Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful, bright red tomatoes, she went over one day and inquired of him his secret.
"It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomaotes and they turn red with embarrassment."
Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and procedded to expose herself to her plants twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check on her progress.
"So," he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?"
"No," she replied excitedly. . .
"But you should see the size of my cucumbers!!"
Now That's Some Bull!
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."
Isn't the Civil War Over?
When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.
A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."
The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon.
"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, "Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog."
"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."
"In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline will read, "Yankee Kills Family Pet."
It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for Billy Bob. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20.
Billy Bob, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son."
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Billy Bob rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, he once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son."
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Billy Bob noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well endowed". This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked.
"No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."
A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69." "What the hell is that?" asks the guy.
Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs, and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment, he agrees to try it. The second they get into position, she lets loose a rip-roaring fart!
"What was that for???" he asks.
"Ooops!..sorry, let's try it again" she says. So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose! The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on.
"Wait, where are you going??" she asks. The guy says, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!"