Double-0 Dubya

On his Imaginations Secret Service

00W is back. He's back with all the action. He's back with all the gadgets. He's back at all the exotic locations. He's back with evil villians. He's back with all the women. (Will you settle for Laura and Condi?)

00W is back with a vengence. He's going to kick ass and take names. He's going to make the world a safer place! He is ... On His Imaginations Secret Service.

You are familiar with the previous feature films. You remember the villians. You remember the seat-of-your-pants thrills. You remember the threats to our welfare.

First, there was No Dr.s about the confusion and threat to our seniors about their
prescription medicines.

In Katrina Royale he is the blowhard after the blow of a hurricane. He shows his skills at dealing from the bottom of the deck.

That was followed up by The Man With the Missing WMD. So, where are the freaking things?

Who can forget the drama of his rise to power as president in Muckraker ?

Who can forget the intrigue surrounding the brutality of his Vice president as shown in License To Shoot ?

There was the action packed Blunder All and the search for the weapons of mass destruction.

He shows his mettle and brave ability to hide in an airplane on 9/11 in From Osama With Hate.

His ability to fool the public is revealed in Old Lingerer when he is re-elected.

Dubya's command of he English language is show cased when he discusses nookie-year bombs in The Word Is Not Enough.

For Your Oil Only has shown his resolve to maintain the flow of oil into Mobil-Exxon's refineries.

The influence of George Sr. is evident in OctoWussy.

A View To Shill tells of the corruption of Halliburton and Cheney's involvement.

Eventually 00W faces his destiny when he must leave office in You Only Serve Twice which will be the last of the series, scheduled for a 2008 release.

Coming soon there will be a boxed CD collectors set of all 21 of the 00W classic films. Also included will be Live and Let Lie, Lie Another Day, Tomorrow Ever Lies, Golden Lie, The SpyWho Lied To Me, Lies Are Forever, and the film that asks what will be scared out of you if brother Jeb makes a run at he White House - The Living Daylights.

It seems sometimes that things happen in threes. Last night we lost a third actor to death. This is just a brief thought of recognition to say that they will be missed. Rest in peace: Don Knotts, Darren McGaven, and Dennis Weaver. God bless you, Barney Fife, Carl Kolshak, and Chester Goode.

No.550

You Gotta Have Balls!

Does she or doesn't she? Only her athletic director knows for sure.

Not anymore. This X-ray proves it. They are real - real honest to goodness basketballs ! It seems she had struck a deal with Spalding to supplement her Playboy royalties.

It gives a new found meaning to March Madness. Alas, Pam will be inelligible to participate in the Road to the Final four. You see, they aren't regulation. While they bounce well enough and are firm enough, the NCAA has rejected them from competition. In the tournament they have declared Wilson the official basketball.

Her balls have, however, been declared acceptable for practice. They are easily palmed. Two can be handled at the same time.

Similar events happened with the balls in the previous World Cup competition in soccer. The players kept mistaking the balls several of the female fans were sporting for the official game balls.

Said one official overseeing the NCAA, "Believe it or not, but we want this problem to get out of hand." It has been suggested that female cheerleaders and fans seated at floor level will have to be inspected. There have been many volunteers for these jobs.

There was an incident in a college football last season. A certain cheerleader was grabbed by a defensive back. Thinking he had made an interception, he took off for the end zone. The officials, realizing his innocent mistake, gave chase. They feared he would slam the "football" to the ground when he crossed the goal line. The player, trying to tighten his grip on the ball, inexplicably fumbled. They estimated that there were more than twenty-two men who dove into the pile of bodies groping for the loose ball. After the players were removed from the pile, the cheerleader lay there stunned and topless. Seeing two footballs, the officials called a forfeit against both teams and declared the cheerleaders the winner. The very buxom cheerleader was hoisted aloft by her companions in a scene that was cut by even ESPN.

Bigwigs in charge of both golf and baseball have decided to take measures to insure that these errors in judgement do not interfere with their respective sports. While baseball and golf use balls considerably smaller than the other sports, they will take precautions. Said the commissioner of Major League Baseball, "We aren't worried about the balls. It's the bats that concern us. Likewise the officials of the PGA Tour agreed, stating they were going to be aware of the golfers' clubs.

