Flights of Laughter

Blonde Stewardess

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city.
Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Jihad Better Be Ready

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights. One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. The second is a Cowboy on his way to a livestock show. The third passenger is an Arab college student, newly arrived from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Americans learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.

The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, 'At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few.'

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, 'Once my people were few,' he sneers, 'and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?'

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says: That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet. But I do believe it's a-comin'.'

(The last joke was borrowed from a word gaming friend, Mama Leadfoot over at Yahoo 360.)

(The next one is from my truck-driving buddy, Earl.)

Marriage Made in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in
a fatal airplane accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the
Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in
heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone
has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were
allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the
eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat
bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things
don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a
priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a
lawyer???"


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No.1078

I Learned This At the Movies

Things I would never know if it weren't for the movies...

Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.

One of a pair of identical twins is evil.

Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one... dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.

Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops.

It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down.

If someone says "I'll be right back", they won't.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

No.1077

Where Are They and Who Cares?

(The source of most of the material for this post came from What Ever Happened To. You might want to bookmark this site, but a word of warning, don't visit this site unless you have three or fours of nothing better to do with your time.)

The following is a compendium of well known personalities who you will no doubt remember with great fondness. (Or not!)

~1) -Dorothy McHugh - WHO?- Born Aug. 14, 1907, she was a Zigfield Follies dancer. Not enough information? She is best known for her 'role' as "Mrs. Fletcher." Still not enough information? She is perhaps best known for her line: "I've fallen and I can't get up!". The line was originally spoken in a TV commercial for the medical service, Lifecall.
....Because of that famous line, her death on July 19, 1995 was newsworthy.

~2) -Shirley Ardell Mason -WHO? - Better known as Sybil Dorsett, she became synonymous with multiple personality disorder during the 1970s after the best-selling novel and a TV movie about a woman with 16 personalities.
....Before her death in 1988, she taught art in NYC before finally teaching at the University of Kentucky.

~3) -Peter Ostrum -WHO? - He was none other than Charlie Buckett in the 1971 original version of the film "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory." This was his only venture into acting.
....Now in his 40s, he lives in upstate New York as a veterinarian.

~4) -Morganna Roberts-Cottrell -WHO? - Known as "the Kissing Bandit," this big-breasted Ohio woman spent more than two decades during the 60s and 70s running onto big-league fields and kissing unsuspecting ballplayers. (When not on the fields, she was an exotic dancer.)
....She currently lives with her husband, Bill Cottrell, and three dogs in the suburbs of Columbus, Ohio.

~5) -Valerie Solanas - WHO? - She was the founder and sole member of S.C.U.M. (Society For Cutting Up Men) and the author of The SCUM Manifesto. -WHO? - She is the chick who shot Andy Warhol in 1968!
....Sentenced to a mental institution and released in 1971, she was thought to be living as a drug addicted prostitute in California throughout the 80s. She died of emphysema and pneumonia in 1988 at the age of 52 in a welfare hotel in San Francisco.

~6) -Louise Brown - WHO? - She was the world's first test tube baby.
....She now lives in Bristol, England, working for the post office. She was married in September of 2004 and is currently 29 years old.

~7) -Lance Kerwin - WHO? - He was a popular child actor in the 70s. He is best known for his coming of age role as the star of the TV series, "James at 15."
....As of 2004, he lives on the LA drug and alcohol ranch called 'U-Turn For Christ.' He has embarked on a missionary trek to Indonesia and the Philippines. He has been indoctrined new Priest/Minister.

~8) -Eddie Edwards -WHO? - Nicknamed 'Eddie the Eagle,' he was England's first and only ski-jumper. He was the UK's sole entry in the Calgary winter Olympics in 1988. He came in 56th out of a field of 57, jumping 77 meters, somehow not killing himself.
....He currently works the lecture circuit and does some advertisements.

~9) -Jessica McClure -WHO? - Remember 'Baby Jessica?' At the age of 18 months on Oct. 14,1987, she fell into and became trapped in a well in Midland, Texas. The story of her 3-day rescue made headlines world-wide.
....She has 15 surgeries over the years and doesn't remember the incident at all. On January 30, 2006, she married 32 year-old Daniel Morales in a private ceremony.

10) -MIchael Bergin -WHO? - He was the first male supermodel for Calvin Klein. He starred as JD on "Baywatch."
....He recently wrote a book about his relationship with Carolyn Bessette, who later married John F. Kennedy, Jr. He has launched his own line of men's underwear.

11) -Lisa Loring -WHO? -An American actress, she is best known for playing Wednesday Addams on the the TV show "The Addams FAmily" from 1964 to 1966. She later appeared in the sitcom "The Pruitts of Southampton" and from 1981-83, on the soap opera "As the World Turns."
....Her third husband, Paul David Siederman is better known as porn star, Jerry Butler. They are no longer together. As of 2002, she was reportedly working in public relations for a hotel chain. She also appears at 'Addams Family' conventions.

12) -John Gilchrest -WHO? - He is the little kid in the Life cereal commercial. "Hey, Mikey! He likes it!" He was the subject of jokes, such as: "Didja hear that the 'Hey Mikey' kid died?" -"Yeah, he lost his Life!' He was also the subject of an urban legend story that claimed that he died after his stomach exploded from eating Pop Rocks and drinking Coke.
....He was last reported working as a radio advertising executive in NYC.

13) -Scott Thompson - WHO? - A comedian who invents his own props and goes by the name of Carrot Top.
....As for me, that is more information than I care to know about this character. I don't wish to curse us, lest he returns to do those asinine commercials again!

There you have it, a baker's dozen of famous people that have been keeping you awake at nights wondering "what ever happened to them!"

No.1076

Ya Know What Really Bugs Me...

I suppose I probably do things that bug other people. What bothers me are those who go out of their way to bring those things to my attention. Let them go write a blog about it!

Now that they are occupied, I'll write my own blog about things that bug me!

Ya know what really bugs me ....?

