benedict blesses President Bush's presidency. The President asks the Pope if he wanted to hear to his confessions. The Pope graciously declines stating that he wasn't going to be in America long enough to hear them.

Prez: (Remembering Condi's advice) So Pope Dope, did you come over here to kick some butt? Hell, with all those sleazy petal-file priests you got, you're gonna have one mighty tired kickin' leg!
Pope: Pardon?
Prez: You're gonna pardon them? Popey, Popey! You'll piss off a lot of Cathlicks if you let them off the hook. I'll tell you what. I'll be leaving the office when they elect a new President. One of my last acts in the office is to pardon murderers and such. Give me a list of their names and I'll pardon them for you. Hell, the American people are already pissed off at me. Another reason or two won't matter.
Pope: You drive a hard bargain. What would you want in exchange for this kind act?
Prez: I'm sure I can come up with something. (See pic at left.)
Pope: What you ask is a tall order. You'll have to throw in something else to sweeten the deal.
Prez: What do you have in mind, Popemeister?
Pope: You can take me to expensive fancy American restaurant.
Prez: Deal! I know just the place!
Pope: This place have good food and lots of it?
Prez: You bet your sweet Holy ass! What do the Eye-talians say? Aye carumba?
Pope: I think you mean abbondanza!
Prez: That too!
Pope: What is name of this place?
Prez: Why it's only the best eatin' place in America, Hooters!
Pope: That is place where women wear tight shirts and they all have naturbusen?
Prez: Yes, they have natural bosoms.
Pope: Such a place not good for Pope and President to be seen. For my trip to America it would not be germane.
Prez: Ah, you want to go a German restaurant. I forgot you were a Kraut.

A little later than the last later, and with the aid of the secret servicemen, the President and the Pope slip off to an exclusive restaurant. Because the restaurant was staffed with illegal non-English speaking immigrants, the two of them feast in relative anonymity.

At a scheduled press conference Pope Benedict XVI addresses the American people. He praises President Bush's hospitality. He also gives high regard for the American food, and not necessarily in that order.

*(If you are Catholic and are offended by this parody post, feel free to send in your names. President Bush will add them to his "Pardon List." If you are a President Bush supporter, Pope Benedict will add you to his prayer list.)

No.1322

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Curses! Oiled Again!

I had an interesting discussion today about world economics. The guy was an expert in the field. He was the gas station attendant!

"Fill 'er up!" I said to him.

"Regular? Or really expensive stuff?" he cheerfully asked.

Funny I thought, but the ever-changing numbers on the face of the pump reminded me of the spinning wheels on a one-armed bandit at a casino. There was a big difference though, these numbers weren't stopping! Any jackpots would go the house, or in this case the gas station.

"Whoa!" I shouted to the attendant. "Stop the pump!"

"You say 'fill 'er up' didn't you?" the attendant protested as he removed the nozzle.

"Yeah," I replied, "$3.17 a gallon? Now it's my wallet that's running on empty! A half a tank will have to do for now."

"That'll be $34.00," he announced a little too cheerfully.

I handed him two twenties and as he leafed through the wad of dead presidents the size of a complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica's for my $6 change, I said to him, "Are they still trying to recoup their losses from that Exxon-Valdez incident?"

"Valdez?" he responded with a confused look in his countenance. "We don't buy gasoline from the Mexicans!"

I started the engine and said to him, "If the gas keeps skyrocketing, pretty soon you gas pumpers are going to lonely like that Maytag repairman in those old commercials."

As I pulled away I heard him shout, "Since when Maytag sell gasoline?"

Like I said above, the guy was an expert in the field of world economics!


When I approached the house I saw that our home-heating oil man was parked across the driveway. (Groan!) With the price of oil hitting $113 a barrel today, I could only shudder at how much this oil delivery was going to cost us.

He handed me the ticket and I was hesitant to look at it. I didn't want the oil man to see a grown man reduced to tears. I think I would have popped him one if he'd said something like: "I love the smell of number two oil in the morning."

Instead he was actually apologetic. "Sorry about the price per gallon. I can't help it. Excuse the pun, but those damned A-rab (rhymes with Ahab) camel jockeys have us over a barrel!"

As he drove away I glanced at the delivery ticket. $517.93? For a half a tank?