Hockey, however, has declined to explore the matter. The officials of womens hockey associations have stated that since they don't use balls, there should be no problem with pucks. (They apparently have never seen some of these runway models.) The NHL, on the other hand, welcomes the possible confusion regarding sticks. Their reasoning is that not much happens on the ice anyway. This was painfully displayed by the U.S. Hockey team's showing in the recent Olympics. It seems that anything that will draw a few more bucks at the gate is acceptable to Hockey.

No.549

Condom-Nation

~
Over at her Blog, Karen had a brief post that posed the question, "What if condoms were corporate sponsored?" She had two good examples, which spawned this post of mine today. She had condoms sponsored by Nike which bore the slogan "Just do it." The other was condoms sponsored by McDonalds' bearing "We love to see you smile."
....To her comments I suggested using Wendys' "Big and Juicy," and are you ready for this "Where's the beef?" I also threw out the old Alka Seltzer jingle "Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is."
....Then another commenter, Canadian Dude, added Budweiser's "This Bud's for you," Pontiac's "We are driving excitement," and McDonalds' "I'm loving it." (By the way it behooves you to visit his site, he has some funny stuff there.)

....Surprise, surprise, I was compelled to come up with a Blog on that same theme. So I took the idea and ran with it. Without further adieu here is a list, including those above.

Corporate Sponors of Condoms

1. Access - Your flexible friend. *
2. Alka Seltzer - Plop, Plop, Fizz, Fizz, Oh what a relief it is.
3. Alka Seltzer - I can't believe I ate the whole thing.
4. Alka Seltzer - That's a speecy-spicy meat-a-ball!
5. BMW - The ultimate driving machine.
6. Bacardi Silver Premium Malt - Your night just got more interesting.
7. Blockbuster - Make it a Blockbuster night.
8. Bounty Towels - The quicker picker-upper.
9. Braniff Airlines - If you've got it, flaunt it.
10. Brylcream - A little dab'll do ya.
11. Burger King - Have it your way.
12. Budweiser - This Bud's for you. (Canadian Dude)
13. Campbells' Soups - M'm! M'm! Good!
14. Chevy Trucks - Like a rock! (Karen )
15. Chicken Assoc. - It's what's for dinner. (Stringman )
16. Coca Cola - It's the real thing. ( Stringman )
17. Deere - Nothing runs like a Deere.
18. Degree Deodorant - It won't let you down.
19. Energizer - It just keeps going .. and going .. and going .. ( Karen )
20. Exxon (Esso) - Put a tiger in your tank.
21. Federal Express - When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
22. Folgers - The best part of waking up, is Folgers in your cup. (Fn Queen )
23. Full Throttle - Let Your Man Out.
24. Hallmark - When you care to send the very best.
25. Hotjobs.com - Onward. Upward.
26. KFC - Finger lickin' good. ( Karen )
27. M&M's - It melts in your mouth, not in your hand. ( Karen )
28. Maxwell House - Good to the last drop.
29. McDonalds - I'm loving it. ( Canadian Dude )
30. McDonalds - We love to see you smile. ( Karen )
31. Microsoft - Where do you want it today?
32. Miller Beer - Tastes great! Less filling! ( Fn Queen )
33. Monster.Com - Find the one you dig.
34. Mountain Dew - Obey your thirst. ( Stringman )
35. Nike - Just do it! ( Karen )
36. Nuprin - Little. Yellow. Different. (Monty )
37. Peter Paul Mounds - Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't.
38. Pontiac - We are driving excitement. ( Canadian Dude )
39. Pork Assoc. - The other white meat.
40. Pringles - Once you pop, you can't stop! ( Karen )
41. Radio Times - If it's on, it's in. *
42. Timex - It takes a licking and keeps on ticking.
43. Toyota - I love what you do for me. ( Stringman )
44. Twinkies - Hey! Where's the cream filling? ( Fn Queen )
45. U.S. Army - Be all you can be.
46. Visa - It's everywhere you want to be.
47. Volkswagen - Drivers wanted.
48. Wendys - Big and juicy.
49. Wendys - Where's the beef?