Politicians, who with an entourage of suck-ups or family members stroll into neighborhoods that their shadows have never been cast upon, and will never again whether elected or not, trying to convince total strangers they are the best one for the office.
Political Sign Bearers who think standing outside in all kinds of weather supporting a candidate will assure them of some cushy job that unbeknownst to them has already been promised to the jerk's brother-in-law.
Political Signs stuck in the yards of people who were paid to have them placed there, even though they are voting for someone else.
Political Endorsements by newspapers. (Isn't the Press supposed to be impartial?)
Political Fliers Nuff said?
Fliers left on my windshield while I'm in the store.
Fliers for Pizza shops and landscapers left stuck in my front door.
Fliers stuffed in the daily newspapers. What, they had too many left over from Sunday?
Rosie O'Donnell
Waiters and Waitresses who are not alert enough to see you frantically waving your arms to get their attention, but hone in on you when your mouth is full and ask "Can I get you anything else?" or "Is everything okay?"
Stickers on Produce.
Stickers on CDs and DVDs that seal the edges of the cases and cannot be removed without tearing two or three times.
Barry Bonds and whole steroid controversy.
Colorized black and white old films. It just isn't right.
Infomercials pushing products for $14.95 - and if you act now - you get another one free - and if you use a credit card they throw in a battery-operated nose hair clipper - an $80 value ..... and you pay the unstated S&H fees. (Can anyone else see that they are making money on the shipping and handling charges?)
X Games
Spoiled Brat Celebrities whose only talents are getting either high, drunk or both? (Can't somebody buy a certain few of them some underwear?)
Product Packaging especially on electronic products that requires nothing short of acetylene torches and C4 to open.
Resealable packages that don't reseal.
Pharmaceutical products that have more side effects than those they supposedly cure or relieve.
TV Journalists or news reporters who mispronounce even words that President Bush has no trouble pronouncing.

I could go on and on .... but I won't. I wouldn't want this post to take on the qualities and appearance of a ...rant.

Ya know what else really, really bugs me? There are too many things to mention that bug me!

No.1075

A Slice of Life

For laughs I decided to use the Blogger widget for Polls. Since it was in the news recently, I asked "In light of the Minneapolis bridge collapse, are you nervous about using bridges now?"
....There were only 8 responses and of those, 5 (62.5%) said "NO," and 3 (37.5%)said "YES."
....Yesterday I saw the results of an identical poll taken on a local news telecast.
Interestingly, their results were exactly the opposite of mine: (62.5%-Yes/37.5%-No). While it's true that there were thousands who took their poll, I was still able to come up with a relevant conclusion:
....Bloggers are braver, less inclined to overact, and more sensible than the general population!

Pollin', pollin', pollin',
Pollin', pollin', pollin',
All lies!
They pollin', pollin', pollin',
Though their heads are swollen,
Keep them fogies pollin', all lies!

It Occurred To Me when I recently picked up a prescription, that our government is fighting the wrong people in the war against drugs!

I just read a curious item in the latest Reader's Digest. I spent a great deal of my youth on my grandparent's farm, but I never knew this.
....If you are in a cow pasture, make sure the beasties are far off. Yell to get their attention and then immediately drop down to the ground and lie flat. Supposedly the entire herd will come galloping over and form a tight circle around you. They will stare down at you with intense bovine curiosity.
....Has anyone ever tried this to confirm if is true?

The Customer is Always Right?

A manager of an electronics shop ordered a part, specifically part number 669, from the factory. When it arrived, he noticed that they'd sent him part number 699 instead.
....He fired off an angry letter and sent the part back. A few days later he received the replacement. It was the same part, with a note attached to the shipping paperwork. It note had these four words: "Turn the box over."

Sometimes it is hard to tell a joke from real life.

When You Gotta Go...

An Alabama teen was at the doctor's office for a routine checkup to get clearance to play football. The nurse handed him a urine sample container and told him to fill it up in the bathroom.
....He returned a few minutes later and handed the nurse an empty container. "I didn't need this after all," he said. "There was a toilet in there."

Medicinal Properties of Toilet Paper

Fresh from her shower, a woman stood in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts were too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it was not so, he uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion.
...."If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".
....Willing to try anything, she fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asked.
...."They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
....She stopped rubbing and asked, "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
....Without missing a beat he said "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

20-20 Vision

Another woman was standing nude looking in her bedroom mirror.
....She said to her husband, "I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

....He replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

Little Johnny's Math

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She begrudgingly calls on Little Johnny.
....He replies, "None. They will all fly away with the first gunshot."
....The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."
....Then, Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
...The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

....To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

Life and Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whom ever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
....After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word he made contact, 'Connie....Connie. '
....'Is that you, Joe?'
....'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'
....'That's wonderful! What's it like?'
....'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.'
....'Oh, Joe you surely must be in Heaven!'

'Not exactly... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona!'

Detwins

A Kentucky woman who was three months pregnant fell into a deep coma. Six months later she awoke. She asked the nearest doctor about the fate of her baby.
...."You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine," replied the doctor. "Luckily, your brother named thenm for you."
...."Oh shit, not my brother!" she exclaimed. "He's an idiot! What did he call the girl?"
...."Denise," the doctor answered.
....Thinking that wasn't so bad, she asked, "And what did he call the boy?"

The doctor said, "Denephew."

No.1074

Her Cups Runneth Over (2)

This is the second installment of a short story which began HERE.

A torrid sun; a tropical paradise; a frustrated writer; a cheating wife; a mysterious sultry woman... the ingredients for a forbidden affair? Or the recipe for murder and the perfect crime?

IV

I stopped before the table and was rewarded as she leaned back in her chair arching her back in a graceful cat-like display. Though it had achieved the desired effect, her breasts needed no introduction. For one awkward moment, rising and falling with each breath, they appeared to be straining, protesting the restraints of the dress. In that moment I envisioned that I was a knight in shining armor there to set them free.

Not wanting to break the spell of that moment, my labored voice finally acted, "May I join you?" Damn, I thought. Could I not have thought of something more original, less sophomoric?

She leaned forward placing her elbows onto the table, "I didn't buy you a drink so that you could continue drowning in your sorrows alone." The words stung, was my demeanor so transparent? Sensing my discomfort at her observations she smiled and added, "Why shouldn't we drown together?"

Once I was seated she raised her glass to me and purred, "...And just why is J. Duke Earle drinking alone anyway?"

I touched my glass to hers and stared at her for a moment. So, she knew who I was. It appeared that my attempts at anonymity while at this resort had been for naught. I cleared my throat and replied, " Research, of course. I draw a lot material from dins of iniquity such as this." I made a sweeping motion with my arm to indicate the lounge around us. I took a long sip of my drink allowing my eyes to follow a path from her lips, down her long neck, before finally coming to rest upon the cleft of her bosom. I quickly diverted my eyes back to her face and added, "Where else can a writer stay abreast of the seedy underbelly of the world?"