In one of his monologues a while back, Jay Leno was joking about the price of gasoline. I am going to paraphrase his words and edit it a bit:
Last weekend how many of you went to the beach to observe the erosion and the polluted shorelines? How many of you went up into the mountains to look at the tree stumps left behind by the loggers?

Maybe you spent the weekend doing what my family did. We piled into the family car, sat in the driveway and pretended we could actually afford gas to go somewhere.

The cartoon at the right isn't far off base. I actually received a couple pre-paid gift cards for gasoline for Christmas and for my birthday.

I suspect I may see another for Father's Day.

Now, a gift card for a tank of home-heating oil - that would be quite the gift! Alas, that's a pipe dream, for I don't know any generous millionaires!


This Blogger's postings can do little to solve the rising price of oil and the domino effect it is having on the world economy.

Another problem facing the world is the alleged global warming threat to the planet. This problem is one that maybe I can address with the cartoon to the left, but it is doubtful my post will help resolve the problem.

Some claim that cattle flatulence contributes to the green house gases being released into our atmosphere. That may be so, but it isn't the only contributing factor.

No.1321

Monday, April 14, 2008

Echoes of Eddie -16

Can a dead man reach out from the grave to exact revenge against those responsible for his death? Welcome to the sixteenth installment of a story that explores that possibility. If you've not done so, read the story from the beginning HERE.

It was an awkward moment for both of the brothers, Steve not knowing what to say and Jack not knowing where to start.

"I guess it's okay," Jack said. He turned and handed the toy dinosaur to Steve. "David was your brother too." The older brother sat down on the edge of the bed, his head lowered studying the interlaced fingers of his hands. Steve, sensing that Jack wanted to talk stationed himself in the desk chair opposite his brother.

"Steve, I'm not sure where I should start ... but I need to get this off my chest," he cleared his throat with a nervous cough. "What I'm about to say ... I should have said to you a long time ago." He was glad that his younger brother made no attempt to interject, but just sat there passively attentive.

Jack stood and walked across the room, suddenly not wanting to face Steve. "Steve, you were not responsible for what happened to David. I was!" He could see his brother's body grow tense, but then relax after a brief moment. "Listen Steve, I know we didn't always get along, and after you hear this ... if you don't already, you're going to hate my guts! David didn't follow you and Eddie to the quarry that night. He followed me!"

Steve had tried to let Jack talk without interrupting him, but he could sit quietly back no longer. "What do mean your fault? I was the one who was supposed to be watching him! Mom and Dad told me to watch David, not you?"

Jack shook his head and waved a finger, "Consider the one detail you've been overlooking all these years, little brother. How do you suppose David got there that night? The turnoff to the quarry from our house must be ... uh, two, three miles wouldn't you say?" He paused to study Steve's reaction to his point before adding, "That's quite a hike without a bicycle, or a pickup truck for that matter."

Steve was stunned. Jack was right. He'd never given a second thought as to how David might have gotten to the quarry in the first place. However, that fact did little to ease his conscience. "That doesn't change anything, Jack. I let Mom and Dad down. I was supposed to be watching David, not out gallivanting with Eddie!"

Jack was staring at him but said nothing. Steve was about to leave the room and bring the conversation to an end, but he felt a sudden dread fall over him. "Hey! Wait a minute! Wait one goddamn minute!" he roared. He sprung from the chair and walked over to Jack and poked a finger against his chest, "How did you know where I went that night? I never said Eddie's name! I never mentioned the quarry!"

Jack lowered his head and spread his arms, "You never mentioned seeing me either, did you? Well, I never mentioned seeing you, did I?" He watched Steve's eyes widen in surprise. "You know, if not for David drowning in the quarry that night, the whole thing would have been laughable. I mean, there we were, the two of us in trouble deep, trying not to rat on each other. Oh yeah, we didn't want the other to know, did we?"

Steve felt numb and could think of no reply to Jack's words. He took a deep breath , exhaled and nodded for him to continue.

"You see, Steve, I have been carrying a load of guilt on my shoulders ever since that night too. Looking back on it my motives were selfish. Don't think for one minute that my silence was an act of brotherly love. I had a lot to lose ... more than you had to lose. Sure, you were mercilessly beaten by Dad, but I figured bruises would heal after a few days. I had just gotten my driver's license, and if Mom and Dad knew I was up at that quarry and not at the burger joint... I would have been beaten and they would have taken my license away. Dad would never have let me use the truck after that ... ever!"