There you have it, a pretty good sized list. If you can think of some more, I'll add them to the list and give you credit, of course! Isn't it amazing how many products are designed to keep us safe ?

* These two I never heard of before, but they fit the theme. (Pardon the pun.)

No.548

Technophobic Tendencies

When I first learned the computer and was taking my first tentative steps into the cyber world, I admit that I was nervous. I was afraid that if I hit the wrong key, I would surely break something. I avoided anything that said download or attachment anywhere on the screen. I had heard so many stories about viruses I chose to exercise caution to a fault.

My first year or so of being on line found me limiting myself to e-mail, IMing my sister, a few on-line games, and fantasy sports. I had worked with computers for many years at the work place. During that period, I was considered computer savvy. This took place before the internet as we know it today. PCs were a new technology just beginning to show up on the desks in offices. They were still a long way from becoming affordable and practical in the private home.

You were a valuable employ if you knew Lotus and Word Perfect. I was proficient in Base and was in the process of learning SQL when I made my career change. From July of 1992 until September of 1997, I had no direct contact whatsoever with a computer. The software and hardware that were introduced during that period left me behind in a cloud of dust.

It wasn't until my daughter bought a PC that the computer reentered my life. It was deja vu , just as she programmed the VCR, she became the computer instructor to both me and my wife. In the end, she created two monsters. We actually used to fight over computer time! Almost overnight, the computer replaced the television as the center of information as well as the source of entertainment in our lives.

This picture, which I harvested from Kenju some time ago, kind of says it all. At the present time we have two computers. We ran the gamut from dial-up to DSL to High Speed connections, and now the two of us are firmly entrenched techophiles.

Then in January of 2004, I took the leap of faith and dared to tread the waters of blogging. I laugh now at those early walking-on-thin-ice days. In fact the picture at the top of this post might have actually helped me back then to understand the interface of all the equipment. I didn't have to teach myself to be silly or funny, that came naturally. I did have to learn some HTML and still have a lot more to learn.

One thing I do know now, if I hit the wrong key, nothing will break and the computer will not explode into a million pieces. (I stole this picture from Jules just yesterday.)

I have learned that most of the times when something goes wrong, it's the computer's fault! I would never type in a wrong password. I would never misspell a word. I am not prone to typos. Things only go wrong when the computer acts up and goes bonkers.

As an aside, I am jumping off onto another tangent. I was watching a special about Italian-made automobiles. After seeing Masserattis and Lambourghinis, I realized that the only thing I own that goes from 0 to 200 that fast is my bathroom scale!
....Not that I could afford to buy either one anyway, but the economy is so bad that even hot cakes are no longer selling like hotcakes!

Here again I'll blame the computer - it's eBay's fault!

No.547

Two Thumbs Up

~
I have developed an Olympian thumb. The thumb on my right hand has been bulked up considerably over he past week or so. That Herculean appendage can easily overpower the other digits. The middle finger, once the supreme ruler of my hand has had to bow before my mighty thumb. It seems that the constant channel surfing with my remote aimed at the TV set, has proven to be a extensive, if not accidental, training regimen.
....I have come to the realization that I need to transfer the remote to my left hand. Perhaps during the remaining time that the Winter Olympics are running, I can also build up that hand's thumb.
....Of course, I will have to worry about public perception. I mean, how many people who happen to glance at my hands, will immediately become suspicious. I can almost hear the accusations now! There will be all those whispers behind my back. Aspersions will be cast regarding the sudden muscularity of my thumb. Yes, there will no doubt be insinuations about steroids. .... No one will believe that their marked growth was the direct result of an extensive program of exercise. No one will buy my claims that the growth was due to many hours of reps comprised of changing channels to and from one of the most boring Olympics in recent memory. (At least in my memory.)

I defy anyone to convince me that ....Curling....is a sport! Watching prima donnas skate around in skimpy outfits isn't interesting, and while it is ascetically pleasing, it isn't what the Olympics are about. Who likes figure skating besides women? Well, it does give Scott Hamilton and Dick Button something to do, otherwise nobody would even know or care who they are.

