Wednesday, August 29, 2007

A Redneck Does Cyber Sex

Howdie do, folks. I'm Clyde S. Dale. Y'all don't knows me, but you knows my boy Cletis Clyde. Now iffin you be a-wonderin' why he ain't got the same last name as his pappy, that's coz me and his maw never got hitched. So's he was brung up to pick the Christian name he wuz a gonna go by when he was growed up. He decided to use his pappy's name. Now why he up and picked my first name, I been a puzzlin' and scratchin' my head over that one fer some time now.

Well, his name pickin' be danged. That's not why I been invited for this here guest posting gig at that feller Hale McKay's website. It turns out he was a-lookin' for somethin' funny to post about that there Sy Burr sex stuff what a lot of people seems to be carryin' on about. Well, I don't rightly know who Sy Burr is or why so many people want to have sex with him, but I figures he must have more a-draggin' than what most menfolk in these here parts have a-hangin!

It jest so happens that Cletis decided to go on the computer to find out what all the fuss wuz about. He asked me what I thot of the whole thing. Well I told him somethin' funny 'bout a hole, but he didn't think it was none too funny. Ya see, someone done stole that prize watermelon of his'n out back a couple of weeks ago.

Now where wuz I? Oh yeah, anyways, I told him the best advice I cud give him was that when he signed up fer one of them chat rooms he shud make a scream name for hisself. When he asked me 'How come?' I said he shudn't use his real name in case he dun went and knocked up one of those Sy Burr gals.

Ya'll recall what I said 'bout his name choosin'? Well he signed hisself up as "I'm_Not_Cletis." I gotta give him his due propers for pickin' a purty dern good one. Jest the other day he logged on and asked me to sit with him in case he got all tongue-tied and cudn't think of anything to say. I told him iffin he wuz gonna be tryin' to type with his tongue, then there wuz no way I wuz a-gonna be sittin' there next to him.

Seein' as I have a photogenic memory for things what I sees and hears, I commissioned to memory the really good stuff what transpired when he started a-talkin' to some sweet virgin gal. She musta been too, coz that's the scream name what she wuz a usin': "Virgin_Gal." Now, Cletis thot she wuz prolly usin' one of them scream names. But I told him I didn't think so, coz most them folks on-line weren't as smart as us and didn't know any better.

Well, here 'tis, my prescription of what done took place when those two got to Sy Burr Sexin':
I'm_Not_Cletis: Hello, Virgin_Gal. What do you look like?
Virgin_Gal: I am wearing a silk blouse, a miniskirt, fishnet stockings and high heels. My measurements are 36DD-24-36. What do you look like?

Cletis: I am 6'7" and about 150 pounds with my clod hoppers on. I'm wearing dungarees and a white muscle tee-shirt with fried chicken stains from supper on the belly.
Virgin: I want you! Would you like to screw me?

Cletis: Well golly, sure!
Virgin: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on the dresser. I'm looking up into your eyes. My hand is on your crotch and it is fondling your huge, swelling bulge.

Cletis: (Pant-pant) Nope! My hand done got there first.
Virgin: You put your hands on my breast...

Cletis: Tarnation, girl. Ain't you got more than one?
Virgin: I'm pulling up your tee shirt and kissing your chest. You are unbuttoning my blouse. We are both getting hot.

Cletis: I'm beginning to sweat. Dammit, Pappy! Would you quit breathin' so hard so close to me! Push back some, would you?
Virgin: ? ? ? Oh yes! I'm rubbing against you and pushing back!

Cletis: I done pulled too hard and ripped your silk blouse. I couldn't get those fool buttons undone!
Virgin: You're taking charge. You're animal strength is making me hotter! You begin to reach behind me to unhook my bra. I'm moaning.

Cletis: You know, my Maw always gives me a bicarbonate for belly aches.
Virgin: ? ? ? I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk bra slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster and faster. I'm pulling at it and rubbing it.

Cletis: Gosh darn it, girl! You been a rubbin' my swiss army knife all this time in my pocket next to where you should be rubbin'.
Virgin:? ? ? My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breathe harder and harder. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you. I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Cletis: Oh, shit! You gotta excuse me, Virgin_Gal. I gotta go squirt!
Virgin: ? ? ? What? You're going to leave me like this ... all hot and wet?
Cletis: I'll bring you back a towel!
Virgin: ? ? ? Hurry! Please hurry!
Virgin: Hello?
Virgin: Hello? Are you there?

Cletis: I gotta go. I can't do this any more.
Virgin: What? Why in the hell not?

Cletis: I done got it caught in my zipper!! And I done pissed all over your toilet seat, your walls and your floor. I even pissed in your laudry hamper. My God! I'm bleeding!
Virgin: Oh dear. Come here, lover. I'll kiss it and make it all better.

Cletis: Damn it!
Virgin: Now what?

Cletis: Now I done knocked over one of your candles.
Virgin: ? ? ? Well don't just stand there. Pick it up!

Cletis: You aren't goin' to believe this ... Your carpet, your curtains and wall paper ... they are all ...
Virgin: What about them? What in the hell are you doing?

Cletis: I'll be right back. I'm calling 9-1-1!
Virgin: Never mind! I'm getting dressed. I'm putting my torn blouse back on. I'm logging off. I'm going to bed, you loser!

Cletis: Wait! Can I ask you something?
Virgin: Yes? What is it?

Cletis: You wouldn't by any chance happen to have any marshmallows lying about, would you?
Well, there you have it. That was how my boy, Cletis' first day went in one of them Sy Burr Sex rooms. He's been back in there a few times lookin' for that Virgin_Gal, but he ain't seen hide nor hair of her. I tried telling him she prolly is using a different name now and that maybe he should change his'n too.

All he had to say on the matter wuz that the next time he hooks up with that gal, he's gonna make sure he has his own marshmallows. That's why I'm so proud of him, he always manages to keep his priorities straight - even when he has his head up his ass.



Queenie said...

He he,ha ha, this is not normal!!!!

Jack K. said...


You've done it again.

Thanks for a great laugh.

Hopefully Cletis will remember the marshmallows, chocolate bar and graham crackers.


Rain said...


This is a great post and it made my day!

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