Steve was stone-faced and nodded again for him to continue. Jack swallowed hard and picked up his story where he had paused. "Anyway, I left the house two hours earlier than I told Mom and Dad I would be leaving. I never even bothered to check on you or Catherine or David. I thought you were in your room. Yes, you were told to watch David, but I was instructed to watch all three of you."

He was feeling at ease and grateful that Steve was listening to him. "I picked up that girl you saw me with and we went to the quarry. I was thinking I was going to get laid that night. When I heard something in the brush on the hillside and saw you and Eddie running down the hill, I nearly shit my pants! If we both were there then that meant no one was home watching David!"

Steve finally ended his silence, "But David wasn't at the house!"

Jack felt a tear forming in the corner of his eye, "No. I don't know when or how, but he must have crawled into the back of the pickup and hid under an old tarp. He must have followed me and the girl up the hill."

"Jack," Steve muttered as tears begin to well up in his own eyes, "How can you be so sure? How do you know he was in the back of the truck?"

Jack crossed the room and stood before the desk. He retrieved and held up the toy dinosaur before he replying, "Because I found this the next morning ... in the back of the truck."

Steve's thoughts were racing and careening around in his skull like the steel orb in a pinball machine. The showdown with Jack did not go as he had planned. He'd been certain that at some point he would have duked it out with him. He was convinced Jack could take him, but at least he would get in a few good licks.

Steve looked over at Jack who was standing silent across the room. He was clutching the toy dinosaur against his chest with one hand and was patting it as if it were a live pet with the other. Touched by the scene he felt the pent up anguish and guilt within him beginning to fade. Empathy set in as he realized that both he and Jack had been riddled with guilt. Both he and Jack had felt they'd been responsible for David's death.
His thoughts were a darkened cinema as the shimmering images of that night flashed upon the screen of his subconscious memories, evoking them forth. He saw his mother crying behind his father who was standing over him. He could almost feel the force of his open hands against his head. He could hear the spate of obscenities spewing from his mouth. All the while, there was Jack standing in the doorway. He spoke not a word. There was Catherine behind their mother. She was bawling and shouting something. What was she saying? It was me? Stop hitting him? She made me?

Then his father grabbed his keys. He pointed menacingly and said he'd deal with him later. Then he left to go look for David. He never returned. They found him the next day. He had hung himself on the rope swing tied to the limb of the old tree. Floating in the water beneath his body was David's shoe and his favorite Jurassic Park cap.
She had been standing in the hallway listening to them. "Jack ... Steven," Catherine said announcing her presence. "David died that night ... because ... of me!"

( to be continued... Echoes of Eddie -17.

No.1320

Sunday, April 13, 2008

L.S.M.F.T.*

*Lazy Slacker Must File Taxes
Alas, I am one of a few (sic) Americans who has waited until the last minute to file Income Taxes. Under normal circumstances "1040" makes me think that it is twenty minutes of eleven.

I remember when L.S.M.F.T. was a slogan on a cigarette commercial. Do you remember what that acronym actually meant? No, I'm not referring to that joke we learned in Junior High about a loose strap!
"While President Bush was doing his taxes, under dependents he listed Scooter Libby, Tom DeLay and Jack Abramoff. Then he caught himself, 'Dependents? Oh, I thought it said defendants.'" - Jay Leno
It's time I figured out into how many pieces I'm going to be sliced and diced! Why is that I when think of an IRS auditor, I visualize a butcher in a blood-stained apron?
A harp is a piano after taxes.

Ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040?
Because for every $50 that you earn, you get 10 and they get 40.
When it comes to claiming dependents, I fail to see the logic that our government applies to this line item. Have they ever taken a gander at what I pay out to my home-heating oil man, gas station attendant or mechanic? If you ask me, they are very much dependent of me! What about my doctor, who without me couldn't afford his greens fees?
Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of "May Day!"?

A businessman was near death and made arrangements for his remains to be sent to the Internal Revenue Service with the following note: "Now you have it all."
New Income Tax Form

George Washington never told a lie, but then he never had to file a Form 1040.

If Nathan Hale were alive today he would be quoted as saying, "My only regret is that I have but only one income to give to my country."

Patrick Henry ought to come back and see what taxation with representation is like.
Marriage does have one advantage over co-habitation, at least you can file a joint return. The honeymoon was over though when she began to suspect she might not be anything more than a tax deduction.

