Friday, March 11, 2005

Smackdown on Madison Ave

The idea for this blog was inspired by an ad parody appearing in the March 2005 issue of Mad Magazine. Their ad depicted a WWE wrestling smackdown for a video game featuring a battle royale of advertising icons. The Pointmeister has gone one step farther and set up a non-pay for view event. In this extravaganza, these icons face off in the ring in a match for survival until only one is left standing.
~ There was no shortage of volunteers among the ad-icons. The retired and the semi-retired were the first to sign on. Egos not withstanding, the small and the large, the slow and the fast, they showed up one after another. What started out as a celebrity icon match, had blossomed into the battle of the century. So great was the buzz and so overwhelming was the anticipation of the event, that it was decided it would be a live televised match. There was no need to ripoff the public by making it a pay for view event.
~ The task of pairing of the combatants was not an easy one. The strengths and powers of each icon had to weighed carefully to insure fair matchups, especially in the early elimination rounds.
~ The Energizer Bunny made short work of Buddy L, his tactic to remain motionless proving to be a mistake. While Buddy was being carried off in a stretcher, the Bunny was dancing circles in the ring. He didn't notice the next opponent's cane until it was hooked around his neck. He did, however, feel the sensation of flight as Mr. Peanut sent him flying from the ring into the wall. Mr. Peanut adjusted his monocle and righted his top hat as Ready Kilowatt entered the ring. He was swinging his cane over his head as he moved toward the electric man. In a brilliant flash a bolt of lightning shot forth from his pointed finger striking and incinerating Peanut's cane. Before the ashes of the cane could reach the ground, another bolt turned the Peanut into a giant roasted peanut.
~ From then on the action was fast and furious. From a simple glass of water, Speedy Alka-Seltzer short circuited Kilowatt. Several rapid shots from the guns of the Frito Bandito reduced Speedy to a few crumbled pieces on the mat. A sudden gush of a viscous fluid poured down upon the Bandito as Mrs. Butterworth entered the fray. Unable to stand, his guns gummed up with syrup, he was defenseless. Suddenly Mrs. Butterworth was held aloft. Then Aunt Jemima body slammed her. Then she turned as she heard a voice say, "Would you like a nice Hawaiian Punch?" Her turning head met a well aimed fist from the Hawaiian Punch boy. Tony the Tiger proved to be too fast and too strong for mere punches. "Great!" roared Tony as the punchy boy ran from the ring. Suddenly Tony was bowled over as if he'd been hit by a truck. The Michelin Tire Man continued to roll and bounce against the cat. His claws and teeth useless against the rubber man, Tony submitted to defeat.
~ The Michelin Man could only laugh at the entrance of his challenger, near one-quarter his size. But the Pillsbury Dough Boy only giggled at the massive blow to his solar plexis. The surpised Tire Man looked at a mass of dough expanding on his arm. His futile attempts at bouncing and rolling in the ring were fruitless as the mass of dough slowly engulfed him. Before he could reform himself back into the Dough Boy, he was caught in the grip of Arby's Oven Mitt, who promptly kneaded him into a ball. The was ball hurled from the ring, stuck flattened against the far wall.
~ Meanwhile a drama was unfolding back in the ring. Face to face with Arby's Oven Mitt was the Hamburger Helper Glove. They gripped, neither yielding to the vise-like force of his rival. When the battled turned into a thumb wrestling match, the fingers of the glove pulled out the old Stoogian trick and poked the Mitt in the eyes. Blinded the Mitt was unceremoniously tossed from the ring. At almost the same instant, the glove was grabbed by its thumb. Mr. Clean then slammed his hand deep into the glove. Now worn by Mr. Clean, the glove was forced to move only as the hand in him moved. He was done.
~ Mr. Clean sensed movement from behind him. A curious bubbling mass was approaching him. It seemed formless. He backed away cautiously, unsure of that before him. Percolating, the bubbles appeared to come alive. Then they were abrasively scrubbing against his bare skin. The Srubbing Bubbles quickly inundated him. There was a sudden twinkling and shimmering effect that came over the Bubbles. They shuddered once before morphing into a bed of shamrocks. Lucky the Leprechaun was dancing a jig in the clover. So wrapped up in the moment, he failed to see the Keebler Elf swing a fist at him. So quick was the right cross to his chin, Lucky was unconscious before he could use his magical lucky charms.
~ For an elderly elf, he proved to be quite spry as he dispatched the Twinky Kid, the Trix Rabbit, and Captain Crunch in short order. The Little Sprout proved to be a much tougher opponent. Pound for pound, the sprout was much stronger. But for all he lacked in strength, the Elf more than made up in guile. He distracted the Sprout with some cookies and managed to pin him. He finally fell victim to sheer numbers as Snap, Crackle and Pop overwhelmed him. The trio were in turn beaten in the numbers game by the California Raisins. Next, the Burger Boy used his massive size to squash the raisin threat.
~ But in a battle of giants, the largest giant always wins. The Burger Boy was no match for the Jolly Green Giant. Then in a turn of shocking events that could only happen in a blog like this one, the Green Giant was being bound up by the ropes of the ring. A small blue fish could be seen hurriedly wrapping the ring ropes about the green legs of the giant towering far above it. Instead of reaching down to swat the fish, the giant tried to move his feet. Like a tree felled by lumberjacks, the not so Jolly Green Giant collapsed in a heap. Crushed in the unfortunate turn of events were the Campbell Soup Kids and the Cool-Aid Pitcher Man.
~ Charlie the Tuna over the Jolly Green Giant was an upset unlike no other in the annals of sporting events. But Charlie, the proverbial loser would not win this time either. He was suddenly smacked viciously by a large fish tail. Just before passing out he heard her say, "Sorry, Charlie." The Chicken of the Sea Mermaid stood as best a mermaid can stand before the cheering crowd. Too bad she didn't realize that the crowd, mostly male, were cheering her bare chest and not her victory.
~ There was a hush that came over the crowd. The Smackdown was not over. The Mermaid eyed the little yellow featureless man suspiciously as he approached her. She attempted a few whips of her tail at him. But he was much too fast, easily avoiding her tail. To the crowd the lack of action was not welcome. The warriors appeared to be talking to each other, but their voices were inaudible to them.
~ Inexplicably, the Mermaid took a card from the challenger, ceded the match and left the ring. Curiously she left smiling and her head held up high. The victor had just hooked her up with a major contract with a powerful porn broker. She would become a unique and famous star, and would eventually have the most visited site on the entire Internet.
~ It hadn't been a fair match. The winner had been rebuilt. They'd made him stronger and faster. The AOL Man was the victor today. To the victor go the spoils. Can no one stop him? Are there no challengers out there?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

That was well done. ty