Friday, August 22, 2008

Cletis Clyde's Conjungle Advice & Aneckdotes

I been tryin' to figger out why they's so much divorcin' goin' on. So's I done did sum researchin' to see what I cud come up with. Well, learnin' gives me the gosh darnedest headaches. Now you give no never mind to the fact that my pappy always says to me, "Iffin I had a head like your'n, I'd have a headache too."

Jest so's I didn't go and furget all that I wuz a learnin', I writ it all down on back of a 'ployment form I wuz 'sposed to fill out fer a job down at Piggly Wiggly's. My wife said I shuda writ it all down on summa that stationery paper. I tell she's a dumb one, coz she don't knows that since it's stationery paper, then it means it can't be moved.

I tell ya, I got me a whole batch of cuzzins what's a livin' close by in these hills and hollers. I ain't fer sure why, but prac'ly everybody's related in sum way or anuther. I been toled that they's cuzzins of mine that are once, twice and even three times removed. Hells bells, I even got sum that that never moved a'tall. They's been a livin' in the same ol' shack fer as long as I can recall.

Bye n' bye, I purty soon had done c'lected a lotta stuff that wuz inaminute, you know secret stuff like that 'tween men and womens when they git nekkid and all sweaty. 'Tweren't long before I had some mighty int'restin' conjungle facts. In fact, I had so much that sum the folks said I shud make a book outta all that I wuz bein' toled by the people I wuz a talkin' to.

Paw wanted to know why I wuz a callin' my book "Cletis Clyde's Conjungle Advice & Aneckdotes" fer. I says to him I said, "Tarnation Paw, coz Cletis Clyde's my name." Well, he slapped me on the back and said, "Damn it all, iffin you ain't one smart boy! And iffin' I wuz sure you wuz my son, I'd be right proud to call you son."

One thing a lot of those folks wuz concerned 'bout wuz fidelity. I'll be hanged if I knows what radios and stereos hasta do with married life, but I listened jest the same and writ down what they wuz a sayin'. The first of my cuzzins I talked to 'bout stayin' together and not divorcin' wuz Clem and his purty wife Ellie.

Clem pulled me aside so's Ellie cudn't eezdrop and he said, "The best way to 'void divorce is to not git cot when one's a cheatin'." When I started to write down that sound piece of advice, he said I best not. Coz the next thing I knows a lotta fellers gonna get real mad-like iffin' I wuz to talk 'bout a man's right to go huntin' fer some strange so's his wife don't know.

With Ellie a listen' in he toled the same advice, but it was in a condescended version, ya know, he shortened it sum and left off the part 'bout gettin' cot. Then he said he'd tell me 'bout a incident that jest happened the other night and they wuz thinkin' a divorce might be the right thing to do. Rightcheer is his story:
When Cuzzin Clem came home late his wife Ellie wuz already in bed. He went into the bedroom, undressed lickity-split and crawled into bed next to her. He leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. Then he waited a bit before he hauled off and walloped her square on the ass.

"What in the hell wuz that fer?" Ellie shrieked jumpin up in bed.Clem said to her,"Fer not openin yer eyes to see who it wuz!"

Well, it wuzn't long before he and Ellie wuz a fightin' and a cussin' with one another like all git out. Finally Ellie said to him that she knowed it wuz him coz she heard him come stumblin' in all drunk and when he tripped over the hound dawg he wuz a cussin' up a storm.

So they ended up not divorcin' and stayin' together. Clem thought that since they wuz both butt nekkid and 'pologies had been made and accepted, that they might as well do some conjungle stuff. Well, it turns out Ellie wuz still mad. Clem had to sleep with the hound dawg fer the night.
So as I wuz a finishin' writin' down what they'd been a sayin' I said, "So that's what fidelity is." They looked at me kinda funny and then at each other and then at me again and Ellie said, "What duz radios and stereos have to do with marriage?"

The next cuzzins I called on wuz Billy Bob and his missus, Sarah Jean. It seems they's wuz a wantin' to have a baby, least wise Sarah Jean wus wantin' to have a baby. I ain't none too sure Billy Bob had the same hankerin'. Anyways, they went to see the doctor and this what follows wuz what took place:
Billy Bob and Sarah Jean toled the doctor that they's been tryin' to have a baby fer quite some time now.

The doctor asked, "What position are you in when you experience ejaculation?"

"What's ejaculation?" Billy Bob asked.

"Well, uh, that's your climax when you come." answered the doctor.

