Saturday, January 21, 2006

Redneck Driver's Application

While going through some of my old papers and effects from my days back in West Virginia, I came across some interesting stuff. I found my tassel from the mortar board I wore when I graduated from high school. Really, I really did. I swear. In that old Cheerios box, I also found my diploma.

I smiled when I found my very first little black book. As I leafed through it, there was only five pages with names and numbers on them. Under the letter B there was Brother - Rick and his number.
Over on the letter D there was Dad and his number. On M I found two listings: me and my number and Mom and her number. Finally over at the letter S was Sister - Brenda, and Sister Diana and both of their numbers.

As you can see, even then I was showing a propensity for writing. Note the attention to detail and structure. (Never mind that we all lived in the same house and had the same number.)

Then I found a copy of my old Application for my first driver's license. It sure brought back some memories. For all you people out there that like to make jokes about us hillbillies, check out the application we had to fill in. I'll bet you'll think twice now before making jokes about our learning abilities. Shoot, the application was harder than the drivers test itself. That's right, the hardest thing on a teenage hillbilly is a test. I had to study for one of those urinalysis tests, but I passed!

Here it is. Check it out.

Redneck Driver's Application

Pleez compleet this paper, best ya can.

Last name: ________________

First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you
are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed ____ pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup: _________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know
There you have it. Now remember, please think twice before you start bad mouthing us hillbillies.


Anonymous said...

This was very cute. I really appreciated your comments on my site. I was wondering how you landed there and found us. I read a few more of your posts and intend to come back and visit often. Thanks again for stopping by!!!

tracie said...

This is just too funny. Great list.
I like the cartoon about the internet truth. I am pretty sure I have chatted with that guy on more than one occasion

Peter said...

Hey that's one tough form Mike, did you ever get a pass?

FnQueen said...

Thanks for visiting my blog Mike!
I'm from Oklahoma, so this application really hit home for me! Just like W. Virginia we have lots of rednecks, and just for the record I could truthfully answer some of the questions. HA!

the many Bs said...

too funny! And you keep that all in a Cheerios box. How sentimental!

Ivy the Goober said...

Did you pass your test? Or do you only have to fill out the application? ;)

StringMan said...

Yee Haw! Love it.

Anonymous said...

Hehehe you crack me up Mike. Love it!

I'm not even supposed to be here today said...

That was very entertaining! What did the urinalysis screen for... or were just testing for aim?