Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Here's Johnny!

The phrase "Here's Johnny!" no doubt evokes in the conscious mind of most of us the iconic image (left) of Jack Nicholson from the movie The Shining. (What husband wouldn't go insane cooped up in a snowed-in hotel with Olive Oyl?*)

Lest we forget, the phrase is also synonymous with Ed McMahon on The Tonight Show as he introduced each week night the host and star of the show, Johnny Carson.

In fact, the scene in the film adaptation of the Stephen King book was a tribute to the late night talk show host.

When I think of the name Johnny, Carson is usually the first to come to mind. There are others named Johnny that could enter my thoughts also; Johnny Cash, Johnny Weissmuller, Johnny Appleseed, Johnny Yuma, Johnny Horton, Johnny Come-lately, etc.

Jack Nicholson's role of an insane writer aside, I cannot help but tremble in fear of a more sinister Johnny. (Crescendo of creepy organ music plays in background.) That would be the hospital johnnie!

I honestly believe the design of these hospital "fashion statements" was not one of function or practicality, but rather to satisfy the voyeuristic needs of perverted and horny doctors and nurses. Don't believe me? Try putting one on backwards and see what reaction you get.

It's a sobering feeling, clad in one of these "Greek togas," to be sent marching down the corridors to another room or lab for blood work, X-rays, or an MRI. Back in February of this year I was being treated for a nasty case of celulitis in my right leg. It was necessary that I be naked from the waist down wearing one of those johnnies as I made that lonely walk carrying paperwork to be given to the lab technician.

Not intending to come across as homophobic, I couldn't help but wonder how many of the male staff I passed while en route might be sneaking a peek. It's gratifying to the male ego should a woman comment, "Nice ass," but not so if same compliments were to be uttered by a scrub-clad orderly.
Sentenced to stand in front of a firing squad, the prisoner refused the blindfold and declined to give any last words. To his surprise he was told to face the wall and not his executioners. The ties of the johnnie which barely covered his nakedness as it was, were loosened and he was then forced to bend forward.

He heard not the metal clicks of the guns being readied to open fire when given the orders. Instead, he heard the sounds of different weapons being unsheathed. Boing! Boing! Boing!
I kept asking my self, "Why did I come to the hospital? Why didn't didn't I go to my primary care doctor first?"

By now those readers who frequent this blog are waiting for that segue that will lead them to the impending jokes somewhere below these paragraphs. So be it.

You've heard of Carson and Horton and Appleseed,
And Weissmuller and Cash and Yuma and Come-lately,
But do you recall
The most ubiquitous Johnny of all?

Heeeeeere's Little Johnny!

Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"

"Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."

Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!"

"Why?" his father asked.

"Because the mailman stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!"

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With YOU!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'"

Sally raised her hand and said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'"

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was notorious for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.

Johnny said loudly, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons."

The teacher said, "That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use the word 'fascinate' in your sentence."

Little Johnny continued, "But her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight."

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his penis in preparation of sex with his wife.

Johnny's father in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it bent over as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asked curiously, "Whatcha doing dad?"

His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.

To which Little Johnny replied, "What ya gonna do, f**k him?"

Little Johnny was passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeked in and caught his folks having sex. Before his dad could even react, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

Relieved that Johnny was not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, Daddy agreed. Johnny hopped on and Daddy started going to town. Pretty soon Mommy started moaning and gasping.

Johnny cried out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

The Sunday School teacher was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?"

Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?"

Suzie replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!"

"What a wonderful answer!" the teacher said.

Now, Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I think it's your legs."

The teacher looked at him with the strangest look on her face as Johnny is known for his antics. Hesitant to ask, the teacher said, "Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Lil Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was moaning, 'God, I'm coming!', and if Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd a lost her for sure!"

(* I cannot see Shelly Duvall in any role without visualizing her in the role she was born to play as Olive Oyl in the Popeye movie.)

Now I ask you, what other blogger would attempt to tie in Stephen King, The Tonight Show, Folsom Prison, Tarzan, apples, the Civil War, Alaska, hospital johnnies, togas, homophobia, a Christmas melody, Popeye the Sailor, and oh yeah, a gay firing squad with Little Johnny jokes in a post and still maintain continuity?



Jack K. said...

Only our very own, Hale.

Not many of us our that demented, articulate or have your imagination.

Besides, at least one of us is too lazy to even look for those skills. snerx.

I was doing fine until I got to fascinate. lmao.

Skunkfeathers said...

I agree with Jack: you are the Johnny continuity mastah ;)

Hale McKay said...


I suppose one us gentlemen should offer to help her fascinate the other two?

Hale McKay said...


Continuity Mastah? Hmmm ... an interesting sobriquet.