The original Olympians were just a bunch of naked Greek men. Don't think for one minute they would have competed in the winter time! They would've froze them off! Back then women weren't allowed to watch the games, let alone participate in them.
....There is where the Athenians and the Spatans got it all wrong! Just think of the sold out stadiums they never got to see. They could have made a pile, Hoss! Just think of the ratings the addition of naked female contestants would have rendered. Well, they missed the boat on all those Drachmas. I can picture Socrates in his Sunday best whites, sandals and laurel wreath opening the Olympics with the proclamation, "The thrill of victory ... The agony of defeat ... spanning all of Greece ..." What happened? They didn't realize the money, the pile that could be made. The Greek OLympics went belly up!

Over the centuries the Olympics were dumbed down. The athletes had to wear clothes to the extent that their privates were covered. More and more events were added so that we the viewers could not see all of them. Fact of the matter, they didn't want us to know just how stupid some of the events actually are. The purpose of so many events was to insure that auto companies, oil conglomerates and Wheaties made their piles.
....For a while we only had the Summer Olympics and all was right from Mount Olympus. Zeus and Athena ran the office pools and made their piles. When Synchronized swimming was being held, the two head honchos slipped down to earth and took the form of humans and sought out some strange.
....Then one day, some guy freezing his ass off in his kitchen somewhere in Iceland, decided it was a good idea to start up some Olympic games in the winter months. He didn't have a clue about geography or meteorology, and as such didn't realize that other places didn't have winter almost all year round like his country. As stupid as the idea was, there are always stupid people who will listen to lame ideas, especially if there is a chance to make a pile.
....This same guy took his family out in that era's version of a convertible for a sleigh ride down to the local drive-in diner. As he watched the Sleigh Hop skate out to his sleigh, he marveled at how she was able to maneuver around the other waitresses, trash recepticles, and sleigh teams. He then had an epiphany. He imagined the Sleigh Hops in competition in front of a paying audience. Yes, he realized there was a pile to be made. One of the waitresses could even write her name in the ice with her skate blades. Her name, when written out in English was loosely translated as "8."
....When the events began, she always won since the other girls couldn't spell their names with lifting their skates from the ice. So eventually they all wrote the name of the first girl. To maintain integrity of the name he'd coined, he had the girls wear skimpy tight costumes to show off their shapely and lithe bodies - hence, Figure Skating.
....A neighbor, jealous of the other man's accumulating riches, decided to invent his own winter competition. He took some old oil lamps he used for ice fishing at night, and copied from the game of Shuffleboard. Because of complaints and pressure from Cunard Lines, who were introducing shuffleboard on their latest liner, The Titanic, he was forcedto drop the name Shuffleboard On Ice. He finally chose a name one night during a match of his new game when nearly all of the players showed up sick. The players claimed it was because of eating too much elk for supper. In time, it has been suspected that their nausea was brought on from eating "yellow" snow. As he watched them up-chucking, he realized that hurling wouldn't work, but curling would. So chosen because it rhymed with hurling, the name Curling soon caught on.
....The "sport" survives to this day. It is remembered because no one can figure out where the name came from and why anyone is stupid enough to play it, or watch it for that matter. The biggest and most perplexing question, of course, is WTF is it doing in the Olympics? Through it all, it is also remembered because many people end up "hurling" every time they try to watch Curling. It has been suggested that most of the "sports" participants and fans are actually practicing bulimics.

....What has all this have to do with my thumbs, you ask? Well, if they insist on retaining the Winter Olympics, I am going to create my own event, Sphincter Racing. You see, I'll take these two enlarged thumbs, stick them up my ass, and then slide on my fists down the luge tracks. Upon establishing both Olympic and World records, Wheaties will want me on the front of their box! I'll win so many Gold Medals that the Winter Olympics will go bankrupt and shut down forever. As a result, never again will we be subjected to Sphincter Racing and Curling, and as a bonus, we won't have to listen to Scott and Dick.

