From The Heart

Check out the Valentine I received from our dog.

....(I think she got the neighbor's dog Chester to write the card. Her name is Ginger and she can spell better than this.)

....I can only surmise the flea collar I gave her was a poor choice of gifts.

She seems to get along with the dog next door, at least through the fence that separates them. I'll bet she would have rather been allowed to go over the next yard and pay him a visit than to have been given a flea collar.
....Do you suppose it true what they say? The scent is always better on the other side of the fence ?
Valentine's Day is for lovers, or so Hallmark and candy makers would have us believe. Does that mean we should fight and be indifferent to one another the rest of the year?
....Of course not. The day is just another contrived high-water mark on the corporate measuring stick used to impress share holders. We are fortunate, are we not, that they haven't attempted to unveil the Twelve Days of Valentines on unsuspecting lovers?

This post is going to go (Or is it already there?) where few other blogs will venture. This Valentine's Day post is dedicated not to bipedal lovers, but to the animals. Animals have rights and needs too!

What say you and I get together and monkey around? I thought this animated picture of an intimate moment between two chimps was cute enough to post here and at the top of my sidebar. (It also gives me an opportunity to slip in a subtle innuendo.)
~~Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink. Know what I mean, know what I mean ?~~

Don't let the name of the site fool you, but I found the following four cartoons at Perry Bible Fellowship. There are some very talented cartoonists contributing to a huge archive of cartoons, many dedicated to the animal world.


As the above cartoons expressed, you have to agree that animals do in fact have their wants and needs. Are they really so different than you and I?

So don't make the same mistake as me and buy the dog a flea collar as a Valentine's gift. I should have bought her that new dog toy that just hit the store shelves.
What dog wouldn't want to break up the monotony of being home alone all day with an exciting game of Cat Bowling ? (I wasn't about to tell her that the flea collar only set me back $3.95.)

Cat owners take heart. There are practical gifts for the felines too.
Why not take your purring, all-day sleeping, fur ball coughing pussy cat to one of those new specialty franchises, like Dunkin' Dognuts ?
....It'll be your cats' wildest dreams come true! (Rover, on the other hand however, might not be impressed.)

Who knows, maybe if your pet really appreciates your wonderful Valentine's Day gifts they just might reciprocate.
....Just what gifts could cats and dogs give their owners you might ask? Who knows, but what's stopping your poodle or Labrador from dropping a few dollars on their masters? Maybe your Persian or tabby will dip into the tuna fund and spring for a gift to show their appreciation.
Those cats and dogs who live together and compete for their owners' affections could pool their moneys to give a most memorable gift. What pet owners, especially those of baby-boomer and older ages, would not be absolutely thrilled with an all-expenses paid trip to the romantic Viagra Falls ?

So don't forget your pets on Valentine's Day. If Hallmark and all those candy companies can profit on the 14th, why shouldn't Ralston Purina or Iams? You wouldn't want to see a pet bunny all forlorn, would you?
You'll never know when the dog might let you use the bed with that certain special person.

I'm off to the pet store. I have to exchange a flea collar for her favorite treat, doggie cookies shaped like mailmen! While I'm at it, I'd better pick up something for the cats too.
....Two can play at their game. I'll treat them right, because tomorrow is payback -my birthday!
....The same applies to Blogging, doesn't it? I had better get to reading some if I want them to read my posts.

Have a wonderful lover's holiday everyone. May you and yours find only love on this special day from your loved ones and from your pets.

No.895

Inflationary Language

Once upon a time there lived in sunny California a young man named Bob. He was a second lieutenant in the U.S. Air Forces. Bob had been fond of Anna, his half sister ever since she saw the light of day for the first time. And they were both proud of the fact that one of his forefathers had been among the creators of the U.S. Constitution. They were dining on the terrace. "Anna," he said as he took a bite of marinated herring, "You look wonderful tonight. You've never looked that lovely before."
....Anna really looked wonderful in spite of the illness from which she had not quite recuperated.
...."Yes," repeated Bob, "You do look wonderful tonight, but you have two of the saddest eyes I have ever seen.
....The table was tastefully decorated with Anna's favorite flowers, tulips.
....They were now talking about Anna's husband from whom she was separated while on the radio the Irish tenor sang Tea for Two. It was midnight. The clock in the distance struck twelve. And suddenly there in the moonlight stood her husband, Don Juan, obviously intoxicated. "Anna," he brawled, "forgive me! I'm only young once! And you are my one and only!"
....Bob jumped to his feet. "Get out of here, you twofaced doublecrosser!"
....Anna warned, "Watch out, Bob, he's an officer!"
...."Yes, he is one, but I'm one too!"
....Any one for tennis? Ahahaaha!
...."All right," said Don Juan as he wiped his forehead.
....He then left, and when he was half way through the revolving door, he said, "I'll go back to Tennessee and be single again."
...."Farewell, Anna! Toodeloo; Toodeloo!"
____________________________________________

I'm sure there are some puzzled faces out there. What appears to be a poorly written and uninteresting piece of sophomoric prose, is actually the base story for a classic comedy bit.
....Every word that represents a number or contains the sound of a number is increased to the next numerical value.
....Now try reading it again (below) once it has been "inflationized" by the late great Victor Borge. (You may find it less confusing to scroll back and forth between the two versions.)