She laughed heartily, "Ah, and when you write about this seedy underbelly," she mimicked my arm sweep of moments before, "you will be staying ... abreast ... of me?"

I swallowed hard and looked down at my drink. What made me use that word, abreast, in the first place? It certainly was a painfully obvious innuendo, wasn't it? Note to self: this goddess of a woman was no bimbo. No, she was a high-classed dame. She was laughing again, at my unfortunate choice of a colorful adverb?

It was time to change the tone of our conversation. "You seem to have me at a disadvantage. You know who I am, but I don't even know your name," I said.

A demure smile came to her lips, "My friends call me Nova. We are going to be friends, are we not?"

I grinned and nodded, "But of course, Nova. I always strive to be friends with those whom I stay ... abreast."

V

By the time we polished off a couple of more drinks she suggested that I join her for some fresh air and a leisurely stroll on the beach. I nodded and quickly rose to pull her chair back as she stood. It was a breathtaking vantage point that afforded a birds eye view into the bronzed valley between majestic twin peaks.

Beyond her name I still knew very little about her. All the while we had been in the lounge she'd managed to deflect virtually all of the conversation from herself to me. Yet, the more mysterious she remained, the more I found myself drawn to her, almost obsessed with her.

"Nova," I said as we stopped and looked upon the reflection of the moon which was dispersed and fractured upon the sea's gentle waves, "Why is it that you are here, and alone? Surely there are many men who would beat a path to your door." The bright moonlight bathed her exposed skin creating contrasting tones no artist could ever hope to reproduce.

She slipped her hand into mine and turned her head to me. She tiptoed slightly and and whispered into my ear, "I'm not alone now. I like to live for the moment." Her breath was as warm as her next words, "Won't you live this moment with me, John?"
When I moved my head to look at her face, our lips brushed for a moment. We stood motionless peering into the other's eyes. Was she also trying to look into my soul? What was her story? Why me? She moved her hands behind my head and pulled me closer. We kissed long and hard with urgent abandon.

I don't know how she singled me out as the J. Duke Earle. How was it that she not only knew me by the nom de plume I had used for my previous novels, but also knew that the "J" was for John? No one, except for my wife - not even my publisher was privvy to that fact. Of course, it would have been an easy enough guess. She could've guessed Joseph or James just as easily.

I have read enough mystery stories to know that a secretive element is to be expected. In time, it is revealed. At that very moment there was only one mystery to be solved. Would we retire to her place or to mine?

VI

To avoid suspicious knowing glances at the front desk, she entered the hotel lobby alone and proceeded to the elevators. When I saw that the elevator doors had closed on her, I doused the cigarette I hadn't wanted in the bucket by the main entrance.

I stopped at the desk to retrieve any mail or messages that may have been left for me. There was one message. It was from my wife. It read: "I'll be staying over at a friend's place. I'll see you about noonish. Love, Eve." Any other time I would've been both outraged and hurt. I wadded the message into a ball and stuck it in my pocket. She was predictable and I had gambled that night would be no different.

With baited anticipation I paced the inside of the elevator car silently willing the floor numbers above the door to double their rate of ascent. I had given Nova the keys to my suite. She would be inside waiting for me. I was becoming aroused wondering whether she would still be dressed or standing there naked when I entered the room.

When the elevator door finally opened at my floor I froze in mid step as I strode into the hallway. There she stood, a dreamlike vision both angelic and forbidden by the room's door. With the simple motion of raising her arms, the red dress slid into a heap atop her matching high heels. Like the day she had been born, she wore nothing underneath.

Once inside no words were spoken as we undertook the clumsy exercise of removing my clothes. The deed was interrupted by lusty lips planted upon exposed skin and was complicated further with the eager exploration of our hands upon one another. I swept her into my arms and carried to her to the waiting bed. Our desire was too great to bother pulling the bedspread back.

For our erotic trip sleep had not been on our itinerary. Our passionate love making had lasted well into the morning. I remembered dozing once or twice, no, we were cat napping as we lie with our bodies entwined as one.

VII

I heard a familiar rapping sound. My pelvis thrust to its beat. Several times during the night our energy had been so intense that it had caused the bedposts to bang against the wall. I bolted upright. The bed next to me was empty. Nova was gone!

I stumbled about even as the rapping continued. Her dress and her shoes were nowhere to be seen. Then I realized that the persistent rapping was coming from the door. I called out, "Yes? What do you want? Who is it?"

I gained my senses when I heard the response to my queries, "Police, Mr. Earle. Would you care to open the door, please?"

What in the world did the police want and at that hour of the morning? I gazed at my watch to see that it was ... one o'clock in the afternoon? Still the rapping continued. "Just a minute. I'm coming!"

A large burly policeman barged past me into the room followed by a tall lanky man, probably a deputy. "Won't you come in?" I said with a sarcastic tone not missed by the officers.

"Mr. Earle, I have to ask you some questions about your wife?"

"My .. my wife? What about my wife? Oh, God! Is she okay? Has something happened to her?" I was shaking like a wind-blown leaf, its tenuous grasp onto a branch in peril. Pangs of guilt were riddling ever fiber of me as I recalled those morbid thoughts and wishes I'd felt on many an occasion.

"I'm afraid that she is dead, Mr. Earle." He studied me, watching my reactions. "We need you to accompany us downtown." My legs gave out and I fell to my knees. Burying my head in my hands I couldn't stop the tears that were welling in my eyes. How did that old cliche' go? Be careful what you wish for ....? Now that it had happened I found myself willing those thoughts from my subconscious mind.

I was suddenly terrified. Could I be held responsible for having death wish thoughts? "You mean, I .. I am a suspect?"

"Until we complete our investigation, sir, we have to check out every connection to the deceased. In the meantime we need you downtown," the officer was still studying me intently. "You have to I.D. the body."

(To be continued.... HERE! .)

No.1073

The Day Atlas Dropped The Ball

What if Atlas suddenly had to sneeze? What if he needed to scratch an itch in some private spot?

Even worse, what if he up and said, "The Hell with it, this world just ain't worth it!"

I think he has dropped the ball on several occasions!

How else can you explain the state of this crazy blue marble, this so-called third rock from the sun? I think every being on the planet must have suffered severe concussions one those times he dropped the ball.