No.546

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Blog

(A tip of the hat to Miss Cellania for introducing me to another site from which I can harvest pictures and images. It is kind of like giving matches to an arsonist though. At this site not only can I lift images from an archive of 500+ selections, but I can supply my own dialog. Check it out if you'd like to try your hand at it.)


Should I add a few of the comics I created? Oh well, if you insist!
....The first one reminded me of Woody Allen's Everything You Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask.
....The second one, well it seemed like a good caption to me.

You just knew there was going to be some featuring Dubya! I couldn't pass up an opportunity like this, now could I?

Even Ahnold and Marvin wanted to get in on the fun.



Moving along at warp speed:











Finally, a smart dog and some good advice from Dirty Harry!


No.545

The Web He Weaves Us

Dubya has some big decisions to make. What's he going to do after his second term is finally over?

Uncle Ben, just before he died, said to Peter Parker, "With great power comes great responsibility." Only time will tell if Dubya takes responsibility for his Presidential deeds.

I wonder if he would rethink any of his decisions if he happened to pass this church sign? He just might stop and go inside and ask if he could fill out an application.

He wants nothing more than to be hero for his Daddy. His father just wanted him to be a man. Neither one will have their wishes fulfilled.

Like his father, he is in serious need of help to administer some damage control to his image. Every handyman knows that you fix just about anything with duct tape. Bush's problem is that they haven't produced that much duct tape!

He would like to think of himself as a hero, and his administration as team of super heroes.

S
U
P
E
R

S
C
R
E
W
-
U
P
S

!

That's being kind to an almost cartoonish cast of characters!

George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, and Al Gore find themselves out side the Pearly Gates of Heaven on the same day. They are approached by an angel who says, "Before you can enter through the Gate to meet St. Peter, you must cross this river and we will judge how much you have sinned based upon how far you sink."
...Dubya goes first and the water comes up to his neck, but he makes it across. He looks back and sees Gore walking on the water without sinking.
...He appeals to the angel saying, "He's sinned as much as I have! What gives?"
...The angel replies, "He is standing on Clinton's head."

We could give them a mulligan the first time around, but what do you say to those who voted for Bush the second time? How do you know who they are? It's quite simple, they are all either wearing bags over their heads or they are in a state of denial. Hmm ... Sounds like Dubya, doesn't it?

Well, I guess for now Dubya has the best seat in the house. He's on the top rung. It's always the underlings who get shit upon anyway. Why should his supporting cast be treated any different?
Heh, heh! I am reminded of an appropriate joke right now. What? I said I was reminded of a joke, I didn't say I was going to tell it. Okay. Okay.
When asked about his weekend at a press conference, Dubya said, "Laura and I went to see that unicue play "Lay Misser Rob." The press members were able to figure out he was talking about "Les Miserables" easily enough, but were stumped at the word "unicue."
....A reporter in the front row raised his hand and said, "You must mean unique."
"Oh," said Bush, "That's how you pronounciate that word." ( I know - groan!)

No.544

His and Hers

The male brain is a complicated organ. Although some synapses fail to fire from time to time, his brain can handle numerous tasks, all centered around procreation.

The products of those tasks can be readily seen in the devices he has constructed to make his jobs easier. Take as Exhibit A, the TV remote. Only a creature high on the evolutionary plane could have developed this marvel of technology. The special features are made for his specific needs.

Of course, sensitive to her wishes, the remote was adapted for the needs of the female of the species. Her device, like his, is also a wonder of ingenuity. Her remote too, is tailor-made to make her television viewing more pleasurable.

Her brain is also a marvelous and no less complicated organ. Her many abilities and skills surround an inbred need for commitment. Despite the significant differences in the composition and functions of the brains of men and women, they somehow overcome those. It is their obvious physical differences that draw them together.

He says: "Women. You can't live with them. You can't live without them.

She says: "Men. Behind every successful one is a woman!

He says: "Wanna fool around?" (A very convincing romantic line.)

She says: "Did you take out the trash, fix that leak under the sink, repair that loose step, and did you remember to bring home a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk?" (A common amorous reply.)