Twice upon a time there lived in sunny Califivenia a young man named Bob. He was a third lieutelevenant in the U.S. Air Fiveces. Bob had been fond of Anna, his one and a half sister ever since she saw the light of day five the second time. And they were both proud of the fact that two of his fivefathers had been among the creninetors of the U.S. Constithreetion. They were dining on the terrace. "Anna," he said as he threek a bite of marinnined herring, "You look twoderful threenight. You've never looked that lovely befive."
....Anna really looked twoderful in spite of the illness from which she had not quite recupernined.
...."Yes," repeated Bob, "You do look twoderful threenight, but you have three of the saddest eyes I have ever seen.
....The table was tastefully decornined with Anna's favorite flowers, threelips.
....They were now talking about Anna's husband from whom she was separnined while on the radio the Irish elevenor sang Tea five Three. It was midnight. The clock in the distance struck thirteen. And suddenly there in the moonlight stood her husband, Don Two, obviously intoxicnined. "Anna," he brawled, "fivegive me! I'm only young twice! And you are my two and only!"
....Bob jumped to his feet. "Get out of here, you threefaced triplecrosser!"
....Anna warned, "Watch out, Bob, he's an officer!"
...."Yes, he is two, but I'm two three!"
....Any two five elevennis? Ahahaaha!
...."All right," said Don Two as he wiped his fivehead."
....He then left, and when he was one and a half way through the revolving door, he said, "I'll go back to Elevennessee and be double again."
...."Farewell, Anna! Threedeloo; Threedeloo!"
____________________________________________

In Borge's Inflationary Language, he incremented numbers embedded in words, whether they are visible or not ("inflate" becomes "inflnine", "before" becomes "befive", "Tea For Two" becomes "Tea Five Three", etc).
....The official Victor Borge tribute site provides a link to the Website Inflater where you can "inflate" almost any website or text.
....I "inflated" the the opening line of Lincoln's Gettysburg Address and this was the result:

Five score and eight years ago our fivefathers brought fiveth upon this conelevenent a new nation conceived and dedicnined to the propsition that all men are crenined equal.

For laughs, I enterd my URL and "inflated" my webpage with some interesting results. Even the date and time were increased, as well as the number of comments.

....Another of his creative routines was "Phonetic Punctuation," in which he recites a story, with full punctuation (comma, period, exclamation point, question mark, etc.) as onomatopoetic sounds. You can hear an audio clip of Borge explaining his Phonetic Punctuation System here.

Borge used physical and visual elements in his live and televised performances. He would play a strange-sounding piano tune from sheet music, looking increasingly confused; turning the sheet upside down, he would then play the actual tune, flashing a joyful smile of accomplishment to the audience. (He had, at first, been literally playing the actual tune upside down.) When his energetic playing of another song would cause him to fall off the piano bench, he would open the seat lid, take out the two ends of an automotive seat-belt, and buckle himself onto the bench, for 'safety.'

As many of his concerts and appearances were often ad libbed, one venue printed a program for the audience listing the 19 parts of his performance as:

1. Frankly 2. We 3. Don't 4. Know 5. What 6. Mr. Borge 7. Will 8. Do 9. But 10. We're 11. Sure 12. He'll 13. Keep 14. Us 15. Posted 16. From 17. Time 18. To 19. Time

A humorist, entertainer, and world-class pianist, Borge was affectionately known as " Clown Prince of Denmark " and "the Great Dane. "
....Born Borge Rosenbaum in Copenhagen, Denmark, he fled to the U.S. during the German occupation of Europe during WWII.

Victor Borge - 1/3/1909 - 12/23/2000

No.894

Bones of Contention

The missing links? -(Pointmeister Press Intl) - Professor Jerry Mander, conducting an archaeological dig in a remote area of the Australian outback, has announced the discovery of what appears to be an advanced species of prehistoric humans.
....The skeletal remains were unearthed near the strange rock formation, Ayer's Rock, which is known as Uluru by the native Aborigines. The professor says that this amazing discovery will have anthropologists worldwide rethinking their long-standing theories on the origins of man.
....Professors Peter Holtie and Warren Wazza , experts in Australian history and cultural, have confirmed Professor Jerry Mander's findings.
....His team has painstakingly assembled the fossilized bones, and a forensic artist has created drawings to reveal what the beings looked like while alive. The Professor has released a sampling of the drawings, each labeled with the Latin name he has given them.

Animatus Flintstonus*

- From pieces of cloth and the remnants of rudimentary tools, it has been determined this species of early man was subservient. Artifacts near the body reveal that the species played what appears to have been a form of bowling. From drawings at the site, it appears that they domesticated small dinosaurs. The structure of their feet suggests they could even walk on their toes. Mander has affectionately named the specimen "Fred."

Animatus Blockheadium*

- It is believed that this hominid, sub-species Peanutium, was probably an adolescent. The artifacts found with him that appear to be a baseball, bat and glove, will debunk the notion that Abner Doubleday invented America's pass time. It would seem that "Charlie," as Mander refers to him, may have also discovered electricity. That startling theory is based upon the petrified remnants of a crude kite interred with him..

Animatus Dexterium*

-This specimen appears to have been of superior intelligence. It is conjectured that this individual was probably the first to discover fire, fashion the first practical tools, invent the wheel, and design video games. Based on what appears to be darkened glasses, this species may have had light-sensitive eyes.

Animatus Boopus Sexium*

-This was probably the alpha-female of her clan. The cranial capacity suggests she was more intelligent than Animatus Flintsonus. Based upon the number of cave paintings depicting her likeness, she was probably the stone-age version of a pinup model. The shapely body is unlike any previously discovered fossil remains of prehistoric women. This female would probably be considered pleasing to Homo Erectus and other species of modern man.

