Saturday, May 27, 2006

Those Golden Oldies

The following were stolen from Hoss who stole them from Tan Lucy Pez. First, here is the list of updated songs to fit us Baby Boomers and those even older. These are songs to which we can relate.

Herman's Hermits -- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
The Bee Gees -- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?
Bobby Darin -- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Hot Flash
Ringo Starr -- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends
Roberta Flack -- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash -- I Can't See Clearly Now
Paul Simon -- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores -- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
Marvin Gaye -- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts
Procol Harem -- A Whiter Shade of Hair
Leo Sayer -- You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations -- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
Abba -- Denture Queen
Tony Orlando -- Knock 3 Times on the Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
Helen Reddy -- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore
Leslie Gore -- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To
Willie Nelson -- On the Commode Again

I wouldn't have "stolen" those unless I had the full intention of making up some of my own to add to the list. Without further adieu, here are my additions:

James Brown - Papas Got a Brand New Colostomy Bag
The Supremes - Falling In and Out of Bed
Shangri-las - Walkers in the Sand
Leslie Gore - It's My Potty (and I'll Try If I Want To)
David Houston - Almost Constipated
Dave Clark 5 - Catscan Us If You Can
Bob Dylan - Like A Kidney Stone
Supremes - Nothing But Heartburn
Lenny Welch - Since I Fell On You
Amboy Dukes - Gerney To the Center of the Ward
O.C. Smith- LIttle Green Tablets
The Tokens - The Loins Seep Tonight
Ray Charles - Take These IVs From My Arm
Tommy James - Moaning, Moaning
Glen Campbell - By The Time I Get To Pee
Hermans Hermits - There's a Kind of Mush (All Over My Shirt)
BJ Thomas - Slipped on a Peeling
Neil Sedaka - Breaking Up Pills Is Hard To Do
Lonnie Donegan - Does Your Dentures Lose Their Flavor In the Cup Overnight?

For your pleasure and a chance to sing along, here is one more with the complete lyrics:

Corn In My Stool
(To the tune of Born To Be Wild)
Get your bowels a movin'
Head on out to the bathroom,
Lookin' for some relief
And whatever comes out soon.
Yeah, darlin' go make it happen
Take the tissue in a love embrace
Fire all your guns at once
And explode all over the place.
It's like smoke and lightning
Heavy fartin' thunder
Tryin' to stay upwind
From that feelin' down under.
Yeah, darlin' go make it happen
Take the tissue in a love embrace
Fire all your guns at once
And explode all over the place.
Like prune juice was mild
Yes, there's corn, corn in my stool
We can crap so high
And wish we could die.
Corn in my stool
Corn in my stool.
This post is with the sincerest apologies to ASCAP and anyone who wasted their time reading this post. (Schlep Schlidin' Away)


kenju said...

I didn't waste my time - it is funny. I like your additions to the songs, especially James Brown and Hermans Hermits.

Where have you seen Ipana toothpaste for sale? I'd love to buy some.

jules said...

Can I paste the corn song in my bathroom, Mikey, if I promise to put it in some nice caligraphy?

Duke_of_Earle said...

Wonderful! I can hear every one of them.


Dick said...

I owe you an apology.
I was under the impression I had your link up and I can't find it.
I'll fix it though.

Phyllis said...

Hermans Hermits - There's a Kind of Mush (All Over My Shirt)
HAHAHAHA I work with the Elderly and this one is great!

Minka said...

Apologies accepted :)
But no, I loved it.
Now i have to copy teh list and show it to my old folks at work...they will understand teh sentiment better than I do :)

Miss Cellania said...

These all make way too much sense. I'll be sitting in the rocking chair wearing a shawl, if anyone needs me.