He says: "Yes." (He has removed all his clothing.)

She says: "Okay. But after the figure skating competition!"

He says: "I thought you said that Dick Button gives you a headache?"

She says: "Yes, he does."

He says: "I'll be right back." (He has put his clothes back on.)

She says: "Where are you going? I thought you wanted to fool around."

He says: "I do. But first I'm heading over to Torino to shoot Dick Button."

No.543

I Present Presidents Precedence

A Presidents Day Special Post

I know, he wasn't President. He qualifies only because he ran against Dubya! What's he pointing at, anyway? Haven't you figured it out? He wants you to pull his finger!!

If you pulled his finger, what do think would happen? What are you afraid of? Click here, if you dare, to find out! (Click either image.)

In honor of Presidents Day K-Tel is introducing The Wind-Up Dubya Toy. Just wind it up and watch it march about in a realistic cathargic manner just like the real thing. It will walk in circles rather than taking the shorter straight line. A recorded voice attempts to pronounce nuclear with seven different authenic versions.

Should you choose to also purchase The Buckshot Cheney Toy, you can accessorize the Dubya Toy with a bullet-proof vest. Every time the Bush Toy walks in his line of fire, the Cheney Toy lets off a volley.

Even the President of the United States had to submit to a pecker check at the grand opening of a Washington D.C. strip club. Rumor has it that he was denied admittance. Apparently he didn't see the sign at the entrance that read: "Must Be This __ Big For Rides." Although he was unarmed, Dick Cheney was thrown out for shooting at one the waitresses.

It was learned that Dubya was given a certificate at the door as he was leaving. Although unconfirmed, the copy at the right is said to be an exact duplicate of the one our President received. He will probably hang it next to all of his military medals.

For those of you who have wondered just who is running things in the White House, I submit this recent picture of Dubya with his father. It has long been theorized that Junior is doing the old man's bidding by invading Iraq. Another suggestion has it that a higher power and more influential forces are at work.

It has been learned that Dubya has been meeting with a film crew over the last several weeks. It seems that a documentary directed by Ken Burns is in the planning stages. The famous film maker is said to be interested in recording the accomplishments of the Bush Presidency.

The director released a statement stating that negotiations are on-going. Because of the busy schedules of the President and his staff, the film crew has been seen taking stills on and about the White House lawn. While Burns wishes to film an accurate account of the Bush's Presidential career, there have been some attempts by the White House staff to put their own spin on the film. It seems they have their own ideas about their place in history.

The film when completed will be produced and released direct to video and DVD and simulcast on PBS on the same day this summer. The official release date is not known at this time. Here is a look at the proposed jacket and promotional poster for the film.

There was also a rumor circulating that Dubya has started committing to paper his memoirs. Your guess is as good as the next person whether he'll be writing it himself, or if George Senior will take up the pen, or even if it may be ghosted by the team of Pinky and the Brain.

What would this masterpiece be titled, I wonder? George, By George ? Here Lies George? It has to have a catchy original title.

Eureka! I have it! It will be called: The Bush Diary: The Pursonel Dieree of Dubya in His Own Write.

Have a happy Presidents Day.

No.542

No Butts About It

I have decided to take up a cause that's near and dear to Old Hoss ! By his reckoning, finding and displaying butt crack pics will eventually deplete the supply. There will come a day when they will be no more!

Greenpeace will no doubt be up in arms if anything is done to disturb the endangered White Rump Whale or its habitat. It is rumored that this whale took up tennis. (See Below.)

A fourth installment of Tolkien's Middle earth series is in the works. The Lord of the Strings will pick up where the original trilogy ended. Evil witch twins pose a new threat to the battle worn heroes. Budgetary problems have slowed production and publications of the witches' butt cracks will prove more powerful magic than that of the sorcerer.

A certain tennis player will probably have a problem with this crusade. Even if she scores plenty of love on the court, off court she'll get no love if she has to wear underpants beneath her sexy (?) tennis skirt. What a racket she must have had lobbing that tush around, which by the way doubled as a racquet holder.