Animatus Pokemonius*

-This cat-like creature was probably a domesticated animal. It is presumed that it helped ancient man by ridding his caves and habitats of rodents and other vermin. Its large eyes and ears are indicative of it being a successful carnivore and fearsome hunter of its prey.

Animatus Infantus-Hueyus*

-Perhaps the most perplexing of the fossilized remains were those of what appeared to be a six-foot species of a duck-like creature which walked and stood upright. It is not clear whether this animal lived amicably among the hominids or if it was hunted as a food source. Perhaps the biggest mystery about the animal was the discovery next to its burial site of an artifact resembling a giant safety pin.

Animatus Wal-Martianus*

-No specimen found at the dig has caused as much of a stir as this being. It seems to verify the writings of Erik von Daniken's "The Chariots of the Gods," in which he wrote of alien visitations to prehistoric earth. "The skeletal remains are clearly not of this earth," claims Mander.

Animatus Whatsupdocus**

-The artist's rendering of this living creature was not available, but the Professor claims this creature was probably a giant rabbit-like creature. Intelligent, it surely used its wiles to survive the hunting instincts of early man, including Animatus Elmer Fuddicus (not pictured). This creature's fur would have been prized by Animatus Boopus Sexium. As in the modern world, its feet would have been used as lucky talismans.


Archaeologists all over the world are holding their collective breaths awaiting for further news to come from this excavation site in one of the most remote parts of Australia. They may have to face the fact that their long-held beliefs that man rose from a species of ape-like creatures in Africa, has been incorrect.
....It appears that the source of intelligent life on this planet was in fact spawned in the land down under, Australia. Yes folks, we're all from OZ!

*The cartoon skeletal images above and more can be found here.

**The skeletal sculpture above and more by Hyungkoo Lee can be found here. ( Click on the word "ANIMATUS.")

No.893

E-mail Nuggets

One day while cleaning up my e-mail inbox, I found a few ...umm ... interesting items:

Make Up $60

Tattoo $500

Boob Job $10000



Forgetting To Tuck Your Nuts In ...

Priceless!

Click on image for larger view.

(Thanks, Earl.)

Recent airline report: There has been a significant decline in the use of airbags since the carriers stopped serving meals on flights.

What do you call an Evangelical church leader who uses speed? - A Crystal Methodist

This is the hostess for an Italian afternoon T.V. talk show...
























And this is the hostess for an American afternoon
T.V. talk show...

To enroll in your nearest language school to learn Italian, call:
1-800-555-CIAO

(Thanks, Jack !)

No.892

The Theory of Relative Relationships

Why did Adam and Eve have a perfect marriage? He didn't have to hear about all the men she could've married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.


Love, Lust & Marriage

Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath

Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals . . . to go

Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping the kids' candy off of the carpet

Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: What's sex?

Love: A night out at the symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice

Love: French perfume
Lust: Brut aftershave
Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ."

Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teenaged daughter has borrowed all of your jackets

Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .

Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AOL" room
Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" room
Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" room

Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat

Making A Good Impression

Anxious to make a good impression on his first date, a young man picked up a nice bouquet of flowers.
....When the young woman greeted him at the door she exclaimed, "Flowers! For me? Oh, you are the most thoughtful, sweet, romantic, and sexy date! You must be rewarded!"
....To the young man's surprise, she removed all of her clothing, lay down on the sofa and provocatively spread her legs and said, "This for the bouquet!"
...."Really?" he said. "Are you sure a vase wouldn't be more appropriate?"

Dysfunction

"What do you for Erectile Dysfunction?" a man asked his friend.
...."Cialis," was the friend's reply.
...."Are those pills easy to swallow?" the first man asked.
...."Oh, you must have misunderstood me," the friend said. "I sneak away from my wife and go see Alice.

Taking the Bait

A man woke up one morning to find his wife in a sheer skimpy negligee, standing by the bed with a velvet rope in her hand.
....She purred at him, "Tie me up and you can do anything you like."
....So he did. Then he went fishing.

The Price Is Right

A redneck came to the big city to visit some friends. They went to an Applebee's restaurant for dinner. One of the items on the menu caught his eye: lobster tail and beer $40.
...."Damn," he said. "My three favorite things! And $40 is such a reasonable price!"

One Lump or Two?

At the breakfast table as she poured coffee in their cups a woman grumbled to her husband, "Our new neighbor told me her husband has sex wih her everyday. Why can't you do that?"
....Without missing a beat, he answered, "Honey, I hardly know the woman."

The Sounds of Love

One night, while a young couple was parked in a popular lover's lane, the girl sighed romantically, "It's so lovely out here tonight - just listen to the crickets."
...."Those aren't crickets," her date replied. "They're zippers."

Food For Thought

Cabbage always has a heart;
Green beans string along.
You're such a cute tomato,
Will you peas to me belong?
You're the apple of my eye,
You know how much I care;
So lettuce get together,
We'd make a perfect pear.
Something's sure to turnip
To prove you can't be beet;
So, if you carrot all for me
Let's let our tulips meet.
Don't squash my hopes and dreams,
Bee my honey, dear;
Or tears will fill potato's eyes,
While sweet corn lends an ear.
I'll cauliflower shop and say,
Your dreams are parsley mine.
I'll work and share my celery,
So be my valentine.

No.891

Hitchhiking Helicopters

Flipping off! Giving the bird! Hitchhiking a helicopter! Declaring an individual as #1 in your book!
Protected by the 1st Amendment?

The ACLU (Amalgamated Collection of Lunatics and Undesirables ) thinks so.

