Saturday, March 25, 2006

Dick Gumshoe, P.I.

I'm Dick Gumshoe, Private Investigator. The following events took place between 11:36 pm and 12:00 am. Yes, only 24 minutes. Do you think I have the budget for a whole day like that TV show?
The Case of the Stripper With One Shoe

It had been a slow day, as slow as every previous day had been ever since I'd hung my shingle outside the door of my office two months ago. I was feeling a little bitter. I suppose the half eaten jar of dill pickles may have had something to do with that. I picked up the discarded slip of paper I'd removed from a week-old fortune cookie. "Good fortune will knock at your door" was written upon it. Although it was smudged with duck sauce, the message was clear. That was a week ago, and the remnants of that Poo Poo Platter was a constant reminder. The Hung Dong Dragon restaurant should be sued for misrepresentation. There was only one knock at my door all week, and that was my land lord looking for payment on two months rent. Good fortune, indeed!
....The door swung open. Doesn't anyone ever knock anymore? Trying to remove my feet from the desk I tumbled onto the floor in a heap. I must remember to uncross my feet first the next time. I had found that missing container of Won-ton soup. As I was wiping the congealed liquid from my nose and chin, I heard the figure pass through the entrance into my office. ...."Are you okay?" a female voice called out to me. Since my electric bill was also in arrears, the darkened office allowed me to clean up a bit without detection.
...."Yes, of course," I answered. "Can I help you, miss?"
...."I am looking to hire a detective." It's amazing how one little word can pull a man out of the depths of dispair. She had said it - hire !
...."You come to the right place, ma'am. The name's Gumshoe."
...."Oh dear," she cried. "These are brand new. There's gum on my shoes?"
...."Uh, no. That's my name. I'm a Private Dick as they say in the trade." I walked around the desk to greet her properly.
....She glanced down at me, "I suggest you zip up or it won't be private for long."
....After that awkward moment I said, "I'm a Private Investigator."
....Before I knew what was happening she had removed her coat and was unbuttoning her blouse. "Strange," she said, "Everywhere I go ... to the doctor ... to a casting agent ... to the modeling agency ... even on a date ... and now to a detective ... everyone wants to investigate my privates."
....It was clear she had misunderstood me. I tried to prevent her from disrobing, but not until she was wearing only her stockings and shoes. No one had ever told me that being a P.I. could be this interesting. I cleared my throat and asked, "Can I assume you are a stripper?"
....She smiled and seemed to relax a bit. "Why, yes. Yes I am! You are good. How on earth could you have known that?"
....I wanted so much to say: Elementary, my dear lady. Instead I put on a professional persona and continued to gather the facts. "Just where is it that you ... ah ... strip? The Pussy Cat? The Pantyless Palace? The ..."
...."The Central Carpentry Company," she said. "I work in the stripping department. I remove varnish and paint from wood."
....Because of my steel nerves, I was able to maintain my composure. "Stripper, wood stripper, yes ... And I'll bet you are very good at it!"
....What man wouldn't want to be standing where I was standing. There I was in alone in a dark room with a naked ... wood stripper! Yes, the life of a dick can be very interesting. I surely had found my calling.
....I could only imagine what thoughts might be going through her mind: ....(Oh, dear. Is this what mama warned me about? Here I am standing naked in a dark room with a ... dick! Is this the romantic moment I've been looking for all my life? A strange man in crumpled clothes ... take out Chinese ... Is that an egg noodle hanging from his chin?)
....Suddenly the woman turned and walked ... no ... ran from my office. She hadn't even bothered to put on her clothes. One minute she was there in front of me, au natural, and the next she was running out of my life. As I was closing the door, I realized she had stiffed me. "Dammit!" I swore, "She didn't pay me either!"
....Without warning I stumbled on something on the floor and was sent flying. I came to rest with my head and shoulders in the trash can. I had finally found what was left of the Egg-Fu-Yung from two weeks ago. Pulling my self to my feet, I espied the object that had tripped me. It was a shoe. She had lost a shoe.
....Full of confidence, despite Egg-Fu-Yung on my face, I took my place behind the desk and swung my feet up onto it. I clasped my fingers around my head and took a deep breath. I giggled at the irony of it all. Miss Cinderella would be back for her slipper. It was almost midnight. I didn't have to wait long. The door burst open!
....It was my land lord! It seems he had seen the naked woman leaving my office and he wasn't too happy about it. He handed me an eviction notice.
....Yes, the life of a Private Investigator, fraught with danger and intrigue, can be quite interesting. In my case files, this had to be the most baffling. (Editors note: This was the first and only case in his files.)
....A bird began to chirp. Was it sunrise already? I turned and looked up at the clock ... Both hands were on the top bird ... It was 12 am.

(Stayed tuned to this Blog channel for the continuing adventures of Dick Gumshoe, P.I.)



Miss Cellania said...

Have you written this story before? It seems familiar... or do you just LIKE to write about strippers, hmmm?

Peter said...

Mike, you wrote that piece with such obvious glee that you are now in grave danger of being known as a writer of soft porn!! C'mon man lift your game with only a little effort you could hit the big time hard porn scene.

jipzeecab said...

It's the Kung Pao talking isn't it..(?)..

Anonymous said...

Nice, funny blog. Good illustrations/photos. I'll be back.

FnQueen said...

The Hung Dong Dragon! LOL You crack my ass up Mike. I never know what you'll come up with next.

Webmiztris said...

you got stiffed - AND she didn't pay you?

you poor boy. ;)

the many Bs said...

Kind of reminds me of Guy Noir on Prairie Home Companion.

Carolyn said...

This was just toooo funny ;-D

It reminds me of the Naked Gun, lol!

karla said...

Too funny!

No, I'm serious. That was too funny. Scale it back a little.

(Ha ha!)

StringMan said...

The life of a dick is sure filled with lots of miscommunication -- and fun. Great post, Mike.

TMelendez said...

Oh my lord..
You need to be drug tested..

U R 2 funny!!

THe Hung Dong Dragon Restaurant needs a sign..!! Can you have it for the next adventure?