A new version of Snow White is currently in the planning stages. The producers will have to reconsider some of the gratuitous sex scenes. In this version, movie goers will see what really happened in those seven little beds in that little home of the seven dwarfs. The move should probably be called Snow White's Butt and the Seven Butt Cracks.
....Tricked by the evil Queen into a torrid lesbian session, Snow White is poisoned by a powerful potion. The poison had been earlier rubbed onto what the Queen called her chest apples.
....Laid out nude in a glass coffin, she is discovered by a handsome stud of a Prince by the name of Prince Alarming. He was so named because of an abnormally large part of his anatomy. It is that part of him that brings Snow White out her deep sleep.
....They lived happily ever after, moving into his castle. The dwarfs became servants, providing service when the Prince was away. The story ends with eight butt cracks glistening in the morning sun.

Finally, the message of this blog and the mission of Hoss is for the total elimination of butt crack pictures on the Internet. It could be considered a public service so that you the reader will never have to be subjected to such objectionable images again. The message is a simple one:

No.541

Rejected Olympic Events

Over the years there have been many events proposed for addition to Olympic competition. What follows is a list of some of those that were rejected by the Olympic committee.

Beer Triathalon (Womens Event)

In this event topless women would ride in a bike race, swim, and run a marathon, all the while holding a can of beer between their breasts. The first to cross the finish and chug-a-lug the beer would be declared the Gold medalist.


Hockey-Boxing (Mens Event)

This event would have featured the only interesting part of a Hockey game - the fighting. The skating would be left to the sissy boy figure skaters. The ice ring, called the Penalty Box, would allow two Hockey goons to duke it out to earn enough points to advance the later rounds. This event would eliminate the possibility of a hockey game breaking out.

The Greasy Pole-Greco Roman Jello Wrestling (Womens Event)

This event would have easily displaced figure skating as the event most watched by women. A large penis-shaped rock is suspended over a pool of set Jello. The penile outcropping would be covered in a thick layer of axle grease. The object of the event would be for the Olympians to wrestle on the gelatinous surface, escape the attempts of an opponent to stop her from reaching the base of the penis and hence attempt to climb onto it. Any contestant who would succeed in mounting it, would then have to reach the head without falling off. Should one fall off, she would then have to wrestle again before trying to straddle the phallic structure another time. The first to reach the head and sit on it would win the event. (There was an outcry by some of the male figure skaters that this should also be a mens event.)

Wrestling-Omelet Cookoff (Both Men and Womens Events)

This unusual event would have featured wrestling with Humpty Dumpty, a L'Eggs man. The Olympians goal would be be to force the eggman man off the ten-foot high wall. The ensuing fall would shatter the egg. The contestant would then have to extract the pair of panty hose from the egg, and put them on. Next, without all the King's men and horses, put Humpty Dumpty back together long enough to carry him to a large skillet. Then, rubbing two sticks together, start a fire, and make an omelet.

The Patch-Sex Smoke-Off (Combined Mens and Womens Event)

In this curious event, the Olympians would have been required to cover their bodies with Nictotine patches, run a half marathon to the site of camping tents. Inside, they would make love and then attempt to smoke a cigarette without going into shock.

The best athletes at this sport curiously all come from trailer parks. Their lifestyles supply them untold hours of practice of wearing The Patch and smoking at the same time. The Americans would have been heavily favored in this event.

Blanket Gas Endurance (Combined Mens and Womens Events)

(No picture available.) In this event, the male would be required to eat a large portion of broccoli and Brussels Sprouts washed down with a gallon of prune juice. He and his female team mate would then crawl into a bed together. When ready, the man would enduce flatulence while pulling and holding the blanket over the womans head. The couple compiling the most farts by the man, coupled by the most minutes under the blanket by the women would advance to the next round. In the second round, the roles of the men and the women would be reversed. Like the previous event, the Trailer park trash of America would be the favorites for the Gold.

There you have it, these are just a few of the events that have been denied a place in Olympic competition. If you know anyone on this committee, use that relationship to pressure them to vote for your favorite event heretofore rejected. Bribe them if you must.

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No.540