Last April, David Hackbart,32, was trying to parallel park when another car pulled up behind him blocking his path. He flipped the driver off and then heard someone behind him say, "Don't flip him off!" He turned his middle finger to that person too, not realizing it was a police officer. Sgt. Brian Elledge promptly cited him for disorderly conduct.
....Witold Walczak, legal mouth for the ACLU of Pennsylvania, has filed suit in Hackbart's behalf stating, "Using profanity under the First Amendment is not, and cannot be, a crime."
....Click on the link from the The Pittsburgh Gazette Post for the complete story.

Somehow, I'm not quite sure this is what our Founding Fathers had in mind when the Amendments were added. Granted, I wasn't there, but do you suppose George Washington flipped off Thomas Jefferson when the subject of the President's powers to wage was was tabled? (Then again, isn't that what Dubya did to the American people?)
....As she was taking the first bite out of that apple, I wonder if Eve raised her arm and extended her middle finger heavenward? Did Lot's wife make the same gesture to her husband when she turned around to watch the fireworks? Did Goliath flip off that little shrimp with the sling? As the temple was falling to rubble around him, I can see Samson giving Delilah the double bird!

People, the wrong message is being sent here. This isn't about justice or the freedom of speech. If it's acceptable for someone to be flipping off people in public everytime things don't go his or her way, where does it all end? Will an underachieving student be within his rights to flash the middle finger at his teacher who simply asked for a homework assignment?

Isn't it strange, that you can be discussing a serious matter and yet be reminded of a joke?

A General in the U.S. Calvary is being escorted to an Indian village to powwow with the Chief of the tribe with terms of a peace treaty. He is accompanied by an Indian scout. They ride into the village and await on horseback as the Chief and elder tribesmen emerge from a tepee.
....He turns to the scout and says, "They are familiar with the terms of the treaty?"
...."Yes, they bring answer now."
....To the General's dismay the Chief raises his hand and extends his middle finger in his direction. In a deliberate manner the chief then tilts his hand and the finger sideways.
...."Okay, I know what a hand and middle finger raised upward means," says the General to the scout, "But what does he mean when he turned his hand sideways?"
....The scout grinned and replied, "It mean and the horse you rode in on."

No.890

Love Is All Around

Some people possess the ability to transform themselves into something else. Of course, these transformations are often dictated by the events on the calendar.
....Haven't you ever noticed how everyone magically becomes "Irish" on St. Patrick's Day? Not long afterward, those leprechauns morph into Easter bunnies. Then before you know it, they are all red-white-and-blue Uncle Sams! The ultimate changes occur on Halloween as they become witches and hobgoblins. Later still, everyone becomes turkeys! Then they are all in jolly moods playing Santa Claus.
....Where do they go from there? Why, they grow wings and go hunting with a bow and arrow! They have become Cupid ! Yes, on St. Valentine's Day everyone's a lover.

LOVE IS ALL AROUND
-by the Troggs
I feel it in my fingers
I feel it in my toes
Love is all around me
And so the feeling grows

It’s written on the wind
It’s everywhere I go,
So if you really love me
Come on and let it show

You know I love you
I always will
My mind’s made up
By the way that I feel

There’s no beginning
There’ll be no end
‘Cause on my love
You can depend

I see your face before me
As I lay on my bed
I kinda get to thinking
Of all the things you said,

You gave your promise to me
And I gave mine to you
I need someone beside me
In everything I do,

You know I love you
I always will
My mind’s made up
By the way that I feel

There’s no beginning
There’ll be no end
‘Cause on my love
You can depend

Oh, it’s written in the wind
And everywhere I go
So if you really love me
Come on and let it show

Come on and let it show...


I Had A Dream

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
...."You'll know tonight." he said.
....That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams".

Sending Cards

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
....His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
...."But why?" asks the man.
...."I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.


No.889

Presidential Hopeful

For President!

Why not? Everyone else is running!

Who says a Blogger can't run the country? Could I do any worse than the present one? Think of the staff I could put together from my Blogroll alone.
....Why not? I'll throw my baseball cap in the ring! Besides, I know how to pronounce nuclear.

If a peanut farmer can become President, why not I ? (I've lusted before !) If a bad actor can become President, then why not I ? (I've acted up on a few occasions.) If a man who couldn't walk without tripping on a blade of grass can become President, why not I ? ( I've tripped the light fantastic. ) If the son of a former President can become President, why not I? ( My dad was once President - of The Weed-Eaters Association. )

To be sure, becoming President would be a lateral move, but the job pays better than my current position. I could actually use the money.
I would not use the September 11 attack on our country as a free pass to do what I please while ignoring New Orleans and other disaster areas in our own backyard.
....I have no pocket-enhancing interests in the oil in the Middle East. I do not have daughters who like to run naked in the hallways of hotels. I would never lay siege to a country and put our soldiers in harm's way just to save face for my daddy, especially when every one who is smarter than me tells I cannot win.
....I would run a grass roots campaign. I would really enjoying kissing all the babes, like Monty, Jules, Miss Cellania, Cheri, Serena Joy, and ... er ... What's that? Excuse me, my wife, who is my acting campaign manager just informed me that I'm suppose to kiss babies, not babes! ( Why is there always someone wanting to take the fun out of everything ? ) Psst ... All of you gals on my blogroll, even those not mentioned - the offer stands! ( The Bush family may have raised a fool, but not mine ! )

Eventually, some news-type is going to ask me on what platform am I going to run my campaign. For starters, I would institute an immediate change in the communications fields, especially those powerful phone companies. If I were elected President of the United States, the following message is what you hear ever time you use the phone:

"GOOD MORNING, WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA ."
"Press '1' if you speak English."
"Press '2' to disconnect until you can"

Overnight, a multitude of problems would be solved, because this plan would have a trickle down effect. My motto for this bold plan would be: "English, no speaky? New home you seeky!"

