Monday, December 18, 2006

A Redneck Night Before Christmas*

You might be saying (groan) - "Not another Redneck Christmas posting!" Miss Cellania put up a different version. They are both pretty good on their own merits.

A Redneck Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the shack,
Not a durn thing was a movin', from the front to the back.

The kids was in bed, ...we had nine at the time,
The wife in her curlers, was lookin' real fine.

A cold wind was blowin', up the holler moaned,
All ten dogs on the porch howled and groaned.

The boys were all dreamin' of dogs and guns,
For huntin' God's creatures, .....there's no better fun!

The girls in their feminine dreams were attuned,
To getting those gallons of Wal-Mart perfume.

The wife wanted jewelry, like rings with big rocks,
I just wanted my pickup down off the blocks.

Then out in the yard, such a noise did commence,
Like something was caught in our new 'bobwar' fence.

I ran to the window, and saw pretty quick,
The man makin' that racket, was good Ol' St. Nick.

You may think of Santa in your own mind's eye,
Dressed in a red and white suit but, I've got a surprise.

That old boy's an Arkie, from up near Mt. Gaylor,
He married his cousin, and they live in a trailer.

On Christmas, of course, a sleigh for his rig,
He hooks the thing up to razorback pigs!

He climbed on the roof, with his bag full of goodies,
He backed down the fireplace, all dirty and sooty.

Fat legs in his britches, chubby hands in his mittens,
I must admit from the back, he looked like Bill Clinton.

He looked at the milk and cookies on the coffee table
He cursed and muttered, "What, no Carlings Black Label?"

He turned toward the tree, his eyes all aglow,
He was an Arkansas boy from his head to his toe.

His neck was a red one, his shirt said "Lite Beer",
He had no red hat on, but his cap read "John Deere".

He left all the presents, with an air of delight,
Then it was back to the chimney, and away in the night.

He fell in the yard, threw his bag in the sleigh,
Then he yelled at the dogs, "Get the heck out th' way!"

I ran out to ask him why he brought such good cheer;
But instead he just asked me, "Did you get you a deer?"

Then I heard him exclaim, as those pigs took to flight,
"Merry Christmas to all..... an to all, a good night!"

*This was "borrowed" from that most prolific of authors, Anonymous. (Although I did add the lines with coffee table and Carlings Black Label.)



Fred said...

How'd you get that picture of me with the beer can?

kenju said...

That's a pretty good version of rednecks, Mike, and I like your additions.

Thanks for the kind words at my place; I am happy you came to visit and enjoyed what you read.

Peter said...

Them thar rednecks have a lot to answer for Mike, they're industrious at least.

Anonymous said...

Wow. I always wondered when pigs would fly - now I know - it's at christmas. That just figures.

Anonymous said...

Let them rednecks have thier Christmas. Good one.

Jack K. said...

Just when you think it can't get any funnier, you top yourself.

Thanks for the holiday cheer.

Carling's Black Label in the wassail cup? Now that is a novel idea. Great addition.

jules said...

So are you coming to my house to sing all these carols Mikey?

Hale McKay said...

If you have plenty of cold Carlings Black Label, I'm there, Jules!

LZ Blogger said...

That anonymous guy sure gets around doesn't he? Hope you have a Merry Christmas! McKay ~ jb///

Miss Cellania said...

Razorback pigs. Ha!

Anonymous said...

And, of course, your lines were the very best.

Serena said...

Even rednecks gotta have their fun. LOL. That was terrific.

Jodi said...

Very good, Hale. Hysterical. I used to live in the land of rednecks, so you hit it right on the head.

Christina said...


Skunkfeathers said...

Ah yes, ze old redneck Christmas ploy...MissCellania does pull together a great bit of humor from all over, doesn't she? Returning your visit (hopefully without the verification glitch), and adding this site to my 'read' file. Looks like a lot of reading ahaid ;)

Anonymous said...

That was very funny I'm a redneck and that is how our Christmas is at my house everybody just doesn't care what people think and we do whatever we want to love we got to write a story like this for school and I'm doing the country night before Christmas haha lol :) :P