Wednesday, December 20, 2006

New Santa On the Block

Be afraid! Be very afraid!
There's a new Santa on the block and he's comin' to town!

Santa's son has hit the road in this sequel to the previous post,The Anti-Claus.

Chapter 5: Deck the Halls With Pumpkins

Klaus Kringle knew what he had to do to achieve revenge. This Christmas was not going to be like those of the past. This year there would be two Santa's out there on Christmas Eve, each with a different agenda.
....While the jolly one in the red suit would be filling stockings for all the good boys and girls, the angry one, clad in black leather, would be cashing in his unused Halloween tricks. It would be a Boo-tiful Christmas this year.
....Conceived on Christmas, born on Halloween, Klaus had long harbored a deep hatred for the man known as Santa Claus. Not only only was the man a philanderer, but he was also a devious dead-beat dad. Through his website,, Klaus had learned that Santa had sired children all over the world. He was not alone. He was not unique.
....Al Gore's invention, the Internet, had given him untold power. The illegitimate offspring of Mr. Claus had united through the tag boards and chat rooms linked to Klaus' site. Thus, a master plan was launched. He had gained a legion of faithful disciples. The Christmas of '06 was going to be a memorable one, the year of the Anti-Claus.
....In cities all over the world, the Bastards of Claus would be celebrating Halloween in December. Instead of exchanging gifts, they would be tricking without the treating.

Chapter 6: Hark, the Harley Angels

After customizing his brand new 2006 Harley Super Glide to reflect his persona, Klaus roared out his driveway. His headlamp, filtered red, shown brightly from the "nose" of the hand-crafted Rudolph head mounted to the front of his bike. His gloved hands gripped the handlebars which resembled a deer's antlers.
....His white flowing beard was in stark contrast to the black stud-spiked leather jacket. Clinched in his teeth was a large cigar, the smoke whirling about the spike atop his black Kaiser helmet. This was no jolly old elf. This was not your father's Santa Claus!
....He pulled into the back of a luxury apartment building. This was where the rich people lived. Santa never missed the stockings of the rich kids. He knew this from the experiences of his youth. The rich-shit kids always got the best, most expensive gifts. Klaus had reasoned that the rich fathers had been greasing Santa's palm all along in exchange for the best gifts. The outrage there would have been had those fathers known that Santa had been shagging their wives too.
....He grabbed the over-sized sack that had been secured behind his seat. In the shadows of the night he climbed the fire escape stairs to the roof. Pausing for only a moment to savor his progress, he then began to remove his presents. He grinned as he thought of his minions all over the world exercising their own plans of Christmas treating.

Chapter 7: One Bad Santa Spoils the Whole Bunch

The trap had been set and Klaus lay low waiting for a certain big red rat to come along and take the bait. He gloated that after this night, Santa Claus would be wishing that he had kept his jingle bells in his pants all those years. After this night, Santa would never come again. He giggled cheerfully at his clever little pun.
....He didn't have long to wait. From the northern sky he could hear the jingle of approaching sleigh bells. He watched in nervous anticipation as the eight reindeer and the sleigh laden with one Santa Claus himself touched down upon the roof of the apartment building. The runners had landed on the fresh grease that Klaus had spread all over the roof. He smiled sheepishly as the sleigh and its team suddenly slid out of control and crashed into the wall of the elevator housing shed. He clenched his raised fist in a victory salute as Santa and his deer made contact with the electrified fencing he had wrapped around the structure.
....Klaus emerged from his place of hiding and made his way to the scene of the crash. He had set up his fence with just enough juice to shock Santa and his deer unconscious. He had no desire to seriously injure or maim his victims. He just wanted them incapacitated long enough for him to bring his plans to fruition.
....He worked quickly, removing the toys and presents from Santa's sack and sleigh. He then refilled the sack with bags of jewelry, silverware and expensive electronic equipment. Klaus had been stealing all that stuff from all over the city for the last several months just for this moment.
....What would people think of Santa Claus if he were to be caught with a sleigh full of contraband? That would be answered soon enough he thought. After hiding the original contents of Santa's bag, Klaus returned to his Harley in the back of the building. Rearing his bike like a stallion, he roared away from the premises on the rear wheel.
....Finally, far from detection, he used a stolen cell phone and dialed 9-1-1. Identifying himself as a concerned citizen, he reported suspicious activity on the roof of the apartment complex. His revenge would be almost complete when the police arrived to investigate.
....The law enforcement crew would find a crazy old man claiming to be Santa Claus. They would also find all those stolen goods in his sack. Only when they were leading him away in handcuffs, would he feel that justice had been served.

