Calling All Smurfs

How did we survive before cell phones?

Today I left the house for work but forgot my cell phone! While I didn't mind not receiving any calls, I did reach for the missing phone several times to place some calls.
....I won't say I was frantic, but the blasted thing has become such an integral part of me and of my typical daily routines. To say the least, as the day went on, I found myself feeling stressed and distracted.

I was one the last holdouts to finally get a cell phone. I never felt they were practical. I never needed one before. Why I should I suddenly become dependent on one? Besides, I was reachable. I had a pager.

When my day's work was finally done, it somehow felt much longer than only eight hours. On the way home, there was an involuntary reflex on my part to reach for the phone. I needed to call home to see if I should pick up some milk or a loaf of bread. Alas, no phone.
....I had just stepped through the door when I was greeted by my wife, "Didn't you get the milk and bread?"

Thus, I had to act out the scenario that answers the question of the opening line. I had to go back out to get milk and a loaf of bread.

Inasmuch, the real question isn't how did we survive before cell phones, but rather, how can we survive now without them ?

If you'll excuse me, I have 10 voice mail messages I have to check.

What the Smurf?

Remember those little blue characters that lived in those mushroom houses? If you're in your thirties, you must have watched The Smurfs cartoons on Saturday mornings.
....Did you ever wonder ..."Hmm, all those males and only one female?" Smurfette could have named her price and been one rich and successful girl if she so chose.
....I wanted to get the skinny on Ms Smurfette. What was the attraction anyway? After all she would never to be able to get a job at Hooters, if you get my drift. I'll bet she wasn't even a real blonde!
....I don't know if they are still on television or not, but I thought I'd look up one those little guys. I thought a little tete-a-tete might clear up a few things. Did he ever smurf her? Did she give good smurf?

Well, I finally found one of the little fellows! Where else, but at Hooters. Unfortunately he was too busy to chat. So, I thought I'd belly up to the bar, er bra.
....Wouldn't you know it? That selfish little blue bastard wouldn't share!
....I said, "There's plenty to go around."
....He came up for air and replied, "I'm saving it for a friend. He'll be here soon. Go find your own!"
....Well, suffice it to say, I've been thrown out of worse places!

As I walked away, I did have an interesting thought. If the Smurfs are running around crawling into women's bodices, you don't suppose Smurfette is out there somewhere crawling up mens' pants legs?
....Just wondering.

No.874

Cellular Breakdown

Today while I was slumming catching up on my Blogroll visitations, Monty asked a burning personal question of her readers: "Have you ever pretended to be talking on your cell phone just to avoid to talk to someone, only to have it ring?" She added, "Neither have I." [sic]

A few of the comments left on her post included some who fessed up to this deed. I was about to comment that I was guilty of this faux pas, but then I decided that my incident was a 'little' different. It was different enough to merit a posting of its own. (Thanks Monty, I didn't know what to post tonight.)

Having a cell phone ring while you are pretending to be talking to someone is most certainly an embarrassing moment. You've heard of melt-downs, i.e., The China Syndrome, but I experienced a major breakdown on the 'cellular level' one day.

I was cornered by a young lady that I've known for several years
- (details withheld to protect the guilty) - who can talk at length about any subject as long as it includes herself in her diatribes. If talking was a virtue, this lass is already eligible for Sainthood.

I was between clients and had a schedule to keep, and there was no way that I wanted to be standing there listening and helpless to get a word in edgewise. Excusing myself, I began to walk away, only to have her fall into step beside me, her tongue still wagging like the 'early warning system' of a rattlesnake.

Ah, sweet salvation! My cell phone began ringing! (My ringtone is the very distinctive theme to "Star Trek: Generations.") I worked out an immediate but desperate plan of escape. I would not answer the phone! I would let it ring three times, and while pulling it out the holster I would shut the phone off in the same movement. Then I would 'answer it' and make up some emergency from the 'caller.' It was perfect. It was flawless!

The phone stopped after only two rings but I proceeded as planned. My performance would have been worthy of an Oscar nomination, so convincing was my 'conversation' with the party on the other end. (I was already formulating my acceptance speech at that moment.)

Yes, it "would" have been worthy - had I pulled out my cell phone!

She suddenly lashed out at me, "Asshole! Always the comedian. Well, you're not funny!" With that she turned and walked away in a huff. (I haven't seen or heard from her in six months since that day.)

Now I suppose you want to know what I was talking into, if not my cell phone, right? Wasn't it embarrassing enough without putting it on screen for the world to read? Okay! Okay, I'll tell you.

That particular day I was wearing two holsters, both approximately the same size and weight on my belt. One was the cell phone, similar to the one pictured above. The other contained my handy Tool Mate. It is one of those multiple-tool gadgets with a small hammer, pliers, several screw drivers, a mini-flashlight, a level, a tape measure, etc.

The Tool Mate is a very handy gadget. You can use it for just about anything - except taking phone calls!

(Hmm, if I'd had one of these that day...)

No.740