How can you tell if you're head got bumped a little too hard then? Well, here are some of the classic symptoms:


1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2.You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7 Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
: )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.



The next you hear the earth rumble a little bit, just remember ... even a God has to scratch his balls every now and then!

(P.S. I think a bump on the head inspired this post!)

No.1072

Signs of the Zodiegg

The age-old question: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

The question has been discussed, debated, and theorized since the dawn of man. Even the citizens of Rome were wont to query: Cur versa pullus transire iter?

It Occurred To Me that all those great minds of the past counted their eggs before they put them in the basket!

What do many people, especially the superstitious, do before they make plans for the day? Why, they consult the stars - they read their horoscopes of course!

Why then would it not follow that chickens would do the same thing before they set about attempting a hazardous undertaking such as crossing a road? Hey, they weren't hatched yesterday! They would want to see what the stars had in store for them.

Rather than ask why, I invite you to put yourselves in their feathers and check the following chart for your sign of the ZODIEGG. At least you'll know why you would cross the road.

AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18):
Chickens born under the sign of Aquarius are strong independent spirits longing to break free from traditional conventions and restrictions and the status quo. They are innovative and idealistic always replacing old outdated thinking with fresh perspectives. They are strongly driven to oppose social injustice and oppression. They are always experimenting to discover their own identity. They will cross because it is forbidden to do so and by doing so it will be easier for others to do so in the future.

PISCES (February 19 to March 20):
Pisces chickens are dreamy and sensitive. They are blessed with deep intuition and a wealth of emotion. Pisces are romantic, creative and full of love with a potential for great happiness and lasting joy. Their imagination is so strong that it frequently merges with fantasy. They usually cross because they had a vision telling them that this is the means to the happiness they are striving to achieve.

ARIES (March 21 to April 19):
Chickens born under the sign of Aries are natural leaders possessing a pioneering determined spirit, who wish to make their mark on the world. They cross the road to assert themselves and seek action, daring and adventure.

TAURUS (April 20 to May 20):
Taurus chickens are strong willed and have a down to earth attitude toward life. They are overly interested in material things and have a real need for security. They feel unsettled unless comfortable. They will cross only if there is more security on the other side or to obtain material possessions.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 20):
They are highly restless and are always seeking a wide variety of contrasting experiences. They cross because they are curious and to avoid the boredom of their mundane existence.

CANCER (June 21 to July 22):
While having a tough shell-like exterior, Cancer chickens are very sensitive and vulnerable. They have very delicate emotions, and are always attuned to their environment and the feelings of those around them. They have a constant and urgent need to feel safe and always act defensively. They will only cross the road when there is danger to themselves or others on this side.

LEO (July 23 to August 22):
Leo chickens are majestic and proud with personalities that need to shine, and greet opportunities with fervor and vitality. They always need to be in charge. They will cross the road with great enthusiasm for the opportunity to escape a normal, humdrum existence.

VIRGO (August 23 to September 22):
Virgos are practical and adaptable. They have a strong desire to succeed, are very discriminating and tend to be critical of others. They strive for perfection. They are very poultriatarian and will usually cross for the good of other chickens and because it is the proper or correct thing to do.

LIBRA (September 23 to October 22):
Libra chickens are thoughtful and sensitive, and are always seeking balance and harmony. They need the respect and love of other chickens more than any other group. They think carefully before making any decision. Libra chickens are prone to stop in the middle of the road to try to decide which way to go, making the crossing a considerable risk to themselves and others.

SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21):
Scorpios have a depth and intensity of their emotions that gives them a strong inner power. They are creatures of passion whose focused desires assist them in achieving their aims. They can be ruthlessly self-critical in their quest for truth. They are uncompromising, and stick to any commitment they have made. They cross because they promised to do so.

SAGITTARIUS (November 21 to December 21):
These chickens are restless and visionary. They love to explore new horizons and see life as a journey full of adventure. They greet every new experience with a warm heart, a ready smile and an open mind. They cross the road because of a passion to see more of the world and a spirit which longs to be free.

CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19):
Capricorns are very ambitious and are always striving to reach the top of the coop. They are tenacious in planning every step to achieve their goals, and leave themselves little time to relax before looking for new peaks to climb. They cross because they must to achieve the success they feel should be theirs.

LAID BREAKING NEWS:

Guess who just got hired as a crossing guard?
The chicken. (Think about it.)

No.1071

Amor A Primera Vista

Most of us have fond memories of how we met our Significant Others. Love at first sight? School sweethearts?

It's our stories. It's common to look back with fondness for most of us. On the other hand, maybe it is with anguish that some recall the fateful day.

What of those who are meeting now and in the recent past? Will they share fond memories. Will they remain together...?

Take Bubba and Agnes for instance: - They met on the set of "The Jerry Springer Show." His wife's sister's husband's 400-pound mother was sleeping with his brother's transvestite/pimp lover. He had her in a head-lock and was punching her face when it sort of ... clicked.

Jerome and Gertie - They woke up in the same Intensive Care Unit two weeks after they had crashed their cars headlong into each other while they were both yakking away on cell phones to report each other for running the same red light.

Biff and Jamal - They met on a Boy Scouts camping trip. Biff was Jamal's Troop Leader. Love struck them when they were rubbing their sticks together to make a camp fire. Said Jamal, "I just loved the way he roasted wienies."

Jennifer and Steve - Steve recalls, "She happened to be stepping out of the shower at the exact moment my computer accessed her webcam. I IMed her right away!" Jennifer giggled and added, "When he said he loved my hair and my eyes, I fell for him right then and there. I didn't even bother getting dressed - we chatted for hours."

Grace and Phillip - Grace said, "We met at the Senior Prom. He asked me to dance." Phillip smiled and added, "Yep, then I helped her and rushed to her to he hospital when her water broke."

Betsy and Mitch - " I was drunk as hell," Betsy stated, "and he offered me twenty bucks to flash my boobs for his 'Girls Gone Wild' video he was making." Phillip laughed and said, "I didn't tell her until the next morning that I didn't have a tape in my camcorder."

Jean and Gene - "We were both nerds and we met on-line in one of those singles rooms," Jean explained. "Yeah," Gene interjected, "..There was something about the way she typed 'LOL' at all my stupid jokes."

Only time will tell how long these star-crossed lovers will stay together ... or if they will remain a couple.

I doubt that many of us met 'the loves of our lives' under such romantic circumstances as the couples above, but still - we all have our own stories.