On the other hand, the way the cost of living and taxes are today, you might as well marry for love.
What God hath joined together, let no higher tax bracket put asunder.
The only things certain are death and taxes.

What is the definition of death?

It's when you stop paying taxes - suddenly!


Zero Gravity!

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
Enough of the serious blogging - it's time for some humor. Wait a minute! I forgot to write anything serious! It's just as well, nobody comes here to read serious posts anyway!
Eternal Punishment For Cheating

One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did."

They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.

Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand.

After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Damn income taxes!"


Drive carefully. Uncle Sam needs every taxpayer he can get.

No.1319

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Downside Up, Outside In!

Upside Down,
Downside Up.

Inside Out,
Outside In.

Is the space time continuum running on a mobius strip, turning back in on itself?

Today I was randomly touring my Blogroll, trying to catch up on some reading. As I sometimes do, I also randomly clicked on some of the links on the blogrolls at some of those blogs.

I even checked out some of Blogger's "Blogs of Note." Now there's an oxymoron if I ever saw one! I'm mystified as to what the Blogger people consider noticeable about a blog. What kind of blogs do they notice? As for myself, I have noticed that every "Blog of Note" that I've checked out based on their "astute" suggestions, aren't in the least bit interesting!

I will qualify the last paragraph in admitting that it just so happened these blogs themes weren't of my taste or interest. I check some of these Blogs of Note at least once a week - don't you think that in three years I'd find at least one that was of interest to me? Well it hasn't happened yet! Not a one!
I read a "Mommy Blog" where the topic of the day was the science and beauty of baseball's squeeze play. This Mommy was questioning why the new Dodger's manager, Joe Torre, did not call for a squeeze play. It was the bottom of the ninth with the score tied two-two. There were no outs and a runner on third. (The middle of the order for the other team was due up if the game went into extra innings.) The Mommy noted that the other team was not playing for the bunt, in fact, the third baseman was all the way back on the edge of the outfield grass. The man on third was a fast runner and the batter was an excellent bunter. Well, the runner died at third as the Dodgers failed to drive him in. She didn't mention the final outcome of the game, but her last sentence was also the title of her post: "Torre: Go the F**k Back to New York, You Bum".
Did I mention that was a Mommy Blog?
Then I landed on the site of a muscle-builder/weight-lifter/triathlete. I was about to leave the site as soon as I got there until I noticed his post's title: "Gingham Curtains and Floral Wallpaper?" I thought, "Are you shitting me, a triathlete writing about window treatments?" Sure enough, here's this muscular man actually fretting over the dilemma of red gingham curtains against the backdrop of wallpaper with purple lilacs!
I'm afraid that my stomach and my sense of the order of the universe would not allow me to find out what "Mr. Body Beautiful" did to solve his quandary.

Now if the Mommy had been writing about gingham curtains ... If the triathlete had written about the squeeze play ... Then I might not have found anything to write about today ...

All would have been right with the space time continuum.

The Summer Olympics will be taking place soon in Beijing, China. What better way to set the space time continuum back in order than to post some Olympic jokes. Let's begin with the newest Olympic event in which the Americans are heavily favored to take the Gold.

New Olympic Event -Don't try this at home!


OLYMPIC CONDOMS

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she asks, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"


THE GOLD MEDALIST

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.

The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."

The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."

The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."

She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."

"How so?"

"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."



Olympic Wrestlers

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"

The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face.

"I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.

"You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

No.1318

Friday, April 11, 2008

Is That All There Is?


CALORIES BURNED DURING SEX! *


REMOVING HER CLOTHES:

With her consent
12 Calories

Without her consent
2,187 Calories


OPENING HER BRA:

With both hands
8 Calories

With one hand
12 Calories

With your teeth
485 Calories


PUTTING ON A CONDOM:

With an erection
6 Calories

Without an erection
3,315 Calories


POSITIONS:

Missionary
12 Calories

69 lying down
78 Calories

69 standing up
812 Calories

Wheelbarrow
216 Calories

Doggy Style
326 Calories

Italian chandelier
2,912 Calories


ORGASMS:

Real
112 Calories

Fake
1,315 Calories


POST ORGASM:

Lying in bed hugging
18 Calories

Getting up immediately
36 Calories

Explaining why you got out of bed immediately
816 Calories


GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:

If you are:

20-29 years -36 Calories

30-39 years -80 Calories

40-49 years -124 Calories

50-59 years -1,972 Calories

60-69 years -7,916 Calories

70 and over -Results are still pending


DRESSING AFTERWARDS:

Calmly..
32 Calories

In a hurry
98 Calories

With her father knocking at the door
5,218 Calories

With your wife knocking at the door
13,521 Calories

Results may vary!


THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD

Right now, as you read this,

69 Million Americans are having SEX!

And you're on the computer!!!

*
(Thanks, Earl.)

No.1317

Thursday, April 10, 2008

The Truth, the Whole Truth...?

"Why do I have to keep proving to people that I am not a liar?" - Hillary Clinton - 2000 Senate Campaign

"Lies, lies. You're tellin' me that you'll be true
Lies, Lies. That's all I ever hear from you."
- the Knickerbockers

Lies: The Stuff Legacies Are Made Of

We heard the story of how Hillary and Chelsea Clinton placed themselves in harm's way to support our forces and dodged sniper fire while visiting our troops in the Middle East. - Strike one.

We heard the story that as a Senator from New York she proclaimed opposition to the war in Iraq before Barack Obama. - Strike two.

We can only assume that after sticking both feet in her mouth she'll be tiptoeing the path between the truth, half lies and blatant lies more carefully now. She'll be wearing truth like a badge of honor. If you believe that, I've got a sweet deal for you on a horse I have for sale!

Just when we thought it was safe to believe her (ominous cello music in background) some excerpts from her newest book, "Profiles in Scourge," have been leaked by an anonymous source. The book is purported to be a compilation of her life accomplishments.

The list and detailed explanations of her many, if not historical deeds are quite impressive. However, I cannot help but wonder if the book should be labeled as auto-biographical or satire.

It was interesting to learn that the famous Aunt Jemima Pancake Mix was actually her secret recipe that she provided to the manufacturer for just a 50% share of the profits.

I am glad that she has cleared up one controversial issue in the first chapter. It was she and not Al Gore who invented the Internet!

She reveals that she was a studio member of the Spice Girls. She went by the name of "Rash" Spice.

It was shocking to read that she mailed music and lyrics she had written to John Lennon and Paul McCartney. She never forgave them for not giving her credit when the songs were released.

She is very proud to inform readers that she once served as the military advisor to Joan of Arc. She gave the famous woman the confidence to go into battle and taught her the necessary leadership skills to lead an army.

Hillary expresses anger toward the French because they called her Joan of Arc as a shortened form of "Joan of Arcadia." She hopes that one day historians will correct the egregious error and use the proper title, "Joan of Arkansas."

She weaves a fascinating account of her long-time friendship with Anne Boleyn. She tells how she helped the shy and unassuming woman to take pride in herself and to work hard to get what she wanted. She advised her to chase Henry VIII and go for the throne. She told Anne that one day she herself was going to do the same thing.

So it was that Anne Boleyn gained the same chutzpah possessed by her mentor to become a power-hungry figure who set her sights high and went after it with unbridled vigor. She soon succeeded in her quest for the throne when Henry had his marriage to Catherine annulled. Although Hillary told her not to lose her head over any man, her advice fell on deaf ears.

To the right is the ill-fated Anne Boleyn shortly after the confrontation of the back of her neck and the business end of the blade of a guillotine.

I was much surprised to learn that Betsy Ross did not know how to use a needle and thread, much less design and make our nation's first flag. She had to take a crash course.

Sure enough, it was Hillary there to teach her how to not only sew, but to embroider, quilt, tat, knit and crochet. Hillary expresses some disappointment that Betsy did not follow her original pattern, which had blue and white stripes and red stars on a white field.

Later on Hillary would write the lyrics to an anthem befitting America's flag. She penned the words while Francis Scott Key cowered in the corner of his cell while the bombs were bursting in air.

The above excerpts are just a teaser of a plethora of tales that Hillary feels the voting public should know about her and her life.

There is one anecdote that will be included in her book to which she protested, but as a prerequisite to her cash advance the publisher insisted it remain.

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you," asked Hillary? "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me!"

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

Finally, Hillary, in a forward to the book, states that when she achieves her goal of sitting on the throne in the White House, she will not make the same mistake as her protege, the late Anne Boleyn. She will not lose her head.

When necessary she will keep a miniature guillotine on her desk in the Oval Office as a reminder of her power and her legacy. The device will be a working model designed with a small basket just the right dimensions for the First Husband's testicles.