Won't you jump on the band wagon and vote: Pointmeister For President ?

No.888

Not So Super Ads

One of the attractions of the Super Bowl is the annual siege of commercials. Mucho big bucks are shelled out for these prized thirty and sixty second time slots to be aired during the NFL's showcase championship game.
....While there are many ads run during the game, there are many more that were submitted but rejected due to their controversial nature. Following is but a few of the rejected commercials.

Peta caused a stir over the proposed Self-Cleaning Cat Box. This practical device could be a boon to many cat owners. The self-righteous animal activist group has cried foul that the there is considerable risk to the safety of the cat.
....As for me, where can I get one of these?

The manufacturer of Viagra has unveiled perhaps its most innovative drug to date. Laboratory scientists claim that the product significantly enhances a candidate's drive. A spokesman for the Democratic Party said that the use of the wonder drug should bring about a notable rise in the visibility of his constituents.

The Republican Party is crying foul, claiming that use of the product would be tantamount to actually rigging an election. The Bush administration claims that the Democrats are taking unfair advantage of their recent gains in political power.

Political pundits say that they see no need for such a product at this time. They claim that the Republican Party's recent propensity for self-destruction negates any need for such a product. Conservatives and Liberals seem to be divided on the subject.
...Many feel that if there were a ban placed on the product, it would simply be re-manufactured and resurface as an enhancement product aimed at the Republicans for the 2012 elections.

Victoria's Secret has announced the latest in their line of edible products. While edible underwear has long been a popular staple of the company, the newly designed bras, panties and negligees take the concept to a higher gastronomical level.

Knowing full well that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, Victoria's Secret has upped the ante. A latent aroma has been embedded within the fibers of the product by a top-secret process. When mildly heated, one of several choices of smells will be acivated rendering the man helpless to resist.

Initially, the available aromas will include steak and potatoes, lasagna, beef stew and chili. Soon to be released, other products will feature such aromas of comfort foods like macaroni and cheese, meat loaf, corned beef & cabbage, fried chicken, pork rinds and nachos. A spokesperson for the company said they are currently developing these lacy products with the aromas of several different dessert flavors.
....When asked, the spokesperson smiled and said, "Yes, the products will indeed offer a line of fish enhanced products."

The Fox network wanted to use the Super Bowl exposure to promote its new adult version of the diaper set kids show, The Teletubbies.

One official was quoted as saying, "We want to once and for all, dispel the negative discussions of the sexuality of the cute little characters."

He added, "We want the viewers to think of the series as a sort of "Fritz the Cat Meets the Desperate Houswives." He went on to say that the questions about the curious shapes atop their heads will be revealed in the programs debut.
....The televised demonstrations of those shapes will shock some viewers, but others with less inhibitions will be amazed at their many uses.

In other network news, the producers of The View have announced that they are in negotions with Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump to star in a new sit-com. The program has the working title You're Divorced!

The premise of the program will be centered around the lives of a married couple who are struggling entertainers. Husband Hugh G. Rection and wife Lucy Rection will find themselves in humorous battles as they try to juggle their respective floundering careers.
....From the script of the proposed pilot, the couple discover that each are having an extramarital affair - with the same woman!

There you have them, the best of the worst of those ads that never made it your living room as a Super Bowl commercial. Can you say, "Whew?"

No.887

Super Thoughts

Since I had no particular wish for either team to win Super Bowl XLI, this year I decided to watch the game with a pen and a legal pad. What follows will be a mixed bag of rambling and comments, written down as the game played out and noting, of course the airing of the Super Sunday commercials.
....If you aren't interested in the game, ignore the lines in the regular font. The lines in italics are my rambling thoughts. Those in blue are notes about some of the commercials.

(The Piano Man is getting paid for that gig? )

(Has Dan Marino ever made an intelligent statement? )

(Can anyone understand a single word that comes out of Shannon Sterling's mouth? )

Opening kick-off - Hester 92-yd return for a touchdown! Da Bears 7, Indy 0.

(Shut up, Phil Simms! You're almost as bad as Joe Theisman. )

Manning intercepted!

Commercial: Bud Light - "Rock, Paper and Scissors." Two men reach for the last Bud Lite in a bucket of ice. They play rock, paper, scissors to decide who gets it. One man shows "paper," and the other throws a rock and hits him in forehead. Walks away with the beer. (Funny)

Commercial: Doritos - "Air Bag." In a head on collision, bag of Doritos serves as an airbag. (Ho-hum)

Commercial: Best Buy - "Defective Mouse." A rabbit and hamster are using a live mouse trying unsucessfully to get on line. (Cute and funny)

Commercial: Sierra Mist - "Beard comb-over." A man getting let go from a job because of his appearance. He has long beard which is combed over up to his head to hide a bald spot. (Not bad)

Reggie Wayne 53-yd touchdown pass! Fumbled snap. Chi 7, Ind 6.

Commercial: FedEx - "Moon Office." Workers floating in zero-gravity. One wonders how they make shipments. FedEX spaceship lands outside. (Nice sfx - okay)

Commercial: Bud Light - "Auctioneer Wedding." Fast talking auctioneer running wedding ceremony. Two guests waiting for ceremony to end to begin partying and drinking pay off auctioneer. (Funny, pretty good)

Fumbled kick-off return, Colts' ball! Colts' fumble, Bears' ball! Jones 52-yd run to to the Colts' 5-yd line. (Consecutive plays)

Grossman pass to Muhummad, touchdown! Chicago 14, Indianappolis 6.