No.1070

Variety Is the Spite Spice of Life

They say that variety is the spice of life. When it comes to blogging, sometimes variety is in spite of life. That profound thought is being made because I couldn't think of a theme with enough substance to fill a post. As such, I have collected a hodgepodge of unrelated jokes and images creating a potpourri of grins. So pull up a chair, put on your bibs and savor some.


Signs She's Getting Bored Having Sex with You:-

- When you request sex, she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."
- Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.
- Actually answers when you ask, "Who's your daddy?"
- Only moans during commercial breaks.
- Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.
- Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.
- You find yourself sitting backstage at the Jerry Springer show.
- You begin to suspect she is only "playing" dead.
- Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a WAV file.
- Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.
- Keeps asking, "Are you SURE you're not gay?"
- Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.
- She yells out her own name.
- Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.

Happy Days

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?", he says. "That's cool" says Bobby. Carries father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or to the drive-in.

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just about makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plans for the evening begin to look pretty good. A few minutes later Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father…
"DAMMIT DADDY! IT"S CALLED THE TWIST"

Just a Trim

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair while her dad gets his haircut, eating a snack cake.

The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too!"

A Perfect Son

After a woman gave birth to her baby, the Doctor stood solemnly beside her bed. "There is something I must tell you about your baby."

What's wrong?" the alarmed mother asked.

"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

"What's that?"

"It means your baby has both male and female parts."

"Oh my God, that's wonderful!" the mother said. "You mean it has a penis and a brain?"

All Ears

Steve was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a ceiling tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.

One day, Steve decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business. And, after weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Steve asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Steve got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" She replied, "Well, you have no ears." Steve again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Steve was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

Steve was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no damn ears!"

The Royal Honeymoon

On the day of the Royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by her family, when she suddenly realized she had forgotten to purchase shoes for the day. She panicked.

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately, they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over, Sophie's feet were in agony.

When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they roughly heard what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.
Eventually they heard Edward say, "God, that was tight."

"There," whispered the Queen. "I told you she was a virgin."

Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. "Right. Now for the other one," followed by more grunting and straining, and at last Edward said "My God. That was even tighter."

"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."

No.1069

Afternoon Delight

Afternoon Delight
( Starland Vocal Band )

The temperature was moderate today. The humidity was barely perceptible. It was a beautiful day. ...And it wasn't too hot to ...

Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight
Gonna grab some afternoon delight
My motto's always been 'when it's right, it's right'
Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night?When everything's a little clearer in the light of day
And we know the night is always gonna be there any way

This afternoon the wife and I were watching one of those PBS special pledge drive programs. You know the ones; the ones where they give you 15 minutes of the special and 30 minutes of pocket sucking!

It was a new special featuring the music and the groups of the '70s. Can you say "Disco Era?" They have produced some excellent shows in the past for the 50s and the 60s, as well for the folk Groups and the British groups. Today's program was no exception.

Thinkin' of you's workin' up my appetite
Looking forward to a little afternoon delight
Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ingite
And the thought of lovin' you is getting so exciting

Sky rockets in flight
Afternoon delight, Afternoon delight
Afternoon delight

One of the catch phrases that the hosts use on these programs is "This music is the soundtrack of your life." It's true.

Many of the groups and their songs brought back a lot of memories. Though the Disco Era was in play after our dating days, our first year of marriage encompassed the period. Frankie Valle and the current Four Seasons performed a rousing version of their Oh What A Night ( September of '63 ) that sounded just like the original recording. I'm sure it wouldn't be a stretch to say that many can relate to some event in their life in which that song can be applied.

Started out this morning feeling so polite
I always though a fish could not be caught who wouldn't bite
But you've got some bait a waitin' and I think I might try nibbling
A little afternoon delight

Sky rockets in flight
Afternoon delight, Afternoon delight
Afternoon delight

Then they introduced a one-hit wonder group that had one of the biggest hits of the 70s. There's something to be said about watching "oldies groups" perform. Not only have you aged, but so have they! Had they not announced the group as they moved onto the stage, we wouldn't have had a clue as to who they were. Oh, but the moment the song started we knew.

The Starland Vocal Band launched effortlessly into Afternoon Delight and both us joined right in on the vocals, not stumbling on a single word of the lyrics.

As the song came to an end and the words afternoon delight faded with the instruments, I reached over and traced circles on my wife's arm. I cooed? crowed? "Honey, remember when we use to have some of those afternoon delights?"

She said something that sounded like, "Umm hmpf!" She then crossed her arms across her chest and kept her eyes fixed on the television.

Please be waiting for me, baby, when I come around
We could make a lot of lovin' 'for the sun goes down
Thinkin' of you's workin' up my appetite
Looking forward to a little afternoon delight
Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ingite
And the thought of lovin' you is getting so exciting

I guess it was fair to say that there were no skyrockets in flight this afternoon....

When we reach a certain age, when we reached it I cannot recall, the urgency and the spontaneity aren't the same anymore. At least I was Johnny-on-the-spot giving it the old college try. You can't blame a man for trying, can you?

I'm reminded of an old joke that's altogther fitting here:

There was an old man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror and was admiring his naked body, when he noticed that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis.
....He decided to do something about it. He promptly went down to the beach still completely undressed and buried himself in the sand except for his head and his penis which he left exposed to the sun.
....It so happened that two old spinsters were strolling around in the sand, one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this thing sticking out the sand, she begin to move it about with her cane.
....She remarked to the other old lady, "There ain't hardly no justice in this world."
...."What do you mean?" replied the other.
...."Well," the first one said, "When I was 20, I was curious about them. When I was 30, I enjoyed them. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. Then by the time I was 70, I pretty much forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!"

Sky rockets in flight

Afternoon delight

Afternoon delight

Afternoon delight

Afternoon delight!

No.1068

Cleave it To Me!

With a blank screen staring back at me, my equally blank thought processing center was fishing for ideas but coming up with not a single byte.

I suppose I could have posted that blank screen. I could call it art. The subject? I could have called it "Polar Bear in Blizzard."

Well, there is always the Blogger's failsafe ! If for whatever reason one cannot come up with something to post, relief can be found no further than the daily newspaper. Of course, one can always "google" for the news. Why waste time typing from newspaper articles, when one can copy and paste from the Internet.

I was shocked. What do suppose the most widely covered and hottest news story was out there in both the print and electronic news services? The Minneapolis bridge tragedy? The war in Iraq? The 40-year-old woman who gave birth to her 17th child? No, no and no!

