Friday, October 20, 2006

150 Clues You Married a Redneck

It's a Redneck Romance if...

You propositioned the reverend's wife.

Any of your fantasies involve Wal-Mart.

You had to take gum out of your mouth to kiss the bride.

You think hors d'oeuvres are those girls at the intersection downtown.

Your wife would rather fish off the bridge than shop for clothes.

You whistle at women in church.

Any of your children were conceived at a traffic signal.

You give your marital status as "often."

You met your wife through the personal ads in Bowhunter magazine.

You think a sex change means trying the backseat.

Two of your weddings made America's Funniest Home Videos.

You took your honeymoon photos to Show-and-Tell.

You've ever lost a wedding ring in a poker game.

You learned the facts of life by watching dogs.

Proposing to your wife included the words "when I get out."

Winn-Dixie catered your wedding.

Your mother genuinely admires your girlfriend's tattoos.

You've ever had to move a baby seat to make love.

You practice "safe sex" by putting on the emergency brake.

You've ever used lard in bed.

You've ever opened a beer while making love.

The stripper at your bachelor party was your fiancee.

You've used food stamps on a date.

You delayed your wedding because of hunting season.

You taped WWF wrestling over your wedding video.

Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.

You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

Your wedding reception was a tailgate party.

Your wife sleeps on the couch every time you eat at Taco Bell.

You go to the laundromat to pick up women.

Some of your wedding gifts came from a flea market.

You and your wife compare beer bellies.

You consider dating second cousins to be "playing the field."

You've ever lost your wife in a poker game.

You honk your horn during love scenes at the drive-in.

Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

Your wedding invitations say, "Same time, same place."

You honeymooned in the pop-up camper in your parents' backyard.

You've ever slow danced in a Waffle House.

You've ever used a duck whistle to call your wife.

Your wedding colors were hunting orange.

Your wife has a drip-dry wedding gown.

You keep a spittoon near the bed.

You've ever bought a wedding ring at a yard sale.

You had to postpone the wedding night because the feds were on the porch.

You knocked a hole in the bedroom wall during a romantic moment.

You first saw your wife on an Internet video.

The bride's bouquet had some poison ivy in it.

You use Saran Wrap when you practice safe sex.

You proposed to your wife at a dirt bike race.

The bride wore coveralls to the wedding.

You met your wife when your kids set you up with their truant officer.

You got bitten by your dog during a romantic moment.

Any of your wedding gifts came from the Army Navy store.

You saw Deliverance in a sex ed class.

You have to air out the bedroom after a romantic night.

The bride had a liquor flask hidden down her cleavage.

The bride's relatives brought a gun to the wedding.

You've ever told a woman you were a gynocologist.

The bride's relatives brought a bluetick hound to the wedding.

The photographer for the wedding photos also took your DUI mug shot.

You set a cage of pigeons loose after the wedding ceremony.

The tables at the reception were decorated with inflated condoms.

Some of the wedding party got lost on the way to the church.

You postponed the wedding because the federal agents broke the still.

Those three little words you whisper to your wife at night are "Pull my finger."

The only test you ever passed was the pregnancy test.

Your wife's great-great grandmother just had her sixtieth birthday.

You drove a tractor on your first date.

You signed the marriage certificate with an X.

You had to take the tobacco out of your mouth to kiss the bride.

Your kid made the wedding ring in shop class.

The prenuptial agreement mentioned a set of socket wrenches.

You gave your dog a turn on the vibrating bed.

You wrote your wedding vows on your rap sheet.

Your definition of "getting lucky" is finding a lottery ticket in your wife's jeans.

You met your wife on The Jerry Springer Show.

The most romantic moment in your life was captured on a security camera.

You think rug burns are a sexually transmitted disease.

Your wedding reception was a tailgate party.

If you've ever given your date flowers you stole from a cemetery

You've ever french-kissed within five feet of a dumpster.

You had your anniversary dinner at the food court in the mall.

In preparation for a romantic evening, you stop by the grocery store for a bottle of Mr. Bubble.

