Monday, September 18, 2006

Lament To A Hound Dog

Cousin Willie wuz caught wiffin his pants down again. It seems dat ol' boy jest cain't stays away from dem porno sites. Well suh, his wife Mabel jest ain't gonna allow such shameful deeds in her house.
....Now that Willie is one slick thinker. He done got hisself outa many fixes jest by usin' that noggin of his. He says to his wife he says, "Tarnation, woman! 'Tweren't no dad-blasted porno site I wuz a viewin!"
....She asked wiffin her fists on her hips, "Den how comes yer a-standin' dare nekkid wiffin your pants down 'round yer ankles?" She had 'em clinched coz she was ready to haul off and bust ol' Willie right smack in the chops.
...."Fer yer information," Willie said, "Before you done come bargin' in here a-snoopin' , I wuz logged onto one of dem dare medical sites. I wuz a-gettin' a complete checkup frum a cyber doctor."
....Well suh, Willie jest looked Mabel straight into her eyeballs and grinned like da cat what dun et the canary and said, "Woman, you oughta knows dat dem doctors is always a-tellin' folks to take off dare clothes and all."
....Mabel had no reason but to agree with Willie's 'sessment of all dem preverted doctors. Day wuz all dirty ol' men what becomes doctors jest so's day can look at women nekkid. She 'spected dat the doctor dat wuz a-checkin' her husband wuz prolly one of dem homeys she read 'bout in Cosmopolitan.
....Willie wuz a-feelin' mighty proud of hisself right 'bout then. So he done went and pressed his luck. Since he wuz still horny from a-lookin' at nekkid girls on dat site what he done convinced his wife wuzn't a porno site, he done took advantage of the situation. He turned 'round and up and flashed his trouser mouse what 'tweren't in no trousers on account his trousers wuz a still down at his ankles.
....Well suh, dat was Willie's one big mistake. Fer you see, when Mabel looked down at dat dare tallywacker of his'n, damned if he 'tweren't a-wearin' a rubber! Now, iffin day wuz any flies on Mabel, I promise you day wud be payin' rent!
....Last I heard, cousin Willie wuz in traction recoverin' from da terrible whuppin' what Mabel done laid upon him.

Howdy, folks! Cletis here! I wuz jest readin' you sum of a letter what I got in da mail frum Cousin Willie. I'm purty sure that y'all out dare are sure to wish Willie a speedy recovery whilst he's a convalescin'.
....Since I knows the trouble one can gets into when it comes to women folk, I done went an' drawed up a chart wiffin' computer words dat 'splain a lot for dem dat don't knows a lot. I'm gonna send a copy of it to Cousin Willie fer da next time he decides to go a-lookin' at nekkid women on dose porno sites. Iffin he learns sum technickel words he jest might stay outa trouble.
....Fer all you folks what are not rednecks, my chart might be a tad too hard fer yer minds to figger out. Alls I can say 'bout dat is too bad. It's not my job to be a-teachin' computers to you Yankee Northers! So you will have to go to your libary to understand stuff what be over your'n heads.

The last time I graced dis Blog, y'all might 'member dat I wuz a runnin' through the hills a-chasin' our durn fool cat what dun got scared coz my wife wuz a wearin' no drawers. Well, we's on speakin' terms now. I say, "Yes, dear" when I open my mouth. Mostly everything she says either starts or ends wiffin a bunch of cuss words what I cain't rightly use here, coz dis is a fam'ly site.

....Since my last visit with y'all, I dun found me a new hobby. I'm a fixin' to become a Country n' Western singer. I jest finished writin' a song what jest might fetch me an invite to the grand Ole Opry!
....Excuse me whilst I go fetch my banjo and wash board. I'm gonna treat y'all to the first live performance. Fer all of you that can carry a tune in a lead bucket, it sorta sounds like the song "Silver Thread and Golden Needles."

She Took My Dog When She Left Me

'Tweren't nary so long ago

That she used to be mine.
I was watchin' the grass grow
When she said to kiss her behind.

I once told her that I love her,
I guess that's what wreck'd it,
Coz I said it when I was above her
And we was wrestlin' butt nekkid.


You can't mend a broken heart
With duct tape and super glue.
I reckon I thought we'd never part,
But stick together thru and thru.
You can't dry your fallin' tears
With burlap or a shammy rag;
I'll drown my sorrow in beers
And be glad she's not here to nag.

Yes, she left me in such a snit;
It hurts to think I'll see her no more.
That doorway with my hand in it,
I cried when she slammed the door.

When she left me in a lurch,
My hound dog followed her trail;
I haven't called off the search,
Hope he comes back waggin' his tail.



Miss Cellania said...

The song is pricelesas! But the rhymes are much too correct for a REAL country song.

jules said...

Thanks Cletis.

Peter said...

Yeah sure Cletis!!!!!

Jay said...

We get some sort of prize for being able to read that , right?

Jack K. said...

Alas for pore ol' Willy. He is lucky to have Cletis around to 'splain the technical terms. Liked the chart, but it was a bit small for me.

Sandy Hatcher-Wallace said...

Your song is priceless and you'll be givin Hank Williams a run for his money.

Hale McKay said...

Of course you get a prize, Jay. Cletis is sure to return someday for your reading pleasure.

Tara Tainton said...

What a hard read! Of course, it was still too frighteningly easy considering how much time I spent in the South during childhood. ;)

Great song!