No.1316

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Omphaloskepsis

This evening I was engrossed in a session of omphaloskepsis, a practice I seem to fall into often lately. As you are aware, an omphalos is defined as a central point, or hub, a point of focus; hence omphaloskepsis is the contemplation of one's navel, the geographical center of the human body.

There are a number of reasons for one to contemplate his or her navel, not the least of which - said navel is attached to him or her. The navel or if you prefer, belly button, offers one's hands and fingers a central point, an omphalos of interest as an alternative to the more inviting places to the north and to the south.

The navel's prominence in our lives begins at birth. You might say that it is the "outlet" into which the umbilical cord is plugged as a power source from our mothers' nutrients. It is the remnant left behind when that connection is severed. I don't why it is that some navels recede inward and others extend outward. I am not interested in partaking of any research to learn why.

Depending on the "superstructure" that navels reside upon, they come in many sizes and two basic shapes. When it comes to shapes there are of course your standard navels: the "innies" and the "outies." Is one more desirable than the other? Is one more attractive than the other? Like other parts of the human anatomy it comes down to personal tastes and preferences.

In Eastern religions the navel is considered the most important center in Tantra, Para-Tan Ayurveda and Taoist healing practices. The navel is where negative emotions, stress, tension and sickness accumulate and congest.

If I were to contemplate the navel at the right, my attention is initially lured there because of the jewelry bedecking it. Honestly, while the navel is the omphalos of the image, my attention does not linger there for long. It's true that since I am representative of the male of the species, my interest in the picture differs from that of a female. It's that primal animal trait of the male of the species!
Now with this picture of a man with the same torso area exposed, I'm sure that a woman's interest would find her eyes drifting southward. It's that primal animal trait in the female of the species!

Besides being the omphalos of the human body, the belly button can actually serve some useful purposes. It can be used as a focal point while allowing one's stomach to conveniently obscure the view of a bathroom scale.

Anyone who possesses an "innie" can appreciate the navel's valuable ability to be a catchall for cracker or cookie crumbs. It can also serve as a repository for lint. Just where would all that lint end up if not for the navel?

In the present times the navel has been getting more attention than ever. This is due in part because of the in-vogue style of pierced belly buttons. It seems that no part of the human body is immune to pierced jewelry, but I won't let this post drift north or south of the navel.

So it is that my omphaloskepsis has led me down this path, blazing a trail to the navel. Yes, sometimes the act of contemplating one's navel can lead one to great discoveries, great ideas, and perhaps even great works of literature.

Alas, such contemplation has led me only to ... this post!

No.1315

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Blonde, Jane Blonde

Explosive Interlude*

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest!"

He tells her, "That’s 100 lbs of dynamite, Baby."

He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have!"

The body builder tells her, "That’s another 100 lbs of dynamite, baby."

He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the flat screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.

He catches up to her and asks, "Why did you run?"

The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"

The Great Blonde Bank Robbery*


Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Judy plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Buffy, in great detail.

The robbery begins...

Judy drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Buffy, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"

"Perfectly," said Buffy.

Buffy goes in the bank while Judy waits in the getaway car. One minute passes... Two minutes pass... Seven minutes pass... and Judy is really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Buffy.

She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.

As the gals are getting away, Judy says, "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"

Buffy said, "I did... I did exactly what you said!"

"No, you idiot," said Judy. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"

*The two previous jokes were taken from Phils Phun.
Record Setting

One day a blonde decided to try nude water skiing.

She finally found a man who would drive the boat and keep his eyes on the water ahead. She sat on the edge of the dock and slipped her feet into the skis and then signaled to the driver of the boat that she was ready.

After failing to remain on the skis and falling into the water she finally got the hang of it. Soon she was gracefully water skiing like a pro. Excited by the thrill of the sport she kept telling the driver to go faster ... and faster.

When the boat hit its top speed the driver had to turn quickly to avoid the shore. The blonde flew out of her skis head over heels into the water, still holding onto the tow rope.

By the time the boat came to a stop, the blonde had set a new World Record in
... the 100 Yard Douche!


Bus Stop

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young blonde woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that would give her enough slack to raise her leg, but found she couldn't reach the step.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time, attempted the step. Once again she could not raise her leg, much to her chagrin.

With a smile to the driver, she again reached behind her to unzip a little more, but was still unable to take the step.