You've ever hot-wired a motel vibrating bed.

Sex education at your school included advice on avoiding the steering wheel.

You have to roll up your sleeve and look at your arm to spell your wife's name.

You've ever spray-painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

Your honeymoon hotel advertised "Truckers welcome."

You're making "rabbit ears" behind the bride in your wedding photos.

You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

You carried your bride over the threshold in a fork lift.

You got a new set of teeth as a wedding present.

Your current girlfriend was the midwife at the birth of your child.

Your wife puts candles on a pan of corn bread for your birthday.

A dating service matches you up with a relative.

You proposed while watching a football game out of the corner of your eye.

You've ever accepted an invitation written on a bathroom wall.

Your favorite pickup line is "Dang, are those things real?"

There were dogs in the church on your wedding day.

You had a prom night and a wedding night, but not in that order.

You remember the entire NASCAR schedule, but can't remember your wife's birthday.

For laughs, you watch your wife's delivery video backwards.

Your current wife was a bridesmaid at your first wedding.

You've ever celebrated your wife's birthday in a tree.

You've ever used ketchup in the bedroom.

Your brother-in-law played the Wedding March on a kazoo.

Your wife can drink a gallon of hooch quicker than you can.

You confused shaving cream for whipped cream and didn't notice until morning.

You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.

Your wedding reception was catered by your previous wife.

Your will states your wife can't touch your money until she's 14.

At the wedding, you and your wife Instant Messaged your vows.

When people talk about the Big Easy, you think they are referring to your ex-girlfriend.

You proposed to your wife while working under your truck.

Your definition of "getting lucky" is passing the emissions test.

The last time you fought with your wife was on The Jerry Springer Show.

Your favorite sex position is "awake".

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You're making payments on more than one wedding ring.

You took your honeymoon photos to Ripley's Believe It Or Not.

You've ever asked a widow for her phone number at the funeral home.

You have to reschedule your wedding because the alimony payment was late.

The most romantic moment of your life was captured on a security camera.

You've ever flirted over a drive-thru window speaker.

Your bed is held together with baling wire.

Your belt buckle cost more than the wedding ring.

You go to the Jiffy Lube to pick up women.

Your wife ever had to use her Bear Spray on you.

Your wedding reception was catered by Hooters.

You refer to the van as the "Love Machine."

The first time you saw your wife in lingerie, you had to pay a cover charge.

You've ever had to hide a bra before you make love.

You've ever had sex in a satellite dish.

You wrote your girlfriend's phone number on a bathroom wall.

You met your wife when she came to repossess your pickup truck.

The menu for the wedding buffet included possum.

The champagne fountain at your wedding was full of beer.

Your favorite sex position is on all fours.

You can't remember what name you used on your marriage license.

You scheduled your wedding during a conjugal visit.

You hit on the midwife while your wife was in labor.

You married your wife for her socket set.

Your favorite cologne is Deep Woods Off.

You think "showing a girl a good time" means letting her bait the hook.

You gave your wife a glue gun for your anniversary.

You've ever won a wedding ring in a poker game.

Truckers tell your wife to watch her language.

You had a marriage license before you had a driver's license.

You've ever told a bride, "You clean up pretty good."

Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.

You and your wife stay married for the sake of the dogs.



wazza said...

Yipes, Good grief Mike at least one of these (pick one)would proberly apply to all of us....does this mean we're all gasp rednecks?????????

Jack K. said...

What is it with tailgate parties?


Great stuff. You and Foxworthy must be related. guffaw.

jules said...

You go to the laundromat to pick up women.

This explains SO much.

I need to change laundromats.

Peter said...

How do you say WOW with fractured ribs (through laughing) ???

Margaret said...

Very funny, I also had Jeff Foxworthy in mind as I laughed my way through.
Cheers Margaret

Sandy Hatcher-Wallace said...

These are really funny...I don't know which one I liked best...there were so many.

Hale McKay said...

I think there were indeed too many for one post. I probabbly should have split the list into three of 50 each. THere was too much to absorb.

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