Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Lurn Two Wright Gud

(The following came from Dribble Glass.)

How to Write Good

Follow these tips, and you'll be writing gooder in no time!

~Always avoid alliteration.
~Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
~Avoid clichés like the plague—they're old hat.
~Employ the vernacular.
~Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
~Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
~Parenthentical words however must be enclosed in commas.
~It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
~Contractions aren't necessary.
~Do not use a foreign word when there is an adequate English quid pro quo. ~One should never generalize.
~Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
~Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
~Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
~It behooves you to avoid archaic expressions.
~Avoid archaeic spellings too.
~Understatement is always best.
~Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
~One word sentences? Eliminate. Always!
~Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
~The passive voice should not be used.
~Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
~Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixed metaphors—even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
~Who needs rhetorical questions?
~Don't use commas, that, are not, necessary.
~Do not use hyperbole; not one in a million can do it effectively.
~Never use a big word where a diminutive alternative would suffice.
~Subject and verb always has to agree.
~Be more or less specific.
~Placing a comma between subject and predicate, is not correct.
~Use youre spell chekker to avoid mispelling and to catch typograhpical errers.
~Don't repeat yourself, or say again what you have said before.
~Don't be redundant.
~Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
~Don't never use no double negatives.
~Poofread carefully to see if you any words out.
~Hopefully, you will use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
~Eschew obfuscation.
~No sentence fragments.
~Don't indulge in sesquipedalian lexicological constructions.
~A writer must not shift your point of view.
~Don't overuse exclamation marks!!!
~Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
~Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
~If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
~Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
~Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
~Always pick on the correct idiom.
~The adverb always follows the verb.
~And always be sure to finish what ......

It was a busy weekend and the grey matter is a little tired. Please excuse the "borrowed" and recycled material in today's post.



Minka said...

If I follow all these instructions at the same time...I´ll be left with no words :)
I´d rather write badly than not at all. So all the other bad writers have soemthing to read as well :)

Thoughts said...

It appears I'm not gonna be writin' much either....

Did I mention that I can't see very well and refuse to use my glasses if I can get away with it.....

Seems we find periods when the ol' brainpan just can't kick anything to the hands too...


Megan said...

Now can you teach me to talk pretty, too?

Gypsy said...

Great list!

Thanks for visiting my blog the other day.

Duke_of_Earle said...

Well, no WONDER I can't get published! But now that I know the RULES...


OldHorsetailSnake said...

No apologies necessary, Mike. I had not seen it before and it was quite funny.

Karen said...

"Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms"...

What if you don't have a barn? *grin*

jules said...

If you hadn't said anything I'd have never known.

Janet said...

Minka took the words right out of my mouth!

Shannon akaMonty said...

THAT made me laugh out loud.

This is my favorite: "Be more or less specific".

That's my personal motto, don't you know. :)