About this time, a large bloke who was standing behind her, picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body? I don't even know you."

The bloke smiled and said, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

No.1314

Monday, April 07, 2008

Echoes of Eddie -15

Can a dead man reach out from the grave to exact revenge against those responsible for his death? Welcome to the fifteenth installment of a story that explores that possibility. If you've not done so, read the story from the beginning HERE.

"Who was on the phone, dear?"

She was startled by her mother's voice. She'd been so deep in thought she had not heard her approach. "Oh, Mom. It was a ... friend. Guess what? I've been invited to a party!" she exclaimed.

"Wonderful! It'll do you good to get out for a change. Between your job and staying cooped up in the house with me all the time, what kind of a life is that for a pretty young single girl?"

She looked up to the ceiling and rolled her eyes. She was about to hear for the umpteenth time that 'When are you going to meet a nice man, get married and make me a grandmother?' speech.


When Steve entered the kitchen both Catherine and Jack were seated at the table. They were trying to look busy while occupying themselves with a deck of cards. He sat down in the chair opposite his sister and watched their game of double solitaire for a few moments. He raised an eyebrow when Catherine placed a black Queen upon a black King. Steve could see Jack's cards and noticed that he had a red Queen but he did not challenge her misplay.

"Ahem ... So what did the doctor's say about Mom?" he asked looking first at one and then the other.

Catherine spoke from behind the cards in her hands, "They're running tests - all kinds of them. I can't remember all those names and letters. They'll call us as soon as they know something. She's in good hands, Steven."

He turned his attention to his brother, "They must have some kind of an idea of what they're testing for!" His remarks were at first met with silence. When Jack returned his gaze he queried, "Well, don't they?"

"Steve," Jack responded at long last, "They know what they are doing. They're doctors for crying out loud!" He stood abruptly and stormed from the room toward the back of the house.

"He's upset, Steve. Can't you see that?" Catherine offered as he followed his brother's path from the table.

He shook his head in frustration and replied, "Upset? Then why is he ... Why are both of you acting so cavalier? Our mother is comatose! It's not like it's a nap or something!"

His words had no more than cleared his lips when he realized he was being insensitive of his sibling's feelings. They were dealing with the crisis in their own ways. How could he know what they were feeling?

Tears in her eyes, his sister answered, "Look ... Steve, we just don't wish to think about or discuss the worst that could happen to Mama. We ... We hope she wakes up ... Soon!"

"I'm sorry, sis. It's just that there is so much going on. I'm starting to come unglued." He rose and moved behind her. Gently squeezing her shoulders in attempt to comfort her he said, "Excuse me, please. I'd better go apologize to Jack."

As Steve was ascending the stairway he wasn't sure of what to say to his brother. He never was one for small talk. He paused at the door and took a deep breath. Ignoring the faded skull and crossbones beneath the words "Keep Out!", he pushed the door open and entered the room. Jack was standing by the window looking out over the backyard.

He joined him at the window and gently nudged him with his elbow. "Jack ... I'm sorry. I'm ... We're all a little on edge. I ... feel ... well, sort of out the loop," he said.

Jack turned and faced him and then retorted, "Out of the loop? Like you were in the loop the last ten years?"

Steve winced at his brother's burning remark. It was an uncomfortable moment. He wasn't sure how to react. He wanted no conflict with Jack. Alas, time had not healed the old wounds and apparently the scars were still very tender.

He glanced at the desk next to him. His eyes were drawn to a familiar object standing next to a calculator. It was a six-inch-tall Tyrannosaurus Rex, its body articulated as if it were stalking prey. A wave of memories swept over him as he picked up the plastic creature.

Without warning Jack grabbed the toy, wresting it from Steve's grasp. "Let that alone! Don't touch it!" Jack bellowed. His tone turned somber and he muttered, "It's the only piece of David I have left."

Steve stood in silence watching as Jack held the toy against his chest. He was touched by a tender side of his brother that he'd never seen before. He turned away to allow his brother unobserved, to wipe away a tear that trailed down his cheek.


Jock Thompson hated this damned old road through Soddy-Daisy. It had too many bends and hairpin turns, not to mention all the blind driveways as it snaked its way south to Chattanooga. He'd been hauling scrap iron for more than thirty years over some bad stretches of highway, but this one was one of the worst.

