Sunday, August 31, 2008

Jokers With Poker Faces

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The Watch Dog

My Bubble Burst

I Thought There Were Only TWO Jokers

What if there was in existence an actual time transportation machine, like Mr. Peabody's Wayback Machine?

What if we could interact with historic figures of the past without any worries of disturbing the space-time continuum?

What if we could gather three deceased U.S. Presidents, three living former Presidents, the current President and the two men currently campaigning to be the next President all together in one room?

Finally, what if this group of men have gotten together, not to talk politics, but to play a friendly game of poker?
(Parts of the following contain paraphrased excerpts from the recording "The Presidents' Card Game" as performed by the comedian and impressionist, Rich Little.)
The Scene: Nine distinguished(?) gentlemen(?) are seated at a large round card table lit by a single overhead light. Around the table are glasses and several bottles of various liquids such as water, iced tea, beer, Scope, Pepto-Bismol and Geritol.

Barack Obama starts the game by dealing the cards around the table to Ronald Reagan, George H.W. Bush, Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton, Richard Nixon, George W. Bush, Gerald Ford, and John McCain.

Obama: Gentlemen, ante up.
Clinton: Say, the pot seems to be short a chip.
Nixon: Why's everyone looking at me? I'm not a crook!
Ford: They did call you Tricky Dick, didn't they?
Nixon: Well, pardon me!
Ford: I already did.

Obama: The game's 5-card stud.
Clinton: Why's everyone looking at me?
McCain: NO one's looking at you, Bubba.

Reagan: I'll take three cards.
Bush Sr: I'll fold.
Carter: Give me two, please.
Clinton: I'll take two also.
Nixon: Three.
Dubya: None for me.
Ford: Fold.
McCain: Give me two cards.
Obama: ...And the dealer takes two.

Reagan: Gin! (Lays his hand face up on the table.)
Nixon: Ronnie, we're playing poker, you dope.
Reagan: Oh, I forgot. Then I'll fold.

Carter: I'll bet two dollars.
Nixon: Dollars? I thought we were playing penny ante.
Obama: The minimum is one dollar. You have to see his bet or raise, Dick.
Nixon: You think I'm made of money? I fold!
Clinton: Hey! It's my turn! I'll see Jimmy's two dollars and raise it a dollar.
Nixon: I still fold.
Dubya: Here's my three and I'll raise you five. (Tosses 3 red chips and one blue chip into pot.)

Obama: Mr. President, you threw $25 worth of chips into the pot.
Bush Sr: Son, why can't you get the chips straight? The white ones are $1, the red are $5 and the blue ones are worth $10.
Clinton: No wonder the National budget is so screwed up!

Dubya: (Glares at Clinton.) Tell ya what, I like my hand. That's my bet.
McCain: $30 bucks to play? That's too rich for me. I'll fold.
Obama: I'll see your bet, Georgie. Jimmy?
Carter: I'm out.
Dubya: Read 'em and weep, boys. All red. (Spreads his cards on the table and reaches for the pot.)
Obama: Not so fast! I have a pair. Two lovely ladies.
Clinton: (Stands up and looks around.) Lovely ladies? Where? Where?
Dubya: Wait a minute, Osama! I have a 5-6-7-8-9 straight flush!
Obama: Obama! The name's Obama.
Bush Sr: Junior, you idiot! A straight has to be in the same suit. You have two hearts and three diamonds.
Clinton: Would someone please tell where these lovely ladies are?

Carter: Bill, you're lusting. You know, I once lusted for a woman ... in my heart.
Ford: Was that before or after you were attacked by that killer rabbit?
Nixon: Maybe if you weren't lusting and playing with bunny rabbits, you might have ended that Iran hostage crisis on your watch. You left that mess for the next guy. Ain't that right, Ronnie?
Reagan: Z-z-z-z ... Huh? I'll bid three spades.
Bush Sr: Poker, Ron. We're not playing Bridge. Poker. Poker!
Clinton: Poke her? I can't find either one of them.

Obama: Come on guys. Let's play another hand. Your deal, Ronnie.
Reagan: Z-z-z-z ... (Yawn.) Gentlemen ... You too, Dick ... The game is draw poker ... deuces, one-eyed Jacks, red Queens and black Kings are wild.
McCain: That the game you used to play with Bonzo?

Bush Sr: I'll take three cards.
Carter: Two for me.
Clinton: Hmmm ... Better give me four.
Nixon: Just one for me.
Dubya: Let's see ... make it three.
Ford: I have no threes. Go Fish. Anybody got any eights?
McCain: Jerry, did you trip and bang your head again?

Reagan: Shucks, fellas. It's late. I have get home. It's time for Nancy to pour me some warm milk before we go to bed.
Nixon: Look at this way, Ronnie. At least you never had to invest in a vibrating bed.
Reagan: Huh?
Nixon: Oh, never mind.

Dubya: Ronnie's right. It is getting late. Besides, I gotta get home and watch my videos of the women's Olympic volleyball team.
Clinton: I saw that on television. That close to those skimpy bikinis ... You lucky stiff.
Dubya: They were good. The gold medal was in the bag.
Clinton: Speaking of bags ... I gotta go home and crawl into bed with one!

McCain: Yeah, I'd better get home too. Cindy doesn't like to sleep alone.
Obama: Are you sure you know which one of your houses you're staying at?
Clinton: John, let me know anytime you need a stand-in. Does she like cigars?
McCain: Bubba, you're incorrigible. Anyway, I have to get up early and hit the campaign trail with Sarah.
Clinton: That was a dirty trick, McCain! Hillary sure is pissed!
Obama: Gentlemen ... And you too, John. It's been real. We really should get together and do this again. Of course ... Ahem ... I'll be President by then.
McCain: Over my dead body!
Carter: From the looks of you, that shouldn't take too long.

Bush Sr: Hey! What happened to all the chips?
Nixon: What's everybody looking at me for? I told you, I'm not a crook!

As these important(?) American men leave the room, there is a promise that we will get together again someday soon. When that happens you will be invited to take another trip in time in the Wayback Machine. Until then may you have a good yesterday, today and tomorrow.

Obama: Hey, Gipper! It's time to go.
Reagan: Z-z-z-z-z-z ...



Fred said...

I love the gif indicating "bigger and easier." As usual, great cartoons.

I need to visit again to catch up on Eddie. I hope I didn't miss too much.

Hale McKay said...

Thank you, Fred. I liked that GIF too.

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