Clinton Cleavage Coverage Prompts Storm in a C Cup

Hillary Clinton and that 'subtle V-shape'.

The following is an excerpt from The New York Times:

In an email message titled "Cleavage", Senator Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign has an eye-catching pitch for campaign contributions.

The subject line of the message refers to a July 20 article in The Washington Post about the neckline on an outfit Mrs Clinton wore during a congressional speech she gave two days earlier.

It "sat low on her chest and had a subtle V-shape", said the article, by Robin Givhan, a style writer who had watched the speech on C-Span2.

"The cleavage registered after only a quick glance. No scrunch-faced scrutiny was necessary. There wasn't an unseemly amount of cleavage showing, but there it was."

Givhan's article described the cleavage as "an exceptional kind of flourish" even for a woman who, in her campaign for president, has given up on her one-time "desexualised uniform" — a black pantsuit — in favour of "a wide array of suits and jackets" that have allowed her to play "the fashion field".

Givhan won a Pulitzer Prize last year for criticism of fashion as well as what politicians' clothing says about their position and power.

"Showing cleavage is a request to be engaged in a particular way," Givhan wrote. "It doesn't necessarily mean that a woman is asking to be objectified but it does suggest a certain confidence and physical ease."

Mrs Clinton's campaign, not at all happy about the article, is hoping its attack on it will prove to be a lucrative tool.

"Frankly, focusing on women's bodies instead of their ideas is insulting," says the fund-raising email message, written by senior Clinton adviser Ann Lewis.

"Would you believe that The Washington Post wrote a 746-word article on Hillary's cleavage?" the message said. "Apparently, it was showing when she gave a speech in the Senate about the skyrocketing cost of higher education. Now, I've seen some off-topic press coverage but talking about body parts? That is grossly inappropriate."

Ms Lewis also lamented a moment during last Monday's Democratic presidential debate when John Edwards, asked to critique Mrs Clinton, jokingly expressed reservations about her coral jacket, which Senator Barack Obama defended.

In big letters, the note reads: "Clothes? Makeup? Cleavage? What's really important in this race? Help Hillary fight for what matters."

Asked about the criticism, Givhan said her type of reporting had a role in election coverage.

"I do think that when people are delivering a message, the message is essentially consumed in different ways, and that depends on how it is delivered," she said. "The tone of voice, the appearance, the context, these things all come into play."

All I gotta say is, "YOU CALL THAT CLEAVAGE?" You could drop a quarter in there and it would fall all the way to the floor. I guess that explains Bubba's actions when he occcupied the Oval Office. Poor guy. Remember that chocolate bar commercial? Sometimes you feel like nut; sometimes you feel like Mounds.

No.1067

Her Cups Runneth Over

A torrid sun; a tropical paradise; a frustrated writer; a cheating wife; a mysterious sultry woman... the ingredients for a forbidden affair? Or the recipe for murder and the perfect crime?

I

She was perfection incarnate. She shouldn't have existed. Mother Nature was always tinkering, experimenting to achieve perfection. Had she finally succeeded?

The azure firmament, the deeper blue-green shades of the ocean and the golden sands appeared pale, muted in comparison. As she moved in sensuous gait along the shoreline the advancing fingers of the sea seemed reluctant to impede her course, instead receding before each footfall, and only after her passage moving forth.

Feigning reading my book, I tried not to appear obvious as my eyes peered over the frame of my Blue Blockers. Though I didn't realize it at the moment, I was hopeful that no one noticed that the book clutched in my hands was upside down propped on my abdomen. I shouldn't have worried, as every head, male and female alike , followed her movements.

The sway of her hips, the graceful stride of her long legs, and the gentle undulations of her breasts were a symphony playing upon my senses. While it was more likely than not resurrected from my subconscious, I thought I could hear the bossa-nova-like beat of Sergio Mendes. The lyrics escaped my lips as I moistened them with my tongue:

"Tall and tan and young and lovely
The girl from Ipanema goes walking,
And when she passes, each one she passes goes ahh."

Her Barbie Doll figure was bare save the tiniest blue bikini, that while it covered her essentials, did little to shelter the charms hidden beneath. What normal man would not wish to seek asylum in the confines of those secreted places?

She slowed her pace and turned her head as if just realizing she had an audience. My heart skipped a beat and my pulse quickened. Was she looking in my direction? In those large green pools that were her eyes, I guess every male must have dared to think the same thoughts. I risked a brief agonizing moment to take my eyes off her to see who might be near me in her line of sight. There was no one within twenty feet of where I was seated.

When my eyes fell once again upon her she was standing still looking over her shoulder. Is it possible for a woman to look both wanton and demure at the same time? I dare say I was witness to such a vision. Her lips which had been pursed in a playful pout suddenly stretched and parted slightly into an inviting smile.

Her next sensual move produced a feverish stirring within me. In a deliberate but synchronized motion, one hand slipped the blue material from her breasts as the other strategically took its place. The bra of her bikini dangled loosely from her fingers as she once again began to walk along the water's edge. Again the tide driven foam of the sea gave way as she passed.

Before she turned there was wink in her eye and a nod of subtle invitation for me to follow her. Placing my hands on the arms of the chaise lounge I started to rise to comply to her perceived wishes, but then I forced myself back into it. The book I had been reading was serving another purpose ... as a shield. I was in no condition to stand, albeit to walked across the beach in such a state.

II

Even later, as I was seated before my laptop, the image of her was etched in my brain. Inexplicably, she had become a predominate character in the last chapter I had been committing to screen for my novel. I scrolled back over the product of the last two hours. What in the world? One sentence in particular perplexed me: The sway of her hips, the graceful stride of her long legs and the gentle undulations of her breasts were a symphony playing upon my senses.

I wrote that? It wasn't my style. I have never used metaphors like that in my previous novels. As I read again that sentence, I began to feel that certain heated stirring, the same that had held me prisoner in the beach chair. The same that had prevented me from following her.

I had to clear my thoughts. I needed to purge the woman from my mind. I had a deadline. I had two weeks to complete my latest novel or answer to the wrath of my publisher. A month at this tropical resort had seemed like a good idea at the time. It was supposed to afford me time to relax and to escape the daily grind of what was my normal life. Yet, here I sit halfway through that month and only halfway through the book.

