Monday, March 26, 2007

A Conversation With Joe

My coffee was so bitter this morning.

If you can't even have an intelligent, quiet conversation with Joe in the mornings, you're in for a long day.

Me: -Good morning, Joe!
Joe: What's so f**kin' good about it?
Me: -Whoa! Look who got up on the wrong side of the cupboard.
Joe: You don't look so hot yourself.
Me: -I just got out of bed. I look this way every morning.
Joe: Yeah? Tell me about it.
Me: -So what's your beef? I have to go to work. You? You get to stay home all day.
Joe: Easy for you to say. I get stuck in the dishwasher with a bunch of stuck up glasses.
Me: -Yes, but you get a nice hot shower.
Joe: Sure .. with a bunch of basketball jocks. I can see right through them.
Me: -Not again. So what if they're tall and you're short? I've told you..size doesn't matter!
Joe: Oh? That's not what your wife says!
Me: -Hey! Be nice.
(There is a moment of silence as a teaspoon bearing a level helping of sugar is immersed into the cup.)
Joe: Aw, geesh! Stop banging that spoon around!
Me: -Sorry, I'll stir slower.
(There is another moment of silence as cold milk is poured into the cup.)
Joe: Ouch! Don't you know what a shock that is to my insides? Cold milk and hot coffee ... What a d**khead!
Me: -Hey! Watch the language, Joe. Must you talk so dirty?
Joe: What do you want? I was just ground this morning!
Me: -(Groan!) You know I like my coffee like my women - blonde and sweet.
Joe: Is that so? Your wife's not a real blonde. What's up with that?
Me: -Would you please keep my wife out of this conversation?!
Joe: Like you're a bundle of joy to talk to in the mornings!
Me: -Look, I just want to enjoy a hot cup of coffee and read the paper.
Joe: Oh sure, fill me up with hot and cold fluids then ignore me. Screw old Joe, eh?
Me: -Joe, do the letters "F-O" mean anything to you?
Joe: Now who has the dirty mouth?
(The repartee ends for a moment as the newspaper is opened and folded to the puzzle page.)
Me: -Hmm ... A four-letter word meaning 'intercourse'...
Joe: Got any letters?
Me: -Yeah, it ends in 'k.' Wait! I got it ... talk!
Joe: Wrong! Any fool knows it's gotta be f**k!
Me: -Ahem! Joe?
Joe: Hey, it was a 50-50 chance. F**K and talk are practically he same thing anyway.
Me: -Okay, I'll bite. How are they the same?
Joe: Simple ... one you do with the hips and the other you do with the lips. In the end, you end up spitting!
(There is a sudden eruption of coffee which is spewed across the table.)
Joe: Bravo! A wonderful display of talking!
Me: -Joe, you are ... incorrigible!
Joe: Thank you, I think? Wait! Where are you going? What are you going to do?
(There is a sudden rush of water from the faucet at the kitchen sink.)
Me: -You need your mug washed out with soap, my friend.
Joe: No! Not the dish detergent! Anything but that! (Glub-glub!)
Me: -Thanks for the pleasant chat, Joe! Now I have to stop at the coffee shop on the way to work!
Joe: Traitor!

A little later I am pulling away from the coffee shop drive-up window, a piping hot cup of java in the cup holder. As I place the cup to my lips I am looking forward to a nice peaceful moment ...

Hey, moron! Don't squeeze me so hard ... you trying to break my ribs?

Yes, it's going to be a long day!



Serena said...

Most illuminating. Now maybe I'll understand my coffee a little better. LOL.

MXI said...

First of all, I don't take that kind of crap from my coffee, I let it know right away that there is a diet coke just 3 feet away and it can be replaced.

Secondly thanks for the visit! Don't be a stranger.

Thirdly, I have been to your site before and I enjoy what you guys do over at Verbicidal Tendencies.

Shannon akaMonty said...

Stop calling me Joe.


Jack K. said...

Strange. I never have such conversations. Maybe I've been missing something in my life.

No. Wait. I've got blog sites I go to for more stimulating conversation than with a mug of joe.

Think I'll drift over to Verbicidal Tendencies now.

lime said...

this is exactly why i DON'T drink coffee!

bring onthe cocoa!

Raggedy said...

lmao. Great Post!
I need to have some talks with my coffee.

Anonymous said...

Coffee and "talking"...ummmm...both are great early morning!-CMM