Commercial: Snickers - "Man Kiss." Man working under hood of car as another man watches. First man has a Snickers candy bar hanging from his mouth. Second man decides to eat the other end of the candy. They end up with lips touching! Yuk! (Funny, good one)

Promo: Survivor: Fiji - Just another reminder how stupid reality TV really is!

Commercial: Bud Light - "English Lesson." Teaching foreigners how to ask for a Bud Light. Ends with teaching them what to say if someone asks for their Bud Light - "No Speak English." (Funny, not bad)

Network Promo: Two idiots watching the Super Bowl rooting for different teams: Oprah and Letterman.

(Would someone please put a gag on Simms! )

Bears fumble, Colts' ball. End of 1st quarter: Bears 14, Colts 6. (A service for those participating in an office 100 Squares Pool.)

Vinatieri 29-yd field goal: Chi 14, Indy 9.

(Surprise! Peyton Manning waited until 2 minutes into the second quarter to start whining! I ask you, has there ever been a dumber-looking hick play in the NFL? )

(Maybe if Simms keeps talking so much, maybe he'll fall asleep like half the viewing audience. Shut up, Simms! )

Touchdown Colts! Indy 16, Chi 14!

Colts fumble, Bears' ball! Bears' Grossman fumbles snap, Colts' ball! (Consecutive plays.)

Vinatieri 36-yd field goal attemp: No good! Wide left. Half time: Colts 16-14 over the Bears.

(Our home made Chili - came out great! Magnifique! I didn't need those nostril hairs anyway!)

(Aunt Jemima singing at half time? No, wait - it's Prince! WTF is he wearing on his head? How appropriate! Singing "Purple Rain" in the pouring rain!)

(I don't know who sounded worse - Billy Joel singing the National Anthem or Prince butchering "Along The Watchtower." Jimi Hendrix was surely rolling over in his grave. What an insult to a truely great talent!)

(Where's Janet Jackson and that Timberfake fella? At least they gave us some skin!)

The Bears kick off to the Colts to start the 2nd half of play.

( Hmmm, almost 7 minutes into the 3rd quarter and Manning is whining again! )

(Shoot Simms! )

Vinatieri 24-yd field goal: Colts 19, Bears 14.

Commercial: Bud Light - "Gorillas Plot." Two gorillas in a zoo plot to steal a case of Bud Light, but just as they are about to execute the plan, a flashbulb from a tourist's camera dazing the one who was supposed to pull off the heist. (Funny, not bad)

Commercial: Taco Bell - "Safari Lions." Two lions watching a group on safari having lunch try to pronounce the name of a Taco Bell product. (Cute, so-so.)

Rhodes: 36-yd run!

Vinatieri FG: Ind 22 - Chi 14.

Commercial: Federline's commercial was as bad as advertised! (I didn't even catch the sponsor.)

Commercial: Bud Light - "Hitchhiker." Young couple see a hitchhiker with an axe. Girl says don't stop. Boy says he's a six-pack of Bud Light. When they ask him the purpose of the axe, the hitcher says, "Bottle opener." Next hitchhiker has a chain saw! (Funny, good parody of the horror/slasher films)

Robby Gould 44-yd field goal: Indy over Chicago 22-17. End of 3rd quarter.

(At the end of three quarters, I have reached the conclusion that this is the worst crop of Super Bowl commercials in quite some time.
....My favorite so far: The Rabbit and hamster trying to get on line with a real mouse. Runner-up? I'd have to say the "Hitchhiker." )

Indianappolis interception of Rex Grossman pass returned for touchdown! Colts 29-17.

Commercial: HP Computers - Cool graphics.

Colts intercept another Grossman pass! (Bears' achilles heel, namely their Quarterback , has been exploited again!)

(Manning is whining again because the coach signaled for a punt. Good grief, man! You're up 29-17! )

Bears four and out, Colts take over on downs with just under 4 minutes remaining in the game.

Two minute warning.

(Groan! If wasn't bad enough that Peyton Manning's face has been plastered all over commercials for the last three years without him ever winning the big game - what's it going to be like when he does win? )

Final score: Indianappolis Colts 29 - Chicago Bears 17!

(Man! I've got a massive Phil Simms headache! I do believe his babbling would have even the Pope swearing! )

(Manning received the Most Valuable Player trophy, and rightfully so! But aarrgh! I dread those up-coming commercials!)

There you have it, my super take on the Super Bowl on this super Sunday. I guess my super rambling thoughts weren't such a super idea for a Blog posting, but it's time for bed. This will have to do.

No.886

Not Playing With a Full Deck

Pick a card. Any card.

Those five words may on the surface appear to be an invitation to participate in a card trick by a wannabe magician, but the words should not be taken verbatim this time of the year.
....Men have a tendency to think of themselves as the last of the red-hot lovers. (This assertion might be subject to considerable debate among their significant others.) Many men, however, have a difficult time expressing themselves when fully dressed.
....Pick a card. Any card?
On Valentine's Day it had better not be just any card! Now an e-card is okay, but only if it is given as a supplement to a real card. She will appreciate a card she can physically hold in her hand. She'll know that you cared enough to sort through a card display to find that one special card.
....To perpetuate that fact, a man should pay close attention to those generic endearments on the card he selects. Darling, Sweetheart, Honey, Snookums, etc., are all acceptable for your wife or girlfriend. Wife should be only used if you are in fact married to that particular recipient.
If a man considers himself to be the King in a relationship, failure to pay attention to the endearments could result in His Royal Majesty sleeping alone holding onto a useless sword!