As he deftly maneuvered around one of several double "S" curves before reaching the outskirts of the town, he felt the load in back shift a bit. "Damn," he thought, "I hope those idiots back at the yard tightened all those chains." As a precaution, he began to slow down knowing that there was a straight stretch of road just ahead. He'd have to pull over, get out and check all the chains that secured the load of salvaged twenty-foot lengths of I-beams.


"Hello? Six o'clock, you say? At the quarry? Good. Maybe we can end it once and for all," the young man said into his cell phone. Brad Sampson smiled with satisfaction as he flipped the cover closed. He glanced momentarily down at the console as he placed the phone into one of the cup holder wells.


He had just come out of the last of the curves and had began to slow down when something blue darted in front of him. He slammed the brakes and the large tractor and iron-laden trailer bounced roughly to a halt. He had felt his load shift again. Cursing under his breath, Thompson lowered himself from the cab.

He looked all around but could see no sign of whatever it was that had crossed his path. He shook his head and remembered that there was a convenience store down the road that gave out light blue plastic bags. He figured that it must have been a discarded one blown by the wind.

"Damn it!" he swore aloud. He stood still, hands on hips, as he gazed at an I-beam projecting from the back of the trailer. It had slid backward and was dangling a full ten feet over the road behind his rig.


Brad looked up just in time to see the truck ahead. If he saw the I-beam at all, it was in the same instant that it came smashing through the windshield.

( to be continued.... Echoes of Eddie -16).)

No.1313

Sunday, April 06, 2008

Clear and President Danger

What will you buy with your rebate check?

Milk?
Bread?




Economic factors considered, will Bush's "booster" check make much of a difference in the typical American's life? Dubya says we are not in a recession. Funny, I don't remember the economy in such a state since the Reagan years. Is Dubyanomics really any different from Reaganomics?

Which is more expensive per gallon, milk or gasoline? Depending on what part of the country you call home, they are probably running neck and neck.

Pardon the pun, but why am I beating around the Bush? Let's get to the jokes.

Artificial intelligence

A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back,complaining that the radio was not working.

"Madam," said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!"

She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, "Nelson." The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" She was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.

She was stopped at a traffic light enjoying "On The Road Again" when the light turned green and she pulled out. Suddenly an enormous sports utility vehicle coming from the street she was crossing sped toward her, obviously not paying attention to the light. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision.

"Idiot!" she yelled and, from the radio, "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."

Defending the Honor of Texas

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."

A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man.

This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush country!"

"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

Dubya Mnemonic

Everyone knows that with his command of the English language, Dubya is the Malopropmeister. But have you ever wondered how he remembers the numerous countries and their names? He uses a form of mnemonics (which he pronounces as muh-nim-uh-mix). What follows is a list of countries and places using Dubya Mnemonics. You might not be able to figure out all of them, but don't despair, we are talking about "Bush-speak."

You've Got" Mali
"Help Me" Rwanda
"Head" Laos
"Milk of" Malaysia
"Cold" Turkey
"Elbow" Greece
"Shake" Djibouti
"Malta "Cronkite"
"Seven-Up, The" Angola
"Jailhouse" Iraq
"Electric" Qatar
"Rubber" Czech Republic
Belarus "Lugosi"
"Hand" Grenada
Belize "Navidad"
"Ice" Cuba
"Four-Door" Sudan
"Jacket and" Thailand
"Steady" Cambodia
"Tea for" Tunisia
Ghana "Get a Witness?"
"Vanilla" Iceland
"Perry" Comoros
"Gentle" Benin
"Neither" Norway
"Either" Andorra
"Killer" Wales
"Wig" Guam
Tonga "Depressor"
"Wheat" Germany
"Dee" Luxembourg
"Six" Pakistan
"Frasier" Ukraine
"Sir Thomas" Malawi
"Al" Gabon
"The Cat's" Macau
"East of" Sweden
"Ebony and" Ivory Coast
"Night of the" Botswana
"Thurgood" Marshall Islands
"Willy" Oman
Hungary "Heart"
"Things I" Haiti "About You"
"Have You Ever Been Ex" Syria
"Less Talk" Morocco
"When It Rains, It" Singapore
Libya? "I Hardly Know Her"
"Two Big Macs" Togo
"I Promise I'll" Palau
"Martina Navra" Moldova

President Bush said he would like America to establish a permanent base on the moon. This is all part of his plan to get Americans used to an environment where the air is un-breathable and there are no trees. - Jay Leno

No.1312