Thursday, February 17, 2005

The Six Dollar Man

~ The scene: an isolated laboratory of Acme Bionics. The man was mangled, pieces of his body missing or charred, lay upon the operating table. Gathered around him wearing surgical masks, was a team of specialists. Among them were surgeons, biotechnicians, neurologists, computer programmers, a used car salesman, and a man who had stayed at Best Western the night before.
~ Their discussions echoed resoundingly, "We can rebuild him. We can make him faster, stronger, better!" "Why can't we, ahem, make him bigger too?" said the lone woman of the team. The man had had no insurance, but the team had already struck a huge TV deal. They knew they had a hit on their hands, er on the operating table. Knowing that the man would agree to the operation considering the alternative, they found a wino outside to sign the release forms. Thusly, the marathon operation began.
~ There was some debate over where the key should be inserted to power the man on and off. The rectum, ears, and under the tongue were ruled out in favor of the navel, although they had to change it to an innie.
~ It would be several months later before the man was able to begin a rigorous rehab program. Counting the huge TV deal, now in the scripting phase, the final cost for the massive project came to $6.00. Upon successful completion of rehab, he was free to test his new body on a special facility they had built. Countless exercise reps and tests of his new powers were run repeatedly. Eventually he had mastered them all, although the entire compound had been leveled in the process.
~ It became apparent early on that he had taken more than a casual interest in one of the specialists. Although the distaff member of the team continued to try to use the key a few inches below the navel, he tended to ignore her. She had been persistent in showing her interest in him, after all it was she who had suggested that he made bigger than he had been before the accident. However, it was the video game designer who received most of his attention. They were often seen together testing joysticks.
~ As luck would have it, another tragic accident produced another two patients. A beautiful young blonde and her dog, a German Shepherd had been struck by a section of wall that the Six Dollar Man had accidentally knocked over when he sneezed after attempting to snort 25 grams of cocaine at once. The team, except for the woman and the video game designer, had decided that a bionic woman would make the ideal mate for a Six Dollar Man.
~ Tracking down the wino again, they had the release forms endorsed. Then it began, another marathon operation, this time on the woman and her dog. Again there was a debate over the on-of switches and where the key would be inserted. The obvious choice for all the men, except the video game designer and the woman, was rejected. They settled for the navel for her too. The dog, however, had its switch installed in the back of its neck away from the jaws without debate. ~ Several months later, all the while the Six Dollar Man had been perfecting his new skills and powers, the Seven Dollar Woman began her tests. Although they had also garnered a rich TV deal for her, certain details had run up her price tag. They had made her faster, stronger, better, and because they ceded to their female associate about the man's anatomy, she did not protest that they had made the seven Dollar Woman bigger also. They did have to over-extend the budget a tad more to develop a special $250 bra.
~ The day finally came when the faster, stronger, better and bigger Six Dollar Man met the faster, stronger, better and bigger Seven Dollar Woman. Also joining the bionic couple was the Five Thousand Dollar Dog. It turned out that because of brain complexities, the dog had required more extensive programming. The three of them sized up each other, taking in the other's faces and bulges beneath their spandex outfits. They touched each other's hands testing the feel and strength of the other. Then abruptly they raced away with blinding speed, the dog chasing after them. They were moving so fast it appeared they were moving in slow motion like a cheap TV special effect.
~ After they had disappeared behind a rise, the specialists smiled, except for female member and the video game designer. They knew that the three of them had sought privacy to get acquainted. There was an explosion of activity as whole trees, a couple of HumVees, and a wino were seen flying into the sky. Fortunately the wino landed in a nearby pond, suddenly sober, but none the worse for wear.
~ Presently the bionic trio returned. Five thousand thirteen dollars (five thousand two hundred- sixty three if you count the bra) worth of technology stood before them. The specialists, except the woman and the video game designer, were relieved that they were compatible, because the TV people were beginning to pressure them. The bionics announced their plans to wed to the surprised specialists. The Six Dollar Man stepped forward and took the hand of the video game designer. The Seven Dollar Woman knelt and took the front paw of the Five Thousand Dollar Dog.
~ There was a double wedding, the network canceled the deal, and Acme Bionics declared bankruptcy. It has been rumored that the Seven Dollar Woman, the Six Dollar Man, and the Five Thousand Dollar Dog are all expecting. This has not been confirmed.
~No. 39
Johnny Carson
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