Wednesday, December 27, 2006


Aftermath n 1. a result or consequence; 2. when I had English class.

Pretty paper, pretty ribbons of blue;
Spread on the floor all about you;
All that money we surely did piss;
How in the hell we gonna pay for this?

The aftermath of Christmas in our living room is a scene that Currier & Ives would never have painted. The Christmas tree no longer stands over colorful packages, the landscape before it now a wasteland of dull boxes and torn paper. Why did we bother to take such great care when we wrapped them all?
....The next phase will begin soon enough when we begin to cull through the treasures, separating the keepers from those that will be returned or dare I say, re gifted?

....The money spent - the food consumed - the pounds gained ... these are the issues destined to headline our attention a few days hence. Yes, there is another list to be prepared. I like to refer to them as New Year's Revolutions, as opposed to Resolutions. In my case, I will surely overthrow the articles and mandates of said list and form my own by-laws for the coming year.
....I, who loathes failure, do hereby resolve to make no New Year's Resolutions! It's a full proof plan that I cannot possibly fail. I know this from experience, for it is the same resolution I made last year.

If I were to make some resolutions, I have to admit that I would "fix" the game. For example, for the New Year:

  • I will watch what I eat. (Easy enough, I never close my eyes when eating.)
  • I will not watch too many football games. (Luckily they don't broadcast too many.)
  • I will eat less fatty and greasy foods. ( ...For midnight snacks.)
  • I will not make hasty decisions. (I'll count to three first.)
  • I will not spend more money than I make. ( The printing press is broken.)
  • I will drink no wine before it's time. (One PM okay for you?)

Since I am getting primed for the New Year, I do believe a New Year's joke would suffice about now.

A Mexican, a Polish man, an African American, an Italian, a Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, a nun and Bill Clinton walk into a bar on New Year's Eve ...
....The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

The Beer Prayer: Our Lager, which art in barrels, hallowed be Thy drink; Thy will be drunk, I will be drunk at home as we are in the pub. Give us this day our foamy head, and forgive us our spillage, as we forgive those who spill upon us. And lead us not into incarceration, but deliver us from hangovers; for Thine is the beer, the bitter, and the Lager, forever and ever. Amen.



Peter said...

I think I could live with your new years revolutions Mike.

The Ferryman said...

Well, you can't go by Currier and Ives, those fuckers...

jules said...

Resolutions? Oh man, is it THAT time AGAIN????

Scary Monster said...

Me find that most folks get annoyed with me cause I steal their Chrismas trees to use as toothpicks after me snacks on their neighbors.

Ha Ha Ho Ho Heee Hee Hee.
Me word verification was MSNPOO

Serena said...

I'm resolving to make no resolutions because I already know I have no intention of keeping them. Except -- I'm not going to watch what I eat, either. That ain't no fun. I'd rather look at ... other stuff.:)

Jack K. said...

One pm is fine with me.

I intend to watch everything I eat. That's half the fun of it.

I was going to make some lewd statement, but this is a family site. I'll let your readers think about it. lol

Anonymous said...

I know it's hard to be concise. Please write more.


Miss Cellania said...

Boy, can I relate to the difficulty of paying for Christmas! My New Year's resolution is to get a paying job.