Billy Bob was a bit confused for a moment. Then he asked, "Do you mean the white stuff?"

The doctor nodded.

"Well Sarah Jean says it's too icky," he said, "so I jest shoot it in the sink before we start."
The next story I got wuz toled to me last night when I stopped at the funeral home. My Uncle Joe's wife of twenty years took sick over the weekend and up and died. It don't have much to do with radios and stereos, but it wuz a touching story 'bout about a couple who stayed together:
Uncle Joe wuz standin' next to her casket, greeting friends and cuzzins. One cuzzin took him aside and said, "Joe, everybody is a gossipin' like crazy. Why in the hell did you choose a Y-shaped casket for Judy May?"

"Well," replied Uncle Joe, "I came home and found her nekkid in bed. And since fer once she wuzn't complainin' of a headache, I took off my clothes and climbed on. "Tweren't 'til rigor set in that I noticed she wuz dead, but by then it wuz too late to get her legs together."
A young woman named Bertha on the other side of the hill a couple of hollers away toled me about her first date with her husband Henry Joe. I didn't think it wuz about stayin' together or divorcin', but she said it wuz funny and why she decided to marry such a dumb man.
Henry Joe called up Bertha and asked her if she'd like to go sparkin' down by the big pond at Kelly Bottom.

"But Henry Joe, I've got my menstrual cycle."

Answered a determined Henry Joe, "So, I'll borrow my brother's Moped!"
Well, I didn't think it wuz a very funny story. It wuz all I cud do to not call her the dumb one. Coz everyone who knows a lick about bikes, knows fer a fact that no manufacturer makes a motor cycle called a Menstrual.

This here next story is 'bout a incident what happened to me whilst I wuz on my way to visit sum cuzzins up in Pittsburgh. You might say it has to do with cheatin', but I'm of a mind that tryin' don't count none.
I wuz a walkin' to the train station mindin' my own bizness when this woman wuz a walkin' 'cross my path. She wuz a blonde-headed gal wearin' a real low cut dress that wuz a showin' off the hugest ones I think I ever saw. She looked like Dolly Parton, iffin you get my drift.

I ends up a followin' her coz as it turns out she wuz a headin' to the train station too. So's I decided to have some intercoursin' wiffin her. (That's a cinnamon, or another word fer talkin, before any y'all try to 'cuse me of me tryin' to pick her up.)

I introduced myself to her and asked what she might be doin' later and iffin' she might have a gumption to go out with a handsome guy like me. It musta been oblivious that I wuz a watchin' her chest a jigglin' more than I wuz a lookin' at her face, coz she said "You're a pig. You are more interested in my body than me the person." She then said goodbye to me and said she had to get off to work.

I tried to talk to some other gals on the way to the station, but I wuzn't havin' much luck. So I proceeded on to the station to buy my train tickets to Pittsburgh. When I got up to the ticket window, wuz I sure surprised to see that blonde and her bigguns a workin' in there a sellin' train tickets.

I decided to try real hard to look at her face and eyes when I bot my tickets and to act jest like a perfect gentleman. She wuzn't none too happy to see me, but she acted professional and asked where it wuz I wanted to go.

I couldn't help myself but to take a quick stare at her cleavage before I spoke. You won't believe what come out of my mouth! I said, "I'd like a picket to Titsburgh!"

She crossed her arms across her chest and frowned. She wuz a none too happy ticket seller fer sure.

I cleared my throat and tried again, "I mean, I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, please." I wuz relieved and then fer sum reason I said,"And I'd like my change in nipples and dimes."

She stared real menacin' like and said, "How 'bout I sell you sum tickets fer straight to Hell?" I wuz on the losin' end of the stick I cud see. But then I had a brilliant idea.

"Miss," I said to her, "If you're gonna keep goin' 'round dressed like that a hangin' out fer men like me to gawk at, then judgement will be passed on you at the Pearly Gates. And St. Finger will surely be there pointing his peter at you ..."

I turned to walk away and said, "I think I'll take the bus."
Well folks, that's all of the aneckdotes and conjungle advice I found fer my book so far. But when I finds sum more, I'll sure drop by and share sum more wiffin you. In the meantime, I think I jest might move the radio and stereo into the bedroom and see if iffin I can figger out what all the fuss over fidelity is.


1 comment:

Jack K. said...

Sorry I didn't make a comment the other day.

Cletis Clyde does have a way with words. I particularly like his use of cinnamons. snerx.