I caught her reflection on the chrome plated surface of my cigarette lighter. Holding it in my hand it served as a mirror and I was able to see behind me. She had just taken a shower and as usual emerged from the bathroom naked. I have to admit that the word voluptuous is as good as any adjective to describe my wife Eve's body. Already aroused by my thoughts and vivid memory of the mysterious woman on the beach, I pulled my chair closer to the desk. I didn't wish her to see me in that state. I didn't want her to think that she had brought about my excitement. I didn't want to give her that satisfaction.

Don't get me wrong, my wife is a very desirable woman. Our marriage of ten years, however, has been a loveless charade. Sure, there were those times that she would acquiesce to my advances, but I'm certain that she only did so when her nightly excursions had been fruitless. I've known she's been unfaithful for some time. At first I was crushed. Then I faced feelings of inadequacy, for like any man I didn't want to think that I couldn't satisfy my own wife.

Over time I had to accept the fact that she was either insatiable or quite simply didn't want to be the carnal object of just one man. Since, I have become a successful author, my last two novels becoming best sellers. Now commanding sizable advances on my future works, the money has been rolling in and as such we have been able to live the lifestyle of the rich and famous.

The access to those circles elite has only further fueled Eve's infidelities. Because of the whispers and rumors of her indiscretions, I had considered divorce. When I did bring up the topic a few months ago, she went ballistic. It seems that she likes the existing arrangements too much. She told me that she would destroy me and take everything I had. I decided that at this point in my life, I didn't need the grief and the misery that a divorce would inevitably bring. I guess in a masochistic sort of way, our arrangements aren't so bad.

From the surface of the lighter I watched as she pulled the leather miniskirt over her bare lithe legs. She knew I was watching and reveled at the show she was putting on for my benefit. She turned so that she was facing in my direction. The bitch wanted to make sure that I was aware of the fact that she was going out sans underwear. I returned the lighter to the desk; I didn't want to watch anymore.

When she was finished dressing she came over to where I was sitting and spun the chair around. The opalesque skin of her breasts, exposed by the generous cleavage created by the tight vee-necked white blouse she'd chosen to compliment her miniskirt and high heels was mere inches from my face. She held that pose for a few seconds before she bent forward and kissed me hard on the lips. When she pulled away she noticed my aroused state and giggled.

When the door closed behind her, I lowered my head and rested it in my hands. Many times I had thought about trying to stop her. Many times I had wanted to beg her not to go, to stay with me. I could never bring myself to do so. She would've only thought me a sniveling jealous husband.

Then there were those times that I thought about placing my hands around her beautiful neck and squeezing ... and squeezing until she could leave no more. No, I didn't have it in me to harm her, much less to kill her. On the other hand, I did find myself silently wishing that something would happen to her, but at the hands of another. Those thoughts, in the end, always left me riddled with guilt.

I turned my laptop off and closed the lid. I knew I couldn't write anymore tonight. I couldn't stay there - not tonight. I had to get out of there, if only for an hour or two.

III

I made it no further than the hotel lounge. What the hell, I thought, why waste valuable drinking time looking for a place to drink when I didn't even have to leave the premises? The lounge was a dark subterranean hideaway that belied the fact it was part of a luxury hotel complex.

I chose a barstool that offered the greatest distance from the nearest denizen. I nodded as the bartender placed the glass of amber liquid on the napkin before me. There is a certain comfort level when a bartender begins pouring your drink when he sees you walking through the door. I had been there often enough for that perk, but I was not a regular. He didn't know my name, and I intended to maintain that arrangement.

The bartender let out a sudden low whistle. I turned to follow his gaze in the direction of the lounge entrance. It was her! I froze as the vision of sensual perfection strolled in as if on the runway of a fashion show. A hush had fallen over the place, as if her presence alone had stilled every conversation. I never realized until that moment just how deafening absolute silence could be.

She appeared to be looking for someone. Her eyes seemed to come to rest upon one point in the room, a point somewhere beyond where I was seated. To my chagrin I felt a pang of jealousy. How lucky the man she was seeking! She was decked out in a red strapless ankle-length dress, slit almost to her hip. Defying gravity, it seemed that the dress was held in place solely by her half-covered breasts.

Her head turned slightly in my direction. Those green hypnotic eyes met mine long enough for one long-lashed eye to wink as a statement of recognition. Then just as abruptly, she moved in the direction where her eyes had focused only moments before. I didn't follow her course. I didn't want to see the face of the man she was meeting.

Scarcely five minutes had passed when the bartender walked over and placed a fresh drink in front of me. Puzzled, I opened my mouth to say that I hadn't ordered another drink, but he raised his hand. "The drink is from the lady in the back, sir," he said motioning to the back of the room. Then he said in a barely audible whisper, "Lucky bastard!"

I turned and again I found myself looking upon her. God couldn't have created a lovelier, more perfect creature. She was surely His masterpiece. In a slow but provacative motion she crossed her longs legs and raised her glass as an inviting salute in my direction.

Considering the state of my marriage, Lord knows I would be forgiven any thoughts or actions of infidelity. I cursed myself. It was quite presumptuous of myself to think that joining that woman could possibly lead to anything more than innocent conversation. Inasmuch, it was exactly what I wanted and what I needed.

I finished my first drink, picked up the one she had sent me, and rose from the stool. With a contrived swagger I walked to the back of the lounge, not once allowing my eyes to break contact with hers.

(To be continued ... HERE Friday, 8/10/07.)

No.1066

Guess Who's Coming To Dinner?

I Don't Do Memes ...

As a rule!

You know what they say, rules are made to be broken! Just who said that, anyway? (So I can wallop him or her up the side of their head.)

Every now and then however, I am tagged for a Meme (pronounced mee-mee) with a theme (thee-mee?) that gives me pause to reconsider my stance. The latest one is no exception.

To whom do I owe this outrageous waste of my precious time honor? With a Bronx cheer tip of the hat to the lovely lovely Sudie, I will under protest gladly respond to this meme. If you click on her name, you can check out her 7/31/05 post to see her guest list.

Rather than invite five other Bloggers, as per the rules, I will just leave an open invitation to anyone who also finds this idea appealing. I will, however, abide by the other rules.

Who would you invite to a dinner party if you could invite any ten persons past or present, dead or alive, to join you? (You have to, of course, be presumptuous enough to think that these people would accept the invite.)