Chapter 8: One Lump of Coal or Two?

"Klaus," said a voice behind him. "Are you sure you want to go through with this?"
....His heart skipped a beat as he whirled around to face the source of the voice. "Who's there?" he demanded.
...."Your father, Klaus. I'm your father," answered the figure as he stepped forward.
...."Father?" Klaus said and added in defiance, "You're not my father. That asshole over there on that rooftop is my father." He pointed at the building a few blocks away.
...."No, that man is Santa Claus," the man countered. "I'm the only father you have."
....Klaus was about to speak, but the man raised his hand. "Hear me out, son. I know all about that night when you were only six years old. Your mother and I knew that you had seen us."
...."What?" Klaus protested. "You ... you were there? You perverted bastard, you were watching them?"
...."No, Klaus. You saw your mother and me making love that night."
...."But ... but I saw him .. the red suit .. the beard .. he was kissing .. touching her..." he stammered in confusion.
....The man shook his head, "I came home from an office party that night, Klaus. I rented a Santa Claus outfit to surprise you and your mother."
...."No. No," Klaus cried. "It can't be!"
...."Look son, it's not too late to make things right tonight. You can still save Christmas."
....Klaus' brain was in a state of flux. What if his father was telling the truth? What if Santa was innocent? What if he was just a jolly old elf? Suddenly nothing else mattered. He could ask his father why he had left them so long ago at another time.
....He scarcely noticed the passage of time as he hopped back on his bike, sped to the complex and climbed back onto that roof. His heart was heavy with guilt as he knelt over the unconscious man laying next to the overturned sleigh. Tears welled in his eyes as he tried to revive him. The deer were already beginning to stir. The old man moaned and opened his eyes slightly. Klaus stared into the confused but sincere eyes of a gentle man.
....In the distance and approaching fast, Klaus could hear the sirens. He didn't have much time. He had to get Santa up into his sleigh and let him fly away before the police arrived. He had to accept his punishment. He would turn himself in and confess to stealing all the stuff in that bag.

Kringle had moved to a better vantage point and watched as Santa and his sleigh were pulled airborne behind the flying reindeer. He watched in morbid silence as the cops closed in on the man dressed in black leather. He felt sorry for Klaus as he struggled with the lawmen. Yet, he admired his resolve for ultimately doing the right thing. There was some good in him after all.


He sat there staring straight ahead at the padded walls and door. The thoughts coursing through his brain were running the gamut from that of deep despair to a state of dumbfounded confusion. He had no desire for any more electric shock treatments. He wanted no part of their damned needles. He didn't need all of those anti-depressants and anti-psychotics they were force-feeding him.
....How had it come to this? How was it that he had failed? He had let a lot of people down, their faith seriously damaged. He knew that he was going to be there for a long time. He would just have to bide his time and maintain good behavior. One day he would be re-evaluated and he was determined that they would deem him cured.
....He had been barely conscious when that sick man in black had changed clothing with him. Why did that disturbed person keep calling him father? He'd watched helplessly as the man hopped into his sleigh and soared away with his team of reindeer into the night sky.
....No one would believe him, not the police who had arrested him, or the psychiatrists who had evaluated him. They kept telling him that Santa Claus was a fictitious character created to perpetuate the capitalistic side of Christmas. They said he was suffering from delusions.
....The one who had called himself the Anti-Claus had stolen his life, his very existence. He could only wait for that day when they would release him.
....When that day was upon him, then and only then could he exact revenge.



Peter said...

The words of a true deviant Mike, I sometimes despair for you, that border line between insanity and brilliance.

Jack K. said...

Why indeed?

You devious rascal you. tee hee

Anonymous said...

When do you find time to sleep. Or do you dream them up. I love it.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Reindeer that fly? This has to be fiction, right?

Christina said...

Ooooh, nice twist! "twistED" I should say...hahahaha.

Enjoyed the story.

Serena said...

You have surpassed yourself. Well done!

Hale McKay said...

Thanks everyone. I had a lot of fun whipping up this tale.

jules said...

Now THAT Santa kinda turns me on.