Sunday, July 26, 2009

Corn In My Stool

In growing numbers we Baby Boomers are becoming today's senior citizens. Tapped from my archives of four years ago, I thought it was time to revisit the idea that the songs we grew up with should be aging with us. They say our music is the soundtrack of our lives.

With that thought in mind I came up with some possible changes to our beloved recordings they now call "Golden Oldies." Our music should grow old with us and reflect that aging.

Feel free to sing along.

Herman's Hermits -- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
The Bee Gees -- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?
Bobby Darin -- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Hot Flash
Ringo Starr -- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends
Roberta Flack -- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash -- I Can't See Clearly Now
Paul Simon -- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores -- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
Marvin Gaye -- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts
Procol Harem -- A Whiter Shade of Hair

Leo Sayer -- You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations -- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
Abba -- Denture Queen
Tony Orlando -- Knock 3 Times on the Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
Helen Reddy -- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore -- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To
Willie Nelson -- On the Commode Again
James Brown - Papas Got a Brand New Colostomy Bag
The Supremes - Falling In and Out of Bed
Shangri-las - Walkers in the Sand

Leslie Gore - It's My Potty (and I'll Try If I Want To)
David Houston - Almost Constipated
Dave Clark 5 - Catscan Us If You Can
Bob Dylan - Like A Kidney Stone
Supremes - Nothing But Heartburn

Lenny Welch - Since I Fell On You
Amboy Dukes - Gerney To the Center of the Ward
O.C. Smith- Little Green Tablets
The Tokens - The Loins Seep Tonight
Ray Charles - Take These IVs From My Arm

Tommy James - Moaning, Moaning
Glen Campbell - By The Time I Get To Pee
Hermans Hermits - There's a Kind of Mush (All Over My Shirt)
BJ Thomas - Slipped on a Peeling
Neil Sedaka - Breaking Up Pills Is Hard To Do

Lonnie Donegan - Do Your Dentures Lose Their Flavor In the Cup Overnight?
Rolf Harris - Tie Me Johnnie Strings Down Sport
Bing Crosby - (I'm Dreaming of a) Dry Mattress
Del Shannon - What Kind of Stool (Is in the Bed Pan?)
Freddie Cannon - Where the Traction Is

For your pleasure and a chance to sing along, here is one more with the complete lyrics:

Corn In My Stool
(To the tune of Born To Be Wild by Steppenwolf)

Get your bowels a movin'
Head on out to the bathroom,
Lookin' for some relief
And whatever comes out soon.
Yeah, darlin' go make it happen
Take the tissue in a love embrace
Fire all your guns at once
And explode all over the place.
It's like smoke and lightning
Heavy fartin' thunder
Tryin' to stay upwind
From that feelin' down under.
Yeah, darlin' go make it happen
Take the tissue in a love embrace
Fire all your guns at once
And explode all over the place.
Like prune juice was mild
Yes, there's corn, corn in my stool
We can crap so high
And wish we could die.
Corn in my stool
Corn in my stool.

This post is with the sincerest apologies to ASCAP and anyone who wasted their time reading this post. (Schlep Schlidin' Away)



Mike Golch said...

thank you for the belly laugh!

Hale McKay said...


You're welcome. It's my goal.

Badabing said...

Got me peeing in my bedpan, Hale.

Hale McKay said...


'Tis better than on the sheets.