Sunday, September 25, 2005

HillBilly Romance Novels

In her 9/24 post, Saurkraut has started a Torrid Romance story. She then invited us to pick up where she left off. It is the ultimate update to the parlor game "rumors." I like the idea and it sounds like fun. (Do I feel a sense of deja vu?) As of this posting, she had 17 of us who made contributions to her story. Mine will probably be rejected. As those of you who read me know, I tend to stay on the satirical side of things. After all she did not say she was writing a funny torrid romance story.
....The idea for this endeavor was the result of her thoughts on the subject of romance novels in general. She began her posy by stating that she despises these stories. Her main reason is that they all have the same plot. Her next reason, and a good one I might add, is that if you have a good romance, why would you want to read about?
....While I don't read those stories, my sisters years ago and now my daughter have been absorbed by them. I am a romantic at heart, but I don't need to read about love and passion. Besides, I find my wife to be a helluva lot more cuddly than a paperback book.
....I got to thinking, and I sometimes slip into that habit, that not once have I ever seen or heard of a Hillbilly Romance Novel. (Note to self: Call lawyer on Monday. Re: Possible discrimination suit against Harlequin for excluding Hillbillies from their publications.)

So it is that I have begun to assemble a synopsis for a Hillbilly Romance novel. My main character, the heroine if you will, is a beautiful bodacious girl named Beulah Butts. Rather than to try to describe her in words to you, I will use a picture of Daisy Mae Yokum from the L'il Abner comic strip. She is seen here sitting against an old black walnut tree near the Butts family's cabin over in Moosebreath Holler. It is her favorite spot where she can daydream of the day the handsome traveling salesman would come along and sweep her into the bushes. (Make that off her feet.)

Few salesmen ever made it up into the hills anywhere near Moosebreath Holler. But from time to time a few menfolk from neighboring hills and hollows would chance upon their neck of the woods. Poor Beulah would be enamored by these Hillbilly hunks, but Paw Butts usually sent them away at the point of his double-barrel shotgun. She held out hope that someday her dream man would appear unbeknownst to to Paw or any of her 14 brothers and sisters. She just knew there was a lot to learn if only she could get a chance to be alone with a man for just a little bit.

By and by, one such chance did happen. He was handsome and big and strong. Here, I provide a picture of L'il Abner, who will be playing the part of the man of her dreams. It isn't long before they are meeting and avoiding the scrutiny of her family. She is fascinated by his intelligence, why,
she'd never met a man who could count all the way to twenty. She had never thought of someone taking off their shoes to count, but then she didn't own any shoes. That fact that he owned shoes alone convinced her that he came from money. A man who was smart and rich was something she had never dared to imagine.

This particular day was a special one for her. It was their anniversary, marking the third day that they would see each other. It all happened in two months. She never dreamt that a man would want to be with her so much in such a short amount of time. Why, a fourth time would be almost like being hitched.

From a secret hiding place she fetched an old paper bag. She called it her buried treasure. She had vowed last Christmas when she got it, that she would never open it until there was a special man with whom she could share it. It was more precious than gold, that unopened box of chocolate-covered cherries.

Cuddled up close under her favorite tree, she opened the box of candy. The smell of the chocolate wafted like a wreath about their heads. She looked into his eyes and with abandon said to him, "Billy Jim Bob, pretty soon you know you are going to have to see the rest of the Butts." He smiled nervously, "Yeah, I know. But I sure ain't looking forward to kissin' any more Butts." Having said that, he picked up one of the chocolates and offered to feed it to her. As she was parting her luscious lips, he squeezed on he candy a little too hard. It was crushed between his thumb and finger even as the sticky syrup began to drip upon her bosom.

"Now I went and did it," he said. "I done broke your cherry." She giggled, it was something she'd heard about. It was what she had been waiting for her whole life. She decided to join in on the fun. Pretty soon between them they had broken all the cherries there was to break. She sighed, "I never knew it would be so juicy and sticky." But inside, she was feeling tinges of disappointment. It just wasn't what she'd thought it would be. She had been told that her life would change forever when her cherry was broken.

She looked up into his eyes. Suddenly she didn't care about her cherry anymore. But there was one thing she did know about when she was with a man. She remembered that the first time it had hurt pretty bad, but every time since it was just wonderful! Billy Jim Bob's eyes opened wide as Buelah hastily began to remove her clothes. Pretty soon she was naked and lying back in front of him. "Golly gee, your neck'ed!" he stammered.

"What are you awaitin' for?" she said to him. "Begging your pardon?" he replied. She loved it when the men played dumb. It excited her even more. She sat up, her breast grazing his nose and said, " Go to town. Now!"

She was sitting up, propped on her elbows as he rose. She loved watching them undress; all those muscles and ...the other. She was perplexed when he suddenly turned and began walking away down the hill side. "Gaul durn it," she heard him say, "I never have any fun. Everytime I start to have fun, someone is always sending me on errands."

Just before he disappeared over the next ridge she yelled, "Where are you going? Don't leave. Not just yet."

She heard his voice fading behind the crest of another hill, "I'm going to town, jus' like you said."

She lamented to herself that although she'd finally had her cherry broken, that didn't mean that she shouldn't get laid too. She wondered what she had done wrong to make him leave. She wondered too, when he'd be back.

The scene fades even as the camera pans backward as she silently gets dressed and walks forlornly back to that little cabin over in Moosebreath Holler.

....That is a possible introduction to the world's first Hillbilly Romance novel. Harlequin, eat your heart out! While it has some of the same elements of other Romance novels, it deals with a rural reality that they avoid. There is the familiar girl meets boy, boy and girl fall in love, girl loses boy, and one would think girl and boy get back together to live happily ever after. You know, this has Best Seller written all over it. To reserve your copy call 1-800-Pay-Alot.



Traci Dolan said...

You forgot the faithful coon dog layin' under the porch... or have we just not got that far yet? LOL!

Duke_of_Earle said...

WOW! That's just the plot twist I was looking for in my latest sequel to the sequel to the...

Huh! "Go to town!"

Why didn't I think of that?


OldHorsetailSnake said...

God, you work in a gun rack and a salt lick (along with inanna's dog), and you got it made.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious. And being from WV originally, I could volunteer to be your fact checker and continuity affirmer. For the record, you've set the scene with a scary degree of accuracy, sarcasm be damned. :-)

Open Book

kenju said...

"Beaulah"?? You expect us to believe a beautiful heroine with the name Beaulah?

Just kidding; the story is great but please don't say that Moosebreath Holler is in WV (we get too much tasing already)!