Monday, February 19, 2007

Lost and, With Regrets, Found

Don't give me any more of your tired, your poor, your huddled masses ... We have enough already !

With this post I have taken the liberty (pardon the pun) to clear out some of the images and jokes that have been gathering cobwebs in the "draft drawer."

....I don't remember if the Statue of Liberty pic was in storage for the 4th of July this year, or for 2007.

....But I do subscribe to the idea that we could use a rewrite of "The New Colossus."

"Give us your reliable, your rich, your educated masses who speak English ..."


He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard ...
Not like his Mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew.
I didn't mend his socks
The way his Mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue,
Then I turned and smacked him ...
Like his Mother used to do.


Be Strong, Honey

A prisoner escapes from his California prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it.
....He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
....While he is in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck . If he wants intercourse, don't resist, just do what he tells you! This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
....To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very attractive, and asked if we kept any vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too..."

A Hundred Bucks

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."
....She's not there 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?"
....She says, "A hundred dollars."
....He says, "All I got is thirty".
....She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job".
....She runs back and tells the guy all the gets for thirty is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE penis. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."
....She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

The Blindman

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
...."I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
....A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.
...."Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
....Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
...."I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
....The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
.... Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.The blind man eats and leaves.
....He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
....Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
...."Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.
...."The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"



Peter said...

Good stuff Mike.

Anonymous said...

thanks for the laughs.
I like the women's poem and your comment about give me your educated..etc.

Raggedy said...

Thanks for the laughs!
They were all very good ones.
Have a wonderful day!
(=':'=) hugs
(")_ (")Š from
the Cool Raggedy one

Jack K. said...

Mary sure does get around.

Loved them all.

Thanks for the laugh.

Serena said...

Where DO you come up with all this belly-laugh stuff? By the way, I think I'm in love with that frog.:)

OldHorsetailSnake said...

These are fine, Hale, just fine.