Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Southern Fried Lard

The Best Humor is...

My cousin Clem is so dumb...
How dumb is he?
He's so dumb that he took a pair of scissors to a pile of cash, snipped it up to pieces and then glued the whole mess onto a poster board.
Now why would he go and do a dumb thing like that?
Well, I asked him that very same question. He replied "My father said I should save my money and use it for collage!"

I don't reckon you happen to knows the difference between a Yankee Zoo and a Southern Zoo?
I reckon I don't. What is the difference?
Well, son, it's like this: A Yankee Zoo puts a sign on the cages that tells you the name of the animal and the scientific name. The Southern Zoo uses signs too, only their signs give the name of the animal and a recipe for cookin' the critters.

The Redneck Love Poem

Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like corn silk a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,
You spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,
We go together like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day
From the cooler at Kroger. That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
More useful than diamonds......IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!

A Redneck Hunting Trip

At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.

"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"

"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.

"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"

My Own Grandpa

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter who,
of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
who kept them on the run.

And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife, she's my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
the strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa.

Now y'all remember when passing on this stuff ...
That a Yankee fairy tale begins with: Once Upon A Time..
And a Redneck fairy tale begins with: Y'all Ain't Gonna Believe This...



Jack K. said...

And a war story starts out, "No shit, this really happened."

I also thought the word was spelled, "swahv." Oh well, live and learn.

guffaw, snerx

Anonymous said...

Hey bubba

I done tagged you for a meme - come to the "Sudiegirl's perfect dinner party" post to read more about what you gotta do.

Travis Erwin said...

Now y'all are fixin' to offend me.

Vickie said...

If I did not know better I would think you were making fun of me--well at least my friends---you know I do love the South---hell I just spent the last week telling everyone in my blog just how much I love Georgia...LOL

I love the humor I find here--I always leave with a smile.

Hale McKay said...

Miss Vickie, I would never make fun of you - well, maybe I'd poke a little fun. Remember, I fit right into this "stereotype" - even if I have been transplanted up here in Yankeedom.

Peter said...

Great redneck love poem Mike.