Weekly Reader

- n. (past tense of Siturday, variant of 'Sitter Day;) Seventh day of a typical week; sometimes considered start of a weekend. From The Pointmeister's Dictionary of Fractured Entymology - literally "your day that you sat on your ass."

While on most calendars Saturday is placed at the end of a week, many consider the day following, Sunday to be the seventh day. This is due to the differing interpretations of passages found in the Holy Bible.
....After putting in six days of creation, God rested on the seventh day. He sat, hence Saturday! It appears that those who translated the scriptures were card carrying Union members. Thus, citing union bylaws from time immemorial, they determined that God would have been laboring at a pay rate of time and a half had He been on the clock on a Saturday.
....Knowing that no Outfit would have been willing to pay double time, there would have been a normal work stoppage on Sunday. If He rested on the seventh day, Saturday and also took off Sunday, He must have in actuality put in only five days on the project, and yet took home a check for six days!
....Many believe this is the model for many of the labor practices still in use today. This would explain such arrangements as police details, tee times for physicians, and the no-show jobs of politicians. Eons upon eons later, His massive public-works creation hints at shoddy workmanship and cost over runs.

If the Omnipotent Construction Company had undertaken such a project in the present, such pestilences as mosquitoes, roaches and the entire Bush family would have been would have been disallowed on the project. One must suspect that this was the first major job He had ever held. There probably were no instruction manuals in the beginning.

That brings us to Sonday, now called Sunday. The name of the day serves to prove that in the beginning, there was nepotism. While He was out overseeing the project He left things in the hands of His Son. From the scriptures, the translators decided that Sunday would be deemed a day of cleanliness. From then on all mothers would remind their husbands and children "it's a bath day" whether they needed it or not. To this day, we call it the Sabbath.

The next day, it was time to return to work. Because of the rest on Saturday, and the bath on Sunday, being back on the job was found to be rather boring. It was a mundane day. Monday was readily coined as a name for the day. It was on such days that He invented walking on water.

Though the scholars disagree on the origin of 'Tuesday,' it has been suggested that it would have been the day that He would take a walk through the tall grasses of the plains. The walk would have been routine so that he could dry his feet and toes after walking on the oceans the day before. Some nerd of a translator may have forgotten to close a letter "O" while transcribing from the ancient scrolls and it was mistaken as a "U" by subsequent scribes. Only from an error do we not call it Toesday.

Even The Almighty had to eat sometime. Our creator, it seems was very fond of Tex-Mex. After downing generous amounts of burritos, tacos and enchiladas He often felt a little distressed. It was on this day that the solar winds and the breezes upon earth were invented. In time, Windy Days became Windsday until the British misspelled it to its present form of Wednesday.

Of course it would only be natural that after eating spicy hot foods that One would need a drink to wash the stuff down. Thus on Thirst Day He invented wine. He had been wondering what to do with that particular little fruit. Through the centuries the peoples of the earth decided that they liked the "fruit of the vine" so much that they would drink it any day of the week, not just on Thursday.

It wasn't long before he gave them fire to help them make their wines. The people were smarter than he realized, and soon found that with fire they also cook meats. It wasn't long after that they were eating fish and chips and fried chicken, both of which went well with the wine. Friday became a tradition still honored and celebrated today.

With a week passed, we return to Saturday. We need that day to recover from the hard week of the mundane, sore toes, strong winds, the fine wines and the fried foods. It's the day you can say that you "sat on your ass" and relaxed.

The calendar would be modified over the years until it is in the form we use today. Because of events through many milleniae, whether joyous or tragic, special days and holidays were added.

Unfortunately, one of those days was Election Day. Every now and then certain elected officials try to place themselves in a postion that is above us and think they are appointed by and answer to a higher power.

No.736

Fitness Protection Program

I think I've been in the Fitness Protection Program far too long. Man, am I ever out of shape! The coffee mug arm curls just aren't getting it done. I'm going to have to reconsider that brisk morning walk from the back porch to my truck. I have a regular regimen of Glad bag hauling, but what good is all that weight lifting doing me?

Oh, I've even tried jogging too. Every morning, I spend at least a half an hour trying to remember my schedule for the day. Sometimes I even increase the reps by trying to recall the previous day. It doesn't even work up a sweat.

Have you ever noticed the similarity between "exercise" and "exorcise?" They have the same amount of letters. They sound the same. Oddly, their definitions are practically the same. One is simply the product of the other. It's true!

Remember that scene from The Exorcist when the priest watched as Linda Blair's head was spinning around on her neck? There was no act of exorcism happening. It was exercism! You see, the priest was in reality her personal trainer. He was coaching her as she performed a head and neck exercise. Several reps of that routine exorcises stiff and sore muscles.


Today I had a new client, an elderly 73-year-old woman, on my schedule. Much to my chagrin, she lived on the third floor of an apartment building with no elevator. (As this is only the year 2006, there was no teleportation system either.) This meant that I had to traverse three flights of stairs. A workout empty-handed to be sure, but lugging a vacuum cleaner, a mop, and a bucket of cleaning supplies, it proved to be a daunting climb.

I have always been a firm believer of moderation. So I stopped at each half flight landing to preserve my energy. When I arrived at her door, I was sweating and panting. No wonder, I had just scaled the Matterhorn!

Creation Duel

....In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
....And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good. And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."
....And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth."
....And so God created Man in his own image; male and female did He create.
....And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
....And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
....And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
....And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?" And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.
....And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.
....And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
....And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
....And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
....And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
....And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
....And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.
....And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
....And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
....And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.
....And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. ....And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
....And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.
....Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.
....And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another ten pounds.
....And God created the life-giving tofu.
....And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"
....And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did.
....And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor.

So it came to pass that we have reached the state of physical fitness and happiness in which we find ourselves today. You might say it is of Biblical proportions that we have survived at all.

As I hang my cap on the handle of the exercise/exorcise bike and neatly drape my jacket on the handles of the tread mill, I can see that I really should try to get myself in shape. An over-sized mug of coffee is good for a dozen arm curls with the left hand and six glazed donuts should work for the right side.

No.732