....Remember how you say something is just as important as what you say!
You don't believe me? The following is from an earlier post in February of 2005.

Have you ever said something and wish you hadn't? Did you mean one thing, but it came out wrong? Of course you have! We all have. There is the classic Catch-22 question that a wife or girl friend will eventually ask a man. All things being equal, there is no safe answer to: "Does this ______ (insert article of clothing) make me look fat?" It is impossible to get a pass on this epitaph hidden in a question, "No dear, it looks good on you." On the surface this answer appears safe enough. That is until you hear her response: "Oh? That means all my other clothes make me look fat?"
~ You are now between the proverbial rock and a hard place. You are faced with tiptoeing through a mine field. You are about to run the gauntlet. You first defense, of course is to answer, "No. None of your clothes make you look fat!" Whew! You escaped unscathed.
~ You forgot to take in to account any possible sniper fire when she counters with "Oh, so I look fat with no clothes on?"
~ The ice is thin and the cracks are spreading in all directions. You have painted yourself into a corner. You are thinking furiously now, the gears are grinding. Brilliantly you come up with perfect defense, indeed a sack in the backfield. "Would you rather I had said, yes it does make you look fat?"
~ Thinking you are home free, it is you who is tackled for a loss. "So that's the way it is, isn't it? You do think I'm fat!" You are dazed, helpless as she storms out of the room.
~ You are now in no man's land. You have one foot in your mouth and chewing vigorously. What in the world just happened? There is definitely a need for some damage control. Do you let time do the healing? Not if you want supper! Or is time for some reconstructive surgery?
~ Is it time for the secret weapon? Or should you settle for the heavy artillery? The secret weapon of course, is the bribe disguised as a peace offering. You must weigh the options. Flowers? Candy? A movie? Offer to take her out to that new restaurant? You decide however, that the secret weapon will be used only as a last resort.
~ It is decided then that you will deploy the heavy artillery. So, in the heat of the battle, you charge right through the heavily barricaded portal to the bedroom where she has been entrenched since the hostilities began.
~ Keeping her pinned down, you fire a couple of salvos across the bow. "Honey, you do not look fat in any of your clothes! You do not look fat naked!" So far so good. She is listening. "In fact, when you have clothes on, I just want to rip them off of you! And when you are naked, I just want to rip off my own clothes!"
~ "Well, maybe I overacted," she says.
~ You are on a roll now. "In fact I feel like ripping your clothes off right now!" you proudly announce. To accent the positive, you hurriedly remove your own clothing. Like Teddy Roosevelt at San Juan Hill you charge in her direction.
~ BANG! There is an explosion! "Is that all you ever think of? You think that's the answer to everything?" She barges past you, making good a hasty retreat, leaving you at half-mast.
~ You played your trump, but she held the Ace! Oh, there will be an eventual truce. The skirmish will be forgotten. You'll have to get dressed and unleash the secret weapon. Which one do use first? The flowers? The candy? The movie? Or the dinner? You can only hope that you don't have to use them all!
~ (Sigh!) I didn't mean to say what I meant. What I meant to say, wasn't said. I meant to say that I didn't mean it. I'm so confused at what I did say, meant. Did I say something mean? If so, it's not what I meant. I'm not sure now what I said, meant.
~ And I mean it!

Sometimes a man's good intentions, no matter how sincere, can go wrong. This is evidenced by the following:

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart along with this note:

My Dearest,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove.
....These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
....I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
....When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love, Roger

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

So remember girls, we do love you. Really!

No.885

Punxsutawney Phil and Phylis

Early one morning a figure is tip-toeing through his home. He is trying not to awaken his wife. All is going well until he trips on a rug and knocks over a lamp.

Phylis: Where do you think you're going?

Phil: It's February the 2nd! It's Groundhog Day!

Phylis: Oh no you don't! Not again this year.

Phil: But it's a tradition, honey.

Phylis: Tradition? Sure it is!

Phil: It's true. A lot of people are depending one me.

Phylis: Like that tramp two burrows down the field?

Phil: What ever do you mean?

Phylis: Do you think I'm stupid? You'll go up there and see your shadow cast upon her home, and I won't see you for six weeks!

Phil: You gotta believe me, sweetkins. I've never had sex with that woman!

Phylis: Is that so? Then how you explain disappearing for six weeks two years ago and showing up drunk in Miami?

Phil: Don't you remember I won those Super Bowl tickets. I went down there with my buddy!

Phylis: Except the Super Bowl was in Detroit!

Phil: Honey, I explained that when it happened. I took a wrong turn at Albuquerque!

Phylis: Is that why you took your swimming trunks and sunglasses?

Phil: Hey! Didn't I bring back a nice present?

Phylis: A box of Cuban cigars? What was I supposed to do with those? I don't smoke!

Phil: You know how hard it is to find those things? Besides, I read somewhere that they are an aphrodesiac!

Phylis: Hmph! All I gotta say, if you crawl out of this burrow and don't come back for six weeks - I won't be here when you get back!

Phil: But honey, it's my job. All those people with the cameras are expecting me.

Phylis: Aw, go and meet your adoring fans! But remember what I said. You come straight home right after your photo-op!

Our triumphant hero climbs the ladder from his burrow to greet the fans and paparazzi. He returns two hours later.