I thought long and hard on this one. Then like a bolt out of the blue I was hit with an epiphany! I would only have to place two settings on the table. (Paper plates, of course!) Then I could order two three-piece dinners and a couple of sides from KFC. That would leave me needing to spring for one more item - a bottle of Ripple - a feast fit for a king.
....You're probably thinking, "Hey! Wait a minute! I'm supposed to invite ten guests!"
....You are thinking I'm bending the rules big time. Au contraire, my friends. Trust me, I think I am well within the rules. You'd have to get up awfully early stay in bed late to outsmart me.
....It's really quite simple, my plan. You see, I have only to invite to invite the one and only Rich Little. That's right, the impressionist. He will be the other nine required guests. It will be a fun and interesting evening talking to the likes of Jimmy Stewart, John Wayne, Jack Benny, and Richard Nixon, just to name a few.
....Alas, the more I thought about it, maybe it wasn't such a great idea after all. Poor Rich would be spending the entire evening getting up and moving from chair to chair and back and forth. The poor devil would be completely worn out in no time.

(Sigh!) Back to reality! Aha! With a snap of my fingers I had it! No, it wasn't another epiphany. I understand we're only allowed one epiphany in a twenty-four hour period and I'd already had my quota. This was just one of those flashes of brilliance! (These are not bound by limitations - you can have as many of these as you want, although some of us have them more often than others.)

This meme says I can invite any ten people, right? That means it's my choice! It's my dinner party. So for my dinner party, I'm inviting (1) Catherine Zeta-Jones, (2) Ann Margaret, (3) Lynda Carter, (4) Cindy Crawford, (5) Jerri Ryan, (6) Cybil Sheperd, (7) Barbie Benton, (8) Kim Novak, (9) Jessica Rabbit, and as a throw-in (10) Rosie O'Donnell.

I can here the gasps and cries of stunned shock! I know, I know. What is Jesica Rabbit, a cartoon character no less, doing on this list? First of all, as I have revealed in this Blog in the past, I sort of have this affinity for redheads, and I just love the way she's drawn. (You might note that she's not the only redhead on my list of invitees.)
....I don't think I need to explain my other choices, do I? I think you'll agree it is a collection of some very beautiful women. What? You're still in shock? Look all I have to do is look around the table at them and ... SIGH!

Hey! It's my party and I'll sigh if I want to!

Oh! I get it now! I see what's bothering you. You are shocked at my guest number 10. I did say she was a throw-in, didn't I? Okay, I'll come clean. Believe it or not, there is a method to my madness. You see, it's like this, I like a little competition. When the first nine of my lovely guests see Rosie at the other end of the table panting and salivating like Pavlov's dog, they will all unfailingly gravitate to my end of the table. You might say they will be all over me like stink on crap; or like fat on a mother-in-law; uh, like sweet on sugar!

You might say I will have stacked the deck in my favor. I feel confident that my chances would be better than Rosie's. (Sigh!) Drat! I just found out that my wife's scheduled engagement for the day of my dinner has been cancelled.

I need to draft another guest list! I guess I should at least keep with the spirit of this meme and come up with a serious list, huh?

Without further comment, I would invite some people I really admire: (1) Stephen Hawking, (2) H.G. Wells, (3) Jules Verne, (4) Albert Einstein, (5) George Washington Carver, (6) Samuel Clemens, (7) Chuck Yeager, (8) Will Rogers, (9) Steven Spielberg, and (10) Pete Rose.*

*I included Pete Rose because I admired his hustle and love of the game when I was a kid. Okay, he gambled on baseball, but only after his playing days and after he broke Ty Cobb's hit record. I would personally like to give him my vote of confidence that he should be inducted into The Baseball Hall of Fame.

No.1065

Perfect! Just Perfect!

When one of the funniest Bloggers
on the planet selects one of my posts for the July 2007 Perfect Post Award, it occurred to me to just how George and Weezie must have felt:

Well we're movin' on up (movin' on up)
To the East Side. (Movin' on up)
To a deluxe apartment in the sky.
We're movin' on up (movin' on up)
To the East Side. (movin' on up)
We finally got a piece of the pie.

Just who is he, he who is one of the funniest Bloggers on the planet? None other than Old Hoss, naturally !

To wit, the post he chose is THIS ONE , in which I parodied 30 movie titles.

Personally, I think item #6 on my 'mangled movie titles' list is the one that won Hoss over. (Then again, maybe it was #8.)

Interestingly, I was playing around with that theme again. The recent post containing parodied titles was a "tribute" to the phenomenon that is Harry Potter. You can see the seven "up-coming" titles of Harry Potter movies and TV shows at this post .

Here's a few more I hastily threw together:

1) - Schindler's Schit List - It's a little known fact that Schindler kept a another list - of those who were not going to be saved.
2) - Fileting Nemo - An alternate ending to the kid's Disney classic looks at Nemo's fate had he been caught in the net of a fishing trawler.
3) - Once Upon a Time In Mae West - A scathing tell all from the diaries of the men who knew her the best.
4) - Terror in the Isles - Another attempt by Brooke Shields to resurrect her career in another Blue Lagoon sequel.
5) - Around the World In Eighty Ways - A young boy learns about life while shipwrecked on a desert island with a French maid.

No.1064

Southern Fried Lard

The Best Humor is...

My cousin Clem is so dumb...
How dumb is he?
He's so dumb that he took a pair of scissors to a pile of cash, snipped it up to pieces and then glued the whole mess onto a poster board.
Now why would he go and do a dumb thing like that?
Well, I asked him that very same question. He replied "My father said I should save my money and use it for collage!"

I don't reckon you happen to knows the difference between a Yankee Zoo and a Southern Zoo?
I reckon I don't. What is the difference?
Well, son, it's like this: A Yankee Zoo puts a sign on the cages that tells you the name of the animal and the scientific name. The Southern Zoo uses signs too, only their signs give the name of the animal and a recipe for cookin' the critters.


The Redneck Love Poem

Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like corn silk a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,
You spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,
We go together like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day
From the cooler at Kroger. That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
More useful than diamonds......IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!


A Redneck Hunting Trip

At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.

"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"

"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.

"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"


My Own Grandpa

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter who,
of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
who kept them on the run.

And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife, she's my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
the strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa.

Now y'all remember when passing on this stuff ...
That a Yankee fairy tale begins with: Once Upon A Time..
And a Redneck fairy tale begins with: Y'all Ain't Gonna Believe This...

No.1063