Sunday, June 25, 2006

Murder of an Anatomy

Lately, it seems I've been engaged in the Battle of the Bulge. Practicing girth control hasn't been so easy. Honestly, my recent weight gains haven't become problematic yet. Tipping the scales at 170 pounds with a 34-inch waist hardly makes me a round mound, but it confirms that being middle-aged refers to more than just the calendar.
....This time last year, I weighed in at 155 soaking wet. There were no love handles casting shadows on my size 32 belts. My neckties, when I had to wear one, hung straight without the need of deeply held breaths.
....Now those same ties seem to have developed a slight bow, even when I'm not wearing them. I can attribute this to the fact that my stomach has gone through some geographic changes. Fortunately, the bread basket hasn't begun to obscure the view of the plumbing.
....My wife admonishes me for these observations, however. Suffice it to say, she has spent more time in these skirmishes than I. She swears to all that's holy, that she can gain five pounds just looking at cheese cake.
....This morning she demonstrated the effects of gravity, to a captive audience I must admit. The lesson was not lost me as she cupped her ample breasts and reminded me that I had no worries about mine sagging earthward.
....My well intended offer to help her hold them was not met with the desired appreciation I'd wanted. Even when I reminded her that after 34 years of marriage she still looked good to me, I sensed it fell on deaf ears. This was one confrontation that precluded any references to weapons of mass distraction. Any thoughts of sexual play was in a state of hors de combat.
....From behind the bathroom door I heard her exclaim, "One size fits all? What a crock of shit!" So much for the outfit she was planning to wear, I thought. I thought better of reminding her that the ass is always leaner on the other side of the dressing room door.
....At this point, my own lamentations over my anatomy seemed insignificant. Pursuit of the subject would only bring about unwanted histrionics anyway. It was supposed to be a day of celebration. Today is our daughter's 32nd birthday. Therein lies the crux of our geography, physics and anatomy lessons for the day. Implied, but unbreeched was the matter of quantum physics, where it holds true that for every year a child ages, likewise so do the parents.
....We each wolfed down hastily made cold cut sandwiches as soon as we realized we were losing another battle, this time against the clock. I know that eating on the run isn't the healthiest way to dine, and it reminded me that haste makes waist. My wife left first to pick up a cake - surprise - at the last minute. That left me to load up the gifts before I could also hit the road. On the way, she was also going to pick up the meal. The meal du jour? A bucket of KFC, of course!
....Yes, there will be some more military references before this day is over. Are you familiar with navel maneuvers?



kenju said...

I am fighting that same battle - but I am not winning. Better get a handle on it before you reach the age of 55, because I can tell you -it all goes downhill from there.

Miss Cellania said...

A 34 inch waist? You are just at the very beginning of a rest=of=your-life sytuggl! But if you're buying KFC, you've pretty much lost.

Peter said...

Hi Mike, look up and contemplate "exponential" buddy, you will see you have not yet begun the gravitational war, but you ARE balanced precairiously on the edge of it.
Commiserations to your wife on the discovery that "one size sure as hell doesn't fit all"
Congratulations to your daughter on her birthday, hope the KFC and Cheese cake were good.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Listen, Mike. If you only eat KFC every 3-4 days, you will lose weight. Provided, of course, that this is ALL that you eat.

Hale McKay said...

...Kenju ~ Too late! I'm pushing 60!

...Miss C. ~ Fortunately KFC is eaten only once in blue moon. It was my daughter's request for her birthday - less to clean up.

...Peter ~ Balanced precariously on the edge of it - that, my friend, is the rub, isn't it?

...Hoss ~ Actually it's just the "sudden" growth spurt that has been unexpected. It took me from the age of 15 until 40 to crack the 140-barrier. Now, in less than 20 I've gained 30.

...I know this nothing for a lot of people, but is this former beanpole striving to become a Redwood? LOL

V said...

Not trying to invoke any horrid mental images here, but sadly, Hale, I would love to weigh in at 170. :D

Fred said...

You're complainng about 170? The last time I saw that weight was in college some 30 years ago.

At your age, you're doing fine. Go back to KFC and ingest some additional trans fat. Nothing wrong with enjoying life!

jules said...

170. May I just say fuck you very much.

Jay said...

It always seems cruel to women that must live beside men to see how small their struggles are in comparison.

Webmiztris said...

I think my hubby weighs 170, and he's only 29! then again, maybe you're only 4 feet tall. WTF do I know? ;)

JunieRose2005 said...


I liked reading your post today- LOL- But -you worried about 170??


Anonymous said...

Good for you for maintaining your youthful figure for as long as you have. Mine sank earthward years ago.

Cheri said...

Aah, the weight, always a struggle. For woman, lie on the bed with plyers and pull those zippers up. For men, you can always go with the pants below the belly

thanks again for the pix. used my favorite today!

Karen said...

170 and a 34 inch! that's great! you musta been skinny at 155.

i'm like your wife, just look at a hot fudge sunday and i gain ten pounds, and as for KFC, oh boy, can i see my cholesterol shooting sky high!