Phil: Honey, I'm home. You're not going to believe this! There was no shadow. You know what that means?

Phylis: (Groan!) I know, it means it's going to be an early winter. Well, if you think you're gonna lie around the house all spring in your underwear, you got another think coming!

Phil: No. This will give me a chance to paint the bedroom and fix that leak under the kitchen sink.

Phylis: Good idea. Why don't you start with spare bedroom?

Phil: Why the spare bedroom?

Phylis: Oh, did I forget to tell you? My mother is coming to stay for six weeks!

Phil: Excuse me. dear. I'll be right back!

Phylis: Where are you going now?

Phil: I'm going to see if those photographers are still up there.

Phylis: What ever for?

Phil: Well, the way I figure it if I can get the camera crew to shine those studio lights at just the right angle on me - it ought to cast a real good shadow of me.

It's time to leave the legendary prognosticator of Gobbler's Knob until the same time next year. Enjoy the promised shortened winter. Alas, I'm afraid our hero is in for one long spring.

Want to know about the history of Groundhog Day? Check out Storm Fax .

No.884

Commentary Committment

Hello? Any commenters out there? Cat got your mouse?

I checked into the "Blogger Help Group," this evening to see if other other Bloggers were having similar problems leaving comments. Are they ever! It is definitely a widespread Blogger problem. Today, Feb. 1, at 5:22 pm, a Blogger employee responded that they have discovered the problem but as of then had not found a fix. The problem is being worked on ...

Hiya, folks. Clem here. Y'all prolly knows my cousin Cletis. I hear tell he is a regular carburetor on this here Blog.
....Wha's that? 'Scuse me, but my ol' lady, Bessie, be a lookin' over my shoulder. She claims I cain't use 'carburetor' in the last sentence that way. She says I shoulda used the word 'contributor' 'stead.
....Well suh, I don't knows 'bout that, coz a carburetor passes the gas in an engine. Hell, everyone knows that. As for Cletis, I knows nobody who cain pass gas lack him. So, if the clodhopper fits, wear it!

Anyways, I heared tell that Cletis often comes to this here Blog wiffin some 'neckdotes 'bout hisself. Far be it fer me to question any of his tales, coz when you hear 'neckdotes 'bout us Hillbillies and Rednecks you bess be sure they's true.
....I reckon iffin Cletis cain spin a yarn here, then danged if ol' Clem cain too! It is purty good timin' too, coz I had a funny thing happen to me jess lass night.

Well, I was on my way home coz it was a fixin' to get dark. Fer the record, I wasn't comin' home from workin' coz it's like this, I ain't got no job to be keepin' me out. I was down in the next holler a lookin' fer some poontang. Well, I didn't have much luck so I was on my way home and I done resigned to the fact that I was a goin' to have borrow some of the ol' lady's lard.
....Well suh, I was gwonna pass right by that new Hooters place down there jess off the Interstate, so I figured I might as stop for a nice cold Carlings. It so happened that I was in the bathroom doin' what I usually do in a bathroom of a place what sells beer. I was a takin' a squirt. Well, danged if right there on the wall 'bout the same place my eyes was a lookin' was somethin' scrawled there. Hot damn, iffin it weren't the words "for a good time call" followed by a telephone number.
....Well, I commenced to memorize that there number while I was a finishin' my squirt. By and by, I fetched a dime outta my pocket and went straight for the pay telephone across the room next to one of those mechanical bulls what was put there for some redneck to get a broke neck.
....So, I dialed that number. Well, when my wife answered the phone and said 'Hello," I hollered "Sorry, wrong number," and then I hung up the phone then and there.
....Well when I got back to my stool and ordered another Carlings, I tole the barkeep what had jess transpired. Like any barkeep what wants to get paid for servin' all those Carlings, he got friendly like and asked me what I thought about it all.
....I said to him, I said, that as soon as I heared my wife's voice on the other end of that line, I knowed straight away that it was the wrong number. Coz I knowed fer a fact that they ain't been no good times had in that house for nigh on ten years! And that I should be the one to know, coz I live in that house.

Well, after 'bout fifteen of those cold Carlings and a lookin' at all them Hooters girls' hooters, I made up my mind to get on home. You shoulda seen the sight before these sore eyes what I saw when I snuck all tip toe into my house! There stood my ol' lady Bessie all nekkid as a jaybird! To me she was a lookin' better'n them Hooters girls jess then.
....Well, then she produced that cast iron skillet and glared with them she-devil eyes of hers. She says she was a waitin' there nekkid so's I could get a good look at what I wasn't gonna get. Then she used the words from her favorite country song, "Don't come home a drinking with lovin' on your mind." Then if that didn't beat all, she up and tells me that she done hid her bucket of lard from me.
....Goes without saying, at about that time I was softer than Liberace in the Playboy Mansion. It sure looked lack I was a gonna be a sleepin' on the couch again. Danged iffin that bloodhound dog of mine had different plans. He done looked up at me and growled like all get out from that couch coz he was already sleepin' on it, and it weren't in his nature to get up lessen he wanted to.
....So, to make a long story short, I ended up on the floor by the wood stove. Blasted woman, she'd done forgot to chop some wood and fetch it inside again. I swear, she's sure been forgettin' to do a lot of the chores nowadays. Well, I decided I wasn't goin' to kowtow to her antics nohow. Danged if I was gonna chop any wood for her satisfaction.

Well, that's about it. See folks, I tole you I cain spin a good 'neckdote myself, didn't I?

Hooray! Comment Problem Fixed! (After initial posting of this entry.)

No.883